Amber

From Cameron Drake, a collection of animated GIFs of human x-rays, featuring the hand, elbow, shoulder, knee, and ankle. Imagine this, except in motion:

Here's how Drake made them. (via bb)

Tags: Cameron Drake   xrays

What hath Trader Joe's wrought?

Cookie butter ice cream...is a thing. I repeat: there exists at Trader Joe's a product which is both speculoos cookie butter...and ice cream.

Now I can die a happy man. A morbidly obese, yet happy man. It has a vanilla-esque base and it's full of speculoos cookie flavor. There are big globs of actual cookie butter throughout it. I couldn't figure out if it was the smooth variety or the crunchy. It strikes me as being somewhere in between the two, perhaps, but no...it's actually probably original. It's just firmer than usual because it's cold. Does it really matter? They make cookie butter ice cream. I repeat: the product in these pictures is real...and it's speculoos cookie butter flavored ice cream.

What's next in TJ's diabolical plan? Cookie and Cocoa Swirl Ice Cream? Slap the words "cookie butter" on a Trader Joe's product, and you pretty much have a big winner every time...with maybe one exception so far. I started shaking when I heard the news. Sonia and I started calling all the TJ's in our region to see who had it in stock. As I mentioned in my last post, Sonia and I just moved. And thanks to the customer service wizards at Comcast, we were without internet for a few days. A big thanks to Russ for holding down the fort during our transition. We're still buried beneath boxes and swamped with address changes, phone calls to realtors, and new utility accounts, but the magic of the interwebs floweth once more to bring you good tidings of great cookie butter.

This ice cream is on par with the discontinued classic Lemon Triple Gingersnap Ice Cream—and maybe even exceeds it in some ways. It's a legend, in every way fit for the halls of the Pantheon. It really actually honestly seriously tastes just like the original cookie butter, and it blends perfectly with the sweet ice cream surrounding it. Sonia says it could use just a bit more in that gingersnappy, cinnamony department. And I agree, it does err on the side of sweet, rather than spicy, but I think it works. I think the flavor is perfect. If a madman held a gun to my head and forced me to make a complaint about this product, I'd simply ask for larger globs of cookie butter in the mix. But until that hypothetical lunatic starts waving his Glock in my direction, I'm sticking with my story that this is a near-perfect product that just needed to be here on Earth right now...even in light of its $5 price tag. From the bottom of my heart, Trader Joe, thank you for making Cookie Butter Ice Cream. I give it a perfect 5. Sonia gives it four and a half.

Bottom line: 9.5 out of 10.

theparisreview:

“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.” —Anne Fadiman, born today in 1953

A wonderful interview with Werner Herzog on soccer, his wonderful fatherless upbringing, the nature of reality, and, of course, Mel Brooks.

I told Mel, "Mel, you know what, I have seen an extraordinary film. Something you must see. You must see. It's only at midnight screenings at the Nuart Theater. And it's a film by -- I don't know his name, I think it's Lynch. And he made a film Eraserhead and you must see the film." And Mel keeps grinning and grinning and lets me talk about the movie and he says, "Yes, his name is really David Lynch, do you like to meet him?" I said, "In principle, yes." He says, "Come with me," and two doors down the corridor is David Lynch in pre-production on The Elephant Man! Which Mel Brooks produced! And the bastard sits there and lets me talk and talk and talk and grins and chuckles. And I had no idea [and kept thinking], Why does he chuckle all the time when I talk about the film? But that was how I love Mel Brooks.

Tags: interviews   Werner Herzog

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

• it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

• you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

• AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

• my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
• my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
• my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
• me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

• WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

• DON’T
• EXPOSE
• MY KID
• TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

• I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
• IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

• are you fucking kidding
• i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

• my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
• my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
• my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

• are you fucking kidding
• this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

On this day 45 years ago, Steven Paul Smith AKA Elliott Smith was born. While he died in October 2003, his music and legacy will continue to live on as one of the most influential singer-songwriters of the late 90s. If fact, you can hear a lot of his influence in music today from The Decemberists, Conor Oberst, and Iron & Wine. While there are many great Elliott Smith songs out there, here are six that everyone should know.

1. “Miss Misery”

“Miss Misery” is probably Elliott Smith’s most well known song. Smith explicitly wrote it for Gus Van Sant and Good Will Hunting in 1997. He was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Song the following year, but lost out to James Horner and Will Jennings for “My Heart Will Go On” for Titanic. In fact, everyone lost to Titanic that year.

Over the years, Elliott Smith grew to resent the song and hardly played it live, despite fan requests. It’s a shame, it’s one my all-time favorites!

2. “Between the Bars”

The song “Between the Bars” from Elliott Smith’s third studio album Either/Or also appeared in Good Will Hunting, but as an orchestral instrumental. Smith worked with the film’s composer Danny Elfman to properly arrange “Between the Bars” into a film score. It’s also one of the most popular Elliott Smith songs that other recording artists cover, including Metric, The Civil Wars, and sadly, Madonna, who completely butchered and misunderstood Smith’s beautiful song.

3. “Waltz #2 (XO)”

“Waltz #2 (XO)” was Elliott Smith’s first single released from his first major label (DreamWorks Records) album as a solo artist. It’s a very clever song and shows Smith’s songwriting diversity. The song was actually written as a waltz in a 3/4 time signature. The song is about Smith’s youth growing up with an abusive step-father and his ability to leave and move on from his pain with the lyrics, “I’m so glad that my memory’s remote / ’Cause I’m doing just fine hour to hour, note to note.”

Filed under: Music, Upcoming Tagged: elliott smith, music everyone should know

From James Marsh, the director of the excellent Man on Wire, a biopic of physicist Stephen Hawking and his first wife, Jane. Here's the first trailer:

The film is based on a book by Jane Hawking, Travelling to Infinity: My Life with Stephen.

In this compelling memoir, his first wife, Jane Hawking, relates the inside story of their extraordinary marriage. As Stephen's academic renown soared, his body was collapsing under the assaults of motor neurone disease. Jane's candid account of trying to balance his 24-hour care with the needs of their growing family reveals the inner-strength of the author, while the self-evident character and achievements of her husband make for an incredible tale presented with unflinching honesty.

As promising as this looks, the Kanye in me needs to remind you that Errol Morris' A Brief History of Time is the best film about Stephen Hawking of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Tags: James Marsh   Jane Hawking   movies   Stephen Hawking   The Theory of Everything   trailers   video

The top watchdog for the National Archives is retiring after a costly two-year investigation of allegations of misconduct found that he made insensitive comments about women and racial minorities. Paul Brachfeld said he will retire Aug. 9 after a 35-year federal career. Until recently, he had fought a series of allegations made by an agent […]

Over the past century, adult per capita cigarette consumption in the US rose from nearly nothing in 1900 to a peak of more than 4000 cigarettes per year in the early 60s and then fell to the current rate of around 1000/yr. Currently, smoking in the US correlates highly with level of education and poverty.

Smoking, as it happens, also appears to be highly correlated with both poverty and education levels in the United States: 27.9 percent of American adults living below the poverty line are smokers, while just 17 percent of those living above it are, according to the CDC; 24.7 percent of American adults without a high school diploma are smokers, while 23.1 percent of those with one are. Only 9.1 percent of those with an undergraduate degree, and 5.9 percent of those with a graduate degree are smokers.

According to Wikipedia, the US is 51st among nations in annual smoking rates. Eastern Europe and Russia hold all the top spots, but their per capita rates (~2800/yr) are all lower than the rate in the US in the 60s. But that's nothing compared to Scotland...their rate was once 7000 cigarettes per year. (via @dens)

Tags: smoking   USA

According to data collected by a European satellite array, the Earth's magnetic field is shifting and weakening at a greater pace than previously thought. One of the reasons for the shift might be that the magnetic North and South poles are swapping positions.

Scientists already know that magnetic north shifts. Once every few hundred thousand years the magnetic poles flip so that a compass would point south instead of north. While changes in magnetic field strength are part of this normal flipping cycle, data from Swarm have shown the field is starting to weaken faster than in the past. Previously, researchers estimated the field was weakening about 5 percent per century, but the new data revealed the field is actually weakening at 5 percent per decade, or 10 times faster than thought. As such, rather than the full flip occurring in about 2,000 years, as was predicted, the new data suggest it could happen sooner.

You can read up on geomagnetic reversals on Wikipedia. A short sampling:

These periods [of polarity] are called chrons. The time spans of chrons are randomly distributed with most being between 0.1 and 1 million years with an average of 450,000 years. Most reversals are estimated to take between 1,000 and 10,000 years. The latest one, the Brunhes-Matuyama reversal, occurred 780,000 years ago. A brief complete reversal, known as the Laschamp event, occurred only 41,000 years ago during the last glacial period. That reversal lasted only about 440 years with the actual change of polarity lasting around 250 years. During this change the strength of the magnetic field dropped to 5% of its present strength.

Tags: Earth   physics   science

FXX picked up the “exclusive cable and VOD rights” to The Simpsons for $750 million back in November. In April, the network announced it would be marathoning all 522 episodes in order over 12 days this August to kick off the festivities. We thought that was the big deal. That was not the big deal. This is the big deal: The website they’re setting up to accompany it, “Simpsons World,” is going to kill us all. From the press release:

“Simpsons World” will offer a unique and personalized Simpsons experience for both casual and super fans by allowing users to interact with premium content in unprecedented ways. For the first time ever, all authenticated viewers will have instant and on-demand access to every single Simpsons episode ever, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via SimpsonsWorld.com, and FXNOW apps for iPhone, iPad, Xbox One, Xbox 360, Android phones and tablets, Smart TVs, and additional set-tops devices.

Additional exclusive offerings include new ways to explore Springfield’s characters and locations, the ability for users to curate their own personalized playlists and share their favorite show clips and quotes.

Okay, fine. But that was written by a PR flack at FXX. Of course it sounds promising. What say you, jaded and cynical television critics who got a first glimpse of it at the TCAs a few minutes ago?

Simpsons World launches in October. Get your affairs in order. You will never get anything done ever again.

Filed under: TV, Web Culture Tagged: FXX, simpsons world, THE SIMPSONS

SEX. Now that I have your attention…It’s hard to go 24 hours without referencing The Simpsons at least once, even if you don’t realize you don’t realize you’re doing it. And it’s going to be damn near impossible once FXX’s Simpsons marathon begins and your life ends. “So I says to Mabel I says I can’t meet you, ‘Homer’s Barbershop Quartet’ is on in an hour.” To prepare for the upcoming quote-pocalypse, let’s look at some of the most referenced Simpsons quotes in everyday conversations. These are 20 I use all the time (I could have picked about 700 more, and I’m already furious at myself for not including “probably misses his old glasses”) — feel free to share your favorites, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

1. “I don’t know why; it’s a perfectly cromulent word.”

Everyday use: “Calling LeBron the best basketball player alive is a perfectly cromulent argument.”

2. “Just hook it to my veins!”

Everyday use: “I love Sriracha so much, can you just hook it to my veins?”

3. “I was saying ‘Boo-urns.'”

Everyday use: “All my idiot coworkers think Transformers 4 is a great movie, but when I told them I thought it was a piece of crap, it’s like I was saying boo-urns.”

4. “And here come the pretzels.”

Everyday use: “This riot is getting out of…and here come the pretzels.”

5. “Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.”

Everyday use: “You also think President Obamacare is a lizard-person? Your ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.”

6. “Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”

Everyday use: *looks at picture of Miley Cyrus* “Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”

7. “Like, y’know, whatever.”

Everyday use: for when you don’t want to show enthusiasm, because enthusiasm smacks of effort, man.

8. “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

Everyday use: just say it at any wedding, party, ice cream social, public gathering, etc.

9. “You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!”

Everyday use: the perfect non sequitur to leave a room.

10. “Stupid sexy Flanders.”

Everyday use: “Did you see True Blood? Jason had a Stupid Sexy Flanders moment with Eric.”

Filed under: TV Tagged: EVERYTHING'S COMING UP MILHOUSE, GRATUITOUS SIMPSONS REFERENCES, THE SIMPSONS

Nothing to see here, guys.

Really, you wouldn’t like this. Who’d want to drink a half-frozen blend of strong tea, lemonade, orange juice and bourbon garnished with fresh mint on a sticky, hot summer day? It might give you a little brain freeze. It would probably feel like liquid air conditioning. It could improve your outlook to the point that you might forget to dread the next heat wave. Nothing good could come of this.

Trust me, I know from experience. My friends brought bags of this slush up to their roof last month and I had but a few crunchy sips before I turned to my husband and said, “I think I’m starting to like summer in the city.” He said, “Whoa. Slow down there!” And we both agreed that this was a very dangerous drink to have on hand and that we should only finish our glass and at most one more to be safe.

... Read the rest of bourbon slush punch on smittenkitchen.com

---

© smitten kitchen 2006-2012. | permalink to bourbon slush punch | 79 comments to date | see more: Drinks, Lemon, Orange, Photo, Summer

by Ester Bloom

When most people wrestle with the perennial question, “Should I go to grad school?” they consider many variables: cost, distance, future job prospects, loss of salary, potential long-term salary gain, how good their names would look with initials after them, how proud their parents would be, whether their parents would even notice, and so on. But how many folks stop and think, “What if I start and never finish?”

Starting a PhD and ending up “ABD” — or, “All But Dissertation” — is vastly more common than you might think.

Today, the Ph.D. Completion Project estimates that the ten-year completion rate (that is, someone’s status a decade after they begin) is 55–64 percent in STEM, 56 percent in the social sciences, and 49 percent in the humanities. … Some advisers are helpful and supportive. But many run the gamut between absentee, excoriating, and micromanagerial. There are the advisers who retire, leave, or even die. Then there’s the total lack of preparedness for such an extensive and rigorous project: A seminar paper is a 5K fun run; a dissertation is an ultramarathon. And in the social sciences and STEM fields, there are data sets or experiments that simply fall apart.

That means about half of people who pursue a doctorate in any field give up before they get the sheepskin, but after they have endured years of privation and toil. The Slate article has advice for people who find themselves in that position, as well as advice for others in higher ed, but mostly it’s a good Monday morning eye-opener. Those of who did manage to finish your ultramarathons PhDs, congrats! Feel extra-special-good about yourselves today.

6 Comments

Stephen Colbert answered questions as part of the Ask a Grown Man series, and what’s terrific about it is how seriously and thoughtful he is taking the questions. Basically, the real Stephen Colbert is as thoughtful and kind as “Stephen Colbert” the character is funny, and it’s easy to see from Colbert’s answers that he’s a terrific father.

The questions range from “why do boys make rape jokes” to “how do I convince my father to let me spend the night with my boyfriend,” and Colbert is careful not to give the popular answers, but the thoughtful, “Dad” answers, which is to say, the CORRECT answers.

Dad Stephen Colbert is a lot dorkier and, ironically, a lot cooler than The Colbert Report Stephen Colbert. He’s a really good guy, and a role model not just to beginning comedians and satirists, but to other parents.

Source: Vimeo

Filed under: TV, Web Culture Tagged: Advice, ASK A GROWN MAN, dads, STEPHEN COLBERT

Way back in 2010, we had dinner with our friends Juliet and Mark. (Clay and Juliet used to work together at National Geographic.) The two of us were about to leave for a two-week trip to Argentina, and we made some off-hand comment about needing book recommendations for our vacation.

Juliet leapt up, grabbed a book and virtually threw it at us. You have to read this! she said. It hasn't even been published in the United States yet; this is the Indian version. The book was The Hundred-Foot Journey, by Richard Morais.

Juliet told us she'd first seen the book while visiting a book-agent friend of hers. And she also told us something that night a little more surprising: We bought the rights to the book and I want to produce the movie.

Flash forward, and that's exactly what Juliet did. She partnered with a couple other producers -- you may know them. Steven Spielberg?  And Oprah Winfrey?  And together, they made a film!

Earlier this week, we got to see The Hundred-Foot Journey at an advance screening here in D.C.

We have two pieces of advice for you.

1. Go see this movie when it opens Aug. 8!
   
   
2. Don't go on an empty stomach. 

 

We really loved this movie! It's lovely and incredibly charming. And it will make you want to book a trip to France immédiatement.

The film follows Hassan, a young cook from India, and his family as they open a restaurant in the South of France -- across the street from a renowned French restaurant helmed by Madame Mallory, played by Helen Mirren. The movie focuses intently on the actual food -- long, loving shots of Indian curries, gorgeous produce, and exquisite French cuisine. 

It's directed by Lasse Halström, who also directed Chocolat in 2000. So, you know, if you like movies about food set in France, he's your guy. 

Some things we learned from the QA following last night's screening:

-- All the food you see in The Hundred-Foot Journey is real food. The food was from real chefs (including famed Indian chef Floyd Cardoz, who is based in New York).

-- Much of the movie was shot in and around Saint-Antonin-Noble-Val, a village in the South of France that will make you want to run from the theater, grab your passport and head to the airport, because it's so gorgeous. Several scenes take place in the Sunday farmers market in the heart of the village, using the actual vendors and farmers.

The movie opens next Friday, August 8. You should see it!  

But be forewarned: You will be starving by the time it's over.

 

(In case it needs to be said for anyone: This isn't a sponsored post. We just wanted to tell you about an enjoyable film that one of our friends helped produce. We're not getting any money from this. But we wouldn't turn down a trip to the South of France, if Spielberg and Oprah want to pony up.)

The Quest (ABC, 8 p.m.) — Series premiere. Oh boy, TV finally gets it first reality show about LARPers who must defend a fictional kingdom. ABOUT TIME.

Rectify (Sundance, 9 p.m.) — “Daniel seeks answers.” About what? Who shot Mr. Burns, probably.

The Honorable Woman (Sundance, 10 p.m.) — Series premiere. I’ve heard very good things about this BBC import. Here’s the official synopsis: “As children, Nessa Stein (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and her brother Ephra (Andrew Buchan) witnessed the assassination of their father, a well-known Israeli arms manufacturer. Now in her thirties, Nessa has taken control of the company and refocused its purpose on connecting Palestine and Israel to promote peace. Her efforts have resulted in an appointment from the House of Lords. Everything comes to a head when a secret from her past threatens to be exposed and those closest to her are potentially her most dangerous enemies.” Definitely worth checking out.

Maron (IFC, 10 p.m.) — Season finale. Has anyone kept up?

Married (FX, 10 p.m.) — Judy Greer and Jenny Slate getting drunk > most things in life.

You’re the Worst (FX, 10:30 p.m.) — I have a mighty big crush on Aya Cash. That is all.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Somerville, and David Gray on Letterman; Julia Roberts on Fallon; Kerry Washington and Tom Petty on Kimmel; Jesse Tyler Ferguson on Ferguson; Ethan Hawke and Megyn Kelly on Meyers; Aubrey Plaza on Stewart; and Campbell Brown on Colbert.

Filed under: TV Tagged: MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, THE HONORABLE WOMAN, WHAT'S ON TONIGHT

by Meaghan O and Dustin Kurtz

There is something about reproducing that makes you an expert in buying shit you never cared or thought about before. Our child is eight weeks old and we are no exception.

 

 

Ikea activity gym

Actual price: $29.99

Dustin:Is this the thing that dangles the toys above his head? This thing is great. Good price. There are so many of these out there for like 100 dollars or more. But it turns out 30 bucks (and probably the welfare of Siberian forests where this wood was poached) is what I’m willing to pay for baby brain development. Not a cent more, ganglia, so stop asking!

Meaghan: He thinks these things are typically $100 because I almost bought a $100 foldable stick off of Etsy — you think I’m kidding?

I would pay maybe even double $30 to have this aesthetically pleasing thing that our child will scream at all by himself for at least two minutes while we wolf down cereal.

 

 

NoseFrida nasal aspirator

Actual price: $15.19

Dustin: This is like asking what I’d pay Prometheus for the gift of fire. “Hey Dustin, what would you give me for the written word over here?” How do you quantify something at the very core of what you are as a species? Is any price too great?

And don’t forget, it comes with extra sponges to catch some (not all, I repeat, NOT ALL) of the snot before it hits your mouth, so okay, 15 bucks.

Meaghan: No price too high for discovering my new-found passion for extracting boogers from our son’s nose. AND THEY SAY MOTHERHOOD CRUSHES YOUR DREAMS??! Seriously, this is literally a cylinder with a tube attached and the force of your own inhalations sucks snot and booger from another person’s nose (or your own!). Everyone should experience it once.

I would pay upwards of $60 for this on the black market.

 

 

Babyletto “Skip” Dresser / changing table

Actual price: $389.99

Dustin: That price seems expensive, considering I had to put it together myself in our living room. But the real value of this thing is that it lofts our kid up to about chest height, so that he can more readily pee on our faces. I imagine getting someone to pee on your face while you rub coconut oil on their sphincter might be pretty expensive on the open market, so maybe this is a steal?

Meaghan: After sobbing in Ikea because our child wouldn’t have a proper nursery with his name spelled out with pillow letters or whatever, I went home and spent way too much money on this dresser. Half the price would have been palatable, but this is admittedly ridiculous.

Our own dresser was $20 from a stoop sale. Maybe it all balances out?

 

 

Beco Gemini baby carrier

Actual price: $129

Dustin: I’m satisfied with the price of this, and not just because it was a gift to us (thanks Piper!) I’ve paid more than this for a bag before, and those bags weren’t meant to carry the fruit of my loins. We’ve talked about how the parenting world is just a mirror image of an REI store, full of overpriced absurdly specialized and aesthetically baffling gear. Parents, like people about to climb a fucking mountain for 20 years, know they need Functional Things. They’re an easy market. So, although we have 300 tote bags, we bought a diaper bag, because we planned to carry diapers. It’s like buying different sleeping bags for different seasons. By the standards of that world this thing is not too expensive, it makes a lot of sense, and it hasn’t killed the kid yet, so again, okay, good price.

Meaghan: I fucking hate that it takes two hands to unbuckle it, but I also hate that most things in life require two hands and when you’re holding a baby you basically can’t participate in the world. $129 for being able to put a napkin over your kid’s head and eat your dinner? All on board. Though I think we both know that the true price of this thing is having to check if he’s breathing every 30 seconds.

 

 

Oxo wipes dispenser

Actual price: $19.99

Dustin: I mocked this when you wanted to get it, Meaghan. I play at being the dissident from mall culture. I hate seeing the Target boxes show up at our door. They embarrass me in front of, who, our neighbors, the neighbors I hate? It’s shitty of me. And so let me apologize. This twenty dollar plastic box in which to keep the wipes for our kid’s smeary butthole is, in fact great. A+ purchase. Worth the price. I’m sorry and I love you and I love this stupid thing.

Meaghan: Ester told me her wipe warmer was her best indulgent baby purchase she ever made, but I knew there was no way in hell you would stand for bringing a wipe warmer into our home. I asked if you would object to having a plain old DISPENSER, and yes, you bristled. “THE WIPES COME IN DISPENSERS!” says the man who spends minutes cursing and shaking the bag of wipes in the air trying to pull one out with one hand. We have to change approximately 15 diapers a day. I bought it despite your protests and I knew you would eat your words. VICTORY IS MINE.

 

 

Soothie Pacifiers (2-pack)
Actual price: $3.39

Dustin: I would fight wolves to keep these. Just me and Liam Neeson in an arctic gloaming, punching wolf after wolf to make sure my son can suck on a silicon nipple shape during his worst moments. If I had one of these in my hand and a wolf bit down on that hand, I know, as clearly as I’ve ever known anything, that I would not let go of that pacifier. I’d just start punching the other wolves with that first wolf, a sort of live wolf boxing glove. Liam Neeson would give me a late career leading man grizzled sort of nod and we’d brace our backs against each other and keep on wolf punching.

Meaghan: The La Leche League and its concomitant do not advocate the use of pacifiers under six weeks or whatever because of NIPPLE CONFUSION but I’ll tell you what, this baby could use some nipple confusion in his life. I think before we brought him home I had some notion of not giving him a pacifier but HA HA HA. Nope. He can barely keep these damn Soothies in his mouth and for the first month or so our life consisted of picking a pacifier back up and putting it in his mouth again, every two minutes forever, but also my nipples stopped bleeding so…YOU WIN SOME YOU LOSE SOME.

 

 

Chicco Keyfit Carseat

Actual price: $189.99

Dustin: This is one of those ‘what would you pay to ransom your child’s very life?’ products. Maybe they could manufacture them for like seven bucks, but would you want to pay that? No, this thing is important life saving equipment, hidden under an inch of warning labels on all sides. As it turns out, I haven’t spent a lot of time testing the crash physics of car seats, so the only guide I have for what’s safest is price. When I buy bike helmets for myself I just get the cheapest styrofoam nerd crown I can find, basically a cooler turned upside down on my head, but for for my son’s safety equipment I’d like to get the Very Best. Or, more practically, Not the Worst. So, sure, I guess this seems right.

Meaghan: I am still bitter about this because the day after this was delivered and we threw away the box, two different people asked me if we wanted their infant car seat. I’d bought it around 25 weeks because I figured if the baby came early the one thing we’d absolutely need is a car seat to get home. Then at the hospital the nurse was like, “What? This is New York City, of course we don’t require you to have a car seat to leave the hospital! You don’t even have to have a car seat in taxi cabs!” UGGGGGH. Though cut to me taking the subway home after giving birth, cradling a newborn just to save a buck? No.

 

 

Pacifier clip, handmade from ridiculously overpriced neighborhood baby store

Actual price: $15

Dustin: I can’t believe this was 15 dollars. That seems like a lot if you consider that it’s exactly one sixteenth of a suspender. But consider that pacifiers are Wolf Punch Precious. Consider, too, that this thing keeps me from having to convince myself that somehow the powerful alchemy of Wiping Things Off on My T Shirt is enough to make a Brooklyn-street-dropped pacifier safe to suck on. How much am I willing to pay to avoid that uncomfortable act of self-delusion? 15 bucks sounds about right.

Meaghan: I was very embarrassed to pay what is probably my hourly wage for this, but it’s black and white striped and has no pastel ducks or cars or monkeys on it. Also another purchase you thought was insane and now could not live without, so every time I look at it I feel smug and superior and well-prepared to handle the challenges of life, which begin and end with a baby spitting out his pacifier while he’s crying. So yes, $15.

 

Meaghan is your trusty associate editor. Dustin changes 90% of the diapers.

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Former Westboro Baptist Church (or, “church”) member Zach Phelps-Roper, grandson to the late Fred Phelps, answered questions in a Reddit AMA yesterday. Phelps-Roper no longer associates with the organization, which he left earlier this year, but still considers himself a church-going man of faith. It’s a rare glimpse into the thinly-veiled hate group, which Phelps-Roper almost right off the bat states that their objective is not to instigate people to the point of violence. That’s something that never actually occurred to me before, and crazy timing given last night’s horrifying episode of The Leftovers. (Of course, Dustin has more on that holy sh*t moment.) It’s kind of amazing no one has yet to take out a WBC member in a spectacularly violent fashion.

Anyway, here’s some of the more interesting things we learned, starting with the WBC’s hatred of Lady Gaga (among others):

What is the most ridiculous thing they asked/made you do in the name of God?

I feel like the most ridiculous thing I was ever required to do in the name of God was pray for others to die…. Since leaving Westboro Baptist Church, I have discovered that I have no malice in my heart… I want everyone to be happy.

Pray for whom to die? That’s just wrong.

When I was at Westboro, I did pray for these people to die: President Barack Obama; Lady Gaga; Albert Synder (of Synder V. Phelps, the Supreme Court Case); George W. Bush; and many, many other people.

Let me just say this though: I no longer pray for harm to come on ANYONE under any circumstances. I have left behind my former religious convictions.

Oh c’mon…Lady Gaga? What’d she ever do?

There is a music video that answers this question.

Here’s the video, if you can handle the crazy (I couldn’t).

On what should you do if you ever encounter members, which is easier said than done:

How do you feel would be the best way to deal with religious hate groups like the Westboro Baptist Church when they visit your community and attempt to spread their hate?

I thought you would never ask!

I think that we need to approach them with forgiveness and love… otherwise, they will always think that the world universally hates them, and they will NEVER go away with their hateful message. I’m just sayin’… let’s make ‘em challenge their beliefs a little bit and “kill ‘em with kindness” ;-)

Apparently they really do think they’re “helping” when they picket funerals of soldiers:

When you picketed funerals of dead soldiers, have you ever felt some sort of remorse or sympathy? While at the church has it ever dawned on you that what you did was purely hateful?

At the time of the funerals, I did not feel remorseful of the picketing… I honestly did not become sympathetic to the plight of others who have lost someone until I lost my grandfather.

When I was at the church, I always thought I was doing the kindest thing in the world: warning people lest they should die and go to Hell for sinning willfully against God. I was taught to believe, that was the kindest thing I could ever do for anyone.

Same goes with the funerals of children:

What did it feel like to protest the funerals of the little kids that were killed in a school bus accident?

I don’t know if I ever did protest the funerals of anyone in a school bus accident, but if I did at the time, I would have felt that I was doing the right thing. When I was at Westboro, I viewed every tragedy as at the hands of an ANGRY God who HATED most of mankind, and I was scared, in all honesty, when I stood on the streets. My world view was that everyone hated me.

Since leaving the church, he’s now cool with the gays:

What are your views towards gay rights now?

I fully and with great pride and thankfulness support the rights of all people, whether gay, lesbian, transgender, etc… They are all humans to me, and they all deserve protection under the law. Who am I to stop love or say, “You can’t get married?”

And why do they focus so much energy on homosexuality in the first place?

Do they understand that homosexuality doesn’t harm people in the way that theft, murder, etc do?

They believe that acceptance of the sin is the bottom rung on the depravity chain and will result in the destruction of America, and by extent, the world. As God destroyed Sodom.

So do they believe that no other civilization has angered God enough to do that since Sodom? Or do they attribute other disasters to this?

In a nutshell, they blame every calamity, tragedy, or disaster on America’s sin, which is primarily homosexuality. There is also a verse in Proverbs that says God laughs at calamities.

So, they’ve got one leg up on PETA, anyway?

Have any of the “higher-ups” in the church explicitly confided in you that their protests are done for publicity? If not, do you think this to be the root of the protests?

No one at Westboro Baptist Church has ever told me that they did their preaching for publicity or for money… It is strictly their religious convictions that drive them to preach their message… They believe that if they don’t preach the words that they are preaching, then they will BURN IN HELL when they die for all of eternity… They act out of fear for themselves and their children, and they will ex-communicate anyone, ever their own wife or children, to save their souls.

Holy sh*t, they’re actually banned from entering the United Kingdom:

So many questions man. I’m a British guy, and I think you’re banned from my country? Is that still the case even though you’ve left?

Yes, all members of the Westboro Baptist Church are banned from entering the United Kingdom. I’ve never tried to enter England, but my sister went to Canada, and we are banned from going there, too. She was initially denied access, but then explained that she left. I don’t know how the process went, but she was eventually allowed in Canada. I imagine it’d be the same there, but again, I’ve never tried.

The WBC is anti-funeral, among other things:

Why did the westboro baptist church ask people to respect Fred Phelps funeral, when they would picket at other people’s funerals?

That never happened. That was a media lie.

The WBC doesn’t do funerals; they view them as “worshiping the dead”.

Finally, it seems ol’ Fred really did come around on the whole gay thing right before he passed away:

Is it true Freddy had a change of heart before he died?

Absolutely. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/23/fred-phelps-equality_n_5378433.html This is an article on the subject =D

Filed under: Upcoming, Web Culture Tagged: fred phelps, REDDIT AMAs, WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH, Zach Phelps-Roper

Washington, DC is commonly considered the second largest Ethiopian city in the world, second only to Addis Ababa. Those immigrants have built America's foremost destination for Ethiopian cooking. Here's where you should go. Read More

About a year and a half ago, Dustin mentioned a Jim Gaffigan pilot for CBS a couple of times, but after that it was pretty much radio silence. Obviously, CBS chose not to run with the pilot and as much as anyone knew, it was dead in the water. But now, strangely enough, the network known best for Hot in Cleveland and Golden Girls reruns has stepped up to the plate and ordered ten episodes of what is being now being called The Gaffigan Show, described as targeting “Gen Xers who are raising families.”

Even more strangely, Comedy Central — another network that falls under the Viacom umbrella — is going to be re-airing the episodes within one week of when they premiere on TV Land. The idea here is of course to leverage Gaffigan’s popularity on Comedy Central, but if Dustin’s former predictions about the series — which he said “sounds kind of dumb, but also perfect for CBS” — are true, then I don’t know how great that’s going to work out for them.

Here’s the plot summary, from Deadline:

Inspired by Gaffigan’s real life, The Gaffigan Show explores one man’s (Gaffigan) struggle in New York City to find a balance between fatherhood, stand-up comedy and an insatiable appetite. In addition to Gaffigan, returning are original cast members Ashley Williams who plays Jim’s wife, as well Adam Goldberg and Michael Ian Black as Jim’s best friend and his wife’s meddling confidante, respectively. The 2014 CBS pilot, directed by Seth Gordon, will air as the first episode.

Mira Sorvino was originally supposed to be playing Gaffigan’s wife in the pilot, so I don’t know if that means if the original CBS pilot is going to disjointedly star her, or if Ashley Williams (How I Met Your Mother) stepped in before shooting. Not that it makes much difference to me, although I will probably check it out at least once for Michael Ian Black playing a “wife’s meddling confidante” because that only sounds like the most Michael Ian Black thing ever.

(Deadline via Splitsider)

Filed under: TV, Upcoming Tagged: CBS, COMEDY CENTRAL, jim gaffigan, The Gaffigan Show, TV LAND

We’ve already seen so many viral PSAs and teasers from Justin Simien’s ‘Dear White People,’ which opens October 17th, that it’s hard to believe this is the first full-length trailer. But it’s true! This is it! It still remains to be seen how this film is going to solve racism without a nice, straight-talking white lady.

Between the title and the direct address at the beginning of the trailer, I’m sure lots of folks (mostly the white people) will feel like they’re being subjected to some sort of extended harangue about race. But as the trailer continues, it starts to feel like more of a conversation than a lecture. Sort of like how Rust Cohle in True Detective started out sounding like the voice of the narrator but evolved to where the nihilism was just his particular character trait? Yeah, maybe I’m overthinking this. Anyway, I’m hoping this will offer another voice of racial satire out there besides Spike Lee, who let’s be honest is kind of a jackass.

DEAR WHITE PEOPLE follows the stories of four black students at an Ivy League college where a riot breaks out over a popular “African American” themed party thrown by white students. With tongue planted firmly in cheek, the film will explore racial identity in “post-racial” America while weaving a universal story of forging one’s unique path in the world.

At this point I think most white people know enough not to ask to touch black people’s hair. Or ask them about their weave. However, we curly-haired anglos could really use similar campaign of public education. Like, dear straight-haired people, don’t ask if it’s a vitamin deficiency. Don’t compare us to Ronald McDonald, or ask us questions like “have you ever tried shaving it off to see if it grows back normal?” or “how come you gots poodle hair, fag?”

Suggesting for a friend.

Filed under: Film Drunk Tagged: DEAR WHITE PEOPLE, DENNIS HAYSBERT, JUSTIN SIMIEN, RACIAL SATIRE, TESSA THOMPSON, TRAILERS, TYLER JAMES WILLIAMS

FXX’s epic and historic marathon for The Simpsons will begin on August 21, and fans of the iconic animated series will be able to watch all 552 episodes of the show’s 25 seasons like they’ve never watched them before. The marathon, which is the longest of its kind in TV history, will also feature The Simpsons Movie after the show’s 400th episode, just as it was released in theaters back in 2007. Granted, nobody on Earth has the ability to watch this two-week marathon as it happens, because, very simply put, anyone who tries to stay awake for a few days will die. It has happened during several World Cup and other soccer tournaments and it will happen with The Simpsons, too, so DO NOT try it.

Naturally, I expect for a few dozen bloggers to attempt it, some possibly even lying and claiming they did it, but the one thing we can count on is global productivity slowing to a pace that can be rivaled only by Patty and Selma at the DMV. FXX is banking on that, as the network proved in this new and entirely accurate commercial for just how detrimental to society this marathon might be. God speed, fellow Stonecutters.

Filed under: TV, Upcoming Tagged: COMMERCIALS, FXX, MARATHONS, THE SIMPSONS, the simpsons marathon, the simpsons movie

The Imitation Game is a historical drama about Alan Turing, focusing on his efforts in breaking the Enigma code during WWII. Benedict Cumberbatch plays Alan Turing. Here's a trailer:

Tags: Alan Turing   Benedict Cumberbatch   Enigma   movies   The Imitation Game   trailers   video   World War II

At The Bold Italic, an anonymous San Franciscan rails against the practice of going out to dinner with a group of friends for your birthday.

Look, I don't think I'm a cheap ass, but I typically spend under $100 on a birthday gift for my own mother. And this is San Francisco; your friends are going to range from hella rich to hella poor, and the whole premise of these group dinners makes things uncomfortable for everyone. It's not that I think birthdays need to be extravagant exercises in theme and creativity; I'm just saying there are lots of things you could do on your birthday, and a huge dinner is one of the worst. For less money and less hassle, everyone could pitch in and rent a suite at a fancy hotel with a pool. Do that. Do anything else.

(via @arainert)

by Mike Dang

Caity Weaver recently went to a TGI Friday’s when it opened and sat there until it closed, eating all-you-can-eat mozzarella sticks for $10. Her story is very funny, though, from personal experience, the best reason to go to TGI Friday’s is for their 2-for-1 drink specials. The last time I was there I got two scotches for $5! What a deal.

Photo: Mike Mozart

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unlucky-artist:

Maybe the best sarcastic conversation in tv history 

So. Good. 

They are essentially two ways to look at ‘Boyhood,’ as exemplified by the older man sitting next to me sighing derisively every 5-10 minutes just as I was summoning every ounce of traditional masculinity to keep from sobbing snot bubbles into my milk duds. See, on the one hand, ‘Boyhood’ is an almost three hour movie in which nothing much really happens. On the other hand, ‘Boyhood’ is an almost three hour movie in which nothing much really happens EXCEPT THAT YOU GET TO WATCH A FAMILY GROW. Imagine trying to hold back the flood of emotions when the boy you met at the age of six goes off to… oops, no spoilers. Suffice it to say, ‘Boyhood’ is like all the joy of parenthood without all the hassle of finding a breeder or background checks. And that heartless old man can kiss my ass.

As you may have heard by now, ‘Boyhood’ has one big gimmick: it’s a family drama following a boy (Ellar Coltrane), his mother (the fabulous Patricia Arquette), sister (Lorelei Linklater, who doesn’t really look like her family, but that’s okay), and sometimes-absent father (Ethan Hawke) shot over the course of 12 years with the same cast. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear “164-minute gimmick movie,” I immediately yell for the garçon to bring my carriage round. In a gimmick movie, the making-of becomes a bigger story than the plot. “Did you know he shot the entire film inside a coffin??” “Did you know the entire film takes place inside a cave?” “Did you it’s told from the perspective of a horse?”

Gimmick movies are usually just a dick-measuring exercise for the director, because the truth is, once a story’s on the screen no one really cares how it got there. What separate’s ‘Boyhood’s gimmick is that, well, for one, it’s a really good gimmick. It’s not a wacky, one-off idea like combining Abe Lincoln and vampires that’s tired after the first use of it, it’s something that makes you wonder “why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?” and in this case, the only answer, the obvious answer, is that it’s really, really hard. But it actually makes perfect sense. It’s a coming-of-age movie where you get to watch the characters actually come of age. Imagine that.

The movie’s central conceit is certainly its central draw, highlighted by the fascinating journey through lead Ellar Coltrane’s increasingly disastrous hair and grooming decisions. And God, I would’ve killed for that kid’s all-American hair model mane growing up. It looks just as good greasy or clean, spiky or flowing! Fix your hair, kid! You owe it to we the frizzy masses! Anyway, in a lot of ways, it’s a movie built out of mostly inconsequential conversations. Which I realize makes it sound tedious and borderline unwatchable, and that same surface assessment is probably the reason I’ve never been able to bring myself to watch Linklater’s Sunrise/Sunset trilogy. But I defy you not to fall in love with these characters. In fact, the movie is almost a dare. That Linklater doesn’t need to put his characters through any great trials, make them slum orphans or dyslexic holocaust victims, or really put them through really anything too far removed from the experience of the average American in order to get you hopelessly attached to them by the end of the movie. It’s a hell of a magic trick.

Beyond the gimmick, ‘Boyhood’ plays to Linklater’s strengths. Over the course of a career that has been a bit hit and miss since giving the world Wooderson all those years ago, two things Linklater has been consistently great at are channeling the glow of nostalgia in just the right direction, and depicting knuckleheads who are just the right mix of clownish, antagonistic, and sympathetic. Whereas, say, Aaron Sorkin loves to write David Mamet-esque verbal ping pong rallies between hyper-literate stand-ins for himself (“Ya think?!”), Linklater has that special talent for building intelligent interactions between a couple of inarticulate dopes. Few pull it off as well as Linklater (Sopranos creator David Chase comes to mind), and he’s really gunning for the Burger King crown of undisputed Dipshit Whisperer here. It’s a beautiful thing to watch someone write teenage boys who talk like teenage boys, without softening it for the non-pubescent.

In the same way, conversations that seemed to be intended as profound observations in, say, ‘Waking Life,’ are treated with a healthy dose of critique in ‘Boyhood.’ Where, sure, maybe there’s something profound in what that guy just said, but maybe he’s just being a pretentious 18-year-old. Some of the conversations have gravity, some of them don’t. There are moments of high drama, but ‘Boyhood’ never slips into melodrama because it isn’t about one issue that the characters have to solve. It’s simply this gradual evolution, this series of moments, all the milestones, sticking points, songs, grudges, and inside jokes that eventually make up a life.

As much as it’s about Ellar Coltrane (he kind of sounds like an African warlord who gave himself that name) and his awkward journey to adulthood, his castmates’ evolutions are no less compelling. I didn’t even know you could go through an awkward phase in your late thirties, but Patricia Arquette does, before coming out the other end a more distinguished version of that irresistible nymph from ‘True Romance.’ God, that bone structure. Ethan Hawke gets weasellier and weasellier as his character gets more likable, and by the time he tells Coltrane “I wish I’d been a better parent,” you just want to give him a hug and a noogie all at the same time, his weird pedophile mustache notwithstanding.

Look, ‘Boyhood’ is not perfect. It could’ve been a little shorter and had the same effect, and right wingers will surely find much to hate in Linklater’s almost pathological need to add Sorkin-esque political needling every 20 minutes or so (though as someone who grew up the son of liberal teachers in a small town surrounded by fire-breathing religious conservatives I could certainly relate). But the fact that it constantly invites comparisons to your own childhood is part of what gives it such emotional weight, that turns you into such a reminiscing, sentimental fool. I can’t even count the number of times I ended up with this stupid/sad smile on my face, like coming home to an old dog with greying fur that looks at you with such recognizable affection in its eyes that you can still see the puppy you brought home years ago.

I promise, I promise I’m not praising ‘Boyhood’ simply because I know how hard it was to make. It opens on a shot of a blue sky with Coldplay’s “Yellow” playing. Do you know how much it goes against everything I believe in to write a positive review of a film that opens with a shot of blue sky with Coldplay playing? I’d just as soon praise Hitler, or Fred Durst. It’s a testament to how much this movie got to me that I could still get emotional about something that opened with f*cking Coldplay.

Grade: A

Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. You can find more of his work on FilmDrunk, the Uproxx network, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.

Filed under: Film Drunk, Media Tagged: ELLAR COLTRANE, FILMDRUNK REVIEWS, movie reviews, PATRICIA ARQUETTE, reviews, RICHARD LINKLATER