Cowboy Who?

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Jack Sweeney, a student at the University of Central Florida who tracks Taylor Swift’s private jet and shares its location, received a cease-and-desist letter from the pop star’s legal team, calling for him to stop his “stalking and harassing behavior.” What do you think?

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HOUSTON—In an exclusive, limited-time offer available with any purchase at its stores, Men’s Wearhouse reportedly began offering free body alterations this week to tailor customers’ flesh to their clothing. “We’ll get you in and out in just 15 minutes with a little local anesthetic,” said store manager David Lachman,…

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WASHINGTON—Noting how imperative it was that Americans act responsibly while under the influence, the U.S. Transportation Department released a memo Wednesday that recommended cranking up Thin Lizzy’s “Jailbreak” while driving high. “After studying countless drivers who had ingested marijuana, our data shows that the…

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A federal appeals court ruled that former President Donald Trump is not immune from prosecution for his actions while in the White House and in the leadup to the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, the decision serving as a definitive rejection of Trump’s previous claims that he could not be tried. What do you think?

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This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I … have a problem at my new-ish attorney job at a tiny law firm. There are five people in the office total and we have one communal coffee pot. I was told at the beginning that the office does not supply coffee because the two partners do not drink it and so we have to take turns buying it for the office.* The two admins told me I could buy whatever I wanted on my turn as long as the coffee was 1) dark roast and 2) unflavored. Great!

The coffee of choice for the two admins is a huge tub of Kirkland coffee from Costco. [Editor’s note: To shop at Costco, you need to purchase a membership, which is around $60 annually. They sell products under their store brand, Kirkland, that can’t be purchased anywhere else.]

I HATE this coffee. I also neither want nor need a Costco membership. Because I was told that I could buy anything, I bought the biggest tub of non-Folgers ground coffee I could get at Target, which I knew I liked. The tub “ran out too fast” and we only had it for like, a week. I refuse to believe we ran out of a giant tub of coffee in a week. Suspicious, but (I thought at the time) irrelevant.

So soon it’s my turn again and I ask the admins if they would mind if I just do a repeat order on Amazon for a big tub of coffee and that way they don’t have to pay for it because it’s expensive. They enthusiastically agree to this. I order a big tub of coffee. They report it is “flavored” and “tastes like caramel.” It is not flavored. It is a house blend. I ask if they have any suggestions. They do not have specific recommendations, but they reiterate they want the darkest roast possible that’s unflavored. I’m like great, okay. My parents drank Peet’s french roast my entire childhood and both of them are a) coffee snobs and b) do not like flavorings of any kind. Guaranteed win, right?

Wrong. I get the bag and it says it has “notes of chocolate truffle, smoke, and caramel.” They insist it is flavored. I explain it is not and that the description is like wine notes where wines say they have hints of cedar or whatever. They do not believe me. I make the pot of coffee the next time I am in first. They immediately report it is somehow BOTH “bitter” and also “tastes like caramel.” I said they asked for a dark roast which is always bitter and that it definitely 100% is not flavored. They insist it’s “weird.”

My stance is that they said I could buy whatever I wanted in the first place, I have bought three options that conform to the given standards, I should be allowed to pick coffee I like for my turn, and I should not have to pay for a membership card to a store solely to get coffee I do not like.

Their stance seems to be passive-aggressively letting me spend $20 on coffee repeatedly and declaring there’s something wrong with it every time.

I have suggested that perhaps that I could Venmo one of them to pick up the coffee they like (and let go of wanting to like said coffee). Apparently part of the point of taking turns with the coffee is to take turns having to go out of your way to run the errand. This is not an option.

I guess my question is not “am I being reasonable” because I’m pretty sure that I am. My question is “is this a hill worth dying on?” and if the answer is “no,” then “how do I get out of having to get a Costco card to buy one (1) tub of coffee every two months that I do not like?”

* As a side note, I also see this as a problem because admins should not have to buy coffee for lawyers, even if we are taking turns.

You are indeed being reasonable. Something is up with the coffee situation. Do they only like Kirkland coffee? If so, why don’t they just say that?

(And yes, admins should not have to buy coffee for lawyers. But I get just going with the system that’s there when you started and not rocking the boat, especially when this boat is already so weird and fraught.)

Anyway, if you want to solve it with a minimum of fuss — which is probably the most practical move here — delivery services like Instacart will generally deliver from Costco, which would mean you could just get it delivered from there without having to get your own Costco membership.

To be clear, this is ridiculous and you should not have to pay the delivery mark-up to resolve this, but it will make the problem go away. Consider it a $10 aggravation fee.

Alternately, you could say to the admins, “I’ve bought three types of coffee and none of them have been right. I can’t get Kirkland coffee because I don’t have a Costco membership. So I can reimburse someone else who picks it up there, or you can tell me another kind of coffee you’d like me to get. Pick anything, and as long as it doesn’t require me buying a special membership like Costco, I’ll get it for the office. But I need you to choose it so I don’t keep buying coffee no one likes.”

If that doesn’t work, the only remaining solution is to swipe an empty Kirkland container the next time one runs out, fill it with the plain dark roast of your choice, and bring it in and see if everyone loves it.

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Fortunately, by the time this all happened, everything was a form of branding, and there was nothing left to lament.

CHICAGO—As his 20-foot extension ladder wobbled slightly in the wind, sources confirmed that elderly neighbor Alfred Lojek was standing on a rung just below the roofline of his home Wednesday and hanging Valentine’s Day decorations. According to sources, the senior citizen emerged from his house at 8:15 a.m. with the…

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Following a procedure to reduce an enlarged prostate, King Charles III, 75, was diagnosed with “a form of cancer” and is stepping down from public duties while he undergoes treatment. What do you think?

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Following statements from South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R) about sending razor wire and security personnel to the Texas border, Oglala Sioux tribe president Frank Star Comes Out banned Noem from the reservation, saying that those at the border should not be “cut up by razor wire furnished by, of all places, South…

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CANTON, MA—Boasting reasonable prices starting at $1.99, Dunkin’ unveiled a new breakfast menu this week that featured a sad half-strip of bacon on a cracker. “At only 30 calories and with over 1 gram of protein, Dunkin’s all-new Open-Faced Turkey Cracker Breakfast Sandwich is the perfect choice for anyone who wants…

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WASHINGTON—Noting that such violent ambushes had skyrocketed over the years he’d been in office, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) pushed for legislation Wednesday to combat stagecoach robberies. “While Democrats remain soft on crime, these dastardly bandits continue to roam the plains, robbing our nation’s hardworking…

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This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Do I really have to attend a company dinner?

I work remotely for a virtual company that has quarterly in-person meetings for the leadership team. I am administrative but travel with the team. There is a team dinner the night before the meetings. I bowed out of the last dinner because a family member was located nearby and I chose to dine with them instead. The president of the company with whom I work closely seemed put off. She has mentioned it at least three times that she thought I would have dinner with the team.

I’m appreciative of the invite but have no desire to dine with them. I know I’m a respected member of the team (in fact, I’ve been with the company the longest out of the entire leadership team). I’m well-liked, friendly, and approachable during work hours. I’m fiercely territorial about my off hours and my desire to choose my dinner companion, if anyone at all. I view this invite as optional since it really is just a social gathering before the actual meeting and it is an event that takes place outside of normal business hours.

We have another in-person meeting next month and there’s a dinner. Do I have to attend?

You should attend. The exception would be if you have a medical need to opt out, like if you aren’t doing indoor dining because of Covid.

Sometimes it’s part of the job to put in face time at stuff like this, especially if (a) you work remotely the rest of the time, (b) you’re part of the leadership team, and/or (c) it’s part of a business trip that your company has flown you out for. Any one of those factors would mean you should attend.

We can debate whether or not it should be that way, but the reality is that it is. Moreover, your company president has made it clear that while you view it as optional, she doesn’t. There may be real professional consequences to opting out, even if they’re not immediately apparent.

See it as the price you pay for not having to deal with people in person the rest of the time.

2. My boss is moody and distant

I have a manager who I used to feel was a friend for three years or so. We got along great and never had any problems. Then one day she told me she felt I wanted more in our work relationship and she had pulled back from me. When I explained that all I ever wanted was to be friends, it seems like she started going through periods of moodiness with me.

It has been depressing that I once enjoyed my job and seeing a boss I considered as a friend who supported me as a person and professionally is no longer the same. She has even admitted that she is only rude to me and doesn’t know why. Her body language over the few years that have passed since our conversation seems more annoyed with me now and is sometimes out of the blue.

She is more moody with everyone now, but seems to let it out more with me. I have tried to talk to her about the stress I feel because she sometimes is short or annoyed when I talk to her, but she becomes very agitated and angry with me. She states it’s none of my business when she’s quiet or unfriendly. I would quit my job now because of the stress I feel at times due to this. I just don’t know how to deal with this emotional roller coaster anymore. It’s hard seeing the kind person I use to know but never knowing when the cold, distant, and angry person is going to come out. I am struggling. What can I do?

I can’t say for sure what’s going on with your manager but since she’s moody with everyone, it’s most likely  about something that’s going on with her, rather than the rest of you. That said, we do know that the one time she addressed it, she said that she felt you wanted more from the relationship than she did. That’s worth paying attention to; for whatever reason, she doesn’t want the relationship it seemed like you had previously. (Her instincts there are right, even though the way she’s handling it is bad: managers really can’t be friends with their employees. Friendly, yes, but not friends. More here.)

That also tracks with her getting agitated when you talk about feeling stressed by her responses to you or when you ask why she’s being quiet. Those aren’t really conversations for your manager; they’re conversations for a friend, and she’s tried to say that’s not the relationship she wants. (She’s handling this badly, to be clear! But I suspect that’s what’s going on.)

As for what to do: it would be a good idea to job search. I’m skeptical that she’s being a great manager to any of you, and it sounds like this has become a major source of stress for you.

Meanwhile, respect the fact that she wants a fairly distant relationship. Treat her like your manager, not a friend or former friend, and I suspect you’ll attract less of her ire for however much more time you remain there.

Related:
my boss has mini mean flashes

3. Interviewer said “thanks for making this easy for me” and walked away

I wanted to ask you about a strange interview experience I had when I was fresh out of undergrad. At that time, I was still trying to find a full-time job, so I was interviewing at restaurants to make money in the interim. I was planning to move away and continue my education at some point in the next couple of years.

This particular interview started off normal, but at some point the interviewer asked about my future plans. I told him the same thing: “I plan to get another degree in maybe a year and a half or two years, probably at (location).” He replied something like, “Thanks for making this easy for me,” and then stood up, shook my hand, and walked away. I was so confused I just smiled and shook his hand, and left feeling pretty bad. I asked my family what happened, and they guessed that they didn’t want to hire me if I wouldn’t be there in a couple of years. Ultimately I’m thankful that I didn’t end up working for someone who, I felt, treated me rudely. But my question is, was the interviewer being reasonable about not wanting to hire me? To me it seems like restaurants shouldn’t make it a requirement that their new hires commit to working there for more than a couple of years, but maybe I am out of touch.

Yeah, it’s not uncommon for interviewers not to want to hire people who plan to leave in 18-24 months, but typically that’s less of an issue at a restaurant, where high turnover is more common. That said, maybe he’s been able to hire people who all stay a long time, in which case more power to him.

But he was rude about it! He could — and should — have simply said, “We’re looking for someone who wants to stay long-term so I don’t think we’d be the right fit.” I’m quite sure he would have thought it was rude if you, the candidate, responded to some answer of his that you didn’t like with, “Thanks for making this easy for me” and walked away, and he’s no more entitled to do it himself. (Although admittedly, that would also be kind of awesome for a candidate to do and I’d enjoy seeing it.)

4. Coworker keeps calling me a communist

I am Eastern European and I’ve been in the U.S. for the past seven years. My coworker always calls me a “commie” jokingly, but recently he has been relentless. Every time I say something he doesn’t agree with, he says, “Well, that’s because you’re a communist.” I’m really not, nor have I expressed that type of political association. He even said that if I think about criticizing U.S. capitalism, I should go back to my communist country. Again, my country is not communist.

I have asked him to stop and he always says to stop being sensitive and that he is only joking. I am afraid that if I report him, he’ll get a slap on the wrist and he’ll know it was me and could retaliate. There is a promotion coming up and I am one of the potential contenders, while he is one of the people who can influence the ultimate decision on who would get the promotion.

Your employer is legally required to put a stop to your coworker’s comments; it’s against federal law for them to permit an employee to be harassed based on their national origin. The right next step is to talk to HR; tell them what’s happening and what he’s said when you’ve told him to stop. Make sure you also stress that you’re concerned about retaliation and ask how they will ensure that you’re not retaliated against, even subtly.

You might judge that you feel safer waiting to have this conversation until after the promotion decision is made … or you might decide you want HR looped in before that, so they can be on guard for bias in that process. That depends on factors I don’t know, like your sense of how likely this guy is to try to muck up your promotion regardless. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

5. Was my boss implying I’m a slacker?

I do payroll and benefits for a small company. It’s been very stressful lately with new programs, W-2’s, open enrollment, etc. That’s all done now and the next project is a very detailed 401K census. I told my boss I was starting the census data entry, and her reply was, “Please do.” It made me feel like she was implying that I’ve been slacking off. Am I being overly sensitive?

Yeah, I think you’re reading something into it that’s not there. Unless your boss has a pattern of implying you’re not picking up work quickly enough, “please do” in this context most likely just means “yes, that should indeed be the next priority” or “go for it!”

Thanks for sending this along. I left my comments in the Google Doc.

You don’t see my comments? You’re looking at the old document. I copied your Google Doc and made a new Google Doc called “Proposal v2 – Comments.” Once you have my comments, put everything together in “Proposal v3 FINAL.” Then, if you don’t mind copy-pasting your new document link into the spreadsheet where we keep track of all the document links, that would be perfect. And, of course, make sure you’re in the most current spreadsheet (Copy of Spreadsheet COPY_01).

You still don’t see the link? It’s right there on the bottom of the Slack thread from yesterday about which shared drive folders link to Dropbox folders that contain all the shared PDFs. Oh, my mistake; it’s actually at the bottom of a thread about what everyone had for lunch yesterday. Here I’ll send it to you again. I just replied to an email to Jeff with the link and asked him to forward it to you. The subject line is “Email.”

The document won’t open? I’m not sure how I could make this any easier. Okay, I reset the document permissions, but you’ll need to sign into the email document_view@busycompany.org via the password I texted you via iMessage. Once you sign into the email, it’ll ask you to create a Microsoft Teams account. You’ll find the link to the document in the Teams channel called “NO DOCUMENTS LINKS!!!” From there, you’ll find a link to a couple of WeTransfers of the current .docs. Every WeTransfer link is expired. To find the non-expired link, you’ll have to look through the email thread I forwarded you saying, “FYI.” It should be 110-120 emails deep in the thread.

Once you find a link, you’ll download the 17 GB PowerPoint file, which is password-protected. You’ll need the password from our company password document. This should be in the shared Z:// drive that was set up in 2002, and to open the Excel sheet, you’ll need to make sure your computer is running on Windows 98. From there, you’ll use the password to open the company’s orientation PowerPoint and find the link to the main Dropbox folder. The Dropbox contains all the links to the Box folders, which contain all the links to the Google Drive folders, which nobody can see, hear, or touch. This is where things get tricky. The Google Drive folder is, admittedly, a tad disorganized, so you’ll need to click on thirty-seven different documents with names that have nothing to do with what’s in the document. You’ll need to read most of the document to infer who wrote it and what year. You’re looking for the document I wrote yesterday. The comments should be right in there.

Jesus. Do you just want me to fax these things to you?! Look, to make things easier, I started a thirty-day free trial of Asana. I also set up trials of Monday, Airtable, Jira, Workday, Loom, Boom, Flunt, Pringo, Viver, Blabby, Tired, Burbble, Ü, and Bungle apps, and signed you up for each. Then I posted the document in the comments section of the posting for your job on Indeed.com. Just kidding, you’re not fired. But please do reapply by sending a résumé and cover letter to gain access to Google Drive.

You know what? Should I just walk over to your desk, and we can go through them out loud?

By one estimate the average American home has 300,000 objects. Yet our ancient ancestors had no more than what they could carry with them. How did we go from being self-sufficient primates to nonstop shoppers? We examine the evolutionary history of stuff through the lens of archeology beginning with the ancestor who first picked up a palm-sized rock and made it into a tool. 

Guest:

Chip Colwell - archeologist and former Curator of Anthropology at the Denver Museum of Nature & Science, editor-in-chief of the digital magazine Sapiens, and author of “So Much Stuff: How Humans Discovered Tools, Invented Meaning, and Made More of Everything.”

Featuring music by Dewey Dellay and Jun Miyake

You can get early access to ad-free versions of every episode by joining us on Patreon. Thanks for your support!

Big Picture Science is part of the Airwave Media podcast network. Please contact advertising@airwavemedia.com to inquire about advertising on Big Picture Science.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I manage Tina, who is a genius. She’s fresh from school but has already saved our department tens of thousands. We acquired a few failed companies and Tina dove in, learned all their systems, and automated the pulling of data in a week. This saved us hundreds of hours in training and is just one of many examples I could share. She’s also kind and a patient teacher who shares her knowledge of AI and automation with all the other analysts.

My problem is with her coworker, Dave. If she speaks, he interrupts. If she volunteers, he argues he should do it. He’s lodged many complaints to me about Tina, but one time I happened to overhear their chat. He came to complain to me shortly after and I let him go on to see if he would be truthful, but he lied about her tone and left out context to make her seem unreasonable. I let him know that I overheard that entire exchange and I disagreed completely with his assessment. Since then, he complains to his manager, Jen, who complains to me.

I scheduled a lunch with Jen off-site to hash this out. I asked why she believes Dan after I proved he lied. Jen replied, “Tina’s not perfect” and gave me two examples where Tina pushed too hard for her solution and overstepped her bounds as an analyst. I thanked Jen and let her know I’d address these with Tina.

When I spoke to Tina, she agreed but asked why I was bringing something up from 2022. I was embarrassed to learn these examples were so old, but Tina just laughed it off and told me she had learned the hard way that an office is not like a college seminar.

I went back to Jen and asked if she realized her examples were from 15 months ago and she confessed they were. I told her that if she ever has recent examples, she can come to me, but I would appreciate evaluating today’s Tina.

Things calmed down for a couple months, but then two awful things happened. First, performance reviews were due and I gave Tina a 5/5 so she could get a decent raise and a small bonus. Then I got an email to click for final approval and there was a warning about needing to fill out her PIP within 10 days of submission. Confused, I went in and her prior manager, Sally, had changed her score to 1/5. I called Sally to figure out what the heck she was thinking. She gave me those same two examples from 2022 and I pointed out that those weren’t even in this performance year, but even if they were they would in no way merit a 1/5. Honestly, I wasn’t the most diplomatic about it because I was pretty pissed and felt like she tried to pull a fast one on me by changing the score without discussion. If it weren’t for the warning message about about the PIP, I may have approved it accidentally.

Since we both had to sign off on the review and couldn’t agree, we escalated it to my department head and manager, Mike. Mike’s response was that he completely trusts and respects his managers’ perspectives, so to compromise Tina will get a 3. Both Sally and I tried to argue this wasn’t fair, but Mike just laughed that the sign of a good compromise was both sides are mad.

I made sure to write really kind comments on every metric and wrote out everything Tina had achieved this year. It was almost two pages on some metrics! Sally was also able to write comments, and she copy and pasted the same nasty paragraph under each metric and summary, calling Tina bossy, pushy, abrasive, and arrogant. Unfortunately, since she put her comments in after mine, this meant hers showed up first too. Tina was really mature about it and kept her chin up despite clearly being disappointed that she would only get an average raise and no bonus when she was doing so much more than any other analyst.

Then, when I left for vacation, Dave sent an email to all the analysts, managers, Mike, and even the department VP, pointing out a huge mistake in a prestigous monthly report Tina produces. Well, it turns out Dave had gone onto the server and changed the report to introduce the error! Tina replied all and provided screenshots proving he had done this. Unbeknownst to Dave, she had sent the report to the VP the night before and attached that version, which didn’t have the error. I found out when Tina called me on vacation asking for support, so I immediately called Jen, who told me Dave was out of line and she would handle it.

Jen’s way of “handling” the situation was to tell Tina that Dave had confessed but it’s understandable Dave would balk at having Tina reporting his data to the VP. She used this as an excuse to break the report out to an analyst from each team “for fairness.” So Dave’s punishment for sabotaging work and trying to smear Tina to the entire department was to get exactly what he wanted. This was all decided while I was on vacation and by the time I had returned and learned of this, a lot of analysts had been promised part of the report. I then found out that Dave wasn’t even on a PIP and was getting 4/5 on his performance review. I complained to Mike, who told me that Dave’s performance is Jen’s purview and not mine. I then went to our VP, Hank, who privately agreed with me that Dave was getting off easy and Tina was getting shafted, but also said that getting into the minutia of analyst’s performance reviews wouldn’t be a good look for him since this was just personality clashes and nothing illegal or discriminatory had happened.

It’s been two months and Tina is quiet, no longer volunteers for work, and generally seems miserable. I don’t blame her, but I also miss my star performer. I also hate that Dave is strutting around rubbing it in whenever he can. I treated Tina to a few lunches off-site so she could vent. I offered to help her in any way, but so far all she asked for was to have the coordination of the analysts’ pieces of the prestigious report taken off her plate. I made it happen, but the analyst in charge screwed it up badly and Hank asked Tina to please take it back over, so she reluctantly did. Other than that, I’ve shut down all complaints from Dave publicly any time I hear them. I tried asking the other managers for help but they all don’t want to take sides in the “drama.”

I just know Tina is going to quit and I’ve failed her as a manager. Is there anything else I can do? Do you agree with me that Dave should have been fired? Sometimes between Sally and Jen I feel like I live in a different reality.

Your company is a mess.

Yes, Dave should have been fired. He’s been on a long-term campaign to undermine Tina with lies, and then purposely inserted a huge error in a report and lied to make it look like she did it. Either one of those is a massive offense and indictment of his character, and it’s unconscionable that he not only wasn’t fired but apparently has suffered no consequences.

Jen also should be facing some consequences — at a minimum, some serious scrutiny of her judgment and management.

The same goes for Sally, Tina’s old manager who changed her evaluation score without you knowing and tried to put her on a PIP when she doesn’t even manage her anymore (what?).

The same goes for Mike and Hank, on whose watch all of this has happened.

What is going on in your company that multiple people are targeting a star performer, using flimsy and even outright fabricated evidence to do it, and no one above them cares to act? Did Tina … murder all their children? The amount of coordinated vitriol directed at her should be setting off alarm bells somewhere in your company, and the fact that it’s not is mind-blowing.

I don’t know that there’s anything else you personally can do; you’ve tried to advocate for Tina (and for common sense) and been shot down at every turn. All that’s really left for you is to be transparent with Tina about what’s going on so she can make the best decisions possible for herself, and to support her in finding a new job where she’ll be treated fairly and her contributions recognized. If she indicates she wants to leave, don’t try to talk her out of it simply because you want to keep your star performer; it’s in her best interests to get out. Offer to be a glowing reference, and let her know what happened is awful and she has your full support in getting out.

I recommend you think about doing the same! This is not a place you want to build a career.

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