Cowboy Who?

Toy Boy by Dan Savage

I’m positive you’ve written something about this in the past. I have searched your archives but have only managed to find people arguing in the comments about this topic when what I want is your advice. My sixteen-year-old son is stealing our sex toys. My son took my husband's handheld toy a several months ago. I found it where it shouldn't have been and let my husband know. He talked to our son and told him these are personal items, like a toothbrush, and that he needed to stop taking them. A few weeks ago I noticed my dildo was missing. I thought I had misplaced it or that my husband hid it somewhere. As it turns out, our son took it. We talked with him again and stressed that these are personal items and not something to be shared. I want to get him his own toy so he stops taking ours. My husband is squicked out about it and I agree it's weird to have your parents buy a toy for you but he clearly wants one. I don't want to pick it out. I want to give him a prepaid gift card and have him pick out what he wants from the website a reputable shop. Is there a better way to handle this?

Mama In Houston

Teenagers. Going into their rooms for even a second—even just to leave clean and folded laundry on their beds—is an unforgiveable invasion of their privacy, a world-historical crime on a par with the Nazi invasion of Poland, an atrocity that should land mom and dad in a cell in the Hague. But that same kid will tear their parents' bedroom apart looking for mom and dad's sex toys, any cash mom and dad have at home, mom and dad's secret stash of pot, etc. Because while they're entitled to absolute privacy, mom and dad—or dad and dad or mom and mom—aren't entitled to any privacy at all. (And your son may never forgive you for the embarrassment you caused him when you asked him not to steal—and not to use—your dildo.)

How do you handle this?

You could forbid him to go into your bedroom. You could even put a lock on your bedroom door. But you'll forget to lock it one day or one day he'll learn to pick the lock and before you know it he'll be back in your bedroom picking through your sex toys.

You could run out the clock. Your son is 16 years old and he'll hopefully be out of the house in less time than it took to get him out of diapers. Twenty-four short months, hundreds of millions of COVID vaccinations, and a few college applications are all that stand between you and having your house all to yourselves again. At that point you and your husband won't have to worry about your son stealing your sex toys—hell, at that point you can make a lovely centerpiece out of them for the dining room table. But while running out the clock allows you to avoid some squickiness, you're still gonna have to worry about him swiping your sex toys or—even worse—swiping one, using it, and then putting it back without cleaning it properly. Most sixteen-year-old boys can't clean themselves properly; the odds that your son is capable of sterilizing your dildo after using it on himself are very, very low. (The odds that your son can make you wanna jump in a time machine and go back seventeen years and sterilize yourself? Very, very high.)

You could buy him some sex toys. I think this is the best option. Get your son a gift card that he can blow on some toys for himself at a reputable sex toy shop. Or you could pick out a few for him—you already have a pretty good handle on the type of sex toys he finds appealing—and leave those toys for him on his bed next to his clean and folded laundry. Having a few sex toys of his own won't necessarily stop him from tearing your bedroom apart—there's still your pot and cash to find—but it will make him less likely to tear your bedroom apart looking for sex toys.

---

A few weeks ago in your column, you were responding to a guy who was unsure about his relationship because his boyfriend's kinks didn't match up with his own. You said that kinks are "hard-wired" and that, for someone who has them, acting on their kinks is necessary for them to have a fulfilling sex life. Wow. That leapt off the page at me. This is something I've struggled with most of my life and that made things so crystal clear. From the time I was first sexually aware, I knew I was gay and that I was attracted to BDSM. I am five years out of a twenty-year relationship. My partner and I dabbled in BDSM but I never felt like he was really into it. He was just doing it for me. When I asked what I could do for him, he'd always say "nothing." That made it even more disappointing. The relationship didn't end over his stuff, but I regret sticking with it, and an unfulfilling sex life, for so long. The kink stuff started so early for me. Hard-wired doesn't even begin to describe it. Pre-puberty I was fascinated when I saw guys getting tied up on TV, in comics, and in movies. But now here I am, single and 63 years old. I haven't dated anyone since my relationship ended. I don't want to date purely vanilla people or people with kinks that aren't compatible with mine. I'm just not sure what to do. Any advice?

I've No Clever Acronym

In the column where I described kinks as hard-wired—which they are for most people, INCA, although some folks do manage to acquire them—I didn't advise kinky people to date only other kinky people. So long as a kinky person isn't 1. being shamed and 2. is allowed to enjoy their kinks with others who share them, a mixed kink/vanilla relationship can work. So don't limit yourself to dating only guys who are into BDSM. Date vanilla guys you meet through mainstream dating apps but be open about your kinks from the start and be clear about your intent to enjoy your kinks with guys who share them. And date kinky guys you meet on kink dating apps—there are plenty of guys your age on Recon, the biggest personals site for kinky gay and bi men, and guys of all ages who are into guys your age. Good luck.

---

Gay boy here with a new boyfriend. We've been together for almost two months and I TOLD HIM that I want an open relationship but I AM NOT comfortable with him dating other men. I MADE THAT CLEAR. A week ago he oh-so-casually drops that he's been meeting up with a guy for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS! I told him he had to STOP this but my he REFUSES to stop it. He says they aren't "dating" so he didn't betray me. I looked at their text messages—GOING BACK YEARS—and this guy will send him a message once every few months and my boyfriend hurries over to his house to blow him. My boyfriend thinks it shouldn't matter that he's "servicing" this one other person since we both fuck around. My problem is the "ONE OTHER PERSON" part of the equation! I am NOT interested in monogamy but I am STRONGLY opposed to MY BOYFRIEND having an ONGOING THING with another man! If our ages matter: I am in my mid-twenties and VGL, my boyfriend is in his mid-thirties and VGL, and this guy is in his LATE forties and TOTALLY AVERAGE LOOKING. I do not see why my boyfriend won't GIVE UP this man for me.

Really Angry Guy Into No Games

I can almost see why your boyfriend wouldn't want to give up this guy for you, RAGING. I mean, if I squint I can almost make it out…

Look, your boyfriend has been servicing this guy for almost a decade. If they wanted to date, they'd be dating. If they wanted to be together, they'd be together. And if you force your boyfriend to choose between the DEMANDING INSECURE ALL CAPS BOY he's known for a little less than two months—that would be you—and the guy he's been servicing for a little less than a decade, you're going to lose. If you wanna be with your VGL boyfriend, RAGING, offer to grandfather the average guy in, i.e. agree to him continuing to service this impossibly old fart on the condition that your boyfriend doesn't add any new "regulars" to his rotation. But the off chance your boyfriend also reads my column: OMG, DUDE, RUN.

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mail@savagelove.net

Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage

Listen to this week's Savage Lovecast at www.savagelovecast.com

The Arctic front has pushed all the way off the coast and temperatures this morning are in the 30s and 40s. Welcome to your new reality, Houston. It’s possible the region won’t see temperatures in the 60s again for a week to 10 days, and there will be plenty of freezing weather in between. Our biggest concerns remain focused on next Monday—when roads could turn icy across much of the region—and Tuesday morning when lows could drop into the teens.

Thursday

Today will be rather grim, in terms of weather, with widespread showers and highs only reaching into the mid-40s. Most areas will likely see on the order of 0.5 to 1.0 inch of rain or so today and tonight, with higher amounts definitely possible underneath heavier showers. Lows tonight will get into the upper 30s, but stay above freezing and therefore keep roadways wet rather than slick in the metro area.

Friday

I think we’ll continue to see the potential for light rain on Friday, although the showers will not be as widespread as on Thursday. When it’s not raining, skies will be gray, and temperatures should again peak in the low 40s.

Saturday

The region should see a break in precipitation from Friday night into Saturday. Perhaps we’ll even get a peek at the Sun? Anyway, it won’t matter much as highs should remain confined to the mid- to upper 40s. Some slight rain chances may return later in the day or during the evening as an upper-level system approaches from the west. For now, low temperatures Saturday night will probably remain just above freezing in most of Houston, but inland areas may well see their first (of several) freezes during the coming stretch.

Sunday

Sunday will be another cold, gray day for the region. The models seem a little more bullish on some light rain falling, so lets call it 30 percent during the daytime. (It’s possible that some areas north of Conroe may see this falling as snow or freezing rain). Highs will be in the 40s, and as additional cold air starts moving into the region temperatures on Sunday night should drop into the 20s—mid- to upper-20s, maybe?—in the city of Houston, with colder conditions inland. The immediate coast may still avoid a freeze. We’ll see.

Monday

The outlook for Monday, which surely will change further so please bear that in mind, now looks to bring widespread, mostly light precipitation into the region from around sunrise to sunset. Because temperatures will be in the vicinity of freezing for much of the day, this raises the important question of whether this falls as cold rain, freezing rain, sleet, snow, or all of the above. At this point I’m reasonably confident that areas north of Interstate 10 will be cold enough on Monday, during the day time, to see some sort of wintry precipitation. I think the jury is still out on areas closer to the coast. But again, this day has the potential to be a real mess for traveling through the region, so be preparing for that possibility now.

Tuesday

We now think the precipitation will end sometime on Monday evening, or so, and this may allow for some clearing skies overnight and into Tuesday morning. (Will this allow roads to dry by Tuesday morning? It’s difficult to say). Regardless, the absence of insulating clouds will create ideal conditions for cooling with this very cold air mass. The region is virtually certain to see a hard freeze on Monday night and Tuesday morning, with lows potentially from 10 to 25 degrees in the city of Houston. This will wreak havoc with exposed exterior pipes and vegetation, and animals must not be left unprotected in these kinds of conditions. Check on neighbors to make sure their heat is working. Sunshine should allow temperatures to recover into the mid- to upper-30s on Tuesday. Lows Tuesday night will again flirt with freezing levels.

Wednesday and beyond

Forecast models indicate yet another reinforcing front moving into Houston on next Thursday or so that may again lead to a widespread freeze and raises the potential for some more wintry precipitation. I have zero confidence in trying to forecast that period. By next weekend we should finally be headed back toward days in the 60s and nights in the 40s, and this will all behind us. Spring, after all, isn’t too far away. But it’s not coming today!

Matt and I will, of course, be with you for the duration of this event.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
This isn't a clever addendum, but I'm really happy with the way the little pebbles imply motion without the need for whoosh-lines.

Today's News:

It's yellow!

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A Hammer in the City
LaGuardia
1962

Submitter: I call this a preemptive weed. It was dropped off in our return box as a donation. Old, yellowed, and the spine is hanging by a thread. I know people mean well, but recycling is good too!

Holly: Whyyyy don’t people just throw this stuff in the recycle bin and let it go?? Is it laziness or do they truly think the library wants it? These are probably the same people who are turned off by other library materials that are in bad shape. You know the ones – a page is dogeared and they are incensed and want to be sure they aren’t blamed for it. This thing looks so brittle that it will spontaneously combust when “I didn’t dogear it” patron blows their cigarette smoke into it while reading.

The post LaGuardia for President appeared first on Awful Library Books.

Last September, in the days following Hurricane Laura, Arnold Ventures reached out to Space City Weather and asked if they could help broaden our reach in the Houston community. Now, thanks to their $25,000 gift, I’m excited to say we’ve been able to move into development of a Space City Weather app. I’ve asked my former colleague at the Houston Chronicle, tech guru Dwight Silverman, to lead this effort. He explains more in today’s post.

Almost immediately after Space City Weather’s launch more than five years ago, readers began asking: When are you going to have an app?

Finally, the answer to that question is: Soon.

Last week, Eric signed an agreement with Hussain Abbasi to develop an app for both iOS and Android devices. Our goal is to have it ready in time for this year’s hurricane season—though since tropical weather happens well before the official June 1 start, we’d like to have it in the app stores before then. And thanks to this gift, the site’s ongoing sponsorship with Reliant, and our generous readers, it will be free for everyone, with no in-app purchases.

I am honored that Eric asked me to shepherd the development, working closely with Hussain and SCW’s technical wizard, Lee Hutchinson. I provided feedback during the development of apps at the Houston Chronicle during my time there, so I’m familiar with the process. Being able to serve this site’s community is exciting, because I feel the same way about Space City Weather as a lot of you: It’s an important asset for the city and the region.

The app we’re building will feature Eric and Matt’s blog posts, local weather info, timely alerts, and many of the things you’d expect—with a distinctly local twist. We are not trying to duplicate the many other meteorological apps out there, because if you’re seriously interested in weather, you probably already have one or more on your phone.

Let’s put it this way: For residents of the greater Houston area, it’ll be a must-have. If you live in, say, Minneapolis . . . not so much!

We’ll share more as the development process evolves. Watch this space. And the skies, of course.

WHO: Presidio County attorney Rod Ponton WHAT: Technical difficulties during a legal hearing on Zoom. WHY IT’S SO GREAT: It’s safe to say that we’re all suffering from Zoom fatigue. Video meetings, which at first seemed like an innovative way to connect, have long since become a chore. As you log on to your zillionth virtual check-in, you might wonder which of your colleagues will forget to unmute, how many people will awkwardly talk over one another, and whose face will freeze when the Wi-Fi falters. Plus, just how many of those who’ve turned off their video are still paying attention, if they’re even in the room? It can all be a bit tiring, which is why rare, small moments of levity are the best…View Original Post

The post The Best Thing in Texas: “I’m Not a Cat,” Says West Texas Attorney Who Accidentally Applied Zoom Filter appeared first on Texas Monthly.

Betty Crocker’s Hostess Cookbook
General Mills
1973

I know that COVID-19 puts a damper on any kind of entertaining, but just in case you are preparing for that day when we are all healthy, Betty Crocker has you covered. This book truly has some retro recipes I am sure you can’t wait to get started. A couple of my favorites: Olive Surprise Roast, Jellied Watercress Soup, Tomato Aspic Mold, the list just goes on and on.

Bonus! Just in time for Valentine’s Day, you can feast on all things pink. Your loved one will surely appreciate the effort.

These cookbooks are a ton of fun and probably will sell well in a book sale for those into retro cooking and fashion. I get the feeling that to achieve “perfect woman” status, one had to be able to do a dinner party of the first order. I am going to guess that ordering a pizza and handing everyone a beer wouldn’t qualify.

Happy Entertaining!

Mary

The post Hostess Helps and Recipes appeared first on Awful Library Books.

New Yorker writer Elizabeth Kolbert talks about the ways humans have harmed the natural world — and the unintended consequences of efforts to reverse the damage. Her new book is Under a White Sky.

This post, when I asked for a raise, my boss went through my bills , was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’ve been in my job for a little over a year. I asked my boss for a raise, and he asked if I really need it. It stumped me, seeing how I am barely getting by. I said yes. He went over my bills, and at the end he said, “You’ll have $4,000 at the end of the year saved up so no.” That $4,000 is just after bills, not having fun or stuff that needs to be done.

I talked to some other people who have been here for a while. One was here for seven years and hasn’t once got a raise. The other has been here a lot longer and does most of the stuff around here and if she left the company would fail. She said that she too asked for a raise a couple of months ago, and our boss went through her bills and said no.

I’m just kinda just over it, if you know what I mean. You put your best effort into something, make it nice, no complaints for the whole year and lots of compliments from customers, but it all comes down to “if I need it,” which I do.

WHY IS YOUR BOSS GOING THROUGH YOUR BILLS?

I am in no way blaming you for what happened because you clearly work for a madman, but how has it come about that you and your coworkers are simply turning over details about your personal finances to your boss when he asks to comb through them?

This is not a normal thing that is done.

People don’t get paid based on their expenses. Your boss has no claim — zero, none — to ask to see your personal bills.

And what if your bills had shown that you had massive expenses? Would you have then received a correspondingly massive raise?

Part of me wants you to doctor up a bill showing tens of thousands of dollars in expenses and and see what happens. Obviously you shouldn’t really do that because it’s fraud, but would he then pay you more? (He wouldn’t. He’d instead give you a bunch of unsolicited and inappropriate budgeting advice.)

Raises aren’t supposed to be about your personal expenses. They’re supposed to be about paying you fairly because your contributions have increased, or the cost of living has gone up, or to keep you at market rate, or because the company wants to make sure it retains you.

Ideally when your boss asked to see your bills, you would have said, “I’m not asking for a raise based on my expenses. I’m asking for a raise because my contributions to the company have increased since we last set my salary — for example, A, B, and C. I’m hoping we can increase my salary to a level that reflects this new work.”

But this is a man who’s apparently used to asking for and receiving his employees’ bills, so I don’t know if that would have gotten you anywhere. You can still give it a try by using that language now. But you’re working for someone who’s incredibly out of touch with how business works … and, as so often happens when that’s the case, it sounds like he’s warping your and your coworkers’ sense of norms too, and leading y’all to accept as normal and okay things that are very much not normal or okay.

When you can get out, get out.

This is my machine, dammit, and now that I’ve finally built it, I’m going to make a tweak that will have unquestionably positive effects on my life’s trajectory.

Don’t be mad at me. I really did intend to kill baby Hitler when I was building this device, but the collectors just would not stop calling. Despite the lucrative job I have as a literal time-machine-maker — the only one in the world with this knowledge — I still can’t make a dent in these student loans. And Navient calls me every fricking day.

What makes matters even worse is that I’m really good with numbers. They’re kind of my thing. So trust me when I say that I’ve run every calculation under the sun to find a way to pay these student loans off.

Unfortunately, it all comes back to just one solution: the only way I’ll ever get out of my student loans is to use a time machine to kill myself before I can ever sign up.

That’s not to say that baby Hitler shouldn’t be killed. Or stopped, at least.

I do wonder if there are alternate methods or points of his life we could drop in on and make little tweaks. Without the whole straight-up murdering a baby angle?

Maybe we pop in before he goes with that mustache choice? Give him a little shrug. A lightly audible “eh” just to let him know we’re not crazy about it. Who knows, we could even try to catch him before he gets really into meth. I’m not sure. That’s for whoever goes in after me to figure out.

Also, could the folks hanging out at the base of Vesuvius use a little heads up that shit is about to get wild for them? Sure. But that lava blanket has nothing on these interest rates.

It’s killing me not to hop in here and go kick Mark David Chapman in the dick on the Upper West Side. But there’s something equally cruel about listening to John Lennon’s incredible new single from 2021 as I log in to the student loan portal for my monthly flogging.

Sure, these six-figure (and growing) loans are the reason I could pursue an English degree. And the reason I was lucky enough to have $5000 worth of textbooks I just bought from the campus store fall on my head and put me into a coma for ten years where I’d emerge with the secret to time travel, but I’m not sure it was even worth it anymore.

Of course, I’ve spent countless nights staring at my creation. Imagining how cool it would be to stroll down a town in the Wild West. Kick open a saloon door and strut in. Slap a coin on the table for a shot of whiskey.

But you know what is even better and far more outlandish for me to imagine? Money. Like, having it and all of that stuff. Just kind of having even some of it after I’ve given away over half of my monthly income away to student loans.

Hell, if I get this job done, I won’t even ever have known what this experience even feels like to begin with.

Now that is what time travel was built for.

I’ve loaded up my gear and closed the hatch. It’s almost go time. The guys sending me away think that when they press the button, I’ll be off to 19th-century Austria. But they have no clue that I’ve actually rewired it to send me to a small rental home in lower-middle-class America around the same time that Hogan Knows Best was hitting televisions.

In their minds, I’m about to follow the plan. The one we’ve worked on for years. Bust in, grab lil’ baby Hitler, and toss him into der mülleimer.

Too bad, where I’m going, there won’t be any baby Hitler in sight. Just a stoned kid sitting beneath a 311 poster, pen in hand, about to hurriedly sign away the rest of his life so he can pull the DiGiorno out of the oven before it burns.

And I’m going to stop that little bastard before he can ruin both of our lives forever.

Michelle Obama announced Tuesday that she’ll debut a new Netflix kids’ show on March 16 called Waffles + Mochi. The show will combine live action with puppets, and centers around the two titular friends who leave the Land of Frozen Food for a job in a “whimsical supermarket” owned by Obama where they’ll embark upon […]

A constitutional law professor whose work is cited extensively by Trump lawyers in their impeachment defense brief says his work has been seriously misrepresented.

(Image credit: Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images)

The Supremes was Motown's most successful group in the 1960s, reaching 12 number one hits.

(Image credit: MARK RALSTON/AFP via Getty Images)

Buc-ee’s! Home of the interstate highway system’s most gleaming bathrooms! Buc-ee’s! The birthplace of Beaver Nuggets snacks, home to an incredible array of jerkies, land of infinite fruit snacks! Buc-ee’s! The mischievous beaver mascot, taunting motorists from billboards with come-ons like “Only 262 Miles to Buc-ee’s. You Can Hold It.” It is a Texas icon, a brand to which many in the Lone Star State feel a fierce attachment, a beloved intermediary between our state’s far-flung destinations. Buc-ee’s! Also: a place some outside Texas—and even some here—would apparently prefer not to have as a neighbor. Over the past several months, the chain has been embroiled in a battle with residents of the North Carolina community of Efland, about 25 minutes west of the college town…View Original Post

The post The Buc-ee’s Stops Here: Why the Iconic Chain Is Facing a Backlash East of the Sabine appeared first on Texas Monthly.

My best friend is a gem!

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Unfortunately, the definition of celestial body, though ambiguous under International Law conventions, does probably require the pretty girl at a bar to be above the Karman Line.

Today's News:

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic

New comic!
Today's News:

Hello and welcome to a day in the life one year deep into my global pandemic bunker! No can stop me from staying at the office too late if the office is where I live!!

bad news: i've been drinking more.

Wales overcome 14-man Ireland to win a tense 2021 Six Nations opener in Cardiff.

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic

“Disrupt Texts is a crowd-sourced, grassroots effort by teachers for teachers to challenge the traditional canon in order to create a more inclusive, representative, and equitable language arts curriculum that our students deserve.”
– #DisruptTexts co-founders Tricia Ebarvia, Lorena Germán, Dr. Kimberly N. Parker, and Julia Torres

“So you’re saying we should ban classics?”
– white people, mainly

1. Every student should have the life-altering experience of reading Moby-Dick CliffsNotes.

2. If we don’t teach classics, kids will only want to read graphic novels about pansexual witches.

3. “Inclusive” means white men too, up to the last 8%!

4. Frankly, “Orwellian” sounds better than “Atwoodian” or “E. Butlerian.”

5. Are you saying we should ban James Baldwin and… the other guy?

6. Hawthorne was an OG feminist, the only bro not cool with slut-shaming! Fuckin’ A!

7. Without classics, how will we celebrate how far white men have progressed in how they portray Black women?

8. On the contrary, some of my best friends have read books by queer intersectional authors!

9. It’s not exclusion per se, it’s just that very few BIPOC writers had access to a quill.

10. I don’t see color, I just see the greatest thinkers of our time — who happen to be white through no fault of their own.

11. Classics are timeless! Friend-zoning is just as psychologically damaging now as it was when The Great Gatsby was written.

12. Without classics, how will we learn the rich linguistic history of ways to call women whores?

13. Contemporary books are too depressing. Bloodbaths in the final act are my jam.

14. How about if we just interrupt texts with a few poems by rumored lesbians?

15. Without classics, how will we appreciate how emotionally complex heterosexual men can be when they don’t have wars to fight or marlins to catch?

16. Would it sway you to know that there is compelling evidence that Shakespeare spooned with a dude?

17. Lord of the Flies will help us teach students about the insurrection and white supremacy on the DL so no one gets fired.

18. #NotAllGods

19. Without classics, how will we guide future global citizens in developing white savior complexes?

20. Some texts are more equal than others.

21. This is Man vs. Silencing of Man!

22. Pre-order my collection of essays, Ishmael is Calling: Why Classics Matter Now More Than Ever!