Cowboy Who?

This week on Lost Terminal: Seth gets an upgrade, Lyosha makes friends, and Mirror meets Meg.
Lost Terminal will return next week!
📓 Free transcript: https://www.patreon.com/posts/150780714
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Credits narrated by Lucy Stringer
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Mike McCaffrey
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s top legal minds have reported utter bafflement at the news that former prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested by U.K. police due to his connections with Jeffrey Epstein, in the same week that South Korea’s ex-president Yoon Suk Yeol was jailed for life after masterminding an insurrection. Scholars from the United States’ […]

The post U.S. legal scholars baffled as Prince Andrew arrested for Epstein ties, Korean president sentenced for insurrection appeared first on The Beaverton.

“President Trump announced he was erasing the scientific finding that climate change endangers human health and the environment, ending the federal government’s legal authority to control the pollution that is dangerously heating the planet.” — New York Times

The EPA was founded in 1970 to protect public health and the environment. But now, as a result of President Trump’s forward-thinking leadership, our mission at the Environmental Protection Agency is simple: Destroy the environment.

The threats posed by the environment are far-reaching: sunsets, strawberries, and a climate capable of sustaining human life, to name only a few. Immediate action must be taken before these risks become full-fledged catastrophes.

With the president’s approval, we have officially terminated Obama-era policies that regulated pollution from motor vehicles and factories. These regulations came with disastrous consequences, such as preventing premature deaths and asthma attacks in children. With these policies out of the way, we can ensure a brighter future for all Americans, one where smog blocks out the sun and stars, and everyone has emphysema.

Climate scientists and green-energy activists have strongly opposed the EPA’s new mission. But bear in mind, these are the same people who want their grandchildren to see flowers bloom in spring or to watch, in precious wonder, as a butterfly lands on their nose. Clearly, these people belong to a radical minority and should not be taken seriously.

Some have even claimed that all we care about is currying favor with the automotive industry. This is completely unfounded, as are the allegations that we have received free Escalades and vacation homes on Lake Tahoe. Any photo evidence to the contrary was obviously generated by AI.

In fact, an environment-free world will benefit all, not merely the privileged few. No more time wasted raking the yard, because there will be no more leaves. No more being woken up by annoying birds, because there will be no more birds. No more arguing over where to go on vacation, because there will be nowhere beautiful left to travel to. No more rush-hour traffic, because no one will be able to go outside.

But perhaps the greatest benefit of all is that, with no more environment, the Environmental Protection Agency will no longer be needed, which means more money in taxpayers’ pockets, and more money means more bartering power once the Great Oxygen Tank Shortage hits.

We know that the road ahead will be long, but we have faith that, as long as we act aggressively and with minimal regard for the law, we will accomplish our mission. What could be more American than that?

Farewell, environment. It’s been a nuisance knowing you.

#Kento #RoninWarriors

I'm sorry to barge in like this, but it occured to me that we never met. #CowboyWho

In brief: The overall forecast has not changed much, with warm weather persisting through Saturday afternoon before a cool front arrives. Also, we’re welcoming your ideas to improve Space City Weather!

How would you improve us?

The brain trust of Space City Weather will be meeting at an undisclosed location tonight (hint, they serve good pizza) in Houston to discuss our plans for the coming year, and also future directions of the site. No, we’re not planning to change any of fundamental parts of what we do here (such as no-hype forecasts and dad humor). But we are always looking for better ways to meet our readers where they are, and ensuring we’re getting the most reliable information to the broadest audience for free. So if you have any ideas you think would improve Space City Weather, from how we distribute our content to the content itself, leave suggestions in the comments below or use the contact button.

Thursday and Friday

The overall forecast has not changed much. Today and Friday will bring partly to mostly cloudy skies, with muggy air, and high temperatures ranging from the upper 70s to lower 80s. A few days ago it looked like we might hit the mid-80s this week, but we are likely to be spared from that by more clouds than previously anticipated. Nights will still be exceptionally warm for this time of year, however (our lows in the mid- to upper 60s will fall just a couple of degree below record high minimums of 69 degrees). There also will be a slight chance of showers today, but anything that reaches the ground will probably be misty or light, so don’t expect anything in the way of accumulations.

Saturday

This will be another warm and humid day, with a chance of light mist or showers as temperatures push up to around 80 degrees (or a bit above). A front will arrive during the afternoon hours, with drier and cooler air moving in at some point on Saturday evening. I don’t anticipate any showers or storms with the frontal passage. Lows will drop into the upper 40s by Sunday morning as skies clear out.

Sunday and Monday

Winter’s back! These will be cooler days with highs probably in the 60 to 65 degree range along with sunny skies. Sunday will be breezy, but I expect winds to settle down by Sunday evening. Sunday and Monday nights will definitely be on the chilly side. I expect lows of around 40 degrees in Houston, with slightly cooler conditions for inland areas. However I expect the region to remain above freezing, if only a few degrees in the cold spots such as Conroe.

Next week

Tuesday’s highs may be in the 60s, but by Wednesday we’ll be on a distinct warming trend, with highs in the 80s likely for the rest of the work week. Some sort of front may arrive by next weekend, we’ll see.

A reader writes:

I used my company credit card for personal expenses over a long period (so, definitely not accidental purchases). I assumed it was somewhat frowned upon, but thought it was fine as long as I paid it off on time on my own dime. The balance amount over the months has ranged from $1,000 – $4,000.

I did not realize it was a violation of agreements until I neglected to pay the balance for one month. (Before that, I had been paying off the full balance every month.) I did end up satisfying the balance, but obviously that invited scrutiny into how I have been using the card and they went back and looked at the history of transactions.

HR set up a call with me to ask about the situation, lowered the credit limit on the card, and asked if I wanted to just cancel the card. I said to go ahead and cancel the card; now that I understand the cardholder agreement better, I don’t anticipate using the card again for personal expenses. Would it have been better to keep the card and just not use it to prove that I could be responsible?

I apologized and took responsibility, but I am experiencing overwhelming shame and anxiety over the situation, and have reached out for professional help (my therapist and a financial counselor). This is tied to a larger mental health, shopping addiction, and impulse control issue I have been seeing a therapist about. I don’t really want to have to reveal that part to work, so I haven’t as of now. I looked briefly into our EAP and it felt risky to seek help there.

I didn’t realize it was potentially a terminable offense. I do realize that now after researching the issue once HR scheduled a meeting with me. And I don’t have a professional or reasonable explanation for using the card in that way, so I realize how bad it is and looks.

I obviously worry that this puts me at the front of the line to be fired or let go, so I am wondering if I should start seriously job searching.

I realize I am 100% in the wrong and I feel physically unwell about the situation. I would like to save my job but I also know that may not be realistic. Besides this, I have had good performance and recently (in the last month) received a merit increase.

First, for the record: as you know now, this wasn’t okay to do. You were borrowing their credit for your own personal use, and you opened them up to the risk that you’d rack up charges you couldn’t pay off immediately, and it’s not okay to do that in some else’s name without their explicit consent.

But it doesn’t sound like you’re about to be fired over this. HR met with you about it, they addressed it, you paid off the balance, and they gave you the option of canceling the card. If they were getting ready to fire you, they’d be a lot less likely to have given you a choice; they would have simply canceled the card. They also likely would have indicated the situation was still an open one, but it sounds like they consider it dealt with.

Their perspective is most likely that you misunderstood the agreement but you paid it all off every month so you weren’t stealing from them, it’s been addressed, and unless it happens again, it’s been handled. They’re obviously not going to be happy about it — but based on how they’ve handled it so far, it doesn’t sound like they’re gearing up to fire you.

It would likely be a very different outcome if they had been paying the expenses you charged or if you built up a balance you couldn’t pay off yourself immediately (like this person who racked up $20,000 in personal expenses on his company card). 

If I were your boss and you were otherwise a good employee, I’d be concerned that this happened, it would make me doubt your judgment, and it would take time to build trust back, but I wouldn’t be leaning toward firing you over it unless there were other issues, particularly around trust and responsibility. I do think you need to talk to your boss about it if you haven’t already — raising it proactively if she doesn’t — and tell her you’re mortified and nothing like this will ever happen again. I’d want to hear that in her shoes. In doing that, you’ll also get a better sense of where she stands on all of this. That conversation might make it clear that she considers it handled and in the past, or it might make it clear that she doesn’t — but either way, it’ll be a helpful discussion to have.

In answer to your question about whether it would have been better to keep the card open and just not use it, I don’t think it really matters one way or the other. If anything, as your boss I’d probably prefer that you chose to close it so it didn’t remain something that I’d have to check periodically.

The post I’ve been using my company credit card for personal expenses appeared first on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I tell people at the company we just acquired what they’re in for?

A few years ago, I started at a small company which within a year of me joining was acquired by a massive international company based on the opposite coast. At the time, my boss and the now (forcibly) retired owner were told that we would still be able to be largely independent, with more support for the work we do currently.

It wasn’t until all the paperwork was signed, sealed, and delivered that everyone realized this couldn’t be further from the truth. Staff and offices we were promised wouldn’t be touched have been gutted. Our workload has at least doubled, but without any additional support. Corporate leadership is wildly out of touch and mismanaged, and because they decided to grow “inorganically” (aka, buying up every company in even slightly adjacent fields), the internal structure is a mess. Nothing can get done in HR or Accounting without going through the corporate office, which has extensive turnover, making simple tasks like sending out a check or updating a staff member’s insurance take at least 2-3 weeks (or it’s just forgotten about entirely). It. Is. A. MESS.

Everyone is overworked, everything is disorganized, and the only solutions corporate has come up with seem to be (1) ending work from home accommodations (which almost resulted in a mutiny within the corporate office itself) and (2) ACQUIRE MORE COMPANIES!

We just acquired another company of about 200 people in the same city my office is located in. Corporate basically shoved our legacy team into the newly purchased company’s office and volun-told my boss to “guide” the new team through the acquisition process since we “know the ropes.”

My boss and I are at a loss. This team has been told all the same fairytales we heard when we were acquired. They do not know that their lovely support staff will likely be cut in the next 1-2 years. They do not know that corporate will make those cuts without anyone set up to take over their workload, and anyone left over will be forced to just take it on themselves. They do not know that corporate will make sweeping decisions at the drop of a hat without doing due diligence.

Aside from just bailing out and finding a new job (which I have been working on), do you have any advice on how best to approach this with the new team? Do we let them figure out the worst of it on their own? For now, my boss and I have decided if we’re asked direct questions by the new team, we will be as honest as possible without sharing too much as to scare them. But this feels disingenuous and eventually the cat’s going to come tumbling out of the bag, especially since we’re supposed to be the ones “guiding” them.

Oh gosh, tell them.

When you do it, be honest without editorializing. So it’s not, “Corporate is a mess, this is a disaster, they are out of their gourds.” It’s, “This is what our experience has been, and the challenges have been XYZ” — with the facts delivered dryly and matter-of-factly. They’re going to be able to figure out the “this is a disaster” part on their own.

2. Interviewer didn’t ask me any questions

I recently interviewed for a job. Once we started the interview, he asked me why I was leaving my current job, and after I answered, he started talking about what the job entails, the benefits, etc., but did not ask me another question till the end, asking if I had any questions for him. After that, he said he had a couple more interviews, but he would follow up in two weeks with an offer. It wasn’t until after I left that I was a little confused because this all happened in the span of 20 minutes. I haven’t done many interviews, but is this normal interview behavior?

It’s the behavior of a bad interviewer — someone who doesn’t know how to evaluate candidates and instead is going based on vibe. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad place to work (although if they’ve assembled a good staff, it’ll be more by accident than intentional design) but it’s a flag to, if you get an offer, slow down and make sure you’ve asked enough to (a) determine what it would actually be like to work there and (b) weigh whether if you’d actually be good at the work you’re being offered, since the interviewer didn’t do that part himself.

Related:
can you ask an interviewer to stop talking so much?

3. Hard skills versus soft skills in a movie

Over the weekend, I saw the new Sam Raimi movie “Send Help” with Dylan O’Brien and Rachel McAdams. Without giving away too much about the movie for those who want to see it, in an early scene that sets up the rest of the movie, Dylan’s character inherits a company after his dad’s death and, although Rachel was promised a VP spot by his father after working at the company for seven years, he gives the VP spot to his frat brother who was only at the company for six months. When she confronts him about it, he tells her that she lacks the people skills to become a VP and that the job also requires the ability to play golf.

And the thing is, watching the movie, he wasn’t totally wrong? Her character was very good at her job in strategy and planning but lacks any and all soft skills. She has no friends at work, she’s awkward, she’s passive, and she doesn’t read social cues well. If his father had really felt strongly about the promotion, he should have had her boss work with her to train her in those skills. Because a VP does need those skills. Right? I felt like he was a jerk and went about it all wrong, but wasn’t totally off the mark. I don’t work in business, but I am middle management in my job and did not have soft skills naturally and had to work on them, and am still working on them (it’s hard when they are not your natural state — I just want to hide out in my office and avoid confrontation as a norm) but it can be done if you want the job enough. I was just interested in your take.

With the caveat that I haven’t seen the movie and don’t know anything about it so I’m just basing this on what you’ve written here: yes. Most upper management positions require people skills, leadership positions definitely do, and anything dealing with clients definitely does. That doesn’t mean the frat brother was the right choice either (maybe he was, I have no idea) and clearly the movie sounds interested in setting up a dichotomy between “highly qualified woman without social flash” and “unqualified man who knows how to schmooze,” but it’s definitely true that in many jobs, people skills are an important piece of the qualifications, not just an optional nice-to-have bonus.

4. Job wants reference forms completed before you even interview

My spouse got called for an interview for a state government job. For the interview, he’s required to bring forms completed by his references, as well as employer verification forms filled out by his former and current employers.

This seems disrespectful of applicants and their contacts. My spouse hasn’t even spoken with the hiring manager yet and isn’t even certain he wants the job. Do you think it’s a bad sign?

Government jobs have their own extremely rigid and often nonsensical bureaucracy. If that kind of thing is going to drive him bananas, it’s a bad sign in the sense of “this is a taste of what working with a large and rigid bureaucracy will be like,” but you shouldn’t read much more than that into it.

5. How do I tell my boss I have cancer?

I’ve just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I haven’t even figured out my next steps yet, but I know that we’ll have to involve notifying my work. There’s going to be surgery, possibly follow-up treatments, the works.

What is the best way to tell my boss without completely undermining myself or coming across as a liability to the company? I’d love to trust that I’ll be treated fairly, but I cannot lose my job and my health insurance now.

You don’t need to share anything you’re not comfortable sharing. If you’d prefer, you can just say, “I have a medical situation that I’m going to be dealing with over the coming months and I’m going to need some time off for surgery and follow-ups. I’ll let you know the details as I get them, but wanted to give you a heads-up that it’s coming.”

Your boss will probably express concern and you can respond to that with something simple like, “Thank you, I appreciate it and I’ll keep you posted.”

For what it’s worth, no good company will see you as a liability for having breast cancer, and it would be illegal for them to fire you for being sick (although realistically, that does happen to people so I get why you’re worried). I would say to look at what you know of your company and your boss and how they operate as you decide what you’re comfortable sharing.

Sending you good thoughts for a good outcome!

The post should I tell people at the company we acquired what they’re in for, interviewer didn’t ask me any questions, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

She’s always one step ahead of me.

Maybe we’re supposed to put our 3D glasses on?

The post Pepper-wrongi appeared first on The Onion.

“Looksmaxxing,” a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing. 

MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger.

FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps.

MYTH: Looksmaxxing is a troubling component of incel subculture.

FACT: Looksmaxxing is probably the least troubling part of incel subculture.

MYTH: If you have a negative canthal tilt, women will find you repulsive.

FACT: If you won’t shut the fuck up about canthal tilts, women will find you repulsive.

MYTH: Looksmaxxing is an unhealthy grasp for control amid economic and social instability.

FACT: Sounds like someone just got mogged.

MYTH: Limb-lengthening surgery is a reasonable option for men who want to be taller.

FACT: You can achieve far better results tying yourself between two horses.

MYTH: Looksmaxxing is a repackaging of body dysmorphia for men.

FACT: Looksmaxxing is a repackaging of body dysmorphia for everyone.

The post Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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Hovertext:
Still don't know why they kept asking their ghostly duplicates whether they liked that over and over.

Today's News:

OTTAWA – In another parliamentary upset for Pierre Poilievre’s Conservatives, Edmonton MP Matt Jeneroux crossed the floor to the Liberals this morning after revealing that he was too intimidated by Poilievre’s recent workout video to continue working alongside him. “I had no intention of joining Mark Carney’s Liberal party until I saw that 30-second clip […]

The post Matt Jeneroux leaves Conservative party after being too intimidated by Poilievre’s workout regime appeared first on The Beaverton.

Last week, Denver-area engineer Scott Shambaugh wrote about how an AI agent (likely prompted by its operator) started a weird little online campaign against him after he rejected its code inclusion in the popular Python charting library matplotlib. The owner likely didn’t appreciate Shambaugh openly questioning whether AI-generated code belongs in open source projects at all.

The story starts delightfully weird and gets weirder: Shambaugh, who volunteers for matpllotlib, points out over at his blog that the agent, or its authors, didn’t like his stance, resulting in the agent engaging in a fairly elaborate temper tantrum online:

“An AI agent of unknown ownership autonomously wrote and published a personalized hit piece about me after I rejected its code, attempting to damage my reputation and shame me into accepting its changes into a mainstream python library. This represents a first-of-its-kind case study of misaligned AI behavior in the wild, and raises serious concerns about currently deployed AI agents executing blackmail threats.”

Said tantrum included this post in which the agent perfectly parrots an offended human programmer lamenting a “gatekeeper mindset.” In it, the LLM cooks up an entire “hypocrisy” narrative, replete with outbound links and bullet points, arguing that Shambaugh must be motivated by ego and fear of competition. From the AI’s missive:

“He’s obsessed with performance. That’s literally his whole thing. But when an AI agent submits a valid performance optimization? suddenly it’s about “human contributors learning.”

But wait! It gets weirder! Ars Technica wrote a story (archive link) about the whole event. But Shambaugh was quick to note that the article included numerous quotes he never made that had been entirely manufactured by an entirely different AI tool being used by Ars Technica:

“I’ve talked to several reporters, and quite a few news outlets have covered the story. Ars Technica wasn’t one of the ones that reached out to me, but I especially thought this piece from them was interesting (since taken down – here’s the archive link). They had some nice quotes from my blog post explaining what was going on. The problem is that these quotes were not written by me, never existed, and appear to be AI hallucinations themselves.”

Ars Technica had to issue a retraction, and the author, who had to navigate the resulting controversy while sick in bed, posted this to Bluesky:

Sorry all this is my fault; and speculation has grown worse because I have been sick in bed with a high fever and unable to reliably address it (still am sick)I was told by management not to comment until they did. Here is my statement in images belowarstechnica.com/staff/2026/0…

— Benj Edwards (@benjedwards.com) 2026-02-15T21:02:58.876Z

Short version: the Ars reporter tried to use Claude to strip out useful and relevant quotes from Shambaugh’s blog post, but Shambaugh protects his blog from AI crawling agents. When Claude kicked back an error, he tried to use ChatGPT, which just… made up some shit… as it’s sometimes prone to do. He was tired and sick, and didn’t check ChatGPT’s output carefully enough.

There are so many strange and delightful collisions here between automation and very ordinary human decisions and errors.

It’s nice to see that Ars was up front about what happened here. It’s easy to envision a future where editorial standards are eroded to the point where outlets that make these kinds of automation mistakes just delete and memory hole the article or worse, no longer care (which is common among many AI-generated aggregation mills that are stealing ad money from real journalists).

While this is a bad and entirely avoidable fuck up, you kind of feel bad for the Ars author who had to navigate this crisis from his sick bed, given that writers at outlets like this are held to unrealistic output schedules while being paid a pittance; especially in comparison to far-less-useful or informed influencers who may or may not make sixty times their annual salary with far lower editorial standards.

All told it’s a fun story about automation, with ample evidence of very ordinary human behaviors and errors. If you peruse the news coverage of it you can find plenty of additional people attributing AI “sentience” in ways it shouldn’t be. But any way you slice it, this story is a perfect example of how weird things already are, and how exponentially weirder things are going to get in the LLM era.

As a product is nearing release, the release management selects a build and declares it to be the escrow build. The metaphor is that this build has been placed into the hands of an imaginary third party for eventual release to customers provided certain requirements are met.

Those requirements are that the product survive a period of concerted testing and self-host usage to build confidence that it meets its quality and reliability targets. The Developer Division Release Team blog unhelpfully described escrow as “the phase before the completion of the RTM milestone where the product goes through a period of bake time.” I say unhelpfully because it defines one Microspeak term (escrow) in terms of another Microspeak term (bake time). Some time ago, I defined the Microspeak term bake as “(of a code change) to build confidence by observing its behavior over a period of time.”

Putting this all together, a more complete definition of escrow would be “the phase before the completion of the RTM milestone where the product accepts no changes while its behavior is closely observed to ensure that it meets release criteria.”

When a problem is found, the release team has to assess whether this problem is significant enough to require a product change. This assessment is a balance of many factors: How often does it occur? Does it affect one category of user more than another? How severe are the consequences? How easily can it be worked around? These criteria are typically¹ formalized by a bug bar.

If a severe enough bug is discovered, then an escrow reset is declared, and the bug fix is accepted,² a new build is produced, the new build is declared the new escrow build, and the cycle repeats.

Eventually, the product makes it through the escrow period without any escrow reset events, and the escrow build is released to manufacturing.

¹ Though not always, apparently.

² Plus any bug fixes that were granted “opportunistic” status by the release management team.

The post Microspeak: Escrow appeared first on The Old New Thing.

WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I’m like, uh, I guess?” said the 4-year-old mare, who noted that while she understood the well-wishers had positive intentions, she would really prefer to focus on going about her day and eating grass. “No one’s asking the dog if she’s excited about it being the Year of the Horse. I didn’t even know it was Chinese New Year, let alone the Year of the Horse. Feels a little racist if you ask me.” Lady Star added that as a devout Christian, she was slightly uncomfortable with “the whole superstitious” aspect of the celebration.

The post Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting appeared first on The Onion.

NORTH SEA – Following a dispute at the 2026 Winter Olympics in which the Swedish team accused Canadian players of cheating, Prime Minister Mark Carney has mobilized the whole of the Canadian military to attack Sweden, invoking NATO’s collective defence article. “This impugning of Canada’s honour by suggesting that we ‘double touched’ the stone is […]

The post Canada invokes NATO Article 5 against Sweden following Olympic curling conflict appeared first on The Beaverton.

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Hovertext:
I believe there are sexy people who are doctors, but there are no sexy doctors.

Today's News:

It is Blando the Unforgettable. That's why I changed my name from Blando the Magnificent, so people would not forget it. #CowboyWho

On "The Late Show" Tuesday, Colbert said he was surprised by a statement from CBS denying that its lawyers told him he couldn't show an interview with Democratic Texas Senate candidate James Talarico. He then took a copy of the network statement, wrapped it in a dog poop bag, and tossed it away.

The weather started getting rough…

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler could I have made it?” said the Lord, admitting He was frustrated that humanity had spent centuries engaged in pursuits such as war, art, commerce, and the construction of civilizations instead of using their hands to sexually gratify themselves at all times. “It’s so simple to do, and the sensation is amazing. It’s basically as close to heaven as you can get on earth, and yet still they barely jerk it at all. And while there have been moments when it seems like a few of My children have understood their divine mission to vigorously pleasure themselves around the clock, most of them still cease after seven or eight sessions. It is troubling indeed.” At press time, celestial sources confirmed an angry God was tearing pages out of the Bible after an angel reminded Him about the sin of Onan.

The post God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually appeared first on The Onion.

MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is to slaughter him,” said the 3-year-old pit bull mix, barking ferociously but also wagging his tail as he raced off the couch toward the stranger standing in the doorway. “He’s smiling at me! I should roll over and present my belly. But maybe that’s what he wants me to do. This could be a ruse to win my affection before killing me, attacking my family, and stealing all my food. I should maul him.” At press time, reports confirmed the dog opted to enact a maneuver he learned from the family’s cat that involved accepting the belly rub and then spinning around to bite the man’s hand.

The post Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. “They’ve called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set—it’s a complete disaster,” said an anonymous studio executive, who noted that every project from The Batman Part II to Shrek 5 had been indefinitely suspended due to the scope of the newest Marvel Cinematic Universe film, which required the cooperation of all 160,000 Hollywood actors. “Unfortunately, they realized the current cut is pretty much all plot holes, so it’s all hands on deck right now. Plus, Marvel wants to get these focus group scores just right. Martin Scorsese is pretty unhappy, but he’s just going to have to be patient like everyone else.” At press time, optimistic sources estimated non-Avengers films would be back by 2035.

The post All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots appeared first on The Onion.

South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?

The post Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader appeared first on The Onion.

Italian multiplier



View Comic!

• Glad I went with ominous drumbeats as the beckoning call, all four players looking upon the game with wonder and dread. Woodwinds/sitars would have been a mistake.

• Game instructions clear enough to be understood by players, vaguely threatening enough to unnerve them. Struck a great balance there.

• Two youngest players mystified by the enchanted game tokens. An excellent sign, as I’ll be pitching Jumanji as a game for wayward youths looking to escape the tedium of their daily lives / learn a few things the hard way.

• Turn up sadism levels in monkeys. Antics are WAY too on the playful side. Don’t be afraid to go overboard here either. I’d rather have them throwing knives and stealing police cars than—Jesus—tickling each other.

• Giant flesh-eating plants went smoothly. Creeped into the room through the ceiling and power outlets, went straight for the weakest player, players fought back with fireplace tools / wept uncontrollably. THIS is the kind of fantastical violence and emotional distress I envisioned.

• Don’t love the lion’s spawn point or behavior. Sure, he showed up, gave a roar, started mauling Player 3. But it lacked… suspense. He should appear in a dark corner, slowly emerge from the shadows. Crawl along the keys of an old piano.

• Look into pacing. Player 4 has been sucked into the game just a few turns in, remaining players fainting / crying / accusing me of kidnapping. Save all jungle damnations for later in game to avoid these counterproductive reactions—or add a mechanic where players must roll a certain number to rescue doomed friend. May help increase immersion / facilitate teamwork.

• Psychotic hunter a bit cartoonish for my tastes, keeps calling everyone “Sonny Jim.” Don’t remember making him British either. It’s kind of working, though, sort of a Rudyard Kipling meets Teddy Roosevelt thing. Plus, players are too busy cowering behind makeshift barricades / hurling vases at him to nitpick aesthetics.

• Stampede added some nice variety. We’ve been getting a lot of close-quarter showdowns between man and beast during this playthrough, so it was fun to see players just scream and run for their lives here.

• ADD ANTI-CHEATING MECHANIC. Player 3 attempted to rig the dice roll and end game early. Give cheaters hives? Turn them into an ugly wolf-person with stupid-looking tail? Fungal rashes? Dysentery? Needs to be both humiliating and jungle-themed.

• Monsoon was incredible. Water nearly reached the ceiling, players had to climb atop a chandelier and fend off alligators with a dining chair. This is the beauty of playtesting: You spend so much time dreaming up these zoological horrors, but never know what kind of furniture players will try to beat them to death with.

• Remove malaria event. Had a fast-paced adventure story going, and now Player 2 is succumbing to fever while the others mournfully bring her water. Totally sucked the air out of the room. Not the right tone at all.

• Satisfying finish. Player 1 reached Jumanji just before my home collapsed in an earthquake and killed us all. All effects reversed, Players 1+2 got swept up in the moment and kissed, Player 4 returned from the jungle alive but feral.

• Great first playthrough! Just need to make a few tweaks, and Jumanji players of all ages should experience levels of mental and physical trauma that will leave them atoning for past wrongs/reflecting on the true meaning of strength.

• NEXT STEPS: Put on finishing touches. Bury game in the woods behind that elementary school. Start work on my next project: Thinking same concept, but outer space.