Amber

http://lifehacker.com/the-perfect-salary-for-happiness-by-state-1605278164

Occasionally I'll go to my page of addictive Flash games to revisit some old favorites. I mostly play games on my phone now, but some of these are still pretty good. One of my absolute faves is a game called Cyclomaniacs, which I've played all the way through several times over the years. Last night I discovered there's a Cyclomaniacs 2. So good.

Tags: addictive Flash games   video games

For when you don’t really need to write a long email, but don’t want to sound curt. Just go ahead and type it in. NO ONE WILL KNOW!

“Ugh,” I imagine some of you have said at some point. “I really need to respond to emails and/or pay some bills and/or buy stuff on Amazon and/or see what people are saying on Twitter and/or do actual work and/or look at this GIF of a Russian kid dancing in a disco for another hour straight, but I also don’t want to stop watching Netflix even for a single solitary second. Whyyyyyy is life so haaaaaaarrrrrrrdddd?”

Well, good news, you poor hypothetically busy and/or ADD-riddled soul. Chrome just rolled out an extension called Netflix Enhancer that solves your problem.

The Netflix Enhancer extension available for Chrome adds a pop-out player, which anchors the screen of what you’re streaming to the bottom right corner of your monitor while you browse between other windows. You can resize the player as you wish to leave as much space as you want for other Web browsing. [Daily Dot]

B-b-but wait. It gets better. The extension also includes a randomizer feature, which selects an episode of a show of your choosing all willy-nilly-like and begins streaming it into your face without ever forcing you to make a decision. And thank God, too. You need to get back to half-assedly devoting your attention to all that other stuff you’re kinda doing.

Filed under: TV Tagged: MULTITASKING, NETFLIX

Hillary Clinton is running for president. I know it, you know it — and, to borrow from The Kids in the Hall — dogs know it. The first clue might be that she literally has a website called ReadyForHillary.com which she poses the question of whether or not you’re “ready” to pledge to support Hillary for President, not to mention a tour bus with the same messaging. But because candidates can only officially be running for president after they say the words “I am running for president,” like something out of a magical fairy tale story — Hillary Clinton is technically still not running for president.

So on last night’s Daily Show, in which the former First Lady and Secretary of State came on to promote her new book, Hard Choices — Jon Stewart did everything in his power to get her to admit that she was running, including giving her a career aptitude test. In discussing her book, he says:

It’s an incredibly complex and well reasoned eye witness view to the history of those four years, and I think I speak for everybody when I say, no one cares, they just want to know if you’re running for president.

Seriously. CHRIST LADY, JUST F’ING ADMIT IT ALREADY. I think real life politics are more like Veep than we’ll ever really know.

Part one:

 

Part two:

Filed under: TV, Upcoming Tagged: hillary clinton, JON STEWART, THE DAILY SHOW

by Ester Bloom

As per the discussion from last week, it has been decided: we will discuss Snowpiercer, the post-apocalyptic sci fi / action / lighthearted summer entertainment about class warfare, starring Tilda Swinton, Ed Harris, and some really aggrieved axe murderers, on Thursday, July 24th. It’s playing in certain theaters but GOOD NEWS for the non-coastal elites: you can also enjoy it from the comfort of your couch. Here’s the full report from The Verge:

You can now watch acclaimed South Korean director Bong Joon-ho’s slick, post-apocalyptic sci-fi film Snowpiercer right at home — just two weeks after it hit US theaters for the first time. That’s an extremely rare move for a film such as this, which has a sizable budget ($80 million), rave reviews (such as our own), and buzz at the theaters. …

However the experiment turns out, the good news is that releasing the film on Video On Demand, Amazon, iTunes, and Google Play makes it a whole lot easier for you to see Snowpiercer. If you’d rather get the full experience, the film has expanded to 325 screens around the country, meaning you should be able to find it in most urban centers, too.

Seen it already and have thoughts about its Eat The Rich philosophy? Steeling yourself for the violence, metaphors, and violent metaphors? Get ready to turn the film inside out in the comments on 7/24!

3 Comments

President Obama was in Austin, Texas on Thursday and stopped to have some food at the famous Franklin Barbecue. The thing he didn’t know was that the man behind the register was a comedian and part-time drag queen that happened to be gay. It gets even better. Via Business Insider:

According to the Austin Chronicle, the exchange occurred after the president asked Webb if he was gay while visiting a restaurant Thursday. When Obama went up to pay at Austin’s famous Franklin Barbecue, the Chronicle reported Webb, who was working the cash register, “threw his hand down and slapped the counter dramatically.”

“Equal rights for gay people!” Webb declared.

“Are you gay?” asked Obama.

“Only when I have sex,” Webb quipped.

That is a bold thing to say and do to the President of the United States of America in the middle of a Texas restaurant. How did the President react to such a hilarious one-liner?

Webb told the Chronicle the joke got Obama to laugh. He said the president told him to “bump me.” The pair subsequently exchanged a fist bump that was captured on camera. (via)

After reading this awesome exchange between two personalities, this picture means even more.

There’s more to the story that includes Obama cutting in line to get to the front, but as Webb puts it:

“Logistically, that’s a really lazy complaint. I don’t think you can safely have a world leader hanging around in a line,” explained Webb. (via)

Yeah, there was outrage over Obama cutting in line, but then the President paid the tab for everyone he bypassed in line, which is a deal even Republican leadership wouldn’t turn down.

(Via Business Insider)

Filed under: Web Culture Tagged: AUSTIN, BBQ, equal rights, gay rights, Obama, PRESIDENT OBAMA, TEXAS

jtotheizzoe:

infinity-imagined:

MRI scans of a Human brain.

Slices of life

So cool.

If you’ve directed the third-highest grossing film of all time (and you’re working on the sequel to that film), you’d probably be forgiven if you didn’t answer every fan request from Twitter. But Joss Whedon — one of the best guys in the business — still has time for the fans, as he demonstrated after one fan summoned him on Twitter and with that wish asked for more Buffy.

That wish is Whedon’s command.

@ThoughtOtter your wish is my command here ya go pic.twitter.com/mf2s9jagG0

— Joss Whedon (@josswhedon) July 5, 2014

Here’s a better look:

Yup. All the elements of a perfect Buffy episode are there, and this particular scene already ranks ahead of season six.

Now, DO FIREFLY NEXT!

via The Mary Sue

Filed under: TV Tagged: BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, Joss Whedon

A new Sims is headed our way this year, and EA is promising the creepy digital avatars will be smarter than ever. Unfortunately, that improved AI comes at a price — some cherished Sims features will be disappearing in The Sims 4.

First, baby Sims will no longer grow into toddlers — they’ll instead jump straight to childhood. Even more distressing, the game will no longer have pools.

The removal of pools may seem like a random, minor alteration, but they’ve played an important, dark role in past Sims games.Once you get sick of a Sim, the easiest, most diabolical way to get rid of them is to put them in the pool, remove all the ladders and steps and fill their Sim lungs with Sim water.

Hardcore Sims fans (a thing that still exists apparently) are understandably upset. In the case of pools in particular, it seems like EA and Maxis are intentionally cutting a feature to stem the tide of Sim euthanasia, but they claim that’s simply not the case…

“Rather than include toddlers, we chose to go deeper on the features that make Sims come alive: meaningful and often amusing emotions; more believable motion and interactions; more tools in Create A Sim, and more realistic (and sometimes weird!) Sim behavior. Instead of pools, we chose to develop key new features in Build Mode: direct manipulation, building a house room-by-room and being able to exchange your custom rooms easily, to make the immediate environment even more relatable and interactive for your Sim.”

So, in other words, “We don’t have a reason for cutting these features that you’re likely to find satisfactory, but there’s going to be other cool stuff in the game, so don’t be mad!” Haven’t heard a video game industry “explanation” that lame since, well, when was the last time Ubisoft said something?

Via CVG

Filed under: Gaming, GammaSquad Tagged: Drowning Sims, EA, THE SIMS, The Sims 4, video games

Oh my god you guys, the spectacular PR disaster that has been the release of Robin Thicke’s new album just keeps continuing to reach new heights. In what might be the most ill-advised example of cross-branding I have ever bared witness to, 1-800-FLOWERS has teamed up with Robin Thicke to name very special bouquets after the two singles from Paula, “Get Her Back” and “Forever Love.” And because they’ve now apparently resorted to just giving it away, each bouquet will come with a complimentary a digital download of the album.

In retrospect, after his Twitter Q&A went crashing down in flames and then the album ended up being a gigantic flop anyway, I’m guessing the entire marketing department at 1-800-FLOWERS is expecting their pink slips any day now.

Here’s the description on 1-800-FLOWER’s website for the “Forever Love” bouquet, which comes in 12 Stems for $64.99 or 18 Stems for $89.99:

Whether you’re looking to get the attention of a certain someone or letting her know she’s always in your heart, you can’t go wrong with a fresh bouquet of premium long-stem red roses. Inspired by the music of Robin Thicke, they’re hand-designed by our expert florists and arranged in a ruby red vase to help you express your feelings in the most romantic way possible.

“Inspired by the music of Robin Thicke?” They’re f*cking roses. In a red vase. So I wouldn’t brag about it. The “Get Her Back” bouquet, on the other hand, — which costs a whopping $350 — sounds much more inspired by Robin Thicke:

Looking for a guaranteed way to get her back? Send our lush and luxurious bouquet of 100 romantic premium long-stem red roses! Inspired by Robin Thicke’s hit single, this spectacular rose arrangement is artistically hand-designed by our expert florists to help you express your feelings perfectly. We’re sure she’ll get the message.

And if she doesn’t get the message … Well, let’s just say she’ll get the message. *cracks knuckles*

Filed under: Music, Web Culture Tagged: 1-800-flowers, pr disasters, ROBIN THICKE, robin thicke is creepy, SORRY

Should you put your vermouth in the fridge? Should you try using a wine-saver system or rebottling into smaller bottles? I put a few vermouth-storage methods to the test to figure out the best way to make that bottle last. Read More

elisehu:

Found outside a random bar in Denver #pmdmc #public

We love npr!!

Me: “Eat your dinner.”
3yo: “I have 2 stomachs. One is for food, one is for ice cream. The food stomach is full. Let’s have some ice cream!”

peoplecaringloudlyatme:

so this just happened

This totes happened. Leslie is thrilled.

Glamour UK: What do you get riled up about in a feminist context?
Gillian Anderson: A lot. I have feminist bones and when I hear things or see people react to women in certain ways I have very little tolerance.
Glamour UK: But don't you feel sorry for modern men? Not knowing whether they should help us with our bags and open doors for us or whether we'll see it as an affront?
Gillian Anderson: No. I don't feel sorry for men.

In a piece for the Pottermore web site, JK Rowling writes an update on how the gang from the Harry Potter books is doing. The piece is an account of the Quidditch World Cup Final written by Rita Skeeter, the gossip columnist from the books. You need a login to read it on Pottermore, but someone uploaded it to Reddit as well.

The Potter family and the rest of Dumbledore's Army have been given accommodation in the VIP section of the campsite, which is protected by heavy charms and patrolled by Security Warlocks. Their presence has ensured large crowds along the cordoned area, all hoping for a glimpse of their heroes. At 3pm today they got their wish when, to the accompaniment of loud screams, Potter took his young sons James and Albus to visit the players' compound, where he introduced them to Bulgarian Seeker Viktor Krum.

About to turn 34, there are a couple of threads of silver in the famous Auror's black hair, but he continues to wear the distinctive round glasses that some might say are better suited to a style-deficient twelve-year-old. The famous lightning scar has company: Potter is sporting a nasty cut over his right cheekbone. Requests for information as to its provenance merely produced the usual response from the Ministry of Magic: 'We do not comment on the top secret work of the Auror department, as we have told you no less than 514 times, Ms. Skeeter.' So what are they hiding? Is the Chosen One embroiled in fresh mysteries that will one day explode upon us all, plunging us into a new age of terror and mayhem?

That last line is one of a few references to possible new stories in the piece...the last paragraph mentions a new biography of Harry and his pals due out at the end of this month:

And for those who want to know exactly how imperfect they are, my new biography: Dumbledore's Army: The Dark Side of the Demob will be available from Flourish and Blotts on July 31st.

Could Rowling be setting the stage for an eighth Potter book or is she just winding us up?

Tags: Harry Potter   JK Rowling

This kid is one of the less obnoxious ones, believe it or not.

Kids today pretty much emerge from the womb holding an iPad, so what might this generation of brats think about the handheld electronic device that really started it all, Nintendo’s Game Boy? Well, they start out optimistic! They notice it’s got the word Nintendo on it, so like, maybe it’s some version of the Wii? Or, uh, the original DS?

Theeen they start to play it, and, well, to quote one of the kids, “I kind of feel sad for the people in the past”. Oh yeah kid? Well, well…yeah, you’re probably right to.

Get ready to hate some perfectly innocent kids…

Thank goodness for the green-shirted Asian kid — I need to know I have a new generation of readers out there somewhere.

Via TheFineBros

Filed under: Gaming, GammaSquad Tagged: Game Boy, GAMEBOY, KIDS REACT, tetris, THE FINE BROTHERS, video games

Paul Rudd dropped by The Colbert Report last night to promote David Wain’s must-see They Came Together, co-starring Amy Poehler and New York City. Midway through the interview, which took up half the episode, Stephen Colbert dropped his shtick, and became the kind of affable host I think we’re going to see on The Late Show. He told an adorable anecdote about the time Rudd sang “Oops!… I Did It Again” with his daughter, and kept repeating how nice of a gentlemen the future Ant Man star is. Colbert kept things funny throughout, though (“Are you an asshole who’s a great actor, or are you a really nice guy who’s a terrible actor?”), and by the end of the chat, both he and Rudd couldn’t stop giggling.

I think this Colbert fella’s gonna be OOOOOOOOOK.

Filed under: TV Tagged: PAUL RUDD, STEPHEN COLBERT, the colbert report, THEY CAME TOGETHER

Smarty Pins is a Google Maps-based geography quiz...you drop pins on the map to answer questions. You start with a total of 1000 miles and the game subtracts the number of miles you're off by for each answer.

I just spent far too long playing this. Can you beat my score of 39? Also, this reminds me of GeoGuessr, which is a lot more difficult.

Tags: geography   Google Maps   maps

ladiesagainsthumanity:

RUTH. BADER. GINSBERG. 

via @sethdmichaels

By now you’re probably well aware that the Supreme Court of the United States voted 5-4 in favor of Hobby Lobby in perhaps the most important case of the current term, as it determined that corporations can’t be required by law to provide coverage for birth control if their religious beliefs equate such medications with abortion. Perhaps you’ve spent the better part of the last hour reading as many articles about the decision as your little eyeballs can handle, or you’ve simply been overwhelmed with the scorching opinions of your friends on Facebook. Or maybe you’ve even been reading the actual case and the highlights of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s 35-page opposition to the ruling.

Naturally, a lot of people on Twitter are handling this ruling in one of two ways – freaking the f*ck out and insulting everyone who disagrees with them or by making fun of it all. That first way is a terrifying reminder of how social media is destroying us, so let’s go with the second one instead. And boy did people have jokes today.

And even Bobby Jindal, the Governor of Louisiana, likes to get in on the jokes.

However, I think this one will serve as a stop sign before I fall into a wormhole of the really dark Tweets.

Filed under: Upcoming, Web Culture Tagged: BIRTH CONTROL, healthcare, HOBBY LOBBY, SUPREME COURT, Twitter, TWITTER OUTRAGE, U.S. Supreme Court

Stacey’s recaps of Orange Is The New Black have gotten to the super-depressing part of the season, but the cast of the binge-watchiest of Netflix series was having the time of their lives at the New York City Pride Parade yesterday. A gay ol’ time, if you will. Yael Stone (Lorna), Laverne Cox (Sophia), Samira Wiley (Poussey), Danielle Brooks (Taystee), and Matt McGorry (Bennett) were all there, riding a Litchfield Prison float, one that presumably ran on overflowing toilet poo (hence, New York City). Dascha Polanco was there, too, but Dayanara’s even more of a Larry than that pie-f*cker Larry, so whatever.

Meanwhile, in California:

Little Boo was busy making friends with the nearest jar of peanut butter (and yes, that is Pennsatucky).

Filed under: TV, Upcoming Tagged: GAY PRIDE PARADE, gay stuff, NEW YORK CITY, ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

The stars of BBC’s Sherlock are very busy men these days. Benedict Cumberbatch was just in 12 Years a Slave and has a relatively full dance card going forward, and Martin Freeman is on Bilbo duty for The Hobbit and just wrapped up his excellent turn as Minnesota miscreant Lester Nygaard on Fargo. (“The Minnesota Miscreant” is a good name for a boxer, btw. My gift to you.) As a result of their flourishing careers, as well as the busy schedules of creators Steven Moffatt and Mark Gatniss, Sherlock has been essentially on ice since production wrapped on Series 3, with Series 4 set to shoot at some undetermined point well into the future.

According to a very forthcoming Freeman, however, who has teased the idea of a one-off special between seasons in the past, there may be something in the works: A Christmas special. In 2015. From The Telegraph:

The BBC likes to keep all announcements about Sherlock shrouded in secrecy.

But Freeman told the Telegraph that a period of filming in early 2015 “looks pretty likely”.

“If that’s going to be a special – I’m speaking off-message here; if this was New Labour I’d get fired – I think that might be for next Christmas. A Christmas special. That’s what I understand,” he said, indicating that a full-blown series is unlikely.

He also said this about the character his real-life wife plays, Mary Morstan, who is Watson’s wife on the show, and it is either an incredibly large spoiler or common knowledge, depending how you feel about plot developments from books that were written so long ago that the majority of the information in them is now in the public domain.

“While we play fast and loose with the original stories, we generally follow the trajectory of what Conan Doyle did. So he [Watson] gets married, and then Mary dies – so at some point presumably she’ll die,” Freeman said.

So there’s that, too.

Anyway, yes, 18 months is a horrendously long time to wait for a single new episode of a TV show (or anything, for that matter), but on the bright side, it does give everyone who hasn’t seen the show yet plenty of time to rip through the entire series on Netflix. Silver linings and so on and so forth.

Filed under: TV Tagged: bbc, Martin Freeman, Sherlock

If you want to get people talking about your new PSA that handles the very serious subject of gun safety, there are plenty of ways you can go. For example, you could hire a celebrity spokesperson to speak in a very serious and solemn tone, so people will share it and say things like, “Hey, Spencer Pratt thinks we should hide our guns in hard-to-reach places in our homes” and make their friends and family click on it. Or you could be like the organization Evolve and release a PSA that looks like this one, and has two adorable children sword-fighting in their front yard, using their mothers’ sex toys as they watch.

Evolve’s message, as created by the McCann Erickson ad agency, is “If they find it, they’ll play with it,” and people are certainly going to talk about two kids fighting with dildos. There’s no doubt about that.

“It presents it in a way thats humorous, it creates some levity for engaging someone in the conversation,” [Evolve co-founder Rebecca] Bond explained. “When you start to talk about play things and how you secure those things … it’s an easier way into the conversation. You start to make people think.” (Via the HuffPo)

It’s definitely going to start easier conversations with questions like, I’m guessing, “Hey, did you see those kids playing with their moms’ dildos?” It’s a bold and pleasurable move, Evolve.

Filed under: Media Tagged: dildos, Evolve, GUN SAFETY, guns, PSA, PSAs, SEX TOYS

huffingtonpost:

People have offered many potential explanations for this discrepancy, but this ad highlights the importance of the social cues that push girls away from math and science in their earliest childhood years.

Watch the powerful Verizon advertisement to really understand what a little girl hears when you tell her she’s pretty.

:)

Game of Thrones book readers were in a tizzy after the season four finale when a character they assumed would play a major role in the episode pulled a Gendry and was nowhere to be seen. And she didn’t even send her regards. Is saying “she” a spoiler? No, because not only have the words “Lady Stoneheart” been tossed around like mommas out moon doors, but “she” won’t ever be on the show.

Michelle Fairley…confirmed that Catelyn’s Red Wedding death is her final one.

“The character’s dead,” Fairley says. “She’s dead.”

When asked if she was upset about Cat not getting her resurrection, [she said], “You respect the writers’ decision. I knew the arc, and that was it. They can’t stick to the books 100% It’s impossible — they only have 10 hours per season. They have got to keep it dramatic and exciting, and extraneous stuff along the way gets lost in order to maintain the quality of brilliant show.” (Via)

For the five people still wondering what the heck a Lady Whoheart is: she’s basically Zombie Cat Stark, and she’s awesome. I liked the finale a bunch, but I would have LOVED it if she had been brought back from the dead. I blame The Walking Dead. I don’t know how, but I know CORAL’s involved.

Via Zap 2 It

Filed under: TV Tagged: game of thrones, LADY STONEHEART, Michelle Fairley

As each day goes by, it becomes more and more difficult to ignore all of the professional trolls and sh*t-stirrers out there in the mainstream media. Between Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti, I’m surprised that I haven’t been locked away in a dark room, miles below the surface while I scratch “LeBron James is not clutch” onto every square inch of the walls, using only my fingernails as writing utensils. Fortunately, I’ve been able to train myself in an almost ninja-like way to ignore all of the political writers out there from both parties and beyond, because life is just too short to worry about what fart-sniffing partisan cheerleaders have to say about what’s going to end this world.

But then Ann Coulter had to go and mess with the growing respect and appreciation for soccer that casual American sports fans have been experiencing in this 2014 FIFA World Cup, and the lady broke me on the morning of the U.S. Men’s National Team’s most important match of all-time. Last night, she published a new column, “America’s Favorite National Pastime: Hating Soccer,” on her website, and it is a milestone in trolling the likes of which Mariotti only wishes he could pull off. There is basically no way that this hilariously and pitifully ignorant screed wasn’t written as parody, because it had me cracking up from her very first point about how there is no individual glory in soccer.

Like a really bad stand-up comic at a casino in a rural town with a name you can’t pronounce or a complaint to the FCC about the way people answer questions on Family Feud, I ask that you just try to appreciate this for the sake of comedy, because there’s no way the people who actually believe Coulter’s latest rant can ever be brought back from the deepest end. Check it out, journalism students with minors in political science, because this is a course in taking it to the next level.

I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.

And she’s out of the gates with jokes so old that I was wearing a No Fear t-shirt the last time that I made one. But yes, moral decay and whatnot. Continue.

(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they’re standing alone at the plate. But there’s also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called “soccer moms,” not “football moms.”

Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.

The most disappointing part about this is that she doesn’t know who Lionel Messi is and therefore go on a rant of messy puns. “You know what’s Messi? The oil drip under my BMW. But sure, let’s play the Germans in no-hands ball and not vilify them for their poor automobile warranties.”

(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

“And minivans? This is America, the land of Super Size. Get your asses in megavans, moms, and then drive them right back into your kitchens.”

(3) No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: “2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0.” Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: “1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0.” If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.

Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it’s a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.

I’d ask for a citation on that scoreless ties statement, but she saw a marquee that had the score for one game, so I’m sold. Also, she wrote “sport” in quotations, which is like the sickest burn on Earth, and ain’t no aloe vera gonna treat that, honey.

(4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Don’t worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game.

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

(5) You can’t use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!

I mean, you don’t see our soldiers literally kicking other countries’ asses, do you? My big toe doesn’t even fit inside a trigger guard.

(6) I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s “Girls,” light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating.

I note that we don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting football is.

The worst part about this stupid World Cup tournament is how the government keeps sending agents into my home to turn all of my TVs to soccer, and then they stomp on the remotes so I can’t use them. And don’t even get me started on Agent Darryl, who keeps using the toilet and not flushing. Agent Darryl is a dick, you guys.

(7) It’s foreign. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not “catching on” at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.

Ann Coulter, voice of the African-American community.

(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine.

Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he’ll say something like “70 degrees.” Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he’ll say it’s about 200 miles.

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That’s easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

It’s impossible not to imagine Coulter doing one-armed pushups as she shouts this nonsense into the headset that came with her latest version of Dragon Naturally Speaking.

(9) Soccer is not “catching on.” Headlines this week proclaimed “Record U.S. ratings for World Cup,” and we had to hear — again — about the “growing popularity of soccer in the United States.”

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women’s World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women’s games are as thrilling as the men’s.)

“Women suck at everything” is a running theme for Coulter, in case you’re having trouble keeping up.

Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year’s Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.

Remember when the media tried to foist British soccer star David Beckham and his permanently camera-ready wife on us a few years ago? Their arrival in America was heralded with 24-7 news coverage. That lasted about two days. Ratings tanked. No one cared.

Things got so bad for Beckham, that he had to resort to stripping.

If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

In conclusion, the only “Americans” watching soccer today will be the un-Americans. Unless soccer wants to grow some balls for once, and maybe look like this:

Until then, no thank you, rest of the world.

Filed under: Sports, Web Culture Tagged: 2014 FIFA World Cup, 2014 WORLD CUP, ann coulter, holy crap, HOT SPROTS TAKES, KEEP YOUR POLITICS OUT OF MY SPORTS, SOCCER, the dumbest thing ever written, USA! USA! USA!