Montreal, Quebec, Canada- The Canadian owned internet pornography video-sharing website Pornhub has announced that, in honour of Mother’s Day, it will be removing the word “Fuck” From its MILF tag. Pornhub owner Fabian Thylmann had this to say about the name change: “Women are the backbone of this business, and it’s important that we give […]
The post Pornhub to drop F from MILF in observance of Mother’s Day appeared first on The Beaverton.
Hovertext:
If humans passed on traits acquired in their 20s, each generation would be exponentially more stressed forever.
TORONTO, ON – This week telecom giant Rogers Communications announced a record-breaking milestone – twenty straight years of customer service calls vastly exceeding what their meagre call centres can handle. Rogers customers are well aware of the growing streak, which has been touted in a recorded message at the start of every single call since […]
The post Rogers celebrates 20 years of higher than expected call volumes appeared first on The Beaverton.
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You can get the CS dorks back to philosophy, but only by a costly detour through fundamental physics.
![[img]:uigrmr](https://analognowhere.com/_/uigrmr/uigrmr.png)
Puffy narrates.
Girl comes to Puffy.
Girl: "I'm ready to save my people!"
[We went - back to her tribe]
Puffy and Girl arrive to where her tribe used to be. Now it is a large MATA facility.
[I thought I knew what we would find there. I think she did too.]
A board with information about the facility has something nailed to it.
Girl: "Look!"
[Hope was not it.]
It's a photograph of Girl and Nine. Girl picks it up and smiles.
Girl: "We can go home now."
https://analognowhere.com/_/uigrmr
CBS News:
The Trump administration is “actively looking at” the possibility of suspending the writ of habeas corpus to handle people the administration says aren’t in the country legally, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller said Friday.
A writ of habeas corpus requires authorities to produce in court an individual they are holding and justify their confinement. Article I of the Constitution says the “privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in cases of rebellion or invasion the public safety may require it.”
Miller made the comments to reporters at the White House Friday when a journalist asked if President Trump is weighing the possibility of suspending habeas corpus to handle illegal immigration.
“Well, the Constitution is clear — and that, of course, is the supreme law of the land — that the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus can be suspended in a time of invasion,” Miller said. “So it’s an option we’re actively looking at. Look, a lot of it depends on whether the courts do the right thing or not.”
There clearly is no “invasion”. An invasion hasn’t happened here since the War of 1812, when the British got us good and burned down the White House and set fire to the Capitol.
You can say, Hey man, look, I’m with you Grubes, but I don’t go to Daring Fireball to read Trump stuff. I swear I’m trying — I’ve been trying since before he took office again — to pay attention only to what Trump and his lickspittle loathsome hateful idiot minions do, not just what they say. But when they even say they’re “actively looking at” suspending habeas corpus, justified by an “invasion” that obviously doesn’t exist, I think it’s on everyone to just stand up and say “Fuck that. This is America.”
I can’t wait to see Stephen Miller in prison.
STARBASE, TX—Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind him. “Out of my fucking way, short stuff—geniuses first!” the entrepreneur said as he coughed in the smoke engulfing his crumbling city, kicked the stunned child for good measure, and asked a crowd of dying residents if they knew they were endangering the life of the most important man on the planet. “You see that right there? That’s my personal escape pod. If you people wanted one, you should have built it yourself. Sorry you all failed me. Enjoy hell!” Musk then admitted that he was also almost certainly the child’s father before launching his escape pod and fleeing to safety as a final explosion swallowed the city.
The post Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses appeared first on The Onion.
CHICAGO—A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past the windows. “For the majority of working adults age 29 to 44, the dream of owning a glass-domed apartment on the bottom of the ocean overlooking a vibrant coral reef is simply out of reach,” said the study’s author, Nicolette Wendel, adding that while some millennials do own underwater homes, they are generally in lakes where everything is murky brown and the fish are all boring. “Prior to 1980, the price of a luxury ocean-floor condo with views of tropical fish, manta rays, and sharks was three times the median income, but today it’s six times the median income. If current economic trends continue, the average millennial will be stuck waving to a sea turtle from a conch shell bed only as a renter. Though supplies have increased somewhat as baby boomers downsize, most retro-futuristic sea compounds are being gobbled up by Wall Street.” The study also noted that steel tariffs will significantly increase the costs of renovating old shipwrecks into beautiful seafloor homes.
The post Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows appeared first on The Onion.
Whether you go to a restaurant or host an event in your home, brunch is a great way to celebrate the maternal figures in your life. The Onion shares tips for planning the perfect Mother’s Day brunch.
Make sure the restaurant serves whatever bullshit your sister’s eating these days.
Avoid awkward silences by bringing a list of fight starters.
Sit the oldest mother in the room at the head of the table and ask the youngest mother in the room to serve as her chair.
Call ahead to send your mom’s food back to the kitchen.
Present your mother with a family photo featuring everyone who still talks to her.
Find out what your mom likes eating by allowing her to sniff several varieties of eggs Benedict and seeing which one she licks first.
Get drunk enough to enthusiastically toast your mom, but not so drunk that you mean it.
Everyone loves haggis!
Gift your mother either a beautifully embossed copy of A Room Of One’s Own with a touching note written inside the cover or a toaster she already owns, depending on your gender.
Wherever you kids want to go is fine.
Wait until everyone orders before suggesting Dad move back in.
Just let your mom plan it. She’s better at that stuff anyway.
The post Tips For Planning A Mother’s Day Brunch appeared first on The Onion.
DANBURY, CT—Expressing immense satisfaction with the recently purchased device’s performance, area dad Frank Hoyer confirmed Friday that he was impressed by how easily a new lawn mower tore through his son Alan’s leg. “Look at this thing go—didn’t even hiccup gliding through all that tibia!” Hoyer said as he wiped a streak of blood from his brow, adding that he reckoned the machine could have handled a leg twice as large as his son’s without any difficulty. “Boy, you can really feel that extra horsepower at work. All that bone and sinew would have been way too much for our old mower to handle. I doubt it could have made it past your ankle. But this beaut handled that big, bony kneecap no problem, nice and smooth. And that high-capacity bag could probably hold a couple dozen more legs before I’d ever have to empty it! Sorry, pal, but I can’t take you to the hospital just yet. I’ve got to see what else this baby can do!” At press time, Hoyer reportedly asked his son to stick out his other leg so he could show off the lawn mower’s power to their neighbor Jim.
The post Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg appeared first on The Onion.
VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is the thanks I get?” said the 70-year-old Veteran Vatican diplomat, adding that he would have spent his life mired in sin if he knew it was going to end with Cardinal Robert Prevost being elected the 267th Pope of the Catholic Church. “Seriously. I spent 56 years living a moral, humble, and charitable life to get snubbed by some catty Cardinals at their stupid little Conclave. I took a vow of celibacy for God’s sake! Everyone must think I’m such an idiot.” A distraught Parolin added that he knew he should have listened to his gut, never joined the seminary, and devoted his life to Islam instead.
The post Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing appeared first on The Onion.
“Using nicotine is unequivocally very bad for you. It’s also, unfortunately, what gets me through my days.” —Emily Gould, from her essay “The Secret Shame of Smoking Moms”
Moms don’t want trinket dishes for Mother’s Day—they want cigarettes. A mom would rather have a bag full of cigarette butts than a fluted trinket dish. That said, moms do want ashtrays. So they will use that little dish to ash the cigarettes you will buy her.
Moms don’t want smocked dresses. Moms do NOT want to fold their pendulous breasts into elasticated smock-front dresses. Moms do NOT want thin pleats of fabric expanding and contracting across their pendulous breasts. Please do NOT buy these for the moms.
Listen very carefully: Moms don’t want a pendant that says MAMA or a sweatshirt that says I’M IN MY MOM ERA. Moms want to lie on the hammocks smoking cigarettes, listening to the Doobie Brothers. Please consider buying cigarettes for moms who have hammocks but no cigarettes, and hammocks for the cigarette moms.
A mom has, perhaps, found herself on the threshold between life and death. A mom has, perhaps, held a baby covered in vernix while her internal organs were shoved back in, or while a kindly midwife sewed her most tender bits back together while singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” to steel her nerves. A mom may opt to seek pleasure at whatever cost. Remember this as you buy a mom a pack of cigarettes while she waits outside the gas station, pretending to check her LinkedIn messages.
Some people look askance at the moms smoking cigarettes. I say we start allowing the moms to congregate with the skateboarders in front of 7-Elevens. Only not to vape. I understand some moms like to vape, but this should be discouraged. Instead, moms should enjoy pinching a cigarette between their pointer finger and middle finger and thumb, like a greaser—that is, a man from the movie Grease. Moms should be encouraged to try different ways of holding cigarettes to see which suits them best.
Moms definitely want you to take them to Friendly’s for Mother’s Day. “Smoking or non-smoking?” the maitre d’ will ask. Moms will look at you pleadingly, palms sweating on their Michael Kors wristlets. Soon thereafter, they’ll be gleefully ashing into their scrambled eggs, their buttered toast, and their clown sundaes.
I'm the Phantom Mountie! I'll let you go and you won't know. #CowboyWho
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