(about / previously)
Every month I interview myself using questions I find online. This month’s questions are from a Cancer Risk Check. I am thinking a lot about cancer lately.
What is your gender?
M
What is your age?
It physically pains me to write it on the internet, where everything is inscribed in stone and you are judged forever, but: 40. (Yes I know, before you even say it: I look very good for 40.)
What is your race/ethnicity?
Caucasian (This was the choice that fit me best from the list, I have never used the word “Caucasian” to describe myself.)
Have you ever had colorectal cancer?
No
Has anyone in your family ever had colorectal cancer?
I’m not sure. No one in my immediate family, but maybe my maternal grandfather? He died in the 70s, and whatever killed him seemed to do so faster than anyone could put a name to it. My only memories of my grandfather are of him dying, and it seems disrespectful to write the vivid and specific things I remember about that time on the internet. He was, according to my mom, a good man who had a difficult life. He may have died of cancer. It was a quick and difficult death.
Do you have an inflammatory bowel disease? These diseases are not the same as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).
I’ll say No but honestly some days I wonder.
Have you ever had colon polyps?
No and I refuse to google it.
Have you ever had prostate cancer?
No
Do you have one or more male family members who had prostate cancer?
I’m not sure. I think my paternal grandfather died of a stroke? And I don’t really speak to my father so who knows. He’s been in and out of the hospital more times than I’m sure I’m even aware of. He’s there right now, I’m told, via a Facebook message from my half-sister. Who, incidentally, has cancer. She just started chemo this week. That’s why we’re writing about this.
Have you ever had lung cancer?
No.
Are you exposed to secondhand smoke?
Not lately but back in the day, sure.
Which tobacco products do/did you consume? (Check all that apply.)
Cigarettes, Cigars
I mean cigarettes because of course, it was high school and we were dirtbag metalheads. But then we were bored and wanted to try something new and experimented with pipes and cigars. A favorite memory of my youth: two 16 year old boys drive into Hartford and go to the tobacco shop near the Hartford Civic Center. We buy some pipe tobacco, a few cigars. We’re checking out and the proprietor leans over the counter and whispers conspiratorially: We’ve Cubans. This guy! This business owner! OFFERING to sell illegal Cuban cigars to teenage boys! Who wouldn’t have appreciated them anyway! We screamed the whole way home. And also the “WE’VE Cubans” instead of “We have Cubans,” which promotes the whole affair to some lofty, rarified experience. Just, everything. I loved that guy so hard. Perfect human interaction.)
Do you currently smoke?
No, I smoked, but have quit.
How long ago did you quit smoking?
More than one year ago. Like 15 years ago to be more exact.
How long did you smoke?
I think ~10 years or so. Began when I was 14 or 15 and we’d sneak up into the apple orchard and just hang out and smoke for hours. It was great. I continued off and on through high school and college and a little after? Ro smoked when I met her and we had an only-smoke-in-the-kitchen rule and then eventually we both stopped. I don’t miss it, but I miss it. Or I miss the social part of it maybe. It gave you something to do while interacting with people, but maybe that has been replaced by looking at our phones. Maybe I just miss the not worrying.
How many cigarettes did you smoke daily?
Less than half a pack per day. It was only ever for fun. I maintained that I could quit anytime I wanted and I did.
Have you ever had melanoma, basal cell or squamous cell skin cancer?
No
Has anyone in your family ever had melanoma?
I don’t think so. Not sure how we’re defining family here at this point (or ever) but my only personal memory attached to the word “melanoma” is a phone call from my mom that began “So, I didn’t want to worry you, but I saw the doctor the other day.” (She was fine.)
Did you have one or more blistering sunburns during childhood or adolescence?
No. I’ve always hated the outdoors. It’s one of my favorite things about myself. And now it’s not even expected that kids will play outside unattended, so I was right all along.
Do you have 50 or more moles?
I’ll say no but I’m not looking, bodies kind of gross me out.
Are you outside between the hours of 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.?
Um. The choices are Always/Sometimes/Never. I’ll go with Sometimes? Because not ALWAYS, but also not NEVER. Question poorly phrased.
Do you wear protective clothing when outdoors?
I mean define protective. I wear clothes that protect the world from my body. But probably no?
How many minutes are you physically active each week?
I am less physically active than the above descriptions. (The descriptions seemed outrageously optimistic to me.)
What is your weight status according to the BMI calculator?
According to the STUPID CALCULATOR I am overweight. Which, come on. I’m slightly doughy in places but I look okay, let’s be real. Especially for a guy who never works out ever.
Do you eat more than 18 ounces of red meat, such as beef, pork, lamb and goat, each week?
No. And in fact I’ve never had goat or lamb (or rabbit or a bunch of other animals) in my life so I feel like I should get extra credit of some kind? Am I less at risk for spiritual cancer?
Do you eat at least 2.5 cups of vegetables and fruits each day?
I mean. That seems like a LOT of vegetables and fruits. Every day?
Do you drink alcohol?
Yesss
How many alcoholic drinks do you typically consume a day?
I did some math because this is complicated and it depends on my week. But generally I won’t drink Sun-Tues but then Wednesday is like Woo we made it halfway so that’s one drink, and then consumption increases on through Saturday? Is that fair? Let’s say 10 drinks over 7 days. 1.4 on average. I would say I drink often but not to excess. (It accepted the decimal number, woo.)
Results: Your Cancer Risk Check Profile
(Results disregarded as unhelpful. They said Good job quitting smoking, you need more information about your family history, more exercise, less drinking, and more vegetables.)
I mean all of which I already knew. I knew I am at risk because we are all at risk. Cancer seems like a “When” not an “If”. I want to know which cancers I’m going to get and when. And whether it will really even matter if I pay attention to what I eat and whether I exercise.
And we didn’t talk about any of the things I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about my mother’s cancer. I was 16 and so checked out, so un-present, so un-helpful. Knowing what I know now about my parents marriage in the years leading up to their divorce I look back at myself then and think: You could have been more loving. You could have been more understanding. You could have been more present. One day I drove my mom to her chemo appointment and she said “Don’t park there, there’s not enough room,” and I was 16 and wanted her to be wrong and I said “No it’s fine” and I scraped up both sides of the car. Like 5 minutes before my mom was going in for her chemo session. She did not need that stress. She did not need me. As a parent myself now I know I would not have reacted as generously as she did (and she did not react well).
Also my brother had cancer, shouldn’t that matter? He has tattoos from where they did the radiation. I feel like that should have come up in this interview at some point.
I went to visit my sister last week. She had just gotten out from her surgery. She was smiling, moving around. Kind of in shock at what had been done to her body. The word “mastectomy” sweeps away a kind of violence. I had never really considered it, what it’s been like for my mother, who decided against reconstructive surgery. Getting dressed every day, a 25 year survivor.
I have so many friends with cancer, so many friends who parents who have cancer. It feels like it should matter.
I mentioned the apple orchard where I used to smoke and hang out and climb trees and steal apples. The orchard was up on a hill, and in the neighborhood down below, everyone got cancer. Like, seriously, there was a period of time where at least one person in every house in that neighborhood had gotten cancer. Surely it was more than statistically significant? I assumed there must have been something from the orchard that had leached into the groundwater over the years. I don’t know that anyone ever looked into, did anything about it. What could be done? Later the orchard was razed, there are mansions there now. I don’t know anyone who lives there.
My sister was feeling good when I visited her, just after her surgery. Hopeful. She was about to start 13 weeks of chemo and then 5 of radiation. We talked about wigs. Hats her friends had knit for her. I thought: it’s not the cancer, it’s afterwards, that’s the difficult part. But it’s not afterwards, it’s everything, it’s always everything.