Shared posts

02 Mar 07:54

Waaaaaay Before Sunrise Day!

Her Courtyard By Marriott hotel room has a balcony in the middle of an office plaza that looks out on a dark corporate sprawl of office buildings. She sits out there drunk at 1 am when she sees a guy in a suit walk out of one of the buildings.

“Working hard or hardly working?” she shouts down to him.

“I don’t fucking need this!” he shouts back to her. “I just found out my company is doing business with the mafia!”

She apologizes. “I was just having some fun,” she says. “Drunk. You know.”

“Well maybe think about who you yell stuff at next time!” the guy shouts. “I thought I was working for a legitimate firm. But it turns out, they’re doing business with the mafia!”

“Want a drink?” she asks.

He climbs up the balconies to hers and they enjoy Scotch together.

“What do you think I’m gonna do?” he says after she asks him what he’s going to do about the mafia thing. “I’m going to report it to the local police station as soon as the sun rises.”

“What if we’re still making love?” she asks him.

They make love but they finish waaaaaay before the sun rises.

“I don’t want to see you get hurt,” she says when they’re laying in the afterglow like, seriously, hours before the sun comes up. “But if you rat on the mafia, that’s probably what will happen.”

“Could you do it?” he asks. “Could you go on working for a firm that does business with the mafia?”

“Yeah. Who cares? Besides, the mafia’s cool.”

He catches her drift and decides to not care who his firm does business with and so he becomes rich instead of dying, plus he had sex earlier (waaaaaay before sunrise),

Happy Waaaaaay Before Sunrise Day!

02 Mar 07:45

Haunted Life Raft Day!

You and the other survivors of the capsized cruise ship have been floating for three days. Everything would be fine if it wasn’t for the ghost that’s haunting your life raft.

“I don’t think she even died on our cruise,” one of you says. “Do they reuse life rafts from other sunken ships?”

“Maybe she died on the boat itself,” someone responds. “Like of a heart attack. Or she got on the boat and her husband was supposed to meet her in their cabin but he never showed and sent a note saying he left her so she killed herself and then decided to haunt a life raft.”

“Maybe she died building the life raft,” someone else suggests. “Like in the factory?”

You all agree that that’s the most logical explanation. She must have been a life raft factory worker who died building the life raft so she haunted it.

Just then her apparition appears. You tell her you think that she died building a life raft and you want her to know her death wasn’t for nothing. That life raft she built is saving all of your lives.

“I never worked in a life raft factory you dumbasses,” she screams. “Time to take another one of you.”

She goes to the back of the boat and reaches her ghostly arm into a woman’s mouth, then pulls her insides out of her mouth until she’s turned the woman inside out completely.

You all help shove the spasming bloody inside out woman into the water. You have ten more hours to again guess why the ghost is haunting that life raft before she pulls the internal organs from another one of you.

Happy Haunted Life Raft Day!

02 Mar 07:36

Steal From Your Kids Day!

Your son has a toy truck. You want that toy truck. It’s not fair that he has it when you want it. Take that toy truck from your son and bring it into the office to play with.

Your son will visit you at work and ask if you’ve seen his toy truck. Lie to him. Say, “Psssh. That truck sucks. I didn’t take it.”

Your son will explain he has a play date and he needs his toy truck back if you have it. Stand your ground.

“I’m the president of a massive corporation. I don’t have your stupid fucking truck.”

Your eyes flash on the floor safe. Your son notices.

“It’s in the floor safe isn’t it?” he says.

“What floor safe,” you say, but he’s already out of his chair and spinning the combination dial.

“12. 16. 6,” he says as he spins, then pulls the door open to reveal his toy truck.

“Shouldn’t have used my birthday as the combo, dipshit,” he says, inspecting the toy truck for blemishes. “Have your secretary call me a car.”

You do as he says, happy that your son didn’t lift up the stacks of cash and bonds to find the Boba Fett action figure you stole from him.

Happy Steal From Your Kids Day!

22 Feb 20:33

SodaStream admits bowing to boycott pressure

by Ryan Rodrick Beiler

Maker of fizzy drink machines is first major company to openly acknowledge that BDS is making an impact.

21 Feb 00:46

the food truck trials

Mahmoud

tru

Today on Married To The Sea: the food truck trials


The Worst Things For Sale is Drew's blog. It updates every day. Subscribe to the Worst Things For Sale RSS!
20 Feb 22:36

USDA Pomological Watercolors

by slaporte
Mahmoud

for your interior decorating purposes

20 Feb 20:55

relax for a few

Mahmoud

same. but diff numbers...

Today on Toothpaste For Dinner: relax for a few


The Worst Things For Sale is Drew's blog. It updates every day. Subscribe to the Worst Things For Sale RSS!
20 Feb 19:59

DEATH WISH 3

by CDTcrew
Mahmoud

this doesn't even begin to tell the story of this movie. can't believe i saw the whole thing.

in 30 seconds
20 Feb 19:56

CRAZY

by CDTcrew
Mahmoud

i like this one too

gringos
20 Feb 19:52

THE BLADES

by CDTcrew
Mahmoud

this one gets better

also sena, what's the salad dressing music. so familiar.

are part of me
20 Feb 19:48

COME ON

by CDTcrew
Mahmoud

loud, as usual

yeah
20 Feb 19:22

Freaky Girl Uses her Powers to Crush Cans !

by Just For Laughs Gags

A little girl? Nope- you won't fool us, demon!

Don't miss another Gag - Subscribe!: http://goo.gl/wJxjG

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Filmed in Montreal, Quebec
20 Feb 09:26

the mccarthy-turing boundary

by kris
Mahmoud

finally

20160218_aitrouble

Proposed in 1953 by both John McCarthy and Alan Turing independently, and posthumously folded into a single theoretical concept, the McCarthy-Turing Boundary is described as

a form of unpreventable race condition resulting from the increasing complexity of an evolving artificial intelligence, in which eventually 100% of processing time is used to draw ASCII dicks

It appears that an unconstrained AI program, over time, will attempt to answer the question “how long of an ASCII dick is it possible to draw?” which any computer scientist will recognize as a variant of the Halting Problem.

i will let someone else do a joke about NP-complete vs. NP-hard

19 Feb 04:25

Why the Democratic establishment should dump Clinton

by Sam Smith
Mahmoud

that clinton baggage...

Sam Smith - Based on reality rather than preferences, the establishment backing Hillary Clinton seems to have picked the wrong candidate. Here are a few reasons why: She's not making new friends. In fact support for her has dropped during the campaign. For example, last July CNN reported that "Looking ahead to the general election, Clinton continues to hold significant leads over Bush (54%
17 Feb 16:48

Pyrameats

by nedroid
Mahmoud

no way this is true. the tips would also unevenly brown. it's about heat distribution dammit

Pyrameats

14 Feb 05:01

Supervillainy begins at home

by jwz
Mahmoud

BEN (did u do this)

Pedestrians hit by blow darts on Golden Gate Bridge

At 2:45pm a pedestrian flagged down a bicycle patrol officer to say he had been walking north when he was hit in the thigh by a long metal dart which penetrated his jeans and skin by approximately 1-2 inches.

As officers were speaking with the first victim, a second victim approached the group to say she had also been struck by a dart.

The victim was walking north on the east side foot path as well when she was struck in the knee cap by an identical dart.

Both victims were treated by paramedics and released at the scene.

The darts are made from a metal body approximately 5 inches long with one end sharpened to a fine point. The tail of the dart is topped with a white plastic cap which allows the dart to be from a blow gun.

12 Feb 06:35

ebay dildos

TODAYS @DREWTOOTHPASTE: ebay dildos
07 Feb 08:47

the federation fifteen

by kris

20160205_startrekgain

the acting and stories really get good once everyone stops worrying they’re gonna get cancelled, you can tell. that’s a show in its prime

04 Feb 03:55

Run The Jewels - Meowpurrdy (from the Meow The Jewels album)

by Adult Swim
Mahmoud

run the jewels tryhardness just hit cringelevel for me.

Run The Jewels + cats = MEOW THE JEWELS. Directed by visual wizard Cyriak.

Last September revered hip hop auteurs Run The Jewels made music history when they unleashed the world’s first cat-rap album Meow The Jewels. Today, in conjunction with Adult Swim, the group released a mind-altering video by esteemed cult video artist Cyriak for the album’s lead track “Meowpurrdy,” a remix by El-P that deposits his and Killer Mike’s vocal performances in the midst of a rhythmic vapor of meows, purrs, and hisses. Cyriak’s visual treatment is an LSD-nightmare miasma of cat limbs and teeth fractalizing into feline Cthulu-esque monstrosities. Visit RunTheJewels.net for more.

Meow The Jewels is available via Mass Appeal Records at retailers as a limited edition, specially packaged tawny brown vinyl edition. The digital version of the album is available for FREE from the Run The Jewels website: RunTheJewels.net

Run The Jewels - Meowpurrdy (from Meow The Jewels)
http://www.youtube.com/user/adultswim
03 Feb 18:00

hacking then and now

Today on Toothpaste For Dinner: hacking then and now


The Worst Things For Sale is Drew's blog. It updates every day. Subscribe to the Worst Things For Sale RSS!
31 Jan 10:11

Fred Alarmisen

by 5secondfilms
Mahmoud

I sorta feel like despite all this big name attention, they'll never outgrow 5sf

The company was immediately sued into bankruptcy, and oblivion, after their latest brand extension, the "First Alarmisen Senior's Emergency Button," failed to alert any ambulances when old people would fall and break their hips, choosing instead to yell "Help, this guy's fallen over and his kids never visit" to an empty house.

Check out our feature film "Dude Bro Party Massacre III"
http://www.dudebropartymassacre3.com/
31 Jan 09:53

offical animals hbo ad debut 5 february 2016

by Phil Matarese
Mahmoud

man i been waiting on this since prolly 2011? not even sure if it'll be good, just been following the creator, who def has some funny.

31 Jan 06:11

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Users

by admin@smbc-comics.com
Mahmoud

truuuuue

Hovertext: Update 9.1.2.001.241 has been a test of your loyalty.


New comic!
Today's News:

 We've already sold about a quarter of all discounted tickets to both London BAHFests! These'll probably sell out quick once the new year starts, so buy soon to lock in a spot!

28 Jan 18:56

"Monkeys are not random generators."

by jwz
I was unaware of this important research from 2003:

Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce prose the likes of Shakespeare.

A group of faculty and students in the university's media program left a computer in the monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo in southwest England, home to six Sulawesi crested macaques. Then, they waited.

At first, said Phillips, "the lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of it. "Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard," added Phillips, who runs the university's Institute of Digital Arts and Technologies.

Eventually, monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan produced five pages of text, composed primarily of the letter S. Later, the letters A, J, L and M crept in.

Read the complete text here: Notes Towards The Complete Works of Shakespeare by Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe & Rowan.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

23 Jan 23:06

Sock It To Me

by nedroid
Mahmoud

recently did this

adult life is so exciting

Sock It To Me

23 Jan 22:37

Foam party

by jwz
23 Jan 20:45

Youth court run by youths

by Sam Smith
Mahmoud

i'm glad it has good effects but it just seems wrong. older people are supposed to be wiser. kids seem too likely to miss nuance, etc. Also, wouldn't they be easier to threaten/retaliate against?

Fusion-  The Brownsville Youth Court hears low-level cases for first-time offenders between 10 and 18, like Garrett, who was arrested for stealing an umbrella. And unlike regular court, the jurors, judges, and attorneys, too, are all kids.

The members of the court, who come from area high schools and community organizations, are between the ages of 14 and 18. They undergo 40 hours of training, culminating in a mock “bar exam,” before they’re allowed to hear their peers’ cases — a service for which the young court volunteers receive a small monthly stipend.

Misdemeanor cases are referred to the court at the discretion of schools, the police, or the city’s probation department. Adult staffers closely follow each case and report back to the “referral source” after the child offenders have served their “sanction,” which entails community service, written apologies, or counseling. Youth court, unlike the normal juvenile justice process, doesn’t send kids to jail.

The Brownsville program is one of more than 1,000 youth court diversion programs across the country that aim to keep first-time offenders out of the court system. That’s no small thing: Numerous studies show entry into the criminal courts, no matter how small the reason, increases a child’s odds of committing more serious crimes down the road. One study found that children who were referred to youth court were significantly less likely to be recycled into to the juvenile system for new offenses. While estimates vary, sending a kid to youth court costs about $500 — a sweet deal for taxpayers, who can dole out between $2,000 and $5,500 dollars for criminal juvenile proceedings.

More than 2,000 kids are arrested each year all over Brooklyn, most for non-violent offenses. Since launching in 2011, the Brownsville court has heard 353 cases.
23 Jan 20:41

Persian Gulf countries buying farmland in US southwest

by Sam Smith
Mahmoud

hahaha this is too rich

CNBC - Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf countries are scooping up farmland in drought-afflicted regions of the U.S. Southwest, and that has some people in California and Arizona seeing red.

Saudi Arabia grows alfalfa hay in both states for shipment back to its domestic dairy herds. In another real-life example of the world's interconnected economy, the Saudis increasingly look to produce animal feed overseas in order to save water in their own territory, most of which is desert.

Privately held Fondomonte California on Sunday announced that it bought 1,790 acres of farmland in Blythe, California — an agricultural town along the Colorado River — for nearly $32 million. Two years ago, Fondomont's parent company, Saudi food giant Almarai, purchased another 10,000 acres of farmland about 50 miles away in Vicksburg, Arizona, for around $48 million.

"The alfalfa exports are tantamount to "exporting water," because in Saudi Arabia, "they have decided that it's better to bring feed in rather than to empty their water reserves," said Keith Murfield, CEO of United Dairymen of Arizona, a Tempe-based dairy cooperative whose members also buy alfalfa. "This will continue unless there's regulations put on it."

23 Jan 18:45

Sensual Pottery Class Prank

by Just For Laughs Gags
Mahmoud

so relevant, so good

Don't miss another Gag - Subscribe!: http://goo.gl/wJxjG

Visit our store: TheGagsStore.com

Social Animal? Here are a few interesting links:
Twitter: http://twitter.com/JFLGags
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Filmed in Montreal, Quebec
19 Jan 22:30

News too big to cover

by Sam Smith
Sam Smith

The media's obsession with the San Bernardino killings is the latest example of how the media greatly prefers small stories over big ones. Thus climate change doesn't fare as well as ISIS even though it will have infinitely more effect on the world. Even when you want to do better than this, specific stories often aren't there. One is trained in journalism to have face and fact in your story but seven billion environmentally endangered people is a little too much for a good lead.

It may be helpful to consider some other the stories that are too big to get much coverage. Such as:

- The collapse of the nation state as international corporations, through trade agreements like TPP and other tactics, assume governing and as well as economic authority. The media and liberal organizations ridicule those who speak of a new world order, but it seems the mildest term one can think of for something like TPP.

- The decline of need for workers. In 2006 fewer than one million American workers were neither employed nor actively seeking work. That number is now three million. This is driven in part by increasing automation that may at some point challenge the whole traditional American work ethic. What do we do about it? A guaranteed income is a good start but even that is mainly discussed on the left without general media attention.

- An overwhelming factor in ethnic and immigrant hostility is the economic situation. There is a long history of this in the United States, including the southern white elite convincing poor whites that blacks were responsible for their troubles. The current economic conditions are strong instigators of this conflict yet are rarely given credit for it or examined from this perspective.

- Technology such as the cellphone, a larger portion of the population living in cities rather than small communities, and smaller family size are contributors to a culture in which the individual is far more isolated than once was the case. I, for example, am the third of six children and learned early that other people disagreed with me but that didn't mean I couldn't live with them and even have an emotional attachment. At least some of our current political problems are due to the fact that we now have leaders have little experience in working well with others.

- Process is overwhelming progress. The stunning increase in the paperwork involved in everything from obtaining a mortgage to passing national legislation not only makes things harder but discourages us from even trying some things. Much of the problem with Obamacare has not been about substance, but that so few understood it. As lawyers, economists and MBAs have dramatically increased their roles in our government it is harder for many in power to see the difference between actually doing something and just putting it all down on paper.

- Missing from the talk on climate change: population increase. This is a topic politicians, media and other leaders want to avoid yet is essential to dealing with the problem. The phrase that scares them is "population control" but, in fact, population changes largely occur because of individual choice, and reflect not so much rules as, for example, things like the rising status of women in a society.

- The cultural takeover by corporations. In our language, our systems, our education, and our values, corporations exercise a control far beyond that of even a few decades ago. Even non-profits have adopted many of these aspect of corporate culture and the idea of doing things cooperatively, out of decency, or other traditional human values is being replaced by corporatism.

- Institutions that offered a moral and conceptual alteratives to the corporation have been floundering. Churches, universities and the media are no longer the voices of decency, common sense, and community they once were. As a result arguments on behalf of traditional American ideals have far less force than once was the case.

- Both major political parties are infinitely more corrupt than they were in the past, largely thanks to the overwhelming influence of corporate lobbying and financing.


- Education is being reduced to merely job training for careers in corporations and the supporting government bureaucracy. The perceived educational value of the humanities and the arts has been deeply downgraded.

- Liberalism of the sort that brought us the New Deal and the Great Society has badly deteriorated largely because it has become a comfortable home for the successful rather than a haven for strivers. The major causes that attract its attention today - such as gay rights and abortion - are those that aid its members who are socially and economically ahead of many it claims to represent. This is not to say these are not worthy causes but absent from the top list are the economic issues that brought us things like pensions, unions, and social security. Among the problems: liberal contempt for lower income whites.

- Democratic principles continue to be steadily undermined as our leaders claim, for example, that liberty must be suppressed for alleged reasons of security. For all practical purposes the first American republic began to collapse in the 1980s and has been replaced by an oligarchy of greed.

- America has increasingly found ways to suppress civil rights including those granted with much pain and struggle in the 1960s. Voter suppression, police brutality and other negative systems have been adopted as normal.

This is not a complete list but may serve as a reminder of what the news typically doesn't tell you. It doesn't mean, however, that it isn't there and changing our world far more than some shootings in San Bernadino.