Matt.weiland

5.01 - “A Little Kiss”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get all the credit.”

Sorry it’s been a while. 

It's been quite a year for Mickey Mantle bats. Earlier, we had the corked-bat auction and now we have this: a bat allegedly signed by The Mick with the note "Merry Christmas cocksucker."

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jeffrubinjeffrubin:

Someone tested George-Michael’s “unfailing internal clock."

For today’s installment of 73 Sports Movies in 73 Days, we’re going with the 1988 horse racing/stock market comedy Hot to Trot, which starred Bobcat Goldthwait as Fred Chaney, a bumbling loser who inherits half of the stock brokerage owned by his dick of a stepfather, Walter Sawyer, played by one of the 80s’ greatest movie villain actors – Dabney Coleman.

In fact, Fred’s mother left him half of the brokerage and one horse when she passed away, and that horse just so happened to become the best friend that Fred ever had. That’s because that horse could talk and he sounded just like John Candy. But instead of just explaining this movie’s incredibly strange plot to you, I thought we’d take a look back into the meeting between the Warner Bros. executive who greenlit Hot to Trot and its writer.

First, two quick, fun facts about Hot to Trot:

1) Hot to Trot’s director Michael Dinner is one of the executive producers of FX’s hit drama Justified, and he has directed five episodes, as well as the pilot of Sons of Anarchy.

2) The film’s script is attributed to four writers, but the story and script were ultimately the brainchild of Hugo Gilbert and, wait for it… Stephen Neigher. While he wrote for a variety of TV series, the only film ever written by Stephen Neigher was about a talking horse. This seems very important to me in determining where the idea came from.

That said, here’s how I imagine this brainstorming session going down.

INT. WARNER BROS. OFFICES – DAY

TV writer Stephen Neigher enters Assistant Vice President of Project Development Chet Chesterton’s office.

Chet: “All right, whatever your name is, I’m a busy man and don’t have all day. You’ve got an idea? Spit it out!”

Stephen: “Okay, well sir, it’s a movie about a horse.”

Chet: (emptying some white powder on to his desk) “I’ve got a million stories about horses. Some of them involve human women. They’re gross, but I’ve got ‘em. Why the f*ck do I want your horse?”

Stephen: “Because my horse is no ordinary horse…”

Chet: (snorts a foot-long line of cocaine) “OH F*CK YES!!! Now, your horse – does he fly? Is he a robot horse? Does he breathe under water?”

Stephen: “No sir, he talks.”

Chet: (snorts another long line of cocaine) “GOD THAT’S THE SH*T RIGHT THERE!!! A talking horse? Like Mr. Ed! I like it, an old premise with a modern twist. What else?”

Stephen: “And everyone thinks he’s worthless, because nobody knows he talks, but then this guy Fred inherits him and they become friends.”

Chet: (pulls a large Ziploc bag of cocaine out of his desk, empties it on the desk) “I got the perfect young comic to play Fred. Name’s Bobcat. Did coke with him last week and he helped me bury a whore in the desert. Great kid. And for the bad guy, we’ll get Dabney Coleman. I’ve got him locked up on a 30-picture dickhead villain deal.”

Stephen: “So Fred gets half of his stepdad’s company and they hate each other, but Fred and Don…”

Chet: (pulls his face out of the pile of cocaine) “Who the f*ck is Don?”

Stephen: “Oh, he’s the horse. That’s his name – Don.”

Chet: (wipes the blood away from his nose and eyes) “DON?!?! That’s f*cking amazing! It’s so simple, nobody would ever think about naming a horse Don!”

Stephen: “That’s right. So Don starts tipping Fred off to stocks that he overhears people talking about around the stable, because everyone goes to the stable to have affairs, for some reason.”

Chet: (suddenly shirtless with clothespins on his nipples) “Not me. Know where I go? The dressing rooms at Macy’s. I put a glory hole in the last one and visit it three times a week.”

Stephen: “That’s great. Sawyer makes a couple bad offers to Fred for his half of the company, so Fred decides to become a partner, and Don immediately overhears a tip about a big takeover and calls it into Fred. That ends up being Fred’s big score and it makes him an instant player.”

Chet: (scooping two handfuls of cocaine into his mouth) “That’s what America wants these days – instant wealth! This is the perfect 80s story!”

Stephen: “And then Don moves into Fred’s new penthouse…”

Chet: (spits out a cloud of cocaine) “THEY’RE ROOMMATES! A f*cking horse living with a man! That’s brilliant!”

Stephen: “Sure, and Don’s a wise guy and likes to have a good time, which leads to crazy parties with other talking animals.”

Chet: (snaps out of his daze) “That’s the most beautiful movie scene I’ve ever imagined. I mean, where the hell do the animals come from? WHO CARES! They’re f*cking party animals!”

Stephen: “But Sawyer and his crony will do anything to ruin Fred now, including screwing him over when he tells everyone to invest in some oats that Don loves. Oats are something that people buy stocks for, right?”

Chet: (mixes two tablespoons of cocaine into a coffee mug filled with cocaine) “Of course. People buy stocks for everything. While you were talking, I just bought 1,000 shares of you. I own you now. Come here and suck my d*ck. I’m kidding. But not really. But seriously. So Sawyer ruins Fred?”

Stephen: “Uh… yes. They trick him into investing all of his money into some bad oats and he gets trapped somewhere…”

Chet: (rubbing vapor rub on his chest) “How about a bathroom? I got locked in a bathroom once and had to climb out on to the ledge of a skyscraper. But it turns out it didn’t happen and I was naked in a sandbox at a playground.”

Stephen: “So like, Fred’s broke now, and he doesn’t want to talk to Don anymore. But Fred’s girlfriend, who works for Sawyer, finds out what Sawyer did and takes Don to find Fred and tell him.”

Chet: (applying war paint to face and arms) “There’s a girl? Is she hot? Of course she is. But not too hot, because those girls are trouble. It’s like women think they have rights all of a sudden. Used to be I could offer some young broad a leading role for a quicky in the hot tub and now they want ‘contracts’ and ‘money’, too.”

Stephen: “Okay. Well, Sawyer has this champion racehorse that he’s gonna run in the El Segundo Stakes and he’s a sure thing. But Fred bets Sawyer that Don will win after Fred calls him a chicken.”

Chet: (with garden hoses sticking out of each nostril and leading to two whiskey barrels filled with cocaine) “He should call him a chicken sh*t! Someone called me a chicken sh*t once and I stabbed him in the throat. Nobody calls me a chicken sh*t. Turns out that guy was the president of MGM. That’s how I got hired here.”

Stephen: “Sawyer accepts the challenge – if Sawyer’s horse wins, Fred loses Don. But if Don wins the race, Fred gets all of Sawyer’s horses, including Satin Doll, who Don has an eye for.”

Chet: (momentarily silent with his eyes rolled back into his head, but snaps out of it) “Horse f*cking? You got some horse f*cking? I like it. French films do that sh*t all the time, let’s steal it.”

Stephen: “No sir, there’s no horse sex. But Don’s not a racehorse, so he’s worried that he can’t win and Sawyer will have him killed. But then his reincarnated father shows up as a horse fly and gives him a pep talk. Oh, and Fred’s going to ride him because he’s bigger than the normal jockey and that would be funny.”

Chet: (rubbing his fingers on his gums) “I never knew my dad. He left us when I was 2 and my mom was a Vegas stripper. Sad sh*t, right? So does Don win the race? This sh*t have a happy ending?”

Stephen: “Yes, so Don uses his wit and mind games to trick the other horses during the race, and he ends up winning the race because of… get this… his giant teeth!”

Chet: (stands up, walks to giant painting of himself as a naked centaur, reveals giant safe, opens it and begins throwing bags of money at Stephen) “THAT’S F*CKING AMAZING!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST IDEA EVER!!!”

Stephen: “In the end, Fred wins and gets the horses and the girl, and he even pays for Don to get his giant teeth fixed.”

Chet: (staring out the window at the Hollywood hills) “It’s going to be the feel good movie of the year and probably win every Oscar. You can bet on it.”

Chet would die from a massive heart attack one week later.

krebstar3000:

Which kind of sprinkler do you like?

Jay Cutler and his wife Kristen Cavallari are children of the ’80s. As such, they continue to celebrate the pop culture hallmarks of their formative years. They did this by having an ’80s themed party to celebrity Jay’s 30th birthday back in April. That wasn’t enough to slake their undying thirst for big hair and legwarmers, as it appears like couple are having another ’80s party, according to Deadspin.

NFL fans will have the chance to revisit the iconic ‘80s with Jay Cutler and his bride Kristin Cavallari at Joe’s Bar on Weed Street on July 18. Don on your best ‘80s-inspired, brightly colored ensemble to this party benefiting a noble cause.

This three-hour bash featuring an open bar, hors d’oeuvres, a DJ spinning danceable tunes and a special performance from Billy Ocean best known for hits “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” and “Caribbean Queen.” The best part: 80% of the purchase price of tickets will benefit the Jay Cutler Foundation, which works to help both underprivileged children and individuals with diabetes. This is going to be a party sports fans (and all Chicagoans) will remember.

My only wish is for lots of pictures. All the pictures. And Cutler dressing as Judd Nelson, cig in hand. Not the most colorful outfit, but definitely character appropriate.

I suppose a Garfield costume could also work for established reasons.

BKLYN ALL HANDS 23 STREET, A LARGE AMOUNT OF A THICK UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE ARISING FROM THE STREET.,

— FDNY (@FDNY) July 2, 2013

Daily Photo Tour - The Light at the End of a Rainy Evening

We haven't had many outings to Disneyland on rainy days but we always enjoy when we do. It sets a different tone in the park. The crowds are certainly a lot lighter and that, of course, is wonderful. Aside from the that, the attractions and theming take on a whole new disposition. Colors against a gray sky. Lights glistening on soaked pavement. Wiping a bench off to get a dry seat after a day of running around a park you have to mostly to yourself. Each of these things, and more, creates a unique experience and contribute to some great photo opportunities.

The website is getting closer and closer to completion. We're really loving it and can't wait to share this new platform with you.

Okay. A few things:

1) Former MTV VJ Kennedy has written a book titled The Kennedy Chronicles, which features her riding a horse naked on the cover.

2) In an excerpt obtained by TMZ, she claims that during a dinner with Michael Jordan and Russell Simmons, the NBA Hall of Famer broke out some dice and said “If I win, you come back to my hotel room with me tonight.”

3) She also claims she was a virgin at the time, and that she was afraid Jordan and his large penis would “eviscerate [her] from the inside out” and “filet [her] vag like a sea bass.”

4) If I were Kennedy’s editor, I would have suggested, “I was nervous the Space Jam star would really jam my space.”

5) “Michael Jordan tried to win Kennedy’s virginity during a dice game” is one of those little tidbits that you will never be able to get out of your brain, so you might as well enjoy it. Something something Dan Cortese something something Idalis the end.

In the event that the death of James Gandolfini and the avalanche of tributes and discussions about him, his character and The Sopranos that followed it has left you feeling nostalgic for the show, well, HBO has a little treat for you: starting today, the network is making every episode of the show available for on demand viewing again. The first season will be available for the whole month of July, the second season for the month of August, and so on. Of course, if you have an HBO Go account you can always watch them there.

Additionally, HBO is airing one of the war documentaries Gandolfini produced this Thursday, the 4th of July.

HBO will also honor Gandolfini and veterans this Fourth of July with a rebroadcast of his 2007 documentary, Alive Day Memories: Home From Iraq. The one-hour special will air at 7 p.m. ET on Thursday. Alive Day Memories was nominated for three Primetime Emmys, including one for executive producer Gandolfini.

If you’ve never seen Home From Iraq, set your DVR now. And have a box of tissues handy.

God bless you, Mark Sanchez. You are the gift that keeps on giving.

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I imagine those of you who don’t watch Mad Men have been a little confused by my repeated pleas over the past few weeks for a bear to show up and kill or maim Pete Campbell. Luckily, Vulture has created this supercut of him ranting like a self-important goon throughout the show’s most recent season. It doesn’t give you the full picture of what a petulant little lying weasel rapist he is, but it’s certainly a decent place to start. (To clarify, I mean that Pete Campbell is a rapist who is also a petulant little lying weasel, not a petulant little liar who forces himself on mustelids. As far as we know.)

So watch and enjoy. And pray for bears.

By Robert Niles: We'd like to issue a last call and invitation for Theme Park Insider readers to rate the attractions, restaurants and hotels they've visited in the past year, before we announce the 12th annual Theme Park Insider Awards next week. Your ratings determine the winners of those awards, which include four categories:

• Best Theme Park
• Best Hotel
• Best Restaurant
• Best New Attraction

Attractions that opened officially since July 1, 2012 that are not clones of previously considered attractions are eligible in the Best New Attraction category. Table-service restaurants located inside a park's gates are eligible for Best Restaurant, and official, on-site hotels affiliated with a park will be considered for Best Hotel. You can find the complete list of theme parks available for rating and reviews by following the "Park Guides" link at the top of the page. Follow "Hotel Reviews" to rate our listed on-site hotels, too.

Obviously, readers' ratings over the past 11+ months already have moved a handful of eligible locations in position to challenge for these awards. Here, for your convenience, are links to the top contenders in the hotel, restaurant and new attraction categories. Please rate only the ones you've experienced in the past year, but please do rate all of those. We want these awards to reflect the informed consensus of the Theme Park Insider community. And please do spread the word to others you know who've experienced some of these great destinations. We'd like to consider their views, too!

Best Hotel

• Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge
• Disney's Beach Club Resort
• Disney's Boardwalk Inn Resort
• Disney's Grand Californian Hotel
• Disney's Grand Floridian Resort
• Disney's Wilderness Lodge
• Disney's Yacht Club Resort
• Universal's Hard Rock Hotel
• Universal's Portofino Bay Hotel

Best Restaurant

• Auberge de Cendrillon
• Carthay Circle Restaurant
• KT's Grill
• Liberty Tree Tavern
• Lombard's Seafood Grille
• Magellan's
• Mythos Restaurant
• S.S. Columbia Dining Room
• Walt's

Best New Attraction

• Big Grizzly Mountain Runaway Mine Cars
• Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem
• Full Throttle
• Gatekeeper
• Lex Luthor: Drop of Doom
• Mystic Manor
• Outlaw Run
• Sesame Street: Spaghetti Space Chase

We will announce the winners of this year's Theme Park Insider Awards on Thursday, July 4.

This article originally appeared at http://www.themeparkinsider.com/flume/201306/3541/. All rights reserved. If you are not reading this on a personal RSS reader (such as Feedburner) or on http://www.themeparkinsider.com, you are reading a scraper website that has illegally copied and stolen http://www.themeparkinsider.com's content. Please visit http://www.themeparkinsider.com/flume/201306/3541/ for the original version, along with all its comments.

“If They Melded” is the evolution of Conan’s classic “If They Mated” Late Night bit — which shouldn’t require any further explanation — and while never not fun, it’s more of a if-you’re-watching sort of thing and not something I’d share here. But then last night Team Coco decided to meld together Paula Deen’s recent grammar-adverse apology with one of the most famous scandal apologies of all time, and let’s just say it’s, um, hard to look away from.

I do think it gives the whole thing a new level of sincerity though.

Just in case you’re short on nightmare fuel today…

Team Coco

This photo featuring Kate Gosselin pulling the sides of her eyes back has been making the rounds for pretty obvious reasons. Her explanation is that this photo actually comes from a happier time in her marriage to Jon Gosselin, and that it has something to do with an “Asian” wig that a fan member sent in, and that she is not a racist because she has biracial children. Sure. Seriously: sure. OK, Kate Gosselin. You are now multiple years out from the heights of your popularity, and your family lays in ruins. Good luck to you, good luck to all of us. But the hell with you if you think you are going to ruin our caption contest. You had your turn. Now it is our time. It is our time down here. It was your time up there but it’s our time down here. So, for this week’s Why Don’t YOU Caption It, please caption ANY OTHER* PHOTO EXCEPT THIS ONE. Anyone captioning this photo will be disqualified. You are welcome to pick any other photo in the whole world and cation that instead. That’s how WE will handle this.

Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. So something good will come out of this whole thing, however small.

*Be smart, though. Use your noodle, though. Grow up, guys. Stay in school, please.

That filthy sleuth Terez Owens has uncovered what appears to be additional footage from Mark Sanchez's wine-and-boobs dance party in Napa. The star of this new footage appears to be Mark Sanchez's ass.

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On Tuesday, Kim Kardashian, Mother of the Great Unknowable North, got a handful of random babies wasted off the exotic elixir of fame when she allegedly sent their pictures out to a half-dozen friends, and said they were photos of her kid.

In a story titled "KIM KARDASHIAN BOGUS BABY!" TMZ reported that Kardashian intended to use the images to separate friends from fiends; if outlets began publishing the photos, she would know that someone in her circle had leaked them. It's an old celebrity trick. Andy Warhol used to do it. Always sending texts like out like "This is Kim and Kanye's baby DO NOT TWEET," to put his so-called friends on blast.

TMZ wrote that someone did attempt to sell them one of the shots: a little baby with a face like Kim and Kanye's baby might have, wearing a little white hat like Kim and Kanye's baby might wear. They also published a second fake photo, this one of an infant all swaddled in a fuzzy baby blanket. It's not clear how TMZ got these photos if they didn't pay for them. Did Kim forward TMZ the pictures herself (subj: EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS NOT OF MY BABY) and ask for their cooperation in Operation: Abandon Friend-Ship?

In any event, the real question here: Who are these déclassé‎ babies? How did Kim Kardashian acquire these cell phone photos of them? Did Kanye creep up to the nursery and surreptitiously snap photos of any baby that did not have a visible penis? Did he mill about the halls of the Cedars-Sinai maternity ward offering new dads $10,000 for their SIM cards? Did Kim Google Image search "unfamous baby" and when Google suggested "infamous baby" was she like "NO, OPPOSITE OF THAT!"? Does it really matter if these babies aren't North Kardashian, since all newborns look virtually identical and any baby can be North Kardashian if you squint hard enough?

What's your story, babies?

[Image via Getty]

To contact the author of this post, email caity@gawker.com.

Longtime ESPN personality Chris Berman is a divisive character among sports fans these days, as many people of all ages still love his goofy, affable and personable demeanor and relate with him as the blue-collared Joe, while others are exhausted by his repetitive schtick and meaningless commentary. I wouldn’t know, because I like to turn the sound down on any sporting events and pretend that I’m providing the play-by-play with my dog.

But I’d say the appreciation for Berman still outweighs anything else, at least with the older crowd, as he was selected by the faculty at Greenwich High School in Connecticut to be the commencement speaker at last Friday’s graduation. And to get an idea of that sort of disconnect that Berman might have with younger people, he was reportedly very poorly received.

“It was honestly the most random speech I’ve ever heard in my life,” said one graduate whom we’ll call Julie.

“It was the worst speech at the graduation—it had no point and it kept going on,” said her friend, another grad, whom we’ll call Molly.

The speech was bad from the get-go. “He started off his speech about how he worked at a toll booth and then it kind of went nowhere,” Molly said. “He kept going back to when he was young, and I guess that was the whole point of the speech. It was 30 minutes of going on about nothing.”

“Basically the whole thing just seemed like he wasn’t sure what to even say,” he emailed. “We noticed he didn’t have any notes with him (if he did he didn’t look at them once). I’m not sure how long he was on to be honest, it seemed like a really long time but it was realistically like 30 minutes or so probably.” (Via Deadspin)

Deadspin also has some Tweets posted from some of the students, including one who accused Berman of being drunk while he rambled on for “an hour and 45 minutes”. I couldn’t even tell you who the commencement speaker was at my graduation, but my class had about 900+ kids and if we had to listen to some guy ramble pointlessly for close to two hours, I’m pretty sure most of us would have just said, “Screw it” and let them keep the diplomas.

Additionally, Guyism dug up a small clip of the end of Berman’s speech, just so you can watch him deliver his catchphrase, “… go… all… the… way” and picture yourself sitting in the crowd with a bunch of kids who probably don’t even care what that means.