WASHINGTON—Explaining that the legislation would create major gaps in treatment for tens of millions of people, a new report released Thursday by the American Public Health Association found that anxiety disorders induced by Donald Trump’s presidency will not be covered under the new GOP healthcare bill. “Under the proposed American Health Care Act, those experiencing anxiety over the impact of the Trump administration on the economy, civil rights, or the environment, or just suffering from generalized distress over the future of the nation, will have to pay exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses for any therapies required to cope,” said policy analyst Jason Coates, adding that not even the groups who will need treatment most, such as immigrants, women, and the poor, would be covered. “Even as President Trump continues to enact more of his controversial agenda and make antagonizing public statements, millions will remain vulnerable to the resulting mental health ...
WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull. “Obama implanted a microphone inside my head to record everything I say!” Trump reportedly shouted shortly before three White House staffers pinned him to the floor and pried apart his fingers to seize the power tool. “You don’t understand, he can hear everything we’re saying! Obama can even hear my thoughts! I have to get it out! I can feel it! I can feel it! I can feel it!” At press time, staffers were panicking after Trump locked himself in the bathroom and began cutting his stomach open with a razor blade in an attempt to find the tracking chip he said The New York Times had ...
Maine dairy workers argued in a recent lawsuit that the lack of an Oxford comma in their contract rendered its overtime exemptions too vague and that they were thus eligible for overtime wages, an argument that won them the case. What do you think?
ARLINGTON, VA—Throwing President Trump’s 2018 budget proposal across the room in a fit of anger, James Scheri, ringleader of the Meals on Wheels America program, reportedly shook his fist in the air and shouted “Curses!” Thursday upon learning that his gravy train could soon be cut off. “Blast—my scheme has been found out!” said Scheri, his face growing red with rage after learning of the Trump administration’s plans to eliminate federal grants that fund his elaborate moneymaking swindle of delivering food to the homes of elderly and disabled Americans. “The jig is up! Now that those damned feds have gotten wind, what will become of the grand empire I have built? And what of all my many mansions and luxury automobiles? My life of Community Development Block Grant luxury might be at an end!” At press time, Scheri was excitedly rubbing his hands together after realizing ...
SARASOTA, FL—Saying that the plump liquid center had been broken and was trickling warm yellow goo on all sides, a report released Thursday found that, oh, fuck yeah, an egg yolk was dripping all over a sandwich. “Oh baby, just look at that,” the report read in part, adding that, hell yes, every ingredient in the sandwich was now soaked in the stuff. “Man oh man, it’s flowing onto the plate now. So goddamn tasty.” The report went on to say—sweet Jesus fucking yes—that a piece of crispy bacon had fallen out of the sandwich and could be dipped into the yolk.
SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days every month for reviewing and striking down whatever unconstitutional executive order President Trump has most recently issued,” said Robart, adding that having his carefully planned agenda repeatedly interrupted by responding to new illegitimate directives from the president would cause him to fall behind on his other work. “Analyzing an executive action, researching how it violates the Constitution and other established legal precedents, and issuing a ruling that stops the order from going into effect takes up a lot of time, so I’m making the process easier on myself. After all, I might be doing this ...
Weird that the oldreader is starting this halfway thru. I'd recommend the click thru, it's pretty damn funny.
Not only does she have a stove and a deep freeze, but both of them are brand-new. Now, I will admit that I bought those for her myself. But the point is that they are in her house, so she owns them. "Poor" my ass. If she was truly poor, she'd cook all of her meals over a campfire that she stole from someone else. A thousand tax dollars says she owns an iPhone too.
Jesus Tiny Baby God, I think I'm going to be sick. Look at that technical marvel. It has buttons and everything! How does she afford a brand-new iPhone like that when there's health care to worry about? Has ... has my mom broke bad? Is she doing some bad-breaking on the side? I mean, she has to be, right? There's no way she can afford this stuff without being a drug dealer. I searched around her place for proof, and ... BAM!
Oh my Tax God of the Dollarverse, what is going on? I thought I knew my mother, but this is too much. Here I am, working 7,000 hours per week in order to give the government money, who in turn gives it to her, and she's hoarding baskets of drugs like some sort of ... drug hoarder. This is the true face of drug-fueled poverty right here, sheeple, and you need to wake up.
I mean, for Dollar's sake, she's living a life so consumed by luxury that she has a toilet in her living room:
It's just lazy, and she doesn't even care. I decided to take action at that point. I grabbed her poop chair and stormed off to the bathroom to put it where it belongs. When I burst through the door, what I saw pushed me past my breaking point:
Her sink was dripping a steady stream of water, like she didn't even care that it was costing me money. Costing all of us money. When I asked her about it, she made up some bullshit excuse about not having the money to get it fixed, and that's when I finally broke, sat down and told her about Jason Chaffetz's financial philosophy.
"Look," I said. "You're going to have to start making some sacrifices if you want to have fancy things like heath care and food. It's not up to the government to make sure you're taken care of. This is your choice. You have a personal responsibility to get out there and earn your keep. You want medication? Then you're going to have to sell your refrigerator. You want air conditioning when it hits 100 degrees this summer? Then you need to un-paralyze yourself and sell your microwave, just like everybody else. So far, you've been getting away with living life well beyond your means, but it has to stop."
Then I stomped my mother's phone into dust, because the way I see it, that was bought with my tax dollars, and I get to decide what she owns and what she doesn't. Thanks, Fox News, for opening my eyes. And thank you, Jason Chaffetz, for finally making me realize what a mooching fuckface my mother is.
As NASA astronomers peer further and further into space, they require ever larger and more powerful telescopes to do so. That's why one team of researchers from the Jet Propulsion Lab have proposed using the biggest object in our solar system, the Su...
Love watching these. These and lava flows/eruptions.
There's something both beautiful and unnerving about a mushroom cloud. The United States conducted around 216 atmospheric nuclear tests between 1945 and 1992, many taking place in Nevada and the Pacific Proving Grounds. Now, rare videos of those deto...
Sunglasses may soon be able to do more than take your picture. At SXSW on Tuesday, Visa revealed a prototype pair that can be used to pay for purchases. A small NFC chip resides in one of the arms and is linked to the user's Visa account. So, rather...
Enlarge / Preschool age girl with cystic fibrosis sits with her mom while receiving a breathing treatment. (credit: Getty | Steve Debenport)
Just over the northern border of the US, patients with the same devastating genetic condition—cystic fibrosis—are living an average of 10 years longer, researchers reported Monday in the Annals of Internal Medicine.
After adjusting for differences among patients’ overall health, disease severity, and clinical factors, a team of American and Canadian researchers found that cystic fibrosis patients’ median age of survival is 50.9 years in Canada and 40.6 years in the US. Though the study did not fully assess the causes for the “significant survival gap,” the researchers noted that better access to lung transplants and healthcare in general appeared to play a role.
In fact, when comparing Canadian patients who have universal, government-provided health insurance with US patients who have private insurance, the researchers found no difference in the risk of death. But, US patients with continuous or intermittent Medicare or Medicaid or with no insurance at all had 36 to 77 percent higher risks of death than their Canadian counterparts.
WASHINGTON—As a growing number of interest groups, politicians, and media outlets continue to voice criticism of the proposed American Health Care Act, a report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found it was totally unclear if opposition to the bill from every last sector of American society would have any effect on whether or not it passes. “Although the AHCA has been condemned from persons all along the political spectrum, not to mention literally everyone else with an informed opinion, it’s still uncertain if any of that will have any bearing on whether the bill is signed into law,” read the report in part, adding that there was no way to tell whether widespread resistance to the bill from healthcare providers, Democrats, and both moderate and conservative Republicans would diminish in the slightest its ability to secure a majority of votes in Congress. “So far, the bill ...
ATLANTA—Noting that things get “really messed up if you cross Earth’s middle,” Shaquille O’Neal reportedly wondered Tuesday when people in the Southern Hemisphere have March Madness. “I don’t think Australia or Tokyo have March Madness for another few months, because right now it’s October down there,” said O’Neal, adding that the regular season would likely continue until the end of November, which he claimed comes immediately before March in the “under parts.” “It’s probably pretty weird playing basketball down in the bottom places like Antarctica. The ball spins in the opposite direction, and I heard the possession arrow is flipped, too. It’s all backwards and stuff. Plus, after dunks you have to hang onto the rim so you don’t float away.” O’Neal then cautioned that players in other regions of the world must factor in the time zone difference when ...
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by The American Economic Journal, you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you selfish goddamn son of a bitch. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” the report read in part, going on to say that these people need that money to survive and questioning whether you’ve ever even bothered to consider what their lives must be like. “They get paid like two bucks an hour, asshole—what’s so hard about slipping the cashier a couple bucks when you hand them your credit card? You tip your barber and your food delivery guys, right? So why the fuck is helping out the person at the checkout line such a big deal? Man, you really are a piece of shit.” The report concluded by recommending that you take a moment to imagine being a cashier and dealing with ungrateful pricks like you ...
Have you ever been using your iPhone and found yourself wishing it was heavier and more prone to viruses? Well, have we got a gadget for you. In the same way that Reese’s Peanut Butter cups brought together too disparate worlds, the Eye Smart iPhone Case crams a whole other phone on your phone.
It’s been 7 years, and the great iOS vs Android debate rumbles on—in internet forums and real life. …
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With 32 days to go, the Kickstarter project has almost met its initial $95,000 goal to produce this unnecessary accessory. The case is essentially an Android phone with a 5-inch AMOLED display, microSD card slot, 2800mAh extra battery, a couple extra sim card slots, wireless charging and it runs Android 7.1 Nougat OS. The iPhone plugs into the case the way it does in an average Mophie and the Android device uses it for its speaker, microphone and camera. It also can, allegedly, use the iPhone’s internet connection.
But why would someone want a separate phone that runs a different OS tacked on to their current phone? From the most practical standpoint, all I can see is those extra hardware options might be useful. Otherwise, the question comes down to whether or not the extra features available to Android users are really worth the extra heft (3.5 ounces). People in the iPhone ecosystem tend to give up some customization options and apps in exchange for more security and simplicity.
On the other hand, this thing does claim to charge the iPhone battery and doesn’t cost much more than a Mophie. Backers who pledge $95 can reserve the X1 Eye that does not have its own cellular connectivity. A $129 pledge reserves the one that can connect on its own. The offer of having separate connectivity might find some use among people who use two separate phones like... I dunno, smugglers?
As with all Kickstarter projects, there’s no guarantee that this thing will ever make it into the hands of the general public. But, I love a hardware hack and the promo video with a hip granny rockin’ her dual screen options is stupid enough to be fun.
Game consoles don't tend to have stand-out, killer software at launch, but Nintendo is bucking the trend again. The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild will be released in concert with the console itself on March 3, 2017. Not picking up the new consol...
If you're a data scientist or pride yourself on writing perfect database queries, there's a fascinating challenge tailored just for you. UN Global Pulse and Western Digital are issuing the Data for Climate Action Challenge, a unique contest that gives you access to an enormous amount of anonymized behavioral, satellite, and weather data. Your job, should you choose to apply and are selected, is to use that data to help society learn more about climate change, and how we can slow it down.
As UN Global Pulse and Western Digital put it in a release, “The challenge aims to generate original research papers and tools that demonstrate how data-driven innovation can inform on-the-ground solutions and transform efforts to fight climate change.”
Companies ranging from telecoms and social media analytics firms to banks and traffic app makers will contribute to the challenge through what UN Global Pulse calls data philanthropy, where companies release data that will help policy makers and serve the public good. Participants in the challenge can apply for access to data related to mobile phone usage, mobility and traffic patterns, satellite imagery, social media, weather, and more. The data sets themselves are privacy protected and aggregated for those purposes.
HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place. “It just says ‘Dryers are for clothes only’—what the hell happened here?” asked tenant Brian Mercuri, 33, who said the sign wasn’t there the last time he did laundry, indicating that during the past week someone must have done something “awfully weird” with one of the facility’s machines. “And why is ‘only’ underlined three times? Did someone try to dry a pair of work boots in there? Or a really big rug? Dishes? Jesus, would someone actually do that?” At press time, the sign’s original text had been crossed out, and the equally disconcerting words “Use machines at own risk” had been ...
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Oblivious to the unforgiving judgments being passed on him every single day, local 2-year-old Caleb Gibson is completely unaware that he is the sole basis for six couples’ decisions not to have kids, sources said Friday. According to reports, the toddler has thus far failed to recognize that his temper tantrums and messy eating habits have motivated several of his mother’s friends, as well as a couple who were eating near Gibson’s family at a restaurant, to go their entire lives without ever raising children of their own. Gibson also reportedly remains wholly ignorant of the fact that his behavior this past Christmas, which included shrieking for 10 straight minutes after not getting a cookie, was directly responsible for his aunt and uncle’s choice to never procreate, or that stories about staying up all night to take care of him are why one of ...
The spiritual successor to Apple's Thunderbolt Display, the LG UltraFine 5K monitor, which only started shipping out from the Apple online store this week, appears to suffer from a major fault: when placed within two metres (6.5ft) of a wireless router, the display starts to flicker; move it really close, and the monitor goes black and becomes unusable. An LG Electronics support person confirmed the issue, saying it "only happens for the 5K monitors we have, not other LG monitors."
If that wasn't bad enough, 9to5Mac's Zac Hall reports that his LG 5K monitor, under the duress of a nearby Wi-Fi router, can freeze the MacBook Pro that it's plugged into, forcing a reboot to bring it back. When he moved the router (an Apple AirPort Extreme) from beside the monitor to another room, everything went back to normal.
A support rep for LG Electronics confirmed that the 5K monitor can be adversely affected by a nearby wireless router, and said that the issue doesn't affect any other LG monitors. Hall was asked to place the router "at least 2 metres away" from the monitor, and "to let us know" if the problem still persists after that.
Although the Galaxy S8 won't be at Mobile World Congress, it's expected to have an unveiling sometime in March. But that hasn't stopped the leaks from coming. Today, we have yet another drip of info about Samsung's upcoming flagship.
After showing off pictures with the screen off, Twitter user "Ice Universe" has some convincing pictures of the device with the screen on. They give us a great idea of just how slim the bezels are, and we can see the rounded display corners, just like the Xiaomi Mi Mix and the upcoming LG G6.
On Tuesday, AOL (yes, it’s still around) suddenly announced to users of AOL Instant Messenger (including yours truly) that it would be disabling older, and less-secure access to its network through at least one third-party messaging app (Adium) as of March 28.
UPDATE Wednesday 3:40pm ET: Specifically, the company is yanking support for the MD5 hash function associated with password authentication. For nearly a decade, that function has been dubbed as "cryptographically broken." Some third-party chat apps like Adium, Trillian, or Pidgin had been using MD5 to authenticate logins.
In a message posted to an e-mail list called "pidgin support," Donald Le, AIM's tech director, wrote last October:
As NASA astronomers peer further and further into space, they require ever larger and more powerful telescopes to do so. That's why one team of researchers from the Jet Propulsion Lab have proposed using the biggest object in our solar system, the Su...
There's something both beautiful and unnerving about a mushroom cloud. The United States conducted around 216 atmospheric nuclear tests between 1945 and 1992, many taking place in Nevada and the Pacific Proving Grounds. Now, rare videos of those deto...
Sunglasses may soon be able to do more than take your picture. At SXSW on Tuesday, Visa revealed a prototype pair that can be used to pay for purchases. A small NFC chip resides in one of the arms and is linked to the user's Visa account. So, rather...
Game consoles don't tend to have stand-out, killer software at launch, but Nintendo is bucking the trend again. The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild will be released in concert with the console itself on March 3, 2017. Not picking up the new consol...
