Sean

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18 Mar 12:52

Nietzsche Goes on Hot Ones

by Corey Mohler
PERSON: "Welcome to Hot Ones, it's the show with hot questions and even hotter wings. Today we have German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. So, how are you with spicy food? " PERSON: "The spice represents man's ability overcome his animal nature, and transcend beyond himself to a higher state of being." PERSON: "The chili pepper evolved with the chemical capsaicin in it, which causes in mammals a painful sensation of burning, to ward them away and leave the peppers for the birds. As a result only two mammals on this Earth will ever dare to eat them." PERSON: "The first is the humble treeshrew, which itself mutated to not feel the effect. The second is, of course, man." PERSON: "Humanity feels the pain of the pepper just as vividly as any ape, but instead of experiencing it as suffeering, we delight in it!" PERSON: "This is because we know the pain is fleeting. We delight in our mastery of our inner beast, in our power of will to overcome ourselves." PERSON: "But alas! I am too weak to overcome my humanity, perhaps one day a true ubermensch will arise who is stronger than i, who can lead humanity beyond itself!" PERSON: "Okay well...that was the first wing, which is strawberry flavored, and has a Scoville rating of 12. Most people can't even taste any spice..." PERSON: "More milk, please! It is too much to bear!"
06 Nov 20:38

Defensive Profile

NO DRAMA ZONE -> If I've made you sad, you'd better not tell me, because I am TERRIFIED of that situation and have NO IDEA how to handle it.
13 Oct 19:59

Logical

It's like I've always said--people just need more common sense. But not the kind of common sense that lets them figure out that they're being condescended to by someone who thinks they're stupid, because then I'll be in trouble.
04 Dec 16:29

Colds

The contagious period ends right around when you start to sound sick over the phone, which is probably evidence of cold viruses evolving to spread optimally in the workplace.
12 Sep 17:39

Watches

Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they've switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don't appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word 'thinkpiece' sounds like a word made up by someone who didn't know about the word 'brain'.
19 Jun 15:38

Magic Words

'And then whisper 'anapest' in my ear as you hold me?'
03 Sep 07:01

Bee Orchid

In sixty million years aliens will know humans only by a fuzzy clip of a woman in an Axe commercial.