It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My coworker overheard me complaining about them
I have a new-ish colleague, Jaime, who I feel hasn’t really been pulling their weight. I was talking to someone else in the office about a project we’re working on and how I thought Jaime would be leading the project but that they were pushing all of the work onto other people when the project is what Jaime was hired for. I know my tone was very negative about Jaime during the conversation.
Well, I didn’t realize Jaime was in the office that day and am pretty sure they overheard the conversation. I ran into Jaime later that day and they gave me a sad look, but did not say anything to me.
I’m mortified and feel like a jerk for talking about someone that way behind their back. Obviously, I am going to be mindful in the future not to talk about people like that, especially when I’m frustrated. Should I say something preemptively to Jaime though or wait to see if they bring it up? I would like to apologize for the way that I talked about them, but don’t want to make the situation worse either.
You should apologize to Jaime and take responsibility for what they overheard. Sample script: “I think you may have overheard me talking about you the other day, and I want to apologize. Candidly, I’ve been frustrated that you’ve been asking other people to do the X work, but I should have talked to you or Jane directly about that rather than complaining to someone else. I also realize there may be pieces to this that I don’t know, and don’t necessarily need to know. But I shouldn’t have complained to someone else about it, and I’m sorry I did. I won’t do that again.” (In this script, Jane is Jaime’s manager.)
This acknowledges that you have legitimate concerns rather than pretending that you don’t and is straightforward about the parts you did get wrong. Of course, it’s possible that Jaime didn’t hear anything and now you’ll have introduced awkwardness where there didn’t need to be any — but it sounds more likely than not that they did overhear, and taking responsibility for it is the right thing to do.
Read this too:
my coworker overheard me trash-talking her
2. Is my work friend the problem or is it really all her managers?
I work for a large distribution company with its national office and several warehouses. One of my work friends, Linda, did so well in the warehouse that she applied for and was promoted to an office job about 10 years ago. She’s been in three different but related areas and has had bad luck with supervisors each time. According to Linda, they have all been guilty of favoritism on her teams, never offer her any praise, and give her unrealistic workloads and all the problem customers because they know she’s good at dealing with problems. Whenever she recounts her run-ins with these supervisors, the conversations are nasty and the supervisors’ attitudes toward her are condescending, rude, and threatening.
The thing is, I know all these supervisors and have had to work with them at various times over the years, and they have been nothing but friendly and professional with me! (I’m a couple of levels above her on the org chart but I’m not a manager.) I can see where her current boss might be kind of a suck-up to people at my level, but I have never seen her be downright ugly to anyone the way Linda describes.
I’ve been here for 20+ years and have seen a lot of people come and go. The vibe here is friendly and fairly relaxed, and jerks are usually not tolerated for long. Is it something Linda is doing/not doing that has these people pick on her? Or is she maybe confusing her bosses’ authority to tell her what to do with being persecuted?
It’s definitely possible for supervisors to mistreat their teams while operating totally differently with people above them. It’s less likely — although not impossible — that Linda has had the exact same type of terrible luck with supervisors on three different teams, particularly if you know this to be a company that doesn’t generally tolerate jerks (and if she’s found all three managers “threatening,” that’s a pretty big deal). I’ve gotta say, I’m skeptical — but who knows, I could be wrong.
Does she ever share specifics that would give you more insight? The fact that you’re wondering whether she might have an issue with authority makes me think she’s shared enough to point you in that direction, at least.
All this said, as long as you never have to work directly with her, you can just enjoy her as a friend and not have to solve this mystery.
3. Can we use first names in letters?
I do communications work for a smallish nonprofit. Recently, an issue came up with an (admittedly older) board member, and I hoped to get your input on it.
I often find myself writing letters to donors, prospective donors, clients, and people with questions. The letters are friendly in tone, and in most cases we do not know the recipient personally, but we do have their name. If I don’t know anything about the person (other than their interest in our organization), I prefer to begin with “Dear First Name,” but a board member consistently insists it should be “Dear Mr./Ms./Miss/Mrs. Last Name.”
I find this not only old-fashioned but potentially problematic since we do not know how that person identifies. We only know their name from their inquiry. And even if we were to rudely assume they are cisgender, we don’t necessarily know their gender. I’ve known ladies named Frank and Mitch, guys called Dana and Ashley, not to mention gender-neutral names like Chris and Pat. And, of course, there are non-English names.
To me, it feels kinder and safer not to assume a gender, but our board member feels that the use of first names crosses “an inappropriate line of informality.” Neither our organization nor our mission is terribly formal, if that makes a difference. What say you? Is it acceptable to use first names in this day and age?
Loads of organizations have moved over to using first names in letters like the sorts you’re describing, but at least as many still haven’t. So you’re not wrong that using first names is increasingly considered fine to do, but your board member isn’t wrong that their practice is still very much in use too (and if a lot of your donors/prospective donors are older, they may prefer your board member’s way).
So the question becomes how much capital you want to spend on this, and there are probably better places to spend it. That said, I’m interested to know how your board member thinks you should be handling names like Chris, Pat, and Dana — since the risk of irritating people by misgendering them is at least as serious as the risk of seeming too informal (and likely more).
Related:
when is it okay to address someone I don’t know well by their first name in an email?
4. Can I ask if a company is hiring my coworker before I accept a job with them?
A coworker and I are currently both in the running for two different jobs on the same team at another company. However, after years of working with this coworker, I have decided I cannot continue to do so anymore. (Please trust that I did not arrive at this decision lightly and that I will firmly stand by it.) Is there any possible way to tactfully suss out their odds of an offer so that I can make my own choice accordingly if also presented with one?
And I know, I’m working off many assumptions here, but I want to be ready just in case.
It will also be difficult for me to stall my particular hiring process in the hopes of confirming my coworker’s offer status before I have to commit to anything.)
Not really. If your coworker has told you she’s applying there, you could ask if she’s heard anything back; if she tells you that she’s out of the running, you could more safely move forward. But you can’t ask the other employer how likely they are to hire her. If it’s a total deal-breaker for you and you need to give them an answer before you’re able to find out what’s going on with her, you’re probably stuck turning down their offer.
The exception to that would be if the position they offer you would be managing her; that opens up your ability to ask more about where things stand before you accept.
5. Is this salaried-to-hourly rate off?
I received an offer for a new job at a different company. When I told my old job about it, they tried to counter but I said no. So I took the new job and gave generous notice. My old company has asked me if I would stay on at the company, still as a W-2 employee, but instead of salaried I’d be submitting hourly timesheets to do as much of my role as I’d be willing to do remotely, ideally until they could find the right person to fill the role. The work would be a few hours a day after work at my new job, whatever schedule I wanted. The hourly pay-rate they offered is the same as my salaried rate, but I wouldn’t receive any of my full-time benefits like retirement matching, healthcare, etc.
Am I right in thinking this offer is essentially asking me to continue doing the same work for them but for cheaper? If they wanted me to do this in my free time after work at my new job, shouldn’t they be offering more money to account for the loss in benefits? My old manager is supportive and would want me to stay on as a remote part-timer but only if it was also beneficial to me. They mentioned that hypothetically I could inflate my timesheet hours a bit to make it worth my while and she’d sign off on them. Obviously that’s dishonest, but I don’t know how big a deal this is, and I would enjoy having some extra income. What do you think?
Yes, they are asking you to continue doing the same work for them but cheaper. Your compensation used to be your pay plus time off, insurance, retirement, and whatever other benefits you got. They’re removing everything except the money.
They’re also asking you to cut deeply into your off hours to do it — so not only should you be earning more because of the missing benefits, but you would also ideally be earning more because of the inconvenience to you (and because it sounds like you have a lot of leverage here, because they really want you to do this, while they have very little because you’re willing to walk away).
Frankly, I’d suggest not doing it at all, even if they offer more money, because it’s exhausting to start a new job and you want to be able to focus on it fully, not have to come home and do hours more work for your old job. But if you really want to do it, quote them a rate that would make it worth it to you (and it should not be dependent on fudging timesheets like your manager suggested).
Related:
my boss wants me to do contract work after I leave for a new job
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