Cowboy Who?

A reader writes:

I am a volunteer for a nonprofit where I help coordinate volunteers for big living history events. At these very popular events, skilled volunteers sign up to be a person from history and portray the historic hierarchy of race, gender, and class for visitors.

I have known for several years that one volunteer (we are both gay) is interested in experiencing the master/servant dynamic as a servant to a male master because of his interest in BDSM as well as history (he divulged this to me privately). He behaves appropriately with volunteers and visitors at the historic sites where he portrays a servant, but on Facebook he makes a lot of “joking” comments on other people’s posts about wanting to serve men, be humiliated, be punished, etc. that I, knowing that he is not joking, find very uncomfortable to read.

Over the last six months, his comments on Facebook and in real life have reached a point where I don’t feel comfortable working with this volunteer when he is portraying a servant and I hesitate to partner him with a “master,” because I know he is involving me and other men in his sexual fantasies without our consent. I have also been in several discussions where other (straight) men have called his social media behavior “creepy” and “obvious.”

I have spoken to him about his social media behavior several times, suggesting that he dial it back, and he has always responded by saying that he is joking and I am misconstruing his actions.

My question is, since this person is behaving appropriately when actually at historic sites, particularly the one I volunteer for as a coordinator, do I need to let this go and pretend I don’t know that he’s getting his jollies off?

Nooooo.

If he is involving other people in his sexual fantasies without their consent, that’s a hard no. And he’s looking to you to facilitate it for him, which is another hard no.

He’s welcome to explore his sexual interests, but he’s not welcome to do it with unsuspecting or unconsenting other people, and now that your organization (in the form of you, their rep) knows he’s using their events to do it, they’ve got to put a stop to it.

Also, it’s not clear to me if the other men who have called his social media posts creepy are fellow volunteers, but if they are, that’s a further imperative to intervene.

Look at it this way: If I’m a doctor and I behave impeccably during patient appointments but then make a bunch of sexualized Facebook posts about doctor/patient role-play … that’s very much my employer’s business (and my patients’!) and people would rightfully be disgusted and want to shut that down.

If the organization has paid staff, you should let them know what’s going on and that you plan to stop scheduling this guy for events and why. They’re going to agree with with you, and might even want to handle it themselves so you (a volunteer) don’t have to.

If they don’t have paid staff and this is on you to deal with, you’re on very solid ground in saying to him, “With the information you’ve shared with me, and with what I’ve seen on social media, I’m not able to continue scheduling you for these roles.” You could point out that you’ve talked with him about his social media behavior in the past, which gave him fair warning, but it’s continued and you can’t in good conscience continue pairing him with other volunteers.

He’s not entitled to get to continue to volunteer, or entitled to continue to be given unsuspecting partners. You’re uncomfortable, other people are creeped out, he seems to be deriving something sexual from this — you can and should shut it down.

my volunteer is into BDSM and wants to be a servant at our living history events was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’ve been accidentally dating my new boss’ husband, and I don’t know what to do.

I landed my dream job at my dream company. My boss is usually supportive and competent. My only issue is that she’s made some homophobic comments (I’m a gay man), but this is a conservative area and I’m not out at work It’s not a big deal for me personally because I’ve dealt with this kind of comments at every job I’ve ever had and honestly, she’s not as bad as many of the people I’ve dealt with.

I also recently started a relationship with a guy. We were keeping it quiet because I’m not out and he told me he isn’t either, but I really liked him and he was smart and funny and everything I’m into. It wasn’t just sex; we were dating for six weeks.

I might have gone on like this for some time, except there was a work party to which it was okay to bring a plus one, and my boss brought her husband, who turned out to be the man I was dating. Needless to say I broke it off with him ASAP, but I’m not sure if I should tell my boss. On the one hand, it’s going to look very bad (compounded by me being gay, and I don’t know that I’d be comfortable outing him) if I confess now, but on the other hand, if she finds out later the fall-out might be even worse.

I feel like I’m not thinking clearly because I’m still very pissed at him but still not over him, and I don’t know what to do. Help me, please?

Oh noooo. What an awful situation — and not one of your making at all.

So much of this hinges on whether she knows her husband dates men. Given her homophobic comments, I’m guessing she doesn’t know he’s gay or bisexual and this isn’t a situation where he has her blessing to date men on the side. Which means that he probably didn’t go home from that work party and announce, “Guess what, funny coincidence…”

And if those assumptions are correct — she doesn’t know he’s interested in men and she doesn’t know he sees other people — then I’d guess that the chances of her hearing about this from him are pretty low. That’s a huge assumption, obviously, and it doesn’t mean it won’t come out in the future, especially if he decides to come out to her at some point and wants to come clean about everything.

On the other hand, if you tell her now, you’re not only outing her husband, but there’s the risk she’ll have a spectacularly bad reaction.

Or not! Who knows, maybe she’d be remarkably mature about it, thank you for telling her, and go on working well with you for years to come. Maybe she’d be logical enough to see that you didn’t do anything wrong here, and there’s nothing for her to hold against you.

But a lot of people don’t respond that way.

There’s no good answer here! It’s a really horrible situation. You’re left having to weigh the risk of her having a bad reaction now (which could be fairly high) against the risk of her finding out later (which might be fairly low).

If she does find out later, I don’t think you’ll have made things significantly worse by not speaking up now (especially since you did break things off once you knew). If it’s going to be a crapshow if she finds out, that’s likely the case whether it’s now or later. So that might point you toward saying nothing, figuring their marriage is none of your business, and trying to wipe it from your mind … which has the additional benefit of not outing someone who may not be out.

I think my advice would be basically the same if you were a woman who had inadvertently dated her boss’s husband, although in that situation I’d be more inclined to think about you seeking protection from your company (by telling someone what happened and your fears of repercussions). I’m less inclined to suggest that here because you don’t have the same federal protections (and in some states could even be fired for being gay) and it sounds like you might be in a fairly homophobic area.

I hate to say it, but the best thing you can do here is to find a way to stop working for her. Is your company large enough that changing jobs internally is a possibility? If so, that’s where I’d focus — that would give you some protection and peace of mind that none of the other options do.

I’ve been accidentally dating my boss’s husband was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

Catnip
Selecting and Training Your Cat
Unkelbach
1970

This title came out of a juvenile collection. I would weed this in a heartbeat as the book is probably too old to have reliable information. That said, it has been my professional experience that book on kittens and puppies need great pictures of kittens and puppies. I’m going to go further and say that no book about kittens should be published without an acceptable ratio of text to pictures of kittens. This book doesn’t come anywhere near acceptable. Heck, even the illustrations aren’t that special, although shout out for the last illustration showing a cat on a leash. I’m not sure getting a photo of a cat on a leash is even possible.

Mary

The post Cat training for the kids appeared first on Awful Library Books.

Computer Typing Made Simple
Hutchinson and Hutchinson
1985

I will say, in my professional opinion, computer typing is not that different from regular typing. I can say that the exercises and drills, look very similar to my high school typing book. Other than function keys and some other small differences, I am not sure what makes this book specifically computer typing.

When I started teaching computer classes for my library, it was obvious who learned from a typing class. The enter key or what used to be called the return, was used at the end of a row, unlike the computer enter key that was used after a paragraph. I also had to break myself of the habit of 2 spaces after the sentence, since this was a hard rule in typing class.

This book isn’t much help for modern students. Typewriters were still the king in the mid 1980s, in most offices. It wasn’t until the mid 1990s that computers were the default office equipment. As late as 2005, my library was still using a typewriter for spine labels.

Mary

The post Old School Typing appeared first on Awful Library Books.

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I'm informed in the US it's tiny horsies, not tiny ponies. This needs to change.

It's distortionary. It's regressive. And right now it only benefits a sliver of taxpayers and nonprofits. It's time to talk about the charitable deduction.

(Image credit: Pixabay)

Paramount's original trailer for the upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog movie was... really something, wasn't it? The under-stylized body, the odd soundtrack choice, the teeth. Such was the Sonic fandom's collective horror that director Jeff Fowler swiftly announced the movie would be put on pause until the studio got the design right. Now, they think they've nailed it.

The new trailer -- which has received an outpouring of relieved gratitude from fans -- features an altogether less unsettling Sonic, with a properly-styled body, friendlier eyes and an absolutely normal mouth. The trailer is crammed full of highlights, showcasing what the movie has in store, and -- crucially -- it uses the OG Sonic music. If it's Paramount's attempt at an apology, then all is forgiven. The movie arrives in theaters on February 14th next year.

Source: Paramount Pictures [Twitter]

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This is how he has learned to love his commute.