This episode was brought to our attention by reader Sean R., who started his email with “While “Picard in Die Hard on the Enterprise” (aka Ep 6X18, Starship Mine (best title of the whole series)), might not entice you as it does me, how about the fact that he is wearing a horse-riding outfit the whole time?”
Sean. SEAN. While I appreciate the fact that you respect our position as a fashion blog, anything that can reasonably be described as “[someone awesome] in Die Hard in [a place]” is fine - nay, GREAT - by me.
- Chris Evans in Die Hard in the White House. (That’s who I was hoping would be in either of the two “Die Hard in the White House” movies from earlier this year.)
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg in Die Hard in Shake Shack.
- RuPaul in Die Hard in the American Museum of Natural History.
In fact, one of the few versions of this equation I would not be down with is “Bruce Willis in Die Hard in 2013,” because hoo boy, that one was rough. Let’s all just pretend it’s Christmas and re-watch the original.
Another reader, Rochelle, also requested this one “because, well, Picard carries a saddle around in it and that’s hot.”
Truth.
The episode starts with Picard being accosted by EVERYONE on the ship, starting with Data:
Are you uncomfortable yet? How about now? Now? What about now?
Data is attempting to learn about small talk, which confuses and irritates Picard:
I say…are you malfunctioning, old chap?
He walks through the whole ship, being pestered at every turn by crew members (wearing only uniforms and thus not pictured). It’s like the opening sequence of a rom-com about an uptight businesswoman who learns to love, except the uptight businesswoman is a dashing older gentleman.
Eventually we learn that two things are happening:
- The whole crew is leaving so the ship can undergo a baryon sweep (which will kill organic matter)
- There is a reception going on for a commander that no one likes because he loves to talk about nothing
So everyone leaves the ship. But before they do, Picard sees these guys getting ON the ship:
Those jumpsuits are suspiciously un-standard…and suspiciously ugly
Is that Tuvok in the middle? …sort of. We’ll get back to him later. For now, I will just say: those boots are atrocious.
Down at the reception, Bev’s hair is looking right:
I KNOW IT’S A WIG AND I DON’T EVEN CARE
It’s just so luxuriant.
Meanwhile, Data is watching the annoying commander for tips on small talk, leading to a series of great faces:
Give the man a goddamn Emmy
Everyone is trying to figure out a way to get out of this boring-ass reception, and Picard actually manages it, by saying he wants to go get his saddle and ride the horses, which is totally what I ALWAYS use as an excuse, except when I say it, it means something else. You use your imagination on that one.
Look, over there - it’s, uh…something else
Mostly I included this because I want to know what that shit is on the table and what art department person was responsible for it. “Hey, can we get a giant polka-dot wine goblet and an abstract Axe Body Wash bottle to go behind it? Great.”
But now we are finally to the part of the episode we’ve all been waiting for. Picard’s Riding Outfit. You can never truly be prepared for this, but try. Try.
DAAAAAAMN
There is just so much to love about this outfit. First of all, yes, Rochelle, carrying a saddle is hot. Why? Who knows. Let’s not question it. Shhh. Shh.
Next, this color and texture combo. We’ve got a merlot velvet blazer over a dusty green possibly silk shirt, and what appear to be velour treggings (that’s trouser-leggings for those not in the know), but will later prove to be corduroy treggings:
A wale-formed butt
It also turns out that the top is not just dusty green, but some sort of herringbone pattern for EXTRA SASS:
Petulant Teen Picard will play his music as loud as he likes
Seriously, though, check out this beautiful draping:
Deep V
As Picard strolls along, he runs into this guy:
Tuvok! Your ears!!!
j/k, that’s not Tuvok. It’s just the actor that plays Tuvok, in a role as Terrorist in a Terrible Jumpsuit. You guys. This jumpsuit is terrible. Why so many seams in places that do no favors to the human form? Why the muted color palette? This makes me think of what the people in The Giver might wear because it evokes sexlessness and lack of passion. I know there are colors on this jumpsuit, but they are so boring and dusty that they read like grey.
Picard is like “waaaaaaait aaaaaa miiiiiiiinute” and fights the guy, because he’s not supposed to be there:
Howwww diiiiid youuuuu GET. HERE. Nobody’s s’pos’ta BE. HERE.
Picard’s riding boots are classic and hot, and not-Tuvok’s jumpsuit is just as terrible from the back.
Vulcan neck pinch? Is that…irony?
Picard takes not-Tuvok out for the moment and begins his descent (ascent?) into Die Hard: Enterprise Edition.
Meanwhile, Data is boring this guy with his newly-acquired small talk skills:
The stripes on my top mirror the bars on the prison of this conversation
It turns out, however, that this whole reception is some sort of secret attack on the base they’re at and the people “hosting” it are also bad guys? Honestly, though, look at this guy. He’s clearly a villain:
Benedict Cumberbatch looks terrible
They took 1 part Vincent D’Onofrio, 1 part Oliver Platt, added some ridges and a touch of bitchy resting face, and ended up with this fellow in a leftover Tron outfit. The hair, however, is inexplicable.
An updo can make any outfit feel fancy, even a mock turtleneck
What is even happening here? A cross between a mohawk and your grandmother’s church hair, which means we may see it on Miley Cyrus before long.
This guy and his friend start shooting and take everyone at the reception hostage:
Also possibly a Miley Cyrus hairdo
The stripes on this top are so weirdly wide. He looks like a greyscale clown.
Meanwhile, Picard is fully playing out his Die Hard fantasies on the Enterprise. It really is pretty much just like Die Hard, except there are no hostages and Alan Rickman is tragically absent.
The role of Alan Rickman will be played by a 1940s lounge singer
That hair, right? For a terrorist, she sure has a great updo. Check out the back!
A sensible Modified Back Princess Leia is all the rage with terrorists this season
So what’s happening is that some terrorists - all wearing the same bad jumpsuit we saw earlier on not-Tuvok - have used the baryon scan to sneak onto the ship for nefarious purposes. In addition to Lady Alan Rickman, who’s the leader, we’ve got Molly Ringwald Ridge Face Terrorist:
Pretty in Purple (and Blue and Boring, Boring Grey)
Another member of the team, Hobbit Jared Harris:
Actually Jared Harris would be a great addition to Middle Earth
And their compatriot, Adrien Brody Plays a Coral Reef:
We would also have accepted “Jonathan Pryce: Ocarina Edition”
What do they want? I don’t know, some explosive stuff from the engine. That part is not important. This is important:
CROSSFIRE! YOU’LL GET CAUGHT UP IN THE
Yes, that’s a crossbow. On the Enterprise. SEEMS LEGIT. Also, that green top is even more ladylike than I previously imagined. Look at that banded bottom!
Just like John McClane, Picard must improvise, since command functions and power are all off. This leads to:
That can’t be safe
Most of the episode is a game of cat-and-mouse, both up on the Enterprise and down on the base, and eventually the crew of the Enterprise wins, obviously. You should watch this one, it’s great. There is a moment where Picard is trying to avoid the baryon sweep and ends up in this hidey-hole in Ten-Forward that is just a very enjoyable shot:
Peek
And of course at the end, Picard is concerned about his saddle, which he hasn’t seen since he used it to fight not-Tuvok. Worf finds it in a maintenance locker and returns it to a beaming Picard:
Just horsin’ around
This looks like a promo shot for a sitcom about a goofy bald guy who loves horse riding, his redheaded sister/caretaker, and their neighbors, a sensual brunette woman and her stern husband. What japes will they get into next?
