Cowboy Who?
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...and almost instantaneously you'll find your ...
...and almost instantaneously you'll find your hand in .. of ... uh ... very deep ... sleep ... #CowboyWho
I’m sorry, you were mauled by a tiger.
I’m sorry, you were mauled by a tiger.
Anybody wanna go uptown? I’m goin’ that way.
Anybody wanna go uptown? I’m goin’ that way.
The North Pole Has Suffered a Data Breach
Dear Valued Child,
This letter was slipped into your stocking to inform you that we recently identified a breach of our North Pole Magic Systems (NPMS) that may have compromised your personal data—namely, the thousands of hours of footage we have of when you are sleeping, as well as when you are awake.
How did the breach occur?
Shortly after Thanksgiving, we detected that a person within the NPMS organization (identity redacted for anonymity) clicked on a link entitled, “Winner!!! Claim FREE 6XL Red Coat With Fur Trim Now!” Regrettably, this turned out to be a phishing scheme that exploited a vulnerability in our system. We now understand that the innocent enchantment of believing hearts is not a reliable form of cybersecurity.
While we have yet to pinpoint the attacker’s identity, we have narrowed the suspects down to three previous perpetrators of crimes against the season: E. Scrooge, Mr. Grinch, and Big City Lady-Lawyer With Christmas Eve Deadline.
What information was involved?
When you opted in to NPMS (by requesting an item from St. Nick or his mall representative), you granted us express permission to access your biodata in order to make a list, check it twice, and upload it to a third-party cloud service.
This information includes, but is not limited to, your:
- Favorite sports team
- Mom’s cookie-baking prowess
- Percentage of nightly REM resulting in sugar plum visions
- Ability to hear ethereal ring of a magic sleighbell
- Home blueprints with detailed notes on how to bypass the security system to both enter and leave undetected by all humans and pets in the vicinity
What you can do
Please take precautions to monitor your Naughty Indicator of Coal Offering (NICO) Score, the number used to predict your likelihood of receiving coal for bad behavior. Your NICO Score appears in your annual Naughty or Nice Report, which you can request for free from SantasBigBookOfKids@me.com. You should review all indiscretions for accuracy and let us know immediately if you see a tantrum you didn’t throw or a pigtail you didn’t yank. All legitimate disputes will be brought to binding arbitration before a retired Elf on the Shelf.
Additionally, take stock of your and your peers’ presents for signs of fraudulent activity. For instance, did it seem suspicious that your “big gift” was a set of sight word flashcards despite you being very cool about never telling anyone that Lucas M. peed his pants on the field trip to the arboretum? Or maybe your three-year-old cousin received a limited edition Labubu even though last month she bit your arm so hard it left teeth marks through your corduroy jacket. Report all these and similar incongruous giftings to NPMS. We can’t issue adjustments now that the big guy has flown, but we can utilize our cross-departmental collaboration with the Tooth Fairy to advocate for suitable molar remuneration.
What you shouldn’t do
To maintain your confidence in NPMS, please don’t discuss the contents of this letter with any kind of mean older siblings. Note that showing up to a police department will result only in hair tousling and lighthearted chuckles.
There is also no need to share these materials with the Goldstein twins next door; we can assure you their data was not affected.
What we are doing
We sincerely regret any inconvenience caused by this incident, and in acknowledgement of our missteps, are offering compensation in the form of you getting the top ask on your wish list next year, with the following caveats:
- Must be suitably in line with your household income
- Tangible items only (i.e., not the gift of your divorced parents getting back together—we cannot make that happen. They seem much happier now, anyway)
- It will arrive in wrapping paper you’ve definitely seen in the garage before.
And if you’re wondering if Santa is now being mandated to add two-factor authentication to his iPad—yes, Virginia, he is.
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night,
Chief Elf Officer, NPMS
Stupidity and the Progress of Human Civilization
Rx Inspector: ProPublica’s New Tool Provides Drug Info the FDA Won’t
With every bottle of prescription medication comes an implied promise: The drugs are safe and effective and meet strict standards set by the Food and Drug Administration.
But the agency known as one of the world’s toughest regulators provides only intermittent oversight of the foreign factories where generic drugs are made. And when investigators turn up mold, filthy equipment and contaminants in those facilities, the FDA keeps the names of the drugs they make secret.
Consumers often have no way of knowing if the medications they are taking came from factories that used dirty water, were infested by insects or birds, or were outright banned from shipping drugs to the U.S., but then granted special exemptions to do so anyway.
Today, ProPublica is launching Rx Inspector, a first-of-its-kind database that provides answers to what the FDA won’t tell us: where our generics are coming from and the track records of the factories that made them. The information is harder to find than you may think.
Labels on pill bottles often list a distributor or repackager rather than the actual manufacturer — and some have no information at all. When ProPublica asked our readers to send in photos of their pill bottles, they flooded our inbox with pictures proving just how difficult that information is to come by.
Even though generic drugs make up 90% of prescriptions dispensed in the U.S., the FDA only provides piecemeal information about them. It’s scattered across different websites with no easy way to link drugs to their manufacturers, factory locations and regulatory track records. Over many months, our journalists connected that data. In one case, ProPublica had to sue the FDA in federal court and received a partial list of factory locations.
You can use this app to connect your own medication to the manufacturer that made it, to the specific factory where it was made and to any FDA inspection reports and serious compliance violations linked to that facility that ProPublica has obtained.
For example, you can enter your drug name and any information on the label of your pill bottle about the company that may have made it. If you don’t have a company name, you can enter the color of your pills, or any markings on them, details that can lead you to information for your specific drug. From there, you can learn the name of the actual manufacturer (not the company that simply repackaged or distributed it). And you can also see the address for the factory that produced it.
If the factory has been inspected by the FDA, we’ll show you the inspection reports and any subsequent warning letters. We didn’t have access to every inspection report, so you may only see summary information that includes the dates of the inspections and any findings.
For pharmacists and others particularly knowledgeable about drugs, we’ve added an advanced search option so that you can enter key information, such as the National Drug Code, and quickly pull up manufacturing and regulatory details.
Finally, this app will allow you to learn more about individual drugmakers overall by providing a way to search for their factories. By entering a company name, you can see when those factories were last inspected and whether the FDA took any action in recent years.
Keep in mind that if you turn up a troubling inspection report, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your drug is compromised. Doctors and pharmacists advise that you not stop taking your medications. Instead, you should talk to your health care provider about any concerns.
ProPublica described the app and the methodology used to build it to the FDA, which did not comment. The agency previously told ProPublica that it doesn’t reveal where drugs are made on inspection reports to protect what it deemed confidential commercial information.
Our data is incomplete in places. The FDA, for example, hasn’t released all of its inspection reports. And though the agency provided ProPublica with a list of medications and the factories that made them, some locations were missing. We’ll add more details as they become available.
But this app provides the most detailed look yet at the makers of America’s generic drugs and whether they’ve met manufacturing standards meant to keep us safe.
The post Rx Inspector: ProPublica’s New Tool Provides Drug Info the FDA Won’t appeared first on ProPublica.
Creatures in Higher Dimensions
I take my time to build up the mathematical intuitions behind visualizing functions, starting with 1-in-1-out functions, and pushing it up to 7-in-7-out functions, and beyond.
Enter Hyperspace: https://evolvecode.io/hyperspace/index.html
Source Code: https://github.com/MaxRobinsonTheGreat/hyperdimensions
Discord: https://discord.gg/tnjmrmprQs
~SUPPORT ME~
Scrimba: https://scrimba.com/?via=EmergentGarden
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/emergentgarden
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/emergentgarden
Twitter: https://twitter.com/max_romana
Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/emergentgarden.bsky.social
~SOURCES~
Functions Describe the World: https://youtu.be/zHU1xH6Ogs4?t=61
Hyperspace animation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ga4IICXyCE
Shell Surfaces: https://www.geogebra.org/m/twfwsxb9
Music: https://www.youtube.com/@acolyte-compositions
Most come from this new album: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kx5DtYiJ2DI
AI Disclaimer:
I used AI code tools for the website and animations.
No AI video, images, script, voice, or music were used.
~TIMESTAMPS~
(0:00) Functions in Hyperspace
(2:47) Visualizing Functions
(5:37) Parametric Surfaces
(10:01) Slices of Slices
(14:55) More Parameters
(18:28) Exploring the Zoo
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Mad
Click here to go see the bonus panel!
Hovertext:
I push this joke out into the Internet knowing full well that SOMEONE has surely beat me to it.
Today's News:
ALTHo, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!
Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his foreskin!
You see, boys and girls, Santa might look merry while he smiles and eats cookies and milk in his big red suit, but beneath it all, I’m sad. I’m sad because my peppermint stick no longer has any of its special candy coating on the end that makes Santa feel extra good during sexual intercourse.
Many, many years ago, something terrible happened to your old friend Santa. Like so many beautiful babies, I was born with a gift between my legs that was wrapped in very sensitive paper called the frenulum. But soon after, some naughty doctors tore it off, exposed my glans, and hurt my penis very badly!
That terrible Christmas morning, Old St. Nick lost 70% of the feeling in his genitals. So for Santa, sex and masturbation haven’t been so holly or jolly!
Ho, ho, ho! That’s why I’m trying to manually stimulate regrowth by strapping a weighted ornament to the end of my Christmas tree for at least 15 minutes, three times a day!
Santa has made his list and checked it twice, and the arguments against male circumcision just keep on growing. These sick, twisted parents claim they mutilate their baby’s genitals for health—to prevent smegma and to protect against STIs. But we know the truth, boys and girls. There’s no AIDS or cancer on the North Pole!
Why do so many people consider the cut penis to be “nice” and the uncut penis to be “naughty”? If anything, it’s the other way around!
My dear sweet little sugar plums, there is no world in which a baby can consent to a painful medical procedure like circumcision. Santa wishes he could go back in time and give whatever sick fuck chopped off the tens of thousands of nerve endings in his foreskin a huge lump of coal.
But instead, Old Kris Kringle will spend the holiday season building a dual-tension tugging device in order to elongate his penile skin while it is both flaccid and erect. And gosh, if that doesn’t work, the elves will have to give his Yule log painful reconstructive surgery!
Beneath the Christmas lights, you can still see tiny marks where the doctor stitched up poor Santa’s surgical incisions all those years ago. The only Christmas “miracle” is that Santa can still manage to orgasm at all!
As hard as she tries, Mrs. Claus simply doesn’t understand. Underneath the mistletoe, she’s told Santa that she actually prefers the look of his circumcised penis. But when Old Mrs. Claus was born, she wasn’t taken from her crib and immediately forced to have her Christmas ham spiralized and honey-roasted!
No, she can still feel everything!
Just once I’d like to go down the chimney and feel every brick, every crack, and every groove. Why, Santa having sex without his foreskin is like Rudolph trying to lead Santa’s sleigh without his big red nose!
Believe me, boys and girls, there’s nothing that Santa hasn’t tried to regrow his Christmas tree. He’s tried manually pulling. He’s tried foreskin tape. Why, he’s even tried tying his penile skin to a special device called a Foreballs, which he then attached to the back of his sleigh!
On Dancer, on Prancer, on Donner, on Vixen—make Santa’s old penis be covered in thick skin!
So this year, instead of leaving out cookies, Santa would appreciate it if you instead took the time to educate yourself. Because sometimes the best gift isn’t a train set or roller skates or a dolly. It’s the freedom to un-mutilate your genitals with Santa’s Ultraskin ManHood Restorer, a gadget made right here in my workshop!
Ho, ho, ho-owwwwww! The weight is snagged on Santa’s pants. Hold on. Elves, stop loading up the sleigh and come and release the clamps.
Now, go boys and girls! Tell everyone what Santa taught you today! Because having an uncircumcised candy cane isn’t weird. But mutilating your son’s is.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
The post Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.
That’s her gift
Shelley and Esther don’t often get to share time on the page, so when it happens, I consider it a treat for you and a treat for me. But not, perhaps, a treat for Cilla.
Note ye: comics update Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week before a week-long holiday break.
The post That’s her gift appeared first on Bad Machinery.
Experts anticipate a bad flu season but say it’s not too late to get vaccinated
Cowboy Who?Circle Circle
Dot Dot
Go Get Your Coodies Shot!
Trudeau unsure how many autographed headshots Katy Perry will want for Christmas
OTTAWA – Finishing out the last of his holiday shopping, former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly asked aides how many autographed 8×10 photographs of himself to gift to his new girlfriend, Katy Perry. “Hmm… they are collectors items, but I also don’t want to be stingy since I have this whole stack of them […]
The post Trudeau unsure how many autographed headshots Katy Perry will want for Christmas appeared first on The Beaverton.
Well ... we've had an awful lot to think about ...
Well ... we've had an awful lot to think about today, and 'fraid the times up. So, until next time, think about it! #CowboyWho
Man accused of performing illegal plastic surgeries on woman in Houston
From the people that brought you EAT.
From the people that brought you EAT.
![[img]:eohcxe](https://analognowhere.com/_/eohcxe/eohcxe.png)
Is He the Grinch or Just a Gen-X Man at Christmas?
“Why, for fifty-three years, I’ve put up with it now! I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?” — Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
1. He’s roughly fifty-three years old, give or take.
2. Unlike the music from his day, he thinks everything the youth are listening to is just a bunch of noise, noise, noise, NOISE.
3. Anticommercialist. Every year, he makes the same cynical comments about Christmas.
4. He’s used to being culturally excluded, forgotten, and ignored. But he doesn’t care.
5. Deep contempt for groupthink and is suspicious of the motivations of people, corporations, and the government.
6. He was a latch-key kid and still thrives with lots of alone time.
7. Definitely got some sort of heart trouble. You can tell by looking at him.
8. He wears his apathy as armor because he’s emotionally ill-equipped to handle the earnest sentimentality that comes with the holiday season.
9. His awkward presence could be described as “lurking.”
10. Even if he’s happily married, he’s got that divorced-guy energy.
11. He’s shabbily attired and will be inappropriately underdressed at every holiday function.
12. He responds to holiday merriment and well-wishes with a sneer.
13. He’s known for being a slacker, but will surprise you with one area of extreme competency. Like maybe he’s really good at guitar, knows an unsettling amount about municipal zoning laws, or can build a last-minute sleigh out of whatever’s in the garage.
14. His dog is his only friend.
15. He’ll get through Christmas the same way he gets through anything: gallows humor.
16. Despite his scrawny arms, you’re going to let him carve the holiday roast. Because even though he’s a sloppy asshole, you love him and want him to feel important and useful.
17. He’s literally green.
18. He won’t shut up about the band Pavement.
1–17: This is the Grinch. If he seems sad, it’s because he hasn’t learned the true meaning of Christmas. Help him get through the holidays by allowing him to commit a B and E on your house, supporting him through his subsequent breakdown, and taking him to the hospital if his heart becomes enlarged.
1–16 + 18: This is a Gen-X man at Christmas. If he seems sad, it’s because he’s nostalgic for pre-digital life. Help him get through the holidays by supplying coffee, sensible sneakers, access to a dark, quiet room, and taking him to the hospital if his heart becomes enlarged.
It doesn’t say that! Lemme see that.
It doesn’t say that! Lemme see that.
Canadian economy rallies as #1 export now Heated Rivalry
OTTAWA – Canada’s economy, which has spent the year reeling due to American tariffs, is finishing the year strong thanks to the country’s new chief export, the gay hockey-romance drama Heated Rivalry. The series, which premiered on Canada’s Crave streaming service before becoming a global sensation on America’s HBO Max, has gone on to completely […]
The post Canadian economy rallies as #1 export now Heated Rivalry appeared first on The Beaverton.
