Callie.e.hansen

John Gara over at Buzzfeed came up with 6 Sharknado sequels that need to happen, like, right now, because everyone wants to see sharks coming out of a volcano.

[Source: Buzzfeed]

An article in the Indianapolis Star about interstate bridge heights and semitrailers has an unusual graphic. The "Average housecoat shown for scale" appears to be 14' 9" tall! Readers -and the internet- had a good time with that one. However, there is an explanation.

But it's all about the baseline, said the artist, Stephen J. Beard. The bottom line of the bar chart is not zero — it begins at 13’6” — so the cat is only pictured at a normal 1’3’’ in height, not 14’’9’. (Though I’m going to break out a ruler when I get home and confirm this data point with my own feline roommate.)

So the "scale" is actually a housecat sitting on top of a tall 18-wheeler. Glad they've cleared that up. He'd better move before they get to a bridge! Link  -via Buzzfeed

Plenty of gamemasters still use graph paper and three-ring binders to organize their role-playing campaigns, but there’s an arsenal of tools available to the tech-savvy GM. I talked to a bunch of experienced GMs to find out how they use digital tools to create and track their RPG adventures.

Read more...

Best explanation ever:

Take the fifty most murderous, duplicitous, treacherous, and violent people in the world…Now, put them in a room with one seat and make them play musical chairs to the death.

[Source: Basic Instructions | Via]

Brilliant! I can already taste it in my mouth. Using fresh raspberries ground into a paste is an especially good idea. Monique Volz used multigrain baguette in her recipe, but I'd try it with a sourdough bread.

Link -via Foodbeast

This picture was posted at reddit with the headline "This is what happens when you let primary school kids vote on the name of an animal." Spazzie McGee was the nickname of a character in the movie School of Rock. The emu named Spazzie McGee lives in Tasmania. But he is hardly the only example of folks taking liberties when they achieve naming rights, as many of the commenters pointed out.

If you were to adopt an owl, could you think of a better name than Hootie McOwlface? Maybe. We'd like to hear it!

Apparently, Pasta Batman was later overruled by authorities. The tiger is now named Whisper.

This is what happens when students get to name their own dormitory. Fort Awesome contains 2600 beds and serves Purchase College in New York. The website doesn't say exactly how it was named, but it certainly sounds like the kind of place in which 18-year-olds would want to live. Although it's not the first place to use this name, it preceded the TV series Secret Mountain Fort Awesome by several years.  

Okay, girls, what should we name our team? Sparkle Unicorns? That's great!

(YouTube link)

And of course, there's Mister Splashy Pants. Greenpeace staged an internet poll to name the whale in 2007, and 78% of online votes were for Mister Splashy Pants, even after fraudulent votes were thrown out. As you can see from this video, Greenpeace made its peace with the name.

Then there's Kim Kardashian, who gave birth to a baby girl last week, and named her exactly what an internet poll would have chosen: North. With no middle name. So her name is North West.

Now, in the dying embers of Father’s Day, we should take the opportunity to kick a few lukewarm coals around and consider important cultural representations of fatherhood in television, because nothing is more important than television. Nothing. TV dads are usually pretty flawed (TV moms, too), because parental tension is a great way to gin up drama or mine some cheap, “Ha-ha-ha, look how lazy/stupid/meddlesome Mom and Dad are!” laughs out of TV audiences. Most of us have parents. Familial conflict may be the commonest thread tying us together.

A lot of people would probably tell you that Don Draper is currently the shittiest father on TV. You could make a case, of course, that Tywin Lannister is actually the shittiest father, but the Lannister patriarch is at least hurting his family for political gain — Don Draper just lies a whole bunch and ends up accidentally scarring his children for life. He’s hapless and mean, the most detestable combination of characteristics around. And yet, Don Draper isn’t nearly as bad a father as one of TV’s most insane patriarchs, a father so awful he constantly held the memory of his daughters’ dead mother over their heads as the ultimate argument winner. Don Draper is bad, sure, but Danny Tanner was a full-on sociopath, twisted into an obsessive taskmaster by the tragic death of his wife.

Danny Tanner held an annual dirt inspection of his home, like a fascist military officer. If Mussolini had a home in San Francisco, this is exactly what he would do — press all his family members into spring cleaning service and make them sweep the entire house. The State can have not one single blemish!

Danny Tanner regularly and openly ridiculed his daughter’s awkward friend. What kind of a man openly mocks a tender, innocent soul like Kimmy Gibbler? Sure, she mooched all the time and blatantly ignored Haus Tanner’s Prescriptions for Cleanliness, but Danny Tanner was an adult. Kimmy was clearly an awkward adolescent. How much psychological damage did Danny’s japes and jibes inflict on poor, insecure Kimmy? We may never know the full breadth of her suffering.

Danny Tanner used the memory of his daughters’ dead mother to get them to do their chores. Case in point: “Your mom was always so good at this stuff. I'd come home from work and everything would be perfect. DJ, how do you think Mom would have handled this?” BETTER THAN YOU, DJ! You’ll never live up to your dead mother, now bring Father his dustbuster and go cavort with the neighborhood ruffians.

When Stephanie accidentally punches a hole in Danny’s bedroom wall, she spends the entire episode in fear for her life. She even says, “Dad is going to kill me.” Kill her, as in, end her life. What did Don Draper ever do to his kids? Leave them at a Waffle House?

Danny Tanner invites his down-and-out best friend to come over and help raise his three motherless daughters, but only if he sleeps under the stairs, like a troll. “Hey, girls, this is your ‘uncle’ Joey, a grown man you kind of know. He’ll be living under the stairs now, so watch your ankles when you run up to bed!”

He sabotages DJ’s attempt to be in a band just so he can relive his old delusions of rock ‘n roll grandeur. He wears a clip-on earring. A clip-on earring.

Danny Tanner feels like he’s getting old, so he tries to date a college student. Hey, at least Sylvia and Don are pretty much the same age. Danny Tanner used a younger woman to make himself feel younger, like Elizabeth Báthory.

You had to have known after the Game of Thrones season three finale that someone was going to make a Theon Greyjoy/"Dick In a Box" mashup. (And maybe — secretly — you couldn't wait?)

Well, you called. The internet answered and now we have no one to blame but ourselves.

Spoilers, obviously.

[Hypervocal]

********SPOILER ALERT********

Cheer up, Robb Stark! You may have lost the Game of Thrones, but you won the game of finding a seat on public transit. That has to be worth at least 10 Winterfells.

[Via imgur]

It's only a matter of time before a new celebrity takes up a cause, so it's hardly surprising that Grumpy Cat has officially taken her first public stance. At least Tard chose something positive.

Link

I live in the Pacific Northwest, which means that the most interesting bug-themed event of my lifetime was side-eyeing a silverfish in my laundry room last week (slimer needed to cut the attitude tho srsly). We don't have anything big or venomous or swarmy at all ever, which makes the east coast's 17-summer cicada party seem sort of biblical and fabulous. What I'm saying is that I'm pretty jealous, you guys.

HAHA NO I'M NOT WAY TO BE COVERED IN BUGS BOZOS!!! [Goes outside at literally any time not even thinking about bugs at all.]

Anyhoo, if you do have some weird desire to be experiencing Giant Bugtown, USA (Population: AAAAAHHHHHHH) 24/7, the Science Channel has you covered. They launched a live Cicada Cam, which is streaming footage of cicadas crawling all over a model of the Capitol Building. It's pretty cute, TBH.

Live video by Animal Planet L!ve

Cicada basics, in case you missed it:

According to National Geographic, the species spends much of their early life underground. When they emerge after two to 17 years, they latch on to trees and within a week they shed their nymph exoskeleton. Without the skin, they have stronger wings and the male cicada make the loud, noisy sounds to woo the female cicadas. And then the cycle begins again. There are more than 1,500 Cicada species; it’s Magicicada septendecim species that arrive every 17 years.

Cicada Cam will continue for the next week, unless they get busted by the Bug Secret Service or something. #THANKSBUGOBAMA.

Congratulations! And welcome to the adult world of debt. Remember: A Lannister always pays his debts, even if it might takes a long time. Link -via Blame It On The Voices

A truck carrying tons of grapes overturned and spilled on the 210 in the San Gabriel Valley in California. You don't get an opportunity to write a headline like that often. Link-Thanks, Michael Carney!

In today's Tweet Beat, Soulja Boy is looking for a millennial whom he can not pay for doing work, Margaret Cho does not deserve to be cyberbullied, and John Stamos is looking for the perfect song (don't be modest, Uncle Jesse — we all know that you already wrote it).

looking for a new social media intern. #sodmg #richgang

— Soulja Boy (@souljaboy) May 23, 2013

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ARE ABUSIVE ON TWITTER WHEN I AM JUST TELLING JOKES TO ALLEVIATE THEIR BOREDOM #thankstoeveryoneelsetho

— Margaret Cho (@margaretcho) May 23, 2013

just listened to 3 PERFECT songs - God Only Knows, True Love Ways & Something.Other perfect songs?(has to be PERFECT)

— John Stamos (@JohnStamos) May 23, 2013

Just home from the park and for some reason I have a real hankering for some Hoisin dipping sauce. twitter.com/BigBoyler/stat…

— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) May 23, 2013

The hotel I'm in has both conditioning shampoo and conditioner. I'm touched by their excessive concern toward the condition of my hair.

— Paul Feig (@paulfeig) May 23, 2013

There's something menacing about a Grizzly bear.But put a bonnet on its head and "voila!"

— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) May 23, 2013

Before I turned 40 I realized I had the ability to make some of my childhood fantasies real. Got a big ass playground & an adjustable bed.

— kimya dawson (@mrskimyadawson) May 23, 2013

The person who decided hot dogs go in the dairy aisle had an executive functioning disorder, yet I like that we've all just gone with it.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) May 23, 2013

Can't see any way around the person who designed this phone being an obvious ass-hat. twitter.com/caitlinmoran/s…

— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) May 23, 2013

Told a woman "baby let's live tonight like tomorrow won't come" & she left to reconcile w/ her parents, from whom she had been estranged.

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 23, 2013

Gyal ah gwan like dem put in werrrrkkkkkk!!! Pussy gwarrrrnnnnn!!!!! Now mi aga da DEAD uno!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rrrrrrrraaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) May 23, 2013

There is a tiny demon who comes into my room at night and rearranges the icons on my iPhone and also Facebook-stalks my exes ok bye

— Ed Weeks (@EdwardWeeks) May 23, 2013

Happy Thursday To All! We know negativity is prevalent today so please try and take something positive from this day!��

— La Toya Jackson (@latoyajackson) May 23, 2013

THEY FiGURED i WAS TARZAN THE WAY i STAY ON ViNE

— MTV RiFF RAFF(@JODYHiGHROLLER) May 23, 2013

I don't understand why blacks and whites and people of all colors can't unite against their common enemy: teenagers

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) May 23, 2013

I'm nominated for a Teen Choice Award! I promise to run a clean campaign w/ no false promises so vote 4 me & I'll raise everyone's allowance

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) May 23, 2013

Why do herds of young women walk in a "five across" formation and move for no one? Just saw a cluster almost clothesline an old lady.

— Johnny Weir-Voronov (@JohnnyGWeir) May 23, 2013

Great news!!! twitter.com/timheidecker/s…

— timheidecker (@timheidecker) May 23, 2013

So now the word "genius" basically means "mildly interesting person who read stuff in the news you haven't gotten to yet"

— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) May 23, 2013

When is my phone going to learn that I never, ever meant to write "ducked up"?

— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) May 23, 2013

Image via Getty.

OMG Tim Curry is recovering from a stroke. Please be well. Legend, Rocky Horror, Worst Witch, Clue fans: Can we talk about this man's genius?

Yes, it's true: Hanson, that center-parted trio of cherub brothers from the 90s, will now be known for precisely two things: a song called MMMbop and a beer, named after the song, that was released 16 years later.

Here is a picture of Taylor Hanson and Ed Helms enjoying the beverage, taken from Instagram:

And here a link to the MMMhops website. As of now, it just seems to be a survey asking whether you plan to go to a Hanson concert and/or drink their beer in the near future.

Can you guess the beer's tagline?
(Answer: "MMMHOPS: FROM THE GUYS THAT INVENTED MMMBOP.")

[H/T The Frisky]

Of all the trend pieces about fake trends, this one claiming that ladies don't love Game of Thrones has got to be one of the dumbest. If I could, I'd sic Brienne of Tarth on them.

Thrillist, Daily Candy's frat bro, posted a goofy piece about why women dislike GoT. Let's see... we hate gross things, complicated storylines, nerds, and whores. Basically, we're the sorority sisters that hate the members of Animal House.

Paolo Sambrano over at the San Francisco Appeal rebutted:

I am convinced that the woman who wrote the “Why Girls Hate Game of Thrones” piece on Thrillist isn’t a woman, but an AI Construct made out of rejected Teen Talk Barbie sayings and still operates on the belief that boys have cooties.

>…you can always distract us with Mad Men. Girls may hate Game of Thrones, but we love Don Draper.

See also: math is hard, let’s go shopping.

There's a reason the Game of Thrones posts are some of Jezebel's most popular, and it's not because men are flocking to this site to know how many dongs were flashed last week (although they should be — Madeleine's recaps are off. the. CHAIN.). It's because Game of Thrones is arguably a feminist show, and even forgetting that: it's just really fucking entertaining and when we're taking a break from cooking, cleaning, and busting balls, we like to be entertained, too!

We also live within the world where Game of Thrones is a commercial and critical success, and we, like many people of all genders, are curious when it comes to things that everyone is talking about all the time everywhere. Men don't have to downplay the amount of incest and boobs in every episode, because we live in this world and already know what the show is about. It's not some secret cult hit for D&D players only, it's a show with an enormous fan following — and many of those fans? They're women.

If that's all too much for some to comprehend, let our friend Ben Wyatt break it down:

[Thrillist] [SFAppeal]

If you've never experienced the first day of spring weather after a Great Lakes winter, let me try to explain it to you. (If you have, pour yourself a brandy old fashioned and sit back, baby, because you've earned it!)

After months and months of snow — so much snow — that usually lasts well into April, you one day step outside and immediately shield your eyes. "What is that glowing, burning globe in the sky and why does it hurt to look at," you ask yourself. Ah, yes — the sun. You remember it now from the stories that your papa told you in your bonny youth, the days when you were small enough to be bounced on his knee and foolish enough to miss the grim message behind his kind smile: Winter isn't coming. Winter is here.

You remember what else your papa told you: the sun gives off warmth. Warmth. Warmth! A word so strange that you struggle to comprehend its meaning, but then you realize that you do comprehend it. In fact, you've been feeling it ever since you stepped outside, unnecessarily clutching your filthy winter coat around your body. There's a prickle of sweat on your back, a whiff of mud in the air and then it all comes flooding back to you. This is Spring, but is it real? Are other people feeling it? You've been fooled before by that strange snap of 40-degree days in February. Are you being fooled again? And what of the others? The friends and family who you haven't seen since before The Great Snow — did they survive? (They did and somewhere, neighborhoods away, they are wondering the same about you.)

I paint this picture only to illustrate that we shouldn't laugh at the people of Madison, Wisconsin (the good city where I was born and bred) who are currently flooding 911 with reports of seeing possible dead bodies lying in the grass, only for police to later discover that the corpses are actually very-much-alive sunbathers. Of course, the Madisonians think that their city, after "one of the worst fucking winters ever" (quote source: my mom), had turned into a distopic hellscape littered in bodies. They don't know any better! They're still trying to remember how to wear shirts without sleeves and eat food that's not potatoes and cured meat. Give them a break!

Still a dispatcher from 911 had relayed this message to city news site Madison.com:

"Please tell cellphone users that people lying in the grass are not necessarily dead."

Noted.

Before calling 911, check to see if person lying on grass is dead [Madison.com]

Image via Getty.

No, really. Take a wild guess how many.

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Sorry, Volkswagen Darth Vader Kid. This new Audi commercial, starring both Leonard Nimoy and Zachary Quinto, has beat you. You've got two Spocks smack-talking each other, Leonard Nimoy cursing, and best of all, an impromptu rendition of the "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."

Read more...

This about covers it.

Image by Misanthropist on Most Days/Paranoid Shiksa Feminista.