WASHINGTON—In an evident attempt to walk back previous inflammatory statements, prospective Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified Thursday that although he now believes women should be allowed in combat roles, he still sees that as a huge turnoff. “While I want to state that I have nothing but respect for the female troops serving our country, it’s important to stress that thinking about that sort of thing is a real boner killer,” said Hegseth, adding that even a “total knockout, 10 out of 10″ would be marked down several points in his book if she were dressed up in a baggy, shapeless military uniform and given an assault rifle. “Personally, I believe there are several aspects of their biology that make women far better equipped to be sexy back on the homefront. It also really grosses me out thinking of them with, like, a butch buzz cut and muscles. It should be up to each individual servicewoman to decide whether she wants to be deployed to the front lines and turned into a total uggo. If not, there’s certainly a lot of room for them to look like absolute bombshells dressed as Army nurses.” Hegseth went on to suggest his mind might be changed if the military dress code were amended to require female soldiers to wear only a camouflage bra and panties on the battlefield.
LANCASTER, PA—Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy Amos Yoder suddenly and loudly shrieked ‘The harvest!’ on Thursday, according to Pennsylvania Dutch sources. “The crops, the crops! Amos, you old Wutz, you’ve gone and messed everything up again,” Yoder was overheard shouting as he hastily pulled on an overcoat and ran out to his field, where he reportedly fell to his knees and began brushing snow from the ground with his bare hands while groping blindly for rutabagas. “Oh no, all the squash is totally ruined! The corn, too. Ach, I was wondering why the autumn felt so relaxed this year. No way my entire family makes it through the winter now, and I already lost two daughters last year after forgetting the right way to store apples. Oh, I guess I forgot to harvest the apples, too. Shit! Samuel, son, go fetch the oxen—we have to salvage as much as we can! Eh? What do you mean they’re gone? Oh Christ, did I leave the gate open again?” At press time, reports confirmed Yoder had suffered a nervous breakdown after his neighbor stopped by to see if the barn he’d asked Yoder to raise would be ready by Friday.
REGINA, SK – In a groundbreaking speech, Dr. Jeremy Edgar of Fairmont Grover Health Research Institute, delivered new findings that the female body may have innate biological differences than male bodies. “This goes way beyond boobies and peepees,” said Dr. Edgar as he adjusted a blonde wig on a science lab skeleton in the name […]
This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.
It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.
The birthday celebrations continued for the next few birthdays after I wrote, but I gradually withdrew from them by saying I was too busy to do the prep work and/or doing a quick prep and then making up a conflict for the actual birthday presentation. Thankfully, this trend died out by the time my birthday rolled around, mostly because of multiple layoffs and resignations on the team, including the manager who was spearheading the whole thing. Afterwards, when we were back in the office more regularly, one of my coworkers confided in me how awful the presentations were and they were glad they stopped! We eventually went back to the usual email well wishes.
As a side note, I am no longer at that company, but looking back I see the whole incident as a symptom of the type of workplace we had, where small things often spiraled out of control due to a) the passivity of the overall team manager and the steamrolling nature of the other manager who led the charge and b) a culture in which nobody felt comfortable speaking up when they disagreed about how things were done. I now work on a team of three and our usual birthday celebrations consist of my boss taking all of us out to a nice lunch the next day we’re all in the office, which is great because I genuinely like my coworkers and we get to enjoy the fine dining in our town on the company dime.
Thanks again for your advice and the advice from the commenters!
I wrote to you about a year ago because my spouse wouldn’t wear noise-canceling headphones or earbuds to work from home, but was constantly shushing me and the kids. My first update was that I realized we were all on edge because one of my kids was suffering from significant anxiety and disrupted sleep at home, and addressing that improved everything.
Well, my second update is that I have moved out and we are going through a divorce. Thank you to the commenters who identified that this demand was a red flag and indicative of some pretty unreasonable expectations about family life and what our obligations were to support his needs. It really wasn’t about this moment but a bigger-picture inability to engage with our family.
It’s really hard right now, and we are all pretty sad, but unfortunately I think this will ultimately be healthier for me and for the kids. I appreciate the AAM community.
I wrote to you back in September 2016, and so much has changed since then. To sum it up: that job didn’t work out, and after being let go in February 2017, I focused on finishing my master’s before diving into the job search. I was determined not to settle for another bad fit, but with bills to pay, I worked temp jobs and did grocery delivery to fill the gap. Despite applying to hundreds of jobs, the rejections kept coming. By December 2018, I was in a very dark place. It had been over two years of searching with no results.
Then, I saw a job opening at a well-respected company in the community. I’d met the recruiter months before and reached out. He suggested a position I felt totally unqualified for, but he believed I had the soft skills they needed. Desperate, I agreed to an interview, and thanks to all the advice here from you and fellow readers, it ended up being the best one I’d ever had — and I got the job. The work was challenging, but my boss was amazing and helped me grow in ways I hadn’t imagined.
In mid-2021, our company was acquired, and by early 2022, my spouse’s health declined rapidly, making their ability to work uncertain. Once again, I was job hunting, but this time I had plenty of opportunities. I got an offer for a WFH job with unlimited PTO that doubled my salary. My old boss understood, having faced a similar situation herself when her husband became disabled 10 years earlier. I’ve been in this new role since summer 2022, and it’s been a great fit, and I have the flexibility to care for my spouse, who has a rare, but thankfully non-fatal neurological condition.
I’m writing to share two things: first, never underestimate your soft skills. If that recruiter hadn’t recognized mine, I wouldn’t have gotten that job. And second, I want to sincerely thank you. Ask a Manager changed my life. Thanks to it, I’m able to support my family on my salary and care for my spouse. I’m deeply grateful for you, and the advice and support of the AAM community.
MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday. “It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has resulted in this human male with visibly English traits, a sickly appearance, and a dour demeanor,” said veterinarian Jenna Masterson, explaining that several generations of artificial selection among closely re-lated specimens allowed maladaptive genetic mutations to amplify to the point where the canines began to exhibit pallid British skin, crooked teeth, and a Cockney accent. “While the small, balding appearance might seem cute to some, albeit in an ugly way, in reality this small British man is extremely feeble, in part because his ungainly jowls make it difficult for him to eat. As harsh as it may sound, we must acknowledge that perhaps this British man was not meant for our world.” At press time, reports confirmed the British man was put down by veterinarians after he became aggressive around Indian people.
WASHINGTON—Mounting a public campaign in an effort to determine the origin of the unrecognized foliage specimen, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland asked the nation for help Friday in identifying a leaf that she confirmed was “from a tree or something” but remained a mystery otherwise. “Have you seen this leaf before?” read a post on the secretary’s official Instagram account, requesting anyone who had seen the leaf before to contact a special Interior Department hotline, day or night, with any information that might lead to its successful identification. “None of us have, but operators are standing by to receive your tips on whether you think it’s from a tree, from a bush, or maybe some kind of ivy. It’s crinkly and has veins in it, so we know it’s not grass. Does grass even have leaves? Anyhow, we’re thinking oak or maple, but those are just shot-in-the-dark guesses, to be honest.” At press time, the department confirmed it had closed its investigation into the leaf after distracted officials confirmed there were some pretty cool rocks over there.
CLEVELAND—In an advertising choice that stunned observers with its sheer audacity, ballsy retirement home Sunrise Heights has an interracial couple right on the front of its brochure, sources confirmed Thursday. “Holy shit, they really just went for it, huh?” said local man Derek Allsworth, one of several people who shook their heads in begrudging respect at the nerve it took for an upscale senior living community to put a photograph “right front and center” of a smiling mixed-race couple enjoying a meal in their unit’s kitchen. “They didn’t even hide it a few pages in on the spread about intramural activities and yoga classes. You’ve gotta give it up for the cojones on these people. Christ.” At press time, sources reacted with shock after realizing the couple’s personal care attendant was white.
NEW YORK—Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he was planning a small, intimate Super Bowl with just friends and family. “This year, instead of a big blowout with over 83,000 fans, we’ll be keeping the guest list down to a reasonable number and having a quiet, low-key NFL championship,” said Goodell, adding that he only planned on inviting about a dozen people—including his brothers, their adult children, and a few of his golfing buddies—to watch the game at the Caesars Superdome over some drinks and light snacks. “I always love hosting the Super Bowl, but the idea of preparing hundreds of thousands of burgers and millions of gallons of beer just seemed like too much. Plus, I can never really hear what’s going on in the game over a stadium full of stupid, screaming fans. And everyone just comes for the halftime show, anyways.” At press time, Goodell responded to a litany of complaints from football fans by saying that if they wanted to host their own Super Bowls on Sunday, Feb. 9, they were more than welcome to.
In brief: It’s a very cold morning out there across Houston, but temperatures will now be on the upswing, with balmy weather expected this weekend and into early next week. We’ll also see a smattering of rain chances throughout the forecast period, but nothing too crazy. We cool down later next week.
Thursday
It’s a rather chilly morning, with most of the Houston area in the 30s. A few inland areas, including Conroe and Cleveland, have dropped to 30 degrees or below. However, this is the bottom of the temperature valley for Houston, and we’re now going to ride the rails upward to a plateau of moderate days and mild nights through at least next Monday or Tuesday.
Nearly all of Houston is in the 30s this morning except the immediate coast. (Weather Bell)
For today, specifically, skies will be mostly sunny with high temperatures in the mid-60s. With southeasterly winds in place, we’ll start to see a more moderate flow, and lows tonight will only drop into the low- to mid-50s for much of the area. By this evening we should see at least some partly cloudy skies as moisture levels increase in the atmosphere overhead.
Friday
Expect mostly cloudy skies on Friday, with high temperatures of around 70 degrees. I can’t entirely rule out a few light showers, but for the most part I don’t expect any rain. Friday night will be warm, with lows only in the lower 60s, and a slight chance of rain.
Saturday
A cold front will drop down into Texas this weekend, but most likely it will stall north of the metro area. This will lead to partly to mostly cloudy skies on Saturday, with perhaps a 50-50 chance of rain. Any showers that do develop will probably be light, so these will be a nuisance rather than seriously disruptive. Expect highs in the mid-70s. Saturday night looks warm and muggy, with lows only in the mid-60s.
Sunday
This will be a partly sunny and warmer day, with highs in the upper-70s. I’m hopeful that we’ll see some partly sunny skies, with only lower-end rain chances. In short, this is probably the better day for outdoor activities.
NOAA rain accumulation forecast for now through Monday night. (Weather Bell)
Next week
Monday looks warm and partly sunny, with a decent chance of rain, before a weak front arrives Monday night-ish. Tuesday and Wednesday will probably be a bit cooler before a second, and stronger push of colder air arrives later on Wednesday or early Thursday to bring seasonal weather back into Houston for December, which is to say highs in the 60s and lows near 40 degrees. It may be a little warmer or even colder than this through next weekend. We’ll see. Alas, it’s still too early to have much confidence in a Christmas Day forecast. It’s just too early and the models are bouncing all around.
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford’s government successfully passed a bill today allowing municipalities to create bike paths throughout the province so long as they lead to a wall with the image of a tunnel painted on it. The government has earmarked $250,000 for the project, primarily for paint supplies. Premier Doug Ford said, “I was […]
I wrote last year about my insufferable coworker “Craig” who habitually interrupted meetings to Craig-splain basic concepts to me. I have a two-part update:
1. Your response to my letter was very helpful in making me see just how blatantly obnoxious this behavior was and that I shouldn’t just be enduring it. The reader comments were very supportive and offered a lot of great retorts to Craig’s blatherings, which I harvested and kept in a file on my phone so I could deploy them as needed. But I also finally went to upper management about the pattern. I believe somebody did bring Craig to a reckoning, as the frequency of the incidents drastically decreased, which was great — although I was slightly disappointed to never get to use most of the suggested replies.
2. Some months later, I got a repeat call from an annoying recruiter, about a position in which I had no interest. The recruiter kept telling me the position was very prestigious, would gain me a lot of respect in my field, class up my resume, etc. It was a not-great role, at a company type I avoid, in a location at which I don’t want to work … and it suddenly dawned on me who would actually be flattered by this sales pitch! I sicced the recruiter on Craig (just gave him Craig’s contact info, absolutely no praise or endorsement of any sort), and soon Craig was off to this dubiously-prestigious new job. I feel a little guilty for inflicting him on his new coworkers. Maybe I should anonymously forward them the list of Craig-diffusing meeting interruption retorts.
Your advice was really helpful, as were some of the comments (though many assumed that my colleague was making drugs after hours? Which is a wild thing to jump to, in my opinion!).
So a couple of quick notes:
A few commenters guessed correctly that safety isn’t actually my job, just something that was assigned to me because someone needed to do it. When I wrote in, all of my knowledge was based on personal research and reading guidance materials. I was in a position to make recommendations but I didn’t have any authority. I scheduled a meeting with my boss to talk about what that meant for me, legally, and his stance was that at the end of the day, I’m not on the hook for us being out of compliance. Making the company aware of safety issues was, at the end of the day, just a nice thing for me to do to help protect my colleagues. It’s the responsibility of the company to hire a trained safety specialist to manage compliance, and once we have the capital to make that happen, he will. In the meantime, he just wanted me to make sure that no one was storing open bottles of ethanol next to a soldering iron or wearing open-toed high heels while making 12M hydrochloric acid solution.
ALSO: THAT THING ABOUT OSHA NOT KICKING IN UNTIL YOU HAVE 11 EMPLOYEES IS A MYTH! OSHA guidance becomes mandatory as soon as you have TWO employees. The 11-employee thing is about reporting and posting injuries with the 300, 300A, and 301 logs.
Some people insisted that staying at the lab late was a definite, sure sign that my colleague was up to something nefarious, and he couldn’t possibly be a “good” coworker if he was having emotional outbursts or breaking rules. This is a thing I’ve noticed a lot while reading AAM comments: people tend to jump to the worst conclusions about what’s happening in the background, and have a really hard time believing that people can be complicated. My colleague has saved my butt more times than I can count, he is a team player to a fault, extremely detail oriented, and great to work with. Behaving badly in one area, or for a specific, limited time frame, does not erase that. (Note from Alison: Thank you pointing this out.)
The actual update:
I did end up mentioning it to my boss. My thought at the time was that, even if I wasn’t legally on the hook for anything, if he did get hurt or sick from working alone, I would never be able to forgive myself. I focused on the legal aspect when I wrote in originally because I felt like I didn’t have standing to say anything on any other basis, in part because he had insisted so vehemently that it was none of my business. Reading the responses helped me realize that actually, yeah, it was my business, for a whole slew of reasons.
It didn’t get fixed immediately, but I think coming forward helped flag the larger issue for my boss and his supervisor, who were able to communicate to him how big of an issue his general behavior had been over the previous few months. I don’t want to share too much of his business, but he was dealing with some really severe personal things and basically wasn’t able to sleep at all. Once he realized that we weren’t going to let it go, he made an effort to address the personal stuff, and over the next few months things got measurably better.
I want to be really clear about this: he wasn’t just being a jerk for fun or because he doesn’t care about people. He was dealing with things that no one should ever have to deal with, some of which were systemic and outside of his control, and it took tremendous effort for him to address those things (Extremely redacted version: a medical professional almost killed him through pure ineptitude and ego. Anyone here with a chronic, invisible illness is probably familiar with how hard it is to get doctors to admit that they made a mistake, or to listen to you about your symptoms.)
Things are much better now! I got some additional, real training on lab safety, I have a better understanding of the expectations for my role, and my colleague is back to working normal hours and being a pleasure to be around.
This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.
Several years ago, a reader shared with us this epic email that was sent by their company’s boss after a holiday party gone terribly awry, and as we enter the holiday season we remember its glory.
“This happened about ten years ago, but the email I received from our boss was so epic I preserved it.
Context: The second year I worked at this company, our holiday party was held on a dinner cruise boat. Our boss footed the bill for dinner and an open bar, and a few other companies also hosted their own parties on the boat at the same time. Since I was underage at the time, I did not drink, and actually left early with my date. Everything was fine when I left. The Monday after, I rolled into the office– the first person there– and was greeted with this email from our boss [identifying details removed]:
‘Good morning to all. I hope all of you had time to recuperate and reflect about the unusual chain of events and circumstances at this year’s Christmas party. Some of you went home early and did not take in the full range of events.
Unfortunately, some of our staff got out of hand, including the spouses. Things were said, and things were done, that quite frankly were very inappropriate. Also, we had people from the adjoining group that decided to take advantage of our open bar and co-mingle with our group.
In regards to the inappropriate behavior, I am not going to go into all of the details, but let it be said that the root cause was probably due to the open bar. Some of our staff decided that the open bar meant that the drinking could be unlimited, not only in how much, but how they drank. As a result, some our staff and spouses decided that shots were OK. Shots were ordered for some who do not even drink. Shots are not OK at a company Christmas party. Other staff and spouses got multiple drinks at once for themselves and for people not even in our group. Others decided it was OK to get openly drunk and beligerent, to the point of making racial slurs. I, myself, am guilty of attacking someone from the other group after he decided to retaliate by groping my wife.
Having thought about the circumstances and the fact that we have to work together as a firm and team, some of you need to apologize for your behavior and/or for the behavior of your spouse. We specifically implemented a no fraternization policy and some of you could get fired on that alone, while other staff exercised no restraint over their spouse for their drunken condition. It is not OK for a spouse to misbehave, just because he or she is not an employee. Many careers have been destroyed, and people get fired, due to the conduct of their spouse. You are expected to exercise constraint over your spouse, or take them home. And if that cannot be done, then you should not bring your spouse.
In regards to the Firm’s policy on drinking, there will be no more open bars. Unfortunately, some of you and your spouses exercise extremely poor judgment. Because of this poor judgment, it puts the Firm at risk. Given the poor road conditions that night, some of you could have ended up dead. It is also unfortunate that a few have to ruin it for the whole group.
I would like to start the apologies by stating I am sorry for not handling the situation that I was confronted with in a different manner. I feel embarrassed, and it was not conduct befitting of the firm’s president. I also felt betrayed by some of you for patronizing the one individual from the adjoining group, who’s behavior was lewd and offensive, not to mention the outright theft by running up our bar tab.
I invite others to make some form of apology, either by email or in person for what they did or said, or what their spouse did or said. You can do this voluntarily, and you know who you are, or I will confront you by Wednesday of this week. I do not intend to ignore what happened. If I have to confront you, you could lose your job. I will be available Monday and Tuesday late afternoon, or you can email me and/or others. Let’s not let this one incidence stop us from being [#1 company in field]. We have a lot going for ourselves and let’s keep it going.’”
This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.
It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.
I tried to talk to my boss about her bringing her sick child to work with her. I tried to start with a lighthearted “they should be home watching the Price is Right,” but she shut down the conversation with a tirade about how hard it is to run a business and have kids, so I dropped the issue. Since then, I could tell that she’s had a shorter and shorter fuse, so I avoided bringing it up. I think her child must have had a good stretch of not being sick, because I didn’t see them for a while.
Unfortunately, she then scheduled to have her business renovated. The working conditions were by no means safe, but she refused to close. I brought up the safety issues multiple times, trying to frame it as “how can we figure this out together,” but she would throw up her hands and say that people would just have to deal with it. Another downside of the renovations is that she’s been so stressed about it that she turned me into her “emotional release valve.” She would lecture me for not doing things I was never told about, immediately blamed for things other people did, and whenever I fixed something she would refuse to acknowledge that I had fixed it and instead just find something else to complain about.
Long story short, I quit and cited unsafe working conditions. I also filed a health and safety complaint with the labor board.
Thank you for the advice (and all of the suggestions and support from other readers). Hopefully my next job will be better.
I followed your advice exactly. I told the employee that it would be very hard for us to make a case for the role, and if we were successful, the role would probably be moved to a different department. I was also honest about his current qualifications and how he’d need to close a gap between his current qualification and what’s needed in the role he wanted. I indicated that if he still wanted to pursue this, the first step would be to draft a document that actually makes his case. I also said that the easiest way for him to get this job, if he really wants a job like the one he’s creating, would like be to find it somewhere else where it currently exists (or exists as closely as possible to his ideal job).
I left all this in his court. I’ve heard nothing on this. However, this conversation ended up redirecting the employee. Rather than pursuing this job he’d imagined for himself, he has a renewed interest in his current job, even with regards to parts of his job that he didn’t previously have interest in. He seems to be happy for the moment.
Thank you very much for replying to my letter and your excellent advice!
I’m happy to report that I took your (and your readers’) advice and walked away. I thought that was probably what I needed to do, but it was so nice to hear it from someone else when I felt like maybe I was giving up too soon.
When I gave notice at my old job, Malcolm’s reaction was shock. “But I didn’t think you were that unhappy!” was what he said. As if I hadn’t, more than once, told him “I cannot do my job like this and we have to change things.” He tried to counteroffer and promised to give the changes a try, but I knew he’d never follow through and politely declined.
I handed off my projects, checked in with those people periodically to see if they were doing ok or needed help, and otherwise took my hands off the wheel. I didn’t earn much those two weeks (we got paid based on chargeable hours), but it was worth it for the break.
I did a pretty honest exit interview and gave Malcolm some feedback for what would have kept me from leaving. I hope it helps my replacement, who was one of the team leads, is great at her job, and could really improve things if given the chance.
I’m now working for a private company in a role that is more suited to my professional skillset. Compensation is similar, I’m on salary (no overtime!), and I don’t have to manage people. I’m very happy!
Funny enough, there is no update. Since writing that, he has not asked for a ride. He ended up getting a new vehicle and has not had any issues with it, knock on wood. He’s still a quirky and awkward man, but I haven’t had to give him rides anywhere. There have been a couple instances where we go off site somewhere and he has asked if we want to ride together, and I just always say no I’m taking my own car, and that’s that.
Yes, they want to dismantle the DOE, increase censorship, and take money from already underfunded public schools to give to private schools, but maybe they’re too incompetent to accomplish all that right away. Maybe the wrestling lady will only last one or two Scaramuccis. Maybe they’ll get sidetracked arguing about whether adjectives should be banned along with pronouns. Maybe my school can pretend to be the British kind of “public school” where “public” means “private.” Anything is possible.
I have lots to be grateful for.
When I feel overwhelmed by how many papers I need to grade, I will see it as a sign that I love my job. Instead of complaining, I will savor the papers and hold them tight—my precious, precious student papers.
I can’t control what other people think of me, only what I think of myself.
I am turning down negativity and turning up positivity.
I won’t have to worry about closing the COVID-19 achievement gap once the next pandemic creates new gaps. I won’t be required to sponsor clubs when the only club is church. I can skip taking recertification classes every few years since soon the only requirement for certification will probably be making out with a flag or something. I’m about to have so much self-care time. Maybe I can finally brush my hair.
I can treat my problems as opportunities.
When the King James Bible becomes the only textbook I’m permitted to use, the kids are going to get a kick out of reading aloud from all the passages containing the word “ass.” Then guess who’s suddenly going to be the cool teacher?
I am surrounded by people who care about me.
I am blessed to have many wonderful people in my life. People who understand me. People who love me unconditionally. People who depend on me for the health insurance I get through my job.
I can adapt when necessary.
I have skills to fall back on, even if my school is shut down and turned into a scrapyard for discarded Cybertrucks. For example, I might remember enough from my evangelical upbringing to find employment at a religious school. The culture seems to have changed a bit in recent years, though. Less “Our God is an awesome God,” and more “Praise is the water my enemies drown in.” But I know I still have all my long denim skirts somewhere.
I will use healthy coping mechanisms.
Not SSRIs, though–I don’t want to wind up at one of RFK Jr.’s wellness farms. Of course, he never actually said people would be sent to farms against their will. He simply suggested, as someone who will soon be in charge of public health, that being “reparented” on government farms is a valid alternative to taking medications prescribed by doctors.
I can thrive outside of my comfort zone.
When I do get sent to a farm, it’ll be nice to reconnect with my ADHD students. I am always looking for more project-based learning experiences for them.
I am appreciated for what I do.
If I die from picking organic vegetables from sunup to sundown, maybe they’ll put my name on that Fallen Educators monument in Kansas. It was originally created because of school shootings, but they include all kinds of dead teachers now.
I can put things in perspective.
Thinking about it objectively, I’m not in more danger than anyone else. Trump will have the nuclear codes again, so everyone on Earth is equally unsafe. There’s something comforting in that, right?
No matter what happens around me, I can create peace in my heart.
Of course, I can’t hide my trans, BIPOC, and undocumented students in my heart. My heart can’t stop little boys from saying, “Your body, my choice,” to little girls. My heart can’t buy summer meals for all the kids about to lose them, which makes it hard to have peace in my heart sometimes. Of course, there is always sleep. So peaceful.
About a month ago, Advance Auto Parts announced they intended to close 523 locations in response to poor earnings. While the plan is not set to be complete until 2027, HHR has identified six locations soon to close within the Houston area. These stores were part of 16 locations across Texas, which had WARN notices issued last month. The ten other stores are spread across the DFW area. All locations visited by HHR were confirmed ...
On October 15, the Texas Education Agency (TEA) released a Special Investigation Report of Findings stating that controversial Houston ISD Superintendent Mike Miles and others associated with the Colorado-based nonprofit charter school network Third Future Schools (TFS) and Third Future Schools-Texas (TFS-Texas) committed no wrongdoing during the three years when $49 million in state and federal education dollars granted to TFS-Texas were managed by, transferred to, or extracted as fees by the Colorado nonprofit.
The TEA report was prompted by investigative stories published by Spectrum News and the Texas Observer earlier this year, in addition to a letter sent to TEA by state Representative Ana Hernandez following the Spectrum story. The TEA report concluded: “No violations of applicable laws have occurred by either the Partnering Districts or Third Future Schools – Texas.”
But the TEA report did not address some issues raised in the news outlets’ investigations, including: the reasons for a financial deficit run by TFS-Texas, which may have run afoul of agreements with Texas school districts; whether the nonprofits had complied with federal tax reporting requirements meant to ensure transparency and proper spending of public dollars; and whether TFS-Texas had complied with provisions of the Texas Business Organization Code.
Following the report’s release, the Observer obtained exhibits—which the report cited but did not include—through an open records request, in addition to interviewing experts for this story. The exhibits reveal, among other things, that TFS-Texas had also moved money out of state to its Louisiana entity, raising a new question about its stewardship of Texas education funds.
Houston ISD Superintendent Mike Miles speaks to reporters during a press conference in 2023. (Jon Shapley/Houston Chronicle via AP)
Before he was appointed by TEA in June 2023 to helm Houston ISD as part of an unpopular state takeover of the school district, Miles led the Colorado-based TFS charter network. Founded in 2016, TFS ran three schools in the Centennial State under Miles as CEO. In 2020, Miles began expanding operations into Texas under a separate nonprofit entity, TFS-Texas, which during his tenure entered into agreements to run three schools in Midland, Ector County, and Austin ISDs. These agreements were made pursuant to Senate Bill 1882, a 2017 state law that incentivizes districts to hand over struggling public school campuses to private operators in exchange for extra funding, a two-year suspension of any sanctions over performance ratings, and a reprieve from potential state takeover. These in-district charters that SB 1882 incentivized are governed by a different state statute—Subchapter C, Chapter 12, Texas Education Code—than are most charter schools.
In May, Spectrum News reported that, as of mid-2023, TFS-Texas was running a $2.7 million deficit.Spectrum reported that this shortfall may have resulted from the TFS parent nonprofit using Texas tax dollars to cover debts related to its Colorado charter schools, citing comments from TFS staff members and an internal audit stating: “This deficit is caused by the liabilities to other TFS network schools and to TFS corporate.” Spectrum also reported that the Colorado entity had been left with about $5 million in debt from a bond for one of its schools that closed last year due to low enrollment. By June 2023, the Colorado entity’s negative fund balance was $16 million.
In July, an Observer investigation raised further questions about whether the operations of TFS-Texas had run afoul of a number of state and federal requirements. The Observer reported that: TFS-Texas had not disclosed its financial arrangement with TFS on partnership applications filed with the state; neither nonprofit disclosed their relationship on federal IRS Form 990 tax filings; TFS-Texas had failed to maintain a physical address where legal papers can be served; TFS-Texas nonprofit board members were not signatories on its bank account; and TFS-Texas had gone almost a year without opening a bank account in Texas.
In its October investigation report, TEA stated, “There is no merit to the allegations contained in the media reports that state funds were being inappropriately diverted from public school students,” finding that all transfers and fees were appropriate under Texas law. The report also stated that TFS-Texas was not required, under state law, to disclose its arrangements with TFS in the applications filed with the state. The report also revealed that an older TFS-Texas bank account had been opened, prior to that originally identified by the Observer (contradicting a statement a TFS-Texas spokesperson had previously given the Observer).
Many of the report’s findings hinge on the distinction between Subchapter C, Chapter 12, of the Texas Education Code, which covers the in-district TFS-Texas charters, and another subchapter, which contains far more requirements and governs most other charters. Charters like the TFS-Texas schools have “full autonomy over campus operations and the campus budget,” TEA said, and the state ed agency “has no authority over the authorization of the Subchapter C district campus charter schools, the funding structure between the Partnering District and the operating partner, or how the operating partner implements its program with those funds.”
Per TEA, these in-district Subchapter C schools can send money out of state to their affiliates to manage and extract fees without a formal written contract or a disclosure to the state or district, unless the school district specifies otherwise in its own contract with the charter.
TEA said in its report that it “does not have jurisdiction over or authority to investigate alleged inaccuracies in federal tax reporting,” though the agency did weigh in to say that it is not federal law but rather Internal Revenue Service (IRS) “guidance” that nonprofit boards include bank account signatories.
The TEA investigation was led by Theresa Shutey, who previously worked as a math teacher and instructional coach before joining the agency’s Special Investigative Unit two years ago, according to TEA records obtained by the Observer. TEA spokesperson Jake Kobersky told the Observer that “more than 10 SIU staff members,” and “four additional teams within the agency worked on the investigation, including Charter Authorizing, Compliance Review, Financial Compliance, and legal.”
Kobersky declined to answer detailed questions related to the investigation, providing the following written statement via email instead: “The final investigative report and associated exhibits … very clearly lay out the scope and nature of the investigation. Please refer back to those materials. The investigation is closed. TEA has no additional comment.” In an additional comment, Kobersky accused the Observer of “bias” that “continues to prevent the Texas Observer from covering this topic accurately and correctly.”
TFS did not respond to most of the Observer’s specific questions for this story. Spokesperson Whitney Nichols wrote in an email, “The Texas Education Agency conducted an investigation on Austin ISD, Ector ISD, and Midland ISD on allegations of misuse of funds. TFS cooperated fully with this investigation. TEA released their findings and found no misuse of funds with the districts and TFS.”
Among the issues TEA did not address in its report was whether TFS-Texas’ deficit, first reported by Spectrum, ran afoul of agreements with its partner school districts. Both Austin ISD’s contract for Mendez Middle School and Ector County ISD’s contract for Ector College Prep list maintaining a “positive cash flow” as one of the organization’s “financial performance goals,” stating the districts may terminate their agreements if these targets are not met. TFS-Texas did not end its 2022 or 2023 fiscal years with a positive cash balance, according to its IRS Form 990 tax filings and financial statements, the latter being detailed reports that are created as part of annual audits.
Ector County ISD recently decided not to renew its three-year contract with TFS-Texas, which ended in June 2024. School district spokesperson Michael Adkins told the Observer: “In year two, Third Future didn’t make the mark on all the financial goals and the board did not decide to take corrective action. By year three there was no need to take corrective action because the board had already determined it would not renew the contract.”
Austin ISD is currently set to review its own contract for renewal. In an email, district spokesperson Cristina Nguyen told the Observer, “While the 2023 Third Future Schools financial report showed a shortfall, TFS-TX Superintendent Zach Craddock assured Austin ISD officials the shortfall was made up with private foundation dollars.”
SIGN UP FOR TEXAS OBSERVER EMAILS
Get our latest in-depth reporting straight to your inbox.
TEA’s investigative report did not analyze the reasons for TFS-Texas’ deficit or state exactly how the administrative fees paid to the Colorado entity were determined. Both TEA and TFS have cited a ten percent cap of TFS-Texas revenues for these fees, which translates to around a couple million dollars a year for TFS-Texas. Accounting records included in the report’s exhibits show TFS-Texas paid a total of $1.8 million in “network support” fees in the 2023 fiscal year, while the nonprofit’s IRS Form 990 for the same year shows an expense of $1.5 million for “management fees.” The Colorado parent entity’s financial statement for that year states cryptically: “During the year ended June 30, 2023, the School provided professional services to the Third Future Schools Texas Network. At June 30, 2023, the School reports revenue from the provision of professional services in the amount of $—. Of this amount, $2,389,276 is reported as an amount from related parties on the School’s balance sheet.”
Further, the exhibits show, TFS-Texas also paid $165,000 to the network’s Louisiana entity in November 2023 for curriculum materials and reimbursements. In early November, Louisiana Secretary of State Nancy Landry told the Observer over the phone that TFS-Louisiana was “not in good standing” because it failed to file an annual report updating basic organizational information in May.
TEA’s investigation concluded that there was “no effort to hide” the relationship between the Texas and Colorado entities from partner Texas school districts as that relationship is mentioned in the Texas nonprofit’s bylaws, which were provided to the districts, and as general notes in the Texas entity’s financial statements. TFS-Texas’ bylaws state that the “Colorado nonprofit corporation shall be the sole member of TFS-TX.” In other words, TFS controls the Texas entity, with the authority to “adopt resolutions electing members of the Board of Directors of TFS-TX.”
TFS-Texas’ disclosures may have satisfied the requirements of state education law, per TEA, but Dana Forgione, a certified public accountant, fraud examiner, and professor of accounting at Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi, told the Observer, in a phone interview, that there are additional reporting requirements for nonprofits in federal tax law. “If the entity in Colorado is the sole principal of the entity in Texas, and has full authority to appoint the board, set the bylaws and extract 10 percent of revenues as a management fee; then, in my opinion, that sounds like they are related parties. It sounds like a controlled entity; it sounds like 100 percent control,” Forgione said. “You have to provide detailed financial disclosures [to the IRS], the fair market value of the transactions, the board oversight of the contract management arrangement, any amount of excessive fees, any loss of control.”
The IRS requires related or controlled entities to report on Schedule R (Form 990) transactions that an organization has with related entities. TFS-Texas did not file any Schedule R forms from 2021 through 2023, which tax experts say would have needed to document payments to out-of-state entities, as well as transfers that TEA described in its report as “temporary payment of philanthropic funds” and related “reimbursements.”
“That sounds like one of them controls the other and it isn’t being reported,” said Richard Sansing, a professor of accounting at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth University, in an interview. “The absence of a Schedule R looks puzzling.”
The IRS requires the reporting of transactions between related entities because “What the IRS gets concerned about is that one entity is going to suck all the resources out of another one,” Forgione said. “They’re worried about whether the mission of this organization is being served, or is the mission being exploited?”
TFS-Texas’ tax preparer and internal auditor, Richard Brozewicz, did not respond to questions about the IRS Form 990s.
In addition to state education funding, TFS-Texas has received federal funding—passed on from its three partner school districts—in the form of pandemic-relief ESSER funds, Title I funding for low-income students, and IDEA funds for students with disabilities, according to district records. Those records show that in its 2023 fiscal year the nonprofit received $5.1 million in federal funds and $928,000 the prior year.
As a recipient of more than $750,000 in federal funding in those fiscal years, TFS-Texas may have been required to file a “single audit”—a financial and compliance audit meant to demonstrate that the recipient organization has adequate internal controls and has complied with federal program requirements—according to the administrative regulations of the Federal Single Audit Act. TFS-Texas filed a single audit covering fiscal year 2021 but filed no single audit for 2022 or 2023, according to the Federal Audit Clearinghouse. Its partner school districts did file single audits, though they lack per-school award information. A Midland ISD spokesperson told the Observer, “Third Future Schools (TFS) is responsible for its audit filings.”
William Bennet, an Office of the Inspector General auditor with the U.S. Department of Education told the Observer via email, “All subrecipients that expend $750,000 or more in federal awards are required to have a single audit conducted,” or a “program-specific” audit for some recipients who received only one type of federal award.
The U.S. Department of Education also announced in March that the TFS Colorado entity would receive an $18.5 million grant “to turn around 45 chronically failing schools over the next five years” in Colorado, Louisiana, Tennessee, and Texas.
TEA’s investigation also did not address questions about whether TFS-Texas has complied with a requirement in the state Business Organization Code that Texas entities’ registered agents have a physical Texas address where an entity can be served legal papers, not just a post office box. As of mid-October, TEA still directed a letter—announcing its investigation’s conclusion—to an address for TFS-Texas that the Observer previously reported the organization had vacated more than a year ago.
Exhibits in TEA’s investigative report also included a June 2024 bank record for TFS-Texas and an August 2024 bank record for the Colorado entity. Those documents still list Miles as a signatory but none of the nonprofits’ current board members, as listed on their websites as of December 2024. Houston ISD spokesperson Jose Irizarry responded to inquiries the Observer sent to Miles, stating, “The superintendent is no longer involved in any way with Third Future Schools’ finances or operations.”
Rick Cohen, a spokesperson for the National Council of Nonprofits said that while federal law does not require that board members be signatories on bank accounts, it is “not best practice” when a nonprofit board lacks signatories. “The board is the body that’s ultimately responsible for the finances,” Cohen said in an interview. “As a signatory, they [board members] have access to see what’s going on in the account and make sure that money isn’t being moved to a place where it’s not supposed to move.”
Some critics have questioned whether the TEA’s investigation of Miles posed a conflict of interest for the agency, which took over Houston ISD in 2023 and appointed Miles to run the state’s largest school district.
Congress member Sylvia Garcia previously told the Observer, “TEA investigating Mike Miles is like the fox guarding the hen house.” Both Garcia and Congress member Al Green have separately called on the U.S. Department of Education to investigate the TFS network, and Green requested the U.S. Department of Justice to conduct a probe. Catherine Grant, public affairs liaison with the Education Department’s Office of Inspector General responded to the Observer’s inquiries about the status of an investigation, stating, “All we can share with you is that we received the lawmakers’ letters from the Department. To be helpful, please know that per our policy, the OIG does not generally confirm nor deny whether it is conducting any particular work. This long standing policy is in place to protect and maintain the integrity of any possible OIG effort.”
Green told the Observer of the TEA report: “I don’t think they [TEA] looked closely enough at some of the things that happened. So I will wait for the federal government to give its report and trust that it will drill down so that we can get to the bottom of what happens when our tax dollars here are sent out of state. This does not make sense, and it cannot make good dollars and cents for taxpayers here.”
Three weeks after the report came out, 58 percent of Houston voters shot down a $4.4 billion bond package for the Miles-run school district. “The people here don’t want him [Miles] to manage the funds, in no small part because of the way he has managed funds in the past and people don’t agree that you can take Texas tax dollars and allow it to leave the state of Texas,” Green said in an interview prior to the November election.
A sign opposing the HISD bond (Courtesy/Melissa Yarborough)
In August, following the Observer’s reporting, state House Representative Gene Wu led nine other legislators in calling for Attorney General Ken Paxton to audit the TFS nonprofits and review them for compliance with state laws. Wu told the Observer in an interview that the AG’s office has not yet responded, adding, “We knew that they [TEA] would probably not do a proper investigation, but I think this is actually worse. They completely ignored all the different points that people have brought up. … I hope my sarcasm comes out right on paper to say, I’m shocked that the agency that appointed Mike Miles finds that he’s done nothing wrong.”
Lawmakers and public education experts also noted that TEA’s investigation of TFS-Texas—which concluded that in many cases the charter had not violated requirements because no requirements existed in the Subchapter C statute or SB 1882—actually highlighted serious weaknesses in the state law that authorizes such charters.
Patty Quinzi is director of public affairs and legislative counsel with the Texas-American Federation of Teachers, which is now calling for changes to the charter school law based in part on the TEA’s findings.
“The lack of financial accountability and transparency is why you’re seeing things like this happen with Mike Miles,” Quinzi said in an interview. “The reason why TEA said there was no wrongdoing is because technically Mike Miles did not break the [Subchapter C or SB 1882] law. There is nothing in state law that says charter schools cannot send Texas tax dollars to their out of state affiliates.”
Democratic state Senator José Menéndez, coauthor of SB 1882, said the law should not lead to charter schools skirting other laws like federal tax reporting requirements: “I think it’s disgusting and unbelievable the TEA could find no wrongdoing, that they could either ignore federal laws or choose not to see the abuse.” He added that TEA’s investigation report revealed “a complete total abuse and bastardization of the intent of the law,” adding that the agency’s report helped highlight what changes he intends to propose in the next legislative session.
“I can’t believe that TEA is saying that there’s no wrongdoing when they’re taking tax dollars from our system that’s meant for our kids here in Texas to Colorado,” Menéndez said, noting that Texas ranks among the lowest in state funding for public education. “I don’t understand how anybody could be that callous or thoughtless that we’re fighting for every single dollar when we have not increased funding. … And they think it’s okay to take some of our limited resources to Colorado. Do they really think we’re not going to react?”
A yearslong effort to bring high-speed rail to Texas has recently shown signs of life, but state lawmakers have consistently put up roadblocks to keep it from happening.
This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.
It’s round 2 of the Worst Boss of 2024 voting. In the first round we narrowed the pool from eight nominees to four (see results here). The four winners from round one are paired off in two match-ups below, as we move closer to declaring a winner.
Voting is now closed. The results in this round were:
I ended up also discussing my situation with my therapist and a close friend who is in the social work field, both of whom had similar responses to you. I then met with my manager to share how Mark’s behaviour impacted me and to raise my concerns about bringing him into an already fraught environment to offer training on such a sensitive topic. I told her that after a lot of reflection and discussion with trusted support people I had come to understand that I didn’t do anything wrong and certainly hadn’t bullied Mark. My manager revealed that she also didn’t feel good after Mark made the accusations, and that she had questioned his behavior in the initial meeting as well. After we talked I didn’t feel the need to meet with Mark again, so I left it up to her to follow up with him however she saw fit.
Disappointingly, our organization went ahead with the training that Mark had been contracted to do. During the training he singled me out a few times in ways that were subtle enough that others wouldn’t notice, but felt quite pointed. We also had a couple of brief 1-1 interactions where he was very cold with me. Thanks to the support I received from you (and your readers) and the other people I talked to, I felt confident and didn’t react to his behaviour. Incidentally, Mark also made a few off-color and sexually suggestive comments during his presentation, which just underscored how unsuitable he is for the type of work he does! It made some of my colleagues uncomfortable enough to bring it to the attention of management. He had been scheduled for a second follow-up training, but he never came back and we didn’t hear anymore about it.
I have since moved on from the organization to go back to school and I find there is a lot less stress in my life. Thanks again to you and your commenters for all of the thoughtful responses and advice.
P.S. I just realized I forgot to mention the original bully. They are still working for the organization and to my knowledge their behaviour has never been addressed directly. You and a number of commenters correctly pointed out that my former manager’s refusal to manage this issue was at the root of the problem. I think she believes the bully will quit if she tries to address their behaviour directly and since the bully has a unique set of skills, they would be difficult to replace as the organization operates in a very niche sector. As a result the manager has prioritized retaining one problem employee at the expense of an entire department’s wellbeing. I don’t foresee anything changing as long as she is the manager and I am happy I walked away when I did.
DESIGNER 1: The investors want us to make extremely small urban apartments more enjoyable. Got any ideas?
DESIGNER 2: Yes. Extremely small balconies.
DESIGNER 1: That’s genius. How small are we talking?
DESIGNER 2: Just big enough for one person to stand.
DESIGNER 1: How about half as big?
DESIGNER 2: That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. But is that still too big?
DESIGNER 1: Yes. Let’s make them smaller.
DESIGNER 2: I’ve never lived in the city, but it feels like we’re onto something.
DESIGNER 1: Me neither, and I completely agree.
DESIGNER 3: Hey, I heard you’re working on an extremely small urban apartment project. Do you need more help from someone who has also never lived in a city?
DESIGNER 1: Yes.
DESIGNER 3: Perfect. Let’s put some balconies in complete shade and some in direct sunlight. Never anything in between.
DESIGNER 2: And there should always be something dripping from the balcony above, even when it’s dry outside.
DESIGNER 1: You know what would be great? If the exhaust vent from the neighbor’s dryer was positioned at eye level on each balcony so you have to smell your neighbor’s clothes.
DESIGNER 2: Outstanding. But which apartments should have a balcony?
DESIGNER 1: Only the ones facing a major highway. It’s my understanding that people who live in cities like seeing, smelling, and hearing traffic at all times.
DESIGNER 3: I couldn’t agree more. I have a cousin who visited a city once, and he said that everyone there does traffic as a hobby. Also, they hate privacy.
DESIGNER 1: Terrific. We’ll put all of the balconies really close to each other.
DESIGNER 2: Wait, we forgot to enclose the balconies with the strongest metal railings ever made. The whole reason people move to cities is because they yearn for strong metal things and hate things that are soft and natural.
DESIGNER 1: Plus, they need something to tie their clotheslines to, which is a thing they all use.
DESIGNER 3: Just make sure there are wide enough gaps between the railings to accidentally drop things through.
DESIGNER 1: Great idea. What’s the point of having an extremely small balcony if not for exposing yourself to the possibility of killing a passerby with a small household item?
(All designers nod in agreement.)
DESIGNER 3: Hey, I have a question for another project I’m on: Do city people like access to parking?
DESIGNER 1: Only if it’s underground, extremely difficult to use. And smells like pee.
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself.
- - -
Dear Mrs. McCallister,
In 1990, I was about the same age as your son Kevin, and he and I were on the same wavelength—that is to say, I judged the hell out of your parenting. Poor Kevin. The youngest of an indeterminate number of kids, with an antagonistic older brother, a creepy uncle, nasty cousins picking on him in his own home… and a mother who couldn’t give him the time of day.
You said it yourself, Mrs. McCallister: “What kind of mother am I?”
What kind of mother lets her entire family bully her eight-year-old? What kind of mother makes her youngest child sleep alone in a spooky attic? What kind of mother forgets about her baby when she jets off to Paris and leaves him HOME ALONE??
I thought you were the worst mom in the world.
But decades have passed, and Kate—if I can call you Kate, since we’re peers now—I need you to know how sorry I am, because now I’m a mom, too, and I get it.
I get that you’re a working mother of several kids (how many, I’m not sure. I was never entirely clear on who all those kids belonged to).
I get the restraint it took for you to calmly send Kevin to his room after he called you a dummy and said he never wanted to see you again, because I know in moments like those, the natural maternal urge is to follow the offspring up to the third floor and toss it out the window.
I get that your husband, Peter, who is always so cool and calm, can only stay so cool and calm because he doesn’t take on any of the household responsibilities. Maybe he could find his own power cord adapter, or get his act together and pay the pizza guy, or I don’t know, just spitballing here, show some initiative in locating the eight-year-old child you BOTH forgot and left home alone. Maybe Pete could take a beat and do a better job sussing out the vibe of the suspicious “cop” casing your house before you left for vacation.
I get that, in all likelihood, you planned every detail of that vacation and got zero thanks for it.
For me, the month of December is crammed with decorating, planning, Christmas shopping, baking things in the shape of other things, putting together elaborate photo shoots for my Shutterfly Christmas cards, and practicing the signature Santa calligraphy I developed when my eldest was a baby so the kids wouldn’t wonder why Santa and I had the same handwriting. So I get that every special moment of the holiday season is a heavy burden that falls on your shoulders, and the magic of Christmas exists in your home only because you put it there with your bare hands.
So who can blame you for this one teensy weensy oversight? To your credit, you tried delegating headcount responsibility to the oldest kid (your daughter—or your niece? Again, this was never made super clear), but she messed it up. And she messed it up very confidently, which didn’t help.
You had no support. I get it, Kate. Once you realized Kevin was missing, you tried to enlist the help of the local police, but they were useless. I know they knocked on the door, and nobody answered, but isn’t that kind of a problem? They didn’t think that was even worse? Why is everyone around you so les incompétents?
I get that the two days you spent in the airport, on planes, and in the back of a box truck with a polka band were probably the only moments of mental alone time you’d had in years.
I know what you’re thinking: “But then I lost Kevin again the following Christmas, and the same two bandits from the first time chased him around New York City trying to murder him.” Sshh. It’s okay.
Mom to mom, I hope you take some solace in the fact that I get it, and I promise you, we’ve all been there. Moms can’t be on top of everything all the time. Confession time: if I could legally hand my eight-year-old my American Express card and let him watch movies and order room service on his own in a hotel for a week, I would do it. And if I found out a random pigeon lady in Central Park was looking after my kid, I’d be psyched. Free babysitting? Sign me up.
So now, because it’s Christmastime, I just want to say I’m sorry for ever judging you, Kate. You’re a hardworking mother who’s doing your best. Yes, you forgot your second grader existed until you were flying over the Atlantic Ocean. But you also raised a clever, independent, and resilient kid with a big heart, and that’s every mother’s dream.
And hey, you have a ton of kids to manage (at least three, I think?), so even if on the off chance you left one of them home on purpose, I wouldn’t blame you.
ABILENE, KS—Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed the history-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered outside a Main Street television store Friday to watch a monster truck land on a smaller truck. “Oh my gosh, I never thought I’d see something like this in my lifetime—honey? Honey, look at what Slingshot is doing,” said visibly overwhelmed 53-year-old Trey Rogers, tears welling up in his eyes as he, along with millions of Americans of all races, ages, and creeds, gasped at the sight of the 12,000-pound vehicle rolling over seven flaming pickup trucks to the tune of Guns N’ Roses’ “Welcome To The Jungle.” “Sweetie, don’t you ever forget this. You’ll tell your grandkids about this someday. Whenever someone asks if this country can still do great things, remember this wonderful truck popping a wheelie while going off a dirt ramp. God bless us all.” According to reports, the nation later averted its eyes and collective triumph turned to tragedy when an even larger monster truck smashed Slingshot.
WASHINGTON—Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH–area loser Bill McCraw was patient zero in the national loneliness epidemic. “Through extensive contact tracing, we’ve confirmed the epidemic of loneliness that has now spread to approximately half of American adults originated with one sad sack 32-year-old,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, adding that the feelings of disconnection and despair gripping the nation began in 2019, when McCraw moved to the Midwest and quickly infected thousands in his vicinity with a forlorn sense of detachment against which they had no natural immunity. “When this friendless weirdo went to the supermarket or his digital marketing job—and those were pretty much the only places he went—people were exposed to his depressing estrangement from the outside world, and they immediately succumbed to it themselves. Just the sight of him walking alone, eager for someone to approach him, was enough to overwhelm a person’s psychological defenses, and a hopeless melancholy soon engulfed the entire country.” At press time, HHS officials had cordoned off the loser’s home in hopes of quarantining him even further in his pathetic solitude.
With incidence rates increasing over the past two decades, more doctors are recommending routine self-checks to catch early signs of breast cancer. Here’s how to perform a breast self-exam.
Remove your clothes and place them in a safe location so that rambunctious neighbor boys can’t steal them and ride away on their bicycles laughing.
Beg your male keeper for the key that unlocks your metal modesty brassiere.
Before starting the examination, have each of your breasts sign a medical waiver to protect your hands from malpractice litigation.
Use a vise clamp to secure the breast to your workstation.
Lure the tumors to the surface by opening a can of tuna.
While pressing on the breast with one hand, cup the other around a baked ham, comparing and contrasting size, texture, and temperature.
Replicate a professional mammogram at home by smashing your breasts in the waffle iron.
Once completed, take your breast down to a notary public to have its clean bill of health authenticated.
Finally, use the prepaid return shipping label to mail your breasts to the Susan G. Komen foundation.
