Krankota

Here we have some cobbled-together footage of old white people getting hammered in the 1960s, cheekily set to "Black and Yellow" by Wiz Khalifa.

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Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, where we take a look at the best and strangest stories from inside the food industry. This week, we bring you an assortment of truly absurd restaurant stories — the third of which is probably one of my all-time favorites for this series. As always, these are real e-mails from real readers.

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The worst part about this video isn’t that this poor cat is being forced to dress like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin or sit on a jaunty little Persian Carpet on a top of a Roomba — it’s that this is a boy cat. Yes, this is the infamous Max the Roomba-Riding Cat, previously seen dressed like a shark while chasing a duck. I mean aren’t they worried that Max is going to get bullied by other boy cats for dressing up as a princess? Or that he’ll grow up confused or even worse yet, he’ll — *lowers voice* — turn gay? SMH.

Kidding, obviously. If Max feels like he best identifies wearing a princess dress, then more power to him. Now excuse me while I watch this GIF on an endless loop.

Huffington Post

(Via Huffington Post)

Annie Lennox, who recently boiled down what Beyoncé does to "twerking " to dismiss Bey's feminism, was less specific though still not quite...right when when Tavis Smiley asked her about covering "Strange Fruit" on her new album Nostalgia. Popularized by Billie Holiday in 1939, "Strange Fruit" is a song about racism that vividly describes a scene after a lynching (the strange fruit is the black man hanging from it). Annie Lennox did not mention lynching in her description of the song to Smiley:

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Yesterday, one of my idiot friends told me that certain South Floridians have expressed interest in seceding from the rest of the state. Roughly 11 seconds of exhaustive Googling just now failed to turn up much evidence, but let's say it's true. Makes sense. The government's way up north, and apparently run by a combination of Jimbo Fisher and a rotating cast of whichever three other guys haven't landed on the wrong end of a Cops episode in a given week. And besides, Florida's so huge (and dongy!), it seems unlikely that even a competent, well-meaning legislature could account for the interests of such varied constituencies: They've got oranges and amusement parks and old people and Cuban people and footballers and surfers and alligators and just so many different kinds of shit happening.

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Here's twelve non-Ohioans (West-Coasters, specifically) trying to choke down some signature Ohio foods. There's a pretty broad selection of foods, here—Glier's goetta and so forth—but the centerpiece is the Skyline 3-way; they start eating it around 2:10 in the video. Spoiler alert: They think it's gross!

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One of the challenges of writing about things on the internet is having the discipline to contain yourself, for the sake of being able to call an item of work finished instead of knitting it into some mammoth all-encompassing rant about, like, American culture or capitalism or the human condition or whatever that will take you the rest of your life to finish, even though nominally it is about cheese-fries or the Knicks or a weird dude you saw on the bus or some other bit of ephemera. Striking a balance between saying everything about a thing and saying nothing about it, you know?—sometimes this is hard.

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We have some bad news for the makers of the Wizard Nose: This thing doesn't look like a wizard's nose, fellas. It looks like an old guy's unit.

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This video of Grover and Aziz Ansari is just ridiculous. Totally, totally ridiculous.

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A conservative think tank has embarked upon a quest to convince us all that women worry way too much about getting drugged and raped. This is an interesting hill to die on.

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Previously in this series: Alexandre Dumas.

You are a dog who has murdered just everyone.

You are a man. You are a man.

You are a woman, and no good to anybody.

You were weak once, long ago, in a land where the sun shone. Now everyone you know is dead.

A man once taught you how to love by beating you gently with his calloused hands. Now he is dead.

Read more How To Tell If You Are In A Jack London Story at The Toast.

Comedy Central

Last week Stephen Colbert took Google — and more specifically CEO Larry Page — to task for listing his height as an emasculating 5’10” on their search results when he has very clearly been a strong 5’11” since his teenage years. It was a glorious, random segment for Colbert to leave us with before taking this week off. Only during his week off, Google has fired back with this tremendous adjustment to their results…

Google

Well played, Googs. Well played. But watch your back, Page (note the second, even better joke). I imagine hope we’re just getting started here.

Via Huffington Post

This extremely chill carriage horse escaped from his oppressors in New York City this weekend, and proceeded to take advantage of his freedom by going on a morning jaunt down 11th Avenue.

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While attempting to tell the people of Edmonton, Canada what their weather forecast for the week looked like (note: horrible), one weatherman was left to deal with a scrappy dog who was having none of it. I'm a dog. I don't even get what he's saying. Let's play.

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Nicholas Brendon, 43-year-old former star of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was arrested Friday night in Boise, Idaho for "malicious injury to property," TMZ reports. He was also charged with "resisting or obstructing officers."

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A man who was wanted for stealing a car and shoplifting in Monroe County, Tenn. was discovered inside the dark closet of another person's house, casually eating a big bowl of salad, WRCB3 reports.

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Comedian Jenny Slate has brought back her most famous character, the adorably earnest little Marcel the Shell (With Shoes On) for a surprise third installment of his YouTube series. Slate's also-very-funny husband, Dean Fleischer-Camp, returns as Marcel's unseen, but very understanding interviewer.

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Because you've been good, here's a video of otters eating sushi from chopsticks. You're welcome, world.

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Vine is great. The Deadspin staff spends a good chunk of every work day sharing and laughing at Vines, and earlier today I asked everyone to share their favorite Vine of all time with me. These are the responses I got.

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Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to tips@deadspin.com.

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We got a lot of emails this week, but none were better than the one we received on Wednesday from a woman who calls herself K.G. We want to share it with you, not only because we admire K.G.'s free-spirited outlook on life, but because she is seeking assistance.

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The list of pumpkin-spiced items to which we are seasonally exposed grows longer every year: Since Starbucks opened the floodgates with the Pumpkin Spice Latte in 2003, we've been enticed, repulsed, and confused by similarly flavored vodka, bagels, yogurt, donuts, oatmeal, M&Ms, etc. And yes, this year they even came for our Oreos.

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Fort Greene is one of the loveliest, and most expensive, neighborhoods in Brooklyn. It's the neighborhood that inspired Spike Lee's anti-gentrification rant earlier this year. Wealthy Fort Greene dog owners will not put up with homeless people, in the park.

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This lovely woman *wrote a song about dentists and pretty girls and being scared of the dark. Then she grabbed her ukulele, plopped in front of a camera and went to town. And you know what, it was good, damn good really. Girl was rockin’ out for a few verses there.

But then her damn cat got involved, knocked over the camera. That’s when our heroine absolutely lost her mind.

*UPDATE: This a cover of Vance Joy’s “Riptide.”

REDDIT

I could stare at this photo, taken in Tyler, Texas, for the rest of the day (and will!). It’s like a Magic Eye where the longer you look at it, the more you see. Not only is our president wearing a turban and Calvin is peeing on him and the driver stopped short of spelling out “ass” (he wanted to teach, not offend), but if you look closely, you’ll notice that the banana is dangling from a fishing rod taped to the truck.

Honestly, I’m impressed. Horrified, but impressed.

Via Reddit

FOX

Two people have contracted Ebola in the United States. Both these people were nurses with close contact to patient zero, Thomas Eric Duncan. Despite all that, people are freaking the hell out. This includes the NFL, who briefed the New York Giants ahead of their game in Dallas.

“Our athletic trainers and team physicians have been briefed on the scope of the Ebola virus disease,” Pat Hanlon, the team’s senior vice president of communications, told the newspaper Wednesday in an email. “We have distributed a fact sheet to our employees and distributed similar information to our players electronically this morning.’’

Eli Manning added:

“With what we’re doing and where we’re staying, I think we’ll be fine.”

Let’s go through the checklist, shall we guys?

1) Don’t stay at the Texas Presbyterian Hospital…check
2) Don’t go into the room where the infected nurses are staying…check
3) Don’t have sex with the infected nurses…check

Pretty sure you’re good from there guys. Enjoy your stay in the Big D.

[Dallas Morning News]

Tom Wrigglesworth is a British stand-up comedian. Earlier this year while appearing on a show on the Science Channel, it was discovered by viewers that he bore a striking resemblance to Aaron Rodgers. On Wednesday, NFL Films released a video of Wrigglesworth making his way to Green Bay to meet with Packers fans to see if he could fool the locals into believing he was actually Aaron Rodgers. Later, he would end up at Lambeau Field to meet some of the Packers players, as well as Aaron Rodgers himself. The results were spectacular.

Aside from their throwing motions (and probably 50 pounds or so), the resemblance is uncanny. I wonder if Rodgers would be willing to fly to England to do some standup comedy.

“Oh thank you, thank you. Oh stop you’re too kind. I just flew in from Green Bay and boy are my arms tired.”

Make it happen, NFL Films.

Paul Rudd is from Kansas City (actually Overland Park) and seems like a pretty fun and chill guy, so you can trust that he knows the sweetest place to celebrate the Royals winning the American League pennant. And that place isn't the Power & Light District, Westport, or some over-priced joint on The Plaza. No, the place to be tonight is the kegger at Paul's mom's house. Don't worry about being out of place, because you're definitely invited. Everybody is invited!

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0-1 months 

• Capable of babbling at parents and other familiar figures
• Often seen speaking to a presence invisible
• Vocalizations come from someplace deeper and more primal than the throat
• Caul of silk appears around the face
• Soul impermanence

1-3 months

• Begins holding grudges and crafting crude effigies
• Sudden changes in breathing
• Minor shapeshifting

Read more Normal Milestones In Child Development at The Toast.