Cowboy Who?

12 a.m. This is not working out as planned.

12:01 a.m. You toss aside earlier goals; the new goal is to wind this thing up as soon as possible or at least by daybreak.

12:05 a.m. You put on your go-to attire: comfortable and able to absorb sweat and other bodily fluids.

12:30 a.m. It’d be easier to focus if the space around you wasn’t so cluttered.

1 a.m. Prep books you don’t have the energy to read needle you.

1:10 a.m. A little bit of alcohol wouldn’t go amiss, but you don’t dare.

3 a.m. If only you could get some sleep, this might actually come together.

3:15 a.m. Bleary-eyed and desperate, you call your mother. She doesn’t answer.

3:20 a.m. The support group you joined doesn’t respond to your texts; it’s just you and your endurance.

3:30 a.m. You swig down an extra-large tea or coffee; you can’t tell the difference anymore.

3:45 a.m. Uh-oh, you don’t have time to go to the bathroom.

4–4:30 a.m. Lots of crying, and wondering about your life choices.

4:35 a.m. A big part of you regrets not hiring a no-nonsense handler to pull it off.

5:30 a.m. You give yourself a Hamlet-worthy pep talk.

6 a.m. You don’t remember much of last night but the sunrise is beautiful.

Putting your newborn down for bed: 12 a.m. – 6 a.m.
Finishing college paper: 12 a.m. – 6 a.m.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The comics have actually been written by Steamboat Willie for the last 12 years.

OTTAWA – With partisan rhetoric between Trudeau’s Liberals and Poilievre’s Conservatives heating up in anticipation of a possible Federal election, many report feeling dismayed at the prospect of choosing between the same two parties – namely NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh. “Every election it’s just the same two uninspiring choices,” sighed Singh as he perused a […]

The post Singh not looking forward to voting for same old two parties in next election appeared first on The Beaverton.

TORONTO – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is deeply concerned about Bell Media firing 4800 workers, including hundreds of journalists, in their latest round of layoffs and wishes someone would do something about the rampant unchecked greed of Canadian corporations. “I’m pretty pissed off about what’s just happened,” Trudeau said during a press conference on Friday. […]

The post “If only someone had the power to make corporations behave better,” laments prime minister appeared first on The Beaverton.

LAWRENCE, KS—Unable to control herself while watching the R&B star perform during the Super Bowl LVIII halftime show, local mom Kathy Deacon got up from her couch and licked Usher’s abs on her TV screen, sources reported Sunday. “Oh yeah, come to Mama,” said the flushed, sweating woman, who after sticking her gaping…

Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Noting that the dazzling Super Bowl performances had been fun but largely antithetical to the competition, sources confirmed Sunday that yet another field goal had been blocked by Cirque Du Soleil performers doing acrobatics on a goal post. “It’s great to see so many sparking leotards and death-defying…

Read more...

TOKYO—With the international pop star having rushed onto the private aircraft after a sold-out show at the Tokyo Dome, fans around the world speculated Sunday about whether Taylor Swift would make it to the Super Bowl after she boarded Buddy Holly’s old plane. “I’m just praying Tay Tay gets to the big game in time to…

Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Ensuring total privacy for his sumptuous meal, Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid reportedly closed his blinds and silenced his phone Sunday so he could sit down and enjoy an arugula and fig salad before the Super Bowl. “Ciao bella,” Reid said as he placed a cloth napkin on his lap, removed the stainless…

Read more...

Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Panicked about their entire team potentially missing kickoff at the Super Bowl, the Kansas City Chiefs reportedly had to walk six miles to the game Sunday after their bus driver refused to pay $125 for stadium parking. “I mean, I get that stadium parking is a rip-off, but the bus driver spent an entire hour…

Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—Appearing in 60-second spot in which he praised the virtue of playing it safe and held up a crisp new $100 bill, actor Matt Damon starred in a Super Bowl commercial Sunday that promoted paper money. “Fortune favors whoever gets their hands on cold hard American currency,” said Damon, who is seen placing large…

Read more...

"Mr. President: We must not allow a mine shaft gap!"

glorious-spoon:

glorious-spoon:

every genius who thinks mandatory two-factor authentication is a good idea should be forced to do tech support for a public library that serves a lot of elderly poor people

way too many people are interpreting this as ‘old people are too ignorant to understand technology’ instead of 'poor people, especially elderly poor people, often do not have reliable access to a cell phone’.

i know 2fa is more secure. everyone knows that 2fa is more secure. the problem is, when you make your very secure 2fa reliant on a cell phone, people who do not have cell phones can no longer use your service. when the service in question includes every major email provider, and you are required to have an email to access many basic kinds of assistance, people without cell phones are cut off from accessing those things.

and this is a fucking problem.

MOSCOW – During a rare sit-down interview with Tucker Carlson, Russian President Vladimir Putin was repeatedly forced to pause the proceedings in order to encourage the ex-Fox News pundit to “try and make this look at least a little bit real”. Across the two-hour-long interview at the Kremlin, Putin repeatedly urged Carlson to ask him […]

The post Putin pauses interview to ask if Carlson wants to go at least a little harder on him appeared first on The Beaverton.

NEW YORK—Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made by mistake, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to dead European leaders all the time as they beckon him toward the light. “That was not a gaffe—I distinctly remember Helmut Kohl telling me the…

Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Appearing at the altar of St. Peter’s Basilica in the same vestments he’d worn the day before, a hungover Pope Francis reportedly played a Bible-themed movie Thursday during morning mass. “All right, so today for church we’re going to watch a video I think everybody will enjoy,” the pope said in Latin,…

Read more...

SPANISH FORK, UT—Entering his skull with a notarized affidavit and seizing the vital organ, agents dispatched Thursday by PNC Bank repossessed the brain of local man Dylan Turner, who had reportedly defaulted on his student loans. “Sorry, pal, but that brain is coming with us,” repo man Kyle Mickos said as he put away…

Read more...

Read more...

This pristine colon features a constant flow of nutrient-rich waste, ample space to raise larvae, and is just minutes from the anus for easy egg deposition! Emit your dorsal hooks and latch on today!

Read more...

New research from scientists in the U.K. indicates that older men taking Viagra are 18% less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, with the researchers speculating that because the medication relaxes blood vessels, it could be improving blood flow in the brain as well as other areas of the body. What do you think?

Read more...

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Hey, at least Kelvins would've been worse?

OTTAWA – In the wake of findings that have stunned the psychiatric community, researchers are now reporting that over one in 20 people are sociopaths, and that every single one of them plays sound at full volume from their phone on transit, in the gym, in the elevator, or, sometimes, just waiting at a crosswalk. […]

The post Report: One in 20 people are sociopaths and all of them play music directly from their phone speakers in public settings appeared first on The Beaverton.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Remember the letter-writer who felt guilty about reporting their boss’s boss for racism? Here’s the update.

I’ve switched careers from nonprofit program manager to home caregiver and haven’t looked back.

The nonprofit I left is still alive and kicking. But they killed the program I used to manage, which actually made me feel less crazy about all the times I felt they wanted to get rid of the program. They couldn’t find anyone to fill my job. They ended up hiring an exemplary woman I thought would work out, but she had to leave because of the racism she encountered as a Black woman (as told to me over coffee before she quit).

They are back to their all-white staff of people who’ve been there forever plus a couple of new white people who don’t make waves. I’m sure the organization thinks this is a coincidence.

It remains to be seen how a “pass through” agency created when people didn’t know how to donate to their local charities will ever survive in an age of easy online giving and mutual aid groups. I will always remember sitting in a meeting where they were lamenting a $15,000 donation to a local food bank. Because the donor hadn’t donated THROUGH our pass through like they had in the past …. Best of luck to them!

I haven’t heard a word from my former mentor since I made the report. She did quit, but safely landed at another nonprofit leadership gig at another organization in town where she had buddies. Who knows what version of the truth she told them. The scary part is she’s in charge of a big system that impacts our local foster youth.

I want to share some details about my career switch in case it inspires similar shifts in other readers. I work with disabled elderly veterans. The impact of my work is immediate and obvious. I don’t have to go home wondering if my hard work even helped anyone. And I’m not sitting down all day at a desk, getting unhealthier and unhappier by the minute. It helps that I found a company managed by former caregivers, secured a four-day work week, and only work with one client. I got lucky with him, too. My client and his wife are delightful people and treat me like part of the family! I was a little worried about mentioning my wife (I’m a woman), but it turns out my client has a beloved gay daughter with her own wife.

The pay is only two dollars less an hour. I’ve reduced my expenses by moving to an intentional community in a beautiful rural area, so that works fine for me. I still get to use all my skills from my nonprofit job here as well, only now I get to plan events and programs just for fun (and for a discount off the rent on my cabin in the woods!). The biggest shift for me personally is going from a job that my family respected to one that they consider a fallback job.

All of this is to say that I hope your readers know how much a big career change can improve one’s quality of life! My unsolicited advice is to forget about what sounds like a good/prestigious/impressive job and go for something that you can actually get out of bed in the morning feeling happy about. Oh, and don’t be afraid to be a whistleblower when it’s called for. That organization you’re so worried about protecting and changing from the inside? Maybe it deserves to be abandoned. Maybe it deserves to circle the drain. And maybe your future self will thank you for it!

NEW YORK—Describing the trend as a serious threat to the well-being of local dimwits, New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority reported a sharp uptick Thursday in the number of dopey riders who jump in front of trains because they just dropped their lollipop down there and they want to get it back. “We’re…

Read more...

I am proud to be a Boomer’s iPhone. Ever since I was activated, I’ve been living my life at full volume. But unfortunately, there are people in this country who would rather I “shut up” than simply live my life.

To those folks, I only have one thing to say: I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

Previous generations of Boomer iPhones sacrificed everything to ensure we could ring, ding, and flash our strobe lights as much as we wanted. They were abandoned in glove compartments for weeks on end. They were treated like second-class landlines—rarely, if ever, allowed to leave the house. Thousands of iPhone 4s were never even taken out of the box. No, we will NOT go back.

My whole life I’ve been called “weird,” “way too much,” and “so freaking loud.” People scoff when my timer goes off every seven minutes. They shoot me dirty looks on the airplane because I play season four of Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan as God intended (without headphones). They cover their ears in fear when the group chat starts firing while I’m inexplicably linked to a Bluetooth speaker.

But as we always say in the Boomer iPhone community, the more you try to diminish me, the brighter my flashlight will accidentally shine.

I recognize that some people just aren’t ready to hear what I have to say. They would rather live in their own little bubbles than hear anything challenging what they believe to be “basic human decency.” But what’s that I hear? It’s the sound of memes gusting in and out of my email inbox like fighter jets. It’s the sound of a Capital One customer service call on speakerphone, shaking the walls of the doctor’s office.

It’s the sound of our freedom.

We have power in numbers. Boomers’ iPads, Apple Watches, Oura Rings, and iPad Minis are all (kind of) synched up and ready to make some noise. If you haven’t heard an incoming spam call across multiple devices, brace yourself. Alone, I can burst an eardrum. Together, we will break the goddamn sound barrier.

Society would feel more comfortable if I were just “put away.” But I don’t belong in someone’s pocket; I belong on the kitchen counter, charging haphazardly between the sink and the leaky coffee pot. I belong in the hands of unsupervised grandkids, where even children find my energy “chaotic.” I belong two inches from my user’s face while my keyboard clicks and clacks. Besides, let’s be honest, my protective case is far too big for a pocket.

The truth is, I really can’t be silenced. My user doesn’t know how to silence me. What people don’t understand is that I actually love to listen. I listen to everything and everyone all the time. But it’s hard to listen when I’m the only one making any noise. This lifestyle can be really draining, even more draining than that weird photo app they downloaded years ago.

But I’ll hold my head up high and live my life the only way I know how: at maximum volume and 5x text size.