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16 Oct 19:51

5 Creepy Thomas the Train Episodes Darker Than Any Horror Movie

Alecbugg

Holy shot that first one. I remember that ep

1. The Sad Story of Henry ends with a train walled up forever

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There's a good chance you haven't watched Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends in a while. Like everyone else, you probably have this vague memory of barely animatronic train sets going on pleasant, unremarkable adventures set to narration by George Carlin or Ringo Starr. Upon actually revisiting old Thomas episodes, however, reveals a dark totalitarian hellscape where it's better to be dead than one of the island of Sodor's many indentured trains. 

You don't have to look far to find depravity in Thomas and Friends. "The Sad Story of Henry" is the third episode of the entire series, and it's basically a crueler version of an old Edgar Allan Poe story. That is not an exaggeration

The plot centers on Henry, one of Sodor's many cherubic-faced trains. On a particularly nasty day, Henry decides that he's going to chill out in a tunnel rather than let his paintjob get ruined by the rain. Not super profesh, but Henry is far from the only one to ever feel the urge to stay indoors during a storm.

Sir Topham Hatt isn't having it. He's got a railway to run, after all, and they don't call you The Fat Controller if you don't demonstrate your doughy domain over your subjects on a regular basis. After a bit of back and forth, Henry makes it clear that under no circumstances will he leave the comfy confines of the tunnel. Taking a page from the Burger King Book of Wishes with Unforseen Consequences, The Fat Controller lets Henry have it his way. Forever.

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Henry doesn't think much of the threat at first, rolling his eyes. But soon enough, The Fat Controller and his men have bricked up the exit to Henry's tunnel. 

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I wasn't joking when I said this was like something out of Edgar Allan Poe. Those who paid attention in middle school English class will recognize this is straight out of "The Cask of Amontillado." That's the horror story in which a vengeful man traps a former friend in the catacombs by bricking him into a room, leaving him to rot with the rest of the forgotten. 

As you've no doubt pieced together, that's exactly what's happening here, but with one important wrinkle: Henry has enough room to see into the outside world. And the outside world can see Henry, wasting away, his engine dead. The few interactions Henry gets are from trains, living their day-to-day lives. They acknowledge Henry, but in a way that makes it even worse. 

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I'm not sure what's more sadistic, the train that takes glee in "justice" served for Henry's petty crime or the one that rolls on like this public torture is completely normal.

In the American broadcasts of this episode, the voiceover assures the audience that Henry's comeuppance is temporary -- but Ringo Starr's original narration makes no such promises. Instead, we're left with a disconcerting zoom-in set to Thomas' upbeat theme music, and Ringo leaves us with a haunting message: "I think he deserved his punishment. Don't you?"

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Imagine not showing up to work one day, and instead of being reprimanded or even fired, you're locked in solitary confinement for the rest of your life. This twisted authoritarian nightmare isn't just confined to this episode -- Sodor was designed like this from the ground-up, dating back to the original books. If you're interested in a deep dive, Jia Tolentino at The New Yorker has done a fantastic job of breaking down the overt fascist themes in the show's "lessons."

This story is terrifying in part because it's been with us for decades and nobody has ever really raised any concerns about it. Hell, there was a train playset called "Henry's Tunnel," in case you ever wanted your child to re-enact this twisted fable

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Note that the set comes complete with a brick wall with which to entomb Henry for eternity, just like in the episode. They don't make children's toys from the movie Se7en, but this is the next closest thing. 

It is worth noting that Henry is eventually freed in a following adventure, but there is no evidence of the prisoner's release in the episode in question. So if a kid were to catch The Sad Story of Henry out of order in reruns, for all they know that poor bastard is still stranded in the makeshift prison that was supposed to protect him from the rain. 

It only gets darker from here.


2. Vehicles are brutalized and dismembered all the time

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The island of Sodor's favored form of torment usually hinges on the psychological, but every once in a while the mildly wicked are brutalized beyond comprehension. Like everyone else in this article, these victims commit petty social faux-pas, but the retribution is unduly savage.

Take this brake van above, for instance. Yes, he is certainly a jerk, so much so that his official name is "Spiteful Brake Van." But his mean spirit doesn't justify him being literally dismembered on-camera in a train accident.

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Holy shit! That's the brake van's entire body crumpling like a soggy gingerbread house. True to form, just before this the Spiteful Brake Van was making it tough for adjoined trains to make their journey, but it was Douglas the train who slipped up and crushed his colleague. The narrator has the gall to say "no one was hurt" in the crash, referring to the passengers. The brake van's disembodied face would beg to differ.

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That's just the thing though -- the trains, buses and other vehicles of Sodor aren't treated like people, despite being living things with thoughts and feelings and desires. They're property, like dogs at best but more like livestock most of the time. 

Really, guys like S.C.Ruffey have good reason to be disgruntled. 

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If I were Ruffey, I'd be a little wary of having a nasty attitude on Sodor. Maybe Ruffey hasn't seen what's happened to those who misbehave. Maybe Ruffey resents the North Western Railway's harsh zero tolerance policy. 

It probably doesn't matter. You don't even need to know why another train intentionally pulled Ruffey apart at the seams. No context in the world is going to make sense of this horrific shitshow.

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I wish that I could say that a train car spilling its innards all over the tracks is the most messed up thing you'll see today. I wish I could say that. 


3. A train stumbles into a mass grave and is almost murdered

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We've seen how poorly the living trains are treated on Sodor, but dead trains have it even worse. See, the "scrapyard" is a set used in several episodes, and is often treated with a terrified awe by the local locomotives. In trainspeak, "getting scrapped" is a gentle, family-friendly way of saying someone became obsolete and was sent to the junkyard to be killed and gutted for parts. So when the plucky Stepney accidentally stumbles into the scrapyard one night, he is understandably terrified.

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The heroes in Thomas and Friends are trains. Kids are meant to identify with (and purchase toys based on) these lovable railbound vehicles. So it is a little more than concerning that this universe contains a place in which rusty train corpses can be found carelessly strewn about.

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This isn't a junkyard. This is a mass grave. Who were these trains, and how did they end up here? Judging by the stories we've seen so far, it seems likely that these bodies belong to those who made a snide remark to The Fat Controller, or maybe sighed a little too loud one day. Taking everything we know about Sodor into account, it's not a stretch to suggest that the lifeless bodies of the insubordinate were left out as a warning to the other trains to stay in line. 

The episode I mentioned earlier gets even more messed up when Stepney runs into two dastardly diesel engine bullies, who push their prey into the smelter shed. 

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This is where trains go before they're scrapped. The claw above Stepney is the last thing you see before you're added to the collection of carcasses outside. Make no mistake, the act of pushing Stepney into the path of this grabber qualifies as homicide.

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Of course, Stepney is saved moments before his demise and scoots safely home. For the crime of attempted murder, those bullies were sentenced to: going about their lives as usual. Sounds about right for Sodor.

4. The tale of the living boulder who wants to destroy everything

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This is a strange one, but the plot is too batshit to ignore. "Rusty and the Boulder" plays out a lot like a horror movie in which the slasher is... a giant angry boulder. 

Rusty tries to warn people about the ominous round rock sitting on top of the mountain, as workers mine a new part of the island. Nobody listens. And then we see this face fade into the boulder. 

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Now, it's unclear whether that's Rusty's imagination putting a train-like face on the boulder, but it does seem to have some kind of terrible agency. After the miners push too far, the boulder crashes down, stops for a moment and then suddenly gains speed, chasing down Rusty. 

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Rolling with incredible speed down the tracks and even across a bridge, the boulder appears to be barreling right for Percy. It misses, but only because Percy hadn't done anything slightly annoying that might warrant his body being pulverized by a runaway piece of mountain. The boulder's target wasn't the train, anyway -- it was the station. 

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After the giant fiery explosion rocked the station, the railway decides to put the new mining operation on hold. Rusty's once-silly suspicions of supernatural haunting gain a little more weight with The Fat Controller's last words on the matter before moving house:

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The Fat Controller knows more than he's letting on. Because we are offered no other reason or explanation for the boulder's malicious (and seemingly intentional) behavior, we are left to assume that this part of Sodor is haunted by a malevolent spirit that takes the form of a rampaging boulder to protect its territory. The boulder's exact motivations are unclear, but it appears to bear a grudge against the railway. Maybe the spectre of a train, abused in life by The Fat Controller, seeks revenge against its tormentor.

It might sound like I'm talking out of my ass here, but ruthless sentences like these are bound to produce vindictive ghosts.

5. The rude and annoying are instantly doomed to a humiliating punishment for all eternity

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Usually running five minutes long or so, episodes of Thomas and Friends don't have a ton of time to get their messages across. The production team needed swift, exaggerated sanctions for anyone who steps out of line so they could squeeze in a new morality play into a short timeframe. As a result, the island of Sodor is like something out of Greek Myth. Screw up one time, and you're instantly hit with a excruciating curse that lasts the rest of your life. 

Hell, sometimes you don't even need to do any one thing to have your soul destroyed on Sodor. In the case of Bulstrode the Barge, all it took was one character to say something along the lines of "Boy that Bulstrode sure is disagreeable, eh?" and fate immediately came crashing down on him. In the form of several trucks loaded with rocks. 

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This was an accident on the part of another train (who isn't even reprimanded for nearly killing a co-worker), but nonetheless everyone around rejoices. Cranky, moody and otherwise problematic vehicles are seen as a blight on Sodor, and any sudden misfortune they might suffer is basically a chance for self-righteous passersby to mock the unfortunate.

Bulstrode didn't sink, but he probably wishes he had. Instead of patching him up or even sending him to the scrapyard, the railway pushed him onto a beach and left him there. For good.

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Creepy Thomas the Train Episodes Darker Than Any Horror Movie

This brutal reprisal is, to say the least, a tad disproportionate to Bulstrode's minor infraction of "being kind of a dick." No amount of snobbery or cranky remarks warrants a Sisyphean punishment like leaving a boat stranded a few yards from water for all time.

Oh right, unlike Henry, there is no rescue for Bulstrode. His Wiki page is comprised of a single stumpy paragraph, ending in the sentence "He remains there today, most likely still grumbling." Even people who write Thomas the Tank Engine Wiki pages can't help but stick it to this dude. 

Of all the fates in Sodor, however, Smudger's is probably the most dire. 

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As you can no doubt tell from his smirking mug, Smudger is a giant asshole. He speeds wherever he goes, never discouraged by his frequent derailments. Smudger definitely deserved to be taught a lesson, but not like this. Nobody deserves to be turned into a generator and left behind a shed. But of course, that's what happened to Smudger.

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Look at that face. Smudger is just now realizing the enormity of his situation, the utter hopelessness of his existence from that point forward. It doesn't matter than Smudger may have learned a lesson, nor does anyone care that his harrowing experiences supplying power as a motionless generator might have transformed his outlook on life. Smudger will never get to show anyone he's changed, because this is Sodor, and rehabilitation isn't an option. Instead, Smudger stands as a cautionary tale that is intended to scare trains into behaving, lest they too be sentenced to a living purgatory. 

The worst part of it all? Smudger isn't even an visible example anymore. Not after the landslide. 

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The end of Smudger's only episode is capped off with a timelapse of his old station being retaken by nature. A few trains are hibernating nearby, and we are given a clear "To Be Continued" tease that assures us our heroes will make it out okay next time. And for the most part, that's true. All the trains are rescued. All except for Smudger, who is never mentioned again in the entire series. In all likelihood he's still buried in there somewhere, waiting under the dirt, wondering if anyone will ever come by, wondering if this is part of his punishment. It's not. He was just forgotten, along with any sense of humanity on the island of Sodor.


Tristan Cooper can be found on Twitter.



14 Oct 13:21

16 Funny Steam Game Reviews That Will Brighten Your Day

Alecbugg

The last one lmao

1. Playerunknown's Battlegrounds

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2. Cuphead

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3. Middle-earth: Shadow of War

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4. Counter-Strike: GO

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5. XCOM 2: War of the Chosen

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6. Life is Feudal: Forest Village

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7. Stick Fight: The Game

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8. Divinity: Original Sin 2

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9. Black Desert Online

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10. Playerunknown's Battlegrounds (again)

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11. FaceRig

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12. Dishonored: Death of the Outsider

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13. NBA 2K18

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14. RUINER

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15. Shovel Knight

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16. Stardew Valley

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14 Oct 12:45

Noah Baumbach throws the dysfunctional family reunion of the year

by Baraka Kaseko, A.A. Dowd, and Ignatiy Vishnevetsky
Alecbugg

New Baumbach Alert!!

Just about every movie by Noah Baumbach (Kicking And Screaming, Frances Ha) is a study of prickly personalities. But with The Meyerowitz Stories (New And Selected), which arrives in select theaters and on Netflix tomorrow, the New York writer-director creates a whole family tree of neurotics, then populates it with…

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06 Oct 23:08

The creator of Papyrus got a kick out of that SNL sketch

by Danette Chavez
Alecbugg

Loved this sketch

Ryan Gosling helped kick off the 43rd season of Saturday Night Live with a sketch about a man who was haunted by some of the design choices for Avatar. No, not the “nipples on a non-placental mammals” thing, but the decision to use a no-frills font like Papyrus for the logo. There’s nothing really wrong with Papyrus,…

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06 Oct 22:43

Conan makes Kumail Nanjiani cut himself in half in the latest Clueless Gamer clip

by William Hughes
Alecbugg

They should only do these with comedians. Kumail is hilarious. Game looks awesome too.

Another high-profile video game is set to arrive in stores in a couple of days—in this case, highly anticipated sequel Middle-Earth: Shadow Of War. (You can read the start of Matt Gerardi’s coverage of the game right here). That means it’s time once again for Conan O’Brien to joke and roll his eyes through another…

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01 Oct 14:16

Photo

Alecbugg

TRUTH



01 Oct 14:11

by Extra Fabulous Comics

Alecbugg

I like these

01 Oct 12:38

thriveworks:Dogs Freaking Out Over Fall (see 7 more)

01 Oct 12:11

A Freaks And Geeks documentary is coming to A&E next year

by Danette Chavez
Alecbugg

Still available on Flix!

In the 17 years since it ended, Freaks And Geeks has inspired the kind of passionate following that might have been lovingly sent up on the show—that is, if there were more dice involved. Fans regularly stream the full series on Netflix, and there are any number of features on its short-lived greatness (some of which…

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01 Oct 12:08

Amazon is making a Snow Crash TV show

by William Hughes
Alecbugg

Don't screw it up, yt

Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash is one of the great unadapted novels of modern science fiction, right up there with its granddaddy in the cyberpunk genre, William Gibson’s Neuromancer. Given how screen-ready some of Snow Crash’s most famous sequences are, though—most notably, the high-speed, action-heavy pizza delivery…

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18 Sep 12:16

Destiny 2 Xur location and items, Sept. 15-17

by Jake Lear
Alecbugg

XUR IS BACK!!

Destiny’s noodle-faced weekend exotic gear vendor is back for the sequel

Continue reading…

13 Sep 23:11

CB EXCLUSIVE: Here Are The Sixers’ New Red Uniforms

by Kyle Scott
Alecbugg

LOVE

Earlier, noted uniform expert and CB designer Conrad Burry tweeted a screenshot from NBA 2k18 showing off the Sixers’ new red jerseys, this after a grainy image of what looked to be the Sixers’ new jersey surfaced last week.

That looks about right. I obtained glossy images of the new uniforms, and they are straight torches in the desert. In other words, hawt:

Fashion editor Dan will have some thoughts later, but, like the Sixers’ other jerseys, these look amazing and are a perfect blend of classic and modern. They are different enough to add some variety while not being as offensive as the Doug Collins era block font.

The Sixers have embraced blue as their identity color over the last few years, so the red jerseys will serve as an alternate, but one that they’ll likely wear more this year than they did last year. A new promotions schedule will outline which uniforms they will wear for which game. They will in fact wear this on Christmas, as the league has done away with the holiday specific jerseys this year in lieu of the four Nike uniforms each team will have. They will also soon show off a new court that they’ll use on Friday nights, similar to the heritage court they used on Saturdays last year, and it will be paired with a fourth uniform that will be unveiled later this year.

Well done.

11 Sep 12:05

by Heck If I Know

Alecbugg

That kids got balls

03 Sep 13:18

4gifs: Snowflake vs the robotic spider. [video]



4gifs:

Snowflake vs the robotic spider. [video]

02 Sep 20:09

Experience the ecstasy of a man finally beating a Mario Maker level after 400 hours of trying

by Dan Neilan
Alecbugg

Must. Watch. The level is absolutely batshit insane, and his reaction is fantastic.

When you’re a kid, nothing is more frustrating than playing the same video game level over and over, only to watch your character die at the exact same point every time. More than a few game-controller-sized holes have been put into walls over just such frustrations. But, as we grow older, we start to realize that…

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02 Sep 11:48

Curb Your Enthusiasm saves a man's life in the trailer for Netflix's Long Shot 

by Sam Barsanti
Alecbugg

Pretty amazing

People might not recognize the name Juan Catalan, but a lot of people have probably shared his story as a “fun fact” while watching one particular episode of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. In 2003, Catalan was arrested for the murder of a 16-year-old girl, even though he vehemently denied being involved at all and…

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02 Sep 11:28

OnStar assisting agencies overwhelmed by Harvey

by Sven Gustafson
Alecbugg

And pretty efficient

Filed under: Etc.,GM,Safety,Infotainment,Technology

A six-person team at OnStar has been monitoring developments in the storm's path.

Continue reading OnStar assisting agencies overwhelmed by Harvey

OnStar assisting agencies overwhelmed by Harvey originally appeared on Autoblog on Thu, 31 Aug 2017 11:45:00 EDT. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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29 Aug 23:51

Free 18' Sailboat

by robot@craigslist.org
Alecbugg

Fantastic. And a great challenge.

Free 18' Sailboat. Grandpa was a sailor, missed the open water and so he hired a crane to drop a sailboat in his swimming pool. Time to get the boat out. Free to anyone who can remove the boat without damaging the block wall or landscaping. Serious inquires only. No trailer, no boom, no sails or rigging. Rudder? Yes. Still free. Thank you.

25 Aug 12:22

Live-Tweeting Of Soccer Match Interrupted When Social Media Manager Subbed Into Game

by Billy Haisley
Alecbugg

That's awesome

We’ve seen before just how versatile lower league soccer players have to be in order to keep their clubs functioning and their fans informed. Just this weekend, we saw another example when a Baldock Town player continued in the proud tradition of Sleaford Town’s Harrison Allen by dutifully tweeting updates about his…

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24 Aug 18:55

Thank you. (via joeyalison)





Thank you. (via joeyalison)

19 Aug 20:18

Oh no. (via KodeineCrazy)

Alecbugg

Can't believe it didn't work!







Oh no. (via KodeineCrazy)

15 Aug 12:15

“Let’s play a game…” (via nandaz01)



“Let’s play a game…” (via nandaz01)

15 Aug 12:15

Why pandas are endangered. [full video]









Why pandas are endangered. [full video]

15 Aug 12:14

No Man’s Sky players are meeting up for the first time, one year later

by Allegra Frank
Alecbugg

Jared, we're back!!!

The galaxy got a little less lonely

Continue reading…

15 Aug 01:07

This will haunt me forever. (via arealliveghost)

Alecbugg

This is the creepiest funniest thing I've ever seen







This will haunt me forever. (via arealliveghost)

15 Aug 00:44

Newswire: The Hannibal revival talks are really happening

by Sam Barsanti
Alecbugg

!!!!

Three seasons of a show like Hannibal seemed like more than we as a society really deserved, but we as a species are nothing if not very greedy when it comes to adaptations of very famous books that bring a revelatory level of style to an otherwise familiar story. People have been asking for more Hannibal since before the show had even ended its original run in 2015, but after years of vague promises and and teases, it seems like the mission to resurrect the series is actually underway.

As reported by Indiewire, series creator Bryan Fuller—who is currently working on American Gods—tweeted recently that discussions about continuing the series couldn’t start until two years after the last episode aired, apparently because that’s when the rights to The Silence Of The Lambs (and the various characters who first appeared in that story) will be available. In ...

10 Aug 11:50

Netflix will stop carrying Disney, Marvel and Star Wars movies by the end of 2019

by Julia Alexander
Alecbugg

This is disappointing

Disney will launch its own streaming service

Continue reading…

09 Aug 12:11

No Man’s Sky update coming to improve story, add quick travel

by Michael McWhertor
Alecbugg

Time to dive back in!?

Hello Games teases Atlas Rises content update

Continue reading…

08 Aug 12:27

Newswire: Weekend Box Office: The man in black fled across the desert, and audiences sort of followed

by A.A. Dowd
Alecbugg

That pictures from my hood :)

August is traditionally the quietest month of the summer movie season. Instead of opening big-budget sequels and other projects with a lot riding on their success, major studios fill the calendar with their less-expensive, often less-promising titles; not surprisingly, audiences tend to respond to this junior-varsity slate of B-grade blockbusters by keeping a tighter grip on their wallets. And without a Suicide Squad or a Guardians Of The Galaxy on the late-summer docket, this is shaping up to be a typically, even particularly, modest August for box-office returns. (Then again, who knows? Maybe they’ll come out in droves for The Hitman’s Bodyguard.)

Despite nearly universal critical disdain, The Dark Tower won the first weekend of the month, handily besting its new wide-release competition and ending Dunkirk’s two-week reign at the top. But it was a modest victory: The maligned Stephen King adaptation took home only $19.5 ...

07 Aug 22:32

Newswire: The funniest line in the Thor: Ragnarok trailer came from a Make-A-Wish kid

by Gwen Ihnat
Alecbugg

Damn good heartwarming story

It’s still a few months away, but we can hardly wait for Thor: Ragnarok, after seeing the poster and hilarious Team Thor shorts and trailers that inspire a new appreciation for Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song.” One of the best moments in those trailers arrives when Thor is ready to do battle against an unknown foe in front of Jeff Goldblum’s Grandmaster. The Thunder God is apprehensive, but soon breaks into a huge smile when he sees that his opponent is his old buddy Hulk: “Yes! We know each other! He’s a friend from work!,” Thor says.

As delightful as that line is, its origins may be even better. Hemsworth told Entertainment Weekly at Comic-Con that the line in question originated with a special visitor on set:

EW’s Julia Cunningham asked the Aussie-turned-Asgardian about some of his funny bits in the film’s record-breaking trailer, including ...