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DOGE is knitting together data from the Department of Homeland Security, Social Security Administration, and IRS that could create a surveillance tool of unprecedented scope.

VICTORIA, BC – A local man who has never once found a woman’s clitoris has really gotten into AI art. “AI is the best,” claimed Shawn Owens, 29, as he played a video game created by real human beings against a background of music also created by real human beings. “I do absolutely nothing, and […]

The post Guy who can’t find the clitoris really into AI art appeared first on The Beaverton.

#Kento #Rowen #RoninWarriors

In brief: In this update we take a look at the forecast for Easter Sunday, which does not look too impactful for the greater Houston area. Nonetheless we are likely to see rain showers, and a few sporadic thunderstorms, on Sunday afternoon and evening.

Hi everyone, just wanted to jump in on this Saturday morning to provide a final look at the forecast for Easter Sunday (unless the outlook changes dramatically). We are still looking at a warm, mostly cloudy day today with temperatures in the mid-80s. Rain today and tonight is rather unlikely, so there are really no concerns beyond the relatively high (for April) humidity.

The forecast begins to change some on Sunday, when a weak front will sag toward the area. Most of our high resolution modeling suggests that Sunday morning should be fine, aside from the slim possibility of a few stray, light showers. Chances for showers and few thunderstorms increase during the afternoon hours for the western portion of the Houston metro area, and then spreading into the entire region during the evening. It would not surprise me if the best chance of rain for most locations in Houston comes during the overnight hours, into Monday morning, as the front stalls over the city.

In terms of impacts, most of Houston can expect between 0.25 and 0.75 inch of rain on Sunday and Sunday night, with the possibility of some sporadic thunderstorms. In terms of severe weather, the primary risk is damaging winds. But truth be told, overall, this does not look like a particularly threatening event. I’m hopeful that most of Houston will be able to enjoy outdoor activities through the morning and, possibly, much of the afternoon hours on Sunday. One can never be quite certain with setups like this, however, with a slow-moving front moving into an atmosphere with a decent amount of moisture.

If the outlook changes significantly, we will update this evening or on Sunday morning.

'Cause where you're at is with Cowboy Pat. #CowboyWho

CNN:

A federal appeals court rejected the Trump administration’s request that it halt the next steps Judge Paula Xinis is seeking to take in the case concerning a migrant who was wrongly deported to El Salvador, with a strident warning about the rule of law and the possibility the dispute presented an “incipient crisis.”

The 4th US Circuit Court of Appeals said in its seven-page ruling Thursday that the Trump administration’s assertions in the case “should be shocking not only to judges, but to the intuitive sense of liberty that Americans far removed from courthouses still hold dear.”

The unanimous ruling was written by Judge Harvie Wilkinson, an appointee of former President Ronald Reagan. In it, he was extremely critical of the administration’s effort to undo some of Xinis’ recent orders in the case, sounding alarm bells about how its maneuverings in the matter have resulted in the two branches “grinding irrevocably against one another in a conflict that promises to diminish both.”

Quoting from Wilkinson’s order:

It is difficult in some cases to get to the very heart of the matter. But in this case, it is not hard at all. The government is asserting a right to stash away residents of this country in foreign prisons without the semblance of due process that is the foundation of our constitutional order. Further, it claims in essence that because it has rid itself of custody that there is nothing that can be done.

This should be shocking not only to judges, but to the intuitive sense of liberty that Americans far removed from courthouses still hold dear.

The government asserts that Abrego Garcia is a terrorist and a member of MS-13. Perhaps, but perhaps not. Regardless, he is still entitled to due process. If the government is confident of its position, it should be assured that position will prevail in proceedings to terminate the withholding of removal order.

No minced words. No equivocation. No histrionics either. Just calling it like it is. More like this, please. This needs to be faced head-on, with plain language.

The three former students went to UT-Arlington and UT-Dallas. While they have prevailed in court so far, many other international students’ education futures remain uncertain.

The post Trump: ‘The Only Gun Guy To Stop Bad Gun With Good Guy’ appeared first on The Onion.

Colossal Biosciences claims it has brought back the dire wolf, a species that went extinct thousands of years ago, by editing the genes of gray wolves. The Onion examines the pros and cons of resurrecting extinct species.

PRO: No other problems for science to tackle right now

CON: Some of them are bugs

PRO: New animals at the zoo to huck rocks at

CON: Woolly mammoths ill-equipped for modern service economy

PRO: Would be interesting to see how cat interacts with ankylosaur

CON: Not enough krill to go around

PRO: Get to call the dodo ugly to its face

CON: Who’s gonna walk them?

The post Pros And Cons Of Bringing Back Extinct Species appeared first on The Onion.

CANADA – A somewhat reclusive and middle-aged Canada admitted it is stuck between making new friends or sticking with the one friend they’ve had forever, despite them recently becoming noticeably more conservative. Already facing an increasingly busy work life, the maturing nation of Canada opened up about its longtime friend and neighbour. “He’s always been […]

The post Canada stuck between making new friends and sticking with that one friend that’s gotten super conservative appeared first on The Beaverton.

MONTREAL – Despite efforts to reflect on the federal leaders debate for the 2025 election, any analysis was cut short due to repeated interruptions from NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh. The debate kicked off at 7pm EST, with all four leaders gathering to discuss Canada’s response to Trump, housing affordability, and okay, we can’t even finish […]

The post We tried to write a debate analysis, but Jagmeet Singh kept interrupting us appeared first on The Beaverton.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Based on a surely-at-least-somewhat-tongue-in-check chapter from Eric Schwitzgebel's book The Weirdness of the World.

Today's News:

The closure of four of the six Regional Climate Centers across the U.S. occurred after funding from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration ran out. A recent report stated that the Trump administration plans to propose a 25% cut to NOAA's budget next fiscal year.

AUGUSTA, ME—In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said as she held up the weapon with a rubber glove, adding that the Beretta 92FS pistol—which had allegedly been used in several high-profile murders, including a recent triple homicide—had the state population’s DNA all over it. “Likely story this isn’t yours. I bet if we keep looking, we’ll find bullet casings and a body too. And if that happens? Let’s just say you all will be going away for a very, very long time.” At press time, Maine’s populace had been detained and taken in for questioning after attempting to flee across the Canadian border.

The post DOJ Plants Gun On Maine appeared first on The Onion.

IT's coPtok, and you'll only find it right here on Cowboy Who? #CowboyWho

#Kento #RoninWarriors

Some lawmakers say a bill requiring counties to switch to TEAM would make it easier to monitor voter rolls. But the system has had its problems.

As lawmakers work to close loopholes that allow minors access to cannabis consumables, hemp farmers warn a total THC ban would strangle a once-hailed crop.

AMESVILLE, OH—Explaining that the tight-knit community was built upon a strong foundation of trust, residents of this small Midwestern locale told reporters Wednesday that their town was the kind where everyone leaves their chastity belts unlocked. “Everybody knows everybody in a place this size, so when my father leaves he doesn’t even bother to lock up my chastity belt,” said 22-year-old Amesville resident Mildred Hunneman, adding that having neighbors slip in and out as they pleased was one of the great joys of their slower pace of life. “We just try to be friendly and accommodating. Why, if ol’ Tom down the road wants to stroll over and pop inside me, he knows he’s welcome to do it, just as sure as I’m welcome to do the same to him! I must have had half the dang town in here just last week. My sister Clara moved out to the big city some years back, and when I went to visit, her chastity belt had three different locks on it. She’d get up in the middle of the night to double check them! You’d never see that kind of fussin’ and worryin’ here in Amesville. Heck, you’re liable to get laughed at if anyone ever catches you walking around with your key!” At press time, sources confirmed that Hunneman had warily locked her chastity belt after seeing a Hispanic couple pull in at the gas station.

The post Small Town Kind Where Everyone Leaves Chastity Belts Unlocked appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Revealing a concerning decades-long decline in academic achievement for the demographic, a New York University study published Monday found that handmade boy marionettes were falling behind their peers in school. “When analyzing standardized test scores across elementary and middle school students, it’s clear that little boy marionettes hand-carved out of wood are not keeping pace with their fellow classmates,” said the study’s lead author, Professor Liam Faulk, who explained that the lagging aptitude of the wooden boy puppets was likely attributable to factors such as frequently skipping class to visit the Land of Toys, tangled strings impeding their hands from writing, and being raised in single Italian woodworker households. “Our data revealed that these marionette boys have a more difficult time paying attention to their responsibilities and listening to authority figures than their flesh and blood counterparts. This is not to mention their rampant lying, which often leads to growing noses as well as higher rates of school suspensions.” Among the study’s recommendations are programs that pair handmade boy marionettes with dapper and gentlemanly crickets that can act as their mentor and moral guide.

The post Study Finds Handmade Boy Marionettes Falling Behind Peers In School appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In an apparent effort to tamp down on recent speculation about their relationship, Barack and Michelle Obama reportedly showed off their vibrant marriage Friday by inviting the nation to join them in the boudoir. “Obviously, there have been some rumors swirling around myself and Michelle, and we’d like to put that to rest by letting the country into our bedroom to see the kind of passionate lovemaking we still embark on every night,” the former president said as he wrapped an arm around his wife and beckoned to all 340 million Americans. “The truth is we have never loved each other more. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable in the corner. I’ll blow out these candles. Y’know, if you pay attention, you’ll kind of see how I anticipate every one of Michelle’s needs—as she does mine. That’s the kind of sexual understanding that only comes with time. And hey, if one of you wants to reach in and give us a hand, feel free. No worries at all. This bedroom is a no-judgment zone.” After the 82-year-old was seen peering out of the closet, Obama told the nation to pay no attention to former President Joe Biden, stressing that he was just there to watch.

The post Obamas Show Off Vibrant Marriage By Inviting Nation To Join Them In Boudoir appeared first on The Onion.

Sammy Gertz, 41, passed away Tuesday while bravely fighting off a horde of restaurant patrons attempting to give her the Heimlich maneuver.

The post Sammy Gertz appeared first on The Onion.

Homestar Runner and Strong Bad briefly join forces to celebrate 25 years of dot commery!

Get the #1 jam if ya want!
https://strongbadactual.bandcamp.com/track/back-to-a-website

As international students at the university, Texas and the U.S.  have had visas revoked by the federal government — in some cases in response to their participation in pro-Palestinian demonstrations — some students told Houston Public Media they showed up for those who feared they could face consequences by appearing at the protest. 

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Excusing myself from a fancy work lunch due to allergies

I have severe food allergies to multiple common food items. They are complex (substitutes for one food often contain another, some allergies are tied to flavoring or preservative agents not immediately obvious, etc.), often challenging, truly allergic (not an intolerance), and fairly new (adult onset a few years ago).

For that reason, I very rarely eat out. My food intake is consistent and incredibly limited. I had to work with a dietician for several months to figure out how to even get enough sustenance in me each day.

This reality sometimes makes it difficult to be involved in work events, many of which are food-related. But I’ve come to peace with that and typically just show my face and sip on a water or soft drink.

After a recent success, however, one of the higher-ups is bringing my team and another to a fancy local restaurant for a celebratory lunch. Everyone is very excited, but I checked the menu, and it’s going to be near-impossible for me to eat at this establishment. To be fair, it’s near-impossible for me to eat at most establishments, and even if I just pick at a plain salad, I tend to be a nervous mess the whole time.

Is there a graceful way to decline this group outing/similar outings without reflecting poorly on me or being left out of things in the future? I’d rather they not try to accommodate me; I don’t want to disappoint everyone else who is eager to attend. An alternative restaurant would also not necessarily help my dilemma; I don’t eat out often enough to even recommend one. To that end, I don’t know what else I could do but bow out; attending and not partaking feels somewhat awkward.

Can you call the restaurant, explain the situation, and ask if they’d okay you bringing your own food? Although restaurants often don’t allow that, they’ll sometimes make an exception in cases like this.

Alternately, if there’s something simple that’s not on the menu which you’d feel safe eating if they prepared it in an agreed-upon way (like plain poached salmon with a clear agreement not to add anything to it, or something else similarly straightforward), you could ask about that. Some people with very restrictive diets are comfortable doing that and some aren’t willing to trust it was prepared the way they requested; if you aren’t, ignore that suggestion.

Otherwise, it’s fine to explain your situation and say you’ll need to opt out. Say something like: “I really appreciate the offer to take us to Belvédère à Tacos. I have medical restrictions that mean I can’t eat in restaurants so I need to bow out, but I wanted to explain why and thank you for the recognition.” If they ask if there’s somewhere else that would work for you, you can reply, “I really don’t eat out because of it, but thank you for wanting to try!”

If you’re not comfortable sounding quite so rigid about it since it sounds like you do occasionally eat in restaurants (and you presumably don’t want to say this and then be spotted by a coworker in a restaurant the next day), you could replace “I can’t eat in restaurants” with “I can’t eat in the majority of restaurants” and, if pressed for an alternative, “I’m in restaurants so rarely because of this that I wouldn’t be able to recommend one, but thank you for offering.”

2. VP sent around a photo of a coworker doing a Nazi salute

I have been at my current company for eight years and it’s not perfect, but I do mostly enjoy my work. Last week the senior VP and COO of the company accidentally sent out a photo to 20 employees of our coworker doing a Nazi salute in a branded booth in front of two massive company logos, during an active trade show. There were multiple members of the executive management team, including the director of HR, on the chain, but not one person said anything about the Nazi pic, except for me. I texted that it was incredibly offensive and I don’t want to see that at work. I also spoke with HR. The senior VP sent more trade show pics and pretended like he didn’t just spread hate speech. It was very surreal.

There was zero doubt about what he was doing in the photo, and it quickly made the rounds of our small office. Everyone who saw it was equally horrified and several are thinking of resigning because of it.

This week I was told that the Nazi was reprimanded but will continue to work for the company. I told HR that I would at least like an apology and it should also be extended to everyone on that text chain. I was made to feel like I totally overreacted.

Unrelated to this recent incident, I’ve been interviewing for about a month for a new job that would offer more chance to move up in the company and is also much closer to home. I was truly on the fence about leaving, but the Nazi salute pushed me into the GTFO NOW camp. I anticipate receiving the job offer tomorrow.

When I write my resignation letter, can I explicitly state that I am leaving to grow my career in part but my main push to leave now is the Nazi salute and the way it was handled?

Please do explain that’s why you’re leaving! It’s astonishing that your company didn’t even think this should be addressed with the people the photo was sent to.

I generally wouldn’t put something like this in your resignation letter — resignation letters are for bureaucratic details like confirming you’re resigning and what your last day will be; they’re not the place to get into grievances — although in this case there’s a hell of an argument for including it. Either way, you can absolutely say it face-to-face when you tell your boss you’re leaving, and if you have an exit interview you should mention there as well.

You should also feel free to make sure everyone you work with knows what happened, if they don’t already know.

3. I feel guilty about telling my boss one of my employee was about to resign

I am in charge of a large number of employees. One of them told me he got a new job and would be giving his official notice this coming Monday (he is currently out of town). It weighed heavy on my heart to mention something to my boss. I hemmed and hawed about saying something because we are getting into a very busy season and realistically need to hire now if we are losing someone. He also told two or three of our other coworkers and is clearly excited. I am very excited for him!

So I mentioned to my boss that there was a 99% certainty that someone would be leaving and giving notice on Monday. He pressed hard and told me I needed to tell him who exactly so that he can make arrangements or at least get thinking about it. This is where I put myself in a pickle: I told him I didn’t want to betray anyone but as a leader at our store I did feel inclined to say something, knowing just how busy we are and how much of a detriment it will be when he leaves right now.

My boss seemed grateful that I said something. I even spoke to HR about it first, where she told me it would be best to at least mention something to my boss so we can start arrangements.

But I feel intense guilt that I said anything about it. I do not want to jeopardize his relationship with work and I am not happy that my boss pressed me because I tried desperately to be anonymous. I am his supervisor and in leadership here, and he did not tell me to keep it a secret. But I don’t want to betray him or put him in a bad spot. I think overall I could have waited until Monday. But I also feel like as a business person it was okay that I mentioned something. Is what I did wrong?

He didn’t ask you to keep it a secret! He presumably told you because it felt like work-relevant info and he didn’t ask you not to share it, so you are beating yourself up entirely too much. You’re fine.

If he had asked you to keep it a secret, you’d have been in a harder spot. That’s not always a request a manager can comfortably agree to; when you’re in possession of information that you know will affect business operations, in some cases you have an obligation not to keep that to yourself. That said, a difference of a few days will rarely make enough difference to matter, and in that case you should err on the side of respecting a request for confidentiality if you can. If it were the rare situation where a few days would matter — like if your boss was about to turn down an applicant who would be perfect as a replacement or make staffing decisions that would be affected by this — you’d have much more of an obligation to mention it.

The one thing you did weirdly here was presenting it to your boss as “someone is leaving but I can’t tell you who.” Either tell him or don’t tell him, but that kind of coyness will just cause alarm without having anything actionable attached to it, and it’s not surprising that your boss pressed you to say more once you raised it.

4. Missing work for a tennis tournament

My 17-year-old got a job at a local tennis club. He, like every single other weekend employee, is on his high school varsity tennis team. All these kids have weekend tennis tournaments to travel to during their rather short tennis season (four different weekends!). The employees are asked to find a sub to cover their shifts, but they are literally ALL going to these tournaments. My son’s boss seems unreasonably angry at all of them, when he could have seen this coming a mile away. What is the best way for my son to communicate with his boss about this?

“When I was hired, my understanding was that I’d be able to find subs for the small number of shifts I couldn’t work; it wasn’t clear when I signed on that no one would be available to sub because we all have to attend the same tournaments. I need to keep my commitments to my team, so I cannot be here on (dates). I understand if that means I can’t stay on.”

It’s possible his boss will consider this a deal-breaker so he should be prepared for that … but you’re not wrong that the boss should have anticipated it!

The post getting out of a fancy work lunch due to allergies, photo of a coworker doing a Nazi salute, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

The post Federal leaders stumble during debate’s steeplechase section appeared first on The Beaverton.

When Skelottie turned up with her bag of provisions, the comments were so preoccupied with Dean’s vertical monitors that they hardly questioned what might be in the bag.

The post Very herbal appeared first on Bad Machinery.