Hey, remember when clowns were funny, endearing creatures that delighted young children with their crazy antics and playful innocence?
"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL."
Believe it or not, I used to BE a clown. I'm talking face paint, balloon animals - the works. I realize that automatically makes me creepy and terrifying, but as a five-foot-tall, pigtail-wearing geek girl, I'm actually Ok with that.
"Oh, and could you grab the Cheerios off the top shelf? I can't reach."
You're probably wondering how children reacted to me as a clown, since everyone knows clowns only exist to obtain your internal organs in as bloody a method as possible - which they will then juggle in front of you, cackling, while an out-of-tune calliope churns slowly in the background and you're surrounded by fun house mirrors and porcelain dolls with empty eye sockets who somehow seem to be getting closer... and closer...
Sorry, where was I?
Oh, right. The kids.
To be honest, I spent my clowning days way more scared of children than they ever were of me. You see, children are very small. And fast. And when you present a pack of them with a single defenseless clown holding an excessively large bag of free candy, children can make the Hunger Games look like an episode of Mister Rogers.
Little Known Fact: clowns bleed squirty flowers.
And if you think a headless clown is unsettling, imagine a huge pile of nothing but clown heads.
Or better yet, just look at this:
(Ok, so maybe "better" wasn't the right word...)
Now imagine it slowly rotating, while a music box tinkles in the next room, and the door behind you creeeaks open to reveal a pale little girl with black, staring eyes, who suddenly shrieks...
"Happy Clown Week!"
Now, who wants cake?
Thanks to Anony M., Liz M., Dena R., Kristina K., & Carrie M., who dare you to look at this clown I found in a local arcade here in Orlando. That's right: THEY DARE YOU. Me, I'll just be whimpering over here in the corner...