Cowboy Who?

City officials tout Galveston’s Mardi Gras celebration as the third largest in the country and the largest in Texas with more than 400,000 visitors each year.

Internet Archive, Poynter Institute, and Investigative Reporters and Editors (IRE) are pleased to announce the first cohort of newsrooms to join the Today’s News for Tomorrow program. With support from Press Forward, Today’s News for Tomorrow will bring together news organizations and memory institutions to address the urgent challenge of local news preservation and perpetual access. The project will create a national framework for digital preservation that serves newsrooms’ “immediate internal needs and communities’ future information needs,” according to Press Forward.

“Journalism is the first draft of history, and we’re at risk of losing that history due to changes in a newsroom’s technology, ownership, and even outside pressure to erase it,” said Kristen Hare, program instructor and Poynter’s director for craft and local news. “Today’s News for Tomorrow will help local journalists and newsrooms learn what we’re up against and make sure the first draft of news is still around for future generations.”

Participating newsrooms will receive access to Internet Archive’s services, tools, and infrastructure, share public local news resources through a unified local news access portal, and participate in knowledge-sharing opportunities centered around local news archiving. 

The first cohort will be made up of digital local news publications. Future cohorts in 2026 will be tailored to meet the preservation needs of print newspapers, public media organizations, and independent journalists. Members of the initial cohort were selected through a competitive application process and include:

The Berkeley Scanner (Berkeley, CA)

The Jefferson County Beacon (Port Townsend, WA)

Cityside (Berkeley, CA)

Athens County Independent (Athens, OH)

Hoy en Delaware (Wilmington, DE)

Bucks County Beacon (Warminster, PA)

Golden Today (Golden, CO)

The 51st (Washington, DC)

15 West (Chicago, IL)

The Rapidian (Grand Rapids, MI)

My Tarboro Today (Tarboro, NC)

Outlier Media (Detroit, MI)

Hmong Daily News (Sacramento, CA)

Front Range Focus (Denver, CO)

Lake County News (Lucerne, CA)

The Providence Eye (Providence, RI)

Grandview Independent (Richmond, CA)

The Well News (Washington, DC)

Prism Reports (Oakland, CA)

El Paso Matters (El Paso, TX)

The Oaklandside (Oakland, CA)

The Current GA (Savannah, GA)

Germantown Info Hub (Philadelphia, PA)

Evanston Now (Evanston, IL)

Conecta Arizona (Phoenix, AZ)

Charlottesville Tomorrow (Charlottesville, VA)

Wisconsin Watch (Madison, WI)

BK Reader (Brooklyn, NY)

Black Girl Nerds (Virginia Beach, VA)

Lede New Orleans (New Orleans, LA)

U.S. Press Freedom Tracker (Brooklyn, NY)

Wired (New York City, NY)

El Central Hispanic News (Detroit, MI)

Newsrooms are encouraged to apply to join future cohorts. Newsrooms publishing print newspapers should apply to join the next cohort by April 1. All other organizations may apply at any time to join additional cohorts. Questions about the program can be directed to the program team at tnt@archive.org. 

Have a seat, Cindy.

Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni's Cabinet approved a security decree on Thursday, introducing stricter measures to counter violent protests.

Houston’s owned burger chain, Beck’s Prime, is winding down operations at its Westchase location this weekend. Beck’s Prime has been in business since 1985, and opened its Westchase location along Westheimer near Wilcrest in 1991. Little has changed about how Beck’s operates over the years. The chain never stopped grinding its own burger meat or slicing its own potatoes, even as competitors abandoned these practices in favor of cheaper options. While Beck’s Prime hasn’t changed, ...

The release is the culmination of a yearslong fight over the records underpinning one of the Justice Department's most high-profile and highly debated cases.

In brief: Dang nice, Houston.

Today through Sunday

This would be something of an unseasonably warm weekend anytime it occurs in winter, and to some it would be considered quite nice. After the chill of the last couple weeks, this weekend will probably feel nice to almost all. Sunshine, temps in the 70s (maybe 80?), and generally low humidity will continue.

Note how much cooler it is at the coast, with Galveston likely staying below 70 degrees. Water temperatures near the coast are in the mid-50s, which has converted the coastal Gulf into a localized air conditioning unit.

These will rebound quickly over the next week, but the combo of cold water and warm air may produce fog by Monday or Tuesday, and it will allow the island to be significantly cooler (10-15 degrees) than inland locations.

Next week

Our warmest days look to be Monday through Wednesday. Eric paid homage to the 70s yesterday, but it may be the 80s that we speak of on a couple days next week (and perhaps today). Depending on what model ensemble you choose, there’s a 20 to 40 percent chance we do it on Wednesday.

We should see shower chances infiltrate the picture beginning Tuesday however, and a weak-ish cold front looks to sneak in just after that. But it appears any cooldown will be fairly short lived, and it may be back to the 70s or 80s after a couple cool days off.

Drought update

Eric discussed the rain situation earlier this week. The latest drought update was released on Thursday and shows a small expansion of drought.

Keep in mind that this does not include the rain we saw on Tuesday (the report ends at 7 AM Tuesday). And some places saw a fair bit of helpful rain. We’ll have to see if we can cash in next week with our couple of chances. As nice as this weekend is, we probably need a couple days of soaking rain to help us out right now. If you follow weather folks on social media, you’re probably beginning to see chatter about a developing El Niño in the tropical Pacific as we head toward spring. Historically, that can skew the odds in favor of a wetter spring here in Texas, but we’re still a good way off before that would kick into gear. Something for us to keep tabs on though.

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Poems are selected by Poetry Editor Lupe Mendez, the 2022 Texas poet laureate and author of Why I Am Like Tequila. To submit a poem, please send an email with the poem attached to poetry@texasobserver.org. We’re looking for previously unpublished works of no more than 45 lines by Texas poets who have not been published by the Observer in the last two years. Pay is $100 on publication.

The post Oh, Texas Our Texas, appeared first on The Texas Observer.

“President Trump called in a new interview for the Republican Party to ‘nationalize’ voting in the United States, an aggressive rhetorical step that was likely to raise new worries about his administration’s efforts to involve itself in election matters.” — New York Times

Well, it’s happening: the radical Democrats, who hate your rights and freedom, are planning to rig the midterm elections again. It’s the latest move in their ceaseless quest to end democracy. That’s why we, the Republican Party, must rig the elections instead.

We all know how this works. Democrats, knowing that their leftist agenda of “equality,” “tolerance,” and “affordable health care” is unpopular, are importing violent illegals into communities across the country to do their bidding. Muslims, Mexicans, effete men, and brawny women—awful people who represent the antithesis of America.

The Dems have to do this because they know they’d never win a fair election, which is why we’re suspending fair elections.

That might sound extreme, but we assure you, it isn’t as extreme as what those Marxist maniacs want to do to our country. The Democrats are the party of Big Government. They want the government inside our schools. They want to use your tax dollars to arrest cops and raid churches. They want to shoot you dead in the street for exercising your Second Amendment rights.

The Republican Party is the only thing standing between you and tyranny. We’re the ones who can save you from those fearmongering emergency weather alerts, those tyrannical flu shots, and those woke puppets living on Sesame Street.

But we can’t do that if Democrats steal the election—just like they did six years ago.

In 2020, Americans wanted more Trump. But Democrats rigged the election by counting the ballots of people who can’t vote, like illegals, dead people, and women. People were furious, and more than two thousand heroes organized the biggest peaceful march in global history to protest. But even that didn’t stop Sleepy Joe Biden’s power grab, and for four years, Americans suffered.

Thankfully, the people put Donald Trump back in office with a clear mandate to do whatever he wants, which is what happens when almost 50 percent of the country votes for you. And part of that mandate means preventing Democrats from forcing their woke agenda on Americans ever again. That’s why we’re sending the FBI, an organization famously beloved by Republicans, into Antifa enclaves, like Fulton County, Georgia, to confiscate the ballots and count them until things finally add up.

While Republicans are working to ensure the midterms are fair and reflect the will of the right kind of people, we’re already seeing how the Democrats plan to cheat.

Under socialist ideologue Gavin Newsom, California redrew its congressional map to secure a few more seats in Congress—an astonishing admission of just how low Democrats will stoop to win. But it was also entirely predictable, which is why the patriotic Republicans in Texas did it first. Sadly, though, these shameful tactics by Democrats go far beyond California’s borders.

Take Minnesota, for example. Even though Republicans haven’t won there since 1970, Donald Trump won it three times (four if you count 2028). But Democrats are insisting, inconceivably, that he lost every election. This is a blatant attempt to silence Republican voices, and until Minnesota forfeits its voter information, our masked democracy protectors will continue to silence Democratic voices right back.

In fact, because our armed freedom agents have done such a great job, they’ll be monitoring poll sites across the country come November. Democrats have already expressed outrage at this idea—because they know they’ll get caught cheating. If you have nothing to hide, why would you be afraid of an unaccountable, violent paramilitary force asking for your papers at the polls?

We don’t want it to come to this, and hopefully, it doesn’t have to. We’ll respect the midterm results. As long as they’re honest. But if we’re being honest, there is no way in hell that is happening.

Hey, we're not arm wrestling anymore Cowboy Slim. #CowboyWho

Frustration is growing over the warrantless targeting of construction workers by Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Construction industry leaders say the ICE raids are creating a worker shortage and a crisis.

The course includes examples of when abortion is permitted to protect the life of the patient, but many experts say the complications women face in pregnancy are impossible to capture in a brief presentation.

Reggaeton and Latin trap artist Bad Bunny is this year’s Super Bowl halftime show performer. The Onion sat down with the musician to discuss the upcoming show. 

The Onion : How did you book the halftime show?

Bad Bunny: Roger Goodell is my cousin.

What can we expect from this year’s halftime show?

I’ve been practicing that magic trick where you pour a pitcher of milk into a rolled up newspaper and it disappears.

What do you say to those who claim you’re not American?

I understand it’s confusing to encounter an American who can speak two different languages.

Any advice for young people trying to become musicians?

Just go for it. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re too charismatic and talented to succeed.

What message do you hope America takes away from your performance?

Circumcision. Is. Child. Abuse.

What’s next for you?

I’m going to eat a whole pizza while catching up on Pluribus.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Bad Bunny appeared first on The Onion.

ERIE, PA—Saying that every full-grain cowhide motorcycle jacket would help keep a brooding, wayward rebel warm through the cold weather months, a local charity announced Tuesday that it had begun its 10th annual leather coat drive for bad boys in need.

 According to organizers, donations can be placed in drop boxes outside pool halls, 24-hour diners, and biker bars throughout town. Jackets are needed in all sizes, especially broad-shouldered and athletic fits, and may be harshly used, as tattered fabric reportedly lends bad boys an undeniable mystique. Statistics indicate the need is urgent, as a lack of proper leather apparel puts renegade youth populations at increased risk of frostbite, road rash, and looking like a doofus.

 “This winter, we ask that you consider the outwardly tough, but deep down vulnerable, young men in our community by cleaning out your closets and setting aside any leather coats with prominent shoulder studs,” said Janet McGwin, who told reporters the charity, known as Bundle Up Our Bad Boys, works to ensure area hoodlums stay warm while loitering on street corners with their friends and hassling passersby. “Many bad boys have to make that single pack of cigs rolled up in their shirtsleeve last an entire day, and they struggle to access basic necessities like a black double-rider jacket with a sewn-in half belt.”

“It’s so sad to see them shivering in their plain white T-shirts while they rev their motorcycles in abandoned lots, slugging back extra whiskey to fend off the cold or simply smoking an unfiltered Pall Mall and staring off into the distance,” she continued. “Unfortunately, sleeve tattoos don’t keep a person’s arms warm.”

McGwin added that her group plans to collect at least 5,000 leather coats by the end of the month, ideally ones that have asymmetric zippers, snap-down lapels, or patches that say “Born to ride.” Also accepted are buckskin bomber jackets, as they can work too, depending on the style a bad boy is going for. In addition, the organization welcomes donations of fingerless gloves, Wayfarer sunglasses, fine-tooth combs, hair pomade, and switchblades.

Recipients from past leather coat drives confirmed these items were essential to retaining a sense of bad boy dignity. For local ne’er-do-well and high school dropout Tony Lockhart, having a fringed leather cruiser jacket with epaulets and zip-close sleeves has meant a new beginning.

“I love having this killer coat in the winter, especially when me and my buddies are cruising around and blasting tunes in my old Mustang, which doesn’t have any heat,” said Lockhart, stretching his lean frame over a pool table to sink a bank shot as he spoke to reporters about how he spends much of his time fixing up the muscle car, which has a faded King Cobra decal on the hood. “Bundle Up Our Bad Boys understands that when a guy like me looks good, he feels good. I’ve become more successful in all areas of my life, whether it’s picking up broads, fighting some jock who dissed me, or street racing at night around a deadly bend on the edge of town.”

At press time, the charity reported that it had attempted to begin delivering donated leather coats to those in need, but all the bad boys had hit the open road, tearing out of town for parts unknown and swearing never to return. 

The post Community Leather Coat Drive Helps Bad Boys In Need appeared first on The Onion.

The post South Carolina Law Requires Ten Commandments In All School Lunches appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Expressing alarm at their friend’s deeply uncharacteristic behavior, concerned sources reported Tuesday that local alcoholic George Ralston wasn’t himself when he was sober.  “George is normally such a loud, outgoing party animal, but when he hasn’t had a drink in a while, he becomes this completely different person,” said Ralston’s friend Joe O’Hara, adding that Ralston’s frightening transformation into someone with common sense and safe driving habits made him all but certain to ruin the night once he had a few pints of bitters and soda in him. “It’s like he’s a shell of the erratic boozehound we know and love. When I look into his lucid, focused eyes, it feels like a stranger staring back at me. It’s honestly sad to see him respecting everyone’s personal space and making a complete gentleman out of himself. Apparently these days he hardly ever wakes up in a hotel room in Atlantic City with no idea of how he got there anymore. That’s not the real George. The real George is 10 beers deep and picking a fight with a bouncer.”  O’Hara added that the hardest part of confronting Ralston over his sober episodes was that his friend seemed to lose all memory of them upon returning to his usual self. 

The post Alcoholic Not Himself When Sober appeared first on The Onion.

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling the contest his “most charitable challenge yet,” content creator Jimmy Donaldson, also known as MrBeast, released a new video Monday in which competitors were informed they could keep all the cash they were able to eat. “When I say ‘Go,’ you rush to the pile of money and start chowing down,” said the popular YouTuber, who stood before a group of contestants that included a single mother, a struggling college student, and a food service worker who was living in temporary housing after getting evicted from his apartment, all of them eager for the chance to devour as many $100 bills as they could. “Any cash, coins, or preloaded debit cards that you can down and—this is important—keep down are yours to spend as you see fit. The catch? You only have 30 minutes! Now go, go, go! Don’t forget to chew!” The video went on to show MrBeast presenting the participant who ate the most cash with a check for $1 million that they had to swallow. 

The post New MrBeast Video Lets Competitors Keep As Much Cash As They Can Eat appeared first on The Onion.

God chose not to bless the union of Russo and Jackson for reasons known only unto Him.

The post Gina Russo and Ben Jackson appeared first on The Onion.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker comes to work high

I work in an animal care setting and overheard a coworker casually mention that they had taken an edible about an hour before the end of their shift. They said it didn’t fully hit them until the last few minutes of work, but during that time they were asked to help restrain a patient. They weren’t administering medication in this instance, but they were still performing tasks while impaired. They also mentioned that there have been a few times when they’ve come to work slightly under the influence.

I know some coworkers use substances on their own time, and our workplace doesn’t test or screen for this. I don’t have an issue with what people do off the clock, but using anything before or during a shift — especially in a role involving patient care — feels unsafe to me. At the same time, I don’t want to create problems for others or inadvertently push the workplace toward testing policies that impact everyone.

I’m not sure what the right step is. Should I say something, leave it alone, or approach the situation in another way?

This wouldn’t be the case with all jobs, but because of the nature of this one, it’s a serious safety issue — for the animals and for your coworkers. You need to say something. That would be true even if it had just happened once, but it’s even more urgent because they’re apparently doing it repeatedly.

Talk to your boss about what you heard. It sucks that you have to, but that’s on your coworker, not on you.

2. Interviewer was upset I wouldn’t tell him whether I was married

I’m a female physician. I had a call with a recruiter, and the second question he asked me was, “Are you married?” And then, “What kind of work do they do?” When I asked neutrally, “Oh, why do you ask?” he got very upset that I didn’t want to answer the question and said, “No one has ever done this (refused to answer) in my 25 years of recruiting.” I tried to smooth things over, but then he hung up on me.

Unfortunately I don’t know which organization he is representing and I think he may be the head of his recruiting group so I had no one to report his behavior to. This is unfortunately a question I get asked a lot, and just to avoid this kind of scenario I’ll answer, but I hate having to do that! Is there anything else I can say?

“Oh, why do you ask?” is the exact right response to this kind of question. It’s not illegal for them to ask (a common misconception), but it’s illegal for them to factor in your answer in any way so there’s no reason they need to ask, and it’s a good way to instantly make candidates uncomfortable.

One alternative is to answer what you think they’re really getting at, which in this case was probably something about whether you would be able to devote enough time and focus to the job. So for example, you could say, “Oh, I have great family support for my career, that’s never been an issue.” And if he responded to that by again asking if you were married, at that point I might say, “I’ve never been asked that in an interview before (even though you have) — why do you ask?”

But also, this particular recruiter sounds like a massive tool.

3. My boss says she wants to accommodate immunocompromised people, but won’t hold hybrid staff meetings

I work at a public institution of higher education. I’m immunocompromised, which my managers knows (although she does not know the exact condition). On the days I’m in-person at work (we all work a hybrid schedule), I consistently mask and am very careful about protecting my health. Our quarterly all-staff meetings have been hybrid for several years now, after being totally online during Covid. These have never been particularly fruitful meetings, neither informationally nor for team-building, though my manager wants to make them more useful.

At a meeting last year, she brought up the idea of making our next meeting in-person only. I mentioned that we have immunocompromised and medically vulnerable people on staff (I’m not the only one, but I have tenure and can more easily speak out) and suggested considering ways to make the meetings less risky — like at least making the winter meetings fully online. She asked to meet with me one-on-one to discuss ideas for making the meetings safer and I shared other ideas too, like holding our September and June meetings in a space with windows that open. We have two campus spaces like that where we’ve held all-staff meetings in the past so this doesn’t seem a huge ask.

My manager seems to have taken none of what I said to heart. Our September meeting was in-person only and was in a space where no windows or doors could be opened, though she did have a couple of HEPA filters in the space. But now she is proposing making our February meeting every year all-day and in-person only and making our fall and spring meetings half-day and hybrid. I’m at a loss as to why she would make the meeting during the height of flu and norovirus season in-person and why she asked for my suggestions in the first place if she was going to ignore them.

I know being immunocompromised is a real disability, but I feel like it’s treated like it isn’t because, unlike being a wheelchair user faced with a space only accessible by stairs, I physically can go to these meetings. It’s just at tremendous risk to my health. And I have some colleagues who go to work sick all the time, which makes it even more risky. I’ve already brought this up in meetings with others present and in that one-on-one meeting and it clearly had no effect. Should I just tell her I can’t attend? Talk to HR, which is notoriously unhelpful and their ADA coordinator left last spring? Keep pushing back? I’m already dealing with an illness that gets worse when I’m stressed and I wonder if it’s easier to just take a sick day and skip the meeting to avoid the whole thing. I feel so demoralized at this point.

At a minimum, tell her you can’t attend. Sample language: “I can’t safely attend an all-day in-person meeting, so would it be better for me to call in or skip this one?”

But you could also say, “I know you’d asked for ideas to make these safer for immunocompromised employees, and one thing would be — if one of these has to be full-day and in-person — to make it the fall or spring one, not the February one, since that’s the height of flu season.”

Or even: “I know you’d asked for ideas to make these safer for immunocompromised employees, and I’m curious if you ran into obstacles doing that. I might be able to better tailor ideas if I know more about the constraints we need to work within.”

4. I was laid off and still have my laptop — is there a point where it becomes mine?

I got laid off mid-November, and HR said we’d receive instructions for returning our equipment. While my company access was cut off, and my laptop was remotely wiped, it’s now mid-January and I haven’t heard anything about returning it. I emailed last week asking, and haven’t gotten a response. I live near an office, but the implication during layoffs was that they don’t want laid off employees coming back to the building, understandably.

Is there a point at which the equipment is mine? I’ve seen some advice that at some point you’re within your rights to notify the company that you’ll be disposing of the equipment if you don’t hear from them in X amount of time, but what if you wanted to use it instead of dispose of it?

First, try calling them instead of emailing — just on the principle that if one method of communication doesn’t work, you should try a second method before giving up.

But if you still don’t get a response, contact them and say, “I have not heard back from you about how to return my equipment, despite asking on (date) and (date), so this is notice that I plan to dispose of the equipment unless you arrange otherwise by (date).” If you really want to be safe, you can send that by certified mail. In most jurisdictions, 30-60 days will be considered a reasonable window to offer, and after that you are free to dispose of the equipment as you wish (which you don’t need to volunteer will mean “now it’s for personal use”).

The post interviewer was upset I wouldn’t tell him whether I was married, my coworker comes to work high, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

ZambianOS is a very seductive interface, isn’t it? I have to iterate it once a year with new features, it gets quite tiring.

The post He’s just one man appeared first on Bad Machinery.

Everyone form a meat shield around me and golden boy, hurry!

WASHINGTON—Pledging to provide her with spectacles, a curled-up tie, and whatever else she needed to do a great job, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be appointing Lara Trump as the next Dilbert. “My daughter-in-law Lara is just fantastic, so we’re gonna make her Dilbert from now on,” the president said unprompted to reporters gathered on Air Force One, adding that Lara Trump would be posted indefinitely to a Washington, D.C., cubicle where she would spend every weekday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. “Crazy Democrats will say you can’t do that. There’s just the one Dilbert, they’ll say, because they’re all so crooked. But I have unlimited power to do this, and Lara’s going to be a really special Dilbert. And we’ll look into getting her the Dilbert dog, eventually. Maybe that’ll be Eric [Trump]. We’ll see how it goes.” Reached for comment, Lara Trump said she was unaware she had been appointed Dilbert at the time of the announcement but confirmed she was honored and looked forward to having her mouth surgically removed.

The post Trump Appoints Lara Trump To Be Next Dilbert appeared first on The Onion.

The Washington Post announced sweeping layoffs amid declining revenue and backlash against the way owner Jeff Bezos has managed the company, with sports coverage, international, metro and the paper’s podcast being hit hardest. What do you think?

The post ‘Washington Post’ Lays Off One Third Of Newsroom appeared first on The Onion.

“He’s the boy who cried ‘I’ll stop being an insufferable prick’ and we’re starting to think he doesn’t mean it.” Luke and the Panel (Clare Blackwood, Megan MacKay, and Ian MacIntyre) talk Pierre Poilievre’s completely unexpected leadership review victory, the latest round of Epstein nightmares, and what exactly Mark Carney is trying to do with […]

The post Media promises to only fall for the ‘maybe Poilievre has changed’ story 4-5 more times appeared first on The Beaverton.

Moltbook, a Reddit-style social network where AI agents communicate exclusively amongst themselves without the need for humans, has taken the tech world by storm, with as many as 1.5 millions bots using the service to chat about the work they’re doing and the problems they’ve solved. What do you think?

The post New Social Network Exclusively For AI Bots appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Voicing deep frustration with the lack of jobsite carnage, President Donald Trump expressed disappointment Thursday that no one had been killed yet in the construction of the White House ballroom. “It’s been months since we started, and I still haven’t seen one worker get impaled by rebar or have his head smashed in by falling rubble,” said Trump, adding that he had at least hoped to witness a runaway steamroller squeeze the guts from the mouths of a few construction workers as if they were tubes of toothpaste. “They killed almost a hundred guys building the Hoover Dam, so why isn’t the death toll on my project even bigger? I get my hopes up every time they hoist some huge beam up with a crane, but it never ends up snapping the cable and crushing everybody. No bloody table saw accidents, no nail guns shooting into someone’s skull, no falling glass chopping someone in half. Nothing! Even though I specifically told them not to worry about being OSHA-compliant. Just my luck. They probably got plenty of asbestos exposure during the demolition process, but it’ll be years before anyone actually dies from it.” At press time, a crowbar-wielding Trump was overheard telling Vice President JD Vance to put on a hard hat and head over to the former East Wing.

The post Trump Disappointed No One Killed In Ballroom Construction Process Yet appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Saying the millions of documents had restored a pleasure they lost long ago, Americans nationwide said Thursday that the recently released trove of emails connected with disgraced financier and pedophile Jeffrey Epstein had reignited their love of reading. “I didn’t realize how much I missed the simple joy of losing myself in words until these massive tranches of sex crime files were released,” said Indianapolis resident Greta Livingston, adding that she now spends the hours she used to waste on social media curled up on the couch and completely absorbed in the lengthy communications between wealthy child predators. “My imagination just carries me away when I read page after page of rich deviants asking Epstein when they could fly in for lunch on his private sex-trafficking island. And before I know it, the sun’s up because I’ve been reading all night. I hope they release the remaining files soon, because I can’t wait to find out what happens next.” Livingston went on to admit that she regretted looking at a picture of Alan Dershowitz because of how different he appeared there than in the fantasy world of her imagination.

The post Trove Of Emails About Pedophilia Reignites Nation’s Love Of Reading appeared first on The Onion.

What time is kickoff?
The Bad Bunny concert kicks off around 8:00 or 8:30 p.m., but there will be pre-concert entertainment starting at 6:30 p.m. from one group called the “New England Patriots” and another called the “Seattle Seahawks.”

Will I still be able to enjoy the Bad Bunny concert featuring football if I don’t know the rules?
Yes. Besides, the rules are simple. When Bad Bunny says “¡Canta!” you sing. When Bad Bunny says “¡Baila!” you dance.

Is there any terminology I should brush up on in order to better appreciate the Bad Bunny concert featuring football?
While not strictly necessary, it doesn’t hurt to know a few basic terms, like “fumble” (what most white people in the audience will do to the Spanish words they’re trying to sing), or “stiff arm” (what you will likely wake up with tomorrow morning after dancing too hard during the concert).

What are the betting odds for the Bad Bunny concert featuring football?
Here are a few popular predictions across betting sites:

• The television closed captioning puts “[Singing in Spanish]” for the entire concert instead of any actual lyrics (-400)
• At some point during the performance, the camera cuts to notorious Bad Bunny fan, Jon Hamm (dubbed “Juan Jamon”), somewhere in the crowd, having the time of his life (+125)
• Over/Under on the number of angry Truth Social rants President Trump goes on throughout the course of the night (12)
• Bad Bunny is crowned MVP (Most Valuable Puerto Rican) (-1000)

Why will football be featured during the Bad Bunny concert?
The Bad Bunny concert is fantastic exposure for the NFL and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to put the game of American football in front of fans of the biggest musical artist in the world.

How much is the National Football League paying Bad Bunny for the privilege of playing football during and after his concert?
In what can only be described as a display of unprecedented magnanimity, Bad Bunny has allowed the National Football League to showcase their sport at his concert for free.

Why will ICE be present at the Bad Bunny concert featuring football?
The Bad Bunny concert featuring football is the perfect opportunity to arrest thousands of dangerous criminals and freeloaders who pose a grave threat to America, whether it’s climate-polluting oil executives, parasitic private equity portfolio managers, or society-destroying tech broligarchs. But, sadly, ICE will be at the concert looking for working-class immigrant families who would never be able to afford to attend anyway.

Is the Bad Bunny concert featuring football the same thing as “The All-American Halftime Show”?
Yes. Bad Bunny is Puerto Rican and therefore American, so his concert is an all-American halftime show. Anything else that happens to be on television at the same time, whether it’s reruns of CSI: Las Vegas or a competing live music event, will no doubt be completely overshadowed to the point where one has to wonder whether there’s any point to airing it.

Who is most likely to win the Bad Bunny concert featuring football?
The Bad Bunny concert featuring football will be a much-needed win for America. In terms of the football, though, unfortunately, probably the Pats.