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08 Jan 14:21

So This Exists: Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Pint Lock

by Todd Brock

From Sweets

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[Photographs: Todd Brock]

Let's say that personal pint of Cherry Garcia you have stashed in the back of the break room freezer feels lighter all of a sudden, and now Glenn from Accounting won't make eye contact. Or maybe you suspect that you have a Chunky Monkey junkie living right under your own roof who assumes that all ice cream in the house is fair game to anyone with a spoon. Or perhaps you just need a tongue-in-cheek gift for that Karamel Sutra fan who never learned to share with others.

Well, Ben & Jerry's has come to your rescue.

20131218-277484-ben-jerrys-pint-lock-packaging.jpg

For less than six bucks via their online store, you can now safeguard your favorite ice cream flavor with a cleverly engineered working combination lock. No... really.

20131218-277484-ben-jerrys-pint-lock-collar.jpg

The Euphori-Lock is a two-piece plastic collar contraption designed to fit standard pint containers. One half slides up over the bottom of the pint. It screws into a top ring outfitted with a three-wheel dial mechanism. Rearrange the digits, and voila—your Phish Food or fro-yo is locked up tighter than Fort Knox, inaccessible to unauthorized midnight-tasters.

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I'm not saying I don't trust my wife and daughters. I'm just saying I've become fiercely protective of my Scotchy Scotch Scotch... and they can have a taste when I offer them one. Or when they pry that unlocked pint out of my cold, dead hands.

About the Author: Todd Brock lives the glamorous life of a stay-at-home freelance writer in the suburbs of Atlanta. Besides being paid to eat cheeseburgers for AHT, pizzas for Slice, and desserts for Sweets, he's written and produced over 1,000 hours of television and penned Building Chicken Coops for Dummies. When he grows up, he wants to be either the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys or the drummer for The Gaslight Anthem. Or both.

08 Jan 00:20

Louis CK One Perfume Is Why The Internet Exists

This is one of those erasers-on-the-end-of-pencils ideas that you kick yourself for not thinking of first. As you've gleaned from the headline, some genius (or geniuses) has elided the stage name of America's most prominent indie comedian, Louis C.K. and the title of Calvin Klein' first unisex fragrance, CK One, to get Louis CK One. There's a quiet brilliance there. Let it sink in.

Now, an idea is only truly good if it compels itself toward execution. As you can see, Louis CK One has certainly done that, fostering a Tumblr filled with well-wrought fake magazine ads, billboards, and the like. Again, let your mind soak in the sweet juxtaposition of popular culture's fastest rising, self-effacing, sweaty, miserable writer/director/comic and the timeless, minimalist appeal of a scent that was once advertised by Kate Moss.

As for what exactly Louis CK One would smell like — aniseed and pizza grease? Citrus and flop sweat? Baby powder and righteous rage? Your guess is as good as ours. (Paste) lck1_1

View the slideshow



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07 Jan 21:58

Archival Mix: Ellen and William Craft

by Alexis Coe


Ellen_and_William_Craft
Alexis Coe’s past essays on history for The Toast (newly christened “Archival Mix”) can be found here. Most recently: Rita Levi-Montalcini: Kicking Ass and Doing ScienceThis, and all subsequent editions of Alexis’ columnn (!) are brought to you courtesy of a sweet and generous sponsor who wishes to be known as The Ghost of Jane Addams.

***

“My wife’s first master was her father, and her mother his slave, and the latter is still the slave of his widow.”

This line, found just a paragraph into William Craft’s 1860 memoir, Running a Thousand Miles for Freedom, tells us that Ellen Craft was born into horrific circumstances in 1826, that she was the child of rape and slave of the perpetrator. It tells us that Major James Smith likely forced himself upon Ellen’s mother, Maria, until he died, and that was just a part of life on their plantation in Clinton, Georgia. We’ll later learn that the major’s wife knew about her husband’s treachery, and yet she kept Maria close. It was Ellen she sent away.

There’s something we can’t easily ascertain from William’s summary of his wife’s origin story, a curious (dis?)advantage Ellen had yet to realize herself: this most unhappy, violent coupling yielded a light skin tone that would accidently facilitate her freedom.

In the beginning, however, her pale skin was a great detriment, and there was nothing Ellen could do to hide it. The major had clearly abused Maria, whose own mixed-race suggested that white men had been steadily assaulting her matrilineal line for generations. At least three-quarters of European ancestry highlighted Ellen’s resemblance to her master’s family, and at age eleven, she was sent away from her mother because it.

Ellen was not sold, but gifted to her half-sister, Eliza, on the occasion of her wedding to Dr. Robert Collins. They set up house in Macon, with Ellen as a ladies’ maid. Her new master, the doctor, had a half interest in William Craft, whom Ellen married at the age of 20. Like Ellen, William had endured heartbreaking separations from his own family. His parents and brother had long been sold off, and he and his 14-year-old sister were sold within minutes of each other. After she was sold, it was William’s turn.

William was an industrious, skilled cabinetmaker who was allowed to, on occasion, seek supplemental income in town. His other owner, a local bank cashier, kept most of his wages.

William came with more than just savings. He knew the town well, the streets and alleyways, how to move and who to avoid. They would need this learned cartography. By the time Christmas arrived, they hoped to be safely in the North.  They wanted to have children, but they feared their masters would sell them, just as they had been sold and separated as children.

But they weren’t spiriting away in the dead of night like most runaway slaves, and they weren’t stowing themselves in boxes or luggage. Their plan was unprecedented: they would hide in plain sight.

Ellen_Craft_escaped_slaveEllen would use her light skin to pass, but it wasn’t enough. If she posed as a white women traveling with William as her servant, unattended by a white man, they would immediately raise suspicion. She would have to pass twice over, as white and a man. She cut her hair and clothed her body in a jacket and trousers she sewed herself, the look of a young cotton planter. People would assume she was literate, but Georgia law prohibited teaching slaves to read or writer, and thus she fashioned a sling for her right arm, ready to protest an injury precluded any writing. But for all of their planning, they could do nothing to hide the fact that neither Ellen nor William could read.

They were no doubt terrified of being discovered, but by all accounts, they exuded a calm countenance during their voyage to freedom. They booked tickets on first-class trains and nights in fine hotels. There were moments of uncertainty and prying eyes, but the closest call occurred on the way to Savannah. Before the train pulled out of the station, a white man claimed the seat next to Ellen and greeted her with, “It is a very fine morning, sir.” She fixed her eyes on him to return the greeting, but was silenced by a shock of recognition.  For the next 200 miles, she would sit next to a close friend of her master, a man who had known Ellen for some time. But she was not Ellen on that train, but a white, male cotton planter. To make it through the ride, she added “deaf” to the character.

On the steamer bound for Charleston, South Carolina, Ellen dined with the captain of the steamship, who complimented her “very attentive boy.” He was one to keep an eye on in the North, he warned, while a fellow passenger tried to buy her husband from her.

There were yet more close encounters in Charleston. Ellen made the mistake of saying “thank you” to William, earning the ire of a military officer within earshot.  A ticket seller refused to take their money without further documentation, but the captain happened upon the scene and scolded the employee. In Baltimore, proof of ownership was once again demanded, and they were made to leave a train. The sling earned the pity of a local clerk, who ordered the conductor to let them pass.

On Christmas morning, they pulled into the port of Philadelphia and quickly they made their way to Beacon Hill, a free black community in Boston. Soon after, they were married in a Christian ceremony. William resumed cabinetmaking, this time keeping all of his wages, and Ellen became a seamstress. On evenings and weekends, they lectured throughout New England; William was known to be the speaker, it was Ellen who captured everyone’s interest. She posed in her pants and trousers for a photograph abolitionists like William Lloyd Garrison and William Wells Brown circulated, but the story of passing was not a new one. Women passed as men, and light-skinned slaves as free whites, but travelling in a pair was a simple, but important innovation.

There was, of course, a danger in all this exposure. The United States Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act in 1850, and the government granted Ellen’s half-sister the right to reclaim her property. Slave catchers abounded, and they too had the law on their side. It was a federal crime to aid an escaped slave, and law enforcement, whether they worked in a freed state or not, were required to help recapture fugitives.

A month after the law passed, with an additional letter of support from President Millard Fillmore, Eliza dispatched two bounty hunters to Boston. Ellen and William had been spirited away to nearby Brookline, where they hid in the Tappan-Philbrick House at 182 Walnut Street.

Knowing their luck was bound to run out, they made it to Portland, Maine, with an eye towards Nova Scotia. From there, the ship Cambria delivered them to Liverpool, where they would watch their family grow by five over the next nineteen years. Their eldest, Charles, was born into freedom in 1852, followed by William, Brougham, Alfred, and Ellen.

English abolitionists helped them adjust to a life “free from every slavish fear.” They took classes at the Ockham School in Surrey, and Ellen became active in various progressive causes, including Women’s Suffrage. They made money by speaking, though they struggled financially. After the Civil War, they managed to scrape enough together to pay for Maria’s passage to England.  In the Anti-Slavery Advocate, Ellen observed that “I had much rather starve in England, a free woman, than be a slave for the best man that ever breathed upon the American continent.”

crafttpAfter emancipation, the Crafts had the ability to be free back in America, or remain in their adopted country. Along with three of their children, the Crafts returned to America in 1868, but they did not head back to Boston. They returned to Georgia, where supporters helped them buy 1800 acres of land near Savannah.  They ran the short-lived Woodville Co-operative Farm School, which helped freedmen with employment and education in a hostile, post-Reconstruction era. William was suspected of misusing funds, and subsequent efforts to clear his name, including a libel case, failed.

Relations between blacks and whites grew worse as cotton prices plummeted and white supremacists fought for control over local politics and, by extension, economics. William and Ellen decided it was best to quit Georgia altogether, and went to live with their daughter, Ellen, and her husband, Dr. William D. Crum, in Charleston, South Carolina. Dr. Crum provided for the family, and would soon be appointed Collector for the Port of Charleston by President Theodore Roosevelt.

Ellen died in 1891, and William in 1900. A little over a hundred years after her death, she was inducted into the Georgia Women of Achievement.

Further Reading: 

Brusky, Sarah. “The Travels of William and Ellen Craft: Race and Travel Literature in the Nineteenth Centry,” Prospects 25.

Read more Archival Mix: Ellen and William Craft at The Toast.

06 Jan 17:33

With Friends Like These

by Michael Popek



Greeting card, "Angela" written on front, inside is this terrific note:

Aside from the fact you are fantastically illiterate - and sinisterly uneducated, I got this to keep you off the streets while my back is turned.

Fabulously (?)
???


Found in "Oliver Twist" by Charles Dickens. Published by The Heritage Press, 1939.

-Click to enlarge photos-
02 Jan 22:30

See Shia LaBeouf’s Skywritten Apology to Daniel Clowes

by Jesse David Fox
allie

wtf STOP IT SHIA THE BEEF


Ever since being accused of plagiarizing graphic novelist Daniel Clowes for his short film HowardCantour.com a couple of weeks back, Shia LaBeouf has been apologizing a lot on Twitter. That proved not to be big enough, so LaBeouf took to the skies! Yesterday, LaBeouf had an apology skywritten in L.A. He then tweeted out the below photo of it. If that's not a big enough gesture, remember that yesterday was a holiday, so he probably had to pay time and a half for this.

Read more posts by Jesse David Fox

Filed Under: shia laebeouf ,daniel clowes ,apologies ,skywriting ,movies ,candy

31 Dec 17:15

The Gem

by admin

31 Dec 02:57

WUMB to drop Grateful Dead program

by adamg
allie

Harsh vibes, man.

Jeff Boudreau reports the UMass Boston station is ending the Grateful Dead Hour on Jan. 12.

31 Dec 01:15

Rescued Fur Seal Pup Finds a Home at New England Aquarium

by Andrew Bleiman
allie

LETS GO VISIT HIM!!!!

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The staff at the New England Aquarium got a real-life gift from the "North Pole" this month - a rescued Northern Fur Seal pup arrived from the Alaska SeaLife Center. (The pup traveled by FedEx cargo plane, not Santa's sleigh!)

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Mammals_Chi_swimming

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Photo Credit:  New England Aquarium

ZooBorns first reported on the pup's rescue here.  The pup, named Chiidax, was left in a box at the Alaska Fish & Game office on the remote Aleutian Island of Sand Point with a note attached stating that its mother died while giving birth.  

Officials whisked the underwight, dehydrated pup to the Alaska SeaLife Center 500 miles away, where he quickly doubled his weight under their expert care.  Because he was hand-raised and his exact birth area was unknown, the staff determined that Chiidax could not be released back into the wild.  Luckily, the New England Aquarium has a successful breeding program for Northern Fur Seals and was eager to bring Chiidax to its Fur Seal exhibit.

Chiidax has a playmate ready to meet him at the aquarium - Kit, a female Fur Seal born in August. Aquarium officials expect Chiidax to move into their harborside Seal exhibit sometime in January.

Northern Fur Seal populations have declined over the past decades.  They are listed as Vulnerable by the International Union for Conservation of Nature.

 

Related articles
24 Dec 17:19

Justin Bieber in Balmain at the “Believe” Premiere

by Tom and Lorenzo
allie

UGH THE EYEBROWSSSSS THE PRAYING HANDS WHYYYY

The longer he’s in the public eye, the more we feel sorry for Justin. No, really.

Justin Bieber attends the premiere of “Justin Bieber’s Believe” at the Regal Cinemas L.A. Live in Los Angeles, California in a Balmain red blazer paired with Balmain biker jeans and Del Toro loafers.

He’s an overprivileged marginally talented brat, for sure. Obviously, we’re not defending any of that. But practically every time he opens his mouth to speak he reveals just how dumb and undereducated he is. We’re not being mean here. He’s actually painful to watch in a lot of interviews because he has no idea the level of his own ignorance. We’ve had to do a lot of thinking about the celebrity machine and lifecycle while writing and now promoting our book, and everything we know about explosive child fame combined with a lack of formal education tells us that this kid’s in for some rough times ahead. Sure, if he’s lucky and has smart people around him, he’ll be set into his old age financially, but he’s going to wake up one day and realize he’s completely bereft of life or interpersonal skills.

We know: boo-hoo. He can cry himself to sleep on his mink-lined bags of money. Or he can stop being such a little dick now. What can we say? Our hearts are full of love, darlings.

Anyway, the outfit. Answering the never-asked question, “What if Santa Claus was an asshole?” Still, it works for us. Yes it’s pure baby-douche, helped along generously by the shades, the posing, the perpetually affected raised-eyebrow expression (these kids are all gonna start botoxing before they’re 25 ), and the utterly ridiculous jewelry, but isn’t he just playing the part? It’s venue-appropriate, holiday-appropriate, and Justin-appropriate. It’s not high style but it gets the job done.

 

 

Justin-Bieber-Balmain-Believe-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-5 Justin-Bieber-Balmain-Believe-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-6 Justin-Bieber-Balmain-Believe-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-7 Justin-Bieber-Balmain-Believe-Premiere-Red-Carpet-Tom-Lorenzo-Site-8

 

 

 

 

[Photo Credit: INFphoto.com]

20 Dec 22:34

A little escape

by kim
allie

<3PIXELATED TILES<3

Polish interior designer Lucyna Kołodziejska is at it again, and this time it's her take on a luxury seaside hotel in apartment form. The space is over 100 metres, comprised of 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, kitchen and living room. Her client uses the space only on weekend or few days in summer. It's on the top floor so there is a view of the sea from the private terrace on the roof. (!!!) Her client wanted to have some seaside elements inside too so she designed the mosaics in the master bathroom and chose the wallpaper and shutters to play off the seaside cottage vibe. Lovely!

20 Dec 17:21

Open Post: Hosted By Santa And The Sirs

by Michael K

openpostsantanadthesirs

Here’s Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart sitting on White Santa’s lap while wearing their Who’s Waiting For Godot? bowler hats and tight freakum jeans. If I was to wish for a double silver fox and a baldie threesome I’d ask for Anderson Cooper, Dan Abrams (I deserve to be judged for that) and Jude Law, but I’ll take this one, why not? And no, you’re not the only who is staring at Ian’s crotch and wondering why it looks like his peen tip is shaped like a triangle. I mean, why wouldn’t it be shaped like a triangle?

via @SirPatStew

19 Dec 20:52

A Traditional Kitchen with Snakeskin Wallpaper (Yes, It Works!) — Kitchen Spotlight

by Cambria Bold
allie

no, it doesn't work.

Pin_it_button

I know what you're thinking: snakeskin wallpaper... in the kitchen?! An unusual choice to be sure, but that's exactly what you'll find in Coleman Riddell's Georgetown, Washington, DC kitchen. And what's more — it really works!

READ MORE »

19 Dec 15:57

Crap for Christmas

by Holly Hibner

Farm Journal Christmas Book
1970

Submitter: This book was checked out in 1974 and not returned to us until this week. I guess someone thinks we might want to add it back to our collection, but I think we’ll skip it. Between the scary jello-based food, the horrid-looking craft projects, and some of the politically incorrect gifts to make, it was hard to decide what to include.  So here’s jewels-in-a-ring with a “new” type of cream cheese frosting, some unidentifiable papier-mache products, and an apron for the woman of the house (a.k.a. the vice-president). Looks like a lot of libraries still own this…

Holly: Nothing says the birth of Jesus like jello salad and papier-mache! Really, though, you can update your Christmas crafts books to this millennium.

More “Traditional” Christmas books:

Friday Fiction: Silver Spurs

Beautiful Holiday Ideas?

Tis the Holiday Season

18 Dec 22:20

A Day in the Life of The Dopeass Tea Wizard

by Dayna Evans
by Dayna Evans

In the land of plenty: that is where The Dopeass Tea Wizard lives. Among bushels of green leaves, he homesteads in a hut that is best described as Burning Man chic. He loves his fucking kettle. It's electric—he does not fuck with the old-fashioned kind anymore, not since he installed electricity with the help of Lorna, the mythical forest sprite he visits with occasionally. Electric kettles with superior settings for varying hotness of water let the tea wizard make his magic.

Just let The Dopeass Tea Wizard make his magic. Do not disturb.

The Dopeass Tea Wizard lives a mostly simple life. Wake up, flip kettle switch, summon golden, ruby-encrusted goblet with sheer force of mind, and brew some motherfucking tea. His tea of choice is Mint Magic® but that's because he masterminded the recipe, and his first girlfriend said it was "splendid." She broke his heart, but that's another story. The tea is some real sleepy tea—two different kinds of mint, bro. You'll be on the clouds before the early shadows of twilight peek over Szorst Mountain. But The Dopeass Tea Wizard drinks it in the morning, to wake himself up. Didn't we tell you that The Dopeass Tea Wizard is the boss?  

The Dopeass Tea Wizard drinks his tea from the ruby-encrusted goblet and cooks a quail egg over boar meat. Around 6 or 7 a.m. (he has been up for several hours, he is no layabout), he does hot yoga to the sound of the ferns rustling and to the chirps of a wood warbler and a blackcap. He takes note to murder both birds soon. The Dopeass Tea Wizard needs to eat. For strength. 

The highlight of The Dopeass Tea Wizard's day is when he conjures up his fucking tea. After another small meal of hedgehog quills and raw wood chippings, he retreats to the darkened corner of his hut, where the tea basket sits. He considers this basket his companion. He's even named it—Stuff Basket. (The Dopeass Tea Wizard is not known for his creativity.) He takes Stuff Basket out of the hut and they gaze out over Szorst Mountain together, looking longingly beyond the Ravanyhon Valley. This is his favorite time of day, when he can reflect on tea with his closest friend.

"Isn't it lovely?" he whispers to Stuff Basket. Stuff Basket does not respond.

The Dopeass Tea Wizard then uses his mind to create tea. Don't ask him how he does it. One second it is not there—the Ravanyhon Valley appears stark and dry—and the next everything is lush with evergreen leaves of peppermint and spearmint and other somesuch mints. He smiles, his precious Stuff Basket now full, and brings it back inside, until tomorrow when he will deliver it to Postmaster Eowyn, who will ship it to Celestial Seasonings in Boulder. His job for the day is done. An early bedtime, around 3 p.m., keeps his mind able and his heart strong.

"Goodnight, Stuff Basket," he hums, and The Dopeass Tea Wizard lays his snow-white head down to rest on a pile of apple skins and wool, stuffed between two sheets of burlap.

 

Previously: Mashups, Before DJs

"Art" by Jia.

Dayna Evans is a writer and a musician. You can find her writing here, her music here, and her tweets at @hidayna.

8 Comments
18 Dec 18:12

Why Is Tom Hiddleston Also Johnny Weir and Rufus Wainwright?

by Mallory Ortberg

Previously: Why Aren’t We Talking About How Much Tim Curry and Dave Grohl Are The Same?

I am horrified and astonished that Johnny Weir and Tom Hiddleston have been running around existing for the last several decades without a single attempt to force them to pair skate together à la Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg because they are the exact same man. Why aren’t we talking about this every day?

johnnyweir

Don’t try to tell me this isn’t a still from the movie Thor, because I won’t believe you. That is clearly English actor Tom Hiddleston in the movie Thor, or possibly Thor II, or possibly The Avengers. Whichever one has Tom Hiddleston in it. Is he in all three of them? He couldn’t possibly be in all three of them. Look at him, skating across the rainbow bridge Bifrost to Asgard.

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 10.28.54 PMHere, of course, we see celebrated figure skater Johnny Weir in one of his trademark over-the-top costumes preparing to go on the ice.

Important question for readers: Why are they the same face. Why are they the same face in the same elaborate midnight-black skintight leotards with outré neck-and-shoulder embellishmentsWhy. Why. 

Equally important followup question: Why are they also both Rufus Wainwright? Why are they three, but also one? What is this fey, white-mouthed Trinity? 

rufusWhile we’re asking horrified, panting questions, why is Rufus Wainwright only sometimes Tom Hiddleston and Johnny Weir but the rest of the time Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica? What goddamn business does this Canadian singer-songwriter have looking like goddamn Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica half the time?

gaius2WHY IS GAIUS BALTAR FROM BATTLESTAR GALACTICA SOMETIMES RUFUS WAINWRIGHT BUT ALSO SOMETIMES NABOO FROM THE MIGHTY BOOSHI: 

naboo

 I am unsettled and frightened and the only thing that will make this right is A) someone sorting out just how many of these men are real and then banishing the remaining hollow shells to whatever hell-dimension the real Tom Hiddleston summoned them from or B) a movie version of Macbeth that comes out next week where all of them play The Weird Sisters and Lady Macbeth by turns. Thank you for your time.

Read more Why Is Tom Hiddleston Also Johnny Weir and Rufus Wainwright? at The Toast.

18 Dec 03:28

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Wants In on Sandman

by Halle Kiefer
allie

Swoon


Robin, Johnny in Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, possibly Ant-Man, now the Lord of Dreams: JGL is straight snatching those comic book roles. According to Deadline, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is hoping to produce, as well as possibly direct and star in, the film adaptation of Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. Between his experience with graphic-novel films and the critical success of Don Jon, this seems like a match made in some kind of reality-consuming dream vortex.

Read more posts by Halle Kiefer

Filed Under: sandman ,neil gaiman ,joseph gordon levitt ,warner bros. ,comic-book movies ,casting couch

17 Dec 22:15

WIWW: Glasses Fun

by Amy Fashion Blog
allie

Sorry for this picture looking fun.



Sorry for this picture looking funny. I was try to brighten it up some. So you got a better idea of the color.


REMIX OUTFIT
Stud Earrings Gift From Nicole of NYC on my Mind
Pink Prada Glasses
 Pink Ugg Boots From DSW~44.96
pleated poppy

Hello Everyone. Today I based my outfit around my glasses. I needed to wear them so I could go and get them tighten up. Due to they were falling off my face. It was driving me crazy. So the man was fixing them I had fun trying on some huge glasses. After I took the selfie I sent them to Hubby. Which he got a kick out of them and told me they were a no go. 
 
I'm linking today outfit at  The Pleated Poppy for What I wore Wednesday.  
D&G Glasses 
Prada Glasses

Day 11 Christmas Item~ Our Stocking hang in the hallway dresser
HAVE A GREAT WEDNESDAY.
17 Dec 18:37

50 States Of Lego

by Lauren
LegoState1Inspired by his daughter and her Lego collection, Canadian photographer Jeff Friesen has turned a side project into multi-part series that has captured the...
13 Dec 20:11

What Your Favorite Holiday Cocktail Says About You

by Jia Tolentino
by Jia Tolentino

Nothing! May I suggest listening to Beyoncé?

11 Comments
12 Dec 05:59

Curing Obnoxiousness

by Mary Kelly

Once I was Obnoxious…
and You’ll Never Guess What Happened
Sanford
1990

How can you pass up a title like this? Our friend Doris has yet another incomprehensible book.  Evidently, from the back cover, this book is supposed to teach respect.  There is also a detachable paper doll that is supposed to slide in and out of the pictures in the book. I handed this book to several people, including some reasonably sharp librarians (it was early in the day), and no one understood what was going on, couldn’t follow the story, and ended up being mad that I made them read something so weird before having coffee.

From my best guess, this is a fanciful story of kids traveling through the world (and space!) doing awful things to other people. They finally end up in a re-education camp (seriously) and have to write “I will not be obnoxious” over and over. This “treatment” cures them and they return home without any obnoxious behavior. Lesson learned.

I will be in the back with booze and chocolate trying to make sense of the world if anyone needs me.

Mary

More life lessons:

David Dies at the End

Mommy is Drunk

Daddy left because you were bad


 

 

09 Dec 22:08

abloodymess: calliecucumber: So… someone made a Skyrim mod...



abloodymess:

calliecucumber:

So… someone made a Skyrim mod where all the dragons are replaced with Thomas the Tank Engine characters and it’s the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen. (Watch the video, you won’t regret it.)

Above, the World-Eater sits in the flaming wreckage of Helgen.

Blaine is a pain.

And that is the truth.

06 Dec 22:25

The Acceptance Pie

by Ann Friedman
allie

this speaks to me.

by Ann Friedman

Previously: The Gratitude Pie

Ann Friedman is doing some end-of-year reckoning.

2 Comments
06 Dec 20:43

Shitting: An Epistemological Cognition

by Alex Balk
by Alex Balk

My freshman year roommate took all her clothes off to poop. She had no idea this wasn't normal. I think about this a lot.

— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) December 5, 2013

One day she mentioned something like "yeah so I was taking my shirt off in the bathroom" or something, and I was like "wait, what?"

— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) December 5, 2013

She was genuinely thought everyone did this. She was disgusted that I would leave my shirt on while pooping.

— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) December 5, 2013

I guess like, we go through life not knowing what other people are up to while they're pooping. So you have no idea what's actually normal.

— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) December 5, 2013

This is some pretty deep stuff, when you think about it.

— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) December 5, 2013

1 Comments

The post Shitting: An Epistemological Cognition appeared first on The Awl.

06 Dec 02:28

Happy Birthday, Joan Didion

by Mallory Ortberg

joananna

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy birthday, Joan Didion! One of these women is Joan herself. The other is Vogue editor Anna Wintour. Can you guess which is which?

As a special gift to those of you who clicked through, please enjoy the following Anna Wintour/Joan Didion friend fiction.

Anna Wintour and Joan Didion ooze bonelessly past one another on a New York sidewalk. Both of them attempt to lower their giant sunglasses, shattering several knuckles in the process. Anna valiantly uses her cigarette holder to prop hers up over a quizzical brow. 

JOAN I like your severe gray bob.

ANNA (thinking, rather than speaking): I LIKE YOUR SEVERE GREY BOB AS WELL.

They both think about smiling, then dismiss the idea as rather too too.

ANNA (thinking, rather than speaking as humans do) DO YOU THINK PERHAPS THAT WE ARE BUGS. I SOMETIMES WISH THAT I WERE A BUG. FREE OF THE CONSTRAINTS OF THE HUMAN BODY. LITHE AND LIGHT, WITH ONLY AN EXOSKELETON AND COMPOUND EYES. SKINNY ENOUGH TO FLY AND LIVE INSIDE OF FLOWERS. HOW SIMPLY MARVELOUS.

JOAN Do you ever think that perhaps we are cousins?

Suddenly the two of them are caught in a hailstorm of September issues. They are too weak to push the glossies out of the way. Didion extends a frail arm out to Wintour, but her gold bracelets are too heavy to lift. 

JOAN Have I ever told you about the development of the 57 freeway?

Wintour tries desperately to free herself.

JOAN Have I ever told you about the native flowers of Sacramento?

Wintour stops struggling. She appears to be won over by the better angels of our nature

ANNA (thinking, rather than speaking as humans do) NO YOU HAVEN’T YET. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOANIE. AS SOON AS SOMEONE COMES ALONG TO FREE US I’D LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

Patti Smith whizzes past on her skateboard. 

PATTI Happy birthday, Joan! See you at the party tonight; I’m bringing the orchids!

She ollies over the two of them. They shake their heads.

IN UNISON Oh, Patti.

Read more Happy Birthday, Joan Didion at The Toast.

05 Dec 16:55

Hold The Phone!

by pyrit

Oh, it’s just Japan, going the extra cute mile again! Check out these little kitteh cell phone stands; functional felines in six assorted colors! Suuure, these cats are cute, but will they answer when you call them?

cat1

cat2
Via our favorite partner in redonk, Rocket News!


Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: Big in Japan, Kittens, Product Cuteness
04 Dec 20:36

The Secret Misandry of Archie Comics

by Mallory Ortberg

Screen Shot 2013-12-03 at 10.55.04 AMI have no whimsical or intelligent introduction with which to frame this. Sometimes things just happen:

The female chief executive officer of Archie Comics is being sued for gender discrimination by her male employees.

Nancy Silberkleit’s lawyers claim the suit is baseless because the employees, all white men, don’t belong to a protected class.

You have my attention. Do go on:

The five employees — including Archie president Mike Pellerito and editor-in-chief Victor Gorelick — claim that Silberkleit used “gender as a weapon” to degrade them, for example, by refusing to call them by their names and instead referring to all of them as “Penis.” They also accuse her of frequently yelling “Penis! Penis! Penis!” in staff meetings.

According to court records, “[p]laintiffs fail to allege that any such comments were directed at any of the plaintiffs in particular, or they could cause extreme emotional distress even if they had been.”

But the employees contend that “the word ‘penis’ became somewhat of a campaign slogan and her preferred method of referring to employees in lieu of their names.”

“So we go to printer by the sixth, and then –”

“PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!”

“…go to printer by the sixth, which means we should be able to ship by–”

“PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!”

Please feel to picture that scene from 30 Rock where Tracy screams “PANTS! PANTS! PANTS!” but with the CEO of Archie Comics and the word “PENIS!” instead for the rest of the afternoon. That’s what I will be doing.

Read more The Secret Misandry of Archie Comics at The Toast.

03 Dec 20:58

The Shutter: A 30-year-old Mexican restaurant in Jamaica...

by Rachel Leah Blumenthal
allie

:(:(:(

03 Dec 15:42

Live from the International Slapfighting Semifinals!

by Not That Mike The Other Mike

… and as we begin round two, it’s clear that the American, Cliff McBleargh, is simply no match for the superior skill and aggressiveness of reigning champion Jacques Blacque of East Pugistan…

6BOI9us
Via Reddit.


Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: GIF of the Week, Pups
27 Nov 18:40

The Drift

The Drift
27 Nov 18:21

The Cut’s Holiday GIF Guide

by Sally Holmes

'Tis the season for lots of mandatory family time, awkward high school run-ins, and over-eating. To celebrate all of the feelings you'll be feeling over the holidays, we've put together a festive GIF guide to sum up the special moments heading your way. Enjoy, and please share any personal anecdotes ... More »