Shared posts

09 Feb 02:43

Does Taylor Rehmet’s Victory Foreshadow an Anti-MAGA Wave?

by Tyler Hicks

After Democrat Taylor Rehmet beat the GOP’s Leigh Wambsganss in the January 31 special runoff election for state Senate District 9 , Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick called the loss “a wake-up call for Republicans across Texas.” It’s been a common sentiment in the Republican Party in recent days, especially since a Democrat hasn’t won that seat since 1991. 

Rehmet’s win was a 31-point swing from President Donald Trump’s victory there less than a year and a half ago—and a 37-point swing from the GOP incumbent’s margin in that district in 2022. What’s more, Wambsganss had 10 times as much money as Rehmet, including large checks from heavyweights like Texans for Lawsuit Reform and right-wing megadonor Tim Dunn’s PAC. 

But Brian Mayes, a longtime Republican strategist, saw this coming. 

After last May, when a dozen local candidates endorsed by the Tarrant County GOP lost their elections, Mayes figured the party was heading toward more defeat. “It’s like when a football team loses, you can either go back and figure out why you lost and make hard decisions, or you don’t,” Mayes told the Texas Observer, and “you keep doing the same thing over and over.”

Wambganss has helped lead the school board culture wars that have dominated Tarrant County politics for much of the last five years, and as Mayes sees it, voters were ready for something different. It helped that Rehmet, a Machinists union leader, was a strong candidate whose focus on public education clearly resonated across party lines. 

Kendall Scudder, chair of the Texas Democratic Party, put it bluntly. “We had a really good candidate, and they had a really bad candidate,” he told the Observer

While political observers have stopped short of saying this is the first break of an all-out anti-MAGA wave, voter data indicates that Republicans are more vulnerable than the party may realize—especially in Tarrant County, which is currently the largest red county in the nation and a key battleground in the 2026 elections. (With the Texas Legislature currently out of session, Rehmet is unlikely to cast a vote in the state Senate before he and Wambsganss rematch in the November general election for the seat’s full term.) 

Ross Hunt, a Republican data analyst who has been dissecting the numbers and sharing takeaways on his X feed, said the GOP lost the seat “because of the failure to persuade swing Republicans and right-leaning independents.”

Hunt wrote on X: “Republicans’ handpicked candidate for this working-and middle-class, 51% Fort Worth district was a socially conservative political operative from a wealthy suburb that makes up 4% of the District.”

Meanwhile, Wambsganss’ opponent offered a stark contrast: He was “Mr. Tarrant County,” as Scudder put it. “He’s a union leader, veteran, very disciplined on his messaging and very hyper-focused on the working class and making life better for people,” Scudder said. “Leigh is a zealot who spends all of her time denigrating public school teachers and trying to dismantle public school institutions.”

But candidate quality alone, Scudder argues, can’t explain what he called a “perfect storm.” He credited an unusually coordinated Democratic effort that began months before the runoff. Specifically, the Texas Democratic Party (TDP) helped the Rehmet campaign make 1.5 million phone calls, knock on 20,000 doors and send 300,000 text messages. Nearly $150,000, about half of Rehmet’s campaign funds, came via the Texas Majority PAC, which is running a joint political operation with the TDP. 

“For the first time in a very long time, Democrats were operating as a team, moving in the same direction with the same goal, and that’s to win an election,” Scudder said.

In a statement to the Observer, Rehmet said broadening his tent was a central part of his strategy. “In the final days of the race, I spoke with voters from across the political spectrum, including many Republicans, and I was grateful for their honesty and openness,” Rehmet said. “We didn’t agree on everything but what consistently stood out was a shared respect and a willingness to listen to one another. At the end of the day, those conversations reminded me that most of us want the same things like safe communities, strong schools and a government that is effective.​​”

The Wambsganss campaign did not respond to a request for comment. On social media, Allen Blakemore, Wambsganss’ political consultant, blamed low turnout among Republicans for the surprise result. Just under 95,000 votes were cast, marking a 15 percent turnout rate for the runoff. 

But Democratic party operatives have dismissed the notion that low turnout was the sole reason for Rehmet’s upset. He not only succeeded in peeling away GOP and independent voters, but was also able to mobilize Latino voters. Latinos make up slightly more than one in five eligible voters in Senate District 9, and in some largely Hispanic areas of Fort Worth, Rehmet outperformed Kamala Harris by 50 points. 

Jason Villalba, a former Republican legislator who now runs a think tank focused on Latino voters, said at least some of that shift can be attributed to the Trump administration’s approach to immigration. “I think that trend is that Hispanics are not moving towards the GOP like they were in 2024,” Villalba said. “I think they are going back to their historic support for Democrats as they were in 2012 and 2016.”

But Tarrant County is also unique because of the prevalence of far-right Christian nationalists. For several years, a church called Mercy Culture has been amassing political influence on the local and national stage. (State Representative Nate Schatzline, a Mercy Culture pastor, recently joined President Trump’s faith advisory board.) The church effectively runs For Liberty & Justice, an organization that teaches conservative Christians how to run for office. The organization endorsed Wambsganns. 

After the Rehmet win, many Republican heavyweights gathered at an event hosted by For Liberty & Justice. Ken Paxton was there, as was Tarrant County Judge Tim O’Hare. “This is the time to stand up and fight, and this is the time that God calls us to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem, and that wall is Tarrant County,” O’Hare told attendees. 

Meanwhile, Allison Campolo, chair of the local Democratic Party, said Tarrant County Republicans have now cornered themselves by developing such close ties with groups like Mercy Culture. “All of our top Republicans are intimately tied with Mercy Culture,” Campolo said. “They either have to own that shit, which will lose them a lot of votes, or they have to separate themselves from it, which will also lose them a lot of votes.”

In other words, Campolo says the local Republican brand is in crisis: “You don’t get an over 30-point swing in Fort Worth, Texas, if your brand is okay.”

The post Does Taylor Rehmet’s Victory Foreshadow an Anti-MAGA Wave? appeared first on The Texas Observer.

09 Feb 02:39

Oh, that’s… hey!

Oh, that’s… hey!

09 Feb 02:38

“Spearhead the committee…”

“Spearhead the committee…”

09 Feb 02:38

mst3kgifs: Uh, I can’t hear you through the window. I see your...



mst3kgifs:

Uh, I can’t hear you through the window. I see your lips moving…

09 Feb 02:38

mst3kgifs: It’s not very good detail painting.



mst3kgifs:

It’s not very good detail painting.

09 Feb 02:38

Women’s Cross-Country Skiing Marred By Catcalling Italian Men On Sidelines

by The Onion Staff

VAL DI FIEMME, ITALY—Calling it a “relentless barrage of unwelcome yelling” that distracted from the competition, officials confirmed Saturday that the women’s 10km + 10km Skiathlon event had been marred by Italian men catcalling along the sidelines. “Ayyy, bella, how ’bout you-a come grip-a my ski pole, eh?” said one of the hundreds of local men stationed along the course who had shown up to leer and make kissy faces at the athletes as they raced across the harsh terrain, visibly rattling competitors unaccustomed to conditions that included lewdly gesticulating men in bowling shirts smoothing their hair and wolf-whistling. “Mamma mia, look at-a the cannolis on this one! Ciao, principessa, you-a skiing right into my heart! Call me if you want-a my spicy meatballs after-a the race!” Officials noted they did not anticipate similar disruptions during the remaining cross-country events, as the majority of catcallers had been chased off by their rolling pin-wielding wives.

The post Women’s Cross-Country Skiing Marred By Catcalling Italian Men On Sidelines appeared first on The Onion.

09 Feb 02:38

Guy At Super Bowl Party Brought Football For Some Reason

by The Onion Staff
09 Feb 02:38

Nation Furious After Realizing Super Bowl Ad For Kindness

by The Onion Staff
09 Feb 02:38

Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial Leaves Man Hankering For Clydesdale Meat

by The Onion Staff
09 Feb 02:38

Streaker Running Across Field At Super Bowl Just Concussed Player

by The Onion Staff
09 Feb 02:38

Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth

by The Onion Staff
09 Feb 02:37

JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life

by Ian MacIntyre

MILAN, ITALY – United States Vice President JD Vance was reportedly unaware of being booed during the Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, due to the fact that he is already relentlessly booed nearly 24 hours a day. “No, I didn’t notice anything different, why do you ask,” responded VP Vance as thousands of […]

The post JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life appeared first on The Beaverton.

09 Feb 02:37

When I Invited All of You Over to Watch “The Big Game,” I Assumed You Knew I Was Talking about Human Chess

by Luke Burns

I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening at the exact same time as this party, on the second Sunday in February at 6:30 p.m. But if you were confused by my invitation, that’s on you. I said that I was throwing a party to watch “the big game,” and I think any reasonable person would have understood that I was talking about watching a game of human chess.

That’s right, human chess: thirty-two actors in elaborate, historically authentic costumes as the chess pieces, and two chess grandmasters controlling the action, all of which plays out on the giant chessboard I built in my backyard. Yes, if there’s something other than human chess that people call “the big game,” I’m simply not familiar with it.

Fine, I’ll address your questions and complaints one by one:

  • First of all, I don’t see any issue with my choice of words. Human chess is quite literally a big game. Not only that, I can’t think of ANY game that is bigger than human chess. Were you expecting to show up and watch a human-scale version of Chutes and Ladders or maybe Hungry Hungry Hippos played with real hippos? Don’t be ridiculous, you would never want to have to deal with hippos—believe me, it’s enough trouble wrangling the real horses ridden by the human chess knights. No, there’s no game that comes even close to being as big as human chess; therefore, human chess is THE big game.
  • Please stop asking if we can turn on a TV. I can’t imagine what TV show or live event you’d want to watch when you could be watching the big game. And anyway, because of the cost of building the giant chessboard, feeding and stabling the horses, and paying the chess-piece actors (who are all in SAG and are not working for scale), I can’t afford a television.
  • There WILL be a halftime show. Admittedly, it’s almost never clear when the halfway point of human chess is, but we usually just decide to have halftime at around the four-hour mark (we like to let the grandmasters take their time). Entertainment will be a lute player and a falconer.
  • It’s true, in the lead-up to this party, I have been talking a lot about how excited I am for the big game’s ads. The “ads” are the advisors who make sure the actors playing the chess pieces speak in period-accurate ways, stay in character, and don’t spook the horses. The ads ARE very funny, and I DO often quote their jokes (which are about human chess) at the office water cooler the day after the big game.
  • NFL is an abbreviation that stands for “Nice, Fun, Large.” After all, human chess is all three of those things.
  • Many of you seem to be particularly hung up on the fact that I repeatedly talked to you about whether or not tailor Swift would be attending the big game this year. My tailor, Stephen Swift, comes over to watch the big game whenever I organize one, but he was feeling a little under the weather this year and wasn’t sure he could make it. I don’t know who this singer is that you’re all talking about, but tailor Swift calls his clients “Swifties” and he is engaged to a player who’s played in the big game the past two years—that handsome pawn over there on d4. Stephen also sewed all the costumes worn by the human chess pieces.
  • Chips and Dip are the two falcons who will be performing with the falconer at the halftime show. The falconer comes from Upstate New York, which is why his act is called “Buffalo Wings.” You better believe we got Chips and Dip and Buffalo Wings for the big game!
  • When I said we’d be “cracking open some cold ones,” I was, of course, referring to what happens when one of the knights gets removed from the board. Knights’ armor stiffens in the chilly February weather, and to be taken off, it has to be “cracked open” with a special tool made for removing knights’ armor in games of human chess. If you didn’t understand that, then why did you all insist on high-fiving me every time I referenced “cracking open some cold ones”? If you want a beverage, I’m more than happy to pour you a flagon of mead.
  • Finally, you can all stop shouting at me that today is a Super Sunday. I agree! ANY day of the week is a super day when you get to watch the big game (which, again, is obviously human chess).

Fine, leave if you want, but you’re all still invited back next month for my Oscar watch party. I promise, it’s exactly what it sounds like.

09 Feb 02:37

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Moneychanger

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Later he explodes sinners with giant sturgeons coming from the inside out.


Today's News:
09 Feb 02:36

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Ardent

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
He's lucky it wasn't Talk While Burping day.


Today's News:
09 Feb 02:33

Groundhog Day

by Alvaro Montoro

Illustration of a groundhog in kawaii style with the text 'If Phils sees his shadow... six more Tailwind classes!'

09 Feb 02:32

Biblically Accurate CSS

by Alvaro Montoro

The new CSS logo (a purple square with rounded corners and the letters CSS at the bottom right) with 6 wings and 11 eyes.

09 Feb 02:32

Comics in CSS

by Alvaro Montoro

cartoon with 4 panels in a 2x2 grid showing two people talking. One says 'I am coding a new comic with CSS' The other one replies surprised 'Why with CSS? Won't it look terrible?' and the first one comes back with 'It probably will. But, who cares? Have you seen what's out there now?' Then both smile big while looking outside towards the reader.

09 Feb 02:29

The CIA Erased The World Factbook With No Warning… And Told Everyone To ‘Stay Curious’

by Mike Masnick

For over half a century, the CIA’s World Factbook has been one of the most quietly useful things the federal government has ever produced. A comprehensive, regularly updated, freely available reference on every country in the world—population stats, government structures, economic data, geography, the works. It was the kind of thing that made you think, “Okay, at least some tax dollars are going toward something genuinely helpful.”

And then, this week, the CIA just… deleted it. No warning. No explanation. Every single page now redirects to a brief announcement that the Factbook has “sunset.” That’s it. That’s all you get.

Simon Willison, who first spotted the disappearance, didn’t mince words about what happened:

In a bizarre act of cultural vandalism they’ve not just removed the entire site (including the archives of previous versions) but they’ve also set every single page to be a 302 redirect to their closure announcement.

The Factbook has been released into the public domain since the start. There’s no reason not to continue to serve archived versions – a banner at the top of the page saying it’s no longer maintained would be much better than removing all of that valuable content entirely..

That’s exactly right. If the CIA decided they no longer wanted to maintain the Factbook—fine. You could make an argument for that. But the decision to not just stop updating it, but to actively destroy access to it without any advance notice is something else entirely. You couldn’t even grab a final copy before it vanished.

The CIA’s official statement on the closure is a masterclass in saying nothing:

One of CIA’s oldest and most recognizable intelligence publications, The World Factbook, has sunset. The World Factbook served the Intelligence Community and the general public as a longstanding, one-stop basic reference about countries and communities around the globe.

Okay and… why did you suddenly shut it down? They don’t say.

That’s followed by a brief history of the publication—it started classified in 1962, went unclassified in 1971, hit the web in 1997—and then this parting thought:

Though the World Factbook is gone, in the spirit of its global reach and legacy, we hope you will stay curious about the world and find ways to explore it… in person or virtually.

Gee, thanks. Super helpful. “We deleted the thing you relied on. Go touch grass or something.”

The New York Times reported that the shutdown happened while students at Boston University were literally in the middle of an open-Factbook exam:

The sudden closure of the Factbook’s website, with all of its entries no longer available to the public, left Jay Zagorsky’s business students at Boston University in the lurch midway through an exam due at midnight the next day.

His exams are regularly open-Factbook, and two questions relied on its famously tidy tables of economic certainty. In an instant, a trusted companion of lectures and late-night problem sets was gone.

“That was a great joy this afternoon,” Mr. Zagorsky said in an interview on Wednesday evening, recalling the moment faculty colleagues had begun talking to one another in disbelief. “Oh my god. What do we do? The Factbook just went offline? How do we let them finish the answers on the exams?”

Professors scrambling to figure out how to let students finish exams because a government agency couldn’t be bothered to give notice before nuking a 54-year-old publication. That’ll teach you to rely on anything from this government, I guess.

The Factbook wasn’t just a nice-to-have reference for academics. Lawyers have noted that it was regularly used in asylum cases as a trusted, objective source for country conditions (maybe that’s why they killed it?). When you’re trying to establish that a country is dangerous enough to warrant asylum, citing the CIA’s own publicly available data tends to carry some weight. That resource is now just… gone. With no replacement.

To try to salvage what he could of the Factbook, Willison took matters into his own hands. He found that until 2020, the CIA published annual zip file archives of the entire site to the Internet Archive. He downloaded the 2020 version and threw it up on GitHub with Pages enabled, so at least something remains accessible. It’s now six years out of date, but it’s better than the nothing the CIA has left us with.

And that’s what makes this so frustrating. The Factbook was public domain. It was created with taxpayer money. There was absolutely no legal or technical reason the CIA couldn’t have left the existing site up with a banner saying “no longer maintained” or given users time to archive their own copies. Instead, they chose to 302 redirect every single page to their farewell note, as if the goal was specifically to make sure no one could access anything.

There’s already a FOIA request in the works to try to obtain both the current data and the explanation for why this happened. But the fact that we need a FOIA request to find out why a public domain government reference tool was suddenly erased should tell you everything you need to know about where we are.

I have FOIAd the CIA World Factbook and the reasons for its removal

Kevin H Bell (@kevinok.bsky.social) 2026-02-05T04:34:14.460Z

The Times did find one former intelligence official who wasn’t sad to see it go:

“C.I.A. is not the Library of Congress,” Ms. Sanner said with a laugh. “The intelligence community shouldn’t be your librarian.”

Sure. But when you’ve been the librarian for 54 years and people have built workflows around your library, you don’t get to just burn it down overnight and tell everyone to “stay curious.”

This has all the hallmarks of the current administration’s broader war on publicly available information. Data.gov scrubbed of climate information. USAID websites vanishing completely (along with the agency). Government research going dark. The World Factbook is just the latest casualty in what appears to be a systematic effort to make the federal government’s own information harder to access.

The CIA hasn’t said why they did this. It hasn’t said who made the decision. It didn’t even release the data in some other format. It just went dark and told everyone just to “stay curious about the world.”

Some of us are curious why our own government keeps removing public access to information.

09 Feb 02:26

The Wyden Siren: Senator’s Cryptic CIA Letter Follows A Pattern That’s Never Been Wrong

by Mike Masnick

If you’ve been paying attention to surveillance and civil liberties issues over the past fifteen years, you’ve likely learned to recognize a particular pattern. Senator Ron Wyden will occasionally send a public letter that essentially says “hey, I can’t tell you what’s happening because it’s classified, but something really bad is going on and you should all be paying attention.”

A decade ago some dubbed this the Wyden Siren. And when the Wyden Siren goes off, history tells us we should listen. Because every single time he’s done this, he’s eventually been proven right.

On Tuesday, Wyden sent a remarkably short letter to CIA Director John Ratcliffe. The entire substantive content is this:

I write to alert you to a classified letter I sent you earlier today in which I express deep concerns about CIA activities.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing. “Deep concerns about CIA activities.” He can’t say what. He can’t say why. But he’s making damn sure there’s a public record that he raised the alarm.

And if he’s done that, it means something very, very, very bad is happening.

If you’re not familiar with the Wyden Siren, let me walk you through the pattern, because it’s been remarkably consistent.

Back in 2011, Wyden and Senator Mark Udall tried to warn the public that the federal government had secretly reinterpreted the PATRIOT Act to mean something entirely different from what the text actually said. They couldn’t reveal the details because they were classified, but Wyden made the situation clear:

We’re getting to a gap between what the public thinks the law says and what the American government secretly thinks the law says.

For a couple years, civil liberties advocates were left guessing what that secret interpretation might be. Then Ed Snowden came along and revealed the NSA’s bulk metadata collection program—the exact thing Wyden had been warning about. Apparently, one of the things that reportedly pushed Snowden to leak was watching then Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper, lie to Wyden’s face in a hearing about whether the NSA was collecting data on millions of Americans. Wyden knew the answer. Clapper lied anyway. Snowden had the proof.

In 2015, Wyden was at it again, this time warning about a secret Justice Department legal opinion related to cybersecurity legislation:

I remain very concerned that a secret Justice Department opinion that is of clear relevance to this debate continues to be withheld from the public. This opinion, which interprets common commercial service agreements, is inconsistent with the public’s understanding of the law, and I believe it will be difficult for Congress to have a fully informed debate on cybersecurity legislation if it does not understand how these agreements have been interpreted by the Executive Branch.

In 2017, we wrote about the Wyden Siren going off again when Dan Coats, then Director of National Intelligence, gave an answer about Section 702 surveillance that Wyden pointed out was to a different question than the one he’d actually asked:

That was not my question. Please provide a public response to my question, as asked at the June 7, 2017, hearing.

The pattern repeats. Wyden asks a specific question about surveillance. The intelligence community answers a slightly different question in a way that technically isn’t lying but is designed to mislead. Wyden calls them out. Eventually, the truth comes out, and it’s always worse than people assumed.

It’s not just surveillance, either. Wyden has used this same approach to expose ICE illegally collecting millions of Americans’ financial records through bulk administrative subpoenas—a program that was hastily shut down the moment Wyden’s office started asking questions about it. He’s caught the government gathering push notification data from Apple and Google while forbidding those companies from telling anyone about it. He’s questioned domain seizures, the FBI’s power to look at your browsing history without a warrant, and countless other government activities that were happening in secret.

The track record here is essentially perfect. When Wyden sends a cryptic letter or asks a pointed question suggesting something concerning is happening behind the classification curtain, something concerning is absolutely happening behind the classification curtain.

So what’s happening at the CIA that has Wyden sending a two-sentence letter that amounts to “I legally cannot tell you what’s wrong, but something is very wrong”?

We don’t know yet. That’s the whole point of classification—it keeps the public in the dark about what their government is doing in their name. But Wyden’s letter is the equivalent of a fire alarm. He’s seen something. He can’t say what. But he wants there to be a record that he raised the concern.

Given the current administration’s approach to, well, everything, the possibilities are unfortunately vast. Is it about domestic surveillance? Something about current ODNI Tulsi Gabbard? International operations gone sideways? Some new interpretation of the CIA’s authorities that would make Americans’ hair stand on end if they knew about it? We’re left guessing, just like we were guessing about the PATRIOT Act’s secret interpretation back in 2011.

But here’s what we do know: Ron Wyden has been doing this for at least fifteen years. And every single time, he’s been vindicated. The secret programs were real. The abuses were real. The gap between what the public thought was happening and what was actually happening was real.

The Wyden Siren is blaring. Pay attention.

07 Feb 04:46

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Curse

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Anything that deviates from normal is a conspiracy, including when things are precisely normal.


Today's News:
06 Feb 23:22

Tell You Something

by Reza
06 Feb 23:21

We’ll just let that go.

We’ll just let that go.

06 Feb 23:20

Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him

by The Onion Staff

LOS ANGELES—Staring down at the blank Microsoft Word screen with a hopeless expression on his face, Hollywood TV producer Ryan Murphy told reporters Friday that he was worried his worst ideas were now behind him. “Sometimes I look back and fear I’ll never be able to come up with anything that schlocky ever again,” said the 60-year-old Murphy,  who became visibly emotional as memories of Monster, American Horror Story, and Glee flashed through his mind. “I’ve already cast Kim Kardashian twice—where else is there to go? Was All’s Fair my peak low? I hope not. But when I see The Beauty’s 71% on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s hard not to panic. What if my ideas for one-dimensional characters are completely tapped out? It would be awful if I had to sell out and abandon marketability in favor of depth.” At press time, Murphy was reportedly feeling newly inspired after typing out the words “gay 9/11.”

The post Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:19

Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women

by The Onion Staff

MILAN—Casting a mournful pall over the procession making its way through the foothills and dusty roads of northern Italy, thousands of wailing, black-shawl-clad Italian women were seen following the Olympic torch this week in the run-up to the 2026 Winter Games. The women, wearing dark head coverings and clutching religious icons that bore the image of St. Catherine of Siena, reportedly sobbed and stayed close to the torchbearers and NBC camera crew throughout the final leg of the 7,500-mile relay, which ends Friday with the lighting of the Olympic cauldron at Milan’s San Siro stadium. Beating their breasts and occasionally dropping to their knees and crying out to the Blessed Mother for strength, these disconsolate women were said to be accompanied by an assemblage of village musicians playing cornets and cymbals, a group of barefoot children in string ties who led a garlanded ox through the winding valleys of Lombardy, and Olympic greats such as Kristi Yamaguchi and Shaun White. At press time, sources confirmed the procession had abruptly broken up after torchbearer and Italian television personality Gianluca Torre was shot and killed by Salvatore, the impulsive, hot-blooded eldest son of the Fontana clan.

The post Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:19

Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist

by The Onion Staff

The post Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:18

TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill

by The Onion Staff

WASHINGTON—Touting it as the fastest and most convenient way for people from foreign countries to be a part of the American Dream, President Donald Trump announced Friday that his direct-to-consumer website TrumpRx would offer a $1 million citizenship pill. “Instead of sitting through a stupid test and having to attend some boring oath ceremony, you take one tablet and instantly receive all the privileges you’d have had if you’d lived here all your life,” said Trump, adding that, at higher doses, the gold-pigmented tablets also fulfilled several civic obligations such as jury duty and registering for the Selective Service. “All it takes to join the most powerful nation on Earth is $1million and a glass of water. You’ll start feeling the effects of your new status almost instantly. You’re not gonna find a better deal than that on Obamacare, believe me.” At press time, the Trump Administration clarified that the citizenship effects wore off after a few hours and that the $1 million pill needed to be taken three times a day for life.

The post TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:18

Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers

by The Onion Staff

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the federal agency in charge of enforcing workplace anti-discrimination laws, is investigating Nike over the athletic shoe giant’s treatment of white employees. What do you think?

“Well, the brand has to differentiate itself from New Balance somehow.”

Ruby Meader, Ornament Arranger

“God forbid Nike put out a practical boat shoe.”

D.J. Parks, Distortion Expert

“And notice how the slogan isn’t Just Do It, White People?”

Adam Morin, Systems Analyst

The post Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:17

Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara

by The Onion Staff

WASHINGTON—Infuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend’s Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. “I can put up with pandering to international markets when it’s some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game of the year,” said Greg Stanley of Loudon, NH, echoing millions of like-minded conservatives in declaring it a goddamn travesty that American fans probably had to fly 15 hours to watch a sport invented right here in the United States. “I mean, you don’t see us trying to steal soccer—you know, their version of football—from Santa Clara, do you? You know Bad Bunny had something to do with this, because obliterating America from halftime apparently wasn’t enough. I will absolutely lose my shit if Drake Maye isn’t playing because of some passport issue.” At press time, Stanley said he’d still try to watch the game but wouldn’t be surprised if the announcers weren’t even speaking English.

The post Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:17

Dinosaurs And Non-Dinosaurs

Staplers are actually in Pseudosuchia, making them more closely related to crocodiles than to dinosaurs.