Leslie Albershardt Henning"Even a house of lies needs a strong foundation."
If lies are not the glue that binds us, then they are at least the sticky tape. This isn't only true just for us overly sensitive beings who can't face being told what we're really like, but also for lovers who can't stand knowing what our significant others are really thinking (about us). In this arena, some argue lies are essential to happiness.
Leslie Albershardt HenningGet ready...
Ooooh, another new and very stylish Mad Men promo showing all of the show's characters boarding planes to nowhere. Don't even try to read into it. That Matthew Weiner is only toying with you. HE'S ALWAYS TOYING WITH YOU. You know what, keep this up, Mad Men, and one day we're really going to leave you.
    
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Leslie Albershardt HenningDamnit, Don. Get your ish together already.
My theory: Don Draper is recently divorced, gives up for good on his children, and decides to move to California and live out his remaining days as the Dick Whitman construction that he never allowed himself to be.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningMy favorite Christmasy movie, as narrated by my inner monologue-plus-merlot.
We open in a fucking airport. A fucking AIRPORT!!! Of course Love, Actually, the apex of cynically vacant faux-motional cash-grab garbage cinema would hang its BIG METAPHOR on the bleak, empathy-stripped cathedral of turgid bureaucracy known as "the airport." Of course. And then, of course, Hugh Grant's voice pipes in to tell us how inspiring and magical the airport is, because when you're at the airport you can't help but notice that "love actually IS all around." THE FUCKING AIRPORT!!!!!
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Leslie Albershardt HenningUh huh uh huh uh huh.
ALERT: PRINCE WILL BE GUEST STARRING ON NEW GIRL. Taylor Swift, you are officially out of the running for the award of Sexiest Musical Guest Star on New Girl.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningWine: how classy people get vershnickered.
Millennials are drinking more wine than the lame-os of generations past, and it's changing the face of the industry. And they said we'd never accomplish anything!
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Leslie Albershardt HenningCoffee. Because nothing turns me on more than a strong cup of illy dark.
Coffee or morning sex? Because we live in modern times and have both Starbucks and Craigslist Casual Encounters, most people with internet access and a mode of transportation don't have to choose. And thank god! Because a new study indicates that if we did have to, we'd choose coffee, which would definitely result in a global coffee bean shortage and an utter lack of babies being born.
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One silver lining of getting your feelings stomped all over, is that post-heartbreak, people tend to be forgiving if you must cope by acting like a shithead for awhile. And while there are plenty of ways to act like a self-destructive mess in the wake of a traumatic life event — drinking excessively, crying excessively, sleeping with people you shouldn't excessively, excessive listening to Delilah's nightly call-in request show (don't judge me! That shit's comforting!) — one coping mechanism doesn't have to be unhealthy nor sad. Nor even shitheaded, really.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningThere's a Bosch / bush pun here somewhere...
Copyranter brings our attention to this new ad for Durex Lube, from Ogilvy Honduras. My coworker Tracie thinks the purpose of the ad is to argue that "even a dick THAT big can fit into a hole THAT small with this lube," but there's a lot going on involving this Gulliver of the sex world, so please, share what you see.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningTough job, but someone's got to do it... every durn morning.
Burlesque performer and fan dancing extraordinaire Jezebel Express once shared her realization that “sexy is a set of skills.” While I wholeheartedly believe this, I think it extends beyond sex appeal. Pretty, too, is a set of skills.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningCTFD, seriously.
Are you a person who is either getting married or who has ever gotten married via a ritual we call a wedding? Then I have a suggestion for how you might go about it that covers thinking about your wedding, planning it, participating in it, asking others to participate in it, or reflecting on it for the duration of your entire life: Calm the Fuck Down.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningI love it
Leslie Albershardt HenningBreak into their room, clean them up so they don't asphyxiate, and wait for a "thank you"??... ;)
Welcome to Friendzone, Jezebel's column devoted to dealing with the valuable people in your life. Got an issue and looking for guidance? Email friendzone@jezebel.com.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningCash is always in fashion.
No matter that people are marrying later than ever, often after having lived together for a number of years, thus having acquired all the five-speed blenders they could ever need: In the world of wedding etiquette, the only thing worse than being a bride- or groomzilla is having the low-class temerity to ask for $$ in lieu of traditional gifts. But things have changed, and it's time to get over ourselves and our phony outrage and pony the fuck up with cold, hard cash. This time, give the kids what they want already, and especially, what they really need: MONEY.
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Leslie Albershardt HenningBut you're a good giiiiirl.
At last week's Taste of Chicago, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel took the opportunity to put that dance major at Sarah Lawrence College to good use. Please note how the former White House Chief of Staff slowly undresses himself as the beat goes on: First the tie, then roll up the sleeves. That's how we should all get down.
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