Cowboy Who?

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

I’m off for a few days. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. One of our bosses got invited to our rowdy beach weekend

I am good friends with three of my coworkers, let’s call them Billy, Goat, and Gruff. The four of us are distributed across three different teams, but we work together a lot on various projects and also hang out with some regularity outside of work. As such, we are planning a big beach weekend getaway in August. We’ve all invited various friends, booked a giant house for the weekend, and have been making plans for a super fun, rowdy weekend of drunken shenanigans (as beach excursions tend to be).

Billy is also friends with Goat and Gruff’s boss, Gabby. Like us, Gabby is in her 30s, friendly, fun, lively, and would logically be friends with all of us if she weren’t Goat and Gruff’s boss. She has been to dinner and drinks with us, and on one occasion the whole group went back to Billy’s house to drink more beer and eventually play a well-known boundary-pushing party card game. We all had fun, but Goat and Gruff both left early-ish, and didn’t drink much (as you’d expect).

This is where it starts to go sideways. Billy, in a fit of generosity, invited Gabby to the beach weekend. Since then, Gabby has asked me for additional details and if there’s room for her to join. My hostess/planner self is screaming that Gabby really, truly cannot come. That there’s a world of difference between the equivalent of a rowdy happy hour with coworkers and a whole weekend of road-tripping, mostly-naked (swimsuits!) heavy-drinking shenanigans, communal living, and collective reckoning with rampant hangovers and sunburn. Regardless, what was a smooth-sailing fun weekend is now embroiled in office hierarchy drama.

It seems to me like my options here are a) ask Billy to tell Gabby not to come, and run the risk that he’ll blame it on Goat and Gruff for being spoilsports, b) be the bad guy myself and tell Gabby that she can’t come, blaming it on my delicate/old-fashioned sensibilities about mixing work dynamics (possibly damaging our relationship in the process), c) pray that she won’t attend, either because her schedule will prohibit or because her sense of decorum kicks in and she decides to bow out, or d) be a terrible hostess, stew in my own stress, and let things play out as they may. I could use some help figuring out how to approach this.

Gabby can’t come. It’s crossing too many professional boundaries for a manager to attend a “rowdy weekend of drunken shenanigans” with two people who report to her. Presumably, Goat and Gruff are going to have to be on guard if she’s there, and it’s just not the weekend you planned. Ideally you’d do choice A — have Billy tell Gabby he didn’t think it through and since it’s going to be a rowdy weekend, he shouldn’t have invited two of the organizers’ boss. If you don’t trust him to do that without blaming Goat and Gruff (despite your explicit instructions), then you need to move to choice B — deliver that message yourself. Do not just hope she won’t attend or suffer in silence.

But really, Billy messed this up and he should fix it.

Read an update to this letter here.

– 2019

2. My coworker is visibly uncomfortable around my service dog

I recently started bringing my service dog to work with me. I went through all the required processes with my supervisor and HR, and found out that one of my neighboring coworkers (I’ll call her Carol) is very scared of dogs. I said I was willing to move desks, but they said it would not be necessary. However, Carol avoids me and my dog, and even refuses to walk within a few feet of my dog. If we’re walking in a hallway towards each other, I have to duck behind a wall or Carol gets visibly scared. I would like to help her be more comfortable around my dog, but don’t want her to feel pressured or coerced. Do you or your readers have any suggestions?

For context, my dog is about 65 pounds and tall. So she doesn’t exactly blend in. I keep her well groomed to make sure she doesn’t smell or shed excessively. She’s very quiet and doesn’t make any fuss.

I don’t know that it’s your place to try to help Carol be more comfortable around dogs unless she expresses an interest in that on her own (although I certainly understand the impulse to want to!). But you could tell her that you’ve noticed she’s uncomfortable around your dog and ask if there’s anything you could do differently to make her more comfortable, or if there are any questions you can answer about your dog that might help put her more at ease.

You could also mention that you’d offered to move to a different desk but HR didn’t think it was necessary — but that you’d be willing to bring it up again if she’d like you to.

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

3. My coworker has panic attacks, and it’s affecting my work

I share an office with my coworker. She has panic attacks. When she has one, I have to leave the office until the attack passes. If I’m there or she isn’t alone, the attack won’t stop. We work with financial information and can only do work with the computer inside our offices. When I have to leave, I can’t do work because my computer is in the office (we all work in offices with doors and there is no way for anyone to ever bring work outside of their offices), and when she is having an attack she can’t do any work. We are always behind on work because she has an attack every two or three days.

Our boss says if we don’t start delivering more work on time, he’ll put us both on a PIP. My coworker asked me not to tell anyone about her attacks. I don’t want to out her but I don’t want to end up on a PIP. There aren’t any empty offices for me to move to and there isn’t room anywhere else because everyone, including my boss, is already sharing. The last thing I want is to out my coworker. No one else here knows about her anxiety or panic attacks and she feels bad about disrupting our work. I don’t want to make it worse. But I also don’t want to keep getting in trouble or ending up on a PIP. I can’t think of any way to get my boss to understand without outing her.

Yeah, you’re going to have to out her. It’s not reasonable for her to insist that you leave your work space like this, and one of you needs to let your boss know what’s going on.

I’d say this to your coworker: “Because this is now affecting my performance and is at the point where I could lose my job over it, I need to talk to Bob about another solution for our office space. To do that, I’ll need to explain to him what’s going on. Would you prefer to talk with him yourself first? I’m planning to talk with him tomorrow, so I wanted to give you a chance to speak with him first about your panic attacks if you’d like to.”

But then you do need to disclose to your manager what’s happening, and quickly (because the longer you let this go on, the more it’s affecting your work and the harder this may be to come back from). This isn’t gossiping about someone’s private health information. This is letting your manager know about a major reason for your slipping work performance. It sounds like your choices are to do that or risk getting fired for low performance, and it’s not reasonable for your coworker to expect you to do the latter.

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

4. Interviewer insisted I was uninterested in the job

A friend got me an interview with his company. It was going well until I met the senior manager; towards the end of the interview, he dismissed one of my questions about the work by saying “I don’t think you’re actually interested in this, I think you just want a job.” I didn’t respond very well, as I sat there in stunned silence while he gave me “job-hunting tips.” Should I have argued back with him? I’m in a field where getting in someone’s face is an acceptable negotiating tactic, but it felt out of place at an interview.

There are three possibilities here: (1) You really were coming across as if you weren’t that interested, and this guy was candid in response; (2) he’s just a jerk, or (3) he wanted to test you to see how you’d react (which is jerky if there was no reason for it but potentially not so jerky if the field really does require the ability to stay cool under hostile questioning, and if you don’t yet have a professional track record proving you can do that). You might be able to get a sense from your friend of which category this guy might fall into.

I don’t think you should have “argued back,” but I do think you should have calmly asked, “What makes you say that?” and then responded calmly to whatever he said.

– 2011

MONTGOMERY, NJ—Touting faster relief from the symptoms of delirium common to women, Tylenol introduced a new extra-strength fainting couch Thursday for use by feverish consumers. “This fast-acting chaise longue promises instant relief from agonizing hysteria,” said Victoria Holmes, a spokesperson for Tylenol parent company Kenvue, adding that it was already the No. 1 doctor-recommended piece of furniture for patients in the throes of female mania. “Simply drape one hand over your forehead and lie back on the fever-reducing velvet divan for up to six hours of reprieve from the mental turmoil that comes with having no control over one’s emotions. Also suitable for treating aches and pains caused by a too-tight corset or injury from a dizzy spell.” Holmes added that in serious cases of the vapors, it was safe to combine with other remedies, such as having someone shake one’s shoulders while yelling, “Snap out of it!”

The post Tylenol Introduces New Extra-Strength Fainting Couch For Feverish Women appeared first on The Onion.

VATICAN CITY—Saying the effort could bring the Lord’s message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. “The church teaches that God’s glory shines upon all living things, even the heathen E. coli and salmonella bacteria our microscopic pastors will be ministering to,” said Archbishop Francesco Giordano Cacia, who described the painstaking effort that went into outfitting the tiny missionaries with 0.1-micron-wide Bibles and crucifixes far smaller than a grain of sand so that the “benighted microorganisms” might be educated about concepts such as heaven, hell, and the Holy Trinity. “Just because they worship a massive piece of rotting fruit now doesn’t mean these unicellular beings cannot eventually achieve salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. They might lack organelles or an organized nucleus, but we all share in God’s abundant love.” At press time, the Vatican lamented that dozens of spear-wielding bacteria had killed every member of its first micro-mission.

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Joaquin Phoenix and Lady Gaga star and sing  in the jukebox musical Joker: Folie à Deux, the sequel to the controversial 2019 Academy Award-winning movie. The Onion sat down with the actors to discuss collaboration, chemistry, and craft.

The Onion: How would you describe your relationship on set?

Gaga: We had this really playful chemistry on set where I would say my lines and then Joaquin would say his but kind of weirdly.

Phoenix: I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.

The Onion: Was it fun to do a musical?

Phoenix: Every film I’ve ever done has been a musical, and every line I’ve ever said has been singing.

Gaga: No.

The Onion: What was your favorite part about making this film?

Phoenix and Gaga, simultaneously: Receiving financial compensation for our labor. 

The Onion: In what ways do the songs drive the plot forward?

Gaga: Fortunately, the writers decided not to include a plot. 

The Onion: Do you have any fun behind-the-scenes stories to share?

Phoenix: That is a private matter between me and the audience of The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon. 

The Onion: Fans were nervous you two might lack onscreen chemistry. How did you generate such an electric dynamic? 

Gaga: I have great natural chemistry with weird-looking white people.

The Onion: What’s next for the Joker?

Phoenix: Who? Oh, the clown guy. I think he’s dead.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Joaquin Phoenix And Lady Gaga appeared first on The Onion.

The Institute For Local Self Reliance (disclosure: I have done writing and research for them) has released an updated interactive map of every community-owned and operated broadband network in the U.S.

All told, there’s now 400 community-owned broadband networks serving more than 700 U.S. towns and cities nationwide, and the pace of growth shows no sign of slowing down.

Some of these networks are directly owned by a municipality. Some are freshly-built cooperatives. Some are extensions of the existing city-owned electrical utility. All of them are an organic, popular, grass-roots community-driven reaction to telecom market failure and expensive, patchy access.

A breakdown of the new mapping data from the folks at ILSR notes that the number of community broadband networks has been increasing at about a rate of fifteen per year, up from the 8 per year cadence the organization saw between 2001 and 2008. The number of communities served by larger, popular community networks (like Chattanooga’s EPB and Utah’s UTOPIA) continue to grow.

Data routinely notes that community-owned broadband networks provide faster, cheaper, better service than their larger private-sector counterparts. Staffed by locals, they’re also more directly accountable and responsive to the needs of locals. They’re also just hugely popular across the partisan spectrum; routinely winning awards for service.

Many such deployments (like UTOPIA) involve building open access fiber infrastructure that numerous competitors (private, public, or otherwise) come in and compete over. In many of these areas, locals have the option of more than a dozen different ISPs to choose from, all providing broadband at a lower rate than what you’re used to from Comcast, AT&T, Verizon, or Charter.

That’s not to suggest community-owned broadband networks are some mystical panacea; they require smart leadership, strategic planning, and intelligent financing. But if done well, they not only drive significant fiber improvements directly to local markets, they incentivize lumbering regional private sector monopolies — long pampered by federal government corruption and muted competition — to actually try.

Widespread frustration with substandard U.S. broadband drove a big boost in such networks during COVID lockdowns. Since January 1, 2021, more than 47 new networks have come online, with dozens in the planning or pre-construction phases. Many are seeing a big financial boost thanks to 2021 COVID relief (ARPA) and infrastructure bill (IIJA) legislation funding (the latter of which hasn’t even arrived yet).

In response to this popular grass roots movement, giant ISPs have worked tirelessly to outlaw such efforts, regardless of voter intent. 16 states still have protectionist state laws, usually ghost written by giant telecom monopolies, prohibiting the construction or expansion of community broadband. House Republicans went so far as to try and ban all community broadband during a pandemic.

Lumbering regional monopolies like Comcast, AT&T, and Charter could have responded to this movement by lowering prices and improving service. Instead in many cases they found it cheaper to lobby politicians, sue fledgling networks, or create fake “consumer groups” tasked with spreading lies about the perils of community-owned broadband networks among local communities.

But based on the growth rate of such networks, these efforts have backfired, and locally-owned and operated broadband networks appear to be more popular than ever.

The next year is crucial for the future of NASA and its plans to extend human activity in low-Earth orbit. For the first time in decades, the US space agency faces the not-too-distant prospect of failing to have at least one crew member spinning around the planet.

Over the next several months, NASA will finalize a strategy for its operations in low-Earth orbit after 2030. Then, toward the end of next year, the space agency will award contracts to one or more private companies to develop small space stations for which NASA and other space agencies will become customers rather than operators.

But none of this is certain, and as NASA faces a transition from its long-established operations on the International Space Station to something new, there are many questions. Foremost among these is whether NASA really needs to continue having a presence on low-Earth orbit at all, especially as the space agency's focus turns toward the Moon with its Artemis Program.

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Owners of the popular home EV chargers made by Juicebox are about to lose a whole lot of features. Its owner, the energy company Enel X, has just announced that it is leaving the North American market entirely as of October 11.

Enel X says its strategy will be to pursue "further growth by providing bundled offers, including private charging solutions, to its electricity customers as well as by developing public charging infrastructure in countries where it has an electricity retail business." And since it does not have an electricity business in the US, merely a charging hardware and software one, it makes little sense to remain active here.

The company also blames high interest rates and a cooling EV market as reasons for its exit.

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In brief: The overall forecast remains the same. We’ll see hot and sunny weather for a couple of more days. Saturday still should bring a decent shot of rain into the region, especially for areas closer to the coast. Then we’re back to sunny and warm until some sort of front arrives early next week, perhaps on Tuesday. A little fall weather would certainly not be unwelcome.

Wednesday and Thursday

Clear skies and warm temperatures will continue for the next couple of days across the metro area. We’ll see nearly 100 percent sunny skies, with no chance of rain, through Thursday evening. High temperatures, for the most part, will be in the low 90s. Overnight lows will drop into the lower 70s for most locations not immediately along the coast. With dewpoints remaining in the 60s, the air will feel marginally drier than typical summertime conditions in Houston. Winds remain light, generally from the east at 5 to 10 mph.

Friday

We’ll start to see a few clouds by Friday as the upper-air pattern becomes more unsettled. However, skies will still be at least partly sunny, and rain chances are only likely on the order of 20 to 30 percent. For areas inland of Interstate 10, they’re even lower. High temperatures will reach about 90 degrees for most locations, or perhaps a touch warmer.

Saturday and Sunday

We should see more cloud cover for the first half of the weekend, as well as our best rain chances for the forecast period. Locations along and south of Interstate 10—closest to the source of moisture—will probably have about a 50 percent chance of showers during the daytime, with lesser chances further inland. I do not expect a deluge, but rather a series of scattered showers pushing through. Accumulations for most locations will likely be on the order of a few tenths of an inch of rain. Highs, due primarily to the clouds, should be in the upper 80s.

By Sunday we’ll be transitioning back to a more sunny pattern. However, I still expect to see at least some partly cloudy skies, with perhaps a 20 to 30 percent chance of rainfall. High temperatures will get back into the lower 90s.

Next week

Monday should bring more clear skies and high temperatures in the low 90s. However, at some point on Monday night or Tuesday, we should see the arrival of a front, with some drier and cooler air following it into the region. There’s still quite a bit uncertainty as to how much drier air will arrive, given that our region will be receiving a glancing blow from the front rather than a full on push out of the north. Nevertheless, I expect highs to at least drop into the 80s, with lows in the 60s. It’s possible we’ll get a bit cooler than this, but determining that six days out just isn’t possible with this kind of front.

Tropics

Although some sort of tropical system may develop in the central or southern Gulf of Mexico over the next week, it is not likely to have a significant effect on our weather in Texas.

NEW YORK—Refusing to back down despite repeated fact checks to the contrary, Sen. J.D. Vance claimed during Tuesday’s vice presidential debate that Haitian immigrants were coming into this country to make him look stupid. “There are hundreds of people from Haiti pouring across our border every day with the express purpose of provoking me into saying something deeply idiotic in front of millions of people,” said Vance, gesturing toward Tim Walz and asserting that the Democratic governor had “absolutely no interest” in stopping the flow of Haitians who cause him to go on ill-informed rants that make him appear as if he has “no goddamn idea” what he’s talking about. “The worst part is that Kamala Harris doesn’t seem to care how often they cause me to make an ass of myself on national television. For all I know, she’s happy to see me act like a complete dumbfuck while I churn out another political talking point based on a town I’ve barely visited. Well, I do care about that. In fact, it makes me incredibly frustrated how often it happens.” Vance went on to claim that Haitian people were to blame for all the rest of the profoundly ignorant things he was going to say in the rest of the debate and final month of the 2024 campaign.

The post J.D. Vance Claims Haitian Immigrants Coming Into This Country To Make Him Look Stupid appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—During Tuesday’s debate, Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance accused his opponent, Tim Walz, of “cavorting with the ghost of Karl Marx beneath a blood-red moon,” an encounter Vance alleged to have seen with his own two eyes. “Him there! I saw that man and his Chinese communist brethren intoning words from Das Kapital under the red glow of the moon, the bearded specter of Marx hovering close above,” said Vance, pointing directly at the Minnesota governor as gasps from the stunned moderators echoed through the room. “My opponent and his legion of comrades, their frenzied eyes aglow amid the funeral pyres of burning cash, spoke of a violent rebellion to rid the United States of our capitalist ideals once and for all. I watched from the safety of a shrub as he lifted his robes to accept a white-hot brand in the shape of a hammer and sickle, all the while crying out for the forceful implementation of a classless society. Seize him now, or our republic shall surely fall under communist rule!” At press time, the moderators had reportedly decided Walz would be bound to the 50-volume collected works of Marx and Engels and dunked in a body of water to see if he would float. 

The post J.D. Vance: ‘I Saw Tim Walz Cavorting With The Ghost Of Karl Marx Beneath A Blood-Red Moon’ appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Cursing under his breath at yet another round of inapt debate answers from the vice presidential candidate, venture capitalist Peter Thiel reportedly rushed onstage Tuesday to restart a glitching J.D. Vance during a commercial break. “Seriously? For what I paid for this thing, it should work flawlessly,” said the billionaire investor, striding confidently past moderator Norah O’Donnell to insert a paperclip into Vance’s ear and initiate a hard reset that might stop the short-circuiting candidate from repeating the phrase “girls of menstruating age” in response to a question on inflation. “Shit, I probably just need to wipe its memory banks clean. I’ll have to re-upload all the anti-pornography tirades, but it’s better than spending the evening on edge worried about another malfunction. Probably some kind of Russian malware got installed, honestly.” At press time, Thiel was seen rapidly paging through Vance’s instruction manual as the politician sparked up and said the word “inseminate” in an increasingly high-pitched voice.

The post Peter Thiel Rushes To Restart Glitching J.D. Vance During Commercial Break appeared first on The Onion.

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—Following the conclusion of her 18-month hiatus from music, pop star Sabrina Carpenter confirmed Wednesday that she had completed her mandatory South Korean military service. “It was the honor of a lifetime to do my patriotic duty by serving in the Republic of Korea’s armed forces, but I’m looking forward to my next chapter,” said Carpenter, who emphasized that she had learned a lot about herself during her time completing basic training, learning to operate field artillery, and serving as a guard in the demilitarized zone. “I’m so grateful to my fans for their patience and for keeping me in their thoughts. New music and even a tour is coming soon. Plus, my hair has finally grown out from that buzz cut, and it looks great. Stay tuned!” At press time, pop fans were reportedly crossing their fingers that Chappell Roan and Tate McRae would be discharged next.

The post Sabrina Carpenter Completes Mandatory Service In South Korean Military appeared first on The Onion.

RICHARDSON, TX—In an effort to help his students one day navigate the harsh realities of an adult relationship, local sex ed teacher Robert Emerson reportedly spent class Wednesday teaching male students how to cheat on their pregnant wives. “Over the 9 months a woman carries a child, her body will change a lot, making it all the more necessary for you to have a hot young slam piece to bang on the side,” Emerson said before telling the room full of seventh-grade boys that it was perfectly natural for a man whose wife is pregnant to want to send flirty messages to beautiful women on social media, give his number to a hot young waitress, or hit on his wife’s attractive younger sister. “At 3 months, you’ll want to keep things casual and mostly send sexually explicit photos to your ‘lady friend.’ Then, by 6 months, you’ll likely have escalated to meeting up on weeknights at a local motel. By 9 months, your wife will definitely be suspicious and demand to see your phone, but that’s when you gaslight her and tell her she’s crazy.” According to sources, Emerson later distributed sacks of flour to all his students to simulate what it’s like to be a father turning his young child against their mother after a divorce.

The post Texas Sex Ed Class Teaches Boys How To Cheat On Pregnant Wife appeared first on The Onion.

Throughout its venerable 268-year reign, The Onion has always made it a top priority to endorse the correct presidential candidates. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this institution’s highly respected editorial board has had its finger on the pulse, and has accurately backed the winner of every single national election in this country’s long and storied history. 

Now, with our nation at a pivotal crossroads, The Onion‘s editorial board faces its most difficult decision yet. That’s why we have chosen to officially endorse Joseph R. Biden for president of the United States.

To our loyal, handsome, and stunningly brilliant readers, please know that The Onion‘s latest foray into the 2024 election does not come lightly. In these unprecedented times of misinformation and political violence, everyone from left-wing activists to Silicon Valley megadonors attempted to dissuade us from endorsing Joe Biden at this moment in time.

But The Onion and its six-member editorial board do not listen to outsiders. Nor do we listen to data, facts, polls, the U.S. government, or the widely panned Geneva Conventions. It is with great pride that this institution officially throws its full and unequivocal support behind Joe Biden, despite many across the political spectrum, including the entire Democratic Party, saying “it’s too late” and we are “doing more harm than good.”

For months, our editorial board has agonized over this momentous decision. Initially, we’d hoped to publish our endorsement on June 27, 2024, in the hours after Joe Biden’s first televised debate against Donald Trump. Then, we’d hoped to publish it a few days later, following Biden’s highly anticipated July 5 interview with George Stephanopoulos. 

Now, on Oct. 2, 2024, we are finally doing what we should have done months ago: Buck tradition, put our reputation on the line, and take a position that The New York Times, The Washington Post, and other so-called “papers of record” are too cowardly to even consider this late in the election.

Lest readers doubt the value of our endorsement, we ask them to remember 2016, when voter complacency almost put Hillary Clinton in the White House before The Onion stepped in.  

Joe Biden may be young by Washington standards, but he’s packed a lot into 81 short years. He’s fought hard for working Americans, be they on the factory line or on the board of Blackstone Group. He’s stood up to everyone who threatened this great nation, from Vladimir Putin to Anita Hill. And he supports women and minorities, based on that seemingly random lady he chose to be his vice president. 

And so The Onion humbly requests that on Nov. 5 you remember our editorial board’s courageous, measured, and well-reasoned endorsement of Joseph R. Biden. But if, for some incomprehensible reason, this fails to resonate with the American public, we will be proud to endorse Asa Hutchinson as a backup.

Tu Stultus Es,

The Onion Editorial Board

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2024 Vice Presidential Debate
New York, NY
October 1st, 2024

9:00 PM: Opening what seems likely to be the last debate of this election, CBS News anchors Norah O’Donnell and Margaret Brennan welcome candidates Ohio Senator JD Vance and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz and review the rules the campaigns agreed to. Brennan reminds the candidates that they will be fact-checking each other as the press must fill the vital civic role of solemnly nodding.

9:01 PM: For the opening question in the United States vice presidential debate where the candidates, moderators, and primary audience are Americans, Brennan addresses Walz, asking if he would support a preemptive strike by Israel on Iran. Walz responds by coughing in an “aw shucks” sort of way, stating that everyone who has known and advised Donald Trump has said he’s unfit and only steady, trusted leaders should be able to enable and encourage murder. Brennan poses the same question to Senator Vance, who licks his lips and reminds everyone that he wrote a book about what a regular guy he is.

9:25 PM: On immigration, Brennan asks the candidates about their plans for the border. Vance avoids her question about whether or not the Trump administration will pursue family separation. “First of all, this already happens,” he says, “and I can actually speak without breathing for sixty seconds without any problem. I used to do this in my Ivy League classes, and if you simply never hesitate or pause and keep a steady cadence, people think what you’re saying is smart, as long as you’re a man and you’re white, and this is what will happen when Donald Trump is president again.” Walz responds, “This is what happens when you don’t want to solve the problem. You demonize it. I was surprised by Vance on this, admitting how he’ll create stories just to villainize people. I believe Senator Vance wants to solve this, but he’s making choices. Do you think they’re good choices, JD? Let’s talk through what some good choices you could make. Do you have any ideas of what some good choices would be?” Vance scowls for one moment before staring directly at the camera, the way a possessed snake would stare, searching for something dark. Possibly Peter Thiel’s teat. Jarringly, Vance’s odd snake face speaks, “First of all, Governor Walz brought up Springfield, and the problem there is that there are illegal aliens terrorizing people.” Brennan thanks them both and adds that Haitian immigrants in Springfield have legal status, at which Vance’s tiny pinpoint eyes bug out of his head as he demands, “MOMMMM!!! THEY SAID THEY WEREN’T GONNA FACT CHECK! NOW I GET TO DO DOUBLE LIES!” O’Donnell calmly responds that there are many topics and they need to move on, to which Vance yells, “NO FAIR, NO FAIR, NO FAIR!” and then holds his breath while banging a copy of Atlas Shrugged on his lectern. Brennan nods, “Okay, in honor of every woman you’ve ever tried to date, we’ve gone ahead and muted your mic. Let’s move on.”

9:31 PM: O’Donnell asks Walz about his and Harris’s economic plan. He looks directly into the camera, “Hey, kiddo, I know you’re hearing a bunch of back and forth, and that’s good, it’s healthy. We’re not fighting. I know there have been some loud voices, and that happens sometimes when people get excited, but it’s okay. I just wanted you to know that. Now, Kamala and I care about the middle class very much.” Vance responds, “First of all, if Kamala Harris loved the middle class so much, why hasn’t she married it? She’s been the vice president for three and a half years, and it’s my understanding that the vice president is the person who is in charge of everything and controls all policy. In that regard, Harris is a failure. Look, economists have PhDs, but they don’t have common sense. Donald Trump has common sense and a solid record of raising pay for America’s monocle class, and that’s what we’re going to get back to.”

9:38 PM: Moving away from policy, Brennan says, “The purpose of the vice president is to serve as the governmental side-kick, a little guy with some flair. So let’s talk about your personalities and what’s wrong with them. Governor Walz, you have previously said that you were in China in May of 1989 but reports show you weren’t there until August of 1989, please explain how someone who is seeking the second highest office of this land can be taken seriously if he lies about months from three decades ago?” Walz responds, “I’m a bit of a knucklehead.” There is silence for approximately five seconds before Walz continues, “Oh boy, okay, we can’t just say nothing here. What do you guys want to talk about?” Brennan then turns to Vance, “In a similar vein, you previously called your running mate ‘America’s Hitler.’” Vance chuckles condescendingly, “Yes, but I meant it as a compliment.”

9:44 PM: On reproductive rights, Brennan addresses Walz, saying that as Governor, he signed a bill making Minnesota one of the least restrictive states. Walz replies, “We trust women, we trust doctors.” Vance counters, “Oh, really? You heard what he just said? He trusts doctors. Doctors like DOCTOR Hannibal Lecter? Doctors like DOCTOR Doom? This is exactly what Democrats do; they will tell you to trust these experts, but these experts are trying to take over the world and also are eating people, and the problem here is migrants. I knew a woman, an old friend, who was in an abusive relationship, and she had an abortion. She doesn’t trust Republicans, and what we have to do better as a party is more effectively lie to these women to gain their trust. Jodie Foster shouldn’t have had a job. She should have been a mom. If the lambs are screaming, it should be from the nursery.”

9:52 PM: As the country reels from yet another string of school shootings, the candidates are asked about how they’d approach this ongoing tragedy. Vance goes first. “First of all, as a parent, we send our kids to school and look at their adorable faces and know that we’re creating a terror-filled experience for them. But it’s for an important reason, because what matters most in this country is the gun lobby. I sit my second grader down and say, ‘You know how you like shooty video games? Where do you think they get their ideas from?’ But we have to do something, and I hate to say it, because it’s extreme, but I think we’re going to need to make heavier doors at the schools. Of course, we’re also going to need more guns. We can paint them to look like Pokémon guns or whatever.” Walz replies, “I believe 100 percent that Senator Vance finds this abhorrent. It’s not his fault his face looks like that all the time. But we need to do more. I spent time in Finland, and they own guns, but they don’t have these things happen.” Vance perks up like a billionaire who just started pumping a new bag of teenage blood, “First of all, Finland?! I’m so glad you mentioned Finland. I think what Finland has is important, and it has to do with the type of people. I mean, it’s cold, snowy even, some might say white, definitely one of the top fourteen or eighty-eight countries!”

10:21 PM: On democracy, O’Donnell calls out Vance for saying he would not have certified the 2020 election results. Vance responds that we should be talking about the present, and the real threat to democracy is how some people don’t want to be friends with Republicans. Walz responds, “This is very troubling,” and echoes the moderators asking Vance, “Did Donald Trump lose the 2020 election?” Vance again replies, “First of all, I’m focused on the future.” Walz shakes his head, “That’s a damning non-answer.” Vance pulls out his phone, “Look at how many people on Facebook haven’t accepted my friend requests. This is the real threat to democracy, and Democrats don’t want to talk about it.”

CLOSING STATEMENTS

WALZ: Thank you to CBS, Senator Vance, and to all of you missing Dancing with the Stars for this. I’m as surprised as anybody about this coalition we’re forming, from Bernie Sanders to Dick Cheney to Taylor Swift, who is, of course, on the far right of our coalition. But it’s a big casserole, and we’ve got room for every kind of potato, so I don’t want to tell you what to do, but gosh, I’d sure appreciate it if you’d give our ballot line a look-see in November.

VANCE: First of all, we didn’t talk about energy, but I can tell you what the problem is. Migrants. In fact, migrants are pretty much the only major problem we face. But if we kick them out, we can solve housing. We can solve health care. Most importantly, we can solve people who are mean and laughing at me in Spanish. I praise you in Jesus’s name. You’re all now baptized, and God compels you to let me have the most important role in the land: vice president to a narcissist. Amen.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
I have never once had a popular platonism joke but I WILL NOT STOP

Today's News:

by Sharon Lerner and Andy Kroll

ProPublica is a nonprofit newsroom that investigates abuses of power. Sign up to receive our biggest stories as soon as they’re published.

Three investigators for the Heritage Foundation have deluged federal agencies with thousands of Freedom of Information Act requests over the past year, requesting a wide range of information on government employees, including communications that could be seen as a political liability by conservatives. Among the documents they’ve sought are lists of agency personnel and messages sent by individual government workers that mention, among other things, “climate equity,” “voting” or “SOGIE,” an acronym for sexual orientation, gender identity and expression.

The Heritage team filed these requests even as the think tank’s Project 2025 was promoting a controversial plan to remove job protections for tens of thousands of career civil servants so they could be identified and fired if Donald Trump wins the presidential election.

All three men who filed the requests — Mike Howell, Colin Aamot and Roman Jankowski — did so on behalf of the Heritage Foundation’s Oversight Project, an arm of the conservative group that uses FOIA, lawsuits and undercover videos to investigate government activities. In recent months, the group has used information gleaned from the requests to call attention to efforts by the Defense Counterintelligence and Security Agency to teach staff about gender diversity, which Fox News characterized as the “Biden administration’s ‘woke’ policies within the Department of Defense.” Heritage also used material gathered from a FOIA search to claim that a listening session the Justice Department held with voting rights activists constituted an attempt to “rig” the presidential election because no Republicans were present.

An analysis of more than 2,000 public-records requests submitted by Aamot, Howell and Jankowski to more than two dozen federal offices and agencies, including the State Department, the Department of Homeland Security and the Federal Trade Commission, shows an intense focus on hot-button phrases used by individual government workers.

Those 2,000 requests are just the tip of the iceberg, Howell told ProPublica in an interview. Howell, the executive director of the Oversight Project, estimated that his group had submitted more than 50,000 information requests over the past two years. He described the project as “the most prestigious international investigative operation in the world.”

Among 744 requests that Aamot, Jankowski and Howell submitted to the Department of the Interior over the past year are 161 that seek civil servants’ emails and texts as well as Slack and Microsoft Teams messages that contained terms including “climate change”; “DEI,” or diversity, equity and inclusion; and “GOTV,” an acronym for get out the vote. Many of these FOIAs request the messages of individual employees by name.

Trump has made clear his intentions to overhaul the Department of the Interior, which protects the nation’s natural resources, including hundreds of millions of acres of land. Under President Joe Biden, the department has made tackling climate change a priority.

Hundreds of the requests asked for government employees’ communications with civil rights and voting rights groups, including the ACLU; the Native American Rights Fund; Rock the Vote; and Fair Count, an organization founded by Democratic politician and voting rights advocate Stacey Abrams. Still other FOIAs sought communications that mention “Trump” and “Reduction in Force,” a term that refers to layoffs.

Several requests, including some sent to the Department of Defense, the Department of Homeland Security and the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, focus on personnel. Some ask for “all employees who entered into a position at the agency as a Political Appointee since January 20, 2021,” the first day of the Biden administration. Others target career employees. Still other FOIAs seek agencies’ “hierarchy charts.”

“It does ring some alarm bells as to whether this is part of an effort to either intimidate government employees or, ultimately, to fire them and replace them with people who are going to be loyal to a leader that they may prefer,” Noah Bookbinder, president and CEO of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, or CREW, said of the FOIAs.

Asked whether the project gathered the records to facilitate the firing of government workers, Howell said, “Our work is meant to just figure out who the decision-makers are.” He added that his group isn’t focused on simply identifying particular career employees. “It’s more about what the bureaucrats are doing, not who the bureaucrats are,” he said.

Howell said he was speaking on behalf of himself and the Oversight Project. Aamot requested questions in writing, but did not respond further. Jankowski did not reply to a request for comment.

Bookbinder also pointed out that inundating agencies with requests can interfere with the government’s ability to function. “It’s OK to make FOIA requests,” said Bookbinder, who acknowledged that CREW has also submitted its share of requests. “But if you purposely overwhelm the system, you can both cause slower response to FOIAs … and you can gum up other government functions.”

Indeed, a government worker who processes FOIAs for a federal agency told ProPublica that the volume of requests from Heritage interfered with their ability to do their job. “Sometimes they come in at a rate of one a second,” said the worker, who asked to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to speak to the press. The worker said they now spend a third of their work time processing requests from Heritage, including some that seek communications that mention the terms “Biden” and “mental” or “Alzheimer’s” or “dementia” or “defecate” or “poop.”

“They’re taking time away from FOIA requesters that have legitimate requests,” said the worker. “We have to search people’s accounts for poop. This isn’t a thing. I can’t imagine a real reporter putting in a request like that.”

Asked about the comment, Howell said: “I’m paying them, so they should do their damn job and turn over the documents. Their job is not to decide what they think is worth, you know, releasing or not.” He added that “we’re better journalists by any standard than The New York Times.”

Project 2025, which is led by Heritage, became politically toxic — with Trump disavowing the endeavor and Kamala Harris seeking to tie her opponent to the plan — in part for proposing to identify and fire as many as 50,000 career government employees who are deemed “nonperforming” by a future Trump administration. Trump attempted to do this at the end of his first term, issuing an executive order known as “Schedule F” that would have allowed his administration to reclassify thousands of civil servants, making them easier to fire and replace. Biden then repealed it.

Project 2025’s 887-page policy blueprint proposes that the next conservative president reissue that “Schedule F” executive order. That would mean a future Trump administration would have the ability to replace tens of thousands of career government employees with new staffers of their choosing.

To fill those vacancies, as ProPublica has reported, Project 2025 has also recruited, vetted and trained future government employees for a Republican administration. In one training video obtained by ProPublica, a former Trump White House official named Dan Huff says that future government staffers should prepare to enact drastic policy changes if they join the administration.

“If you’re not on board with helping implement a dramatic course correction because you’re afraid it’ll damage your future employment prospects, it’ll harm you socially — look, I get it,” Huff says. “That’s a real danger. It’s a real thing. But please: Do us all a favor and sit this one out.”

Howell, the head of the Oversight Project and one of the FOIA filers, is a featured speaker in one of Project 2025’s training videos, in which he and two other veteran government investigators discuss different forms of government oversight, such as FOIA requests, inspector general investigations and congressional probes. Another speaker in the video, Tom Jones of the American Accountability Foundation, offers advice to prospective government employees in a conservative administration about how to avoid having sensitive or embarrassing emails obtained under the FOIA law — the very strategy that the Oversight Project is now using with the Biden administration.

“If you need to resolve something, if you can do it, it’s probably better to walk down the hall, buttonhole a guy and say, ‘Hey, what are we going to do here?’ Talk through the decision,” Jones says.

“You’re probably better off,” Jones says, “going down to the canteen, getting a cup of coffee, talking it through and making the decision, as opposed to sending him an email and creating a thread that Accountable.US or one of those other groups is going to come back and seek.”

The records requests are far reaching, seeking “full calendar exports” for hundreds of government employees. One FOIA submitted by Aamot sought the complete browser history for Interior Secretary Deb Haaland, “whether exported from Chrome, Safari, Windows Explorer, Mozilla.” The most frequent of the three requesters, Aamot, whose online bio describes him as a former psychological operations planner with the Army’s Special Operations Command, submitted some FOIAs on behalf of the Heritage Foundation and others for the Daily Signal. The publication spun off from the Heritage Foundation in June, according to an announcement on the think tank’s website, but another page on the site still seeks donations for both the foundation and the Daily Signal.

ProPublica obtained the Department of Interior requests as well as tallies of FOIAs from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Health Resources and Services Administration through its own public records requests.

Several of the Heritage Foundation’s requests focus on gender, asking for materials federal agencies presented to employees or contractors “mentioning ‘DEI’, ‘Transgender’, ‘Equity’, or ‘Pronouns.’” Aamot sent similar requests to the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, the Office of Management and Budget, Americorps and the Chemical Safety Board, among other agencies. Howell said he believes that the group has uncovered evidence that “unpopular and just frankly sexually creepy and sexually disordered ideas are now being translated into government jargon, speak, policies, procedures and guidance documents.”

Heritage’s FOIA blitz has even sought information about what government employees are saying about Heritage and its employees, including the three men filing the thousands of FOIAs. One request sent to the Interior Department asks for any documents to and from the agency’s chief FOIA officer that mention Heritage’s president, Kevin Roberts, as well as the names of Aamot, Howell and Jankowski.

Irena Hwang contributed data analysis. Kirsten Berg contributed research.

Taylor Swift is in the news, and not just because she has become the most decorated solo artist of all time. The fact that Taylor Swift has already been mentioned multiple times on Walled Culture underlines that she is also an important – if surprising – figure in the world of copyright. That’s because Swift has been re-recording her albums in order to gain full control over them. She lost control because of the way that copyright works in the music industry, where it is split between the written song and its performance (the “master recording”). Record label contracts typically contain a clause in which the artist grants the label an exclusive and total license to the master. By re-recording her albums, Swift can add control of the master to her control of the written songs.

Swift’s long battle is well-known in the industry. But an article on the Harvard Law Today site from a few months back adds an important detail to this story that I have not seen reported anywhere else. It draws on comments made by Gary R. Greenstein, a “technology transactions partner” at Wilson Sonsini, one of the top US law firms. It concerns a common legal requirement in contracts to wait a certain number of years before artists are allowed to re-record an album:

It’s significant, Greenstein said, that the first Taylor’s Version wasn’t released until she’d been off [record label] Big Machine for three years. Until then, she was legally bound not to re-record any of the material, and this time frame was typical of record deals in the past. But this is the part of the equation that Swift likely changed for good.

According to Greenstein, the major record labels used to be fairly reasonable in terms of the length of the prohibition they imposed on on re-recording. But he says that’s no longer the case as a result of Swift’s successful project to regain full control of her own works:

record companies are now trying to prohibit re-recordings for 20 or 30 years, not just two or three. And this has become a key part of contract negotiations. “Will they get 30 years? Probably not, if the lawyer is competent. But they want to make sure that the artist’s vocal cords are not in good shape by the time they get around to re-recording.”

In other words, as soon as a creator finds a way to take back control from intermediaries that have routinely derived excessive profits from the labor of others, the copyright world fights back with new legal straitjackets to stop other artists daring to do the same. That’s yet another reason for creators to retain full control of their works, and to shun traditional intermediaries that try to impose one-sided and unfair contracts.

Follow me @glynmoody on Mastodon and on Bluesky. Originally published to Walled Culture.

Headlines

• Helene help continues to be desperately needed.
• Gulf development odds have stalled somewhat, but development of a sloppy system tracking east or northeast in the Gulf this weekend or next week seems plausible.
• The main concern we currently have is potential for heavy rain in Florida.
• Tropical Storm Kirk should become a hurricane in the next day, while Invest 91L may become a depression or Tropical Storm Leslie by tomorrow or Thursday. Neither are currently expected to impact land.

Helene latest

As communication slowly gets restored to affected areas from Hurricane Helene, we are beginning to get a sense of the scope of the disaster and the horrific details of loss and survival. The toll will likely get worse before it gets better. And we continue to encourage folks to contribute to organizations helping directly with the recovery efforts. Our list from yesterday:

Blue Ridge NPR has a good list. (many locally based resources on this list and other orgs, such as Samaritan’s Purse)

The East Tennessee Foundation is a resource as well.

A Houston-based organization that specifically helps food and beverage workers (of which many were impacted) called the Southern Smoke Foundation is another one I personally support and recommend.

World Central Kitchen is on the ground there also, serving up meals.

The Fuel Relief Fund specifically helps people with fuel.

Team Rubicon is on the ground as well.

Crowdsource Rescue is another org we’ve directly engaged with in the past that is doing incredible work right now.

The Cajun Navy is also doing rescue work in the region, and they’ve been a friend to us in Houston too.

Gulf development odds stall a bit

Now for some good news, I guess. Development odds over the next week or so in the Gulf have stalled a bit, or at least stagnated some. The NHC map is at 40 percent this morning, same as it was yesterday.

Keep in mind that the orange hatched area above indicates *where* development could occur, not where the system is expected to track. There’s not a whole lot to look at this morning, as any disturbance is very nascent and poorly organized. Over the next couple days, this will migrate northward and perhaps get slightly better organized. Various models depict various solutions, including the possibility that additional areas of disturbed weather enter the picture as well. Overall, the picture looks sloppy.

It’s worth noting for those extra concerned that this looks nothing at all like Helene did at this point in its life cycle. So this is why we continue to think that things are likely to be much sloppier and a bit lower end on the intensity scale as this gets moving.

The model solutions really do range from a more organized system to even 2 organized systems to just a “blob” of moisture that tracks northwest, then north, then northeast or even east-northeast across the Gulf, generally toward Florida. Some even sort of stall it out over the open Gulf, sort of like we saw last month off Texas where an undeveloped system sat and festered for a while before Francine emerged from the slop after a week or two. If you look at the GFS ensemble in particular, it shows a whole slew of options.

Again, this is much different than how things looked ahead of Helene. Given the idea of a sloppy system, a front in the vicinity early next week, and a somewhat disorganized initial disturbance, all this leads me to think that a messy rainmaker may be on tap for the eastern Gulf Coast and Florida this weekend and next week. Indeed, the rainfall forecast in Florida is solid. For now, serious flooding isn’t expected, but continue to watch this and monitor its progress in the coming days. I think it’s obvious that this one is going to be of lower predictability than Helene was. But also hopefully lower risk as well.

Kirk gaining momentum, and Invest 91L may develop behind it

Tropical Storm Kirk is on the precipice of hurricane intensity this afternoon, as it is a 70 mph tropical storm. Kirk is still expected to remain safely out at sea.

Kirk should intensify steadily over the coming days, peaking as at least a category 3 and possibly category 4 storm over the open Atlantic later this week. Expect to see some pretty stunning satellite imagery at some point. Again, thankfully, Kirk will avoid land.

Behind Kirk, we do have a second area, Invest 91L. This one is close to developing as well. Over the coming days, this will take a track generally south and west of Kirk’s track. This should still keep it out at sea, but we’ll continue to watch this one closely in case it can manage to brush the islands eventually.

That’s all we’ve got for now. We will likely see some additional Pacific systems later this week as well. None at this point look to threaten land for now. More to come!

In brief: Today’s update digs a little deeper into our lack of rainfall during the second half of summer, and whether we’re going to see relief any time soon. The answer is maybe, and that especially coastal areas have a healthy chance of rain this weekend. Then, by early next week, passage of a decent fall cool front looks increasingly likely.

Drying soils in late summer

Houston started out this summer with plenty of rain. You may remember Hurricane Beryl in July? But by the end of that month conditions turned notably drier. And but for a wetter spell in late August, the last two months have been quite dry. Our soils feel the lack of rain especially keenly during August and September, as these are often the hottest months of the year, which dries things out much more quickly. Looking at the last 60 days, we can see that much of the Houston area received less than 50 percent of normal rainfall, and some western areas less than 25 percent.

So far this has not resulted in drought-like conditions—something for which we can thank Beryl. However, in the latest update from the US Drought Monitor, the northern two-thirds of the Houston region are classified as being “abnormally dry.” This is just a step short of falling into a drought. I write all of that to say we could use some rainfall this month. Our next chance comes this weekend, but unfortunately it looks like the highest odds for rainfall will be closer to the coast, areas which generally are doing OK with rainfall. Would that I had better news.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday

Warm, but calm, weather will continue through much of this week. We can expect sunny days, high but not excessively so humidity levels, and sunny skies. Daytime temperatures will be in the low 90s, with overnight temperatures in the low 70s. Winds will be light all three days, from the north and east, typically not getting much above 5 mph. You probably won’t believe me, but we’re coming to the end of the time of year when we see long strings of 90-degree days, so if you like pool or beach time, this is a good week, and weekend for that.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

As noted above, our region will see some better rain chances starting Friday and lasting through the weekend. In the absence of high pressure, and with increasing levels of moisture in the atmosphere, we should see some clouds start to build on Friday, with partly to mostly cloudy conditions on Saturday, before more sunshine on Sunday. The models have gotten a little more bullish with rain chances for the weekend, especially on Saturday. However, you should set your expectations accordingly, especially if you live inland of Interstate 10.

My sense is that there is still a lot of uncertainty in the rainfall forecast so expect some change. However, if you live in a coastal county your chances of rain are probably higher than 50 percent on Saturday, and a bit lesser on Friday and Sunday. Further inland, along Interstate 10, rain chances are probably about 40 percent on Saturday, and the further you go from the coast, the lower things get.

High temperatures this weekend will be on the order of 90 degrees during the daytime, with a decent amount of humidity, and lows generally in the mid-70s.

Next week

Confidence is increasing in the arrival of a cool front early next week, likely some time on Monday or Monday night. It is not guaranteed, but there is now support in a lot of our modeling guidance for a decent push of drier and cooler air. I would expect mostly sunny weather next week, with highs in the 80s and lows in the lower 60s, but this is going to depend on the extent of the frontal push. A majority of the colder air with this system is going to get shoved east, rather than south, so we’ll have to wait and see how much relief we get. Despite those caveats, however, I’m optimistic. A little fall weather would hit the spot.

Tropics

There’s a lot going on out there, and if you want all the details we’ve got them on The Eyewall. But if you’re simply wondering, “What does this mean for Texas?” the answer is, not much. It’s been a week since we called a halt to the Texas hurricane season, and I still feel pretty good about that prediction.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

I’m off for a few days, so here’s an older post from the archives. This was originally published in 2020.

A reader writes:

I am part of the HR department at my workplace, and we hired “Andre” a few months ago as a part of our student group. He’s only 18, but he’s been a hard worker and always takes initiative around the office. I was part of Andre’s interview panel, so I’ve always been in contact with him and friendly with him since we brought him on board.

For the past month, Andre has been working in my section to help process a backlog of paperwork caused by COVID-19, so he spends a lot of time in my office where the only working scanner is. We started with small talk but learned that we share a lot of hobbies.

A week ago, a cafe near our office opened back up (take-out only), and when I told Andre about it, he suggested we go there for break. I’ve had coffee with my other coworkers before. He offered to pay, and after we chatted at a park bench by the cafe, he offered a hand to help me up from the bench and held my upper arm until we’d left the park. Since then, we’ve felt more comfortable making physical contact, but it’s been nothing inappropriate. It’s usually just a poke or bump on the shoulder or brushing up against each other in the hall.

I bring this up because one of my coworkers, “Jane,” confided in me that she’s concerned about how Andre and I interact. She said that she saw us on that outing, and she confessed that she overheard a short conversation we had while Andre was replacing toner. Andre was jamming the cartridge in aggressively, so I said, “Damn, I hope you don’t treat your dates like that.” He had replied, “Only if they ask for it.” She has also heard Andre tell me on a separate occasion, “If only I could get a girl with legs like yours, I’d be in business.”

Jane thinks this could result in sexual harassment complaints, but that wouldn’t make any sense. We thought we were alone, and since we’ve been getting more connected at work, we’ve been talking in friendly innuendo like that. Andre has never shown any discomfort when we share jokes like these, especially when he initiates them, and we never do so in front of others to make others feel uncomfortable. Nobody’s complaining. Jane, however, thinks this is unbecoming of a 40something woman like myself and could look very bad for our company if our private interactions were made public.

Jane says they’re not as private as I think and everyone else can feel the “sexual tension” between us, and she said that people sometimes refer to us as “work spouses.” I admit that interacting with Andre makes me feel more attractive than I have in years, but it’s not relevant. Jane also asked if my husband knows about Andre, but my husband doesn’t need to know about Andre since I’ve never cheated on him and never would.

Jane doesn’t seem to understand more nuanced social interactions like flirting can be harmless and common in office settings, and based on the questions above, she seems to believe it’s okay to ask about my private life because of this. Is there a tactful way I can explain to her that she shouldn’t try to police her coworkers’ social interactions, especially if they’re not meant to be public?

Whoa, no.

You need to stop flirting with Andre. Stop brushing against him in the hallway (!), stop trading sexually charged jokes and compliments, stop the whole thing.

You are in HR. He is an 18-year-old student employee. You cannot flirt with or trade sexual innuendo with a student employee.

Yes, this could be sexual harassment. It could be sexual harassment of Andre if he ever starts to feel uncomfortable or like his security in his job depends on continuing the flirtation (and just because someone seems comfortable with this kind of contact at first, that doesn’t mean they’ll continue to feel comfortable with it). It could also be a legal liability if others are forced to overhear obvious sexual remarks between the two of you (that toner comment? come on — I guarantee you that grossed out anyone who overheard).

And yes, potential harassment issues aside, this will absolutely affect the way others think of you. At a minimum, you’ll look like you have terrible judgment, and if this continues people will suspect you of more than that.

Doing this with any colleague would be inappropriate. Doing it with an 18-year-old is even more problematic. He’s on a whole different plane of maturity (and he’s not accountable in nearly the same way you are for knowing what is and isn’t acceptable at work).

Also, you’re in HR! I hope that means you’re doing benefits administration or comp analysis or similar — because if you do anything related to legal compliance or investigations or employee counseling, you’re torpedoing your credibility and trustworthiness in your job as well. You may have already forfeited your ability to be seen as fair or impartial if someone needs to report harassment or other inappropriate behavior.

If you do work in those areas of HR, your judgment here — and especially your response after a colleague pointed out the problems — is indicative of some serious deficiencies in your understanding of foundational concepts in your field, and I’d urge you to do some serious soul-searching about what’s required to make your behavior and judgment line up with what’s needed in that work. This isn’t “I occasionally have do some data entry for my job and I’m not great at it.” This is “I violate the rules I am charged with enforcing, don’t realize when I’m doing it, and may harm others who rely on me to keep their workspace safe and legal.” It’s soul-searching, “am I in the right field?” territory.

If you do that soul-searching and come out of it with an understanding of why all of this is a problem and a resolve to do better, you should be able to move forward (although you’ll need to do some reputation repair at work, as well as righting things with Andre). But you have to do that work.

Also … you didn’t write in asking for marriage advice, but the relevant question there isn’t whether your husband “needs” to know about Andre. It’s whether you’d be comfortable if he did.

A decade after its discovery in the Taklamakan Desert, paleogeneticists in China have extracted and sequenced DNA from cheese found in a Bronze Age grave. What do you think?

The post Scientists Sequence DNA From 3,600-Year-Old Cheese appeared first on The Onion.

The post Norah O’Donnell To Candidates: ‘Tonight’s Debate Will Matter Just As Little As Both Of You’ appeared first on The Onion.

OTTAWA: A new poll by Abacus has found that the Liberals support has plummeted so low that the only support they have left is the Conservative Premiers who get to remain popular while Canadians blame Trudeau for things that are technically their domain. “In the last two weeks we’ve seen the Liberals totally fall off […]

The post Poll: Only Canadians still planning to vote for Trudeau are Conservative Premiers who get to blame him for all their failures appeared first on The Beaverton.

“You see these guys walking out with air conditioners with refrigerators on their back, the craziest thing. And the police aren’t allowed to do their job… if you had one day, like one real rough, nasty day… if you had one really violent day…one rough hour, and I mean real rough. The word will get out, and it will end immediately.” — Donald Trump speaking at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania.

Excuse me, Mr. Trump? I know you don’t usually take questions from the audience at these rallies, but seeing as how we’re deep into hour four, and you haven’t landed the plane on a single sentence, you’ve started in, well, quite a spell, I’m hoping exceptions might be made.

It’s just that, sir, I have a quick question about The Purge you’re proposing. Now, don’t you get me wrong, it all sounds GREAT. Suggesting a day of unrestrained nationwide looting and murdering as a response to scattered appliance theft sounds like the right move for sure. We can’t have law and order without the temporary removal of all laws to bring about a police state. Makes total sense. I guess I was just hoping to hear a little more detail on the logistics.

For starters, I’m wondering how all this will work on the back end. In the 2013 horror movie franchise of the same name on which your publicly stated proposal is directly lifted, the federal government suspends all police, fire, and emergency services for twelve hours. Would that include telehealth visits? I understand the good sense behind shutting down all the hospitals and letting us all have at each other, sure, sure. But what if I happen to be bothered by seasonal allergies that day, or my bloody leg stump gnawed off by a pack of feral divorced dads during the early hours of The Purge shows signs of infection? Seems easy enough for a doctor to pop on and prescribe me something on a secure video chat from his compound’s panic room.

Speaking of, will I have to meet my family deductible before I’m 70 percent covered for injuries sustained when my ex, Ronald, throws battery acid in my face? No judgment—I know he would only do that as a civic duty to help bring about your sensible vision of national peace and respect for local law enforcement. But it’s always helpful to know in advance if we’re talking small copay or big GoFundMe, you know? God, I just love this country so much. Land of the free. Land of the free.

While we’re on the topic, I haven’t heard you touch on specific health category policies. When I limp into the hospital with gaping machete wounds sustained during this Purge, will I still need a referral from my primary care doctor to see a specialist? What I mean is, if I drag my seeping, almost lifeless husk of a body into the internist’s office because my neighbor finally gets his visceral, violent revenge on me for using my leafblower a little too much in the mornings, do I need to call my regular PCP first to be able to schedule with the only doctor skilled enough to staunch the endless, dark blood pooling from my spleen onto the pavement?

Also, what about my elderly parents, who are on Medicaid? Will it change how they’re fixed or billed for post-Purge visits? Is there a maximum number of visits they’re covered for, or does the doctor need to get all the buckshot the HOA president sprays into my mom’s scalp at the first visit? She really can’t afford to pay much out of pocket after she sent her campaign donation to you last month. She’s on a fixed income, and we didn’t budget for this—or inflation. Thanks, Obama.

I can tell you’re really busy sticking it to anyone you feel has ever wronged you, no matter how slight, so I’ll wrap this up. I just have one more admittedly nitpicky question: Will my insurance company require pre-authorization to reattach any fingers the roving tween chainsaw gangs may cut off? It would be good to get a jump on that and get that pre-approved before a kindly anti-Purge group happens across what they assume is my lifeless, ruined corpse and speeds me to a makeshift clinic in a still-smoldering Fazoli’s. Of course, that would be right before I give a weak cough, and one of them exclaims, “Holy shit, they’re alive! Oh god, how are they alive?” to which the other gruffly replies, “God? There’s no god here. Not anymore. Not on Purge Night.” I guess my fear is I won’t be speaking much once the blood loss gets going, so I may not be in good enough shape for long and complicated insurance phone trees as I wait with the thousands of other twisted bodies in the field hospital’s tent triage line in this beautiful nation of states. Home of the brave. Home of the brave.

I don’t mean to sound negative. You’ve obviously thought this through, or you wouldn’t be saying it on a rally stage in a swing state mere weeks before a somehow still tight election. Still, this just feels more like the concept of a Purge plan than an actual plan. And I’m no doctor, but to my layman’s brain, it seems like we might want to flesh out the basic shape of your national healthcare policy before hard-launching your Purge plan.

Listen, I’m sure you and your team have thought it all through. It sounds like this night of complete and utter sanctioned anarchy and depraved lawlessness is just what this divided nation needs to tone down this heated rhetoric. Just one night where absolutely any act is allowed, and—

Oh, what’s that? Abortion will still be illegal during the Purge? Hey, I get that. This is America after all.

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Hoping to be able to rematerialize your loved ones after the next funding round.

Today's News:

TYLER, TX—Honing his brain imaging-form until sundown most nights, local high school quarterback Brendan Porter has reportedly used a tire swing this week to practice putting his head through a CT scanner. “With the big game coming up, I’m putting in the hours on this tire and making sure I’m prepared to remove any metallic objects or jewelry before lying down on the CT table,” said Porter, explaining that the more he worked on his control and held his body still as it passed through the tire swing’s opening, the better chance he’d have of getting a clear image of his excessive brain swelling that doctors could read and make a diagnosis from. “My dad was a star high school concussion patient, so he’s been showing me the ropes. I’m hoping to get admitted to the same hospital he went to. Trust me, when game day arrives and I have to be treated for internal cranial bleeding, I’ll be ready.” At press time, sources confirmed Porter was pumping himself up for the big scan while suiting up in his hospital gown.

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