IKEA Monkey

Chris Pratt recently made everyone on the Internet pause briefly from ladling buttercream into their now-slackened jaws, to gaze in wonder and frosting-stained shame at his sudden transformation from Parks And Recreation lazybones to Guardians Of The Galaxy’s lord of stars and crossfit. And according to a TV Guide interview, Parks showrunner Mike Schur was “as shocked as everybody” by what can be achieved by merely cutting out beer for six months (and then training non-stop every day because you’re getting millions to do so). And now it’s Schur’s job to figure out how Pratt’s ripped physique fits a character who sucks down Frisbees full of chili. 

“The only possible explanation for why someone looks that good is that they’re planning to play a superhero in a summer blockbuster,” Schur said, admitting that they went through something like this once before when Pratt toned ...

George Zimmerman and his family are now fearful of vigilante justice. "He'll be looking over his shoulder his whole life." Alanis irony or real irony?

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Operation Ivy is back, sort of. Though it existed for just a few brief years in the late ‘80s, the ska punk band has long been considered one of the most influential acts to ever come out of the California scene. Is one and only LP, Energy, is still considered one of the best punk albums of all time. Though half of the quartet—Tim Armstrong and Matt Freeman—went on to form Rancid, frontman Jesse Michaels joined some other bands and became a painter. He performed a few times with Rancid a few years back, but the group has always denied they’d ever reunite.

Never say never, though. Armstrong and Michaels have just released a new track together, which totally means (or totally doesn’t) that Op Ivy is just seconds from getting back together. “Living In A Dangerous Land” is a pretty straightforward punk cut, and while ...

[Photograph: John von Pamer

Franny's famous clam pizza recipe has shown up on Serious Eats before, but this revamped recipe in the restaurant's new cookbook shows what good a few years of tweaking can do. The concept is the same: steam clams in a wine and garlic broth till they open, reduce the juices, fortify with cream, and use both the clam meat and thick glaze to paint a slowly proofed round of pizza dough. But now the dough recipe has been improved, accompanied by detailed instructions for rolling, topping, and baking the pie. A final stint under the broiler gives the pizza a well-blistered crust, caramelizes the cream glaze, and singes the tips of the clams.

Why I picked this recipe: I am not a particularly confident home pizza maker, but I was drawn to the detailed, conversational instructions here. Plus, clam pizza is not something I eat every day.

What worked: This dough is super easy to work with and produces a well-flavored pizza with a decent balance between the crisp edges and chewy center. The topping was easy to put together, if a bit more time consuming than advertised.

What didn't: If your clams are gritty, you'll end up with sand in the glaze. If you're worried about grittiness, you can soak your clams in cool water for 20 minutes before cooking, or just strain the wine and clam juice mixture through a coffee filter before reducing it.

Suggested tweaks: You could substitute mussels or any other type of clam for the littlenecks called for here. If you don't want to eat four clam pizzas, you can use (or save) the remaining dough base for other toppings and save any extra steamed clams for pasta. The pizza dough can also be frozen after the first proof. Divide into four dough balls as written, wrap tightly in plastic, and freeze for up to 3 months.

As always with our Cook the Book feature, we have five (5) copies of Franny's to give away this week.

About the author: Kate Williams is a freelance writer and personal chef living in Berkeley, CA. She is a contributor to The Oxford American and Berkeleyside NOSH, and she blogs at cookingwolves.wordpress.com.

From Serious Eats: New York

[Photographs: Robyn Lee]

What's the greatest icon of Italian American cuisine in New York?

Pizza's so beloved it's gotten a culinary green card. Pasta and meatballs? You could make a case for it, but you could make the same case for it anywhere in the U.S. that you'll find Italians.

No, if I were to name an ambassador of New York's Italian American food culture, it'd be the hero. It's a gutbusting, cheap, and portable working lunch for a city on the move, and you can fill it with anything, from chicken parm to broccoli rabe to ham and salami, a form as diverse and colorful as New York's Italian community. And if we're talking about the hero's connection to the city, I think Ed said it best in his 2003 New York Times article on the sandwich:

We are a city of heroes. The rest of the country may clamor for po' boys and hoagies, grinders, subs, wedges or torpedoes, but New York knows what really constitutes a gigantic sandwich, and what raises the hero above those pretenders; what makes it gastronomic royalty.

Now the hero comes in countless forms, but when you're talking about deli sandwiches, nothing beats the Italian combo, a mix of cured meats with cheese, some combination of lettuce, peppers, and, tomato, and an oil-vinegar dressing. The meats are typically Genoa salami, prosciutto, and capicola; the cheese is most often provolone.

The Serious Eats office is dead in the thick of New York's Italian American culture—at least what used to be. It's no secret to anyone who calls New York home that today's Little Italy is as Italian as Mario the plumber. But still, with the thousands of tourists that pass through daily, you'd expect some places to do the Italian combo justice.

By our count there are four sandwich shops to get a classic hero in Little Italy. Two are new school—Parm and the resurrected Italian Food Center—and two are as old school as they come—Parisi Bakery and the century-old Alleva dairy. Prices ranged from $8.50 to $12, with sizes from gargantuan to dainty. Our thoughts in the full rundown below.

The Narrow Winner: Italian Food Center ($10)

A little history: the Italian Food Center used to be one of Little Italy's last old school delis until it closed a couple years ago. What's emerged in its place is new in all but the name: a cavernous, industrial-ish restaurant clearly aimed at tourists, with sandwiches, pizza, and pasta on the menu.

But we're quite happy with the sandwiches, and this is no exception. There's plenty of meat, thinly sliced, the porkiest in our tasting. Iceberg lettuce comes finely shredded—is there any better lettuce for a sandwich, and any better way to prep it?

The inclusion of a sneaky but assertive pepper jam is what won us over in the end, an unorthodox but smart addition to the sandwich's fruity, tangy, and meaty flavors. That and the price tag: we ranked this one very closely to its runner up, but at $2 less for a comparably sized filling-but-not-huge sandwich, it inches ahead to a photo finish.

The Close Second: Parm ($12)

Parm's Italian combo runs a close second, and were it a couple bucks cheaper you could call it an even race. It hits every element of a classic Italian combo: excellent ham, mortadella, and soppressata, all paper-thin; crunchy lettuce and ripe-ish tomato; sesame seed-topped hero with a nice toastiness (probably the best bread of our tasting); a whisp of oil and vinegar. It's a balanced sandwich, not too heavy despite its ample stuffing. Hey, tired of us talking up Parm? When other Italian sandwich shops pay the same attention to ingredient quality and proportions, we will.

The Surprise Success: Alleva ($8.50)

Alleva's sandwich was the largest and cheapest in our tasting. But it looks plain wrong: thick, unwieldy clumps of meat, an absence of vegetables save a couple strips of pickled red pepper, and a slip of balsamic vinegar that soaks right into the bread. It looks unimpressive, but we were surprised at how often we came back to it. Though thinly sliced meats make for an easier to eat sandwich, the chewy thick slices of salami here gave a pleasant resistance to the teeth, and the hero bread, though standard, holds up to its fillings well. The meager peppers and balsamic add more brightness than you expect, enough to keep this monster of a sandwich relatively interesting from start to finish. Though we'd be hard pressed to finish one by ourselves.

The Flunk: Parisi Bakery ($10)

We're big fans of Parisi for their great bread, filling sandwiches, and oh-so-New-York attitude (I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when a group of 20 Mormon tourists walked in for lunch). But this sandwich left us wanting. It took a couple tries to even get an Italian combo; our first attempt resulted in some cured meat and fresh mozzarella on bread, unadorned. When we finally made our requests clear, we got sloppy slices of meat, whole leaves of lettuce, and fat tails of red pepper with a sweet brine that decked out every flavor it came across.

What's Your Favorite?

We've just scratched the surface on the world of New York's Italian combos, and no doubt the going gets even better the farther you get from Mulberry Street. So tell us: where's your favorite Italian combo in New York?

About the author: Max Falkowitz is the editor of Serious Eats: New York. You can follow him on Twitter at @maxfalkowitz.

You: So you’ve met my girlfriend, right?
Your Friend: Yeah, a bunch of times. She’s great.
You: Yeah she’s the best. So I’ve been setting up this prank–
Your Friend: Wait, a prank to play on your girlfriend?
You: Yeah.
Your Friend: Why?
You: What do you mean why?
Your Friend: Why would you play a prank on your girlfriend? You’re both in your thirties.
You: Oh, I play pranks on people. Usually my friends. You can read about it in the SUPER long YouTube description of this video.
Your Friend: What?
You: Nevermind. So, I planted the seed of fear by telling my girlfriend that I saw a ghost in our bedroom a few nights ago, and all week I’ve been gathering materials to make this The Ring-style puppet–
Your Friend: Like that movie that came out 100 years ago?
You: Right, yeah.
Your Friend: Okay.
You: So I’m going to rig this horrible Ring puppet onto the television while my girlfriend is sleeping and then scream to wake–
Your Friend: Dude.

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Cry-Baby #1: Adventure Oasis Water Park

(screencap via KSHB/story via Reddit)

The incident: A woman went to a water park in a bikini. 

The appropriate response: Nothing/surreptitiously staring if you find the person attractive.

The actual response: The woman was ejected from the park.

Last Tuesday, Madelyn Sheaffer (pictured above, in her bikini) was at the Adventure Oasis Water Park in Independence, Missouri with a group of five other people.

Madelyn got into the pool with her niece and nephew. She was approached by two employees who told her she would need to put shorts on, as her bikini bottoms were too small. 

Madelyn, understandably perplexed, asked if she could speak to a supervisor. 

In the news report about about this, you never fully see Madelyn's bikini bottoms. But judging by what you can see in the above screencap, they seem to be fairly standard. I guess there's a chance they're crotchless, or have a photo of genitalia screenprinted on them or something. But I doubt that's the case. 

Madelyn was taken to an office to speak to a supervisor, who also told her that she'd need to cover up, or would be ejected from the pool. 

Cry-Baby #2: An unnamed beach supervisor

via Reddit

The incident: A guy saw two naked toddlers on the beach.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: He called the cops. 

Last week, writer Jeff Edelstein was at the beach in Spring Lake, New Jersey with his wife and two children.

As they were getting ready to go home, Jeff took off his children's bathing suits and hosed them down to get the sand off. His children are aged two and four. 

While he was doing this, he was approached by a beach supervisor who told him, "You can't do that here. Spring Lake is not that kind of place."

Jeff ignored him, and carried on hosing down his kids. A few moments later, he heard the man say, "I've got two naked people on the boardwalk" into his phone. 

Moments later, a cop showed up. According to Jeff, the beach supervisor pointed in his direction and shouted, "that's them!"

To his credit, once the cop discovered it was two toddlers who were nude, he didn't taze or arrest anyone (which, once again, is unusual for this column) and merely let Jeff and his wife off with a verbal warning. 

Which one of these dress code enforcers is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this little poll right here:

Previously: Some guy who (allegedly) tried to bite off another guy's penis Vs. will.i.am

Winner: will.i.am!!!

@JLCT

Life's too short for bad books.

That's why Goodreads has come out with an infographic to help budding book editors and readers alike tell trash from "Treasure Island."

Readers surveyed from the database said they jumped ship for a number of reasons, among them a little literary snobbery was more than evident, while others simply found some novels "boring," "immoral" or "extremely stupid."

And while E L James' infamous "Fifty Shades of Grey," has topped bestseller lists around the world, it seems that the 70 million or so who went out to buy the book (and a blank dust jacket to hide their shame with) agreed with the one reader who announced: "I am embarrassed for all of us."

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Rappers lie about how much money they have. Oh well — less money, fewer problems?

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Karen Cheng learned to dance in a year. Here's a video of her progress, from just a few days in to her final number:

Here's my secret: I practiced everywhere. At bus stops. In line at the grocery store. At work -- Using the mouse with my right hand and practicing drills with my left hand. You don't have to train hardcore for years to become a dancer. But you must be willing to practice and you better be hungry.

This isn't a story about dancing, though. It's about having a dream and not knowing how to get there -- but starting anyway. Maybe you're a musician dreaming of writing an original song. You're an entrepreneur dying to start your first venture. You're an athlete but you just haven't left the chair yet.

The interesting thing is, Cheng basically did the same thing in her professional life as well.

I decided to become a designer, but I had no design skills. I thought about going back to school for design, but the time and money commitment was too big a risk for a career choice I wasn't totally sure of.

So I taught myself -- everyday I would do my day job in record time and rush home to learn design. Super talented people go to RISD for 4 years and learn design properly. I hacked together my piecemeal design education in 6 months -- there was no way I was ready to become a designer. But I was so ready to leave Microsoft. So I started the job search and got rejected a few times. Then I got the job at Exec.

The first few weeks were rough. Everyday I sat in front of my computer trying my damnedest and thinking it wasn't good enough. But everyday I got a little bit better.

(via hacker news)

Last week, state television in Chile reported that an 11-year-old girl, identified only as “Belen,” is 14 weeks pregnant as a result of being raped (repeatedly, over the course of two years) by her stepfather, who has since been arrested and confessed to sexually abusing the young girl.

Doctors involved in Belen's care say the pregnancy is high-risk, but abortion is illegal under all circumstances in the country.

On Wednesday, Belen told a local news station (her face was obscured to protect her identity) that she wanted to carry the pregnancy to term, and that having the baby "will be like having a doll in my arms." She went on to say, "I'm going to love the baby very much, even though it comes from that man who hurt me."

In a move that completely sidesteps the murky boundaries of consent, coercion and choice for an 11-year-old sexual assault victim raised in a country without access to abortion, Chile's President Sebastian Pinera praised young Belen for the "depth and maturity" of her nebulously defined "choice":

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America is Number One in everything. We are the bestest country on the goddam planet because we have huge dicks and trucknutz and guns everywhere and democracy and robot drones that kill whoever the fuck we want and Osama Bin Laden is Dead and GM is Alive and Lee Greenwood and bald eagles and Honey Boo Boo and purple mountains majesty and FUCK YEAH! So naturally we have the best health care in the world, too, right? Take it away, Mother Jones:

A new study in JAMA … compares American health outcomes with those in other rich countries. Overall, we’re now in 28th place, sandwiched in between Chile and Poland.

There is only one logical response: SUCK IT POLAND.

Who else has better health care? Let’s see… Greece, which has a collapsing economy; the Czech Republic, which just became a country in Yr Wonkette’s lifetime; Canada, full of moose-humping socialists; and even Slovenia, which no one in the Sekrit Wonket Chatcave can find on a map because we were all educated in the United States,  like such as.

Fuck us, who did we beat? Poland, Slovakia and Estonia. Really? That’s who we beat? Feel the patriotic pride, people.

Between 1990 and 2010, among the 34 countries in the OECD, the US dropped from 18th to 27th in age-standardized death rate. The US dropped from 23rd to 28th for age-standardized years of life lost. It dropped from 20th to 27th in life expectancy at birth. It dropped from 14th to 26th for healthy life expectancy. The only bit of good news was that the US only dropped from 5th to 6th in years lived with disability.

You people already know the obvious solution to this quandary: REPEAL OBAMACARE. Because this is what the Republicans have been trying to do eleventy billion times. What is really interesting is the GOP health care plan, which we will lay out in detail below:

Yep. Great job, GOP. That whole “repeal & replace” mantra was just another in a long string of lies because you suck at governing and legislating and doing anything productive.

So good luck, Wonketeers. Go get your Obamacare, but just don’t expect too much. At least we are better than Poland.

[Mother Jones]

Okay, the concept of a “low-carb pasta bake” doesn’t sound very promising to begin with, but it doesn’t look so bad on the box. Reader Jeff bought it and microwaved it and ended up with a meal that….well, that kind of looks like chili.

Jeff tells us that you’re better off with pretty much any other brand of diet frozen dinner.

On the other end of the carbohydrate spectrum, over at the excellent site Tasty Lies, they got hold of a macaroni and cheese pizza. You know, a pizza with macaroni and cheese on it.

What business does such a terrible-sounding meal concept have looking so edible?

Tony’s: Macaroni & Cheese Pizza [Tasty Lies]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we don our swimming costume, head to the newsstand and dive into the deep, refreshing waters of the new celebrity tabloids. Kristine Gutierrez assists as we wade into Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week, three out of five mags jump the gun on the royal baby; Denzel Washington is "caught" cheating; and Lamar Odom is being accused of cheating on Khloe Kardashian. Again.

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In her slow attempt to capture fame from having actual talent versus creating a viral internet sensation, here is Rebecca Black singing Miley Cyrus's submission for the battle of Song of the Summer. It is...fine?

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Kanye West doesn't generally have much in common with the sci-fi and fantasy crowd. It takes a director like Guillermo del Toro to make even the most self-consciously cool public figure of his generation go all fanboy. After early test screenings indicated that sci-fi fans loved "Pacific Rim," del Toro's latest feature, West joined the chorus, noting that the robot movie was "easily one of my favorite movies of all time," and "not another 'Robot' movie. Guillermo del Toro is a master."

Del Toro is likely getting accustomed to that sort of praise. The director, who began his career with the horror films "Cronos" and "Mimic," has lately been seen as something of a visionary in the genre-film space, creating movies that, to paraphrase Yeezy, are more than cookie-cutter superhero or vampire or fairy-tale-in-1940s-Europe types. His "Hellboy" films, for instance, have a visual grandeur quite unlike the cut-and-paste CGI effects so familiar from every other comic-book movie; his baroque "Blade II" earned more praise than its subject matter or sequel status might have suggested (a typical review said the film was "ghastly yet wonderful"); his recent attempt to branch into the realm of history was the Oscar-winning and critically beloved "Pan's Labyrinth," blending fantasy with Franco-era human drama.

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From Chicago

View Serious Eats Neighborhood Guides: Liz Grossman's West Town in a larger map

As the managing editor for Plate, Liz Grossman keeps a pulse on what top chefs are doing all across the country. However, she still loves her favorite neighborhood spots in West Town, where she has lived for 12 years. "I've always loved the neighborhood because it's not as congested as Wicker Park/Bucktown but still has a lot of independent shops, cafes," Grossman says. "I always felt like it was less commercial and I saw that it had a lot of potential to grow." She is also a fan of the spacious sidewalks and plentiful parking. "I think it's a more neighborhoody version of Wicker Park," Grossman says. "I especially love Chicago Ave. I knew it was going to be a street to watch." And there are plenty of new places slated to open soon in West Town. Grossman cites Billy Lawless' new space on Halsted and Grand, a Greek restaurant and a new coffee roaster as exciting upcoming additions to the neighborhood.

Chocolate Chip Scone from Hoosier Mama [Photograph: Kate Bernot]

Breakfast: Almond croissants and coffee at Swim Cafe or coffee and scones from Hoosier Mama. Their scones are really good and often overlooked. They're up on the counter and they have different fruit scones depending on the season.

Coffee: I've been going to Sip for a long time. I ended up going there a lot more to work, write and sit in their garden. I'm also really excited because I think there's a new coffee roaster coming but I can't think of the name of it.

Hoosier Sugar Cream Pie at Hoosier Mama Pie [Photograph: Liz Bomze]

Pie: Hoosier Mama. I like the chocolate chess and whatever seasonal fruit pie, like peach and blueberry or rhubarb strawberry. It's so seasonal there, but it's impossible to get in. There's always a line. When they first opened, the word wasn't out but now on the weekend or a holiday, it's always packed. Call ahead if you want to get a pie for a special occasion. Otherwise I try to go on an off hour.

Pastries: West Town Bakery. I go there a lot. I loved Bleeding Heart before as well. I'm a big fan of the cake balls at West Town Bakery. They're the perfect snack size. I like the red velvet and they do a peanut chocolate with crushed peanuts that's great too. I was worried when it became West Town Bakery that the cake balls wouldn't be the same, but they're great. When you don't want an entire cupcake, this is great so you can try different flavors. They're all good. I have not tried their doughssant but I'm excited to try it too.

Italian Sub at Bari [Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Sandwich: I still like Bari on Grand Ave. They do sandwiches in the back, and their prosciutto and fresh mozzarella is one of my favorite sandwiches. Best place for an Italian sub. Swim Cafe is really good for lunch too and has good sandwiches.

Curry Roasted Cauliflower Risotto at Green Zebra [Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Vegetarian: I love Green Zebra. I've always had really great meals there and they have great cocktails too and they even have housemade sodas. They do a pink peppercorn thyme soda and seasonal non-alcoholic cocktails that fit really well with the food. They should start bottling their sodas and selling them. I've only been there for the tasting menu and it changes so much that it's hard to pick favorites but their pastas are really good and any vegetable soup. The asparagus tart is really good too, with melted sheep's milk gouda.

Falafel at Chickpea [Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Mediterranean: Chickpea is great. You wouldn't go if you're in a rush, because they make everything from scratch and take their time. But the hummus and everything else is really fresh. I'll get carryout from here too.

Coalfire pizza in the coal-fired oven. [Photograph: Johnny Auer]

Pizza: Coalfire. I'm not a huge pizza person, and I don't even like deep dish that much. For me, a good pizza is all about the crust. At Coalfire, the crust is awesome... the char and the chew. I don't know if it's the dough or preparation but I remember the crusts of pizzas and I remember that one. The toppings are fresh and interesting too.

BBQ Chicken Sandwich at Feed [Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Barbecue: Feed. I love their barbecue chicken. If I'm in the mood for French fries or barbecue bar food, this is the place. They've got pulled pork too but it's mostly chicken that I get.

Sushi: I like Yuzu Sushi and Robata. They have tons of interesting maki with toppings like sunflower seeds, broccoli tempura, and black tobiko, and rolls called things like "sorry I am drunk" which is actually pretty good with unagi, cooked shrimp, spicy mayo, black and red tobiko, chili oil and scallions. I also love the beef short rib and salmon from their robata grill.

Carne Asada Taco from La Pasadita [Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Mexican: I like La Pasadita on Ashland. They have a couple different locations. I like getting tapas there. They're very solid, straightforward and they're open late. I do a lot of carryout in my neighborhood, or if I have friends in town, I might take them. Takito is really good too; they have some great shared plates, like their hearts of palm salad and polenta side dish. And I thought the drinks were great. The ¿Por Qué No? was a mezcal, lemon and a blueberry purée and it's my favorite drink.

Fried Chicken at West Town Tavern [Photograph: Dennis Lee]

Date night: I would say TWO and West Town Tavern (fried chicken on Monday nights are amazing). But I think TWO is the perfect date spot. It's a lot of shared plates, and a really great menu. Everything I had there I loved. It's a nice atmosphere. When it was Black Sheep it was kind of dark. That spot is a little tricky and I think they did a great job of warming it up with a lot of natural light and it's got a fun bar. The staff is great and the food is phenomenal. They did a chorizo stuffed squid that was delicious and they have a duck egg pasta with duck leg confit. The menu changes a lot. Everything you try you will like.

Bar: Bar Deville has always been my go-to bar since it's very close. I just go with straight up classic cocktails. I had a really good Dark 'n Stormy and they make a good Sazerac too.

Sea Salt Caramel Gelato at Black Dog Gelato [Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Gelato: Black Dog Gelato. I love their goat cheese caramel cashew. It's just delicious. I usually do that with the balsamic strawberry or something light and more fruit-oriented for summer.

(Chris Rief aka Spodie Odie)

Airline security regulations mean that traveling with a big tube of toothpaste in your carry-on is a distant memory. Yet, in their selection of mini toiletries, hotels give us bottles of lotion and bubble bath, but not one thing that just about everyone uses: toothpaste. Why is that? No one expects them to give us toothpaste because they don’t…because no one expects them to.

Yes, that’s circular reasoning, but it is the actual reason. Slate’s Daniel Engber went on a tourism vision quest to find the answer, conducting an historical investigation into the question. He found that the reason why hotels don’t give you toothpaste is that hotels have never given you toothpaste. Yes, you can get toothpaste and a brush if you call down to the desk at a hotel nice enough to help out with forgotten toiletries, but they aren’t offered by default.

The default selection goes far back into the 20th century. At a trade conference for hotel executives in 1952, potential innovators showed off their mini toiletries to potential customers. There were jars of cold cream, headache powder, toothpaste, shaving cream, and the ubiquitous tiny soaps. (Headache powder, if you’re wondering, is powdered aspirin and caffeine. Sort of a quick-delivery Excedrin.) Some of these items caught on, but obviously the toothpaste didn’t.

Except at Hyatt. An executive pointed out to Engber that they do give guests mini toothpaste tubes by default. Toothpaste is also a default offering in Asia, and has been for decades. Why? For the same reason why it isn’t part of the normal toiletry selection in the United States: because it just is.

Executives admit that if customers begin demanding free toothpastes, they will start offering them. If it’s important to you, ask.

The Mystery of the Missing Hotel Toothpaste [Slate]

Hello Kitty and Godzilla aren’t the only unassuming critters to brutally conquer the Land of the Rising Sun.

In Hear This, A.V. Club writers sing the praises of songs they know well—some inspired by a weekly theme and some not, but always songs worth hearing. This week: songs about food.

Though Cibo Matto’s Viva! La Woman came out in 1996, it’s still a pretty weird record nearly 20 years later. Viva! is a celebration of the Japanese duo’s Italian namesake phrase, which actually means “crazy food.” Single “Sugar Water” was the record’s relatively modest hit, but the totally weird, totally ’90s clip for “Know Your Chicken” is what captured the general public’s attention. Part arty soap opera, part shitty rap video, “Know Your Chicken” is a visual homage to wind-up toys, anarchy, and personally slaughtering the food you eat. It’s a message that’s actually pretty prevalent now in the locavore movement, but at the time, the notion of killing ...

Bo Dallas on a motorcycle. Your argument is invalid.

This week, This Week In Horrible-Looking People returns to dive into the horrible, wonderful world that is green screen WWE developmental promo photos.

If you’re a regular reader of the site, you may know that WWE developmental promotions and wrestlers are basically my favorite thing. I lovingly recap WWE NXT every week and get called a “wrestling hipster” on image macro boards across the world for preferring guys like Fandango and Bray Wyatt to Chris Jericho and The Rock. Part of my love from them comes from having seen them come up in NXT, or even back in the long, long ago in Florida Championship Wrestling.

So I’ve put together a gallery of the worst, best photos of WWE developmental guys, be it from NXT or FCW, and I hope you enjoy it. If you aren’t already having seizures thanks to shirtless Bo Dallas on a motorcycle, please click through to enjoy 29 more of my favorites.

Richie Steamboat’s such a nice guy! Look at him lovingly cradle this dog!

WWE Developmental’s slogan should just be NOBODY HERE’S AS GOOD AS THEIR DAD.

And now the king of all FCW photos, “Bo Dallas takes a shit.”

Bray Wyatt in his original gimmick: Dan from ‘Roseanne.’

CJ Parker: “Hey hot mama! I’ll be back to pick you up in developmental forever!”

(Yes, WWE named a developmental guy after Pamela Anderson’s character from ‘Baywatch.’)

Reminder: Austin Aries wasn’t good enough to qualify for Tough Enough, but the pile of goo that is BUCK DIXON once had a developmental deal.

“Hi, I’m Brett DiBiase. I’m just like Ted Jr., only smaller, in worse shape and my legs don’t work. He’s the one with the personality!”

HEY GET OUT OF HERE I’M TRYING TO CHANGE

“No, for real, her ass was THIS big.”

This is Kenny Li. He is one of at least 50 Asian guys who thought going to WWE was a good idea, despite the fact that they’ve given Godzilla music and “lol you can’t speak English” gimmicks to every other Asian dude ever. Way to think things through, Kenny Li!

The weirdest thing about going through old FCW photos is how weird and naked the guys from The Shield look.

Yes, this is the ugly motherf**ker every female wrestling fan you know wants to bone. At least at this point they’d given him a jacket.

SUPER NAKED

You know, Roman Reigns’ constantly-pursed lips take on an entirely new connotation when he’s only wearing underpants. And when his name’s Leakee.

more like WORSE, am I right

suggestion for improvement: lamb mask

suggestion for improvement: clothing

Here’s Alexander Rusev, nailing the “my Aunt got me this and I have to try it on for everybody because it’s Christmas” face.

oh hello, nightmares

“Look at me, I’m in The Shield! Derp!”

Good old Corey Graves, or as I like to call him, “backup CM Punk.”

Ever wondered why Leo Kruger’s always smiling? Because when he’s not, his face looks like this.

ahhahahahaha and here’s Not Leo Kruger

Nice chest sheath, Big Poppa Pump.

his face is smiling, but his torso is frowning

WWE once employed Eddie and Vickie Guerrero’s daughter and made her dress like this, and this is like the 700th ugliest thing she wore.

I love you so much, Emma. Do they make everybody do this pose?

shit, I guess they do

do they make any of the GUYS do this pose?

Eh, close enough.

that awkward moment when you realize Fandango is the least embarrassing thing you’ll ever do

LOL Camacho

You’re welcome.

Dear Earth, are there aliens in the centre of you? via Flickr

Who doesn’t love a good old fashioned conspiracy theory? I’m not talking about boring shit like shadow governments or Bigfoot. I’m talking about hollow Earth. Upon discovering the theory that the Earth is hollowed out and full of highly evolved alien humanoids, my interest was at an all time high, but when I actually researched this conspiratorial concept further, I discovered its believers make up a huge community of those who oppose the scientifically-sound belief that the Earth is not full of superior aliens. There are a number of books on the topic, a metric fuckton of websites filled with Hollow Earth information, and even a society called the I.S.C.E. (International Society for a Complete Earth) based in Ontario who will be having their first convention in Ohio sometime in the near future (just in case you’re curious).

People have believed in the existence of a subterranean colony for a very long time. The most famous early believer of a hollow Earth is undoubtedly a dude named John Symmes. Johnny “Doughnut Hole in the Earth” Symmes wanted to bring a team to the North Pole to find one of the openings that he claimed led to the center of the Earth. Although this expedition was never realized, Hollow Earth fanatics have named the North Pole’s supposed porthole “Symmes’s Hole” in his honour.


via WikiCommons.

One of the only semi-notable first hand accounts of a hollow Earth emerged in 1947 from an American Admiral named Richard E. Byrd after he flew to the North Pole. After saying the North Pole was a “land of Everlasting Mystery," hollow Earth conspiracy theorists have inferred that the “everlasting mystery” he was referring to could only possibly mean that the Earth is hollow and, again, full of alien humanoids who are better than us in every way.


The Admiral. via Flickr.

Anyway, after reading through all the hollow Earth information I could dig up, I was still curious as to what life in the core of our planet is like and why people believe the Earth is hollow in the first place. So I called up Dianne Robbins, author of Messages From Hollow Earth and Telos, two books based on conversations she’s had with the Hollow Earth humanoids to find out more so I could expand my puny, surface-dwelling mind.


A map of Agartha. via Flickr.

VICE: Can you tell me more about the hollow Earth theory?
Dianne Robbins:It’s not a theory. The Earth is hollow. It is hollow, and in the center of the Earth is a central sun that is held perfectly in place by gravity. All planets are hollow, and they all have a central sun. There is much more land than ocean in the hollow Earth. That's how planets are created. About 400 miles down is where the gravity changes, so we stand on the surface, but when you're in the center, the gravity changes so you're also standing on the surface down there.

Wow, okay. Your book talks about a place down there called Agartha. What is it like and what are some of the different life forms down there?
Agartha is a network of 100 subterranean cities. There are about 120 of them all together. They are the Agatha network. Telos is a subterranean city and the other Agarthian cities are like Telos. If you read my book Telos, you'll learn all about the Telos network. They are physical humans like we are, but they live in peace, isolation, and seclusion, and through this they have gained their immortality. Because you can only evolve in peace. That's why we have been isolated on the surface.

Have you had any contact with them personally?
Yes. I'm telepathic. All these messages are dictated to me by Adama the high priest in Telos. All the messages are in my books. Then I've been in touch with Mikos who dictated to me from the center of Earth. All of his messages are in my book Messages From Hollow Earth. So yes I am in telepathic contact with them.

That’s interesting, how do you receive these messages? Do they come randomly?
I hear them word for word like how I hear you now. I never change the words. I just add punctuation and paragraph breaks. I write it as I hear it. They always tell me when they want to make appointments to deliver these messages. When I'm writing my books they're about an hour every day or every other day. But it's all made by appointments, so they know when I'm ready, and they're right there.

They sound organized, are they friendly?
They're just like we are, only they're very evolved. They are human and physical like we are, but very conscious.

Why would they choose to inhabit the center of the Earth?
Because it's beautiful. It's a paradise. In the center of the Earth there's everything they could possibly desire, like clean air and pure water, and the water has pure consciousness. There's no duality. Everything is perfect.

Are these extra terrestrials native to Earth or did they “invade” from outside of our planet?
They came from another star system. Every being and every species came from other places. After Earth was created, it started to be populated.

Okay then. I’m assuming that the Hollow Earth folk are way more scientifically, mentally and spiritually advanced than us. Is this true? What are some of the differences between us?
They have everything we don't. They have inner sight. They can see anywhere they want to see on the planet. Just like if you have bifocal glasses where you can see near and far, their eyes can adjust anywhere on the inside and surface, and when they dictate their messages to me, they're looking right at me.

They have a spaceport in the center where starships that make no noise and no pollution come and go at the North Pole and the South Pole. They can leave the planet whenever they want and fly to other places in the galaxy. They have everything. They have transportation, which is free of course, and they have pure and clean systems for it. They have transportation that's like a very small vehicle—like a snowmobile—that levitates and makes no noise, causes no pollution, and uses no fuel.

They also have pure drinking water, and the oceans have a pure consciousness. When they go in the water they can't drown, because they merge as one with the ocean. They can breathe underwater, and they never kill anything in the oceans, of course. They communicate telepathically with the life in the oceans and each other as well.


Conscious or unconscious? via Flickr.

That snowmobile sounds pretty sweet. So, wait, if we destroy the crust of the Earth, will it affect the center of the Earth and its residents?
I don't think it will go that far down, but it will affect many miles down. It affects the elemental kingdom that lives below. It affects the gemstones, gold, and diamonds that grow and are created under the surface. It also affects the gas spouts that hold the tectonic plates. Oil and gas is actually called "liquid light," and that’s what holds the tectonic plates in place. When they shift, they're supposed to shift easily without any bumping each other—that causes Earthquakes. There would not be any earthquakes, because it's a lubricant for plates. So everything we’re doing is affecting what's going on beneath us. Like when bombs are detonated, they go through the whole Earth. Every being, plant, and element can feel it.

Some people believe that Hitler flew to the center of the Earth to escape his fate at the end of WWII. Do you think this is a possibility?
Yes. That's what I've read. I personally have yet to receive that information, but I did know he knew about Hollow Earth and that the Germans did go to the South Pole after WWII. From what I've read I'll say yes, but I have never personally asked.

Really? That probably would have been my first question. But anyways, we’ve visited the North, and South Poles many times and only a few people have reported seeing these holes. Wouldn't they show up on satellite pictures if they were actually there?
They do show on satellite pictures. But NASA keeps those satellite pictures a secret. Of course they show. The openings are huge, but they have force fields covering them so they can't be discovered easily, but they do show. I have seen many satellite pictures where they show, but they are kept a secret from the people. You can see them clearly in the North and South Pole.

Are there any other entrances?
I don't think so. There are many tunnels and entrances all over the planet, but they have all been camouflaged. They don't want anyone to come inside, because it's their home. It's their domain.

I’m sure you realize that all of this will seem pretty outlandish to most. What do you say to people who don't take this seriously?
I don't say anything to them. I'm not here to convince anybody. You have to have inner knowing. Everything is a possibility in this world. I don't try to convince anyone. I don't say anything to people that don't believe in it. If people are conscious enough and open enough and then they ask me, then I'll tell them. Some people have belief systems that are programmed to think that we're the only ones in the universe, and I'm not interested in talking to them. They are not conscious of world around us.

On a final note, is there anything that the Hollow Earth people want to tell us surface Earth people?
Yes, stop the wars. Just feel peace. Just call for peace for the planet, because we can only evolve from peace. All people in the center of the Earth are ready to move into a higher dimension. They're waiting for the surface to find peace so we can all make our ascension together. They're waiting for us and we can only do it with peaceful thoughts to everyone everywhere.

Think aliens are real? Here. Go crazy:

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Alien Encounters of the Lunar Kind

I've Got an Alien in my Head