Shared posts

11 Dec 19:12

It rather involved being on the other side of this airtight hatchway: Disabling anti-malware scanning

by Raymond Chen

The Antimalware Scan Interface (AMSI) is a plug-in interface which allows antimalware vendors to proffer their content-scanning services and which applications can call to submit content for scanning.

A security vulnerability report was submitted that claimed to have found a way to bypass AMSI scanning in PowerShell. The basic idea is to run a PowerShell script that uses functions like Virtual­Protect and Write­Process­Memory to patch the hosting PowerShell interpreter so that it bypasses the calls to the AMSI provider and treats all content as having passed the antimalware scan. Once AMSI is disabled, the attacker can then deploy a malicious script to the PowerShell process, which is then executed by PowerShell without ever being scanned by any AMSI provider.

Okay, that’s nice. But what about the initial script that disables AMSI scanning? How did you trick PowerShell into running it? You had to get that script past the AMSI scanner in order to get it to run. So this report is saying, “If you have bypassed AMSI scanning, then you can bypass AMSI scanning.” In other words, it presupposes that it is already on the other side of the airtight hatchway.

This is like reporting that your house has a security vulnerability in its front door because somebody who has broken into the house can open the front door from the inside to let the bad guys in. But the person who broke into the house is already a bad guy. The homeowner has already lost: A bad guy is in the house, and they can just go ahead and do whatever they wanted directly. Opening the front door to let in more buddies makes it easier, but they’re already inside. They can already run around unplugging security cameras and pocketing all your jewelry.

Now, if the initial AMSI-disabling script itself passes AMSI scanning, then that’s a quality issue in the antimalware scanner. You can submit your AMSI-disabling script to the antimalware vendors for them to analyze and add detection.

Bonus chatter: AMSI is not a security boundary. It is a defense in depth measure to make it harder for malware to enter a process even though it has already tricked the user into running it. But it comes with the assumption that the process doing the scan has not already been compromised. Once you’ve compromised a process, you have already won. AMSI is trying to defend the boundary, not withstand an attack from within.

The post It rather involved being on the other side of this airtight hatchway: Disabling anti-malware scanning appeared first on The Old New Thing.

11 Dec 19:06

updates: the damaged bookcase, showing armpit hair at work, and more

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. Should I tell a student worker the real reason we’re ending her job? (#2 at the link)

I really appreciated your advice (and the suggestions of the commenters), and it helped frame the nature of my relationship with and responsibilities to my student workers. In practice, though, well…

My boss, who was also my predecessor’s boss, was the person who was adamant that Ciara not be let go earlier and be given a second (and third, and fourth) chance. After spending a lot of time preparing for the conversation and writing out notes of what to say based on your advice, I made the mistake of asking my boss to sit in on the conversation as a neutral third party. Immediately she launched in, saying that Ciara was being let go through no fault of her own, there was truly nothing we could’ve done, and that she’d be happy to serve as a reference in the future. Which, of course, prompted Ciara to ask if she could come back in the fall when her work study funding was renewed. I had to sheepishly slide in, my “we’re firing you” script clenched in my lap, and try to gently convey that we were, in fact, firing her. It was all a bit of a mess, but I think I was ultimately able to hit all the points you suggested and it worked out okay. Ciara left on decently good terms when her funding ran out, and when it came time to hire another student I absolutely hit the jackpot with someone who was curious, motivated, and accountable.

On a broader scale, that one early experience with my boss ended up being indicative of a pretty terrible working relationship. She’d been a professor for most of her career and didn’t have much supervisory experience, and often conflated being a boss with being a bully. She’d assign me extensive, complex projects one week, only to change her mind the next week and send me off on something completely different. She made me ask for her permission whenever I wanted to leave the office (I was a salaried, professional employee)– when I was offered a speaking opportunity in another department, she refused to let me go. A couple times, she yelled at me for “undermining” her, and eventually told me not to “bother her any more with my questions”. It was exhausting and awful. After about 8 months of this, I left for a position at another university in the area.

And I guess, that’s the good news of this update! I love my new job– my boss is kind and competent, the expectations are clearly defined and my work is really interesting to me, and the overall workplace culture is just so much better. I don’t supervise students in my new role, but I learned so much from my previous experience (both as a supervisor and as someone with a bully boss) and I’m excited to utilize that the next time I’m in a management capacity!

2. Can I show armpit hair at work?

I wrote a few years ago to ask about whether hairy armpits were acceptable with professional outfits at the office, and my update is that now (working at a different office, with 6 more years of life and armpit experience), I would never DREAM of going sleeveless at work, hair or no. I have a couple colleagues who do and it’s no big deal, but I have grown to consider underarms an off-the-clock experience, personally.

It has been an interesting adjustment to the professional world, though; at the time I wrote, I was in grad school and in a temporary office job amid a string of gig work and self-employment. I’ve now been at a local government job about a year and a half and have discovered that looking a smidge more polished helps me feel more capable, and that there are a bunch of tricks to balance this goal with my neurodivergent need to be physically comfy during the workday. Most recent discovery is the existence of fake collared “shirts” so I can look like I’m wearing a button-down without anything getting bunched up under my sweater! Also, keeping a cardigan, a blazer, and a super-light jacket at the office has helped me tolerate all kinds of unseasonal temps at my desk. Plus handwarmers and a fan. (I actually would love a reader discussion about gadgets/clothes/adaptations that have helped them feel physically more comfortable at work.)

But as for the armpits: still hairy, now hidden.

Thank you as always for your great advice!

3. Building staff damaged my bookcase (#2 at the link)

Many thanks to Alison and the many commenters for your thoughts! I clarified a few things in the comments: the artwork was business-related, and building maintenance asked that they do any picture hanging to avoid damage to the walls. As to why the bookcase was in the office in the first place: it’s meant to be a client-facing space, but I was given very little money to make the office attractive. I decided that displaying the piece was worth the risk, rather than keeping it in my parents’ attic where it had been for years.

While I was a bit miffed in the moment, I decided (as many of you suggested) to not make much hay. I did mention it in passing to a supervisor, whom I have a good rapport with. He apologized but didn’t offer any resolution–and that was fine by me. I covered the area with a knick knack and nobody is the wiser.

11 Dec 13:09

Taco Bell Testing New Cafe Focused On Drinks

by The Onion Staff

Taco Bell opened a new concept restaurant in San Diego called the Live Más Café, featuring a beverage-centric menu that includes milkshakes, coffees, fruity iced drinks and a take on a dirty soda trend with its trademark Mountain Dew Baja Blast. What do you think?

“Not sure I buy the concept of a café that serves drinks.”

John McNalley, Course Auditor

“That’s tempting, but it’s so much cheaper to make a Baja Blast at home.”

Yvonne Barons, Cocktail Patenter

“I’m fine with water, thanks.”

Frankie Ware, Gear Polisher

The post Taco Bell Testing New Cafe Focused On Drinks appeared first on The Onion.

11 Dec 12:36

“Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?” wonders man in car

by Luke Gordon Field

TORONTO – Reports from this morning rush hour suggest that people who drive everywhere continue to wonder why Toronto traffic is so bad. “I don’t understand it,” said Lloyd Travers. “Every day I drive from my home near Lawrence subway station to my office at King & Yonge, and the traffic just keeps getting worse.” […]

The post “Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?” wonders man in car appeared first on The Beaverton.

10 Dec 23:39

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Ticket

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Oh you thought you saw something in panel 4? You got a dirty mind.


Today's News:
10 Dec 21:25

updates: boss hired his emotionally unstable son, non-urgent texts in off-hours, and more

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Our boss hired his emotionally unstable son to work with us

First off, thanks so much for answering my question and publishing it for others to chime in on. Reading the input from you and the commenters made me feel much better about my difficult position, and what I should expect from myself and others.

Phil still works in the lab, still under his dad. Since writing my letter there haven’t been any major repercussions, but also no major outbursts, luckily. I don’t think anybody ever explicitly brought up the issue to Cyrus. Phil has been doing OK work but still gets away with things that he probably couldn’t if he wasn’t the boss’ son. He sleeps in his office while “attending webinars.” He was also taking days off when he had no available PTO, but Ezra found an ally in Phil’s de jure manager who helped curb some of that.

I’m pretty sure that nothing further will be done to try to rectify Phil’s behavior or Cyrus’ transgression in hiring him, because everyone in the lab is leaving or planning to leave! Ezra found another job and Edward is leaving to focus on med school applications. Sam will be on paternity leave in December and told me he’ll be searching for a new position while he’s off.

As for me, I was encouraged by the comments assuring me it was time to go. I came across a really interesting position, read every AAM post about applying/interviewing, and got the job. It’s still in academic research so the raise is modest, but it’s in a really impactful field I have been interested in since high school but never had the chance to pursue. Also, for the first time in my STEM career, I’ll be able to work with other women of color, which I’m really excited for. I start this coming Monday, wish me luck!

That’s every single full-time employee in the lab (besides Phil) with one or both feet out the door. I’ve heard rumors through the grapevine of the lab shutting down entirely. I think there are alarm bells ringing in admin – my grand-boss, whom I never met in my ~3 years working there, asked to arrange a call with me. She also asked Ezra for an exit interview. As far as I know, before this she’s never asked to talk to any of the employees that resigned from our lab. Since it’s after my official last day I wasn’t obligated to but I agreed to do it, maybe against my better judgement. Out of a self-interested desire to move on smoothly, my strategy is to not bring up anything controversial if not directly asked about it. I have no idea if my grand-boss even knows that Cyrus hired his son.

This whole situation was a dose of reality for me and a lesson that sometimes, the best solution for yourself is to just move on. It was tough to become disillusioned about my ‘dream job’, but this situation may end up being the catalyst for significant development in my career. I really loved my coworkers and I wish them well in all their new endeavors. Despite everything, I also wish Cyrus and Phil the best in fixing the issues they have going on, and hope I’m not the only one who has learned a lesson from all this.

Former lowly research assistant and now shiny new research engineer, signing off :) thanks everyone!

2. New chair sends non-urgent texts in my off hours (#3 at the link)

Midwesterner that I am, I am unable to be overly direct when I have a conflict with someone. The magic answer was to respond to these text messages asking, “Oh, did you need me to deal with that right now?” It’s indirect, but the message should be clear to most reasonable people: “Why are texting me about this on the weekend?” These texts largely disappeared, but her life also got busy when she had a baby, so correlation or causation?

3. Do I have to refuse to use first names because my manager won’t?

I don’t have a dramatic update, but basically I resolved to respect people’s wishes, even if that meant using first names in front of my supervisor. In the case of people who haven’t specified or who told me they have no preference, I use last names.

My supervisor mostly does not seem to mind; she did once refer to the phenomenon in passing, and while she didn’t sound thrilled, she also didn’t express disapproval (and I think she would if it were a problem for her; she takes a lot of pride in developing us). She has also recommended that the supervisory position I covet remain vacant until I am eligible (about 4 months from now) and frequently talks to me as though the promotion is a foregone conclusion, so she can’t be too displeased with me! Thank you so much for the advice; it gave me the courage to follow my instincts in this situation, and I think it was the right decision.

4. Pregnant coworker keeps saying awful things to my terminally ill sister (first update)

The pregnant coworker actually left that job shortly after the confrontation so we didn’t have to give her any more thought. My sister had to work until the last few weeks of her life (yay capitalism), and we are so grateful for your help in making sure she didn’t have to deal with a bully on top of everything else.

She passed away earlier this year. She spent her final months doing almost everything on her bucket list, including hosting her own funeral a few months before she died (she wanted a party, not a memorial).

She was the kindest and funniest person I have ever known and the stars are dimmer with her gone. It’s kind of special to know that sometimes when I am down an AAM rabbit hole I might bump into her.

10 Dec 21:17

Assad Flees Syria After Rebels Capture Damascus

by The Onion Staff

The Assad family’s decades-long reign in Syria came to an abrupt end when rebel forces captured Damascus after a stunning lightning-strike rout across the country. What do you think?

“If he doesn’t learn to stand up for himself, they’ll never leave him alone.”

Valerie Lorensson, Unemployed

“I’m sure another country looking for an experienced dictator will scoop him up quickly.”

Shawn Maloney, Gait Corrector

“I guess he didn’t kill enough people.”

Drew Cook, Interim Dishwasher

The post Assad Flees Syria After Rebels Capture Damascus appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 21:15

update: my employee keeps coming to work sick

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose employee kept coming to work sick? Here’s the update.

I wrote to you back in May requesting help in managing a staff member who insisted on coming to work when he was ill – both when he was contagious and jeopardizing others, and when he was too ill to function in the workplace in a safe and healthy way. I was really wrestling with balancing the need for this employee’s right to medical privacy, their right to work, and the rights of both my staff and members of the public to not be jeopardized by his possible contagion. I really appreciated your reply and I read through all the comments – you have no idea how validating it was to hear from everyone supporting both the need and my responsibility to take action to protect my staff and members of the public. The staff member went on another vacation right when my original letter was published, which gave me a lot of time to think and plan, and by the time he was back from his vacation I felt fully prepared to tackle this issue.

First off: I called our HR assistant director to ask for guidance. She was remarkably helpful, and she said that while the phrasing in the employee instructions was “should stay home” if you’re sick, “should” can mean “must”, and that I could move forward with implementing that phrasing immediately. Then, I drafted signage to post in multiple locations in the staff work area/bathroom/break room, and I spoke with every employee personally about it to ensure they saw the signs and understood. Finally – and most importantly – I met privately with this staff member when he returned from vacation to explain these new guidelines and expectations, and to convey in no uncertain terms that any attempts to come to work when impacted by illness would be met with documented action. I stressed to him the need to protect and safeguard our colleagues – which appealed to his good nature, as he’s truly a nice person – and I also was very forceful in expressing to him that no staff member will engage in discussions about whether or not he should be at work, nor would any staff member be able to drive him home due to illness in the future. He accepted it all without argument, and we ended the discussion on good terms. I’m very, very glad to report that I have had no issues with this staff member about this since that meeting.

In case anyone would find it helpful, the verbiage I used on the staff-area signage is below. Thank you, Alison, and thank you to everyone who commented for your amazing help with this!

Guidelines for staff illness/symptoms

While the CDC has dialed back the restrictions regarding Covid, please read and understand the following based on guidance from **locality’s** Human Resources:

If you are symptomatic of any contagious illness, you must stay home until symptoms completely subside. Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

  • Coughing (if you believe your coughing is “just allergies”, wear a face mask)
  • Sneezing/congestion
  • Sore throat
  • Fever – Temperature of 100* or more — must go home and stay home until below 99* without fever-reducing medication for at least 24 hours
  • Muscle/body aches
  • Chills / body sweats
  • Upset stomach (diarrhea/vomiting)

Returning to work after an illness:

You may return to work only after your symptoms have fully subsided; guidance suggests “getting better,” but HR clarified that you must be well to return to work, not just feeling less bad.
Masking: With any respiratory illness (including but not limited to Covid-19) the CDC suggests masking for 5 days after symptoms have fully cleared. If you have tested positive for Covid, you MUST wear a mask for at least 5 days after you have returned to wellness and can return to work; this is to prevent contagion from possible rebound infections.

Prevention:

  • If you have been exposed to someone with a contagious illness (Covid, flu, etc.) please wear a mask to prevent the spread.
  • Continue to use Clorox wipes to clean the circulation desk (keyboards, phones, etc.) and other high-traffic areas.
  • Continue to practice good hand-washing techniques.
  • Masking: masks are freely available to library staff. You have the City’s full support in deciding to wear a mask (for example, if you’re working the circ desk, if you’re helping someone on the computers, if you’re working one-on-one with a patron, etc.).
  • Please err on the side of caution and do your part to maintain a healthy work environment by masking or staying home when you’re sick. Your actions to help keep our library patrons and library staff healthy is vital.

Please understand that it is your responsibility to recognize and manage your symptoms; do not come to work if you are symptomatic. If you are at work and develop symptoms during the workday, speak with your supervisor and leave work until your symptoms have fully subsided. If you have been exposed to anyone who’s been sick, wear a mask for 3+ days to make sure you don’t spread germs. If you are concerned about missing time, please talk with **supervisors** about make-up hours or to find out if WFH is an option.

10 Dec 20:13

A Typical First Date with a Guy in Boston, Chicago, or New York

by Jus Kaplan, Jonah Nink, and Jack Stebbins

How You Met

Boston: Attended the same biotech industry mixer.

Chicago: Saw each other’s reflection in the Bean during golden hour.

New York: Almost sat in the same pee puddle on the C train.

The Pickup Line

Boston: “I went to school just outside Boston. No, not Tufts.”

Chicago: “Call me Tom Skilling, because I’m forecasting some action later.”

New York: “I have an in-unit washer-dryer.”

Asking You Out

Boston: “Wanna get Italian food in the North End?”

Chicago: “We should grab a drink by the lake and pretend it’s the ocean.”

New York: “Let’s get condescended to by the staff at a West Village wine bar.”

What Time the Date Starts

Boston: “8 p.m.”

Chicago: “Tonight-ish.”

New York: “Whenever my first date of the night ends.”

Picking You Up

Boston: “Looks like the MBTA derailed again. We can split the forty-seven-dollar Uber.”

Chicago: “I’ll take the 22 bus to the red line and transfer to the brown line, then walk fifteen minutes to your apartment. I may have grown a full beard by the time I reach you, but it’s me.”

New York: “You can hop in my Citi Bike basket, but you’ll have to be my eyes.”

What Drink He Orders

Boston: Whatever Sam Adams is in season.

Chicago: Malört and a lecture on the history of Malört.

New York: A “Manhattan” (any drink that’s viral on TikTok and twenty-five dollars).

Food Complaints

Boston: "My mum makes a way better chicken parm than this.”

Chicago: “I cannot stress enough how mad I’ll be if there is ketchup on this hot dog.”

New York: “They called this a glaze, but it’s obviously a reduction.”

The Sports Small Talk

Boston: “The Sox sucked this year.”

Chicago: “The Sox sucked this year.”

New York: “At least the Sox sucked this year!”

The Pet Discussion

Boston: “My childhood dog, Brady, passed away last year. It’s okay, though. He was really old.”

Chicago: “My cat’s name is Ditka, and he can only fall asleep to episodes of The Bear.”

New York: “She’s a Pomapoo named Chelsea, and she’s terrified of grass.”

The Family Gossip

Boston: “My Nana, rest her soul, knew one of the guys who robbed the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. She refused to say where the art is buried.”

Chicago: “My cousin in Naperville tells people he lives in Chicago.”

New York: “My parents are Democrats, but they’re Eric Adams–Andrew Cuomo Democrats.”

How He Asks for a Second Date

Boston: “Up for Wahlburgers next Saturday? Let’s go to that one across from Dunkin’. No, the other one across from the other Dunkin’. ”

Chicago: “Wanna come to my friend’s Second City improv class graduation show? It’s this Wednesday at 3 p.m.”

New York: “There was a rat in my salad, so we can come back here for free next week if you’re down.”

10 Dec 16:22

How Mrs. Claus Is Going to Survive till December 25

by Meena Harris

Like many women around the world and across industries, Mrs. Claus has adopted a simple mantra to get through the waning days of a challenging year: Survive till 25. (December 25, that is.)

Here are a few of her favorite activities that put the “elf” in self-care—and just might help anyone get through this holiday season.

Drafting an Out-of-Workshop (OOW) auto-reply.
“Thank you for your email. I am currently out of the workshop and screaming into the abyssmas. If you need assistance, please contact someone else.”

Eating an entire food-themed Advent calendar in one sitting.
It’s a matter of safety. Gotta make sure there’s not a pear rotting behind door #1. Or #2. Or #3…

Singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas” karaoke alone in her pajamas.
And really leaning into “FIVE GOLDEN RINGS” when Santa is in earshot.

Buying up all the cheesy Christmas decorations in the HomeGoods–T.J. Maxx–Marshalls multiverse.
In times like these, one can never have enough plastic snowmen with slightly haunted faces.

Bingeing Love Is Blind: North Pole.
Even though the producers keep casting people who actually live in Upper Greenland.

Snapping pictures while playing games with the elves.
But wait… is that eggnog in the background? What kind of example is she setting?

Taking a mental health break with an emotional support polar bear.
While she can still get insurance coverage from the outgoing North Pole Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services.

Doordashing with Dasher.
You think this woman is about to cook a whole ham dinner? After the year she’s had? Be serious.

Taking Arctic Zumba classes with Dancer.
Talk about a one-horse open slay.

Rediscovering 2016 holiday makeup with Prancer.
Because nothing says Christmas spirit more than a glittery green cut crease.

Getting her tarot read with Comet.
And choosing to believe the Death card applies exclusively to her enemies.

Browsing OkCupid with Cupid.
Santa still won’t say who he voted for.

Blasting “All I Want for Christmas Is You” with Donner.
In the Claus House, this song goes triple platinum every year.

Getting blitzed with Blitzen.
Someone’s gotta eat all those gingerbreadibles from Santa’s Dispensary.

Talking shit with Rudolph.
He just gets it.

Finally taking off her 1,680-year-old girdle.
Free the jingle bells!

Venting with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny over FaceTime.
“Did y’all see they’re putting tariffs on tinsel, wreaths, and mistletoe?”

Blocking the Grinch on X-mas (formerly Twitter-mas).
He always has something to say, and he’s always wrong.

Refusing to respond to Ebenezer Scrooge’s texts.
“You there, boy! What day is it?” Enough. How about you take all that money you don’t wanna give Tiny Tim and buy a damn calendar?

Lying on the floor of Santa’s Workshop and staring at the ceiling.
Because if you can’t break through the glass ceiling, you might as well stare at it and pretend. The gingerbreadibles help.

Shoring up public-private partnerships to support the Polar Express.
They’ve got Tom Hanks playing every role after severe cuts to federal funding.

Double-checking that the grandma who got run over by a reindeer can still access her government-subsidized medication.
Hopefully, she already filed an OSHA complaint too.

Finally taking it outside with her problematic Uncle Claus.
He’s old enough to know better. And he’s old enough to catch these hands.

10 Dec 16:00

Pluralistic: Predicting the present (09 Dec 2024)

by Cory Doctorow


Today's links



The cover for the Macmillan audiobook of Radicalized, depicting a metal-toothed mousetrap with a red pill on the bait lever.

Predicting the present (permalink)

Back in 2018, around the time I emailed my immigration lawyer about applying for US citizenship, I started work on a short story called "Radicalized," which eventually became the title story of a collection that came out in 2019:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250228598/radicalized/

"Radicalized" is a story about America, and about guns, and about health care, and about violence. I live in Burbank, which ranks second in gun-stores-per-capita in the USA, a dubious honor that represents a kind of regulatory arbitrage with our neighboring goliath, the City of Los Angeles, where gun store licensing is extremely tight. If you're an Angeleno in search of a firearm, you're almost certainly coming to Burbank to buy it.

Walking, cycling and driving past more gun stores than I'd ever seen in my Canadian life got me thinking about Americans and guns, a subject that many Canadians have passed comment upon. Americans kill each other, and especially themselves, at rates that baffle everyone else in the world, and they do it with guns. When we moved here, my UK born-and-raised daughter came home from her first elementary school lockdown drill perplexed and worried. Knowing what I did about US gun violence, I understood that while school shootings and other spree killings happened with dismal and terrifying regularity, they only accounted for a small percentage of the gun deaths here. If you die with a bullet in you, the chances are that the finger on the trigger was your own. The next most likely suspect is someone you know. After that, a cop. Getting shot by a stranger out of uniform is something of a rarity here – albeit a spectacular one that captures our imaginations in ways that deliberate or accidental self-slayings and related-party shootings do not.

So I told her, "Look, you can basically ignore everything they tell you during those lockdown drills, because they almost certainly have nothing to do with your future. But if a friend ever says to you, 'Hey, wanna see my dad's gun?' I want you to turn around and leave and get in touch with me right away, that instant."

Guns turn the murderous impulse – which, let's be honest, we've all felt at some time or another – into a murderous act. Same goes for suicide, which explains the high levels of non-accidental self-shootings in the USA: when you've got a gun, the distance between suicidal ideation and your death is the ten feet from the sofa to the gun in the closet.

Americans get angry at people and then, if they have a gun to hand, sometimes they shoot them. In a thread /r/Burbank about how people at our local cinemas are rude and use their phones in which someone posted, "Well, you should just ask them to stop." The reply: "That's a great way to get shot." No one chimed in to say, "Don't be ridiculous, no one would shoot you for asking them to put away their phone during a movie." Same goes for "road rage."

And while Americans shoot people they've only just gotten angry at, they also sometimes plan shooting sprees and kill a bunch of people because they're just generically angry. Being angry about the state of the world is a completely relatable emotion, of course, but the targets of these shootings are arbitrary. Sure sometimes these killings have clear, bigoted targets – mass shootings at Black supermarkets or mosques or synagogues or gay bars – more often the people who get sprayed with bullets (at country and western concerts or elementary schools or movie theaters) are almost certainly not the people the gunman (almost always a man) is angry at.

This line of thought kept surfacing as I went through the immigration process, but not just when I was dealing with immigration paperwork. I was also spending an incredible amount of time dealing with our health insurer, Cigna, who kept refusing treatments my pain doctor – one of the most-cited pain researchers in the country – thought I would benefit from. I've had chronic pain since I was a teenager, and it's only ever gotten worse. I've had decades of pain care in Canada and the UK, and while the treatments never worked for very long, it was never compounded by the kinds of bureaucratic stuff I went through with my US insurer.

The multi-hour phone calls with Cigna that went nowhere would often have me seeing red – literally, a red tinge closing in around my vision – and usually my hands would be shaking by the time I got off the call.

And I had it easy! I wasn't terminally ill, and I certainly wasn't calling in on behalf of a child or a spouse or parent who was seriously ill or dying, whose care was being denied by their insurer. Bernie's 2016 Medicare For All campaign promise had filled the air with statistics (Americans pay more for care and get worse outcomes than anyone else in the rich world), and stories. So many stories – stories that just tore your heart out, about parents who literally had to watch their children die because the insurance they paid for refused to treat their kids. As a dad, I literally couldn't imagine how I'd cope in that situation. Just thinking about it filled me with rage.

One day, as I was swimming in the community pool across the street – a critical part of my pain management strategy – I was struck with a thought: "Why don't these people murder health insurance executives?" Not that I wanted them to. I don't want anyone to kill anyone. But why do American men who murder their wives and the people who cut them off in traffic and random classrooms full of children leave the health insurance industry alone? This is an industry that is practically designed to fill the people who interact with it with uncontrollable rage. I mean, if you're watching your wife or your kid die before your eyes because some millionaire CEO decided to aim for a $10 billion stock buyback this year instead of his customary $9 billion target, wouldn't you feel that kind of murderous rage?

Around this time, my parents came out for a visit from Canada. It was a great trip, until one night, my mom woke me up after midnight: "We have to take your father to the ER. He's really sick." He was: shaking, nauseated, feverish. We raced down the street to the local hospital, part of a gigantic chain that has swallowed nearly all the doctors' practices, labs and hospitals within an hour's drive of here.

Dad had kidney stones, and they'd gone septic. When the ER docs removed the stones, all the septic gunk in his kidneys was flushed into his bloodstream, and he crashed. If he hadn't been in an ER recovery room at the time, he would have died. As it was, he was in a coma for three days and it was touch and go. My brother flew down from Toronto, not sure if this was his last chance to see our dad alive. The nurses and doctors took great care of my dad, though, and three days later, he emerged from his coma, and today, he's better than ever.

But on day two, when we thought he was probably at the end of his life, as my mother sat at his side, holding the hand of her husband of fifty years, someone from the hospital billing department came to her side and said, "Mrs Doctorow, I know this is a difficult time, but I'd like to discuss the matter of your husband's bill with you."

The bill was $176,000. Thankfully, the travel medical insurance plan offered by the Ontario Teachers' Union pension covered it all (I don't suppose anyone gets very angry with them).

How do people tolerate this? Again, not in the sense of "people should commit violent acts in the face of these provocations," but rather, "How is it that in a country filled with both assault rifles and unimaginable acts of murderous cruelty committed by fantastically wealthy corporations, people don't leap from their murderous impulses to their murderous weapons to commit murderous acts?

For me, writing fiction is an accretive process. I can tell that a story is brewing when thoughts start rattling around in my mind, resurfacing at odd times. I think of them as stray atoms, seeking molecules with available docking sites to glom onto. I process all my emotions – but especially my negative ones – through this process, by writing stories and novels. I could tell that something was cooking, but it was missing an ingredient.

Then I found it: an interview with the woman who coined the term "incel." It was on the Reply All podcast, and Alana, a queer Canadian woman explained that she had struggled all her life to find romantic and sexual partnership, and jokingly started referring to herself as "involuntarily celibate," and then, as an "incel":

https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/76h59o

Alana started a message board where other "incels" could offer each other support, and it was remarkably successful. The incels on Alana's message board helped each other work through the problems that stood between them and love, and when they did, they drifted away from the board to pursue a happier life.

That was the problem, Alana explained. If you're in a support group for people with a drinking problem, the group elders, the ones who've been around forever, are the people who've figured it out and gotten sober. When life seems impossible, those elders step in to tell you, I know it's terrible right now, but it'll get better. I was where you are and I got through it. You will, too. I'm here for you. We all are.

But on Alana's incel board, the old timers were the people who couldn't figure it out. They were the ones for whom mutual support and advice didn't help them figure out what they needed to do in order to find the love they sought. The longer the message board ran, the more it became dominated by people who were convinced that it was hopeless, that love was impossible for the likes of them. When newbies posted in rage and despair, these Great Old Ones were there to feed it: You're right. It will never get better. It only gets worse. There is no hope.

That was the missing piece. My short story Radicalized was born. It's a story about men on a message board called Fuck Cancer Right In the Fucking Face (FCKRFF, or "Fuckriff"), who are watching the people they love the most in the world be murdered by their insurance companies, who egg each other on to spectacular acts of mass violence against health insurance company employees, hospital billing offices, and other targets of their rage. As of today, anyone can read this story for free, courtesy of my publishers at Macmillan, who gave permission for the good folks at The American Prospect to post it:

https://prospect.org/culture/books/2024-12-09-radicalized-cory-doctorow-story-health-care/

I often hear from people about this story, even before an unknown (at the time of writing) man assassinated Brian Thompson, CEO of Unitedhealthcare, the murderous health insurance monopoly that is the largest medical insurer in the USA. Since then, hundreds of people have gotten in touch with me to ask me how I feel about this turn of events, how it feels to have "predicted" this.

I've been thinking about it for a few days now, and I gotta tell you, I have complicated feelings.

You've doubtless seen the outpourings of sarcastic graveyard humor about Thompson's murder. People hate Unitedhealthcare, for good reason, because he personally decided – or approved – countless policies that killed people by cheating them until they died.

Nurses and doctors hate Thompson and United. United kills people, for money. During the most acute phase of the pandemic, the company charged the US government $11,000 for each $8 covid test:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/06/137300-pct-markup/#137300-pct-markup

UHC leads the nation in claims denials, with a denial rate of 32% (!!). If you want to understand how the US can spend 20% of its GDP and get the worst health outcomes in the world, just connect the dots between those two facts: the largest health insurer in human history charges the government a 183,300% markup on covid tests and also denies a third of its claims.

UHC is a vertically integrated, murdering health profiteer. They bought Optum, the largest pharmacy benefit manager ("A spreadsheet with political power" -Matt Stoller) in the country. Then they starved Optum of IT investment in order to give more money to their shareholders. Then Optum was hacked by ransomware gang and no one could get their prescriptions for weeks. This killed people:

https://www.economicliberties.us/press-release/malicious-threat-actor-accesses-unitedhealth-groups-monopolistic-data-exchange-harming-patients-and-pharmacists/#

The irony is, Optum is terrible even when it's not hacked. The purpose of Optum is to make you pay more for pharmaceuticals. If that's more than you can afford, you die. Optum – that is, UHC – kills people:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/09/23/shield-of-boringness/#some-men-rob-you-with-a-fountain-pen

Optum isn't the only murderous UHC division. Take Navihealth, an algorithm that United uses to kick people out of their hospital beds even if they're so frail, sick or injured they can't stand or walk. Doctors and nurses routinely watch their gravely ill patients get thrown out of their hospitals. Many die. UHC kills them, for money:

https://prospect.org/health/2024-08-16-steward-bankruptcy-physicians-private-equity/

The patients murdered by Navihealth are on Medicare Advantage. Medicare is the public health care system the USA extends to old people. Medicare Advantage is a privatized system you can swap your Medicare coverage for, and UHC leads the country in Medicare Advantage, blitzing seniors with deceptive ads that trick them into signing up for UHC Medicare Advantage. Seniors who do this lose access to their doctors and specialists, have to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for their medication, and get hit with $400 surprise bills to use the "free" ambulance service:

https://prospect.org/health/2024-12-05-manhattan-medicare-murder-mystery/

No wonder the public spends 22% more subsidizing Medicare Advantage than they spend on the care for seniors who stick with actual Medicare:

https://theconversation.com/taxpayers-spend-22-more-per-patient-to-support-medicare-advantage-the-private-alternative-to-medicare-that-promised-to-cost-less-241997

It's not just the elderly, it's also the addicted and mentally ill. UHC illegally denies coverage for mental health and substance abuse treatment. Imagine watching a family member spiral out of control, ODing, or ending up on the streets with hallucinations, and knowing that the health insurance company that takes thousands of dollars out of your paycheck refused to treat them:

https://www.startribune.com/unitedhealthcare-will-pay-15-7m-in-settlement-of-denial-of-care-charges/600087607

Unsurprisingly, the internal culture at UHC is callous beyond belief. How could it not be? How could you go to work at UHC and know you were killing people and not dehumanize those victims? A lawsuit by a chronically ill patient whom UHC had denied care for uncovered recorded phone calls in which UHC employees laughed long and hard about the denied claims, dismissing the patient's desperate, tearful pleas as "tantrums" :

https://www.propublica.org/article/unitedhealth-healthcare-insurance-denial-ulcerative-colitis

Those UHC workers are just trying to get by, of course, and the calluses they develop so they can bear to go to work were ripped off by last week's murder. UHC's executive team knows this, and has gone on a rampage to stop employees from leaking their own horror stories, or even mentioning that the internal company announcement of Thompson's death was seen by 16,000 employees, of whom only 28 left a comment:

https://www.kenklippenstein.com/p/unitedhealthcare-tells-employees

Doctors and nurses hate UHC on behalf of their patients, but it's also personal. UHC screws doctor's practices by refusing to pay them, making them chase payments for months or even years, and then it offers them a payday lending service that helps them keep the lights on while they wait to get paid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frr4wuvAB6U

Is it any surprise that Reddit's nursing forums are full of nurses making grim, satisfied jokes about the assassination of the $10m/year CEO who ran the $400b/year corporation that does all this?

https://www.thedailybeast.com/leading-medical-subreddit-deletes-thread-on-unitedhealthcare-ceos-murder-after-users-slam-his-record/

We're not supposed to experience – much less express – schadenfreude when someone is murdered in the street, no matter who they are. We're meant to express horror at the idea of political violence, even when that violence only claims a single life, a fraction of the body count UCH produced under Thompson's direction. As Malcolm Harris put it, "'Every life is precious' stuff about a healthcare CEO whose company is noted for denying coverage is pretty silly":

https://twitter.com/BigMeanInternet/status/1864471932386623753

As Woody Guthrie wrote, "Some will rob you with a six-gun/And some with a fountain pen." The weapon is lethal when it's a pistol and when it's an insurance company. The insurance company merely serves as an accountability sink, a layer of indirection that lets a murder happen without any person being the technical murderer:

https://profilebooks.com/work/the-unaccountability-machine/

I don't want people to kill insurance executives, and I don't want insurance executives to kill people. But I am unsurprised that this happened. Indeed, I'm surprised that it took so long. It should not be controversial to note that if you run an institution that makes people furious, they will eventually become furious with you. This is the entire pitch of Thomas Piketty's Capital in the 21st Century: that wealth concentration leads to corruption, which is destabilizing, and in the long run it's cheaper to run a fair society than it is to pay for the guards you'll need to keep the guillotines off your lawn:

https://memex.craphound.com/2014/06/24/thomas-pikettys-capital-in-the-21st-century/

But we've spent the past 40 years running in the other direction, maximizing monopolies, inequality and corruption, and gaslighting the public when they insist that this is monstrous and unfair. Back in 2022, when UHC was buying Change Healthcare – the dominant payment network for hospitals, which would allow UHC to surveil all its competitors' payments – the DOJ sued to block the merger. The Trump-appointed judge in the case, Carl Nichols – who owned tens of thousands of dollars in UHC bonds – ruled against the DOJ, saying that it would all be fine thanks to United's "culture of trust and integrity":

https://www.thebignewsletter.com/p/the-antitrust-shooting-war-has-started

We don't know much about Thompson's killer yet, but he's already becoming a folk hero, with lookalike contests in NYC:

https://twitter.com/CollinRugg/status/1865472577478553976

And gigantic graffiti murals praising him and reproducing the words he wrote on the shell casings of the bullets he used to kill Thompson, "delay, deny, depose":

https://www.tumblr.com/radicalgraff/769193188403675136/killin-fuckin-ceos-freight-graff-in-the-bay

I get why this is distasteful. Thompson is said to have been a "family man" who loved his kids, and I have no reason to disbelieve this. I can only imagine that his wife and kids are shattered by this. Every living person is the apex of a massive project involving dozens, hundreds of people who personally worked to raise, nurture and love them. I wrote about this in my novel Walkaway, as the characters consider whether to execute a mercenary sent to kill them, whom they have taken hostage:

She had parents. People who loved her. Every human was a hyper-dense node of intense emotional and material investment. Speaking meant someone had spent thousands of hours cooing to you. Those lean muscles, the ringing tone of command — their inputs were from all over the world, carefully administered. The merc was more than a person: like a spaceship launch, her existence implied thousands of skilled people, generations of experts, wars, treaties, scholarship and supply-chain management. Every one of them was all that.

But so often, the formula for "folk hero" is "killing + time." The person who terrorizes the people who terrorize you is your hero, and eventually we sanitize the deaths, and just remember them as fighters for justice. If you doubt it, consider the legend of Robin Hood:

https://twitter.com/mcmansionhell/status/1865554985842352501

The health industry is trying to put a lid on this, palpably afraid that – as in my story "Radicalized" – this one murderer will become a folk hero who inspires others to acts of spectacular violence. They're insisting that it's unseemly to gloat about Thompson's death. They're right, but this is an obvious loser strategy. The health industry is full of people whose deaths would be deplorable, but not unsurprising. As Clarence Darrow had it:

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

Murder is never the answer. Murder is not a healthy response to corruption. But it is healthy for people to fear that if they kill people for greed, they will be unsafe. On December 5 – the day after Thompson's killing – the health insurer Anthem announced that it would not pay for anesthesia for medical procedures that ran long. The next day, they retracted the policy, citing "outrage":

https://www.cnn.com/2024/12/05/health/anthem-blue-cross-blue-shield-anesthesia-claim-limits/index.html

Sure, maybe it was their fear of reputation damage that got them to decide to reverse this inhumane, disgusting, murderous policy. But maybe it was also someone in the C-suite thinking about what share of the profits from this policy would have to be spent on additional bodyguards for every Anthem exec if it went into effect, and decided that it was a money-loser after all.

Think about hospital exec Ralph de la Torre, who cheerfully testified to Congress that he'd killed patients in pursuit of profit. De la Torre clearly doesn't fear any kind of consequences for his actions. He owns hospitals that are filled with tens of thousands of bats (he stiffed the exterminators), where none of the elevators work (he stiffed the repair techs), where there's no medicine or blood (he stiffed the suppliers) and where the doctors and nurses can't make rent (he stiffed them too). De La Torre doesn't just own hospitals – he also owns a pair of superyachts:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/28/5000-bats/#charnel-house

It is a miracle that so many people have lost their mothers, sons, wives and husbands so Ralph de la Torre could buy himself another superyacht, and that those people live in a country where you can buy an assault rifle, and that Ralph de la Torre isn't forced to live in a bunker and travel in a tank.

It's a rather beautiful sort of miracle, to be honest. I like to think that it comes from a widespread belief by the people of this country I have since become a citizen of, that we should solve our problems politically, rather than with bullets.

But the assassination of Brian Thompson is a wake-up call, a warning that if we don't solve this problem politically, we may not have a choice about whether it's solved with violence. As a character in "Radicalized" says, "They say violence never solves anything, but to quote The Onion: that's only true so long as you ignore all of human history":

https://prospect.org/culture/books/2024-12-09-radicalized-cory-doctorow-story-health-care/


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This day in history (permalink)

#15yrsago Google CEO says privacy doesn’t matter. Google blacklists CNet for violating CEO’s privacy. https://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2009/12/my_reaction_to.html

#15yrsago Spanish cops called in over allegation that band was playing “contemporary” music at jazz festival, medical necessity cited https://www.theguardian.com/music/2009/dec/09/jazz-festival-larry-ochs-saxophone

#15yrsago US lobbyist: Canadians would get US government infrastructure contracts if it adopted US copyright laws https://web.archive.org/web/20091213133326/https://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/could-copyright-reform-win-buy-american-battle/article1392951/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheGlobeAndMail-Business+(The+Globe+and+Mail+-+Business+News)

#15yrsago Famous architecture photographer swarmed by multiple police vehicles in London for refusing to tell security guard why he was photographing famous church https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2009/dec/08/police-search-photographer-terrorism-powers

#10yrsago Corporate sovereignty: already costing the EU billions https://www.techdirt.com/2014/12/09/true-cost-corporate-sovereignty-eu-35bn-already-paid-30bn-demanded-even-before-taftattip/

#10yrsago Taxpayers pick up the tab for violent, abusive, murdering cops 99.8% of the time https://nyulawreview.org/issues/volume-89-number-3/police-indemnification/

#10yrsago Modern slavery: the Mexican megafarms that supply America’s top grocers https://graphics.latimes.com/product-of-mexico-camps/

#15yrsago San Francisco’s Monkeybrains ISP offering gigabit home wireless connections https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/gigabit-wireless-to-the-home–2#/

#5yrsago The New Yorker’s profile of William Gibson: “Droll, chilled out, and scarily articulate” https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/12/16/how-william-gibson-keeps-his-science-fiction-real

#5yrsago Model stealing, rewarding hacking and poisoning attacks: a taxonomy of machine learning’s failure modes https://learn.microsoft.com/en-us/security/engineering/failure-modes-in-machine-learning

#5yrsago The blood of poor Americans is now a leading export, bigger than corn or soy https://www.mintpressnews.com/harvesting-blood-americas-poor-late-stage-capitalism/263175/

#5yrsago Popular Chinese video game invites players to “hunt down traitors” in Hong Kong https://www.globaltimes.cn/content/1172323.shtml

#5yrsago The student movements at the vanguard of Chile’s protests are allied with former student leaders now serving in Congress https://apnews.com/article/student-loans-santiago-chile-business-social-services-819108269b65dc2dd4dffcfd7712d53a

#5yrsago In any other industry, emergency medical billing would be considered fraudulent https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/07/opinion/sunday/medical-billing-fraud.html

#5yrsago US pharma and biotech lobbyists’ documents reveal their plan to gouge Britons in any post-Brexit trade-deal https://theintercept.com/2019/12/09/brexit-american-trade-deal-boris-johnson/

#5yrsago As the end nears for Yahoo Groups, Verizon pulls out all the stops to keep archivists from preserving them https://modsandmembersblog.wordpress.com/2019/12/08/verizon-yahoo-bad-form/

#5yrsago Church nativity scene puts the holy family in cages, because that’s how America deals with asylum-seekers like Christ https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/church-nativity-depicts-jesus-mary-joseph-family-separated-border-n1097891


Upcoming appearances (permalink)

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Recent appearances (permalink)



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Latest books (permalink)



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Upcoming books (permalink)

  • Picks and Shovels: a sequel to "Red Team Blues," about the heroic era of the PC, Tor Books, February 2025
  • Unauthorized Bread: a middle-grades graphic novel adapted from my novella about refugees, toasters and DRM, FirstSecond, 2025



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Today's top sources:

Currently writing:

  • Enshittification: a nonfiction book about platform decay for Farrar, Straus, Giroux. Status: second pass edit underway (readaloud)
  • A Little Brother short story about DIY insulin PLANNING

  • Picks and Shovels, a Martin Hench noir thriller about the heroic era of the PC. FORTHCOMING TOR BOOKS FEB 2025

Latest podcast: Spill, part six (FINALE) (a Little Brother story) https://craphound.com/littlebrother/2024/12/08/spill-part-six-finale-a-little-brother-story/


This work – excluding any serialized fiction – is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. That means you can use it any way you like, including commercially, provided that you attribute it to me, Cory Doctorow, and include a link to pluralistic.net.

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"When life gives you SARS, you make sarsaparilla" -Joey "Accordion Guy" DeVilla

10 Dec 14:46

High-speed rail efforts in Texas have gained some momentum. The Texas Legislature and Donald Trump may change that.

by By Joshua Fechter
A yearslong effort to bring high-speed rail to Texas has recently shown signs of life, but state lawmakers have consistently put up roadblocks to keep it from happening.
10 Dec 14:46

How low will we go? Inland areas of Houston will flirt with a freeze the next two nights

by Eric Berger

In brief: After a warmer spell Houston will now see some of its coldest weather of the season as temperatures fall into the 30s for much of the region. But don’t get too accustomed to sweaters, as warmer weather returns for the weekend and the first half of next week. Rain chances also return later on Friday, but showers definitely look to be hit or miss this weekend.

Hot, then cold, rinse and repeat

Houston’s roller coaster weather continues, as is often the case this time of year. High temperatures kicked up to 76 degrees on Monday, our warmest day so far this month. But then a fairly strong cold front has moved in over night to bring in much drier and chillier air for the next couple of days. But by Friday temperatures will be back on the upswing again with a warmer weekend after that.

Tuesday

Depending on how far you live from the coast, temperatures this morning are either in the 50s or lower 60s. Winds are from the north-northwest. As the day goes on we’ll see some gusts up to 25 mph, and that should continue this evening. The effect will be especially pronounced for coastal areas, with the National Weather Service posting a “gale warning” for this afternoon and tonight, with seas of 7 to 10 feet and stronger winds offshore. Maybe not the best evening for a boating excursion.

Expect windy conditions offshore. (National Weather Service)

As for temperatures, we’ll likely see highs today in the lower 60s. If skies aren’t clear when you’re reading this, they should soon be. A secondary push of colder air later today will help drive temperatures tonight into the 30s (for inland areas) and 40s (closer to the coast). Combined with the wind, it will be rather chilly outside. Bundle the kids up for school tomorrow morning.

Wednesday

A fine and sunny winter-like day, with highs perhaps around 60 degrees. Expect another chilly night, with temperatures likely within a degree or two of what the region saw on Tuesday night. However, winds will be decidedly less.

Wednesday morning’s low temperatures do look chilly, especially with winds on top of this. (Weather Bell)

Thursday

Thursday should be partly to mostly sunny, but the onshore flow will be back. Look for southeasterly winds, with gusts up to perhaps 20 mph or higher. This warmer and more humid air should lead to the influx of some clouds on Thursday afternoon, and highs in the mid-60s. Lows on Thursday night will be warmer, likely in the upper 50s for most locations.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

With the departure of high pressure, the forecast for the weekend is a little more uncertain. Some weaker fronts are likely to approach the area, but it’s not clear whether they’ll stall (more likely) or push all the way into the city or down to the coast. So what does this mean? Well, I’m pretty confident in daily high temperatures in the 70 to 75 degree range, with moderate humidity. Rain chances will return later on Friday, Friday night, and Saturday morning, but overall accumulations don’t look significant. Still, it’s something to monitor if you have outdoor plans throughout the weekend. Lows each night will probably be in the upper 50s or lower 60s, but it will depend on your distance from the coast and the movement of the aforementioned fronts. In summary, the weekend looks not-too-hot, not-too-cold, with a chance for a splash of rain.

NOAA rain accumulation forecast for the weekend. (Weather Bell)

Next week

This overall not-too-warm, not-too-cold pattern with a smattering of rain chances will probably persist through about Wednesday. There is a pretty decent (although not certain) signal for a stronger front later next week, heading into the weekend. This will get us back to feeling like winter in Houston. As for the Christmas holiday, it’s still far enough on the horizon for us not to have much confidence in any forecast. But it’s probably going to be closer to Mele Kalikimaka than a Winter Wonderland. We’ll see.

10 Dec 14:45

update: how much can I pet my cat on video calls?

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who wanted to know how much they could pet their cat on video calls? Here’s the update.

The cats are doing great! And so am I, pretty much. I got promoted recently, and my manager was a big reason why; she went to bat for me and sang my praises, both to me and the higher-ups.

When I wrote in, I was stressed in general because my boss was giving me lots of nitpicky negative feedback and no positive feedback, so I was concerned about my performance / hypervigilant about other things I might be doing wrong. I realized recently that (a) she and I are both fairly neurodivergent; (b) what I thought was needless micromanaging was in fact subtle advice for how to behave when I’m in a higher position — she has said since then that she’s preparing me for a management role; (c) although she rarely gives positive feedback on a day-to-day basis, whenever I ask how I’m doing / meet for a performance evaluation, she effusively praises my strengths / how I’ve grown / how I’m valuable, and says how grateful she is to have me on her team; (d) she is always respectful in her behavior; and (e) she is very open to critical feedback herself, thanks me for it, and modifies her behavior based on it.

As I’ve been understanding more about what she wants from me and putting it into practice, the “nitpicking” has lessened dramatically. Ironically, having instant critical feedback on a day-to-day basis and rock-solid support during performance evaluations, has allowed me to lower my defenses and relax a lot!

Your nuanced advice regarding cat interactions has allowed me to not worry about it anymore. I try to keep my cats off-camera as much as possible, so I don’t forget and kiss them on the head, but luckily most of my meetings are with my tiny team and are camera-free. I think if I’m ever in a more important meeting with with my camera on and Babka decides it’s lap time, I’ll probably need to turn off video / mute while I lock her in another room, because she is Persistent and has Many Feelings. Now that I’m more confident, once in a while I’ll turn my camera on briefly so that my tiny team can see Babka on my shoulder — but then again, my boss loves cats and often has whole conversations with her cat while she’s in meetings with us. :) And I know She Would Tell Me if she wanted me to change!

the cats in question

10 Dec 14:44

MrBeast Offers To Give $1 Million To First Person Who Can Teach Him To Blink

by The Onion Staff

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling it a “life-changing” opportunity for one of his many subscribers, internet influencer Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered Friday to give $1 million to the first person who could teach him to blink. “Today, I’m kicking off the ‘Make MrBeast Blink Challenge’ and asking all of you to help me learn to finally close my eyes,” Donaldson said in a YouTube video, which followed the 26-year-old as he worked with eye doctors, psychologists, and physical therapists to even partially move his eyelids from their alarmingly wide-open position. “For my whole life, I’ve been cursed with two piercingly bright eyes that bulge out of my skull as I make terrifying eye contact with the camera. No one has ever been able to make me look or feel human…until today, God willing.” At press time, Donaldson offered to up the reward to $5 million if someone could also teach him how to wipe the shit-eating grin off his face. 

The post MrBeast Offers To Give $1 Million To First Person Who Can Teach Him To Blink appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 14:44

Dollar General Tests Same-Day Delivery

by The Onion Staff

Dollar General is testing same-day delivery to customers’ homes as the deep-discounter tries to fend off fiercer competition with Walmart. What do you think?

“But Dollar General is where you go to be seen.”

Theo Fulcher, Juice Concentrator

“I’d feel more comfortable if Dollar General didn’t have my address.”

David Dickins, Junior Demographer

“Can they send their whole inventory over so I can browse?”

Petra Hird, Jumpsuit Assembler

The post Dollar General Tests Same-Day Delivery appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 14:43

Pompous Geese Fly In Cursive V Formation

by The Onion Staff
10 Dec 14:43

Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters

by The Onion Staff

MOSCOW—Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Which one is better—one or two?” said the former brutal dictator who had imprisoned, tortured, and killed tens of thousands of his own people and was now standing behind a phoropter as he conducted a routine eye exam on a 26-year-old Russian graduate student. “Now the good news, Ms. Komarova, is that your vision has only changed a tiny bit since your last appointment. The bad news is you do have a touch of dryness in your left eye. Eye drops can run a tad expensive, but I do have a few free samples you can try.” At press time, Assad was threatening the front desk receptionist with sarin gas after she made a mistake with the scheduling software.

The post Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 14:42

More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets

by The Onion Staff

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by the New York Jets. “Sure, there are positives to having your child play football, but if my son were to somehow be signed to the Jets, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself,” said local parent Lindsay Cristholm, explaining that it would only take one bad NFL draft day to completely ruin her child’s life forever. “The thought of my sweet boy out there in a Jets jersey is too much to bear. No loving parent wants their child to end up as a Jets wide receiver or quarterback. It’s a crippling pain they would endure for the rest of their lives.” At press time, the NFL had reportedly attempted to assuage parents’ concerns by updating helmets to remove the Jets decal.

The post More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 14:04

updates: boss gave me hush money, don’t want to participate in my office’s steps challenge, and more

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. My boss gave me thank-you money in secret, but it feels like hush money (#3 at the link)

I thought both pieces of advice were solid options and landed between the two. I spent considerable amount of time asking myself if I keeping the money would prevent me from functioning authentically in the future should I have issues. I decided it would not.

I chose to assign good intentions since I had no tangible reason not to although my “spidey senses” were still tingling. Not taking the money seemed it may create bigger issues. Things seemed fine, and he seemed very pleased I accepted it.

Fast forward six months to yesterday. Someone on the leadership team reached out to provide notification of their role change in the company, and provide a personal word of warning to watch my back with the seasonal employees. Additionally information provided me with the backdrop for why I was given such a large amount of secret thank you money.

Apparently one of the seasonal employees was jealous of me and operating behind the scenes to sabotage me and my role. Leadership became aware of this toxic situation and talked about it among themselves. However the key authority personnel (the Money Giver) willingly chose to not address it because it didn’t personally affect him. Arguments among leadership ensued, pressure was applied to support me in my leadership role with said staff and Money Giver turned a blind eye.

So- all the spidey-tingles I experienced that something was amiss behind the scene were correct. The first commenter to my post was also correct. The money wasn’t hush money. It was “I f’ed up money.” He gave it to me to make himself feel better. But that’s okay. I bought brakes for my car, I now know my discernment was sharp, that leadership here is a mess and same seasonal employees are coming back. Leadership displayed their values – which do not align with mine. I am now job searching to find a place that more closely aligns with my values. It’s still a win for me!

Thanks for the advice!

2. My boss told me to meet weekly with my coworker … but my coworker won’t do it

I took your advice and emailed Jim and pushed for in-person meetings, especially since our boss asked me to establish regular face-to-face time. Unfortunately, he didn’t respond. My attempts to catch him in person about this did not work out.

I went back to my boss one last time. She explained that while she can mandate meetings with Jim, she believes it would be punitive for her to require meetings between the two of us, and feels it would be better for Jim and me to resolve this together without her intervening. My boss also clarified that Jim’s preference for email isn’t personal but part of his standard approach. He likes to process conversations and reflect before responding. Side note: Earlier this year, Jim told our boss that he didn’t see the value in regular 1:1 meetings. Boss had to put in a lot of work to get him to agree to meet regularly with her!

Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve had two communication issues where Jim expressed concerns through email, IM, or via my direct report instead of speaking to me directly. This has led to confusion and required me to initiate in-person conversations to clarify and resolve the issues. The second instance was particularly problematic, as he discussed his concerns with four other people during a meeting I wasn’t part of, including my direct report. He then messaged both my boss and me simultaneously about the issue without first talking to me. Both times this happened, I was completely surprised by his concerns and caught off-guard. This has been very frustrating.

I’m disappointed that my boss won’t require Jim to meet with me and that Jim hasn’t made communication easier. I still don’t understand why this has turned into such a “thing,” or why I am the one who is solely responsible for trying to better communicate with Jim. I hate to say it, but I am a youngish woman and he is an older man — I sincerely hope that our demographics have nothing to do with this, but who knows? Regardless, I sent him a final, direct request to meet bi-weekly, given the recent issues. I’m waiting for his response.

To address your question on verbosity: ironically, Jim is known for storytelling and lengthy explanations during meetings, so that label might suit him more than me — though I could be biased!

3. I don’t want to participate in my office’s steps challenge

I wrote in about how to manage a steps challenge at work when I was concerned about being pressured to participate. Your advice was spot on in helping to give me a breezy way to respond when two people did push me about signing up.

As is often the case for many who reach out for advice, I realized this one thing was a symptom of a larger culture issue. When I sat back to think about it, I realized I didn’t feel like I fit in with the office culture and didn’t like my work enough to keep trying to fit in. I decided to start job hunting and asked an old boss for help. He put me in touch with a friend of his who connected me with a company that did similar work but was a much better culture fit. Especially in this market, I was glad it was easy for me to quickly find another job that made me much happier.

4. Is it appropriate to want to be told when my manager won’t be in the office?

In the 10 years since this letter, my attitude toward my work and I think in general, Americans’ attitudes towards work and work location have really shifted. Speaking generally, I care less about where people are than if they do good work in a timely manner, and communicate appropriately.

For the specifics of the original question, I did take Alison’s advice that as long as things were getting done, then it had nothing to do with me. I remained in the role for several years, and looking back, I admire my manager for living her own life and also being a supportive boss, who has since been a reference several times.

Due to the nature of the field I’m in now, I’m likely to work for small (tiny) organizations in the future, though they won’t be family businesses. I think more years in the working world have helped me realize what is and what isn’t mine to care about.

5. Managers don’t know we can all read their private Slack channel

I wound up telling them that the Slack channel was open. I decided that they really needed to know. I told my acting manager who was one of the three in the channel. He started to cry. I received an apology from the chief of staff and the CEO thanked me for acting like a “grown-up.” My new manager didn’t understand my role and the leadership team continued to be toxic. I wound up playing my own personal game of survivor as everyone in my department started to leave one by one. It came down to me and one other woman. I left about a week before she did! I am now in a new position with a wonderful new boss. I appreciate everyone’s advice and continue to follow everyone’s stories on AAM!

10 Dec 12:41

update: someone made a mean “self-evaluation” for my boss, and she’s punishing us all

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker made a mean “self-evaluation” for their boss, who punishing everyone? Here’s the update.

A lot has happened since I last wrote.

First, I’d like to clarify some details. I didn’t write the self-evaluation, and at the time of the letter, I didn’t even know who had written it. I read it because it was stuck on a whiteboard that I needed to use during a meeting, and the person helping me move the whiteboard read it too. We threw it away afterward. I know that the malicious self-evaluation was also posted on the bulletin board, on the kitchen wall, and mixed in with other documents. It became popular partly because Rhonda isn’t well-liked at the company and partly because it was written in a humorous style. So even those who didn’t read it directly heard quotes from people who had.

One commentator said that this fake evaluation was distracting from the real issue, and you said Rhonda was a terrible manager and likely to continue doing awful things in the future. You were both right.

Some of us went to HR to question why flexible hours were no longer available, and Rhonda claimed it was all a misunderstanding. She said she only suggested stricter hours and that we weren’t required to follow them. I asked HR if it was possible to review my evaluation because I disagreed with some of Rhonda’s points, and I wasn’t the only one. To say that Rhonda didn’t like this would be an understatement.

The level of micromanagement after that reached absurd levels. She would interrupt people at random times, and we had to give her a complete report of everything we’d done since the last time she asked. This happened several times a day, and Rhonda expected lengthy or detailed responses, or she would interrupt you again and again. She also replied to emails vaguely, forcing you to talk to her in person for a proper answer.

Rhonda was also determined to blame someone for the letter. She interrogated all of us in groups and individually about it. She tried to figure out which groups of people typically went out together after work and concluded that a group who regularly drank together after hours was responsible. She told everyone that she knew who the culprits were, and so did we, and that the cover-up was only making things worse. Things escalated between her and this group. Rhonda claimed they deliberately scratched her car; the group said she was stalking them during lunch breaks. I’m not sure how much of this made it to HR — I tried to stay far away from all the chaos.

Fortunately, it lasted only a few months. One of the employees Rhonda was harassing as the supposed culprit missed an important deadline on a project. Rhonda didn’t notice until it was too late. We lost the client, and when Rhonda tried to put all the blame on the employee, she ended up being penalized herself for not realizing there had been no progress on the project for a significant amount of time. She and the employee had a very public argument during which the author of the letter was revealed (and it wasn’t the employee involved in the argument). Voices were raised, insults were exchanged, and both of them were escorted to HR and never came back.

The author of the self-evaluation claimed to have received a warning from HR and a compliment for their writing skills. I can’t say if that’s true, but I find it amusing to think so.

HR didn’t allow the evaluations to be redone, citing that there was no one available to redo them. This accelerated my job search, and I’m happy to say that I recently found a new job and have left all the drama from that company behind.

I thank you and the readers for the advice.

10 Dec 12:35

boss talks to me like I’m a baby, coworker is making me late, and more

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My boss talks to me like I’m a baby

I am wondering how I should address a slight issue I am having with my boss. Because I am quite short and young-looking (I am actually in my early 20s, but probably look like I am in my late teens) my boss always makes pretty patronizing remarks about my appearance. She calls me things such as “cute” and “babyface.” For example, last week I had to give a presentation so I wore boots with a slight heel, and she said “Aww, are you trying to look taller for the important people? You’re so cute!” And if I can’t reach something, she says “Aww, honey, should I get you a stool so you can reach like a big girl?”

The comments make me quite uncomfortable, not because I am embarrassed about being short, but because I feel that any comments about a person’s physical appearance are inappropriate in the workplace, even if intended in good nature.

I’m young and pretty new to the job, so I don’t want to sour my relationship with my boss (who in every other way is a great boss) by calling her out. But I do find it very patronizing and demoralizing. Everyone always thinks that I am younger than I am (I get ID’d all the time still!) but I’m trying to prove myself in my industry and I don’t want to cower down to her comments. How should I address this?

Wow, that’s really inappropriate. Those aren’t minor comments at all; they’re actually pretty insulting. You say she’s in every other way a great boss so she probably doesn’t intend to be insulting — but she is.

I would try this: “Jane, when you talk about my height or call me ‘babyface’ or ‘cute,’ it undermines my ability to be taken seriously. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t refer to my height or my appearance at all.” If you want to soften the language a little, you could change the start of that last sentence to “could I ask you not to refer to…” But really, this an incredibly reasonable request, and if your manager truly is a good boss as she otherwise appears to you to be, she’ll respect it and stop with the comments.

But I’m really struggling with the idea that she could be a good manager and still be saying these things. If it was just “cute” and “babyface,” sure. She could be misguided there but great otherwise. But it’s hard to take remarks like “Aww, are you trying to look taller for the important people?” and “Aww, honey, should I get you a stool so you can reach like a big girl?” as anything other than deliberately infantilizing.

2018

Read an update to this letter here.

2. My boss is furious after my coworker pranked her

Today our boss came to my desk to talk to me, in an open office area of about 40 cubicles. Her back was turned to my coworker. As she was talking to me, my coworker pulled out a fake spider and put it in my boss’s shoulder. My boss turned around, yelled, was in shock, and told her, “How dare you! I am afraid of spiders! If you do that again, I will seriously quit!” Sorry to use the obscenity, she then called my coworker an F’ing bitch (but she didn’t abbreviate it), then stormed into her office and slammed the door. Our team sits pretty close to each other and we all just looked at each other in shock. My coworker who played the prank was shaking and tearing up. So she Skyped and emailed our boss an apology.

My coworker became nervous when our boss didn’t respond and kept her door closed. I advised my coworker to give her time and let her cool down. As the day went on, my boss sent me work-related emails and I assumed she would slowly come around.

Later in the day, our boss wrote a complaint to the owner of the company and the HR manager and copied my coworker, who told me that the email said “how dare you do that” and that this is harassment.

I agree what my coworker did was wrong, but can she get fired? I guess it is possible because we live in Florida and it is an at-will state. What are your thoughts?

Legally, yes, she could be fired, but it’s pretty unlikely that she will be. It’s more likely that she’ll be told not to pull pranks on people in the office again, which is a reasonable outcome.

I don’t fault your boss for having a strong initial response; while her reaction was a lot, some people are indeed terribly freaked out by this kind of thing. But it makes no sense that she’d send a letter to the owner or HR; she’s a manager and has the authority on her own to talk to your coworker and make it clear she shouldn’t do something like that again. She doesn’t need to borrow authority from anyone else, or have them handle it for her … and it’s not harassment in the legal sense. I would have expected her to handle it professionally once she’d had a chance to calm down after the initial shock, and it doesn’t seem like that’s happened.

2015

Read an update to this letter here.

3. My coworker won’t leave work on time and is making me late

I have recently started carpooling with a coworker who lives nearby. She doesn’t have a car, so I pick her up from her house and drop her off after work and she makes a contribution toward fuel costs (about one-third, which I’m fine with). It’s only an extra five minutes each way on my journey (well, it should be — more on that later), and it’s nice to have some company in the car and also help toward fuel.

My problem is that she is never ready to leave work on time in the afternoon! I need to leave on the dot of our finish time in order to miss the worst of the traffic. An extra minute late leaving generally results in an extra three to five minutes on my commute, so leaving five minutes late means getting home 15-25 minutes late. I’ll get to her desk at the end of work and she will still be answering emails, or tidying up, or want to use the bathroom before setting off, so I am always late home which is starting to really frustrate me. I’ve tried saying in the morning “I need to leave on time tonight” but it has no effect. We do the same job which is busy but not overwhelming so it’s not that she can’t get her work done in the workday. To be honest, it feels like passive-aggressive dawdling but I have no idea why. She’s always ready to leave on time in the morning. I’d feel bad ending the carpooling, partly because I appreciate the gas money but also because my coworker is pregnant and I’d be subjecting her to a 60-minute commute via two buses rather than 30 minutes sitting comfortably in the car. Any advice on how to deal with this coworker would be welcome!

It sounds like she has a different definition of “on time” than you do. She might not realize that a few minutes would have such an impact and may think that what she’s doing is on time. If you haven’t been really explicit with her about what you mean, start with something like this: “The way traffic works, I need to leave precisely at 5 p.m. If I leave even at 5:03, it adds 15 extra minutes for the commute. 5:05 means it takes 25 minutes longer. So I need to be literally walking out the door by 5 on the dot. You’re often still tidying up at 5, or need to use the bathroom before we go, or so forth. Can we change our arrangement so that you have all that done and you’re standing with your stuff by the door at 5:00 on the dot? I realize that’s really rigid, but it makes the commute much longer if I don’t.”

That might be enough to fix it. But if it keeps happening, then you could say, “Hey, I’m happy to keep carpooling, but I’ve got to walk out the door right at 5, with or without you! So if you’re not ready then, I’ll need to just leave. Given that, does it still make sense to keep our arrangement?”

If it still happens after that, go ahead and leave without her or end the arrangement because it’s not working for you. And if that happens, you’re not subjecting her to a 60-minute commute by bus; with this kind of ample explanation and warning, she would be subjecting herself to that.

2017

4. Can I ask to room with my fiance at an upcoming work trip?

This question is very hypothetical, since my fiancee is currently temping at my workplace, although she’s going to be interviewed for a permanent position this week.

In the next few weeks, we’re likely to need to make roommate arrangements for an upcoming 2-day event that my company puts on every year. All employees are strongly encouraged, although not required, to attend, and everyone at my level will be sharing a hotel room. I know that it’s fairly common to room with coworkers in other departments, as my fiancee would be if she was hired, and we are the same gender, which is also required.

We keep things pretty professional, but friendly in the office, and usually only cross paths when we come in in the morning and leave at night. (This is an almost aggressively casual office though, so we also try not to stick out too much by being overly formal with each other.) I’m afraid that asking to room with her (if she gets the job, big if still, I know!) would harm the image we’ve created for ourselves, even though it would only affect our non-working time. What do you think?

I don’t see why not. I’m assuming that people at work will know about your relationship, or at least that you’re not planning to hide it, since professionalism doesn’t require that you go so far as to deny that a relationship exists when one does. Given that, it would probably be weirder if you didn’t room together.

The only wrinkle I can see here is that she might not be hired by the time rooming assignments are being coordinated, but you can cross that bridge if/when you come to it.

2015

10 Dec 12:28

Assad Regime Leaves Note Thanking Locals For Supporting Family-Run Dictatorship

by The Onion Staff

DAMASCUS—Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation’s people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. “It’s been my family’s great honor to operate an authoritarian regime in this country for the past half century, and we never could have done it had it not been for the many millions of subjects we ruled with an iron fist,” read the handwritten message taped to the front door of the presidential palace, expressing gratitude for the decades in which the Assads used their unchecked power to enrich themselves to the tune of several billion dollars. “As a humble mom-and-pop dictatorship, it was an honor to provide the community for so many years with torture, forced disappearances, extrajudicial killings, and deadly chemical attacks.” The note added that while the family was not yet sure who would take over their business in Syria, they remained confident someone would emerge to take the place of their boot on the throat of civilians.

The post Assad Regime Leaves Note Thanking Locals For Supporting Family-Run Dictatorship appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 12:28

Making Tea

Cowboy Who?

Some Americans get mad with this too.

No, of course we don't microwave the mug WITH the teabag in it. We microwave the teabag separately.
09 Dec 19:43

Americans Glad ISIS Defeated Or Something

by The Onion Staff

PHILADELPHIA—Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern–looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. “It’s so awesome how those people went in and just told ISIS to get out of that part of the world,” said local man Gino Amaro, speaking on behalf of all 340 million Americans, who reportedly cheered while watching footage of what they believed to be Egyptians “or whoever the gun guys are” storming the Castle of ISIS to stop them from doing bad stuff over there. “We’re pumped that, like, al-Qaeda is now gone forever, right? And that’s good? The people of Afghanistan have suffered enough under that emperor—or whatever he’s called. They should keep this going and do Saddam Hussein next.” At press time, Americans were said to be demanding all the nation’s statues of the ISIS king be torn down in solidarity.

The post Americans Glad ISIS Defeated Or Something appeared first on The Onion.

09 Dec 19:43

Houston ISD student fatally struck by train crossing tracks near Milby High School

by Kyle McClenagan
In a statement to Houston Public Media, an Houston ISD spokesperson confirmed that the pedestrian was a student of Milby High School, which is located near where the crash occurred. 
09 Dec 19:42

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Tradition

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Tradition is whatever had just faded when I was 12.


Today's News:
09 Dec 19:40

Zizek Gets a Business Loan

by Corey Mohler
PERSON: "Welcome Mr Zizek, i am Juan Amiguet, i understand you are looking for a business loan? "

PERSON: "Yes, this is right."

PERSON: "And what sort of business are you looking to start?"

PERSON: "Communist revolution."

PERSON: "i see, and you are looking for $75 million in capital?"

PERSON: "That's right."

PERSON: "Yes, my plan is to sieze the means of production and run the economy for the good of the people."

PERSON: "And how long before you think you will start making a profit on this “sieze the means of production”?"

PERSON: "We intend to abolish profit entirely."

PERSON: "i see..."

PERSON: "Abolish profit, very good. Okay, it looks like you qualify."

PERSON: "And do you have a business plan?"

PERSON: "Look, it doesn't really matter, if you don't repay the loan the government will just bail us out."

PERSON: "Will that be cash or check?"
09 Dec 17:49

The Onion’s bid to buy Infowars goes before judge as Alex Jones tries stopping sale

by Dave Collins, Associated Press
The auction was held to help pay nearly $1.5 billion in defamation judgments that Jones was ordered to pay families of victims of the 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting.
09 Dec 17:44

Timeline Of Presidential Pardons 

by The Onion Staff

President Joe Biden issued a “full and unconditional” pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons.

1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty to all Confederate war horses. 

1933: FDR accidentally releases thousands of imprisoned criminals after falling asleep on the pardon button.

1972: Nixon pardons Frank Sinatra’s mobster friend Angelo DeCarlo in a bid to join the Rat Pack.

1974: You know Nixon was never actually convicted of any crimes right? Like, the media always pretends he’s so evil but there was never any real proof of anything. You’re being lied to.

1977: Jimmy Carter pardons Vietnam War draft dodgers in exchange for having somewhere to stay in Canada whenever he’s in town. 

1981: Ronald Reagan pardons John Hinckley Jr. in a misguided attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

1992: George H.W. Bush pardons several turkeys for their role in the Iran-Contra affair. 

2001: After having his blindfold removed, Bill Clinton offers a full and enthusiastic pardon of Patty Hearst.

2024: Joe Biden pardons himself to go take a nice, long nap for the rest of his presidency. 

The post Timeline Of Presidential Pardons  appeared first on The Onion.