Shared posts

09 Feb 02:43

Does Taylor Rehmet’s Victory Foreshadow an Anti-MAGA Wave?

by Tyler Hicks

After Democrat Taylor Rehmet beat the GOP’s Leigh Wambsganss in the January 31 special runoff election for state Senate District 9 , Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick called the loss “a wake-up call for Republicans across Texas.” It’s been a common sentiment in the Republican Party in recent days, especially since a Democrat hasn’t won that seat since 1991. 

Rehmet’s win was a 31-point swing from President Donald Trump’s victory there less than a year and a half ago—and a 37-point swing from the GOP incumbent’s margin in that district in 2022. What’s more, Wambsganss had 10 times as much money as Rehmet, including large checks from heavyweights like Texans for Lawsuit Reform and right-wing megadonor Tim Dunn’s PAC. 

But Brian Mayes, a longtime Republican strategist, saw this coming. 

After last May, when a dozen local candidates endorsed by the Tarrant County GOP lost their elections, Mayes figured the party was heading toward more defeat. “It’s like when a football team loses, you can either go back and figure out why you lost and make hard decisions, or you don’t,” Mayes told the Texas Observer, and “you keep doing the same thing over and over.”

Wambganss has helped lead the school board culture wars that have dominated Tarrant County politics for much of the last five years, and as Mayes sees it, voters were ready for something different. It helped that Rehmet, a Machinists union leader, was a strong candidate whose focus on public education clearly resonated across party lines. 

Kendall Scudder, chair of the Texas Democratic Party, put it bluntly. “We had a really good candidate, and they had a really bad candidate,” he told the Observer

While political observers have stopped short of saying this is the first break of an all-out anti-MAGA wave, voter data indicates that Republicans are more vulnerable than the party may realize—especially in Tarrant County, which is currently the largest red county in the nation and a key battleground in the 2026 elections. (With the Texas Legislature currently out of session, Rehmet is unlikely to cast a vote in the state Senate before he and Wambsganss rematch in the November general election for the seat’s full term.) 

Ross Hunt, a Republican data analyst who has been dissecting the numbers and sharing takeaways on his X feed, said the GOP lost the seat “because of the failure to persuade swing Republicans and right-leaning independents.”

Hunt wrote on X: “Republicans’ handpicked candidate for this working-and middle-class, 51% Fort Worth district was a socially conservative political operative from a wealthy suburb that makes up 4% of the District.”

Meanwhile, Wambsganss’ opponent offered a stark contrast: He was “Mr. Tarrant County,” as Scudder put it. “He’s a union leader, veteran, very disciplined on his messaging and very hyper-focused on the working class and making life better for people,” Scudder said. “Leigh is a zealot who spends all of her time denigrating public school teachers and trying to dismantle public school institutions.”

But candidate quality alone, Scudder argues, can’t explain what he called a “perfect storm.” He credited an unusually coordinated Democratic effort that began months before the runoff. Specifically, the Texas Democratic Party (TDP) helped the Rehmet campaign make 1.5 million phone calls, knock on 20,000 doors and send 300,000 text messages. Nearly $150,000, about half of Rehmet’s campaign funds, came via the Texas Majority PAC, which is running a joint political operation with the TDP. 

“For the first time in a very long time, Democrats were operating as a team, moving in the same direction with the same goal, and that’s to win an election,” Scudder said.

In a statement to the Observer, Rehmet said broadening his tent was a central part of his strategy. “In the final days of the race, I spoke with voters from across the political spectrum, including many Republicans, and I was grateful for their honesty and openness,” Rehmet said. “We didn’t agree on everything but what consistently stood out was a shared respect and a willingness to listen to one another. At the end of the day, those conversations reminded me that most of us want the same things like safe communities, strong schools and a government that is effective.​​”

The Wambsganss campaign did not respond to a request for comment. On social media, Allen Blakemore, Wambsganss’ political consultant, blamed low turnout among Republicans for the surprise result. Just under 95,000 votes were cast, marking a 15 percent turnout rate for the runoff. 

But Democratic party operatives have dismissed the notion that low turnout was the sole reason for Rehmet’s upset. He not only succeeded in peeling away GOP and independent voters, but was also able to mobilize Latino voters. Latinos make up slightly more than one in five eligible voters in Senate District 9, and in some largely Hispanic areas of Fort Worth, Rehmet outperformed Kamala Harris by 50 points. 

Jason Villalba, a former Republican legislator who now runs a think tank focused on Latino voters, said at least some of that shift can be attributed to the Trump administration’s approach to immigration. “I think that trend is that Hispanics are not moving towards the GOP like they were in 2024,” Villalba said. “I think they are going back to their historic support for Democrats as they were in 2012 and 2016.”

But Tarrant County is also unique because of the prevalence of far-right Christian nationalists. For several years, a church called Mercy Culture has been amassing political influence on the local and national stage. (State Representative Nate Schatzline, a Mercy Culture pastor, recently joined President Trump’s faith advisory board.) The church effectively runs For Liberty & Justice, an organization that teaches conservative Christians how to run for office. The organization endorsed Wambsganns. 

After the Rehmet win, many Republican heavyweights gathered at an event hosted by For Liberty & Justice. Ken Paxton was there, as was Tarrant County Judge Tim O’Hare. “This is the time to stand up and fight, and this is the time that God calls us to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem, and that wall is Tarrant County,” O’Hare told attendees. 

Meanwhile, Allison Campolo, chair of the local Democratic Party, said Tarrant County Republicans have now cornered themselves by developing such close ties with groups like Mercy Culture. “All of our top Republicans are intimately tied with Mercy Culture,” Campolo said. “They either have to own that shit, which will lose them a lot of votes, or they have to separate themselves from it, which will also lose them a lot of votes.”

In other words, Campolo says the local Republican brand is in crisis: “You don’t get an over 30-point swing in Fort Worth, Texas, if your brand is okay.”

The post Does Taylor Rehmet’s Victory Foreshadow an Anti-MAGA Wave? appeared first on The Texas Observer.

09 Feb 02:39

Oh, that’s… hey!

Oh, that’s… hey!

09 Feb 02:38

“Spearhead the committee…”

“Spearhead the committee…”

09 Feb 02:38

Women’s Cross-Country Skiing Marred By Catcalling Italian Men On Sidelines

by The Onion Staff

VAL DI FIEMME, ITALY—Calling it a “relentless barrage of unwelcome yelling” that distracted from the competition, officials confirmed Saturday that the women’s 10km + 10km Skiathlon event had been marred by Italian men catcalling along the sidelines. “Ayyy, bella, how ’bout you-a come grip-a my ski pole, eh?” said one of the hundreds of local men stationed along the course who had shown up to leer and make kissy faces at the athletes as they raced across the harsh terrain, visibly rattling competitors unaccustomed to conditions that included lewdly gesticulating men in bowling shirts smoothing their hair and wolf-whistling. “Mamma mia, look at-a the cannolis on this one! Ciao, principessa, you-a skiing right into my heart! Call me if you want-a my spicy meatballs after-a the race!” Officials noted they did not anticipate similar disruptions during the remaining cross-country events, as the majority of catcallers had been chased off by their rolling pin-wielding wives.

The post Women’s Cross-Country Skiing Marred By Catcalling Italian Men On Sidelines appeared first on The Onion.

09 Feb 02:37

JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life

by Ian MacIntyre

MILAN, ITALY – United States Vice President JD Vance was reportedly unaware of being booed during the Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, due to the fact that he is already relentlessly booed nearly 24 hours a day. “No, I didn’t notice anything different, why do you ask,” responded VP Vance as thousands of […]

The post JD Vance unable to discern booing at Winter Olympics from booing every other day of his life appeared first on The Beaverton.

09 Feb 02:37

When I Invited All of You Over to Watch “The Big Game,” I Assumed You Knew I Was Talking about Human Chess

by Luke Burns

I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening at the exact same time as this party, on the second Sunday in February at 6:30 p.m. But if you were confused by my invitation, that’s on you. I said that I was throwing a party to watch “the big game,” and I think any reasonable person would have understood that I was talking about watching a game of human chess.

That’s right, human chess: thirty-two actors in elaborate, historically authentic costumes as the chess pieces, and two chess grandmasters controlling the action, all of which plays out on the giant chessboard I built in my backyard. Yes, if there’s something other than human chess that people call “the big game,” I’m simply not familiar with it.

Fine, I’ll address your questions and complaints one by one:

  • First of all, I don’t see any issue with my choice of words. Human chess is quite literally a big game. Not only that, I can’t think of ANY game that is bigger than human chess. Were you expecting to show up and watch a human-scale version of Chutes and Ladders or maybe Hungry Hungry Hippos played with real hippos? Don’t be ridiculous, you would never want to have to deal with hippos—believe me, it’s enough trouble wrangling the real horses ridden by the human chess knights. No, there’s no game that comes even close to being as big as human chess; therefore, human chess is THE big game.
  • Please stop asking if we can turn on a TV. I can’t imagine what TV show or live event you’d want to watch when you could be watching the big game. And anyway, because of the cost of building the giant chessboard, feeding and stabling the horses, and paying the chess-piece actors (who are all in SAG and are not working for scale), I can’t afford a television.
  • There WILL be a halftime show. Admittedly, it’s almost never clear when the halfway point of human chess is, but we usually just decide to have halftime at around the four-hour mark (we like to let the grandmasters take their time). Entertainment will be a lute player and a falconer.
  • It’s true, in the lead-up to this party, I have been talking a lot about how excited I am for the big game’s ads. The “ads” are the advisors who make sure the actors playing the chess pieces speak in period-accurate ways, stay in character, and don’t spook the horses. The ads ARE very funny, and I DO often quote their jokes (which are about human chess) at the office water cooler the day after the big game.
  • NFL is an abbreviation that stands for “Nice, Fun, Large.” After all, human chess is all three of those things.
  • Many of you seem to be particularly hung up on the fact that I repeatedly talked to you about whether or not tailor Swift would be attending the big game this year. My tailor, Stephen Swift, comes over to watch the big game whenever I organize one, but he was feeling a little under the weather this year and wasn’t sure he could make it. I don’t know who this singer is that you’re all talking about, but tailor Swift calls his clients “Swifties” and he is engaged to a player who’s played in the big game the past two years—that handsome pawn over there on d4. Stephen also sewed all the costumes worn by the human chess pieces.
  • Chips and Dip are the two falcons who will be performing with the falconer at the halftime show. The falconer comes from Upstate New York, which is why his act is called “Buffalo Wings.” You better believe we got Chips and Dip and Buffalo Wings for the big game!
  • When I said we’d be “cracking open some cold ones,” I was, of course, referring to what happens when one of the knights gets removed from the board. Knights’ armor stiffens in the chilly February weather, and to be taken off, it has to be “cracked open” with a special tool made for removing knights’ armor in games of human chess. If you didn’t understand that, then why did you all insist on high-fiving me every time I referenced “cracking open some cold ones”? If you want a beverage, I’m more than happy to pour you a flagon of mead.
  • Finally, you can all stop shouting at me that today is a Super Sunday. I agree! ANY day of the week is a super day when you get to watch the big game (which, again, is obviously human chess).

Fine, leave if you want, but you’re all still invited back next month for my Oscar watch party. I promise, it’s exactly what it sounds like.

09 Feb 02:37

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Moneychanger

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Later he explodes sinners with giant sturgeons coming from the inside out.


Today's News:
07 Feb 04:46

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Curse

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Anything that deviates from normal is a conspiracy, including when things are precisely normal.


Today's News:
06 Feb 23:22

Tell You Something

by Reza
06 Feb 23:21

We’ll just let that go.

We’ll just let that go.

06 Feb 23:20

Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him

by The Onion Staff

LOS ANGELES—Staring down at the blank Microsoft Word screen with a hopeless expression on his face, Hollywood TV producer Ryan Murphy told reporters Friday that he was worried his worst ideas were now behind him. “Sometimes I look back and fear I’ll never be able to come up with anything that schlocky ever again,” said the 60-year-old Murphy,  who became visibly emotional as memories of Monster, American Horror Story, and Glee flashed through his mind. “I’ve already cast Kim Kardashian twice—where else is there to go? Was All’s Fair my peak low? I hope not. But when I see The Beauty’s 71% on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s hard not to panic. What if my ideas for one-dimensional characters are completely tapped out? It would be awful if I had to sell out and abandon marketability in favor of depth.” At press time, Murphy was reportedly feeling newly inspired after typing out the words “gay 9/11.”

The post Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:19

Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women

by The Onion Staff

MILAN—Casting a mournful pall over the procession making its way through the foothills and dusty roads of northern Italy, thousands of wailing, black-shawl-clad Italian women were seen following the Olympic torch this week in the run-up to the 2026 Winter Games. The women, wearing dark head coverings and clutching religious icons that bore the image of St. Catherine of Siena, reportedly sobbed and stayed close to the torchbearers and NBC camera crew throughout the final leg of the 7,500-mile relay, which ends Friday with the lighting of the Olympic cauldron at Milan’s San Siro stadium. Beating their breasts and occasionally dropping to their knees and crying out to the Blessed Mother for strength, these disconsolate women were said to be accompanied by an assemblage of village musicians playing cornets and cymbals, a group of barefoot children in string ties who led a garlanded ox through the winding valleys of Lombardy, and Olympic greats such as Kristi Yamaguchi and Shaun White. At press time, sources confirmed the procession had abruptly broken up after torchbearer and Italian television personality Gianluca Torre was shot and killed by Salvatore, the impulsive, hot-blooded eldest son of the Fontana clan.

The post Olympic Torch Followed By Thousands Of Wailing, Black-Shawled Italian Women appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:19

Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist

by The Onion Staff

The post Trump Defends Racist Video As Racist appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:18

TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill

by The Onion Staff

WASHINGTON—Touting it as the fastest and most convenient way for people from foreign countries to be a part of the American Dream, President Donald Trump announced Friday that his direct-to-consumer website TrumpRx would offer a $1 million citizenship pill. “Instead of sitting through a stupid test and having to attend some boring oath ceremony, you take one tablet and instantly receive all the privileges you’d have had if you’d lived here all your life,” said Trump, adding that, at higher doses, the gold-pigmented tablets also fulfilled several civic obligations such as jury duty and registering for the Selective Service. “All it takes to join the most powerful nation on Earth is $1million and a glass of water. You’ll start feeling the effects of your new status almost instantly. You’re not gonna find a better deal than that on Obamacare, believe me.” At press time, the Trump Administration clarified that the citizenship effects wore off after a few hours and that the $1 million pill needed to be taken three times a day for life.

The post TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:18

Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers

by The Onion Staff

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the federal agency in charge of enforcing workplace anti-discrimination laws, is investigating Nike over the athletic shoe giant’s treatment of white employees. What do you think?

“Well, the brand has to differentiate itself from New Balance somehow.”

Ruby Meader, Ornament Arranger

“God forbid Nike put out a practical boat shoe.”

D.J. Parks, Distortion Expert

“And notice how the slogan isn’t Just Do It, White People?”

Adam Morin, Systems Analyst

The post Trump Administration Investigates Nike For Alleged Discrimination Against White Workers appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:17

Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara

by The Onion Staff

WASHINGTON—Infuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend’s Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. “I can put up with pandering to international markets when it’s some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game of the year,” said Greg Stanley of Loudon, NH, echoing millions of like-minded conservatives in declaring it a goddamn travesty that American fans probably had to fly 15 hours to watch a sport invented right here in the United States. “I mean, you don’t see us trying to steal soccer—you know, their version of football—from Santa Clara, do you? You know Bad Bunny had something to do with this, because obliterating America from halftime apparently wasn’t enough. I will absolutely lose my shit if Drake Maye isn’t playing because of some passport issue.” At press time, Stanley said he’d still try to watch the game but wouldn’t be surprised if the announcers weren’t even speaking English.

The post Conservatives Outraged Super Bowl Happening In Foreign City Of Santa Clara appeared first on The Onion.

06 Feb 23:17

Dinosaurs And Non-Dinosaurs

Staplers are actually in Pseudosuchia, making them more closely related to crocodiles than to dinosaurs.
06 Feb 17:50

Galveston to kick off two weeks of Mardi Gras celebrations Friday night

by Julianna Washburn, Galveston County Bureau
City officials tout Galveston’s Mardi Gras celebration as the third largest in the country and the largest in Texas with more than 400,000 visitors each year.
06 Feb 17:46

Internet Archive and Partners Select Local Newsrooms from Across the US to Participate in the Today’s News for Tomorrow Program

by Anna Trammell

Internet Archive, Poynter Institute, and Investigative Reporters and Editors (IRE) are pleased to announce the first cohort of newsrooms to join the Today’s News for Tomorrow program. With support from Press Forward, Today’s News for Tomorrow will bring together news organizations and memory institutions to address the urgent challenge of local news preservation and perpetual access. The project will create a national framework for digital preservation that serves newsrooms’ “immediate internal needs and communities’ future information needs,” according to Press Forward.

“Journalism is the first draft of history, and we’re at risk of losing that history due to changes in a newsroom’s technology, ownership, and even outside pressure to erase it,” said Kristen Hare, program instructor and Poynter’s director for craft and local news. “Today’s News for Tomorrow will help local journalists and newsrooms learn what we’re up against and make sure the first draft of news is still around for future generations.”

Participating newsrooms will receive access to Internet Archive’s services, tools, and infrastructure, share public local news resources through a unified local news access portal, and participate in knowledge-sharing opportunities centered around local news archiving. 

The first cohort will be made up of digital local news publications. Future cohorts in 2026 will be tailored to meet the preservation needs of print newspapers, public media organizations, and independent journalists. Members of the initial cohort were selected through a competitive application process and include:

The Berkeley Scanner (Berkeley, CA)

The Jefferson County Beacon (Port Townsend, WA)

Cityside (Berkeley, CA)

Athens County Independent (Athens, OH)

Hoy en Delaware (Wilmington, DE)

Bucks County Beacon (Warminster, PA)

Golden Today (Golden, CO)

The 51st (Washington, DC)

15 West (Chicago, IL)

The Rapidian (Grand Rapids, MI)

My Tarboro Today (Tarboro, NC)

Outlier Media (Detroit, MI)

Hmong Daily News (Sacramento, CA)

Front Range Focus (Denver, CO)

Lake County News (Lucerne, CA)

The Providence Eye (Providence, RI)

Grandview Independent (Richmond, CA)

The Well News (Washington, DC)

Prism Reports (Oakland, CA)

El Paso Matters (El Paso, TX)

The Oaklandside (Oakland, CA)

The Current GA (Savannah, GA)

Germantown Info Hub (Philadelphia, PA)

Evanston Now (Evanston, IL)

Conecta Arizona (Phoenix, AZ)

Charlottesville Tomorrow (Charlottesville, VA)

Wisconsin Watch (Madison, WI)

BK Reader (Brooklyn, NY)

Black Girl Nerds (Virginia Beach, VA)

Lede New Orleans (New Orleans, LA)

U.S. Press Freedom Tracker (Brooklyn, NY)

Wired (New York City, NY)

El Central Hispanic News (Detroit, MI)

Newsrooms are encouraged to apply to join future cohorts. Newsrooms publishing print newspapers should apply to join the next cohort by April 1. All other organizations may apply at any time to join additional cohorts. Questions about the program can be directed to the program team at tnt@archive.org

06 Feb 16:47

Have a seat, Cindy.

Have a seat, Cindy.

06 Feb 16:31

Italy braces for Winter Olympics with increased security and decree targeting violent protesters

by Giada Zampano, Associated Press
Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni's Cabinet approved a security decree on Thursday, introducing stricter measures to counter violent protests.
06 Feb 16:31

Retail News: Becks Prime leaves Westchase this weekend

by Mike
Houston’s owned burger chain, Beck’s Prime, is winding down operations at its Westchase location this weekend. Beck’s Prime has been in business since 1985, and opened its Westchase location along Westheimer near Wilcrest in 1991. Little has changed about how Beck’s operates over the years. The chain never stopped grinding its own burger meat or slicing its own potatoes, even as competitors abandoned these practices in favor of cheaper options. While Beck’s Prime hasn’t changed, ...
06 Feb 16:18

A timeline of the Jeffrey Epstein investigation and the fight to make the government's files public

by Associated Press
The release is the culmination of a yearslong fight over the records underpinning one of the Justice Department's most high-profile and highly debated cases.
06 Feb 16:12

Just go on and soak up the weather this weekend, H-Town

by Matt Lanza

In brief: Dang nice, Houston.

Today through Sunday

This would be something of an unseasonably warm weekend anytime it occurs in winter, and to some it would be considered quite nice. After the chill of the last couple weeks, this weekend will probably feel nice to almost all. Sunshine, temps in the 70s (maybe 80?), and generally low humidity will continue.

Someone’s hitting 80 today (but it won’t be Galveston, sorry). (Pivotal Weather)

Note how much cooler it is at the coast, with Galveston likely staying below 70 degrees. Water temperatures near the coast are in the mid-50s, which has converted the coastal Gulf into a localized air conditioning unit.

Pier 21 water temperatures are in the 50s in Galveston. (NOAA)

These will rebound quickly over the next week, but the combo of cold water and warm air may produce fog by Monday or Tuesday, and it will allow the island to be significantly cooler (10-15 degrees) than inland locations.

Next week

Our warmest days look to be Monday through Wednesday. Eric paid homage to the 70s yesterday, but it may be the 80s that we speak of on a couple days next week (and perhaps today). Depending on what model ensemble you choose, there’s a 20 to 40 percent chance we do it on Wednesday.

The 80s, man! (Pivotal Weather)

We should see shower chances infiltrate the picture beginning Tuesday however, and a weak-ish cold front looks to sneak in just after that. But it appears any cooldown will be fairly short lived, and it may be back to the 70s or 80s after a couple cool days off.

Drought update

Eric discussed the rain situation earlier this week. The latest drought update was released on Thursday and shows a small expansion of drought.

This week’s Drought Monitor update shows a slight expansion in drought coverage in the Houston area versus a week ago. (US Drought Monitor)

Keep in mind that this does not include the rain we saw on Tuesday (the report ends at 7 AM Tuesday). And some places saw a fair bit of helpful rain. We’ll have to see if we can cash in next week with our couple of chances. As nice as this weekend is, we probably need a couple days of soaking rain to help us out right now. If you follow weather folks on social media, you’re probably beginning to see chatter about a developing El Niño in the tropical Pacific as we head toward spring. Historically, that can skew the odds in favor of a wetter spring here in Texas, but we’re still a good way off before that would kick into gear. Something for us to keep tabs on though.

06 Feb 16:10

Oh, Texas Our Texas,

by Ebony Stewart



Poems are selected by Poetry Editor Lupe Mendez, the 2022 Texas poet laureate and author of Why I Am Like Tequila. To submit a poem, please send an email with the poem attached to poetry@texasobserver.org. We’re looking for previously unpublished works of no more than 45 lines by Texas poets who have not been published by the Observer in the last two years. Pay is $100 on publication.

The post Oh, Texas Our Texas, appeared first on The Texas Observer.

06 Feb 15:00

In Order to Stop the Radical Democrats from Rigging the Election, We Will Be Rigging the Election

by Evan Dotas

“President Trump called in a new interview for the Republican Party to ‘nationalize’ voting in the United States, an aggressive rhetorical step that was likely to raise new worries about his administration’s efforts to involve itself in election matters.” — New York Times

- - -

Well, it’s happening: the radical Democrats, who hate your rights and freedom, are planning to rig the midterm elections again. It’s the latest move in their ceaseless quest to end democracy. That’s why we, the Republican Party, must rig the elections instead.

We all know how this works. Democrats, knowing that their leftist agenda of “equality,” “tolerance,” and “affordable health care” is unpopular, are importing violent illegals into communities across the country to do their bidding. Muslims, Mexicans, effete men, and brawny women—awful people who represent the antithesis of America.

The Dems have to do this because they know they’d never win a fair election, which is why we’re suspending fair elections.

That might sound extreme, but we assure you, it isn’t as extreme as what those Marxist maniacs want to do to our country. The Democrats are the party of Big Government. They want the government inside our schools. They want to use your tax dollars to arrest cops and raid churches. They want to shoot you dead in the street for exercising your Second Amendment rights.

The Republican Party is the only thing standing between you and tyranny. We’re the ones who can save you from those fearmongering emergency weather alerts, those tyrannical flu shots, and those woke puppets living on Sesame Street.

But we can’t do that if Democrats steal the election—just like they did six years ago.

In 2020, Americans wanted more Trump. But Democrats rigged the election by counting the ballots of people who can’t vote, like illegals, dead people, and women. People were furious, and more than two thousand heroes organized the biggest peaceful march in global history to protest. But even that didn’t stop Sleepy Joe Biden’s power grab, and for four years, Americans suffered.

Thankfully, the people put Donald Trump back in office with a clear mandate to do whatever he wants, which is what happens when almost 50 percent of the country votes for you. And part of that mandate means preventing Democrats from forcing their woke agenda on Americans ever again. That’s why we’re sending the FBI, an organization famously beloved by Republicans, into Antifa enclaves, like Fulton County, Georgia, to confiscate the ballots and count them until things finally add up.

While Republicans are working to ensure the midterms are fair and reflect the will of the right kind of people, we’re already seeing how the Democrats plan to cheat.

Under socialist ideologue Gavin Newsom, California redrew its congressional map to secure a few more seats in Congress—an astonishing admission of just how low Democrats will stoop to win. But it was also entirely predictable, which is why the patriotic Republicans in Texas did it first. Sadly, though, these shameful tactics by Democrats go far beyond California’s borders.

Take Minnesota, for example. Even though Republicans haven’t won there since 1970, Donald Trump won it three times (four if you count 2028). But Democrats are insisting, inconceivably, that he lost every election. This is a blatant attempt to silence Republican voices, and until Minnesota forfeits its voter information, our masked democracy protectors will continue to silence Democratic voices right back.

In fact, because our armed freedom agents have done such a great job, they’ll be monitoring poll sites across the country come November. Democrats have already expressed outrage at this idea—because they know they’ll get caught cheating. If you have nothing to hide, why would you be afraid of an unaccountable, violent paramilitary force asking for your papers at the polls?

We don’t want it to come to this, and hopefully, it doesn’t have to. We’ll respect the midterm results. As long as they’re honest. But if we’re being honest, there is no way in hell that is happening.

06 Feb 15:00

ALT

A comic of two foxes, one of whom is blue, the other is green. In this one, Green is taking a shower with the lights off, while a text above him narrates. Surrounded by pink soap bubbles, Green sighs as the soap he had been holding bounces off to somewhere unseen.
Narration: Showering in the dark is nice until you lose the soap.
Green: Ah, no.

As Green is fumbling for the soap in the dark, his nose starts dripping something dark.
Narration: Or get a nosebleed while looking for it.
Green: Oh come on.

Once Green steps out of the shower, Blue zips past him into the bathroom. Green looks towards him in alarm.
Narration: Or you only have one bathroom
Green: Wai-
Blue: My turn!

Green looks to the direction of the sound with an unreadable expression as Blue screams from the bathroom.
Narration: And you didn't warn your partner fast enough.ALT
06 Feb 14:23

Construction site ICE raids hurting economy and building industry

by Raul Alonzo
Frustration is growing over the warrantless targeting of construction workers by Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Construction industry leaders say the ICE raids are creating a worker shortage and a crisis.
06 Feb 14:11

New MrBeast Video Lets Competitors Keep As Much Cash As They Can Eat

by The Onion Staff

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling the contest his “most charitable challenge yet,” content creator Jimmy Donaldson, also known as MrBeast, released a new video Monday in which competitors were informed they could keep all the cash they were able to eat. “When I say ‘Go,’ you rush to the pile of money and start chowing down,” said the popular YouTuber, who stood before a group of contestants that included a single mother, a struggling college student, and a food service worker who was living in temporary housing after getting evicted from his apartment, all of them eager for the chance to devour as many $100 bills as they could. “Any cash, coins, or preloaded debit cards that you can down and—this is important—keep down are yours to spend as you see fit. The catch? You only have 30 minutes! Now go, go, go! Don’t forget to chew!” The video went on to show MrBeast presenting the participant who ate the most cash with a check for $1 million that they had to swallow. 

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06 Feb 14:10

Gina Russo and Ben Jackson

by The Onion Staff

God chose not to bless the union of Russo and Jackson for reasons known only unto Him.

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