Cowboy Who?

Some time ago, I talked about the so-called hard error and what makes it harder than an easy error. The idea is that the “hard” error is used for low-level I/O errors that occur at unpredictable times, and which must be handled without allowing application code to run (because of the unpredictability).

If the hard error message could do all of those things, why didn’t Windows 95 use them instead of the ugly blue screen messages?

TL;DR: In Windows 95, the hard error message is at the wrong layer.

In Windows in real mode or standard mode, you had Windows running on top of MS-DOS as the file I/O layer.

Windows GUI

Windows I/O layer

MS-DOS

When an I/O error occurred, it was reported to the Windows I/O layer, which then asked the Windows GUI to freeze all application so it could display the hard error dialog.

Recall that Windows in enhanced mode and Windows 95 were really three operating systems running together. There was a virtual machine manager which did the things traditionally associated with an operating system kernel: Memory management, paging, I/O, time slicing, resource virtualization, all that stuff. Inside the virtual machine manager, you had one virtual machine for running Windows programs, and you had additional virtual machines, one for each MS-DOS session.

Windows GUI		MS-DOS session		MS-DOS session
Windows I/O layer
Virtual machine manager

The types of errors that resulted in blue screen messages were detected by the virtual machine manager, and it happened asynchronously with respect to whatever is happening in the Windows or MS-DOS virtual machines. The virtual machine manager can’t report all of its problems to the Windows I/O layer: For one thing, the problem may not even have originated from Windows. It could be a problem with an operation performed by an MS-DOS program.

For another thing, the problem may have been detected by the virtual machine manager at a time when various internal locks are held that may prevent the Windows virtual machine from doing anything. For example, the problem may have been discovered while the display driver owns an internal mutex, which means that a display context switch from MS-DOS to the Windows virtual machine is not possible. The virtual machine manager needs to report the problem and get an answer from the user, but it’s not allowed to change ownership of the video card from the MS-DOS virtual machine to the Windows virtual machine.

Wait, if the display driver is locked, how can it display a blue screen message?

The blue screen message is special: One of the design requirements for virtual display drivers is that they must be able to switch from any mode into text mode at the drop of a hat (known as “message mode”), display a text message, and then switch back to the original mode, preserving all state. This requires setting aside a small amount of memory (enough to hold a 25 × 80 text mode screen) to save the video memory that is about to be used by the text mode message, plus a small amount of memory to keep track of the video card state that needs to be restored when exiting blue screen message mode.

This is a much more tractable problem than requiring the display driver to be able to do a full context switch from one graphics mode to another. For one thing, the amount of memory required to store an entire 1024 × 768 graphics screen at 32 bits per pixel is three megabytes. Reserving this much non-paged memory for emergency use is somewhat impractical seeing as it would consume all of the system memory in Windows 3.1 enhanced mode (minimum hardware requirements 3MB RAM), and nearly all of it in Windows 95 (minimum hardware requirements 4MB RAM).

Even worse, the problem may be detected at a time when a deadlock with the Windows virtual machine is possible. For example, the problem might be a resource conflict, say, because the Windows virtual machine wants to access the same communications port that an MS-DOS program is already using. The virtual machine manager needs to ask the user to resolve this conflict by saying who should get access to the port. If the virtual machine manager asked the Windows virtual machine to display a hard error message, it would create a deadlock, because the Windows virtual machine is waiting for access to the communications port.

At the end of the day, the problem is one of layering. If the problem is detected by the virtual machine manager, that problem is effectively asynchronous with respect to what’s happening inside the virtual machines that it is hosting. It is being generated at too low a layer in the architectural stack.

Bonus reading: How did Windows 3.1’s virtual machine manager get the information to show in the text-mode Alt+Tab switcher? In the case where the request for input from the user is not blocking multitasking, the virtual machine manager could use an asynchronous pattern to communicate with some code running in the Windows virtual machine.

The post Why did Windows 95 use blue screen error messages instead of hard error messages? appeared first on The Old New Thing.

The 240-mile route would take under 90 minutes and travel at a top speed of 204 MPH, according to Amtrak.

In brief: We will continue to see the potential for showers and thunderstorms in Houston over the next couple of days, but the main threat for heavy rainfall will remain largely confined to the coast. In fact, to account for this threat, we’re reinstated a Stage 1 flood alert for coastal counties through Friday morning. This post also discusses the deliciously dry air on the way this weekend with the season’s first front.

Coastal flooding threat

Instead of slowly fading away, a coastal low pressure system now seems likely to drift back northward toward the upper Texas coast and Louisiana during the second half of this week. Although most of the heaviest rain should fall offshore, coastal counties along the upper Texas coast—Matagorda, Brazoria, Galveston, Chambers and Orange—could pick up an additional 3 to 6 inches of rainfall, with the possibility of higher isolated totals. For this reason we are putting a Stage 1 flood alert back into place for these areas for the time being. This mess should definitively move away by some time on Friday.

Early season front

My general rule for cold fronts, in Houston, is that we can generally expect one by the third or fourth week of September. This is not a hard and fast rule. If you recall last summer—the hottest summer on record in Houston—the first front did not arrive until October 7. This year a front will arrive on Saturday, one month earlier. In fact, this front will be our earliest since the year 2017, a year when I guess Mother Nature felt as though she owed us one after Hurricane Harvey.

This front will not barrel into Houston, but drier air should percolate into the area over the weekend, beginning on Saturday and continuing into Sunday and Monday. Some areas, particularly away from the coast, may see dew points dropping into the 40s at times, which is really dry air for this time of year. Lows on Sunday and Monday mornings should drop into the 60s for most of the region and, combined with the drier air, it will feel really pleasant. The first fall fronts never last very long, so enjoy the cooler weather while it lasts.

Wednesday and Thursday

Both today and Thursday will see elevated rain chances due to the presence of the coastal low pressure system. As noted above, rain showers will be hit or miss for inland areas, but there is a decent chance for some street flooding along and near the coast. Highs will range from the mid-80s for coastal areas to about 90 degrees inland, with mostly cloudy skies. Winds will generally be from the east or northeast, at about 10 mph, with gusts up to 20 mph.

Friday

Some additional showers are possible, particularly for coastal areas. However, we’ll also start to see some sunnier skies mix in, especially for inland areas. High temperatures should be in the upper 80s.

Saturday and Sunday

Sunny skies will prevail, with highs near 90 degrees on Saturday, and perhaps the mid-80s on Sunday in the wake of the front. Low temperatures and the extent of dry air will depend on how far you live from the coast, however the entire area should enjoy at least some relief from humidity. This will be a splendid weekend for outdoor activities, although Saturday will be breezy as the front pushes through, with gusts up to 25 mph or so.

Next week

The dry air hangs on through about Monday before we start to see a southerly flow return. Highs will likely return to around 90 degrees, and rain chances are back on the menu beginning Tuesday or Wednesday.

Tropics

There’s a lot to watch in the tropics over the next week or 10 days, but beyond the low pressure system bringing us rain over the next couple of days, it is nothing I’m too particularly concerned about at the moment. The Eyewall will have more later today.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How do I rebuild a department after an abusive manager?

I’ve recently accepted a new position at the director level. I supervise several managers who, in turn, each supervise their own team of employees. Prior to my arrival, one of the managers, Marcy, exhibited some problematic behavior. As I understand it, she has sometimes reacted with extreme anger, aimed both at her direct reports and at other members of the department. She’s never gotten violent, but she has screamed so vociferously that people felt intimidated and afraid. She was reprimanded, coached, and forced to undergo anger management training, and I’ve been told that her behavior has improved. I’m not sure if her anger issues are completely resolved, but I haven’t seen anything troubling since I’ve been here.

What I have witnessed, however, is the damage done by Marcy’s past bad behavior. The entire department walks around her as though on eggshells. Disagreements which in other circumstances would be minor and manageable are blown up into bigger ordeals because everyone approaches her with such distrust.

Her past behavior has earned this distrust, but I need to find solutions to help the department move forward. I cannot fire her (barring future bad action), so how do I help my department without seeming like I’m minimizing their trauma? I want everyone to work together effectively, and I don’t know how to do that so long as Marcy remains, but I have to play the hand that I’ve been dealt. Do you have any recommendations to help speed up the process or allow for the opportunity for the rebuilding of trust?

Marcy is responsible for this problem and she should be an active part of the solution. You should meet with her and lay out what you’re seeing — fear and distrust and problems becoming bigger than they need to be because she’s salted the earth with her past behavior — and tell her that you need her to work on repairing those relationships. It’s not enough for her to just stop yelling; now she needs to figure out how to repair the damage. Maybe that means apologizing to people one-on-one. Maybe it means she still needs to alter more of her behavior (for example, she’s not yelling now, but how much of a point is she making of demonstrating that people can safely disagree with her?). I don’t know because it will depend on specifics, but she needs to be thinking about this and working on it at least as actively as you are, and part of your role is to hold her accountable for doing that.

You should also ask other team members for their input, because you need to make sure the problem hasn’t just been driven underground. (For example, do you know for sure that Marcy isn’t still reacting to people poorly, just less intensely than before?)

Realistically, though, this might not be fixable. People don’t trust her because they have reason not to trust her. But that’s where I’d begin.

2. Should I intervene with a creepy coworker?

I’m a fairly junior female employee in a very male-dominated field. I sit a few rows down from one of my few junior female coworkers, Liz. Liz and I are friendly, grabbing the occasional coffee or happy hour here and there, but not super close beyond that.

A male employee in our office, Jack, who is several decades older than we are, has recently been treating Liz in a way that feels very uncomfortable to me. Two to three times a day, I will see him go over to her desk and insist on conversing with her for stretches of 15-20 minutes, even if she is clearly working. The chat is never work-related: He asks about her weekend, her evening plans, what she’s reading etc., and often launches into long personal stories of his own. Liz is usually civil but curt during these interactions, mostly nodding along while trying to continue her work; her expression and body language usually appear (at least to me) visibly annoyed throughout.

Is there anything I can do about this situation? I feel horrible just being a bystander without trying to help put a stop to it, but I assume that I shouldn’t intervene without asking Liz what she would prefer. But as someone who is neither Liz’s manager nor her close friend, but just a coworker, is that even an appropriate conversation for me to have — and what would be the right way to have it, if so?

Yes, talk to Liz. Say, “Are you happy to chat with Jack when he comes by or would you appreciate me interrupting with something work-related when he stops by?”

Also, if she expresses any discomfort with what he’s doing, please encourage her to talk to her manager. She shouldn’t have to put up with this and a decent manager should be happy to intervene on her behalf — for anyone, but especially because Liz is junior, which means she’s more likely to be unsure of how to shut down Jack herself and whether she even can shut him down. It’s so normal to need help with things like this when you’re new to the work world and dealing with an employee several decades your senior. Encourage her to get that help!

3. Hiring manager texted me at 9 pm

I got a text from a hiring manager at 9 pm last night after submitting an application that morning/early afternoon. The timing of it weirded me out. Is it a red flag?

We’re in the same time zone (this place is only 30ish minutes away from me). He said he really wanted to get someone hired and trained but I thought, “Would it have really hurt to wait until the morning?”

I have this feeling that the work/life balance won’t be good and there will be no boundaries if I do get hired. That there will be multiple late-night messages and trying to get me to do stuff on my off time. I was just trying to relax before bed when this text came through, then I was trying to figure out my schedule to fit this in. I just get red flags from it.

Yeah, you’re right to be concerned.  If it had been an email rather than a text, I’d be less worried because that’s less intrusive; people work their own schedules and as long as he wasn’t expecting an immediate response from you, I wouldn’t be terribly concerned. I’d still ask about what hours people there typically work and probe around a bit, but a 9 pm text is more unsettling.

That said, it’s too early to conclude anything definitive. Go to the interview, take his measure, probe into the culture (and remember that you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you!), and feel free to ask, “I noticed you texted me at 9 pm — is it common for the team to get work texts at that hour?”

4. Can I ask to have the red wall in my new office repainted?

I work in higher education and my department recently welcomed a new director. Due to some changing priorities, I have the exciting opportunity to transform my role to one that better serves our students (and is generally a better fit for me)!

This change will require me to change offices, which brings me to my question: can I ask for my new office to be painted before I move in? The last time (10+ years ago) it was painted, they used the basic office greige for a majority of the walls and a deep red for a pop of color. The red is bright and distracting and now that I’m losing my window and natural light, I’m worried the statement wall is going to impact my mood and productivity.

We have such a tight budget and I don’t know my new boss that well. Will asking for one wall to be repainted cause me to pick up a “diva” reputation?

I think you can ask. Don’t make it sound like it’s about decorating to your precise aesthetic preferences. It might turn out that would be perfectly okay too, but since you’re worried about coming across as tone-deaf on a team with a tight budget and new leader, say something like, “That red makes my head hurt after five minutes — any chance I could get it repainted to something neutral like the color on the other walls?”

For what it’s worth, if they’re not willing to repaint it, they might be willing to let you do it in a neutral color at your own expense. You shouldn’t have to do that, but it’s a solution that’s been used before by the desperate.

5. I can overhear my coworker’s Zoom therapy

A coworker I consider to be a trial of patience just moved into an office on my hall. Our offices all have doors that shut, but the walls are paper thin and I can usually hear everything my immediate neighbors are saying. When it’s about work stuff, it doesn’t really matter but this coworker has therapy on Zoom once a week. I can hear what she says (although I can’t make out what the other person says) and it’s really uncomfortable. I normally avoid chitchat with this person because of rude things she’s said in the past and I don’t want to stir the pot … but I also don’t want to listen in on her personal therapy sessions!

Since you’d rather not say something to her directly, why not just put on headphones or use a white noise machine? Sometimes you have no choice but to suck it up and have a potentially awkward conversation, but since in this case we’re only talking about an hour a week, there’s nothing wrong with just taking the easy way out rather than dealing with someone you’re worried will be rude.

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Today's News:

In brief: After a wet weekend for many locations, Houston will see continued on-and-off showers for a few more days this week. Skies turn sunnier by the weekend and yes, some sort of cool front really is going to push into the region. It will mean drier air, and at least slightly cooler temperatures. For early September that’s pretty fine weather.

Labor Day Weekend rains

As expected, it was a soggy Labor Day Weekend for coastal areas. Some locations in Galveston Island and Bolivar Peninsula picked up 4 to 6 inches of rainfall on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday after soils were already sodden by last week’s showers. Most inland areas saw considerably less rain over the weekend, although mostly cloudy skies generally kept a lid on high temperatures at about 90 degrees. Healthy rain chances will persist this week, but accumulations should be less for coastal areas. Therefore we are dropping the Stage 1 flood alert that had been in place for those locations.

Tuesday

The flow will become a little more northeasterly today across much of the region, and this will tamp down rain chances with one exception. That is, areas south and west of Houston will have access to somewhat more moisture, and we’re already seeing some coastal showers in places such as Lake Jackson and Matagorda Bay this morning. Rain chances will be fairly high in southern Brazoria and Fort Bend Counties, but only in the 20 to 30 percent range for most of the rest of the area. Highs will generally reach about 90 degrees, under mostly cloudy skies. Overnight lows will drop into the upper 70s.

Wednesday and Thursday

With more moisture available, I expect there to be better rain chances for much of the metro area, perhaps 50 percent or higher each day. Still, accumulations don’t appear to be anything crazy, perhaps a few tenths of an inch for most locations with higher totals possible right along the coast. Highs on these days will range from the upper 80s to about 90 degrees, with mostly cloudy skies.

Friday

Look for a partly sunny day, with lower rain chances. Highs will reach about 90 degrees.

Saturday and Sunday

The first half of the weekend should be sunny and warm, with highs around 90 degrees. Drier air, in association with a cool front, should arrive sometime on Saturday or Saturday night. By Sunday morning probably, and Sunday evening at the latest, conditions should start to feel notably drier. As to the effect of this front on temperatures, highs on Sunday will probably max out in the upper 80s, with overnight lows in the mid- to upper-60s for most of Houston. The drier air should last through about Tuesday, which is pretty OK for the season’s first front.

Tropics

We’re still keeping an eye on some things, and I think there’s a pretty decent chance that we see some sort of activity in the southern Gulf of Mexico about a week from now. But as for threats to the upper Texas coast, I’m just not seeing too much to be concerned about right now. For early September, that is a great place to be.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker sleeps too deeply when she’s on-call

I work in a job (child welfare) that requires overnight and weekend on-call shifts. We get calls almost every night, but usually those are in the evening hours; true middle-of-the-night emergencies are more rare, but always highly urgent.

I have a coworker who can’t wake up to calls in the early morning hours. She’s very responsive in the evenings, and even late at night and in the later morning — it’s just the wee hours of the morning, when she is most deeply asleep, that cause a problem. She’s missed a call three times now; when that happens, the on-call worker from a neighboring office has to get called in, which delays our response time significantly (and makes the other worker mad!).

Our general office policy is that it’s fine for this to happen once — stuff happens, people sleep too deeply when they’re tired, etc. After the first missed call, your supervisor talks to you about how to prevent it happening again (changing the ringtone to something more startling, giving the supervisor your personal number so two phones are ringing at you, etc.). After the second, it’s a serious warning. We’ve never had someone miss three calls without a corresponding performance/attitude/other problem before, but that’s not the case with this coworker; she’s great at her job when she’s awake!

Our management seems to be at a loss as to what to do at this point, and they’re asking us for suggestions. Other than the standard “this helps me wake up” advice, what are the options here? It’s not really a performance issue that can be worked on, and it seems silly to fire a good employee for sleeping too deeply at 3 am! But someone does need to be responding to these emergencies, and honestly the rest of us would probably revolt if we had to take more on-call shifts and this coworker was excused (we’re already on-call one weeknight out of 10, and a full weekend every eight weeks). Any suggestions?

It sounds like it should be treated as something more like a medical issue than a disciplinary one — and the coworker herself should be enlisted in finding solutions. Surely there’s got to be a technological solution, like some sort of equipment that can be kept in her bedroom that would blare loudly and flash lights when she’s called? A wristband that vibrates when a call comes in? Other devices that provide emergency alerts for hearing-impaired people? Technology almost certainly can solve this (and your organization should pay for it the way they would other assistive devices used for medical accommodations).

2. Coworker is rude to my intern

I’m managing a summer intern. While she does 95% of things fantastically, she does make the occasional mistake. I address these with her in one-on-ones where I ask what occurred, we discuss the seriousness of the mistake when it’s a big thing, and then talk through ways to help her not make that mistake again (if it’s relevant). Our team’s culture is to always bring up mistakes to people one-on-one so that person can correct it, or to let them know it’s been fixed if it needed to be dealt with immediately.

There’s a problem employee, Jane, who is at a lower level than me but not a direct report who frequently calls out only my intern’s mistakes publicly via Teams. None of these mistakes have specifically affected Jane. In fact, Jane has made (and continues to make) the same mistakes as the intern and many other mistakes, and she also gets defensive at any correction at all. How do I tell my intern that it’s Jane who is in the wrong, not her (other than the mistakes)? And how do I tell Jane to stop being a jerk to the intern?

Tell Jane that if there are problems with your intern’s work, she should come to you privately so you can handle it; she shouldn’t address it herself. You could say, “It’s important to me to praise in public and correct in private, and most people don’t appreciate being called out publicly like that. If something needs to be addressed with her, please let me know and I will handle it with her one-on-one.”

And then to your intern: “I’ve asked Jane to stop doing this and to come to me privately if there’s anything that concerns her, because our culture is to raise mistakes with people privately. Frankly, it’s also not her job to be monitoring your work like that. I’m sorry that’s happened, and I want to make sure you know you’re doing a great job.”

3. Should I wear a button to signal I don’t want to talk about politics at work?

I recently started a new mid-level position in a professional office in a heavily-Democratic region of the country. People tend to assume you are a Democrat, and political comments that are anti-Trump and pro-Harris are extremely common. I happen to be anti-Trump AND anti-Harris, and I don’t want to hear anything about politics at work, ever. It makes me feel “othered” and has led to me struggling a bit to form bonds with my new colleagues, which I feel is important to my success with the company — and I don’t know how to act or what to say when these comments are made directly to me.

What do you think about my wearing a Cornel West button on my coat, in hopes that people might notice and just stop talking politics with or in front of me? Is there anything else I can do? I should add that if someone noticed my button and then attempted to talk to me about my political beliefs, I think I would feel comfortable politely letting them know that I’d prefer to not discuss politics at work.

If you don’t want to talk about politics at work, wearing a political button is the exact wrong thing to do! The button would signal that you’re inviting political conversation (and in this case not just conversation, but probably debate) — and it will come across oddly to wear it and then say you don’t want to talk about politics at work. You’re better off just saying, “Oh, I really hate talking about politics at work” or “I have a politics black-out right now — thank you for understanding.”

4. Employee is constantly anxiety venting

An indirect employee (reports to one of my reports) has a lot of stressors about a sudden unpleasant life change. I’ve given their supervisor resources regarding free counseling sessions through work, flex scheduling, etc. to share. However, this employee has started handling their anxiety and anger by coming to my office to report/vent about anything bothering them. Sometimes multiple times per hour. About seemingly minor things I would expect folks to deal with on their own or brush off (no I really don’t need to be told someone didn’t wipe up some drips of coffee in the break room).

Should I weather this knowing they are in a tough place, or shut it down and save my own sanity?

Shut it down and save your sanity. They’re asking you to perform an unreasonable amount of emotional labor, and you can decline (and should decline, since you presumably need to focus on work during that time). You’re also not their boss — they shouldn’t be coming to you this frequently at all.

There’s advice here and here on handling this sort of interruption, but since you’re their boss’s boss, make sure you’re also working with their manager to ensure that the problem doesn’t just get transferred over to her.

5. My colleague is copying me

As a small business owner, I often work with strategic partners. I’m developing opportunities with one partner and noticed on several occasions that she’s mirroring my language. For the most part, I let it go.

She recently posted on a professional networking site that she’s seeking new opportunities and asked me to recommend her in comments. I was incredulous when I read the post and noted her elevator pitch is pretty much the unique metaphor and structure I use for my pitch, which I shared when we met.

I already told her I’d write a referral before I read it. I’m not sure how to respond to this. If I don’t bring it up, I feel it’ll only get worse down the road. She’s also an up-and-coming speaker and I’m wary that she will use my anecdotes; it’s a very niche industry.

How can I address this in a way that doesn’t damage our relationship? This person has become a friend and there’s a second partner in our venture, so I’m not ready to walk away from this yet.

Her request for a referral actually gives you an easier opening to bring it up. You could say, “I feel awkward writing you a referral when the pitch you wrote is so similar in metaphor and structure to the one I shared with you that I use. I’m concerned it will look like I copied yours or you copied mine, and either way that’s not good for either of us.”

(Of course, make sure it’s really copied! Some pitches are generic enough that it would be hard to call dibs, but based on the way you described it, I’m assuming that’s not the case here.)

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

A coworker, Kate, and I used to work together at another company several years ago. I was visiting with her recently, when she brought up a situation we encountered at the old place.

At the old firm, I was a manager and Kate reported to another manager. A bunch of cash payments were missing for a couple of months, so an internal investigation was done and it was discovered that the payments were being pocketed by the front desk receptionist. This amounted to several thousand dollars.

The managers were all called together and told about the theft. One of the company owners was an attorney (this is important) and decided to have his son, a former police detective, give every employee (20 employees and four managers) a lie detector test in the hopes the receptionist would fess up. They said they’d have to give the managers the test to make it look like no one was assumed innocent, but they weren’t accusing any of us. In the meantime, the receptionist was still working for us and cash continued to go missing. I couldn’t figure out why we weren’t just letting her go.

The lie detector sessions were conducted about a month later, but as a manager, I wasn’t hooked up to the machine for my test.

Kate told me today that her test was very different. She said her manager pulled her team together and told them money had been missing and the company had decided to do lie detector tests to find out who did it. Her test was given late on a Friday afternoon. She said she was so nervous, she threw up before her appointed time, cried all the way home afterwards, and spent the weekend sure she was going to lose her job, or worse … for something she didn’t do. I feel so bad for her and all the other employees who had to participate. I honestly can’t remember what I told my department. Thinking about it makes me sick.

The following Monday, the receptionist was fired. We managers were told she passed the lie detector test, but they fired her anyway. I was baffled by how the whole thing was handled, but trusted they knew what they were doing. I should also mention the receptionist was a person of color, while the rest of the office was white.

Was this even legal? I figured since one owner was an attorney, he’d surely follow the law. Now, I wonder if the owners were thinking they’d be sued for discrimination for firing the receptionist. What are your thoughts?

It wasn’t legal! It was also very weird.

Under the federal Employee Polygraph Protection Act, it’s illegal for nearly all private employers to require employees to take lie detector tests. (The law excludes government employees, federal contractors, security services, and some pharmaceutical positions.)

Employers are allowed use lie detector tests if an employee is a primary suspect in a workplace crime — but that would have meant just the receptionist, not every employee, and the test would have needed to be administered by a certified and bonded polygraph examiner with a valid license.

They also would have been required to provide any polygraphed employees with a notice before the test explaining the incident leading to the investigation, an explanation of the grounds for their suspicion of the person’s involvement in the incident, an explanation of the employee’s access to the property or loss under investigation, and an explanation of the employee’s rights, including their right to terminate the exam, their right to consult legal counsel before the exam, and their right to file a complaint with the Department of Labor.

And this is all before getting into the fact that lie detector tests aren’t especially reliable.

Beyond all that, the way your company went about this was fully bananapants.

They could have just … fired the receptionist.

If they wanted an actual investigation, they could have reported it to the police.

This charade involving 24 people was totally unnecessary.

For what it’s worth, while it’s understandable to assume that attorneys must know and be following the law in their own workplaces, law firms seem to flout employment law pretty regularly. It’s quite odd.

TROY, NY—Showering his screen with balloons and confetti while asking him to confirm the information was accurate, LinkedIn reportedly congratulated local man Steve Romano on Tuesday for reaching five years at his dead-end job without killing himself. “Great job, Steve! You’ve hit the five-year mark without a raise or promotion or even once running a razor across your wrists!” read the autogenerated message from the career-focused social media site, which also prompted Romano’s followers to send stock congratulations like “Never thought you’d make it this long” or “We know you overcame a lot to hit this amazing milestone,” along with laughing and shocked emoji faces. “With zero bullets in your skull after half a decade making no progress toward a better future, your lack of self-respect is really paying off. That’s two years longer than the average LinkedIn user in your position. Sign up for LinkedIn Premium to receive best-in-the-business metrics showing how far behind your peers you’ve fallen so you can reach your full potential as a coward who can’t pull the trigger.” At press time, the ads on Romano’s LinkedIn page were reportedly auto-populating with guns and gas stoves.

The post LinkedIn Congratulates Man On 5 Years At Dead-End Job Without Killing Himself appeared first on The Onion.

MANKATO, MN—Warning that if elected the candidate would show his sinister true colors, acquaintances of Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz alleged Tuesday that his ‘aw, shucks’ persona was merely a cover for his very real ‘gee whiz’ tendencies. “He may act all gosh-and-golly in front of the cameras, but the Walz political machine has spent years covering up the truth about his ‘Oh, for Pete’s sake!’ personality,” said a person close to the Minnesota governor’s family, one of several sources for this story who asked that their name be withheld for fear of reprisal from powerful forces trying to bury what they described as the candidate’s “heckuva” past. “All this ‘goodness gracious’ stuff is just baloney. Ask anyone around here, and they’ll tell you he’s your classic jeez-Louise politician who has bullied his way to the top of state government by blackmailing his opponents and crying ‘That’s just hogwash!’ anytime someone criticized him. He may have fooled the rest of the country with his finely tuned ‘Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!’ act, but ‘Holy buckets!’ is who he really is.” When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Harris-Walz campaign denied the governor had ever lost his temper and told anyone to hold their horses.

The post Sources Allege Tim Walz’s ‘Aw, Shucks’ Persona Merely Facade Concealing True ‘Gee Whiz’ Tendencies appeared first on The Onion.

The post Cool Skydiver Only Uses One Parachute Strap appeared first on The Onion.

“We always liked the idea that the preparation and the consequences happened in the same room.”

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Pondering a hypothetical that, if proven, would fundamentally alter feline understanding of the universe, the nation’s foremost cat scientists held a symposium Friday to discuss a theoretical third food type that was neither wet nor dry. “Consider a world in which food is not split into the binary we have always known, but exists outside the paradigm of wetness and dryness,” said leading kibble theorist Sneakers, explaining that the ubiquity of divergent foodstuffs such as lickable treats and cat grass suggested the possibility of an entirely different state of edible matter. “Of course, sitting here today, we can barely comprehend what this food would be like. It would presumably possess characteristics unlike anything we’ve encountered—for example, it could be constructed of something other than seafood, poultry, or even chunks of real beef. This hypothetical food also might not come from a can or out of a big bag, but instead from some sort of container we cannot even conceive of.” Sneakers concluded his remarks by noting that no matter the exact makeup of this third food type, it would almost certainly be possible to eat an entire bowl of it so fast that you immediately threw up. 

The post Cat Scientists Theorize About Third Type Of Food That Neither Wet Nor Dry appeared first on The Onion.

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Expressing their envy at the child’s obviously superior dining experience, everyone sitting in a local restaurant Monday was reportedly jealous of a toddler who got to wear his pajamas and watch an iPad for the whole meal. “I can’t believe this! He doesn’t even have to talk to anybody or pay attention to what’s going on around him—he gets to just sit and watch Bluey,” said Ray’s Italian Bistro patron Finn Delamore, echoing the sentiment of dozens around him who reportedly couldn’t help but cast longing looks at the 2-year-old whose eyes were glued to the screen in front of him, his hands clasping a bright red toy fire truck. “Look at him sitting there in those comfortable jammies, laughing his ass off at Bandit and Chilli as he chows down on little pieces of cut-up chicken. Meanwhile, I’m in my stiff dress shirt, making stilted conversation and eating osso buco like an asshole. What I wouldn’t give to trade places with him.” At press time, onlookers had become even more jealous after the toddler got to relieve himself without even having to walk all the way to the restroom. 

The post Everyone In Restaurant Jealous Of Toddler Who Gets To Wear Pajamas And Watch iPad appeared first on The Onion.

STOCKTON, CA—Complaining that the woman acts like she owns the place despite her groom’s incredible generosity, local man Jason Foster reported Monday that his bride was being awfully picky about the wedding cake for someone who just got a free flight from Cambodia. “She steps off the plane I forked over 900 bucks for and suddenly she thinks she’s too good for a pre-made chocolate sheet cake?” said Foster, who complained that for someone who has been in the country less than 48 hours, she suddenly has a lot of opinions on the proper decor and food needed for a customary American wedding. “People are so entitled these days. I bet a Costco cake is a delicacy in Cambodia, and she can’t even act grateful. If I paid for the cake and the pop-up canopy tent, and even saved us money by convincing my buddy to officiate, then I’m going to be the one picking out the flavor. I don’t even know what the hell pandan is. Oh look, now she’s even acting like she can’t breathe just because she’s got some kind of allergy.” At press time, Foster was reportedly emailing his bride’s contact to see if she could be exchanged for someone who wouldn’t act like a tray of baked ziti is the end of the world.

The post Bride Being Awfully Picky About Wedding Cake For Someone Who Just Got Free Flight From Cambodia appeared first on The Onion.

The post Moviegoers Distracted By Christian Family Praying Over M&M’s appeared first on The Onion.

With millions returning to campuses for the start of another school year, university administrators are establishing new policies to prevent and discourage their students from taking part in pro-Palestine protests. Here are some of the most popular strategies colleges are using in their crackdowns.

• Installing fencing around each individual student: It’s much more difficult for students to congregate when they are enclosed in steel mesh. 
• Restricting the time students can publicly express empathy: Colleges like Indiana University are setting a strict 11 p.m. curfew for all feelings.
• Offering meal plans vouchers: Passively accepting ethnic cleansing will earn students Dinner Dollars, which can be redeemed at any campus eatery.
• Hiring Netanyahu as an orientation leader: There’s no problem a few days of icebreakers can’t solve.
• A Foucault pendulum hanging above the quad: The unpredictable swing of a large metal ball on a wire will deter all gatherings.
• Letting Phi Psi haze them: They can do all the stuff that got them kicked off campus last time, no questions asked.
• Marriage pacts: Wedding the protest leader to the dean’s daughter could forge a lasting peace between the warring factions.
• Mozzarella sticks in the dining hall: The more time agitated students spend in a lactose coma, the less time they can spend chanting. 
• Mandatory IDF service: In order to “give them perspective,” Columbia, Harvard, and the University of Pennsylvania now require all undergraduate students to serve at least a one-year term in the Israeli military. 
• More movie nights: Even the most committed protesters cannot resist the allure of a free screening of The Greatest Showman. 
• Raising tuition: Those who can’t afford to enroll aren’t their problem.

The post How Universities Are Cracking Down On Palestine Protests appeared first on The Onion.

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic

IQALUIT – For many years, it has been common practice for Canadian senior citizens to travel south over the winter, seeking warmer climates, limited contact with anyone born after 1956, and the opportunity to drink a Tom Collins at an outdoor patio in February. Recently due to climate change however, a new trend has emerged […]

The post Ontario snowbirds now spending winters in Toronto, summers in Iqaluit appeared first on The Beaverton.

📕 Buy the MAP MEN BOOK 'This Way Up - When Maps Go Wrong' https://lnk.to/mapmen

Why does the USA draw district maps with absolutely bonkers shapes? And how do squiggly districts help the wrong politicians win elections? And have we been pronouncing "Gerrymandering" wrong for 200 years?


SEE NEW EPISODES EARLY, AND BEHIND-THE-SCENES EXTRAS...
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Written and presented by
JAY FOREMAN http://www.twitter.com/jayforeman
MARK COOPER-JONES http://www/twitter.com/markcooperjones

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JADE NAGI http://www.twitter.com/jade_nagi

Edited by
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ABBY TIMMS

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DAVE BRAIN http://www.twitter.com/ornsack

Animation
http://www.twitter.com/connaugh

Gerrymandered districts artwork
http://www.twitter.com/asquith_d
http://www.twitter.com/playercoalition

Many thanks (and recommended YouTube channel if you're into US politics)
MR BEAT http://www.youtube.com/iammrbeat

In brief: As expected, the Houston region will continue to see healthy rain chances and lower temperatures for the Labor Day Weekend. With the heaviest rains mostly concentrated near the coast, a Stage 1 flood alert remains in effect for coastal counties. Also, could we really see our first fall front about a week from now?

This is just a short post on Sunday morning to say that our forecast for Labor Day Weekend, and beyond, is more or less on track. A large area of low pressure offshore will continue to push showers and thunderstorms inland for the next several days.

These rains will likely be most intense right along the coast, in places such as Galveston Island and points eastward to Port Arthur. For this reason, we are continuing to maintain a State 1 flood alert for coastal counties. This simply means that, in the stronger storms, there is the potential for some street flooding. We do not anticipate widespread, significant issues.

Rain chances will be lower for areas located inland of Interstate 10, but the entire metro area will have the possibility of seeing showers and thunderstorms into the middle part of next week as the pressure system continues to wobble near the upper Texas coast.

This means that our skies will remain partly to mostly cloudy, and this should keep daytime high temperatures in the vicinity of the upper 80s to 90 degrees through next Wednesday or Thursday. Sunnier weather should arrive by the end of this week, with diminished rain chances.

I don’t want to sell this too hard, but much of our model guidance is continuing to advertise the possibility of a cool front arriving by next Sunday or Monday. It’s far enough away to still have some doubts about whether this will happen, but it’s not impossible that we’ll see a couple of nights in the 60s with some drier air. I almost hate to write about it, because I don’t want to jinx it. I’ll have more on the likelihood of this front in tomorrow’s post.

Tropics

As for the tropics, we’re continuing to watch the Gulf of Mexico low pressure system. Because of its proximity to land, further development into a tropical depression is unlikely, but possible. There’s also a tropical wave the Atlantic Ocean nearing the Caribbean Sea. Not much has changed with this system. It’s possible that a tropical low eventually gets into the Gulf of Mexico, or it’s possible that nothing ever comes of this tropical wave. We’ll just need to keep watching for a few more days to see what happens. Matt will have more on this on The Eyewall this afternoon.

The Underbelly

New Cyanide and Happiness Comic