Cowboy Who?

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Well howdy-do Cowboy Slim! And howdy to all the little partners at home! Ooo-weee we sure are excited because of course as you know little partners at home, we don't often get extra special guest down at the corral. And well, this ones not quite a cowboy, but still he's pretty good! #CowboyWho

In brief: In today’s post I share a few words of appreciation for Matt Lanza, my long-time partner here. As for the forecast, we have a very welcome return of rain chances after three weeks, and the latest on the timing of a front just before Easter Sunday.

Matt heads north

You probably saw the news yesterday that Matt’s family is moving from Houston to Connecticut, and I fully support his decision and the reasons he articulated for doing so. Houston does have a fraught relationship with extreme weather—I’ve lived here for 30 years and some of these experiences helped formulate my career. Matt is a critical part of what we do here. Almost from the beginning of Space City Weather he has been an integral part of building this site, helping to set its editorial tone, and playing an important role in the forecasts we hit, and our occasional misses. In a world that can be callous, he is kind, thoughtful, and compassionate. I’m thrilled he will continue to be involved here. As for me, the majority of my family lives here in the Houston area, my kids are here, and perhaps one day so will my grandkids. I cannot imagine leaving them, so you’re stuck with me.

Tuesday

Today is probably our final day with mostly sunny skies for most of the day. This will allow high temperatures to reach the mid-80s for most of the area, with a warm southerly flow at the surface. Winds may gust up to 20 mph, or a touch higher, this afternoon. Hopefully this will help bring down some of the final tree pollen. We’ve got to be nearing the end of that season, right? We may also see some scattered, very light showers today but anything that reaches the surface will be very light. Lows tonight will only drop to about 70 degrees, very warm for this time of year.

Wednesday and Thursday

These will be warm days, with highs likely in the range of the mid-80s and plenty of humidity. However, instead of mostly sunny skies we will see more clouds, and along with that higher rain chances. Odds are better north of Interstate 10, as a front supporting rain showers will be stalling out north of the metro area. Still, everyone has a decent shot of rain on both days, and I expect accumulations of roughly a tenth of an inch to a few tenths of an inch. Some pockets of heavier rainfall are possible, so I wouldn’t rule out a few bullseyes of 1 inch or more. We’ll keep an eye on things. Overnight lows remain very sultry for this time of year, perhaps only falling into the low 70s.

Friday

Rain chances will fall back to 10 or 20 percent on Friday, but skies should remain mostly cloudy. Expect highs in the mid-80s with another warm night.

Saturday and Sunday

Temperature wise, Saturday will start out like the rest of the week, warm and muggy. Light showers will be possible during the first part of the day. The timing of the front is still a little bit uncertain, but at this point I anticipate the best chance for showers (along with the potnetial for thunderstorms and heavy rainfall) will come between Saturday afternoon and early Sunday morning. In terms of accumulations I’ll guess most locations pick up an additional 0.5 to 1.5 inches of rainfall, but this forecast is still evolving.

At some point on Saturday evening, or perhaps around midnight, drier and cooler air will begin flowing in from the north. Temperautres by Easter Sunday morning probably will be in the upper 50s, with a moderate northerly breeze. Highs on Sunday should be in the vicinity of 70 degrees, but let’s wait an see. The biggest question is rain showers. I do think there will be some lingering activity on Sunday morning, but I’m hopeful this will clear out during the afternoon hours. Skies will remain cloudy regardless. Lows on Sunday night could drop to around 50 degrees outside of Houston, with slightly warmer conditions in the city.

Next week

Sunshine returns next week, and we should see some lovely spring-time weather. Look for days in the 70s through Wednesday, probably, with nights in the 50s. Humidity should remain pleasantly low through Wednesday or Thursday, so again, some very nice weather to look forward to!

Oh boy, here comes that evil asthmatic.

Oh, so the Beast pilots in in his own Piper Cub.

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You also have chickenbutt, but honestly it's the least of your worries.

Hey, it’s Mark—your therapist’s therapist. I’m sure you’re really looking forward to your appointment with Joan this week, and I wouldn’t normally do this… but I think you should probably start considering other providers.

I’m not telling you to abandon ship. Just, you know, maybe keep your options open. Because—and I hate to be the one to tell you this—Joan is not Doing Well.

I know she seems composed—the very picture of emotional stability and grace. But trust me, thirty seconds before your session, she was lying face down on the floor after DM’ing her high school boyfriend’s mom on Instagram to ask if he’d cheated on her in the eleventh grade.

Homegirl is going through it.

Look, most of us get into therapy because we want to help people. What we don’t put on the brochure is the subconscious motivation: If I learn enough about other people’s feelings, surely MINE will sort themselves out, right? It’s a bold strategy. We are still workshopping it. Joan is not helping.

I’d love to say that she’s just had a rough week.

It has not been just a rough week.

Buddy, she’s been dumped three times in the last four months—twice by amateur magicians. She got two hours of sleep last night and asked ChatGPT for “grounding techniques” when you got up to go to the bathroom. That Zoom session you had? She hit a new high score on Candy Crush. It was the highlight of her week, which should give you a sense of where the bar currently is.

To be clear: I’m sure Joan cares about you very much. She wants to help with everything you’ve got going on right now. But she’s also just a person. An earnest, sincerely empathetic, emotional dumpster fire of a person.

She has assured me multiple times that she’s fine. Not, like, fine fine. But like… she can locate her shoes most days, and you’ve got to celebrate the little things.

And honestly, who are we to judge? Who is doing well these days? I know you’re certainly not (she’s told me all about that stuff with your mom…which is another reason you might want to consider other options). Then again, do you have any idea how many professional guidelines I’m violating just by telling you this? You think I’m doing okay? Last week I asked my therapist point-blank if he was mad at me. Over email. Twice.

I’m starting to think that deciding to become a therapist should be viewed as a cry for help.

Anyway, no need to panic. Just consider this a friendly nudge to maybe have a backup therapist on file. Like a spare tire. Or an extra phone charger. Something you don’t need to think about until things get spicy.

That being said, she’s got a date with another magician this Friday, so sooner might be better than later…

WINNIPEG – Sources have confirmed that despite numerous reminders, texts, and assurances that she would be on time, local late friend Farra Vawn is, once again, late. “It’s no big deal, we knew she was going to be late,” said Vawn’s friend Brena Mcklin, as she and five other friends ordered their second round of […]

The post Report: Late friend late again appeared first on The Beaverton.

BetterHelp, ON – Dr. Shelley Roberts was shocked when her therapy client started talking about intimate details of her life when all she wanted was a light catch up.  “I just didn’t think it was that kind of hang,” said Dr. Roberts about the $300 appointment her client had made. “I feel recently I keep […]

The post Grieving woman trauma dumps to therapist who just wanted to catch up appeared first on The Beaverton.

LONDON—Pinching the bridge of his nose and releasing a long weary sigh after he opened a letter summoning him to BBC headquarters, British man Arthur Batts confirmed this week that he was desperately trying to get out of panel show duty. “For God’s sake, it seems like I was just on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and now they’re making me come back in to do Never Mind The Buzzcocks,” said Batts, adding that while he understood the civic importance of mandatory panel show duty, it was still a huge hassle to miss work just to share a dais with David Mitchell. “I don’t have any more droll observations about Keir Starmer for Sandi Toksvig over at QI, and I’ve been on Would I Lie To You? so many times that I can already tell you who’s lying. It’s James fucking Acaster. Maybe Channel 4 will get off my back for a while if I threaten to kill Alex Horne.” After failing to appear for taping, Batts was reportedly fined 1,000 pounds and sentenced to six weeks guest-hosting Have I Got News For You.

The post British Man Desperately Trying To Get Out Of Panel Show Duty appeared first on The Onion.

CLEVELAND—Saying the costs had begun to outweigh the benefits, administrators at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed Tuesday that they had decided to discontinue their use of a cancer-sniffing leopard in clinical settings. “Our ability to rapidly and accurately identify the disease has improved remarkably since we began using our detection leopard Fang in cancer screenings, but we have ultimately opted to phase out his services,” said hospital CEO Tomislav Mihaljevic, adding that “extensive” complaints from patients and families had forced the clinic’s doctors to return to more traditional methods of testing for cancer. “Fang, while unparalleled in his ability to root out malignant tumors, often resorted to deeply invasive maulings and eviscerations as part of his diagnostic process. His recent disembowelment of a 9-year-old leukemia patient was one of many incidents that led us rethink our procedures, even if in that case the resulting exposure of the patient’s organs did allow us to verify that her cancer had spread to her liver.” Mihaljevic went on to report that the hospital was similarly reconsidering its therapy piranha program.

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First Lady Melania Trump appeared with a humanoid robot during an AI education summit, claiming that mechanical educators like it will one day “provide a personalized experience, adaptive to the needs of each student.” What do you think?

“Teacher salaries aren’t enough to sustain human life anyway.”

Leonardo De Sica, Trampoline Packager

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“At least I’d have no guilt about pushing it in front of a shooter.”

Chase Bromfield, Systems Analyst

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“It will be no match for the robot slacker I’m working on.”

Genevieve McKay, Marinade Expert

The post Melania Trump Touts Robot Teachers appeared first on The Onion.

Last week, Disney+ reunited the stars of Hannah Montana for the first time since the series premiered two decades ago. Here are the biggest and most shocking revelations from the Hannah Montana 20th Anniversary Special.

Billy Ray Cyrus was paid in pull tabs.

Disney originally planned to make a “Hannah” for all 50 states.

Miley Cyrus originally auditioned for the role of the live studio audience.

The series was an allegory for Korean Reunification.

All of Cyrus’ speaking dialogue was lip-synched.

The famous Hannah Montana wig was made from pure asbestos.

Cyrus mined experiences from her own life in order to name the character “Miley.”

If the cast is 20 years older now, so are you.

This is really all some people have.

The post Biggest Revelations From The ‘Hannah Montana’ Reunion appeared first on The Onion.

A family looking for seashells in California discovered the partial remains of what has now been identified as a former banker who went missing in 1999, notifying authorities when they came across a long bone that contained surgical hardware. What do you think?

“That’d make a rad necklace.”

Bradley Snyder, Pea Sheller

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“If you hold them up to your ear you can hear screaming.”

Joelle Kimbrel, Lectern Installer

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“Leave only footprints, take only shinbones.”

Paul Rahmat, Unemployed

The post Family Looking For Seashells Finds Remains Of Missing Man appeared first on The Onion.

Someone is celebrating a birthday tomorrow—it's Gmail. The iconic email service debuted 22 years ago on April 1, forever altering what people expected from free email. But 22 years is a long time, and the username you chose when you finally got your hands on an invite in 2004 may not have stood the test of time. Starting today, Google will let US-based users ditch an old username without creating a new account.

Google started testing this option some months ago, both in the US and internationally. Today, the name change feature is rolling out widely in the US. You can check for the option on this account page to get started (you'll have to log in). Some of the accounts we've checked already have the option, but it could take a while for it to appear for everyone.

Over the years, many users have abandoned old Gmail addresses because the handle is too personal or their names have changed. Now, you don't have to abandon anything. When the option appears, you'll be able to change the username portion of your email (the part before @gmail) to anything you desire. However, Google says you can only change your address once every 12 months. The company hasn't explained why you're limited to one change per year, but it may be a measure to combat spam.

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#Kento #RoninWarriors

Smiling Tom!

In brief: Nothing about the site is changing, but Matt has a life update to share.

A couple things happened last Friday. First, it was announced that Houston is finally getting back the WNBA team it always deserved, as the Connecticut Sun will be relocating here in 2027. Friday was also the beginning of a transition for me, Matt, the managing editor of this website. I resigned from my position at CenterPoint Energy. Let’s just get this out of the way first: It was a privilege to work with and learn from so many people at that organization. I am grateful for the opportunity they gave me, especially as one of the voices who was critical of them in the aftermath of Hurricane Beryl.

I found the commitment there to continuous improvement refreshing. Every time I engaged with executives from the CEO on down at CenterPoint, the first question they would ask me is “do you have what you need?” I don’t think anyone in the area can fully comprehend how much work is being done across the region by CenterPoint, both in response to 2024’s disasters and in anticipation of the absolutely insane growth in power demand coming to Texas. And quite frankly, I got to build something really cool stuff that is built to last and will continue to help further their preparation and resiliency to disasters. I leave them in the more than capable hands of Lena Dziechowski, who is an absolute rock star of a meteorologist. I was incredibly lucky to work with her, and I wish her and CenterPoint absolutely nothing but success going forward.

Now, as they say, some personal news. “The only constant in life is change,” is a quote often misattributed to the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. Whoever said it, however, was correct. The world is in constant flux. It’s partially why I enjoy weather forecasting. Our lives are all full of change. I’ve been in Houston for almost 15 years now, half of which have included children, a process that in and of itself was full of challenges and changes in expectations. Job changes, some by choice, some not, living changes, health changes, and on and on. Now my family will be making another big change in the coming months, relocating from Houston to Connecticut. Houston gets the Sun (Comets), Connecticut gets us.

Obviously, this was not an easy decision, but in the interest of transparency to our readers, something we always do, I’ll share with you some reasons why. The first and foremost reason is family. My father will be turning 80 in a year and a half, and quite frankly, seeing him and my mom once a year has started to weigh on my conscience a bit. They still live in New Jersey and don’t exactly enjoy traveling, and with grandchildren in the mix now, it feels a bit unfair. A move closer will allow us to see each other more. We’ve been fortunate and blessed to have my wife’s parents relocate to the Houston area most of the time we’ve been here, and in many ways it also feels unfair to leave them. But they also travel a bit better, and we will be happy to return to visit Houston once or twice a year (except not in August or September, sorry).

And in that vein, another reason is that quite frankly, I do worry about our vulnerability here to hurricanes, and not just Beryl-type storms—much bigger storms. There’s a commitment all around toward building resiliency in our region and things are better now than they were 5 or 10 years ago. But I’ll be honest, the fact that the “Ike Dike” is still mainly a plan on paper nearly 20 years after Ike is a little troubling. Metaphorically, my concern for hurricanes is what keeps me up at night. I take this stuff seriously. It’s a passion, a hobby, and a job. After 15 years of this, I’m ready to tap the brakes a bit for my own sanity before this literally keeps me up at night. Sure, the odds in any given year are exceptionally low. But when this is what you do for a living and you know more than most people about storms, it doesn’t always feel that way. Also, our summers have been getting hotter here, which is going to continue as the climate changes. I can live with cold, even if it’s annoying (especially in March in New England), but 9 of our 15 hottest summers have occurred since 2009. Sprawl and urban heat island are certainly part of that, but so is a warming Gulf and climate change. Some people love the heat or can tolerate it, and that’s great. I can too, but within limits. 2023 was the most miserable summer I’ve ever experienced, and I’d rather not go through that again.

So what does that mean for the site? And for that matter The Eyewall? The answer is nothing. I am going to continue to be the primary producer of posts for The Eyewall. And I will continue to lend Eric a hand with SCW, posting regularly on Fridays and hopefully having the ability to do some extra-curricular stuff to help you understand Houston’s weather better. In fact, having me an hour ahead of Houston may even be a bit more advantageous to getting some stuff out sooner during bigger weather events or important forecasts. The idea is that you’ll notice nothing different.

To say we’ll miss Houston is an understatement. I outlined my weathery concerns above, but the reality is that the people here are amazing. The community here is amazing. The passion and pride is amazing. I love how Houston can be honest about some of its shortcomings but then the second some outsider tries to talk bad about it, we come at them with pitchforks. Do not mess with Houston. Houston is actually how people outside Texas envision Austin to be: It’s quirky, fun, it functions, it’s full of energy, literally and figuratively, and it’s woefully underrated outside of Texas. Sorry, ATX…HOU is cooler. It has the most amazing food of any place I’ve lived or visited. You can even find pizza here that more than meets the mark. I may be getting good pizza in Connecticut, but I will probably desperately miss the rest of the food available here. Did I think I’d live in Houston when I graduated college? Nope. Am I glad I did? Yes.

We’ll remain here in Houston for a few more months before the move. I’ll be taking on a new full-time role helping commodities traders with weather intelligence, getting more into the weeds of the weather forecasting that I also love. But Eric and I just wanted you to know about my change in situation before it happened. And we want to be sure you are also reassured that nothing is changing for the site. Thanks for adopting this Yankee over the years, and thanks as always for supporting the mission Eric and I strive to achieve.

Good thing I came around. Battery could’ve died.

Only dogs can see that.

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Anyone who thinks the humanities makes people more expansive should spend four minutes in an English department meeting.

The post Frog A Little Turned On By Avocado appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed into a tangent on the blockbuster movie franchise, President Donald Trump reportedly became unsure Monday how his rambling speech on Iran had veered off into a ranking of the Pirates Of The Caribbean films. “The first one is undeniably a classic, number one with a bullet, truly the best,” the president said during a press conference, furrowing his brow as he tried to recall how his forceful rhetoric about the Strait of Hormuz had slowly given way to praise of Javier Bardem’s “totally underrated” performance in the fifth film of the series. “Number two is either Dead Man’s Chest or At World’s End, hard to say, but Davy Jones—who’s actually a tremendous character, really great—Davy Jones made that franchise what it is. Unlike the crooked Jack Sparrow. I have all the DVDs. I have the best DVDs. You know, it’s a shame they stopped after five movies. If I got Jerry Bruckheimer and Keira Knightley in the same room, I could make a deal on a sixth. I’d do it in five minutes, maybe less.” After agreeing to take a few questions from reporters, Trump responded to an inquiry about the Iran war’s timeline by humming Hans Zimmer’s iconic theme music from the films for three uninterrupted minutes.

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