Archer Fact: Your authority is not recognized in Fort KickAss!

 

 

The American Poetry Review citation is not available on the APR website, although a version of it exists here. The irony of this apparent copyright violation is duly noted.  

 

 

kawaiithulhu:

fucking hell this cat knows how to throw a party

For some reason or other, perhaps because we used to update this blog, the lovely folks at Specialty Foods Magazine have been sending copies to Meatball and myself since 2010 or so. (Apparently a subscription is Very Official—both our subscriptions come to my house, which prompted my mail carrier to add her name to my mailbox. I think she can get on my insurance now.) We should probably tell them to cancel but it is an amazing read. My favorite coverline so far is this month’s:

ANCIENT GRAINS TO WATCH

Never turn your back on an ancient grain! Amaranth will cut you as soon as it will look at you, and quinoa is probably picking your pocket right now. Sorghum and kamut? Forget about it.

What I don’t get, and what I just realized is my point because I had Cheerios for dinner and crackers for breakfast, is that why the anti-carb cartels aren’t using ancient grains to their advantage. If you think about it, every civilization that once at those grains is dead. A true fact, and proof that carbs kill, if you ask me.

Colbert to Laurie: Advantage Colbert

nightvale-timelord-terezi:

sp00kyscaryshibe:

"where are we going today miss frizzle?"

were goin TA HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

*HIGHWAY TO HELL FRANTICALLY PLAYS* 

(via dpaf:video:via)

officialyahoo:

joanne is straight to the point 

ratak-monodosico:

Extreme Close-up Photography of Snow Flakes by ChaoticMind75

The Octopus That Almost Ate Seattle - NYTimes.com

He lunged at the octopus, grabbing one of its eight arms. It slipped slimily between his fingers, its suckers feeling and tasting his hand. He reached for it again, and again it retreated. Able to squeeze its body through a space as small as a lemon, the octopus was unlikely to succumb to his grip. He poked it with his finger and watched it turn brighter shades of red, until finally, it sprang forward and revealed itself to be a nine-foot wheel charging through the water. The octopus grabbed Mayer where it could, encircling his thigh, spiraling his torso, its some 1,600 suckers — varying in size from a peppercorn to a pepper mill — latching onto his wet suit and face. It pulled Mayer’s regulator out of his mouth. His adrenaline rising, he punched the creature, and began a wrestling match that would last 25 minutes.

blownspeakers:

tis the season.

(via reddit)

When Revlon launches the new ColorBurst Crayons, I’m speculating that it will be the Matte Balms that cause the most excitement. They’re colour rich, very smooth and even as someone who doesn’t like matte, I really like them. There are 26 shades in the total collection, including the Mattes, so I’m swatching a different category over the next three days.. there are just too many to put in one post.

Showy, Sultry, Elusive, Standout, Strong.

Unapologetic, Compex, Audacious, Mischievous, Shameless (spot that sellout!).

These launch for £7.99 on 22nd January into Boots and 18th February into Superdrug.

 

Fucked Up in Onesies is Charlie’s and my TLC tribute act

People! Enough with all the nudity!

Look, I've already told you that nude lips do women of a certain age no favors at all. Our lips are already thinner and less pigmented than they used to be, and our teeth are darker. Pale, pale lips need to stay on J Lo where they belong.


And what the hell. I like neutral eyeshadows. Blending three or four shades of cream, beige, tan, cocoa, OK, fine, NUDE eyeshadow is a great wearable look. I've blogged about it myself.

But Urban Decay is about to release a third Naked eyeshadow palette. They already have two, in addition to Naked Basics, which is just matte shades. (OK, I covet that one, but I'm making do with my Too Faced Natural Eyes palette because somebody has to set an example.) Because apparently, 30 shades of "Naked" eye shadow isn't enough; we need 42.

Among other things, this makes me wonder about Urban Decay's overuse of the adjective "Naked." It has turned into a cottage industry for them. They have eye shadow palettes, a blush, a highlighter ... how many Nakeds can there be? Maybe one for every single person on earth? Perhaps so. And how Naked can you be when you're covered with five pounds of flesh colored makeup? If I applied all the Naked products they carry right now, I'd look like an overweight, middle-aged version of the girl in Goldfinger.

Me and Sean Connery

As for nails ... I understand that I'm not the only one who has gotten sick of nail art and glitter nail polish and nails any color as long as it doesn't belong on a human being. So when nail blogs started showing lots of "mannequin hands," i.e., nails the same color as one's skin, I didn't mind. Then Dior came out with a collection of nude shades, and that was OK. Maybe even a little refreshing.

But now Clinique is coming out with 16 shades of nude polish. And a nude eyeshadow palette.

All of a sudden, everywhere I look, I see naked people.

Nude this, nude that ... bored now. I don't know whether the cycle of fashion is turning too fast, or the copycatting is getting me down. All I know is that the Clinique stuff hasn't even hit the stores yet, and I'm already sick of it.

annabellebanna:

omg i am laughing so hard at the Miss Universe costume category

you got poland lookin nice

Namibia workin it

Costa Rica goin big, what did you expect

Haiti fuckin rockin it

Great Britain got damn

Switzerland hell yeah

and then

….Miss USA.

we had to be a fucking transformer

This Riker-heavy episode (and yes, thank you to everyone who alerted us to scroll down) begins at his birthday party, where ol’ Rikes is entertaining everyone with a little tootling on the ol’ ‘bone:

Fifty bucks says young William chose this instrument because he could refer to it as his bone

There are quite a few uniforms in this episode, but we have some nice Beverly hair as she looks on in a motherly way, as the random man in a mustard wrap top from Chico’s looks on in an even motherlier way.

Mmmmm, grey cake

Everyone’s here to celebrate! Worf, Bev, Troi, Geordi, Wrap Top Guy, Some Lady with an Updo, and Weirdly Surprised Tall Hair Man That Is Probably Not Tim Robbins! It’s really a party now.

But the party is interrupted when something occurs. Something that requires an away team. That’s all you need to know. Riker heads down to the nearby planet with some others:

Planet of the Silly String Badlands

Some shit goes down and the next thing Riker knows, he’s waking up in sickbay. But wait a minute - is he looking somewhat more distinguished than usual?

No, see, it’s JUST for men. So it’s not gay at all

And that combadge - it’s different somehow…Bev, what’s going on here?

The role of Ma Ingalls will be played by Dr. Beverly Crusher

All of the aging in this episode is done via hair. No one is given even a single wrinkle. Bev here is sporting a sensible Old Timey Updo with Bangs.

Bev asks Riker what his last memory is, and he tells her. But his last memory was SIXTEEN YEARS AGO. Buh-whaaaaa?! He has some sort of amnesia virus that sounds extremely fake, even for a show that takes place on what is essentially a space navy cruise ship. It’s now sixteen years later than we last saw Riker, and boy howdy, have things ever changed!

LADY KLINGONS IN UNIFORM

FERENGIS ON THE BRIDGE

WORF

Thank god some things never change.

Geordi got an eye upgrade, which is a good reminder than even FUTURISTIC BIONIC EYES can be improved upon:

So glad he could “real eyes” what he was missing [rimshot]

Picard, of course, has been promoted to Admiral, and appears to give Riker some orders, looking fucking wise as shit:

Literally the only man in the world who can pull off a goatee

I like this new admiral’s uniform. The gold piping keeps it fancy, and the wide shoulder stripe makes everyone look a little more broad-shouldered, which we associate with power and authority because of linebackers and 80s businesswomen.

Troi has made it into the future, too:

Socially acceptable levels of female aging: engage

You couldn’t give her, like, ONE face wrinkle for realism, guys? Although I guess in the future the cosmetic surgery options will be so plentiful and cheap that everyone will just do it. Or maybe in the future, Science will have figured out a way to slow our aging down! That’s probably it. Anyway, we’ve seen an aged Deanna and she still looks great (for a while, anyway), so this is probably accurate.

Most of what we’ve seen so far isn’t too crazy for 16 years in the future, but what happens next is going to blow you away [please someone post this on Upworthy]:

BABBY RIKER

His name is Jean-Luc Riker, and he’s Riker’s son!!!! WHAAAAAA?

JLR is wearing a positively Robin Hood-esque green ensemble combining my loathed mock turtleneck with my beloved jumpsuit:

With built-in Teen Boy Boner Control Panel

Lil’ Rikes is a bit of a scamp just like his dad, playing Parrises Squares in a (much more enjoyable) one-piece outfit:

Boner Control Panel NOT included

This one is definitely a store-bought (and by “store” I mean “figure skating supply catalog”) unitard topped with pieces of rubber flooring, just like the grownups wore in this episode. 

While all this is going on, we have a Romulan ambassador asking Riker to give him some classified information. Riker, being from his own time, is suspicious, but everyone assures him that the Romulans are now GOOD guys, so he shouldn’t worry. One thing he definitely does not need to worry about are changes in Romulan fashion (really nailed that segue): 

Yep, still working that car-upholstery-and-seatbelt look

Also good on that admiral’s uniform: cute cuffs! Like Picard is wearing some nice burgundy bangles to complement the rest of the look. 

Riker’s beard senses that something is wrong, however, and he starts poking around. Finally, he finds a video in his history that proves to be very interesting. It’s his wife and Jean-Luc’s mother, Min: 

Seaside green and oxblood? That’s bold, girl. That’s bold

Min, I know you’re a mom and everything, but you just do not even need that seaside green short-sleeved mock turtleneck. No one needs that. Seaside green, incidentally, was a real color offered by Lands’ End in the 90s, a fact I know because I worked there in the 90s. I am almost 100% sure this piece was purchased there.

Anyway, does Min look familiar to you? No? Check this shit out and come back. It’s the same episode I linked earlier with the Parrises Squares outfits.

I KNOW. SHE’S A FUCKING HOLODECK CREATION.

So at this point, Riker goes a little nuts and is like “THIS IS ALL A LIEEEE” and the Romulans are like “hey man, you got us!! LOL”

LOLmulans

Romulan holodecks look weird, man.

Riker is moved to a holding cell with - what the shit?! Jean-Luc????

Now with tousled hair for a more derelicte look

Still in a shade of green, but this time skittish and untrusting, and he says his name is Ethan, not Jean-Luc. Do you guys think mattress technology will be the same in the future? It sure looks like it.

There is a chase and it turns out that Riker has been tricked AGAIN - there were no Romulans or Ethan or anyone else AT ALL and the WHOLE THING was the doing of:

Well, this is unexpected

This is a little alien boy who was abandoned here by his parents and basically given a souped-up holodeck. He’s just lonely! So he kidnapped Riker and invented a convoluted scheme involving Romulans?? Sure. The little alien’s name is Barash, and he is wearing some motherfucking beige. I assume this is a clothing-based indicator of his sadness and loneliness, because as we all know, beige is the worst. I do like those double sleeves, though.

Good rap sesh, son

Riker offers to bring Barash up to the Enterprise, which he does, and then the episode ends and Barash is NEVER SPOKEN OF AGAIN. 

Let us all remember Barash, and his loneliness. But not his beige. Put that out of your mind.

Lucia, our head chicken. Boss lady. We called her the Mary Poppins of hens; practically perfect in every way. I always said I’d build her a monument when she went.

Well, she went. I found her dead in the nest box this afternoon, not a mark on her. Heart attack, I guess. She was three and a half; we were expecting her to make five or six. I think she just awesomed herself to death, like a comet streaking across the sky.

I am sad. I shall drink now.

Well, maybe. Zombies generally don't keep you up at night and aren't obsessed about watching the same Dora the Explorer episode over and over and over and over again until I want to scream the "I'm the Map" song at every passing stranger.

Otherwise, this comic by ChoasLife is spot-on.

-via Yababoon

okaysizedbangtheory:

more unrealistic standards of beauty 

theclearlydope:

For what it’s worth I’ve used a Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco to get into a night club.

(via)