Cowboy Who?

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. “This unit of elite K-9 officers has been taught to alert their handlers to sinful behavior by loudly barking and immediately engaging the impious subject in pursuit,” said a top official for the papal state’s police force, demonstrating in a live simulation how each of the 10 German shepherds could successfully sniff out any hell-bound miscreant within a mile radius. “They are highly attuned to the scent of any venial-grade blasphemy, heresy, or other disobedient action clearly forbidden in the Bible by the Lord God on High. Even if you’ve dishonored your mother and father at home—hours before stepping foot inside the boundaries of Vatican City—these dogs will still be able to sense it. One whiff of a golden calf and any idolaters in the vicinity will be rounded up within minutes. Remember that these are animals, and they can’t be responsible for what they do when they hear someone take the Lord’s name in vain. The only way to avoid reprimand is to live according to the Word of God, go to confession regularly, and donate heavily to your local parish.” At press time, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City outlined the funding needed for a fleet of Queen Hornet Supersized FPV bomber drones for apprehending mortal sinners.

The post Vatican City Police Unveil New Unit Of Sin-Sniffing Dogs appeared first on The Onion.

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that a common yellow food dye can make skin, muscle, and connective tissues temporarily transparent in mice, with scientists able to see blood vessels in the rodent’s brain after smearing it on the animal’s scalp. What do you think?

“It says it right there on the packaging.”

Drew Pilkenton, Unemployed

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“Let me know if they need any humans to sit in a cage and eat Doritos because I am interested.”

Mia Curtis, Cosmetics Inventor

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“Wow, I never knew that mice were colored artificially.”

Ryan Brammall, Efficiency Tracker

The post Food Dye Used In Doritos Makes Mice’s Skin Transparent appeared first on The Onion.

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were “miracles,” local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she’d given to each of her miscarriages. “Boys…boys, I don’t think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, sweet, perfect younger sister named Jennifer…Jennifer Anne,” said the 65-year-old mother of two who, between moans and several refills of her glass, proceeded to list off every pregnancy she’d lost between the years of 1995 and 1997 as her husband, sons, and three other dinner guests sat silently and looked away. “We tried so many times. So many times! There was also supposed to be Mark. And Steven. And Danielle. And even little Fiona. But God said no each and every time!” At press time Donahue could not be reached for comment as she was reportedly vomiting into the half bathroom toilet and naming all the men she could have married who would have probably had stronger sperm than her husband.

The post Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages appeared first on The Onion.

MONTREAL – In an effort to secure stronger wages, Air Canada pilots are vowing to make Canadians continue to fly Air Canada unless they are granted significant raises. “With no breakthroughs emerging after a year of negotiations, we have no choice but to not strike until we receive the pay we deserve,” said a union […]

The post Air Canada pilots threaten to continue operating Air Canada flights until their demands are met appeared first on The Beaverton.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask for a hotel room far from my coworkers when traveling for a conference?

I recently completed my professional degree and licensure in my field, and have been getting a lot of support from my employer in establishing myself.

In about a year, there’s a fairly significant professional conference for the industry. Typically these conferences are held a long ways away (sometimes internationally), and so while there are always some folks from my employer attending, it’s usually a fairly limited group due to cost — someone who is presenting, leadership representatives, and always at least one or two new professionals so they can start building their professional network.

The upcoming conference is going to be fairly close to us for the first time in a couple of decades, and our leadership has said they want everyone from the office to attend, given the proximity. They’re planning to book a block of hotel rooms, pay attendance fees, and reimburse travel. I am really excited about the opportunity.

But I’m also dreading the hotel room situation. I’m a cis male multiple sexual assault survivor, and given the cultural attitudes towards men who report having been sexually assaulted, I generally don’t disclose this information. Meet me in the waking world, and you would never know anything about it. But that’s me awake — one of the ways my particular brand of PTSD manifests is night terrors. I don’t remember them when they happen, but they’re disruptive to the people around me. My family have asked me to refrain from overnight visits because of the disruptions, and partners have related how disturbing they find it to be when one happens; I’ve even had the police called by concerned neighbors while living in apartments.

Letting my coworkers in on this information is not something I particularly want to do. I’ve seen and heard how they gossip about basically everything. I frankly don’t trust them with knowing I have PTSD, let alone the causes, and it doesn’t help that there’s a push for us to become a more trauma-informed field (which I just know means someone would decide I should become an ambassador about my experiences). But I don’t know how to avoid it in this instance. Can I ask that my hotel room be located away from where the rest of my coworkers are? I’m worried about how that will be perceived, both from a team dynamic and especially as a man — I don’t want my coworkers thinking I’m hiding hookups or being standoffish, though I think I’d prefer that over discussing why they heard me screaming in the night. Will I have to explain why, if I do so? Should I just not attend the conference, knowing that it will look like I’m not engaging with our field and may cost me professionally? Are there other, better options that you can see and I’m not thinking of?

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. After the booking has been made (but at least a week in advance of the trip), call the hotel and ask to be assigned a room in a different section than the rest of the party. They should handle this for you discreetly. You don’t need to explain why; you won’t be the first person making a request like this, and they’re likely to just matter-of-factly assign you to a different area of the hotel.

When you check in, verify that they did indeed take care of it. If for some reason they didn’t, you can repeat the request at that point. You can be vague about why; just say “for privacy reasons” or similar.

2. Interviewer arrived late and seemed offended when I didn’t pause to greet her

I was in a virtual interview that was supposed to be me (the candidate) and two panel members. Only one panel member was there at first, and he told me the manager would be a few minutes late. Didn’t bother me at all, and he and I made small talk.

When the manager arrived (the two were in the same physical conference room and talking to me on a video call), I was in the middle of a story. My personal philosophy when late to meetings is I prefer to slip in unnoticed, assuming I’d be acknowledged in due time or not at all, depending on the situation. I do think it’s a case-by-case scenario though, and while I was speaking, I debated internally whether to greet her immediately or finish talking fast. My split second decision was to not draw attention to her lateness in case she was embarrassed and finished up my story as quickly as I could.

In those few seconds finishing up, I saw her face fall and she clearly looked offended. The rest of the interview, she was stiff and dismissive, and even ended the interview early as she didn’t seem interested in asking me much. I got a rejection note a few weeks later.

Of course, there could have been a bunch of reasons I didn’t make it further in the process, but I do feel like this one interaction cemented it. I was very disappointed as this was a company I had tried to get an interview with for many years and to lose my chance over one moment is frustrating. I had done tons of research on the manager and the role beforehand and was in the room for only 20 minutes, with almost half of that spent waiting for her. When we did greet her, I made sure to show my excitement at meeting her and treated her as the leader for the remaining time, but it didn’t sway her at all.

I’m wondering if I did commit a meeting faux pas? Is there a generally accepted way to handle late attendees and I messed up? I’m more than happy to stop talking and acknowledge incoming folks. How should I have handled it, both in the moment and after I noticed her seeming offended?

I do think that in an interview, when a missing panel member shows up it’s good manners to pause what you’re saying and greet them, and then say something like, “I was just telling Cedric about X.” That’s especially true when it’s the hiring manager, but it’s gracious to do that with any panel member.

That said, it would be unusual for this to be a major factor in assessing you, and if it was, that tells you something about the hiring manager.

3. Asking about camera culture in an interview

I’m currently in the process of interviewing and wondering how appropriate it would be to ask about a company’s or team’s camera expectations in meetings. I vastly prefer not having to turn on my camera during meetings (I don’t live alone, I don’t have a designated office area in my home, etc.). I do feel like this is a relevant culture question for remote workers, but I’m worried it comes off as not being a team player or that it appears standoffish.

It’s definitely a relevant question for a lot of people. It also risks coming across a little strangely if it sounds like it’s a make-or-break question for you (which is unfair, but also the reality of it). But if it is a make-or-break question for you, you definitely need to ask. I’d suggest asking it as lightly as possible; don’t have it be the first question you ask, and make it as conversational as you can. So maybe: “What’s your meeting culture like with so many people remote — are you pretty meeting-heavy, cameras-on, cameras-off, some mix of the two?” Alternately, you could say, “My current job has us on camera a lot for Zoom calls and I’ve found it can sometimes be pretty draining — what’s your remote meeting culture like?”

4. Boss wants me to figure out a back-up for my work

Last week, I asked my (new to me) manager about goals and she said to start planning SMART goals for next year. Yesterday we were discussing my upcoming vacation and she asked what my plan was, and I said that I would have to catch up on everything when I got back. She asked if I have a back-up, and I said no, I haven’t had one for three years. She asked what normally happens — again, I said I have to catch up when I get back. She then said I need to have some sort of back-up and add that as a goal for next year. I was then told to let the outside contractors know how to contact me ONLY if something cannot wait until my return.

Last year during my sabbatical, my manager (director level) was let go, and I had no choice about monitoring emails and texts.

Am I crazy for thinking it’s not within my power to designate a back-up and that my manager is the one who would have to designate who it should be, and then I train for the back-up functions?

I just want a vacation where I don’t have to have my work phone with me at all.

You might not have the authority to assign a back-up, but it sounds like your manager is asking you to think about who would be a logical choice and what the logistics of them backing you up would look like, then come to her with that proposal. That’s a good thing — she wants you to be able to take real vacations, and she’s asking for your input on a plan that allows that to happen.

There are some jobs where your manager would simply assign you a back-up. But in others, the work is nuanced enough that you’re the person best equipped to think through how back-up needs to work (and that’s particularly likely to be the case here because your boss is new to managing you).

The Liberal Party has fallen a teeny tiny little bit behind the Conservatives in the polls. And with an election possibly imminent Liberals insiders are reportedly telling PM Trudeau that he can’t win. But we say that is pure hogwash. Here are 10 simple ways the Liberals can still win the next election. 10. We […]

The post 10 ways the Liberals can still win the next election appeared first on The Beaverton.

As a member of the media, I believe that Vice President Kamala Harris owes the American people an explanation for changing her 2020 position on Medicare for All. Without transparency from our political candidates, voters cannot make an informed choice at the ballot box in November.

What? Oh yeah, I guess Trump has evolved a little bit on a few issues too. Whatever. We can’t let that distract us from the important thing, which is that Kamala Harris must explain herself in a sit-down interview at the time and place of my choosing (and if Walz is there again, I’m going to scream). After all, democracy dies in darkness.

Okay, fine. I’ll admit Trump has completely reversed himself on abortion, immigration, cryptocurrency, and TikTok. And that’s just this year. You want to know why I’m not constantly asking him to explain himself? I mean, come on, have you heard what comes out of the guy’s mouth when you ask him a question?

Recently, somebody wanted to know what he was going to do to make child care more affordable, and this is what he said:

“Well, I would do that, and we’re sitting down—you know, I was, somebody, we had Sen. Marco Rubio, and my daughter Ivanka was so impactful on that issue. It’s a very important issue. But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that—because, look, child care is child care. It’s, couldn’t, you know, there’s something, you have to have it—in this country, you have to have it.”

My head hurts just looking at that. I feel like I just watched the damn video from The Ring. How am I supposed to turn a whack-job word salad like that into something resembling a coherent response?

What do you mean that’s not my job? I’m pretty sure it is. If I print that word-for-word and somebody reads it and has a stroke, I could get sued.

Look, just between you and me, it’s almost like Trump’s mind is visibly deteriorating before our very eyes, and he’s too old and mentally unfit to be president. Ha ha, that would be crazy, right?

Anyway, for real, Joe Biden is too old and mentally unfit to run for president.

Yeah, I guess I don’t really need to say that anymore. Except… hey, wait a second, maybe Kamala Harris owes us an explanation for that one too?

Why didn’t she come out and make a public statement about how much her current boss sucks? What is she hiding? We, The People, deserve to know. This is another question that must be asked at the sit-down interview, which will take place in [rolls dice] Warren, Arkansas, on [rolls dice] October 17 at [rolls dice] 6:47 a.m.

And if Harris doesn’t show up, she’s dodging the media. Indeed, from the moment she launched her campaign, the vice president has avoided all unscripted moments. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is unwilling—or, as seems increasingly likely, no longer able—to read, so every moment is, by definition, unscripted.

Like, remember when he thought Elon Musk’s name was “Leon” or when he claimed he was in a helicopter crash that never happened? Those are the kind of unscripted moments voters should be made aware of. (But not specifically, because if we talk about them too much, we’ll get accused of bias. And one thing we, the media, are not, is biased for or against any particular candidate.)

Anyway, long story short, I give Kamala Harris four Pinocchios.

How many Pinocchios does Trump get? Listen, if we kept giving the guy Pinocchios every time he lied, that would be thousands upon thousands of Pinocchios. We only have four Pinocchios. Therefore, Trump gets no Pinocchios.

You seem preoccupied with this so-called double standard, but you’ve got to understand that if we keep this up, conservatives will definitely start trusting the news media again.

Look, I’m not even the person you should be asking. Honestly, I think you should ask Vice President Harris why we’re doing this. In fact, I would go so far as to say that for the sake of our republic, she owes us the truth.

I mean, I guess you could ask Trump, but you’ll probably get five solid minutes of dementia improv about Hannibal Lecter performing gender-reassignment surgery on a cat in Ohio.

Yawn. Same old, same old. Who cares, right?

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I am a manager, and I’ve heard you speak many times about how the best gift to a manager is a personal note about how the work we’ve done is appreciated by those who report to us. I wanted to share an experience I have recently had that underscores your point.

I have a staff member who has been with my team for about three years, and he’s been great! Unfortunately, he’s outgrown his current position, and my organization is not in a position to support him in his next steps. With my blessing (and reference), he received a new position making about 50% more than he’s making here, and taking a significant step up in his career. On his last day, he gave me a bottle of my alcoholic beverage of choice, with the explanation that every time the team has gone out for drinks, I’ve paid since I’m “the boss” and that now that I’m not, he can buy the drinks.

More importantly, he included a letter with the gift, and it’s one I will keep forever. It cited specifics about how I supported him and helped him to grow and learn in his position. How my trust in him helped him to achieve more than he had realized he could do. How without a manager like me, he would not have made it to the next step. He talked about how he had discussed the new position with a family member, and that person had said they’d never had a boss like he’d described — and how lucky he had been to be a part of my team. It was nearly a full page, and it made me cry good tears. Forget the (very nice) bottle of liquor — that letter meant everything! I’m very sorry to see him go, and I’m very happy that I could help him find his next step when I couldn’t.

P.S. When he was interviewing, I pointed him to Ask A Manager, in particular for questions he can ask in interviews to make sure he would be okay with the culture of whatever next organization he considered.

Yes! This is the way.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’ve read your advice that two weeks’ notice before quitting is the professional standard, because it “provides time for you to wrap up projects and transition them to whoever will be covering them in the interim.” In general, I agree.

But what about in situations where you couldn’t possibly “wrap up” anything with two years’ notice, much less two weeks? And there is literally nobody who could possibly cover your job duties? Imagine your usual bad company, where they hire a lot of staff in the wrong positions and never enough in the critical ones. Where there ends up being one, solitary, guy who maintains all the critical infrastructure, despite years of begging for more help. Who’s been on-call at all hours of the day, 24/7/365, for a decade. (Vacations? Hah! What are those?!) Where the pay and benefits are mediocre at best. Where the boss never gives a damn about you or the miracles you perform every week to keep things working … unless something breaks and then it’s all your fault. The usual B.S. And of course, it’s not like they would try and do much to fix things in that two weeks, either. They’ve ignored you for a decade; they’re not gonna see the light now.

So why not just say “I quit!” and walk out the door at that point?

I mean, there’s always the delight of the schadenfreude as a balm for the abused soul. But there’s also just getting out before you go entirely mad, too. And why subject yourself to two weeks of passive-aggressive victim-blaming at that point, either?

What factors would you consider acceptable or unacceptable to help make that decision to go full Joanna over your flair?

You should give two weeks notice because it’s the professional convention and it’s generally considered a bridge-burning move not to.

There are some exceptions to this:

* If circumstances make it impossible — for example, you need to leave immediately because of a health issue, family crisis, etc.

* If your company has a track record of having resigning employees leave immediately and not paying them for their notice periods.

* If you’re very new to the job. Sometimes in that case it will still make sense to offer two weeks if they want it, but not always. (More here.)

* If you’re not being paid and it’s not a volunteer job.

* If you’ve been egregiously mistreated. The bar for this is pretty high, though; the stuff in your letter probably wouldn’t qualify. (In contrast, here’s an example of a situation that did.) The problems in your letter are a reason to leave, but not a reason to burn the bridge by not giving any notice.

If you leave without notice just because you’re annoyed and fed up … well, you’re still allowed to do that. But you should be aware that you’ll be burning the bridge. You might think you don’t care about that, but it’s something that’s highly likely to come up in future reference checks (formal as well as informal ones) and a lot of employers will get alarmed by that. It can also get you marked as ineligible for rehire, which also concerns reference-checkers. You might even find it affects how coworkers see you, not just your managers; even people you consider allies can be less likely to recommend for you for a job later on if they’re uneasy about how you left.

Typically, when you’ve stuck out a situation like the one you described for years already, it’s in your best interests to just deal with two more weeks of it so that you leave on decent terms. Two weeks is nothing, particularly when you know you’re on your way out and don’t need to care about any of it anymore.

Your point that your company won’t use those two weeks to transition your work doesn’t change any of this. Because again, it’s about professional convention. We can say that convention sucks and should change, but it’s still the convention for now and if you flout it, it can come with repercussions. It doesn’t matter if we think it should or not; for now, leaving with no notice without one of the reasons above still reads as an F-you.

You might decide that you want to deliver that F-you, and you’ve considered the risks and are willing to accept them. If so, so be it! That’s your call. But go into it with your eyes open about the potential consequences.

Headlines

• Francine will likely produce flash flooding, particularly in Alabama and Tennessee over the next couple days.
• We recap Francine below with info on how AI modeling did and why New Orleans saw worse conditions than expected earlier in the day.
• The Atlantic looks more active than it actually is, with two invests that should not develop and one depression that may become a named storm and stay out at sea.
• A subtropical or tropical system may form off the Southeast coast next week.

Thanks to folks in Louisiana that followed along with us through Francine, and we hope you’ll spread the word and stick with us. We did experiment with a new format yesterday by updating the AM post instead of pushing new posts all day. Any feedback is appreciated.

Francine recap

With Francine down to depression status and dissipating, I want to just point out a couple odds and ends related to the storm.

Current forecast

The rainfall forecast for the rest of the week is pretty stout in the Southeast, with as much as 6 to 8 inches of rain possible across portions of Alabama and Tennessee.

Flash flooding and localized severe weather will be the primary impacts of Francine’s remnants over the interior. A good idea to remain weather aware, particularly between Birmingham and Huntsville due to flooding.

AI modeling & ICON scores a big win

I went through and assessed the 15 model runs leading up to landfall from various models with Francine. Keep in mind that the landfall point is not the only variable that matters, but it’s an important one. And one thing you cannot tolerate as a forecaster is a lot of whipping around within the models. Enter the European AI model, the AIFS. Here are the 15 runs leading up to landfall with Francine:

This is a remarkable feat of stability. The AIFS showed landfall between Vermilion Bay and Grand Isle run after run after run. Ultimately, it came in on the eastern half of that spread, but the consistency was some of the best I have ever seen with respect to a tropical system. The timing and intensity bounced around a bit, but not so much as to make the tool useless. It had immense value, and it’s one of the reasons we were very bullish about this not being a serious Texas concern. This was a lesson learned from Beryl. And not to be outdone, the ICON also showed a healthy amount of stability run to run in terms of track.

While the ICON kept western Louisiana in play for a while, it too corrected east in time. This, combined with its performance during Beryl (as well as last week with Invest 90L) made it another valuable tool. Will these models fail in the future? Yes, all models do. And the ICON remains prone to spurious tropical systems that never end up happening. But at this point, I think there’s a lesson to be taken from this as a meteorologist. particularly when the models show this sort of stability. The GFS and Euro operational model (and the ensemble guidance) also performed respectably, but those models showed less consistency run to run than did the ICON and AIFS.

Last minute lurch to New Orleans

In yesterday’s morning post, we noted the forecast for New Orleans showed maximum wind gusts forecast to be 57 mph. They gusted to 78 mph. The reason was twofold. First, the storm had a quick late burst of intensification (in the face of wind shear no less) on approach to landfall. This led to an eastward shift at the last minute. Instead of coming in right at Atchafalaya Bay, it came in a more of a slanted angle just east of there. This, coupled with the stronger intensity pushed the eyewall into the New Orleans metro area leading to wind gusts of 60 to 80 mph. Hurricane forecasting remains imperfect.

Of note, thus far the highest wind gust I have seen is 96 mph in Dulac, LA. There were two 100 mph gusts south of Burns Point, LA, but those I believe were on elevated oil platforms which would have higher winds than at surface level. The highest rain total was in Mandeville, at just over 9 inches. New Orleans saw over 8 inches in the city. Officially, they reported 7.33 inches at the airport, the 9th wettest day on record there.

Atlantic action amplifies

Turning our attention back to current matters, let’s take a look at the Atlantic this afternoon.

There are two invest, a tropical depression, and an area to watch in the Atlantic today. We’ll cover the area to watch below. But in the meantime, Invests 92L and 94L just east of the Caribbean are not really of any concern. Those should dissipate before acquiring the ability to develop. So nothing to see here right now.

Meanwhile, Tropical Depression 7 will probably make an attempt to become Tropical Storm Gordon, which somehow hasn’t been retired, despite being used since 1994 in perhaps its most memorable iteration. But Gordo will probably remain out at sea.

Otherwise, the Atlantic is quiet for now.

Southeast system next week?

Things may get interesting next week, to an extent, off the Southeast coast as a remnant cold front could help spawn a disturbance off the Florida, Georgia, or South Carolina coast.

Exactly how this evolves is a bit tricky since remnant fronts tend to be a little difficult to exactly predict. But in general, watch for a disturbance to form off the Southeast coast. Because it’s forming from a front, it would probably be non-tropical or “subtropical” in nature. It may have some time to develop into a tropical system over the Southeast coast’s warm waters early next week before likely coming ashore somewhere in the Carolinas. Intensity-wise, it’s a bit early to get too cutesy, but this would probably be slow to organize and develop, so it would probably be a tropical storm at most. But regardless, watch for heavy rain risk next week in the Southeast due to this system. More to come.

We will leave it there for now, but tomorrow we’ll talk a bit more about the longer-range and why things may start getting busy again by the end of September.

Taylor Swift came out in support of Vice President Kamala Harris in the race for president, ending speculation about whether the superstar singer would share her political views ahead of November’s election. What do you think?

“Yeah, but it’s the weight of her influence against that of Jon Voight’s.”

Ruth Arellano, Data Scroller

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“Well I guess I’m not making up with my daughters this year.”

Hector Mola, Mug Customizer

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“I doubt Americans care what the most popular person in the world thinks about politics.”

Evan Lusky, Professional Eater

The post Taylor Swift Endorses Harris appeared first on The Onion.

“A Midwestern town grappling with the fallout from an influx of Haitian immigrants became a focal point for racist and xenophobic memes this week after Trump’s running mate, Sen. JD Vance (Ohio), claimed Monday that in Springfield, Ohio, people ‘have had their pets abducted and eaten by people who shouldn’t be in this country.’” — Washington Post

7:30 a.m. The alarm rings on my phone. My home screen’s background? A picture of an adorable Cavapoo named Lucky. He was so cute, I could eat him up. Which I did. I hit snooze. Chompin’ on pretty pups can wait.

7:40 a.m: The alarm rings again. This time I do get up and go to the bathroom. I dread what comes next: I stand on the scale. Oof. It’s… as we say in my “shithole” country… no bueno. I’ve gained thirty-two pounds since I moved to America. My mom back home says it’s because the pets in America are so ultraprocessed. I’m starting to think she’s right. Back home, I was slurpin’ two full Pomeranians a day and never broke two hundred pounds.

8:00 a.m. I’m running late, so I have no time for breakfast. Your neighbor’s wife’s cousin’s karate instructor’s cat, Minnie, will have to wait. I dress, grab a cereal bar, and dash out the door.

8:20 a.m. While walking to my car, I see a poster, clearly written by a child, with a picture of a little cat called Pants. The sign says, I’M LOST. I chuckle, No, you’re not. You’re in my belly, silly kitty. Pants tasted fine. Special request, Americans: please feed your pets organic food. Their coats get shinier, and they are much yummier.

8:25 a.m. Driving to work, I realize I forgot to buy eggs. I am always forgetting to buy eggs. I make a mental note to just get a chicken. A pet chicken. Which I will eat before I go to the store to buy eggs.

8:45 a.m. I stop at a coffee shop for my morning matcha. I tip 50 percent. I have so much supplemental income because I don’t spend money on groceries. Except for eggs.

9:00 a.m. Slightly late for my job at the steel mill. It used to be closed because there weren’t enough workers in this town, but now, thanks to an influx of hardworking migrants, the factory has reopened, and the town’s economy is alive and thriving. Unlike the town’s gerbils. I killed them all. Haven’t eaten them yet, though. Waiting for a special occasion.

11:16 a.m. I take a coffee break and scroll through my Instagram. I really need a digital diet. Not a food diet, though: I am going to eat your parrot. I like a photo of my neighbor’s labrador, Bailey. He’s cute but not eatable. Then I watch a reel of a pug who can surf. There are so many wonders in America. God bless this land full of opportunities to consume adorable animals.

11:30 a.m. My boss brings us in for a meeting. He tells us how much he respects our work ethic and wants to reward us with a pizza party. The other workers are kinda into it, but then I raise my hand to say, “What if instead of pizza, you reward with us with a puppy-petting party?” The boss loves my idea. Yum time, suckers.

1:30 p.m. Lunch break. I have a hot dog. Just a weiner—not a real dog. I don’t just eat pets. Afterward, I take a walk around a park and see a mother duck and her ducklings make their way out of a pond. What a country!

2:00 p.m. I stuff the ducks in the trunk of my car, which I acquired thanks to President Biden’s socialist program that takes vehicles from citizens and gives them to undocumented immigrants. Since there are so many more citizens than immigrants, I have like fifteen cars now. Today I am driving my every-other-Thursday car.

2:15 p.m. Back to work.

3:15 p.m. I clock out early because it is time for my taxpayer-funded migrant sex-change operation.

3:45 p.m. I arrive at the Kamala Harris Communist-Only Immigrants Prison Clinic and Fentanyl Distribution Center. I am supposed to be on an empty stomach before the surgery, but I am really peckish. I have some gummy worms. Also, some earthworms. Look, some kids have weird pets, but it is my duty to eat them.

3:55 p.m. Surgery begins.

6:35 p.m. I wake up in a daze. During the surgery, I had a dream where I moved here to eat normal food. So weird! I am an immigrant and do things that immigrants do, right? Why would I eat the plethora of dishes available at every Walmart, Target, Cracker Barrel, Wendy’s, McDonald’s, and bodega? I am different, and I am other; I exist only as an excuse for angry divorced men and married women in swing states. They can’t possibly blame corporate America and their own politicians for feeling left out. They must blame me. Sure, I work at the mill, but existing so they can hold me responsible for their misery is my real job.

7:02 p.m. While driving home, I get hungry again. I have possum, dog, cat, rat, hamster, toad, clownfish, three guinea pigs, and 117 gerbils I can eat. But, ugh, I just don’t want to cook. I had a long day of eating pets and getting free socialized medicine and sex-reassignment surgeries paid for by taxpayers. And tomorrow, I gotta do it all over again. Then I see it: a drive-thru Papa John’s. I consider it for a minute.

7:03 p.m. I skip Papa John’s and head home. I mean, I eat pets, but I won’t eat just anything.

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I wonder if any supervillains read Nudge?

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It's at its best when it interrupts a speech every twelve syllables.

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On the plus side we can harvest them so future Martians can have microbeads in their soap.

Meow Wolf, an arts and entertainment company with locations in various cities, has announced the Houston location, Radio Tave, will open on Friday, October 31, 2024.

Exhibition detail of Meow Wolf Houston’s “Radio Tave.” Image courtesy of Meow Wolf. Photo by Tarick Foteh

Radio Tave is Meow Wolf’s newest permanent immersive exhibition and is located in Houston’s historic Fifth Ward. While there are connecting elements among Meow Wolf’s exhibitions, each is unique. The Houston location takes the shape of a radio station. 

A press release explained, “Radio Tave stands out as an experience unlike anything Meow Wolf has created before. Visitors will step into an exhibition where an entire radio station has been transported to another dimension, revealing a labyrinth of paths, portals, and hidden doors, all filled with interactive mysteries for guests to solve. The space features dozens of rooms, designed by more than 100 artists — over 50 of whom are based in Texas.”

Exhibition detail of Meow Wolf Houston’s “Radio Tave.” Image courtesy of Meow Wolf. Photo by Tarick Foteh

Susie Cowan, Meow Wolf’s Senior Creative Producer, added, “The visuals and soundscapes of Radio Tave are on another level. Visitors will be immersed in a rich, multi-sensory experience that invites them to explore a world that feels both vast and deeply personal.”

Cowboix Hevvven at Meow Wolf Houston. Photo by Kate Russell, courtesy of Meow Wolf.

Last month Meow Wolf announced that the Houston location will also feature a bar and restaurant called Cowboix Hevven. This space combines cowboy culture with surreal elements characteristic of the organization.

Jose Tolosa, CEO of Meow Wolf, commented, “Houston is a powerhouse of creativity, and our artists and collaborators have been channeling that electric energy into this exhibition for years. They’ve taken it to the next level, capturing the city’s vibrancy in every corner of the experience. We can’t wait for you to step inside and explore it for yourself.”

Houston Portal Passes, an annual season pass to the exhibition, are currently available for purchase. Pre-sale tickets for Portal Pass holders will become available on September 17 and pre-sale tickets for Meow Wolf email subscribers will go on sale on September 24. The general public will have access to purchase tickets beginning October 1. Visit the Meow Wolf website to purchase tickets and learn more. 

The post Meow Wolf Reveals Name and Opening Date of Houston Location appeared first on Glasstire.

“In Tuesday’s presidential debate, former President Donald Trump again falsely claimed that Democrats support abortions ‘after birth’ and ‘executing’ babies.” — NPR, 9/11/24

Concrete Shoe Baby Booties
The little tyke can go either to the top of your expense list or to the bottom of the Hudson.

The Wicker Man Bee Helmet
If someone asks how your abortion was carried out, tell ’em it’s none of their bees-ness.

Baby Plinko
The baby is dropped into a special Price Is Right Plinko machine, where it wins $10,000 or lands on a cobra.

Stone Cold Stunner
For a few extra bucks, Stone Cold will pour a beer on your baby and give it a double bird salute.

Dagger Mobile
It’s just like any other mobile, until the timer goes off.

My First Guillotine by Fisher Price
Just line up the two holes, push out a baby, and pull on a lever.

Rube Goldberg Execution Machine
Look, there’s too much to explain. Just know that at the end, the putter hits the baby right in the face.

Grenade Pacifier
Keep your baby quiet. Real quiet.

Infanti-Sidearm
Moms give their baby a single kiss, then a double tap.

Gutfeld-Assisted Suicide
Babies watch Gutfeld! till they can’t take anymore and reach for the bottle of pills velcroed to their bib.

Spike Pit Dunk Tank
Nurses take turns throwing a beanbag at the target. The winner doesn’t get triple-shifted in the next pandemic.

AR-15
The baby leaves the hospital, grows up, then attends school in a country with no gun-control laws.

Houston’s historic River Oaks Theatre, which has been closed since March 2021, has announced that it will reopen on Thursday, October 3, 2024.

The closing of the theater was due in part to the COVID-19 pandemic, which affected many restaurants, movie theaters, and other service industries. However, ultimately the art-house cinema chain Landmark Theatres, which operated the River Oaks Theatre, was unable to come to an agreement with the then-owners of the River Oaks Shopping Center regarding negotiations for rent.

River Oaks Theatre marquee. Image credit: Corey Watson

In 2022, Culinary Khancepts, an affiliate of the Houston-based Star Cinema Grill, acquired the theater and announced that it would be reopening the space. At the time, a reopening date was not announced. Regarding the delay, a representative of the theater told Glasstire, “The process to reopen the River Oaks Theatre was a challenging road. There were many factors that contributed to the delays, but mainly it was the unknown things you encounter in 85-year-old buildings, along with working through the process of proper historical preservation and restoration.”

In a press release, Omar Khan, the President/CEO of Culinary Khancepts, commented, “This project holds a special place in our hearts. As the only Houston-owned and operated cinema chain, and with a deep connection to the city, we were uniquely positioned to preserve this historic theater. We are incredibly proud and grateful to have played a role in saving such a cherished venue. It would have been unthinkable for Houston to lose this beloved art house.”

The newly renovated theater will offer a variety of films, including independent, arthouse, and classic movies. The grand opening will feature Joker: Folie à Deux, the highly anticipated sequel to Todd Phillips’ 2019 Joker film. Other special events include a 50th-anniversary screening of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, screenings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show with live shadowcast performances, and a preview of The Herricanes, a documentary about Houston’s all-female football team. 

See the full list of upcoming films and purchase tickets at the River Oaks Theatre website. The first 800 guests to watch a movie on opening day will receive an exclusive keepsake, a custom gold coin. The keepsake is inspired by an early 1900s tradition when movie theaters awarded the first patron a gift of gold.

The post River Oaks Theatre to Reopen in October appeared first on Glasstire.

In brief: Following a period of rainy weather, a cool front, and some lower temperatures due to the passage of Hurricane Francine, Houston is going back into the mid-90s this weekend. Moreover, pretty much all of next week looks fairly hot and sunny. It won’t be August-hot, but after a taste of cooler temperatures it will be plenty hot.

The return of summer

It may be difficult to remember, but not all that long ago Houston recorded seven straight days of 100-degree temperatures. That period of peak summer ended 21 days ago. That’s when, during the last week of August, we started to transition into a rainy pattern, with high temperatures of around 90 degrees or below most days. Then we got our first fall front, and the passage of Hurricane Francine allowed the trend of cooler days to continue into this week.

As a result the Houston region has had about three weeks of cooler than normal days (nights have been more in line with climate normals, except for a few nights after the front). Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed it. Because high pressure is back, baby, and it’s bringing summer with it. We’re not returning to the days of 100-degree temperatures, but we are going to jump back into a period of substantially hotter days. I’m not sure when it will end.

Thursday

Today will be something of a transition day, with high temperatures of around 90 degrees or a bit higher. We should start out partly to mostly cloudy in the morning, but by afternoon we should see clearing skies and light northwest winds. Lows will drop into the lower 70s for most of the metro area.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

There won’t be much to distinguish these days. All three should see mostly sunny skies, with temperatures solidly in the mid-90s for most locations away from the coast. This is fairly warm for mid-September in Houston, but certainly we often see these kinds of warm stretches this month. It’s not as bad as August, but it’s still pretty hot, and sometimes excruciatingly so in September as we eagerly await the onset of fall. But for those who like summer, and I know there are some of you thermophiles out there, this is a good opportunity for water outdoor activities before things cool off. Nights will only drop into the mid-70s. Humidity will be pretty high, but not as high as it gets during the peak of summer. Rain chances will be close to zero over the weekend.

Next week

The ridge retreats a bit next week, and this may allow for some slight rain chances on Monday, maybe in the 20 percent range. Still, most of next week looks pretty sunny, and highs are going to be in the low 90s most days, with the possibility of a few mid-90s here and there. So yeah, pretty hot and mostly rain-free probably. Our next front may be in the cards about 12 days from now, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

Tropics

Francine has moved inland, and while there are a lot of tropical blobs out there, right now it looks as though none of them are coming toward the Gulf of Mexico. We just need that pattern to hold on for a few more weeks…

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’ve read the many times you’ve talked about how to not annoy hiring managers or badger them, but I’m wondering if I’m finding my situation a little too annoying.

We’re hiring for a very specific type of job that requires a skill set that we don’t have the time or resources to train someone on. It’s pretty clear in the job posting too! The day we put up the ad, a woman come in and asked to speak with me. It turned out she worked for a nonprofit that helps adults with developmental disabilities get jobs. She gave me the name and resume of someone, Ferguson, and told me how he’d be a great fit, etc. I took the information and thanked her. Ferguson then submitted his resume; however, he didn’t have the skill set needed.

We hadn’t replied to any applicants yet and then two days later the woman called me. I wasn’t around so she left a voicemail. In it she told me again that Ferguson was a good person for the job, and they requested that I at least interview him so I can see his full potential. On one hand, I totally get this is her job, but I felt it was a little off-putting and actually made me feel bad. Even if it gave Ferguson experience, I don’t really have the time to interview someone I know isn’t going to be a good fit. And I felt like it would give him false hope.

I was off for the rest of the week and didn’t call her back, so she left two additional voicemails stating the same thing, that they would really appreciate it if we interviewed him and it would be really great if we gave him a chance.

Am I off-base in feeling like it was a bit icky to keep calling me? I get coming in and handing me the resume, that was fine, even the follow-up phone call was alright, but I didn’t care for the pressure she was trying to put me under just to interview him. She kept stressing that this job would be important to him and that he was a really good person. Which I’m sure he is!

Should I have called her back? I feel like I would have nothing to say to her, besides thanking her. Or would it have been better to have told her up-front that Ferguson didn’t have the skill set required for the job? Do you think her approach is tanking Ferguson’s chances at a job elsewhere too? I’m torn — I admire the nonprofit and their assistance but at the same time, I’d rather not be guilted into interviewing someone!

(If it matters, Ferugson himself never contacted me. If they had asked for feedback on his resume/cover letter, I’d be happy to provide it. There’s nothing wrong with either of them; it really is the fact that he’s just not the qualified for the job!)

I really feel terrible not calling her back, but I honestly have no idea what to say especially since it’s not her applying and I’d feel weird giving her information on someone else’s status too.

Yeah, that’s not a useful way for this kind of organization to work.

The initial contact was fine. It shouldn’t have been in-person unless you made it clear that you’re one of the rare organizations that welcomes that — most find that annoying and generally won’t talk to people who try to do that — but otherwise it was fine.

I’d even be okay with one follow-up after that. In general, in most fields I wouldn’t recommend that candidates follow up on job applications — the employer knows you’re interested, it’s in their court, and they’ll contact you if they want to talk further — but in this set of circumstances, where her job is to advocate for a disabled client, sure.

But the continued phone calls and the insistence that Ferguson was a great person for the job when your ad made it clear that was unlikely to be the case was too much, and was at least as likely to undermine Ferguson’s chances as it was to help him.

I’m also concerned this organization — or at least this particular employee — isn’t particularly good at the services they’re providing! It doesn’t make sense to put resources into pushing a client for a job they’re not qualified for. And someone doing that work needs a nuanced understanding of hiring and which approaches will be effective and which won’t be, and that framing an interview as a favor is not the way to go. I have no doubt it’s difficult work, but it’s a disservice to their clients not to better target their pitches and to use strategies more likely to get someone hired.

I do think you should have called her back and told her that Ferguson wasn’t qualified for the role or sent him a note letting him know that — or ideally told her that up-front when she first showed you his resume. I hear you on feeling weird giving out information on someone else’s application status, but these were special circumstances, where she was functioning as his rep for a specific reason.

But otherwise, no, I don’t think you’re off-base.

CINCINNATI—Saying the new product offered its customers a way to clean up after-dinner messes with 100% less scrubbing, the dishwashing brand Dawn announced Thursday it would begin selling a small silver bell for summoning a butler to deal with the dishes. “Finally, a powerful dish bell that’s tough on grease but gentle on your ears,” a press release from Dawn read in part, describing how the hand-cast pewter bell lets out a delicate jingle specially formulated to cut through background noise and reach the ear of a household servant, whether they’re in the salon, the atrium, the drawing room, the study, or their quarters at the back of the property. “No matter how bad the mess, simply ring this bell to call for a classically trained butler to emerge from the scullery and begin showing off the talents he mastered at a stately mansion in the Welsh countryside. Protect your soft, supple hands from the curse of labor and never again strain your voice while shouting for your manservant. Give the Dawn bell a dainty shake and consider the dishes done.” At press time, Dawn announced a limited release of brass bells for summoning a different butler to polish the silver bell.

The post Dawn Unveils New Small Silver Bell For Summoning Butler To Deal With Dishes appeared first on The Onion.

In celebration of the series’s 25th anniversary, HBO has released Wise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew. The Onion shares the most shocking takeaways from the documentary.

• David Chase originally wrote The Sopranos as a feature film: Only when he did the math did he realize eight years of money was way more than one year of money.
• Edie Falco was a last-minute addition: The role of Carmela Soprano was originally supposed to be played by James Gandolfini in a wig.
• Tony Soprano dies at the end of his life: Though Chase doesn’t specify when it happens, he finally does let it drop that Tony Soprano’s death does come at some point during the end of the character’s existence on Earth.
• The ducks are a metaphor for geese: The famous ducks in Tony’s pool actually symbolize a totally different species of waterfowl.
• There were no pranks: You’d think that on a long-running show like that there would be at least a couple fun on-set pranks. What a bunch of self-serious assholes. 
• Paulie Walnuts was operated by three puppeteers simultaneously: The Emmy Award-winning animatronic is considered one of the Jim Henson Company’s finest achievements.
• Mom canceled the family Max subscription: Cheapskate.
• HBO created Sunday as a new way to market the show: Much of the show’s success can be traced back to HBO having the only show available to watch during this brand new time slot. 
• James Gandolfini performed his own stunts: Every time Gandolfini is seen eating cold pasta from the fridge, it’s really him, not a stunt double.
• In the season finale ending, the viewer is meant to assume Tony has been circumcised: This theory has been all but confirmed by the show’s creators.  

The post Most Shocking Takeaways From HBO’s New ‘Sopranos’ Documentary appeared first on The Onion.

The post Our Devices: They’re Listening, Sure, But Do They Really Get Us? appeared first on The Onion.

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But you should see what happened to the first-born.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss reprimanded them for not answering an email in four minutes? Here’s the update.

Your response was really helpful. Martha had already fucked with my head so much that she really had me doubting myself — so much so, that I honestly thought you might take her side and ask me, “But why did it take you four whole minutes to answer the email?” So for you and the commenters to reassure me that yes, she was being unreasonable was really helpful.

As for an update … reader, she fired me.

Yes, I took your advice and started looking for a new job. She fired me before I could find one. The four-minute email happened about a month after I started, and I got fired just under the three-month mark. The reason given was that I was making too many mistakes and that they couldn’t trust me with my assignments. I’m curious how it’s going with my replacement, if things like accidentally saving a draft to the wrong folder (in your first month at a new job) qualify as fireable offenses.

I did mess up sometimes — more than I normally do. But I think it’s because of how Martha treated me. She was so volatile that I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions (and she also would just disappear fairly often — she can disappear for three hours, I’m in trouble for missing a phone call because I was using the restroom), so a lot of times I had to make my best guess (and yes, amazingly, my best guess was ALWAYS wrong!) She was always coming after me with artificially compressed deadlines, so I usually had to send her work without having the amount of time I’d prefer to proofread, double-check, etc. Sometimes I thought she was moving the goalposts. Often, she would say, “I told you to do X, not Y” and I’d think (though I’d never say it out loud, lest I face her wrath) “I … don’t think you did, actually.” And, sometimes it was 100% clear that she was just inventing reasons to berate me (see, e.g., four-minute email).

When I got the email that I wrote to you about, I knew deep down that she was just never going to let up. Clearly, she would find something to criticize whether I did something wrong or not, and in the end probably fire me (or bully me until I quit). That played out many times in the weeks before my firing. If I made a minor mistake, she lost her mind. If I didn’t make a mistake, she would invent one. For example, she would email me to say things like, “The meeting has been over for 30 minutes; by this point you should have emailed me to ask what our next steps are.” (Maybe, but see above re: hesitancy to initiate contact with volatile boss who finds fault with everything I say or do.) I absolutely couldn’t win and it was just a horrible, stressful, demoralizing experience.

The good news is that I did find another job that I’m much happier with, though the first few weeks were VERY tough as I tried to put the experience with Martha behind me. I was afraid to ask questions, thought I was about to be fired every time I made a mistake, etc. But as time went by and it became clear to me that I was now working with reasonable people, it got much better. While I didn’t get out in time, I’m grateful for you and the commenters because, as I said, it helped me to keep some perspective in the face of a person doing her best to destroy my faith in my basic competency. I really wish this hadn’t happened to me, and while I’m happy in my new job (and it’s a bump in both title and salary — I actually now have Martha’s job title — seriously, suck it, Martha) I would never say “it happened for a reason” or that I’m grateful for it in any way. The fact that someone could bully me like this, be 100% in the wrong, fire me, and get away with all of it is really hard to accept. But all I can do is look forward.

2024 Presidential Debate
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
September 10, 2024

9:01 PM: The candidates enter. Vice President Kamala Harris walks up decisively to former President Donald Trump, introduces herself, and extends her hand to shake. Trump tells her to have fun and looks around expectantly to see when the actual candidate he will be debating will arrive.

9:02 PM: Moderators Linsey Davis and David Muir introduce the debate participants and note that there will be no audience in attendance because security advised there wasn’t a way to prevent Philadelphians from smuggling in hoagies. They ask the candidates to, whenever possible, inhabit the same universe, one that reflects general reality. Harris smiles. Trump squints.

9:03 PM: Davis begins the debate by focusing on a critical topic for most Americans: the economy. She asks Harris if she believes Americans are better off now than they were four years ago. Harris responds warmly and directly by ignoring the question and instead shares her plans for tax credits for families and small businesses. In a rare act of restraint, Trump waits until he’s called on and then replies with a string of unrelated words that include “tariffs,” “border,” and various Anthony Hopkins roles. His eyes, small black raisins nestled between pink caterpillar lids, shrink slightly further back into his skull. Harris then accuses Trump of wanting to implement Project 2025, a right-wing blueprint for the next Republican president. This causes Trump’s mouth and neck to frown simultaneously. “She knows better than anyone that I have nothing to do with Project 2025,” he says. “I haven’t read it, I’m not going to read it, everyone knows I can’t read. I’m told it has some good ideas, but I don’t read. Harris has no plan at all. Her plan is Run Spot Run. I did read that one. It is very good. The dog has to run away probably because of the illegal immigrants coming for it, you know, but it’s a very good book, very smart stuff. I talked to the best professors, and they said I’m the best reader, and I get all the star stickers.”

9:16 PM: Davis asks Trump why women trust him on abortion. Trump responds, “I did a great service. I am tremendous, and the people want the states to choose. The Democrats want to kill babies after the ninth month, they want to execute babies.” Davis replies in monotone, “There is no state in this country where it is legal to kill a baby after it is born.” Harris does a spit-take despite not having had a drink. Davis continues, “Would you veto a national abortion ban?” Trump’s eyes narrow further, creating a black void where the raisin eyes were, small circles of unseeing antimatter in an orange-tinted sea. “I won’t have to,” he responds, adding, “She just lies. It reminds me of her boss, if you call him a boss, he spends all his time at the beach. Some people are saying his job is the beach.” Davis asks flatly, “Do you think Vice President Harris has a boss whose job is the beach? Do you believe Ken, the doll from the Barbie universe, is the vice president’s boss?” Trump answers, “I don’t say anything. Many people tell me he’s just Ken, but I don’t know. I don’t know, they might be right. The beach is—” Davis cuts Trump’s mic.

9:21 PM: Staying on the topic of abortion, Davis says to Trump, “Your running mate, J. D. Vance, has said you would veto a national ban if it came to your desk.” Trump responds, “Who?” Davis repeats, “He is your running mate.” “Oh, that guy, god, he’s weird, but you know I don’t talk to him, but he might have his thoughts, and that’s okay, that’s okay. You know, I thought his name was Jay Defense, and I said, ‘That’s a big guy, Jay Defense, a big huge guy,’ and they said, ‘Sir, sir, it’s J. D. Vance,’ and that’s not as good, is it, folks? But that’s okay, I don’t judge.” Trump hunches forward in a vaguely melting fashion. Muir nods, “Thank you.”

9:26 PM: Responding to a question about the border, Harris smiles and pulls out a fishing rod, “I’m going to invite you to attend one of Donald Trump’s rallies,” she says, baiting the hook with a tiny dangling television tuned to Bravo. “He’ll talk about characters like Hannibal Lecter and windmills causing cancer to small crowds, and people leave these rallies early out of exhaustion.” She casts the TV so that it hangs just above Trump’s head. He jumps for it, but she pulls it away. Clearly agitated, he exclaims, “No one goes to her rallies! She doesn’t have any friends, and no one likes her, and my dad bought my whole birthday party, and you have to come, or else he’ll put you in jail.” Harris stares directly at Trump, smiles, and recasts. Trump, frenzied, says, “In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the cats! They’re eating your pets!” David Muir nods, “Thank you. I just want to clarify we have reached out to the town of Springfield, and they say there are no credible reports of pets being harmed.” Trump continues jumping for the fishing line, “Santa’s Little Helper is in trouble! They’re doing ‘Snowball II,’ ‘Snowball III,’ ‘Snowball 19,’ and more ‘Snowballs’ than you’ve ever seen because of the Bumblebee Man. The people on my television say the dog was eaten, the people on the television!” Muir nods, “I’m not taking this from television.” Harris smiles, reels the TV back, and puts the rod away.

9:41 PM: Muir addresses Harris, “You have heard that President Trump thinks he didn’t lose the election that you and President Biden won.” Harris says, “Trump was fired by eighty-one million people, and clearly, he’s having a very hard time processing that. World leaders are laughing at Donald Trump.” Trump responds, “You know Viktor Orban? Very smart guy, great guy, he loves me, says I could be just like him when I take over and oust all rivals.” The nearly microscopic black holes where his eyes once were widen for a brief second, sucking in joy from anyone still capable of feeling it within a radius of one Wawa.

9:57 PM: After Trump criticizes Obamacare without offering an alternative healthcare plan of his own, Davis asks, “Yes or no, you still do not have a plan?” Trump frantically searches through his Trapper Keeper, “I have concepts of a plan,” he says. “But my dog—Biden’s dog ate it. Commander, what a mongrel. I would like to see the immigrants eat him, actually. It would be very sad, because I love animals. I’ve been to many zoos, folks, but Biden’s dog must pay the price for eating my concepts of a plan.”

10:13 PM: Davis asks Harris why some of her policies have changed over the years. “My values of advocating for what seems politically popular and will get me elected have not changed at all,” Harris answers. “Now, let me just put these various rakes around the stage and allow former President Trump to step on each one.” Trump immediately steps on a rake, which whacks him in the head. “I’m not walking on rakes,” he claims. “She’s walking on rakes!” He takes a step and lands on another rake. “She wants to do all the radical stuff, defund the police, ban fracking. She wants to do transgender operations on illegal immigrants that are in prison.” In the back of the auditorium, a stagehand holding a debate bingo card and a nearly empty bottle of vodka collapses. Trump notices the next rake and turns away, stepping on the first rake yet again. Muir nods, “Thank you.”

10:28 PM: After moving the debate to America’s place on the global stage, Muir presses Trump, asking, “It’s a yes-or-no question: Do you want Ukraine to win the war?” Trump looks down at his phone and responds that Putin still hasn’t texted him back about this, defensively adding, “She’s Biden, and she’s trying to pretend she’s not, but she’s Biden!” Harris shakes her head and sighs, “Clearly, I am not Joe Biden. It must be very scary for you right now. Do you know what year it is? Can you tell me your first name?” Trump’s phone dings, and he happily yelps, “Vlads!” only to melt further into the podium, muttering, “No, sorry, it’s the McDonald’s to-go app. Do you have it? It’s a tremendous app. McDonalds loves me. They have very special deals just for me, only for president me.”

CLOSING STATEMENTS

HARRIS: Tonight, you’ve heard two very different visions for the country, one that is focused on the future and one that is focused on whatever neurons in that egomaniacal head are randomly firing at any given moment. You might like me, and you might not, but I can speak a coherent sentence and am not currently threatening to have anyone killed or incarcerated, which, wildly, is a vast difference from the other person, who has inexplicably been elevated to this stage.

TRUMP: I don’t like her. She’s mean, everyone in here is mean. This is a failing nation that I’m in charge of, and I think I should run against Biden, who is dead. Where is he? We don’t see him. Is he with the Ghostbusters now, you know that one ghost, very sexy, very nice ghost taking the pants off, and they were very mean to the marshmallows, weren’t they? Very mean. I would like to wish everyone, including all haters and losers, of which, sadly, there are many, a truly happy and enjoyable debate. Oh, look, it’s Taylor Swift coming on stage. She loves me.

Taylor Swift, holding a cat, winks at the camera.

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Hovertext:
The arts of course existed before Aristotle was wrong about them.