Cowboy Who?

NEW YORK—Describing the time-tested method as a nearly guaranteed way of attracting a mate’s interest, a report released Thursday by Columbia University’s Department of Social Psychology found that the best pickup technique remained approaching a woman and saying “Ditch this zero and get with a hero.” “Our findings suggest this short phrase has an almost magnetic effect on women, who are often so impressed that they drop their partner immediately in order to start dating this apparently high-status suitor,” said Professor Henry Upton, who noted that stating “Hey babe, how about you ditch this zero and get with a hero?” was equally effective regardless of whether the woman was married, single, or simply out getting drinks with a friend. “Some women may be confused about who the ‘zero’ and ‘hero’ are that you’re referring to, which is why you should always point at yourself with both thumbs during the hero part. If she doesn’t get it right away, though, just move on to the next woman you see. It doesn’t matter if she’s just out walking her dog in the park, completely alone, or even standing at the altar with her betrothed. Eventually, one of these women will wake up to the fact that they’re with a total dud and could do way, way better.” Researchers added that if the woman responded affirmatively to the request, it was important to stare blankly back at her, shake one’s head in confusion, and then slowly walk home.

The post Report: Best Pickup Technique Remains Approaching Woman And Saying ‘Ditch This Zero And Get With A Hero’ appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump pardoned approximately 1,500 rioters who participated in the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol. Here is everything you need to know about the pardons and commutations:

Q: Who is celebrating the pardons?

A: All the nonviolent marijuana offenders who no longer have to share their cells with insurrectionists.

Q: Do the pardons include the leader of the Proud Boys, the man who assaulted a police officer with a metal bat, the man who pepper sprayed—?

A: We’re going to stop you right there. Yes. 

Q: Is anyone still guilty?

A: Nancy Pelosi will be arrested for entering Nancy Pelosi’s office.

Q: How can I get a pardon?

A: Send Trump a photo of yourself bludgeoning a cop with a fire extinguisher.

Q: But didn’t Biden pardon his own family members?

A: Nice pivot!

Q: What happened to the rioter who wore the “Camp Auschwitz” T-shirt?

A: He’s currently leading polls for the open seat on your child’s school board.

Q: What about Ashli Babbitt?

A: She’s alive again.

Q: Is this a dark omen of more violence to come?

A: Don’t worry about it! Deal Or No Deal Island is on. 

Q: What’s next for the freed insurrectionists?

A: Returning to prison on domestic violence charges within six to eight months.

The post What To Know About The Jan. 6 Pardons appeared first on The Onion.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk faced immediate backlash for a gesture he made while addressing a crowd at a Donald Trump inauguration event, renewing attention to his past antisemitic remarks and his far-right beliefs. What do you think?

The post Elon Musk Appears To Give Nazi Salute appeared first on The Onion.

These jokes were written by students in Shannon Barker’s high school English class in Chicago, Illinois.

1. DAD JOKES

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
No one. Never. You’re alone in life. No one cares about you.

What did Kate Bush say to Sisyphus?
Be [rollin’] up that road, be [rollin’] up that hill, be [rollin’] up that building…

My boss said: “Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I dressed as Batman. Unfortunately, Batman couldn’t save anyone from the endless nothing after death.

2. Recipes

Recipe for the best meal ever: Doesn’t matter. There is no end goal. Goals are pointless. Reject this recipe. Do whatever you want. Unless you’re a woman. Then you have to conform.

Thanksgiving turkey recipe

1. Obtain an overworked turkey and marinate it in nothing.
2. Throw in the microwave for a period of time—it doesn’t matter how long.
3. Serve on flimsy paper plates with plastic utensils.
4. Consider your growing carbon footprint while consuming the meal and discussing contentious political opinions with your family members.

3. Pickup lines

Did you fall from heaven? Because then you are lying.

I never believed Sartre. Your essence is to be with me.

Are you free on Friday? Because I have the same schedule for the rest of my life until I die, turn into ash, and am completely forgotten.

4. Prom-posals

Prom is just a construct, but can we break it down together?

You can’t spell absurdism without U and I—let’s revolt together. Prom?

Can we Uber(mensch) to prom together?

I know this is bould, but could I push you to go to prom with me?

I hate everyone. You hate everyone. Let’s hate everyone together at prom.

5. A List

Second-Semester Senior or Existentialist Philosopher?

1. Why do I even come here anymore?
2. “There’s no point.”
3. “…” (sleeping)
4. I am no longer restricted by the pursuit of extrinsic rewards.
5. I’ll show up when I show up.
6. You can’t make me do this work.
7. I am so sad about the end.
8. I am so happy about the end.

Answers:
1-8: Both.

“There were angry reactions across Europe to Elon Musk’s apparent use of a salute banned for its Nazi links in Germany, where some condemned it as malicious provocation or an outreach of solidarity to far-right groups.” — The Guardian

1. Have the wealthiest man on Earth (ideally someone who has gone out of his way, perhaps on a social media platform that he purchased, to lend credibility to even the most shocking hate speech) “accidentally” perform the gesture on stage at a victory rally for the fascist autocrat that he spent hundreds of millions of dollars to elect.

2. Put out a press release claiming that the gesture was accidental, or an unrelated and totally benign gesture, or can be attributed to his “well-known neurological condition.” Also, isn’t criticizing him—a person with a condition they can’t control—for this accidental gesture a little ableist?

3. Have your trusted media pundits ask how anyone could even for a moment think the rich man would do this intentionally, knowing as he does full well the long and tragic history of the gesture. “Did you know the rich man visited Auschwitz last year? He can’t be a fascist!”

4. If the rich man once spent his days seeking the approval of a group known for being anti-gesture, point out his very public evolution into someone who sees the anti-gesture group for who they really are: people who harbor evil beliefs because they suffer from a mind virus.

5. Encourage the rich man’s ardent fans to suggest that those crucifying this poor rich man are the ones who embody the original meaning of the gesture, that they are the real fascists.

6. Put out another press release:

“In light of this vitriol from the so-called tolerant end of the political spectrum about the alleged vileness of the gesture, could it not be said that those who so long condemned it, a mere gesture if we’re being honest, had perhaps, in doing so, become the very thing (i.e., hateful bigots) they vowed to eradicate? Isn’t that a bit ironic? Don’t you think?”

7. Have confidence that your dog whistle has been heard by those it was meant to signal to. What is it signaling? That you WANT to perform the gesture. Performing the gesture is what you’ve wanted all along. And now that the pro-gesture crowd has again assumed power, perhaps the time is finally right to resume performing the gesture.

8. Sit back and wait because this next part is out of your hands. But it’s a safe bet that it will happen—and it will indeed happen. Soon, those rushing to the rich man’s defense will start performing the gesture ironically.

9. The gesture will eventually stop being ironic; the rich man’s supporters will perform the gesture out of solidarity. Only the diehards at first, but then more and more people will adopt the gesture as it becomes decoupled from its original meaning, sanitized for overt public displays, many having no idea, others having at least plausible deniability, that the gesture ever signaled harmful intent.

10. Soon, it will be commonplace to perform the gesture. In fact, it will seem crazy not to perform the gesture.

11. Acknowledge with a wink those who loved the gesture all along, because they have finally achieved precisely what they set out to do through you, their spiritual heir: making the gesture a symbol and marker of the in-group, the protected and privileged class. Soon thereafter, those in the out-group will be made to perform the gesture as a demonstration of loyalty or else perish.

Two unglazed clay pinch pots you made in the third grade that your parents recently regifted you after Swedish death-cleaning their house.

The multicolored wool throw blanket your grandma crocheted in 1982 before she switched to polyester yarns.¹

A single $125 organic cotton GOTS-certified long-sleeve slate gray crew neck shirt you purchased after freaking out about your favorite fleece shedding synthetic poisons into the ocean every time it’s washed.

The broken children’s rocking chair, box of rare marbles, and shelf of painted ballerina figurines with demonic eyes² that your partner made you haul home from those antique shops you only wander into during road trips.

That hemp choker you got at Claire’s in middle school after sharing a Cinnabon classic roll at the mall with your best friend.

The sticky beeswax-coated food wraps shoved behind your box of polyethylene Press ’n’ Seal that your same best friend bought you last year during her zero-waste phase.

Your ceramic CorningWare casserole dish set with the blue cornflower on it.³

The trusty twenty-seven-ounce stainless steel water bottle with a bamboo cap you bought after spending a whole night googling “completely plastic-free water bottle.”⁴

(NOTE: Disregard any item on this list if it contains dust.)

¹ It will contain moths.

² It will almost certainly contain lead.

³ Disregard if the dishes contain food.

⁴ Disregard if the bottle contains water.

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For the record, this was written ages ago please please don't go crazy in the comments.

Today's News:

In brief: Temperatures are generally a few degrees below freezing this morning across the metro area, and you’ll want to look out for a few icy patches on area roads. But Houston is well on the way to putting this Arctic freeze behind us. So what does the rest of winter look like here?

Cold update

Most of Houston is experiencing a light freeze this morning, but temperatures are generally about 10 degrees warmer than they were on Wednesday morning. As a result there likely are still a few slick spots on roadways around Houston, including a few freeway bridges and ramps. However, these are mostly navigable if you just take a little more time and care driving this morning. For locations where temperatures are below freezing, they will rise above freezing between 9 and 10 am CT today.

The ghosts of Winter past, present, and yet to come

Now that we’re putting a significant Arctic blast in the rear view mirror, I want to take stock of the rest of winter in Houston. We’re much closer to the end than the beginning, as it is January 23. So far we’ve seen one much warmer than normal month in December, and one much colder than normal month in January. However, the final week of January looks to be fairly mild, with near normal temperatures after Friday.

Looking ahead to February, I expect we will slot back into a somewhat warmer than normal pattern in which the overall flow is more westerly (i.e. more moderate Pacific air masses) rather than northerly (i.e. Canadian and Arctic air masses) in nature. As a result the likely outcome for southern US states is warmer, according to NOAA’s monthly outlook. Although this does not mean we’re necessarily done with freezes for this year, it also would not shock me.

Thursday

We’ll see more sunshine today, and this should push high temperatures up to about 50 degrees for most of the area. Winds will be light, out of the north at 5 to 10 mph. I’d expect one more light freeze in Houston tonight, with the possibility of highs in the upper 20s for outlying areas.

Friday

This will be another fine, sunny day with highs perhaps a couple of degrees warmer, say in the lower 50s. As winds turn to come from the southwest, overnight lows will likely stay above freezing on Friday night for pretty much the entire metro area. However it will still be chilly, with temperatures dropping into the 30s for most locations.

Saturday

The overall pattern starts to change in a big way as high pressure shifts to the east, and we see an increasing onshore flow. This will allow for the development of some clouds on Saturday, and we’ll say goodbye to sunshine for awhile. Highs will reach about 60 or 65 degrees. Some light to moderate rainfall may approach the area by Saturday evening or Saturday night.

Sunday

This looks like a wet day as a slow-moving, weak front moves into, and stalls over Houston. Although we cannot rule out some briefly heavy rain, for the most part this day should just deliver a good soaking, with much of Houston picking up between 0.5 and 1.5 inches. Rain chances will probably be best in the middle of the day. Highs will reach the mid-60s. Rain chances continue, at a lower rate, overnight. Lows drop into the 50s.

Next week

Monday may see a bit of a cessation in rain, but the rest of next week should bring healthy chances each day as we enter a pattern dominated by an atmosphere with more moisture. Highs for the most part look to be in the 60s next week, with lows in the upper 40s to lower 50s.

You can see behind the scenes pictures here! https://www.patreon.com/posts/bts-pics-double-120562953?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employees can’t move on after I yelled at them

I do not deny I have yelled at some of my employees out of frustration. I am in my 60’s and had several strokes and my demeanor is short. I have apologized, but the group of employees cannot get past the fact that I yelled and are now holding it against me. I know that I am out of touch with the younger generation, having grown up in the late 60’s and early 70’s and in a military household I would like to say, “Knock it off and get over it,” but I know that would make things worse. As an engineer, I am black and white with no emotions….kind of “shut up and get the job done.” Any advice on how to address the employees to get them past my past harsh yelling?

Normally I’d say to sincerely apologize and vow you’ll treat them more respectfully going forward … but that’s not going to sound genuine if you don’t really see what the big deal is and still think your employees should just “get over it.”

Yelling is abusive and it’s not reasonable to be frustrated that they won’t just get over it. I’m skeptical that you’ll be able to move past this unless you can find a way to see their point of view … and to do that, you have to be sincerely interested in learning, not just in trying to make the problem go away.

Part of what you need to learn is why your employees — and most employees, particularly people with options — won’t tolerate being spoken to abusively. The other thing you need to learn is better management skills; you yelled out of frustration, which means you don’t know how to get what you need as a manager. That’s a skills deficiency on your side, not theirs — and this won’t get better unless you learn how to get things done without losing your temper. More advice here and here.

2. My boss found out I’ve been hiding mistakes from her

I work at a pharmacy. At the interview, my boss said that she demands one thing: to tell her when I make any mistakes. I’ve been there for a year, and I didn’t tell her that I forgot I’d left the keys to the pharmacy attached to the outside doors three times. In fact, she discovered that after my colleague found them attached to the door at closing. She then talked to me (with no yelling) and said that this should not be repeated. Fast forward to two months after that, I made a mistake by not telling a patient that they should pay an additional fee and didn’t tell her because I planned on paying the fee myself, and by that I would be solving the problem without her knowing. My colleague again told my boss, and she got mad at me. I talked to her, and she repeated her words but didn’t mention anything about firing me or repercussions. But I noticed that she and everyone at the pharmacy are ignoring me. I really love working there and I respect my boss and love her so much. What should I do ?

This is my first official job after graduating. However, I worked while studying in a toxic environment for two years where hiding mistakes and trying to fix them yourself was done at a daily basis.

Leaving the keys in the door outside a pharmacy is a really serious mistake; it’s giving access to a bunch of controlled substances to anyone who wanders by! Humans make mistakes, but if it happened three separate times, you’ve really got to figure out what’s happening that’s allowing that. Two times would be bad! Three is … very bad. I’m not trying to berate you, but I can’t tell from your letter if you realize that so I’m flagging it.

The thing about not telling your boss that you messed up a fee and instead planned to pay it yourself  — when she specifically told you the thing she cares about most is that you tell her about mistakes — is also bad. Strategizing to deceive her is a big deal! She needs to know because there could be consequences she’ll need to deal with. (For example, off the top of my head, if that patient is charged the correct fee in the future and is confused about why she wasn’t charged it previously, people need to know what happened. It could also point to a need for more training, which is info she’s entitled to as your boss.)

It’s smart to identify that you’re carrying over behaviors from an old job where hiding mistakes was normal, but in this environment, it’s a dysfunctional behavior. Your boss sounds like someone who won’t respond harshly to mistakes themselves, but cover-ups could get you fired.

To make this right, talk to your boss and explain that you used to work somewhere where mistakes were handled very differently but you understand how important it is to be open and up-front about mistakes at this job, and you’re committed to doing that going forward (and say you know that you’ve handled it wrong up until now). But you have to really mean that — if you cover up another mistake, it’s likely to be impossible to come back from it.

Related:
how to rebuild your credibility after messing up at work

3. When I provide info to a coworker, he forwards it as-is without warning me

I have a coworker who is intermediating between me and other people (clients, our superiors, etc.). Several times now he has asked me for some information, and then followed-up with, “Okay, I’ll pass it on like that.”

This feels really weird to me. I was writing my messages to him specifically, and I assumed he would repackage that information accordingly (possibly with a more formal message, or also with other data), before informing others. If I knew my message would be going directly to another party from the beginning, I would have written it very differently! Am I off-base here?

It’s definitely not unusual to write differently for one audience than another; you might be much less formal with a peer than with a client or a manager, or you might use shorthand with the former that you wouldn’t use with the latter. That said, your coworker may be judging that what you provided works fine as-is for his purposes. Either way, now that you know he does this, just start assuming that it may get passed on exactly the way you say it and write it accordingly … or you can explicitly say, “If this needs to go to a client or higher-up, I’d like to express it a bit differently so please let me know if that’s the case.” (Or you can even ask that before responding.)

4. Are colorful tights okay for work?

I work in government and there is no real dress code in my office. People wear polos and tees or blouses and dresses. Some people wear jeans. I like to be a little more dressed up and was wondering if I wear a pair of lilac tights under a white sweater dress would this be appropriate for the office. What do you think?

Yes!

5. How can I reject a job offer and still be considered in the future?

I just got my first adult job offer after finishing school. The job itself is perfect — the people are nice, the hours and workload are better than 90% of similar positions I’ve seen in this field, the compensation and benefits are great. I even felt like I clicked well with my potential colleagues.

My problem is the location. The position is in a small town an hour away from a big city. The winters are known for being cold and gloomy, which I am normally okay with, except I would be moving by myself (I’m single with no children and no family in the area) and anticipate it could get very lonely quickly. I was originally planning to live in the city so I could more easily meet other young single professionals, but I don’t think the commute would be feasible with this type of work (I tested the drive when I flew in for my interview). I do know some of my potential colleagues from previous training, but one is my ex, and while we are on good terms, I don’t think it’s smart to have my main support system be my ex (especially if one of us starts dating someone new who isn’t comfortable with our friendship).

If I declined the job offer at this time, is there a way to make it clear I still love the company and would happily reapply if my social situation changes? (I would happily move to the small town where the job is at once I’m married/have a partner, especially if we have kids. It’s an ideal family town, but not so ideal for singles.) How would I communicate that now and in the future, and without burning bridges?

I wouldn’t make it about your social situation — that’s a little too much information. Instead you could say something like, “I really like the company and its work but after a lot of thought, I don’t think I’m ready to make the move right now. So I’m declining, but I’d love to leave the door open for the future if a move does become possible for me.”

Hours after Trump’s inauguration, his administration canceled appointments allowing migrants to enter the U.S. to request asylum, leaving many of them stranded on the U.S.-Mexico border.

The Houston area was blanketed in snow Tuesday.

For official record-keeping purposes for Houston, the National Weather Service uses snowfall amounts measured at Bush Intercontinental Airport, which received 1.2 inches Tuesday. Hobby Airport got 3 inches of snow.

Historic snowfalls don’t occur often in Houston, so when they do you want to capture memories of them. With that in mind, we’re offering up images posted to our feeds on Facebook, Instagram and Threads, along with others sent directly to us. For videos check our #housnow2025 Instagram story.

As Matt wrote in his post earlier today, we’ll get official numbers from National Weather Service tomorrow, but based on what we’ve seen in our social feeds, the amount that fell was all over the map. But in the absence of formal numbers, we’ll crowdsource some measures posted by folks sticking rulers in the snow. It’s a trend!

Temperatures are supposed to plummet again tonight, causing what’s melted Tuesday afternoon to freeze as ice. That will make travel even more hazardous than it was this morning. We’ll have an update on what comes next later tonight.

In brief: This evening’s update celebrates Houston’s first snow day in a long time, when nearly everyone did the right thing and stayed home. With a very cold night on tap we need to hang tight for a little while longer before things warm up on Wednesday.

Houston has a snow day

Y’all did amazing today. The city of Houston, alone, has more than 16,000 miles of roadway. One could drive nearly two-thirds of the way around the world in that distance. Most of those roads were iced over today with snow, sleet, slush or some other wintry mess. And according to the Houston Police Department, there were just 22 accidents today. That’s a testament to all of the people who stayed home, all of the employers who made the painful decision to close their businesses, and every other organization that stood down today. It was a special day, a true snow day, and we’re unlikely to soon forget it.

But we’re not yet done. We need everyone to stay home again this evening, tonight, and early Wednesday morning before we thaw out for real. More on the timing of this below.

How cold tonight?

I would not gamble any money on making a temperature prediction tonight. I believe most of the region will fall into a range of about 18 to 28 degrees, and it will vary widely due to a number of factors, including snow cover. Regardless, it will be the coldest night of the Arctic outbreak we have experienced so far. For reference, temperatures generally fell into the upper 20s on Monday night in Houston. So if you’re worried about pipes, this is the night for maximum preparation.

Timing of Wednesday warm-up

I’ve been watching Houston Transtar’s cameras today, and just before sunset many of the area’s freeways still looked wet. That water is going to freeze tonight. A lot of Houston’s feeder roads and side streets, which got slushy or melted on Tuesday afternoon, are going to freeze tonight. There is a phenomenon known as black ice, which occurs after snow melts on roadways and then re-freezes. This is a thin sheet of ice that, because it is transparent, may not be readily visible to drivers.

All of that to say, some of Houston’s roads may have dried up today. But many of them did not, and they will be slick tonight and on Wednesday morning. For your safety, it would really be best to preclude any travel tomorrow before late-morning. Some time between 10 am and noon air temperatures will rise above freezing, and in concert with sunny skies this should act to fairly quickly melt remaining ice on Houston’s roads.

Mobility around Houston should rapidly improve during the afternoon hours on Wednesday, with high temperatures climbing into the 40s.

Our next update will come at the usual time, on Wednesday morning. Stay warm, y’all. We’re almost through this!

If you read this post from a more northern part of the United States, you must realize Houston and Beaumont TV crews are not used to snow coverage!This is the perfect time to get cozy on the couch or in bed, and watch "Runaway Radio" on Tubi or your favorite VOD service!

BEEKMAN, NY—Upon receiving the news that his name had somehow been included in an executive order granting clemency to nearly 1,600 rioters, Mark David Chapman reportedly decided to just go with it Monday when he was pardoned alongside the Jan. 6 defendants. “Well, sure, I guess I’ll just say here that I’ve been held hostage by a crooked justice system, and, I guess, I thank President Trump for his support,” said John Lennon’s 69-year-old assassin, who shrugged and muttered “good enough” after being informed by a Green Haven Correctional Facility guard that his lifetime sentence for the brutal slaying of the musician and political activist had, for some reason, been commuted by the new administration. “I was a…political scapegoat? Sure, let’s go with that. In fact, if my name sounds familiar at all, it’s probably just because the liberal media has slandered me. Now let’s get back to making America great again!” Chapman announced that he was excited to work with other recently released Proud Boys and recommended all of its members start by reading J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher In The Rye.

The post Mark David Chapman Decides To Just Go With It After Receiving January 6 Pardon appeared first on The Onion.

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Okay SOME of the comics are autobiographical.

Today's News:

In brief: A winter storm has brought a mixture of precipitation to Houston overnight, including snow and sleet. This wintry precipitation will end later this morning, and we will see some sunshine and above-freezing temperatures this afternoon before a very cold night.

Storm status

The Houston region has received a mix of snow, sleet, and other forms of wintry precipitation during the overnight hours, setting up slick conditions on Houston area roadways. Total snow amounts have varied widely, from a fine dusting of ice and sleet in some locations to 3 inches or more elsewhere.

Additionally, it is quite cold outside this morning. Air temperatures are generally in the mid- to upper-20s for most of the Houston region. However the addition of brisk northerly winds, gusting up to 25 or even 30 mph from the north, have made it feel like it is in the teens outside.

With temperatures now well below freezing for much of Houston, what is falling is largely sticking to area roadways that have been untreated with salt. There are dozens of reports of ice on area freeways, feeders, and major roadways, some of which are shut down. You can track an list of Houston-area icy roadways on Houston Transtar.

In short, for some areas it is a winder wonderland outside, for some a sleet-fest, and for all a dangerous time to be outside. Please do stay home this morning if it is at all possible.

Tuesday

The latest modeling indicates that the precipitation we are seeing this morning will exit to the east by 9 or 10 am CT. We should then see some clearing skies early this afternoon across Houston, including the coast by later this afternoon. This sunshine should push temperatures toward the upper 30s, allowing for some of the ice and snow on the surface to melt.

Additionally, the combination of sunshine and windy conditions (from the north at about 15 mph) should begin the process of sublimation. Sublimation occurs when snow transitions directly into water vapor, without first becoming liquid water. I’m writing all of this because it is possible that some roads will become clear and dry this afternoon, especially for locations further from the coast where there will be a longer period of sunshine to work with.

This matters because temperatures are going to freeze again tonight. So if there is moisture on roads, it will freeze into ice tonight, and into Wednesday morning. This could lead to black ice or situations in which there are patches of icy, dangerous roads tonight.

The temperature tonight at your location will depend on how much snow cover remains. That’s because new snow has a very high albedo (up to 0.95 out of 1), which means it is highly reflective of heat (radiation) back into space. So locations where there is a snowpack tonight will be 5 or 10 degrees cooler than areas with “darker” surfaces not covered by snow.

Over the last couple of days we have watched as forecast models have really struggled with how cold temperatures will get in the Houston region on Wednesday morning. As a best guess, areas with a layer of snow may drop into the mid-teens tonight, and areas with less or no snow are likely to only fall into the mid-20s or so. My sense is that most of Houston probably will end up in the lower 20s, but we shall see.

Wednesday

After a cold start, high temperatures on Wednesday are expected to reach 40 degrees or even a little warmer under sunny skies. The combination of mostly sunny skies and sublimation should allow for roads to mostly dry out, but for some locations this may not happen until after noon. I realize the uncertainty is no fun, but such snow and ice events are relatively rare in Houston, so we are working on limited data about local roads and their response to icy conditions. Most of Houston will fall into the upper 20s on Wednesday night.

Thursday

A little warmer, with highs generally in the upper 40s to go along with mostly sunny skies. A light freeze is likely Thursday night.

Friday

Expect more sunshine, with highs in the 50s. Some inland areas may see a light freeze on Friday night, but most of us should be in the mid- to upper-30s.

Saturday and Sunday

Expect highs in the 60s this weekend, with nights only in the 50s as a warmer pattern returns. Saturday looks OK for outdoor activities, but rain chances start to increase by Sunday into next week.

Update schedule

We will have an update for you early this afternoon, by 2:30 pm CT, and again this evening to offer the best possible forecast for temperatures and roadways on Wednesday morning.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Revealing a precipitous decline in the nation’s access to a once-plentiful resource, an alarming study published Tuesday by Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that only one in four Americans can get a motherfuckin’ “hell yeah.” “It’s no secret that peer enthusiasm is harder to come by than it was in previous decades, but even then, we were shocked to find a full 75% of Americans could only get a half-hearted ‘nice’ for situations that would have had people raising the motherfuckin’ roof just a decade ago,” said the study’s lead author, Professor Jessica Landers, adding that weak-ass responses like “okay” and “whatever” had exploded in frequency while “hell yeah” equivalents such as “BOOYAH” and “let’s fucking go” showed similar scarcity. “These findings are deeply troubling. As recently as the 1990s, Americans could reliably expect to not only get a motherfuckin’ ‘hell yeah’ from their homies, but also get a little skin up top. Now they’re being met with eye rolls and awkward silences, and for many, a ‘hell yeah’ is out of reach no matter how hard they beg their buddies not to leave a motherfucka hangin’.” Landers went on to urge policymakers to at least give her a “damn dude, that sucks.”

The post Alarming Study Finds Only 1 In 4 Americans Can Get A Motherfuckin’ ‘Hell Yeah’ appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE—Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos–Lauren Sánchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. “Oh, shit, it’s $290 million?” the visibly annoyed Yorkin said as he stared at the Zola page for the Amazon billionaire and his fiancée, wondering aloud if it was too close to the wedding date to simply back out of attending. “I should have snatched up the silverware while I had the chance. Goddammit. And of course he chose the most expensive engine on the market. Whatever. At least I’ll earn credit card points. The reception dinner better be fucking delicious.” At press time, Yorkin was said to be panicking after he received a notification that it would take six years to construct the engine.

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WASHINGTON D. C. – Attention seeking billionaire and human husk, Elon Musk, known for co-opting other people’s ideas and profiting from them, came out at President Trump’s inauguration to debut a new salute he’s calling “The Sieg Heil 2.0.” “Fascism is hot this season, and I’m it,” says Musk, as he debuted his new salute […]

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Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped.

For months before and since I cast my vote for Donald J. Trump—and yes, I’m one of those people who really leans into the “J” for some reason—I have been promised by every reliable source that change was finally coming to America, after four years of the failed leadership of Joe Biden and then the four years before that, which I can’t remember.

But it’s abundantly clear that the Trump presidency is delivering more of the same. And it’s the bad kind of same that’s been happening lately, not the good kind of same like from the good old days. When men could be men, women could be women, and I didn’t have to go to work or pay for anything because I was a child.

On issue after issue, we are being force-fed “now” when we were promised “then.”

Take rising prices. On January 20, at noon sharp, I busted down the door of my local grocery store like it was Black Friday—and after management told me that the door would’ve opened automatically if I had waited two more seconds, I was shocked by what I saw.

A dozen eggs still cost four dollars. So did a gallon of milk. And my fifth-grade teacher, who I used to run into all the time there? Still dead.

Something was wrong. I thought maybe these grocery workers were some sort of uncontacted people who were living under the tragic illusion that Joe Biden was still president. But no. They’re modern people. They keep up with the news through Facebook, just like you and me. And yet, they were acting as if there was no difference between the day Biden left office and the day Trump took office.

Then there’s the male loneliness epidemic. The voices who talk to me in my head—mostly Barstool hosts via my earbuds—convinced me that maybe this terrible feeling of isolation they told me I was experiencing might finally be a thing of the past. But even though I voted for the guy who has spent decades betraying absolutely every single person in his life as soon as they no longer suit his immediate needs, I still have no friends.

I was also promised that my vote would bring an end to DEI, ERGs, CSR, and LGBTQ, leaving only real American letters like UFC and EIEIO. And yet, when I showed up to work this morning, not a single one of my female co-workers had vanished in a puff of smoke. And also, they still won’t let me smoke at work! What decade is this—not the 1950s?

Then I got home, turned on the TV, and found that the Washington Commanders are still called the Washington Commanders? And they’re doing crazy hot right now? And the couples in the commercials for my favorite erectile dysfunction pills are still interracial? And they’re crazy hot right now?

To let off some steam, I went to the globe store to see if I could get my model globe replaced—now that the United States is acquiring Greenland, Canada, Mexico, and Panama, and I imagine the UN would probably throw in some random bonus ones, like Suriname. But the disgruntled employee at the front desk insisted mine was up to date and that none of those places are states yet—presumably because she’s one of those deep-state operatives that the administration still hasn’t gotten around to axing.

Now, to be fair, Donald Trump has kept some promises. He brought back TikTok. And he did it so effectively that it happened on the last guy’s watch.

But everything else about his presidency thus far implies that Donald Trump is the same guy he was eight years ago, doomed to disappoint as compared to the extravagantly transformative promises he has made. That even he is subject to political gravity and the constraints, however loosened, of the Constitution.

And if that’s the case, let me draw a clear line in the sand: I will not be voting for him in 2028.

WASHINGTON—Hampering the chief justice’s efforts to swear him in for a second term, President-elect Donald Trump autographed the inaugural Bible before handing it back to John Roberts, sources confirmed Monday. “There you go—all yours,”  said Trump, who took the Bible from Roberts, pulled a Sharpie out of his suit pocket, opened the book, and scribbled his signature across the title page. “I wrote this in 1997. It’s a good one too. You want a note? I can add a note too. ‘To my good friend Robert.’ All right. Take care, now.” At press time, Trump was reportedly annoyed that the chief justice was still standing there staring expectantly at him.

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WASHINGTON—Placing his right hand on the collection of posts taken from the controversial message board, JD Vance was reportedly sworn in as vice president Monday on a stack of printed-out 4chan greentexts. “I, James David Vance, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic,” he said, appearing to grow emotional as he glanced down at the stack of screeds from self-described beta males, which were filled with Wojak memes and countless “Be Me” stories bemoaning relationships with woke women—hundreds of pages that Vance had annotated himself over the years, often with sketches of the website’s iconic Pedobear character. “I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me Pepe—whoops, I mean God. Sorry. Doing it for the lulz.” Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who administered the oath, reportedly smiled and nodded in approval after catching sight of several explicit screenshots from /h/ peeking out from the pile.

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WASHINGTON—Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror, Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential inauguration Monday. “Ooooh shiiiiit, what the fuck was that?” said the bewildered former Fox News host, who, after stumbling out of the vehicle and touching his hand to his bleeding forehead, strolled through the Capitol rotunda, took a large swig of whiskey, and then lost his balance while attempting to throw a haymaker at Chief Justice John Roberts. “John! Johnny boy! Justice J! Nice robes—for a girl! Ha ha, am I right? Anyways, what are you doing here? Did I miss the swearing-in thing? Also, FYI, you should probably do something about that podium. It came out of nowhere.” At press time, Hegseth was attempting to sing the alphabet backwards to prove he was sober, only to be escorted out by Secret Service after vomiting all over the inaugural Bible.

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WASHINGTON—Not bothering to conceal her phone screen, Melania Trump was reportedly swiping through Raya matches Monday in full view of television cameras. The former and incoming first lady of the United States was captured in close-up by various news networks perusing profiles on the celebrity dating app during her husband’s inauguration ceremony, occasionally pausing to zoom in on a user’s face before swiping right or left. Sources confirmed that upon coming across Pete Hegseth’s profile, the first lady swiped immediately left. At press time, Melania Trump was staring directly into the C-Span camera while messaging a 33-year-old fitness influencer, “No, I’m not doing anything tonight.”

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WASHINGTON—Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. “Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet—this is a day we’ll tell our children about,” Musk said as he slowly panned his phone’s front camera across the throngs of onlookers, occasionally tilting the screen so he could glimpse the amazement playing over Jasmine’s unnaturally glossy features. Bystanders reported that the virtual companion—who had been generated from the keywords ‘White, Busty, Obedient, Redhead’—then began glitching in a way that made her appear as a set of floating teeth and eyeballs, prompting Musk to relaunch the app and gently chide her for not behaving herself in front of his very good friend, the president. At press time, the pair had reportedly gotten into a blowout fight after Jasmine intercepted an anatomically impossible nude from one of Musk’s other girlfriend apps.

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