Amid new policies restricting instruction on race, gender and sexuality, The Texas Tribune seeks examples of college course changes from students and instructors.
Upon signing school vouchers into law last May, Governor Greg Abbott pronounced that he had delivered “education freedom to every Texas family.” But the billion-dollar program, which opens to parents on February 4, has enrolled dozens of private schools that openly discriminate against Texas families on the basis of religion, sexual orientation, or gender identity, according to a Texas Observer analysis of information gathered from the schools’ websites and handbooks, and survey responses and phone calls with school leaders.
The Observer gathered information about all 291 schools selected by the state that offer education beyond the kindergarten level. More than 90 percent are affiliated with or owned by a religious or faith-based group, the analysis found. More than 100 of those schools require or prioritize for admission students of the same faith, and more than 60 have a written policy that discriminates against LGBTQ+ students, the schools’ own data shows.
The Texas Comptroller’s office announced December 22 that nearly 600 private K-12 and early pre-K schools had already been enrolled in the Texas Education Freedom Account (TEFA) program, as the state vouchers have been dubbed. But only about half that were listed on its website as of January 1 serve students beyond kindergarten. The comptroller’s office, which administers the voucher program, has not provided comment for this story.
About 70 percent of these schools are concentrated in the greater metropolitan areas of Houston, Dallas-Fort Worth, San Antonio, and Austin. Many rural Texas families will have no options; more than 180 of Texas’ 254 counties have no elementary, junior, or senior high schools enrolled so far.
Participating students in approved private schools will receive $10,474 for the 2026-27 school year—though students with special needs may receive up to $30,000 and homeschool students will receive $2,000. If applications for the voucher program exceed available funding, program rules state that the comptroller must prioritize applications of students with disabilities and lower incomes.
But these rules don’t guarantee student access to enrolled private schools.
The Observer’s analysis found that around a third of the schools enrolled in the program have a 2025-26 tuition that exceeds $10,474 and few offer special education services. Private schools generally increase rates every year, and the tuition excludes other fees and costs, such as registration, testing, sports, supplies, field trips, or uniforms.
Governor Greg Abbott in 2023 (Logan Hannigan-Downs/College Station Eagle via AP)
Unlike public schools, private schools are not required to accept all students and can weed out students through a lengthy admission process that requires recommendations, testing, and interviews. Chinquapin Preparatory School, a secular school in the Greater Houston area, only invites students to take an admissions test if they first pass a review of prior standardized test scores, report cards, and recommendations. Even after passing the exam, they still have to clear interviews and classroom observations.
In addition, around 40 percent of the religious schools have policies that favor students of their own faith and around 25 percent have policies that discriminate against LGBTQ+ students.
Nik Nartowicz, lead policy counsel for Americans United for Separation of Church and State, said the organization has opposed private school vouchers for many years because of such inherent biases. “Taxpayers should not be forced to fund someone else’s religion or discrimination; it’s a violation of taxpayers’ religious freedom,” he told the Observer.
Of the participating schools included in the Observer’s analysis, 268 are religious—with 176 Catholic, 91 Protestant, and one Jewish. Only 23 are secular.
Of the 176 Catholic parochial schools, at least 40 percent prioritize admission of students from their own parish or other Catholic students, based on a review of policies posted on school websites and handbooks. For many of these schools, non-Catholic students are at the bottom of the priority enrollment list. For example, St. Theresa Catholic School in Austin prioritizes in order: children of faculty, siblings of current students, children of parishioners, children of alumni, and children of other Catholic parishes, before enrolling all other applicants, based on “alignment with the school’s mission and values” and assessment results.
“Parochial schools maintain admission requirements so we can faithfully live out our educational and spiritual mission,” Camille Garcia, Secretariat Director of the Diocese of Austin, wrote in response to the Observer’s inquiry on St. Theresa Catholic School’s admission policies. “These requirements are not meant to exclude, but to ensure alignment with the mission and with the parent’s vision for their children.”
About a third of the other participating 91 Christian schools bar from enrollment students who are not from Christian families, based on admission policies posted on websites and handbooks and some responses via phone calls. Some identify themselves as “covenant schools” that aim to only partner with Christian families in the education of their children, as opposed to “mission schools” with an evangelical objective. Many of these covenant schools require an applicant’s family to be professing Christians, to be active members of a Christian church, or provide a character reference from a pastor. That includes Conroe’s Lifestyle Christian School, whose website states: “For a student to be eligible for admission or re-enrollment, the family must be Christians, a member of an evangelical, Bible-believing church, and REGULAR in attendance at the church.” Even if families fit this criteria, its handbook states, “LCS reserves the right to decline admission or re-enrollment of any student at the sole discretion of the school’s administration.”
Lifestyle Christian School’s head of school Chris Brown did not respond to the Observer’s multiple requests for comment on the school’s admission policies.
Students enrolled in Christian schools generally have to attend chapel services and are taught scripture. But some of the approved schools also practice “Kingdom Education,” a religious education model that integrates the Bible into all subject-area instruction. For example, the the McAllen-based Covenant Christian Academy’s curriculum map for 8th Grade American History states that for all units from European settlement to the Civil War to the Industrial Revolution students will learn the guiding Biblical principle that begins with, “God is creator. All things, including time, were made by and for Himself” and ends with, “God’s plans for history are beyond my full comprehension.” Its curriculum map for a unit on “Prokaryotes and Viruses” for 9th Grade Biology states students will learn about creationism, the “success of pathogenic organisms as a result of the Fall and Curse,” and “disease as a result of sin.” Learning addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, according to its 3rd Grade Math curriculum map, means learning about the “absoluteness-immutability” of God.
Milton Gonzalez, executive director of Covenant Christian Academy declined to comment on the school’s curriculum for this story.
Covenant Christian Academy and other approved schools, like the First Baptist Academy in the San Antonio area, use textbooks from Abeka or Bob Jones University Press which have included inflammatory and controversial racist statements that describe slavery as “black immigration” and characterize slaves as “better investments than indentured servants.”
Christine Povolich, head administrator of the First Baptist Academy did not respond to the Observer’s multiple requests for comments on the school’s curriculum.
In 2005, the Association of Christian Schools International sued the University of California for religious discrimination because the university system had rejected credits from high school courses based on Abeka and Bob Jones textbooks. The attempt was quashed by a 2008 United States District Court for the Central District of California decision in favor of the University of California and a year later upheld by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. But Texas’ approval of schools that use these texts could raise more questions about whether these schools are appropriately preparing students for colleges.
For at least 25 percent of the 268 participating religious schools, behavioral expectations include adherence to strict sexuality and gender policies. Some of these schools forbid enrollment of or allow schools to kick out LGBTQ+ students, according to the Observer’s review of school handbooks.
Many Christian schools use the Association of Christian Schools International’s template “Statement on Marriage, Gender, and Sexuality,” which states that “rejection of one’s biological sex is a rejection of the image of God within that person,” that “‘marriage’ only has one meaning: the uniting of one man and one woman,” and that “any form of sexual immorality (including adultery, fornication, homosexual behavior, bisexual conduct, bestiality, incest, and use of pornography) is sinful and offensive to God.” The Bay Area Christian School in the Greater Houston area states in its handbook under a section called “Bay Area Christian School Lifestyle Stance” that “The school reserves the right to refuse enrollment or discontinue partnership when the atmosphere or conduct within a family or actions or stances of a student oppose the scriptural posture” of the school, including “immoral heterosexual activity, homosexual activity, bisexual activity, transgender activity, or sexual deviancy.”
Many Catholic schools included similar statements in their policies. For example, Catholic schools in the Diocese of Corpus Christi use “Human Sexuality: Guiding Principles for Catholic School Leaders,” which states that students will use names, pronouns, and facilities corresponding to their biological sex and that “expressions of a student’s sexual identity” and “expressions of a student’s disordered inclination for same‐sex attraction” are prohibited as they may cause “disruption or confusion regarding the Church’s teaching on human sexuality.” The Diocese also suggests conversion therapy should be used when school leaders identify gay and transgender students. The document states that school leaders should “encourage the family to seek the guidance of their pediatrician and counseling by a trained licensed professional who may be able to assist with this issue in accord with Catholic teaching and natural law.”
Katia Uriarte, director of communications for the Diocese of Corpus Christi, declined to comment for this story.
Bay Area Christian School’s Head of School Les Rainey did not respond to the Observer’s multiple requests for comment on the school’s admission policies.
Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 mandates that public schools prevent and redress sex-based and gender-based harassment of students in public schools. But “Private religious schools don’t have to have that framework,” said Paige Duggins-Clay, chief legal analyst at the Intercultural Development Research Association, a Texas education and civil rights policy organization. “Private schools can say our religious beliefs or our moral beliefs dictate that having a gender identity or sexual orientation that doesn’t conform with traditional male-female binaries is against our religion.”
Texas’ voucher law also states that private schools will not be considered “state actors,” thus restricting the state from “imposing requirements that are contrary to the religious or institutional values or practices of an education service provider.” Attempts during the legislative session to include anti-discrimination provisions in the voucher law were blocked.
Unlike public schools, private schools are also not required to enroll or provide special education services to students with disabilities that are otherwise required under federal law—so long as they don’t receive federal funding under those provisions.
Even though Texas’ voucher program prioritizes students with special needs, most private schools currently enrolled lack special education services. The Observer received information from 257 schools regarding special education services through a mix of survey responses, phone calls, or information from school handbooks. Of those, less than a dozen schools stated that special education services are available to students. If students with special needs are accepted, some schools said they provide limited accommodations, such as extended time for tests, preferential seating, small-group instruction, and testing; fewer schools offer services for dyslexia and dysgraphia or tutoring for extra costs. Most Catholic school handbooks include a statement similar to that by the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston, which states, “Students with exceptional learning needs are admitted to the extent that the needs of students can be met within the scope of the programs and available resources on each campus.”
These private schools’ limited ability to provide special education services to students has not stopped private school leaders from encouraging families to obtain an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) to qualify for up to $30,000 in school vouchers. The Texas Conference of Catholic Bishops, for instance, has created a handout for parents instructing them how to request an evaluation for an IEP from their local public school district. (The Texas comptroller enacted rules requiring an IEP to qualify.)
Steven Aleman, senior policy specialist with Disability Rights Texas, which advocates for public school students with disabilities, told the Observer he’s concerned this will “only divert precious public resources away from remaining public school students with disabilities.”
State Representative Gina Hinojosa, a longtime voucher opponent who is running to be the Democratic gubernatorial candidate, told the Observer, “Make no mistake, every time they talk about ‘school choice’ they are actually taking options away from Texans.” She added that Abbott is “making taxpayers pay the tuition of families who are already enrolled in private school.”
Gina Hinojosa on the House floor in May 2025 (Jordan Vonderhaar for the Texas Observer)
Last December, Brentwood Christian School in Austin held a webinar on the program for families whose students were already enrolled at the school. During the meeting, a parent expressed concern that the award-winning school would change if there was a “run of people” from public schools.
But President Jay Burcham eased their concerns. “We’re full,” Burcham said, explaining that the school only has 15 remaining seats across 14 grade levels. “We do not have to change our accommodations for anyone. We are Brentwood Christian school. This program is for the parents. You’re the beneficiary,” he said.
Burcham suggested students already enrolled in private schools would be prioritized. “It’s been said they want this first go-through to be more for the people who are already in private schools,” he said, later adding, “We want as many of our people in as possible.” During the webinar, Burcham instructed parents how to qualify for the program’s first priority tier for students with disabilities: “If you got the diagnosis, that’s step number one. … Then we have to work really hard with the school district to get an IEP in place.” Even if they don’t qualify for the priority slots, Burcham still encouraged existing Brentwood parents to apply.
In response to the Observer’s inquiry about the webinar, Burcham said the school also held an informational meeting including prospective applicants. But he wanted to make sure currently enrolled families knew they could also apply. “BCS tuition is quite a bit lower than most Central Texas private schools. Even with this lower tuition, we still have many families who receive financial aid subsidies through BCS. These are families who are making ongoing sacrifices to keep their kids in a private and parochial school environment, and they are an intended and welcome participant in the TEFA program, just like the students who may be using TEFA to transfer from a public school to a private school are intended and welcome participants,” Burcham wrote via email.
According to the voucher law’s fiscal note, the billion-dollar program could grow past $6 billion in the next biennium since the Legislature can appropriate more money to expand it to cover more students.
“We need you to register, because the intent is that they’re going to grow this,” Burcham told Brentwood parents during the webinar. “In other words, if you register, but you don’t get TEFA, in two years, you have a high likelihood. So, think of the long game.”
In February of last year, the Texas Observer reported that James “Jim” Joseph Rodden—an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) assistant chief counsel who acts as a prosecutor for ICE in immigration court in Dallas—operates a white supremacist X account named GlomarResponder, based on an overwhelming number of biographical details that the Observer matched through publicly available documents, other social media activity, and courtroom observation.
The account has over 17,000 followers and has routinely posted hateful statements, including that “America is a White nation,” that “‘Migrants’ are all criminals,” and that “All blacks are foreign to my people,” in addition to posts with apparent praise of Adolf Hitler.
After the Observer’s initial story was published, Rodden was apparently pulled from federal immigration court schedules. Three members of Congress sent letters to ICE and the Department of Homeland Security demanding an investigation into Rodden. ICE responded in a letter last March to Congressman Marc Veasey, who represents part of Dallas, stating that the ICE Office of Professional Responsibility (OPR) “understands the seriousness of the allegations and will ensure the allegations are addressed appropriately, fairly, and expeditiously” and that typically “OPR administrative investigations are completed within 120 days.” ICE has not provided any further information since.
Upon receiving a tip from an attorney who represents immigrants in removal proceedings at the Dallas Immigration Court, the Observer arrived at the courtroom of Judge Deitrich H. Sims Tuesday afternoon ahead of the day’s merits hearings for federal immigration cases. When the Observer opened the door to the courtroom, Rodden was sitting at the prosecutors’ desk. A court clerk said the Observer was not allowed to sit in on the hearings. The Observer also obtained a photo of Rodden exiting the courtroom Tuesday wearing his staff badge.
James Rodden at the federal immigration court in Dallas on January 13, 2026
ICE did not immediately respond to the Observer’s request for comment on Rodden’s employment status.
Rodden’s apparent return to work as an ICE prosecutor in immigration court comes at a time when ICE’s aggressive immigration enforcement tactics are driving national controversy and mass protests, especially after an ICE agent in Minneapolis shot and killed Renee Good, a mother and award-winning poet, on January 7.
Rodden’s X account, GlomarResponder, has been set to private but is still active. On September 28, 2025, the account responded to the question “Can anyone point to me exactly where America started going downhill?” The account responded: “November 6, 1860”—the date that President Abraham Lincoln, the president whose administration ended slavery, was elected.
“I will not let this go unnoticed,” said Veasey in a statement to the Observer. “White supremacists should not hold positions of authority in our justice system, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that Rodden is held accountable.”
Editor’s Note: This story has been updated with comment from Congressman Marc Veaseyand with a more specific description of an unnamed source.
THE HEAVENS—Praising the man-made food item as “on par with the real thing,” God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created. “Credit where credit is due—between the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely don’t hate this,” said the Infallible Architect of All Things, adding that He wouldn’t have bothered to invent the decapod crustacean species in the first place had He known the fish-based substitute would be “this decent.” “When I first saw you guys tinkering around with crab meat, I admit, I was ready to punish you for the sin of hubris. But I’m really impressed. This imitation version has a nice mouthfeel and a good flavor that’s not overly fishy. I know firsthand how hard that is to do—have you ever eaten mackerel? Plus, this is a perfect workaround for Jesus’ shellfish allergy. Kudos.” God added that humans “still have a long way to go” when it comes to vegan cheese.
PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam.
“Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dream—why does this keep happening?” said Hayward, 41, recounting how he had awoken with sweat-soaked sheets after enduring a multipart dream in which the girder-toting character playfully joined him in the team’s shower facilities at Acrisure Stadium before eventually making love to him on the 50-yard line. “As soon as I fall asleep, there he is, peeling off his overalls and calling me a ‘dirty little Yinzer who needs to get fucked, Steely-style.’”
“I don’t know where any of this is coming from, but I really wish it would stop,” he added.
When pressed on the topic, Hayward described dozens of sex dreams centered on the lantern-jawed NFL mascot, including a “terrifying” one in which Steely pursued him down Art Rooney Avenue, placed a yellow and black wig on the Pittsburgh native’s head, and vigorously sodomized him at the foot of the Mister Rogers Memorial.
Hayward, who is heterosexual, also admitted that several of these incidents—among them a dream in which Steely held him down and “went to work on my penis with his hungry mouth”—had caused him to produce voluminous nocturnal emissions, to his intense shame and bewilderment.
Noting that he had resorted to taking beta-blockers and high doses of trazodone in a fruitless effort to fend off the fantastical sex dreams, Hayward confirmed that the phantasmagoric encounters with Steely had begun to interfere with his daily routine.
“It’s really hard to focus on work when you spent the previous night getting railed by Steely in Franco Harris’ living room,” he said, adding that the dreams often culminated with the mascot angrily ordering him to clean up his discharge with a Terrible Towel. “Like, I’ll have eight hours of frantic sleep where I’m getting pounded and spanked by Steely the entire time. How am I supposed to look my family in the eyes after that?”
“Also, his penis is an I-beam,” he continued. “Forgot to mention that part.”
At press time, a dreaming Hayward was reportedly being held at gunpoint by McBeam and forced to masturbate onto a Primanti Bros. Italian sausage and cheese sandwich.
Cornwall, Prince Edward Island – Terry and Linda Haddad say their annual New Year’s tradition of booking a sale on an all inclusive resort was hampered this year when they woke up to news that the United States had invaded Venezuela and abducted their president. “We thought we’d take Sunwing somewhere warm for March Break […]
At this point, I’d like to thank the University of Sheffield for providing a full virtual tour of their new Social Sciences building, “The Wave”. A big help, lads. Offsets how the virtual tour of your student accommodation now auto-rotates. That was a low freaking blow.
I have a coworker I’ll call Riley from a different department in my organization. Riley and I were becoming pretty good work friends, when they experienced a psychotic break and tried to end their own life. I didn’t want someone I cared about to die, so I stepped up as a support person. I learned that Riley had been hospitalized before for the same reason before we met. I thought I was equipped to absorb some of their pain while they worked through mental health treatment and stabilized.
Riley was better for a few months, then spiraled and went back to the hospital. This cycle never stopped. I don’t even remember how many times they came back from the brink, both with and without hospitalization. We were constantly in touch. Avoiding my phone for an evening meant coming back to a bunch of scary texts, and then I’d spend hours talking them back to safety. It was terrifying and exhausting.
After about two years of this dynamic, they went off their meds again and I snapped. I told them I needed a break and not to contact me for a while.
This happened years ago and we haven’t spoken since. They did send a long email owning how manipulative they’ve been (even without always meaning to be) and apologizing for their behavior. Their condition isn’t their fault, but I’m still struggling with the after-effects of this friendship. They weren’t the only stressor in my life, but the stress of experiencing a constant cycle of life-or-death situations broke something in me. I’ve been less able to cope with more normal stressors than I used to be, let alone major ones. I keep people at a greater distance than I used to. Some physical symptoms I’d been having on-and-off became constant, until I was finally diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. I can’t put full responsibility for these issues on one person, but I often wonder what life would be like if I’d set a really firm boundary earlier.
I never responded to their apology email, which I’m not proud of because it took real courage to admit wrong, but I feel so used and it’s very painful. They have texted me occasionally outside of work, and I’ve never responded to those either. Working in different departments has mostly let us organically avoid each other at work. Seeing their name on my text notifications or Zoom roster gives me instant panic symptoms. And when I think about what to even say in a response, I draw a blank. Even writing this out is giving me nervous sweats!
Our workplace is going through a reorg. Naturally, Riley has been reassigned to my team and we’ll have overlapping project work that we’ll have to collaborate on. Riley sent me an email acknowledging that this is awkward and they want to have a positive professional relationship. (Of course, I haven’t responded to that either.)
I want to be professional and take the high road, but I also just want to keep as much distance as I possibly can. I feel emotionally immature for reacting this way, but I feel like I’m being exiled from a safe space. Because the circumstances are so wrapped up in private, sensitive medical information, I don’t think talking to anyone at work is an option (plus our HR is not trustworthy).
Take the opportunity to respond to their email and lay out what you need in terms of boundaries.
For example: “I appreciate your note, and I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your previous ones. I’ve struggled with the aftermath of our friendship, and I’m continuing to process some of the stresses of that time. While I’ll of course be professional and cordial when we need to work together, I prefer not to have a relationship outside of work conversations. Thank you for understanding.”
It’s possible that once Riley moves on to your team and you have daily exposure to them, your reactions to them will necessarily recalibrate — that they’ll become a more routine and mundane part of the background than the stressful memories of them that currently loom in your head.
But if that doesn’t happen, and given the intensity of your stress response to even thinking about them right now, is there any opportunity in this reorg for you to change teams too — or at least to talk with your boss about being assigned projects that wouldn’t have you working closely with Riley (framing it as “we have a fraught history that I can of course be professional about but I would prefer not to work closely with them if there are alternatives”)?
Or, if not, is Riley’s presence going to be disruptive enough to you that it would make sense to actively work on leaving the organization altogether? You might think, “I shouldn’t have to leave an organization I’ve been at for years” — but there’s no shame in deciding that the new composition of your team isn’t one that works well for you and choosing to move away from it. (Plus, you’ve been there for years, which means professionally you might benefit from tackling something new anyway.)
BASTROP, TX—In a trend that raises serious questions about consent on the social media platform, rising numbers of X users have been asking the Grok chatbot to put more clothes on pictures of Elon Musk, sources confirmed Monday. “We live in an age when all a user needs to do to generate a fully clothed photo of a tech entrepreneur like this is input the prompt ‘@grok, Elon Musk but with baggy windbreaker,'” said University of Chicago social media expert Danielle Anjos, whose lab detected a 375% increase in deepfake imagery in which every inch of the 54-year-old Musk’s flesh was covered in layer after layer of cargo shorts, oversized hoodies, and shape-concealing sweatpants. “These are incredibly powerful tools with the capacity to take a normal picture of Musk in a bathing suit and pile on so many vests and golf shirts that not even the slightest shred of his skin is visible. Many are even covering his face with a veil so absolutely everything is left to the imagination.” Anjos went on to applaud platforms like OpenAI’s Sora, which have chosen to ban images of Elon Musk entirely.
WASHINGTON—Asserting that the images were “100% authentic,” the Justice Department released Monday what appeared to be deepfake nudes of Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell. “The American people deserve to know that the central bank is led by a total slut,” Attorney General Pam Bondi said of the photo, promising that more sexually explicit images of Powell were on the way. “This isn’t about retaliation; it’s about transparency. When we asked Jerome Powell if he had ever been pegged by Taylor Swift on the roof of the Eccles Building, he said no. These images clearly prove he is a liar, and a disgusting, shameless one at that.” At press time, Powell had released a statement saying he would not succumb to federal pressure no matter how President Trump portrayed his body hair.
SEATTLE—In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they’re looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area’s racial homogeneity. “Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on the ethnic exclusivity of the surrounding community,” said company spokesperson Susan Corwin, who explained that the new feature lets buyers narrow their search with filters bearing labels such as “Fully Gentrified,” “Historically Redlined,” “No Blacks,” and “No Puerto Ricans.” “Tell our app how far you want to live from people who don’t look like you, and whether it’s 20 blocks or 20 miles, Zillow will show you which areas fit your comfort level. Let us help you find a neighborhood with good schools, nice walkability, maximum genetic purity, or a shorter commute.” Zillow’s segregation scores are reportedly determined by an AI tool that is trained on census records, mortgage-lending data, and the frequency of Nextdoor posts beginning with “Not to be racist, but…”
MILWAUKEE—After instructing his 5-year-old son to imagine a bunch of birthday candles at the other end of the tube, local dad Rick Cerney, 41, reportedly rewarded the child’s blow into his car Breathalyzer Monday with a dicey trip to an ice cream shop. “Great job, buddy—just like a balloon, right?” Cerney said as he used his knees to steer onto a busy road so he would have both hands free to crack open his next beer. “Here, hold the wheel for a second while I find my koozie. Whoa, that guy came out of nowhere, huh? Hey, put your seatbelt on—I can’t risk getting pulled over again. What do you say we stop off to see Uncle Frank and Uncle Jimmy at the bar? You wait in the car while I run in and say hi, then we’ll go find the ice cream, okay?” At press time, the 5-year-old was seen enjoying a scoop of cotton candy ice cream and driving home with his dad passed out in the backseat.
WASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official “ICE kills everyone” agenda for 2026. “In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure the extrajudicial killing of all U.S. citizens at the hands of ICE officers,” said Republican National Committee chair Joe Gruters, claiming the new platform pillar represented the priorities of everyday, hard-working Americans who wished to be summarily executed by an agent of the U.S. government. “Cowardly Democrats have made it clear they intend to take away your God-given right to be shot point-blank by a federal law enforcement officer, but we will not let them. Republicans must remain in power come November if we are to have any chance of the entire nation being beaten to death for simply walking down the street or driving a car. We promise, a vote for our party is a vote for a bullet to each and every American face.” Gruters also touted a national ad campaign that would feature hours of real-life footage highlighting the Republican Party’s long-standing commitment to violence and degradation.
MEDICINE HAT, AB – With the announcement that Canada has officially lost its measles elimination status, Canadians have begun taking sides on which other formerly endemic diseases they want to see establish themselves next in the country. Supporters for Bubonic Plague have been sharing their thoughts about the disease across social media with the hashtag: […]
CALGARY – According to sources embedded in downtown barbershop Close Shave, Dennis Elrich is worried his cut hasn’t gone as planned after he spotted a big, sloppy chunk of his right ear hit the floor. “I never know how to describe what I want, so I brought Omar a reference photo to avoid this exact […]
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