IKEA Monkey

President Donald Trump declared his support for the environment and scientific research on his first Earth Day in the White House amid harsh criticisms over his actions to roll back environmental regulations and proposed cuts to non-military spending, including at the Environmental Protection Agency.

President Trump is complaining about the “ridiculous standard” of judging an administration on its first 100 days.

If someone asked you to list behaviours that may help lead to a long life, you might say a diet plentiful in fresh fruit and veg, minimal booze, and regular exercise.

But when those who have actually reached the 100-year mark are asked to reveal their secrets, the answers are a little different. Take Emma Morano of North Italy, who died earlier this month aged 117 years and swore by raw eggs and staying single for increased longevity. Then there's 111-year-old Agnes from New Jersey, who says she keeps things ticking over with three beers and a shot of Scotch every day.

Now there's a new centenarian in town with another hot tip for extending the years. Ella Macleod from Glasgow, who celebrated her 100th birthday this week, says that reaching a ripe old age is all down to drinking rosé.

Read more on MUNCHIES.

Perhaps you recall Rachael Leigh Cook’s memorable 1997 anti-drug commercial, in which she smashes not only an egg, but an entire kitchen, in an effort to illustrate the deleterious effects of snorting heroin. Now Cook and her egg-smeared frying pan are back—but the message is very different.

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In these divisive times, a new controversy emerges: is Starbucks’ limited-edition unicorn frappuccino fun and exciting, or a dangerous sugar bomb? It’s a little of both. It’s a slightly watered down milkshake.

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When President Barack Obama invited people to dinner, it was always lame dorks like Oprah and Beyoncé and a bunch of dorkass so-called “Nobel Prize winners,” probably. But now a new, classy president is in the White House, which means the dinner party guest list is also new and classy. So it was that Wednesday night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock descended upon the People’s House, and proceeded to fuck shit up like meth-addled Juggalos.

In case you’re not familiar, Sarah Palin is the former half-term quitter grifter governor of Alaska, whose current job is telling her ghostwriter to put things on Facebook while she takes shots of Boone’s Farm; Ted Nugent is a “musician” who’s always threatening to murder Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, and he currently has Cat Scratch Fever, on his penis; and Kid Rock is this guy who used to date Sheryl Crow before she came to her senses. Like we said, CLASSIEST GUEST LIST.

Nugent brought his wife Shemane, Kid Rock brought his beloved fiancée Audrey, and Sarah Palin brought her daughter Bristol, because we guess Todd Palin is in the doghouse for failing to trap enough moose to keep the family fed for the year. Or maybe his fanny is still broked from his snowmobiling accident. Regardless, Bristol was there, being pregnant or not pregnant or whatever she’s up to these days.

As you can see above, the crowd of party animals took time to pose in front of the White House portrait of Hillary Clinton. “Make a funny face, momma and you boys,” Bristol probably said as she tried to figure out how to take a picture without putting our her Capri Menthol 120. So Sarah and the Nuge did their best “doy doy doy!” faces, while Kid Rock looked away from the camera.

Don’t worry, they also took a “serious” picture:

At some point during the evening, probably between appetizers (6 PM) and White House Pussy Grabbin’ Free-For-All Hour (7-8 PM), everybody visited “President” Trump in the Oval Office so they could see where he does his “work.”

For this picture, Bristol likely said, “OK, everybody stand around Mister President and led him read you something important,” to which Sarah probably replied, “Oh honey, President Trump doesn’t know how to read.” But everybody gave it a good try while Trump “read” his latest “presidential briefing paper” to them, which said “watermelon watermelon yooge watermelon the most tremendous watermelon, so many watermelons you’re gonna get sick of watermelons.”

Sarah Palin got to have her own one-on-one shot with Trump, while she reassured him that if presidenting gets too hard or it gets too hot in the kitchen, it’s COMPLETELY acceptable to quit things halfway through:

At last, Trump got a phone call from his real boss Vladimir Putin, so Sarah snucked over for a little nookie nookie with Jared Kushner. Now, we don’t LITERALLY mean Sarah tried to do nookie nookie to Jared, but she might have, if only to send Bristol a subtle message that “HANDS OFF, THIS ONE IS FOR MOMMY”:

Finally, it was time for a group portrait, to commemorate how there were literally more IQ points in the Oval Office at that one time than there had EVER been. Bristol … we guess she is still the photographer? Jesus, Sarah, why did you even bring her?

OH LOOK HERE IS BRISTOL! We guess they finally found Kellyanne or Spicey to take a picture of everybody. We don’t know who the people on the right are, and we don’t care.

And then they ate a dinner of meat chunks and Doritos, and talked about bombs and pussy and grizzly bears, until finally everybody passed out in a redneck puppy pile until Trump’s “Get up and play Twitter” alarm went off at 3 AM.

It was a very good night.

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[Sarah Palin on Facebook / Shemane Nugent on Facebook]

In a world filled to the brim with absurdity, it is remarkable that we’re somehow still talking about Rachel Dolezal—the white woman who masqueraded for years as a black person. It’s been nearly two years ago her facade fell and since then we’ve been inundated with absurd headlines about her identification as…

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This story was published in collaboration with the Marshall Project.

On Christmas Eve 2009, Luicci Nader, an 18-year-old from a wealthy family in Newport Beach, California, crashed his Ferrari, killing a cousin who was riding with him and seriously injuring two passengers in a tow truck. Prosecutors alleged that he was speeding, and in 2012, he pleaded guilty to felony vehicular manslaughter. He was sentenced to a year in jail, of which he served six months.

Rather than placing him in the notoriously violent Orange County Jail, the court agreed to allow Nader to serve his time in one of Southern California's "pay-to-stay" city jails , where—for a price—defendants can upgrade their jail experience. Nader's family paid more than $18,000 for him to do his time in a jail in the nearby city of Seal Beach.

---

I did my sentence in pay-to-stay because, first of all, my parents had the money. I come from a wealthy family, and we figured this would be easier on them—and on me, of course.

Also, I'm Lebanese, and in California, county jails are often divided up between whites, blacks and Hispanics. I was born and raised in Newport Beach—but what race would they see me as? I wanted to avoid that whole fiasco—all the fights, all the gangs. You get yourself in trouble in there.

The first night, I walked into the jail, and, obviously, didn't know anybody. All my life I've been around people that I wanted to be around. Everyone was looking at me, and someone said, "You look like a rich dude." "I'm not," I replied. I didn't want to tell anyone my story.

The jail is tiny. Sure, it's not county jail, but it's not exactly fun. You don't have contact with a lot of people, and on a typical day, it's like living in a small maze.

I'd wake up in the morning, make my bed, and go into the kitchen to make breakfast. I was taking care of everything; laundry, linens, cleaning, the work orders, and I was also the cook. I took care of all the tasks because most of the other inmates left everyday for work furlough. So I wanted to keep busy, or else it would have been hell, because I would have just been sitting there.

During my downtime, I would pray, read novels or play cards. I would pray to my cousin. It was horrible. We were together since little kids—we did everything together. Sometimes I would just go work out when I thought about that.

There was a small yard, and we used to play basketball sometimes. There was also a TV room and a DVD library, and we would watch "Friends," "Prison Break," other shows. I would talk on the phone with my parents everyday. We never had conflict over access to the phone because there weren't that many people. My dad paid over $6,000 for phone calls over the period I was there.

The officers seemed to respect me and even trust me. They were like, "Oh, you shouldn't be in here. We read your file. The system sucks sometimes." That meant a lot to me.

I was a sort of shot-caller in there, because I did the laundry and cooked the meals. A lot of people come in for drunk driving and other minor offenses. But there were also a lot of people that had done severe crimes, and they were all treated so easily. There was a guy in my cell who wouldn't say why he was there. When we looked him up, we learned he was a child molester and child pornographer, and they were letting him out on work furlough. I gave him meatloaf and expired milk for every single meal.

The officers one time were like, "Nader! How come you're mistreating him?" And I responded, "Officer, we both know this guy is a child molester." And she was like , "You shouldn't disrespect him, keep it on the down low, don't go too hard on him." I said, "If this was county jail, this guy would be dead by now."

The jail was made up of dorms, with three or four beds in most of them. In the morning, the work furlough people would get ready to go to their jobs. They would put on regular clothes and put their orange jail uniforms in their lockers for the day. There was no real privacy.

I learned how to control my temper in there. Now I deal with people a lot better, because life doesn't go your way all the time. I wouldn't have benefitted one percent if I had gone to county jail, where all people seem to think about is survival.

Still, if I had to do it again, I wouldn't go to Seal Beach's jail—I hear there are other pay-to-stay jails that are more lenient.

I asked Kottke readers to tell me the funniest stories they’d ever read on the web.

Now let me say this: I like to think I have a pretty eclectic sense of humor. I can go high or low, folksy or surreal, G-rated puns or X-rated filth. But some of you… let’s just say a few of you surprised me with some of this. This is some seriously weird shit.

NOTE: To narrow things down, I knocked out anything that didn’t resemble a story. I knocked out videos and focused on text. People who suggested comedy specials on Netflix — I didn’t watch those. I eliminated anything that seemed downright stupid, mean, or just not funny. And I probably dropped a few other links here and there because I closed the tab instead of saving it, or some other reason. This isn’t a scientific survey; this is a blog.

• “So You’ve Decided To Drink More Water,” by Mallory Ortberg. This is pre-Toast Mallory, and it has everything that made her a huge star in the years that followed. (Well, at least a huge star for us.)
• “Dogs Don’t Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving,” by Hyperbole and a Half’s Allie Brosh. It’s true. They don’t.
• “Climb Aboard, Ye Who Seek the Truth!” by Bronwen Dickey. A cruise for conspiracy theorists. Or, if you will, a “Conspira-Sea Cruise.”
• “Downton Abbey With Cats,” by John Hodgman. It’s not a laugh a minute, but this story has a core of melancholy that just makes it deeper and funnier over time.
• “Darling, There’s Something I’ve Been Hiding From You—I’m Jimmy Buffett.” Surprisingly, there was only one entry from The Onion, but it’s a pretty good one.
• “Everything That’s Wrong of Raccoons,” by Mallory Ortberg. This is right at the end of The Toast’s run, and it’s a treat. “I can’t be in trustment of a beast that clambers and waddles both.” Nor should you, Mallory.
• “The Wisdom of Children,” by Simon Rich. I think the best part of this is the adults’ table conversation as imagined by the kids’ table, but opinions may differ.
• “An Oral History of ‘Mad Men’,” by Clickhole. The oral history boom kicked off a terrific run of oral history spoofs by Clickhole. The one for Radiohead’s OK Computer and Michael Jordan’s flu game are also excellent, although after a few, they start to feel kinda samey.
• “TIME FOR SOME STORIES,” by davesecretaryatwork. This is one of those “maybe you had to be there” things, but these set of stories were lovingly carried over from the VivaVinyl.org message board to an Angelfire site that then went down, and finally found a home at somebody’s tilde.club page. Also, two different people nominated it. Who are we to judge what cracked people up in the days before YouTube?
• “An Insider’s Report on the Death of ‘Wilton North’,” by Paul Krassner. This seems like something somebody could have made up, Spinal Tap-style, but in the very early days of the Fox Network, there really was a short-lived late night TV show called The Wilton North Report. Conan O’Brien, Greg Daniels, Alex Sokolow, and other future luminaries wrote for it. I swear to god.
• “Oscar Fug Parties: Lindsay Lohan and Sharon Stone,” by Jessica Morgan. This is now a different kind of funny given the future career arcs of these two actors.
• “Something Close To Madness Case File #24: The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure,” by Nathan Rabin. A screening of a very strange kids’ movie gets even stranger.
• “The story of Amun-Re, the crappiest god ever,” by Joe Gola. I’ve never played the board game this is based on, but this is an inspired bit of message board fan fiction.
• “The Pitch Meeting for Animaniacs,” by Abbey Fenbert. “EXEC #1: How will kids feel when they watch this show? THE ANIMATOR: Disconcerted. Unmoored. Hyper-stimulated. Amused to the point of terror.” This is so good.
• “In Which I Fix My Girlfriend’s Grandparents’ Wifi And Am Hailed As A Conquering Hero,” by Mike Lacher. Maybe the most McSweeney’s story that ever McSweeneyed.
• “TOTO’S ‘AFRICA’ BY ERNEST HEMINGWAY,” by Anthony Sams. On second thought, maybe the competition for Most-McSweeney’s is stiffer than I thought.
• “My 14-Hour Search for the End of TGI Friday’s Endless Appetizers,” by Caity Weaver. Maybe the most memorable bit of nu-gonzo reporting of this decade. New Journalism had acid trips: we have mozzarella sticks.
• “The Alameda-Weehauken Burrito Tunnel,” by Maciej Ceglowski. This was 2007, but I say if we’re not building hyperloops to send authentic California burritos across the country, then I don’t see the goddamned point.
• “Anecdotal Leads for News Stories Reporting the End of the World,” by Hart Seely. Newly timely! When a friend recently passed this along again, I reached the end and laughed out loud for a full minute like, well, someone who’s facing the end of the world.

There’s still something to be said about the kind of humor that the web makes possible, or at least rewards disproportionately to other kinds of media. There’s definitely more short-form, densely-referential bits that somehow fuse tweeness and gallows humor than you see on television, or even in magazines, which might be their nearest successor. Some savage blend of The New Yorker and underground zines.

It’s a little like what happened to television comedy after The Simpsons showed up. Animation opened up the possibility space for other kinds of comedy, found a way for the weirdest bits of Get Smart and Monty Python to exist in their own separate universe.

The web had a similar effect. You could write anything. You could do anything. No sets to build, no pages that had to be filled. You had endless reflections by comics on podcasts and interviews and their own blogs and social media feeds about what made the funniest things funny. There were all sorts of new media genres you could lampoon, pillory, and steal from on the sly. You had greater collisions than ever before of different people from all over the world and every walk of life who brought their own traditions of humor and storytelling. Amateur and up-and-coming jokesters desperate to connect with friends and strangers. And an audience chained to their desks or stuck on a train or a doctor’s office looking to laugh. That’s just good gumbo.

Tags: best of the web   comedy

A major highway construction project was just delayed by a federal judge after rare bees were discovered in a preserve along its planned route. [ more › ]

Walmart hopes that they've come up with the next big thing with the debut of their new Crotilla. That's "cro" as in "croissant" and "tilla" as in "tortilla." If you haven't guessed yet, it is indeed a mash-up between a croissant and a flour tortilla.

According to a statement put out by the company, "This is destined to be the hottest mashup since tweens started asking for Labradoodles."

In appearance, the Walmart-exclusive baked good looks like a bit like the top crust of a pot pie. It's meant to marry the buttery flavor and flaky texture of a croissant with the "convenience" of a tortilla. Basically, it means you can make things like croissant tacos and croissant burritos but also regular sandwiches and flatbread pizzas.

Crotillas are made by a Walmart supplier, shipped frozen, and baked fresh in Walmart stores. You can find them in pack of eight for $3.98 in locations with a bakery.

Photos via Walmart.

Hello, and welcome back to to What’s Cooking?, the weekly open thread where you get to share your brilliant thoughts, advice, recipes, and opinions on all things edible. This week I want to talk about the meals you make when you don’t feel like chopping, cooking, or dealing with anything.

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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety

— u have won a bear (@jon_snow_420) October 28, 2015

Twitter, in principle, could have been invented at any point in the history of the internet. A big networked message board with an upper limit of 140 characters? It sounds like something a resource-conserving developer would have invented before web browsers existed. A few hundred people would have used it, and it would have been legendary. Maybe a few thousand.

A translation guide for software engineers (by btco@) pic.twitter.com/cOlVCmdne6

— Ikai Lan ???? (@ikai) June 1, 2014

Instead, Twitter happened in the early days of developing for mobile devices (originally, not even phones but pagers), when there were a critical mass of intense and casual users, and mass network graphs were quickly becoming the new hotness for software companies. You could get scale in a hurry, you needed scale after a certain point to survive.

First full day as Twitter COO tomorrow. Task #1: undermine CEO, consolidate power.

— dick costolo (@dickc) September 13, 2009

And so we have this bizarre new communication platform-meets-vernacular art form. Which may end up killing us all. But first…

Everything happens so much

— Horse ebooks (@Horse_ebooks) June 28, 2012

Jason joined Twitter in early 2007 and naturally, wrote about it intelligently and presciently here on Kottke.org. The first mention is in a kinda-sorta-liveblog of Steve Jobs’s legendary iPhone keynote, and makes Twitter sound like a new tech site. This is where I, personally, found out about it, although I didn’t sign up until a little later.

Playing with Twitter reminds me of blogging circa 2000. Back then, all weblogs were personal in nature and most people used them to communicate with their friends and family. If I wanted to know what my friends were up to back then, I read their blogs. Now I follow Twitter (and Flickr and Vox).

The reaction to Twitter mirrors the initial reaction to weblogs…the same tired “this is going to ruin the web” and “who cares what you ate for dinner” arguments…

When one thing (i.e. Twitter) is easier than something else (i.e. blogging) and offers almost the same benefits, people will use it.

As you might know, I am a full time Internet

— Horse ebooks (@Horse_ebooks) February 24, 2012

I’d completely forgotten about this post, and it’s totally amazing.

[One] way of thinking about how to choose web projects is to take something that everyone does with their friends and make it public and permanent. (Permanent as in permalinked.) Examples:

• Blogger, 1999. Blog posts = public email messages. Instead of “Dear Bob, Check out this movie.” it’s “Dear People I May or May Not Know Who Are Interested in Film Noir, Check out this movie and if you like it, maybe we can be friends.”
• Twitter, 2006. Twitter = public IM. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that one of the people responsible for Blogger is also responsible for Twitter.
• Flickr, 2004. Flickr = public photo sharing. Flickr co-founder Caterina Fake said in a recent interview: “When we started the company, there were dozens of other photosharing companies such as Shutterfly, but on those sites there was no such thing as a public photograph — it didn’t even exist as a concept — so the idea of something ‘public’ changed the whole idea of Flickr.”
• YouTube, 2005. YouTube = public home videos. Bob Saget was onto something.

I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy

— j. nalven ???????? (@JNalv) February 20, 2013

Some successful tweets seem predictable given the restrictions on the form — wordplay, pop culture mashups, classic setup-and-punchline jokes. But why are weird little micronarratives so compelling?

i fear my tropical fish no longer respect me after i accidetnally stumbled backwards & smushed my ass hole right up against their $3000 tank

— wint (@dril) March 20, 2017

TSA agent (checking my ID): "Hawk, like that skateboarder Tony Hawk!"
Me: exactly
Her: "Cool, I wonder what he's up to these days"
Me: this

— Tony Hawk (@tonyhawk) March 21, 2017

And on a platform packed with self-promoting brands, cynical media types, and actual Nazis, why do we love sweet, sincere animals who talk? (Wait, I may have just answered my own question)

This is Pipsy. He is a fluffball. Enjoys traveling the sea & getting tangled in leash. 12/10 I would kill for Pipsy pic.twitter.com/h9R0EwKd9X

— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) November 19, 2015

@brant they're good dogs Brent

— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) September 12, 2016

Ten years later, I don’t know why Twitter is, but I’m glad that it does.

Twitter: smell this, it’s awful

— Lisa McIntire (@LisaMcIntire) April 16, 2017

Tags: best of the web   Twitter

The east Tennessee man had just shot a squirrel eating the flowers in their backyard when his shotgun went off unexpectedly.

CHICAGO—Expressing gratitude for the many sources of emotional comfort and support, local woman Shawna Padden told reporters Friday that she is happy to have such good takeout places she can call when feeling low. “It means so much knowing that I have all these great restaurants that I can turn to for solace when I’m down in the dumps,” said 30-year-old Padden, adding that without fail she can count on Texica Tacos or Phil’s Grill to make her feel better after a rough day, even drop by her apartment. “It’s such a relief that I can just pick up the phone and Gino’s Pizza will be there for me, 24/7, no matter how busy they are.” At press time, Padden confirmed that she was no longer going to call India Palace because despite its good intentions, it somehow always ended up making her feel a hundred times worse.

Tweet source

‘Charging Bull’ creator says NYC, 'Fearless Girl’ statue violated his rights

“Speaking at a Manhattan news conference, Arturo Di Modica said he placed the “Charging Bull” statue in front of the New York Stock Exchange in 1987 as a symbol of America’s resilience following the stock market crash that year. The city later relocated the sculpture to a small public park area nearby.

“The bull represents strength,” said Di Modica. “The strength of America, the strength of the market.”

The iconic statue over the years has become one of the city’s most popular tourist attraction. But on the eve of International Women’s Day, State Street Global Advisors placed the new a statue of a little girl, hands defiantly on hips, in front of the bull.

The new sculpture virtually overnight became a representation of a lack of gender diversity and equality on Wall Street and in other  U.S. workplaces. The investment firm said it commissioned the artwork as a part of its call on behalf of the more than 3,500 companies that benefit from its clients’ investments to make sure their governing boards are diverse.

Created by artist Kristen Visbal, “Fearless Girl” gained widespread attention as tourists flocked to the site to take pictures with the statue. 

By March 27, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio agreed that the “fearless girl” statue would remain on Department of Transportation property as a part of a municipal art program through February 2018.

Many hailed the announcement. But Di Modica was far from pleased. He said “Fearless Girl” was part of an advertising campaign that altered the artistic message behind “Charging Bull” without his permission.  

“What they did, it’s a negative,” Di Modica said of the new message conveyed by “Fearless Girl.” Now, the message is “I’m here, what are you going to do,” he said.

Read the full piece here

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For more world-renowned reportage, visit theonion.com.

Inivisbobble sounds like something your 4-year-old cousin named their new invention, but it’s actually an incredibly genius little thing. It looks like a modified phone cord and it also looks like a hair death trap. The first time I saw one, I was convinced I would end up with half my hair in my hand by the time I…

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Wendy's Fresh Mozzarella Chicken Sandwich features fresh mozzarella cheese, balsamic diced tomatoes, fresh spring mix, creamy basil pesto, and a grilled chicken filet on a toasted garlic brioche bun.

I paid $5.49 for one.

The mozzarella offered a soft, slightly chewy texture due to the higher moisture content versus regular mozzarella along with a milky flavor. They managed to place a nice, even layer of it across the width of the sandwich.

The most notable and upfront taste of the sandwich was actually the basil pesto which delivered a strong and definite note of basil to go with the creamy tang of its mayo base.

The tomato were fresh rather than soggy and sported a slightly-sweet balsamic glaze that worked well with the pesto. Sliced might have been a better way to do though as the diced tomatoes tended to fall out with the slightest shift of the sandwich. The greens were fairly fresh and somehow managed to stay put this time around (usually I'm losing pieces of them while eating as well).

My particular grilled chicken filet was super thick and pretty moist with a nice, even coverage width-wise as well.

If the bun was garlicky, it was only mildly so in that if I didn't know the sandwich came with a garlic brioche bun I wouldn't have guessed it. It was nicely toasted though.

When it comes down to it, Wendy's Fresh Mozzarella Chicken Sandwich was well-executed and managed to hit the classic flaovrs of a caprese sandwich, especially with a surprisingly distinct (and enjoyable) hit of basil.

Nutritional Info - Wendy's Fresh Mozzarella Chicken Sandwich (232g)
Calories - 430 (from Fat - 130)
Fat - 14g (Saturated Fat - 6g)
Sodium - 920mg
Carbs - 33g (Sugar - 6g)
Protein - 40g

These photos were taken last Sunday during the Creative Grooming Challenge at the annual Intergroom trade show in New Jersey. It's a chance for dog and cat groomers to get together and check out the latest sheers and shampoos and such. Creative grooming is what it sounds like—elaborate, over-the-top displays of talent, technique, and dog-safe dyes that result in not only insane looking animals but also sets and performances that have taken months to prepare.

Nicole Beckman took first place in the Novice Division, and Angela Kumpe won the Legend Division. Congrats to them and also congrats to you for clicking on this and scrolling down. 

All photographs by Tayler Smith. You can follow her work here.

GRAND ISLE, LA—Unsure when he would feel such a compulsion again, local man Robert Malbrook told reporters Wednesday that he had no choice but to ride an unexpected urge to clean as far as it will take him. “I could be doing other things, but I have to take advantage of this while I still can,” said Malbrook, wiping down the counters of his kitchen and sweeping up the crumbs around the trash can in an impulsive flurry of activity that he was well aware could vanish as quickly as it came. “I want to mop the floors, scrub the stove top, even clean out the refrigerator. I simply can’t let this feeling pass. I don’t know how far this wave is going to take me, but I’m on board all the way to the very end.” At press time, Malbrook had stopped abruptly while washing his bathtub and moments later was watching TV.

Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure their messaging is being communicated to the public in a clear and transparent manner, the White House Press Office announced Wednesday that Sean Spicer has been given his own press secretary to answer the media’s questions about his controversial statements. “The remarks from the press secretary are being taken out of context, which is unfortunate, given the fact that he is in actuality trying to make very much the opposite point,” said Press Secretary to the White House Press Secretary Kevin Harrigan in his first briefing following his appointment to the role, whose primary duties include conducting supplementary press conferences after Spicer’s daily briefings in order to clarify and explain his comments. “If you actually look at the evidence from all sides—the substance, if not the entire whole, is solid, which is what he was trying to articulate all along. And that remains true even if the media is trying to nitpick his words and promote their own message. I understand the point, but it’s clear what he was trying to say with the aforementioned statements—even the parts he was referring to—and, um, I’m sorry, you can’t just pretend otherwise.” At press time, a contrite Harrigan was appearing on multiple morning talk shows to apologize for suggesting that if Syrian president Bashar al-Assad had a nuclear weapon, he might be the first to ever use one.

MIDLOTHIAN, VA—According to sources who weren’t born yesterday, home-improvement YouTuber Dale Hiseman reportedly wasted two whole minutes Wednesday explaining how to prep a deck for sealant as if viewer Anthony Cametti were a total moron. “Jeez, I’m not some goob who’s never weather-proofed a patio before—of course I know you gotta flush up any nails sitting proud of the surface before using an oxygenated deck wash,” said Cametti, who regretted watching Hiseman detail the “painfully obvious” causes of decay in untreated two-by-fours instead of skipping ahead to the two-minute mark. “Yeah, yeah, we get it. A light brushing helps loosen the dirt and reveals the grain underneath, which is how you know it’s time to crank up the power washer to 3,000 psi. For the love of Christ, stop dicking around and get to the stuff we all weren’t born knowing!” Cametti added that any idiot who couldn’t apply a pre-sealant brightener was probably too dumb to know how to play the video in the first place.

The new Dodge Demon goes from 0 to 60 in a mere 2.3 seconds, submitting the driver to 1.3 Gs of force.

Dr. David Dao filed an emergency 'bill of discovery' Wednesday to preserve evidence of his being dragged off a United flight by Chicago police.

A new complaint alleges rampant sexual abuse and harassment at immigration detention centers across the country.