Thank you for calling technical support. I’m sorry sir, but our dumb game only works with 3dfx Glide. Yes, I’ll transfer you. Please hold.
Today’s feature revolves around two inventions that have nearly been lost to the sands of time: game manuals and telephones. Developers used to be able to presume of gamers some willingness to study, so instead of making their games as idiotic as possible they packaged them with instruction manuals. I’ve got a big box full of these paper relics, many of them more fun to browse than their respective games are to play.
Phones, if you’ll recall, were originally for voice chat–with people other than your parents, even. Back in the ’90s plenty of developers did their own tech support in-house, and before everyone had Internet access they published their phone numbers for people to call in.
Somehow I got to wondering: which game manual has the oldest still functional phone number? So I spent a whole afternoon browsing my manuals’ fine print for digits, dialing them and recording the results. It was tedious work: there was no telling if any given manual would even contain a phone number, much less on which page to find it. Then I had to omit duplicate numbers derived from different manuals but from the same developer or publisher.
I wasn’t expecting much, seeing as how most of the companies represented in my box-o-manuals either closed shop or got bought out long ago. The results are interesting for their predictability–a sad testament to studios long dead. Here they all are, presented in the same order I called them.
Developer: Microprose. Source: X-Com: UFO Defense manual, 1994. Result: no answer.
Developer: Microprose. Source: Falcon 4.0 manual, 1998. Result: wrong number; diabetes care clinic.
Developer: Impressions Software. Source: Lords of the Realm manual, 1994. Result: fax machine registered to Biomed Realty Trust.
Publisher: Interactive Magic. Source: Great Battles of Caesar manual, 1997. Result: generic voicemail.
Publisher: Activision. Source: Quake II manual, 1997.
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Result: A machine answers and asks twice that I confirm my call does not pertain to the Call of Duty franchise. I do so confirm; I do so confirm a second time. After a brief wait a human tech comes on the line. I ask if he’d be willing to troubleshoot Quake II for me; he says although he isn’t trained on that game, since Activision sold it he feels obliged to do his best. Good man!
I think you might have just stabbed the helpline operator.
Developer: Apogee Software. Source: Wolfenstein 3D Hint Manual, 1992. Result: wrong number; Guardian Health Care company.
Publisher: Sierra On-Line. Source: Half-Life manual, 1998. Result: busy signal.
Publisher: Sierra On-Line. Source: A-10 Tank Killer manual, 1989. Result: generic voicemail.
Publisher: Ubisoft. Source: Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six manual.
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Result: After a short wait I get a human tech. I ask him how long this phone number has been in service. He says he’s got a Rayman sticker on his desk copyright 1995, so the number goes at least that far back. He sounds really proud of his Rayman sticker. I tell him I’m proud of him.
Developer: LucasArts. Source: Star Wars: Dark Forces manual, 1995. Result: number disconnected.
Developer: TalonSoft. Source: 12 O’Clock High manual, 1999. Result: number not in service, but an AI offered to connect me to one of two computer shops in the area. How did it know my call had anything to do with computers? Somehow a vestige of TalonSoft remains, like a wisp of smoke on the wind.
Developer: Blizzard. Source: Diablo manual, 1996.
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Result: “Thank you for calling Blizzard customer support. For assistance, please visit battle.net forward-slash support.” This messages then repeats about ten times in different languages. It’s not a human being, but I guess since the number’s still owned by the same company I’ll allow it.
Publisher: Electronic Arts. Source: Centurion: Defender of Rome manual. Result: Private voicemail.
“Psst… Galba. You’re not following the call script.”
Publisher: Electronic Arts. Source: Ultima Collection manual, 1998. Result: “The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls at this time.”
Publisher: Hasbro Interactive. Source: Worms Armageddon manual, 1999. Result: It’s a cruise ship scam! “Congratulations! You’ve won a complimentary two-night cruise! Your only responsibility is a nominal port fee of $59 per person…”
Publisher: Interplay. Source: Baldur’s Gate manual, 1998. Result: number disconnected.
Publisher: GT Interactive. Source: Heretic shareware tech support insert, 1994. Result: number not in service.
Publisher: GT Interactive. Source: Unreal manual, 1997. Result: nonworking number registered to Cytel, Inc.
Publisher: GT Interactive. Source: Unreal Tournament manual, 1999. Result: busy signal.
Developer: Looking Glass Studios. Source: Terra Nova: Strike Force Centauri manual, 1996. Result: private voicemail.
Developer: Paragon Software. Source: Dr. Doom’s Revenge manual, 1989. Result: number not in service.
Publisher: Nintendo of America. Source: Kirby’s Adventure manual, 1993. (Why this was in my PC box is anyone’s guess.)
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Result: An amiable human tech answers. I ask him how long his number has been in service. He puts me on hold so he can ask his supervisor. After a moment, he returns and says he intends to escalate this matter to his supervisor’s supervisor. He reassures me that he’s determined to “find the solution to my problem.” (Although he’s cheerful he speaks only in phone-tech generics.) He returns a couple minutes later and proudly announces that the number has been in service since the debut of the NES stateside in 1985. Holy crap.
Publisher: Microsoft. Source: Age of Empires manual, 1997. Result: number disconnected.
Developer: Bungie. Source: Myth: The Fallen Lords manual, 1997. Result: unknown voicemail.
Developer: Origin Systems. Source: Jane’s AH-64D Longbow manual, 1996. Result: number disconnected.
Developer: Access Software. Source: Links LS manual, 1996. Result: oddly soothing muzak.
Developer: SSI, Inc. Source: Gateway to the Savage Frontier manual, 1991. Result: number disconnected.
Developer: Maxis. Source: SimCity Classic manual, 1993. Result: private voicemail.
So Nintendo wins the contest: it’s been using the same tech support number since 1985. That just figures, doesn’t it? On a long enough timeline, Nintendo wins at everything.
Somewhere around here I’ve got another box-o-manuals of comparable size that I still can’t find. I checked the closet, under the bed, even beneath my big pile of unwearable winter clothing (the Tampa climate being what it is). If I ever do find it, expect a sequel post, or at the very least an addendum.