Cowboy Who?

The House gave its final approval to Senate Bill 11, written by state Sen. Mayes Middleton (R-Galveston), on Friday morning. It will now go to Gov. Greg Abbott for his signature.

WASHINGTON—Describing the plan it went ahead with as “absolutely toothless” by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you knew what White House adviser Stephen Miller had wanted to do. “Critics can argue that deporting migrants from Vietnam, Myanmar, and Cuba to the war-torn nation of South Sudan qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment, but my God, if you had heard Stephen Miller’s 12-point plan for physically and mentally abusing these people, you’d want to give us the Nobel Peace Prize,” said DHS spokesman Dylan Fontano, claiming that the barbarity of forcibly removing migrants to countries with which they have no connection had to be weighed against the horrific and depraved drawings and blueprints that Miller had initially presented to the agency. “Quite frankly, when we heard what Stephen wanted to do, many of us vomited. We tried talking him out of some of his more ghoulish suggestions, but he stormed out of the room, furious that the migrants would remain alive and there would be no corpses to desecrate. All I’ll say is just be glad our immigration policy doesn’t involve hedge clippers or a jury-rigged car battery.” At press time, a more open DHS was said to be revisiting many of Stephen Miller’s most grisly proposals.

The post DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do appeared first on The Onion.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The weird part is the hypnotic synchronized purring noises.

Today's News:

The bill won bipartisan support despite efforts from multiple Democrats that would have also required students to learn about fascism and Nazism.

The House approved the ban after previously considering proposals to preserve the industry by tightening regulations.

The warning comes as cuts to American research raise fears over the ability to track and prepare for them.

There has been a long debate over the cost and usefulness of one cent coins in the US.

WASHINGTON—Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he shared his own experiences as a victim of white genocide. “I’ve kept quiet about my past out of a fear that I could still be persecuted, but I too know what it’s like to live under a Black president who wants to see your entire race destroyed,” said Trump, adding that he had narrowly survived the attempt to eradicate white people and their culture by hiding for months in his 126-room Palm Beach resort. “I’ve seen firsthand the terrible power of anti-white hatred, having been forced to flee my Trump Tower penthouse in the middle of the night with nothing but the suit on my back. They mainly came for whites, but heterosexuals and Christians were also killed and thrown atop a scrap heap. As painful as it still is to talk about, I cannot stay silent while innocent whites in another country face the same horrifying persecution I did. I believe it is my duty as a survivor to provide testimony so that Blacks, Asians, and Native Americans, who have never experienced such hardship for themselves, can learn about the ethnic cleansing of whites, something that should never be allowed to happen again.” President Trump also announced that construction would begin on a White Genocide Museum in Washington, D.C. once several museums commemorating the history of less important races had been razed to provide the space.

The post Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide appeared first on The Onion.

#ArmorOfHalo #RoninWarriors

The House granted its final approval to the amended version of Senate Bill 3 Thursday evening. It now goes back to the Senate, where Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick has indicated it is sure to pass, then on to Gov. Greg Abbott's desk.

WASHINGTON—Saying how much he had enjoyed watching their outstanding work on the court, President Donald Trump invited the WNBA fans who yelled slurs at Angel Reese to the White House on Thursday. “Today, we celebrate these hard working Indiana Fever fans who sat within earshot of Angel Reese and yelled racial insults as loudly as they could,” said Trump, who gleefully shook hands, took photos, and discussed with the fans some of their favorite epithets and gestures to direct toward the 23-year-old Chicago Sky forward. “These people are some of the most dedicated, talented racists in America right now, and the way they stepped up, disrupted the game, and spewed hate should make our nation proud. Those were some of the best slurs I’ve ever heard used to degrade a Black woman. No one represents this country better than they do.” At press time, the fans were spotted on the White House lawn teaching staffers’ children how to go on a racist tirade.

The post Trump Invites WNBA Fans Who Yelled Slurs At Angel Reese To White House appeared first on The Onion.

In brief: Houston’s weather will be mostly hot and sunny through Sunday. However, by Memorial Day our pattern should start to turn a little bit more unsettled, leading to cooler days with better rain chances for most of next week.

High School graduation weather

Many, but certainly not all, area high schools will hold their graduation ceremonies this weekend, when we have few weather concerns aside from the warm temperatures. Among the graduations will be an outdoor event for my youngest daughter, Lily. Both of our children have been enrolled in Clear Creek Independent School District for the better part of two decades, and it is bittersweet to contemplate the end of their school days. By and large their experience has been wonderful, with several great teachers along the way to provide wisdom, and love, and inspiration.

Amanda and I are grateful for our daughters’ public school education, and all the teachers and janitors and bus drivers and clerks and administrators who work so hard to help bring our children up. You strengthen our community immeasurably. And to all the graduates I would say that the world is kind of a mess, and we could use your help to build a brighter future. Best wishes, and the greatest of luck to you all.

Thursday

In contrast to Wednesday morning, it is muggy outside this morning, with temperatures having fallen only into the mid- to upper-70s across the region. Skies will gradually turn sunny today, and this will allow high temperatures to reach up into the mid-90s. Winds will generally be light, from the east. There is a very slight chance of some showers near the coast this afternoon, but the overall odds are probably on the order of 10 percent. Expect another muggy night.

Friday

This will be another hot and mostly sunny day, with temperatures in the mid-90s again. Winds will again be fairly light, generally from the southeast.

Saturday

The first part of Memorial Day Weekend will bring more of the same, albeit with some subtle changes. One is that highs may be a degree or two cooler. The other is that southeasterly winds should be a little more pronounced, perhaps gusting up to 20 mph or higher. Nights remain warm and muggy.

Sunday

This will be another mostly sunny day, with highs likely in the lower 90s. By Sunday afternoon or evening there will be a slight chance of showers or thunderstorms as the atmosphere turns a bit more disturbed, but I would not put the odds of seeing precipitation at higher than 10 percent. It will be another gusty day, with winds from the southeast possibly reaching 25 mph or so.

Memorial Day and beyond

A more unsettled pattern looms for next week, likely beginning on Memorial Day. Overall we will see increased cloud cover, higher rain chances, and cooler temperatures for much if not all of next week. I’m hopeful that most of the area will pick up between 0.5 and 2 inches of rainfall, which most of the region needs after a dry May. Daytime highs will likely vary between the mid-80s and lower-90s depending on the extent and timing of rainfall. Nighttime temperatures will be a bit lower as well, dropping into the lower 70s later in the week. If we’re lucky, this late spring-time weather will get our soils get ready for the depths of summer, which lie just around the corner.

You’d like to think you can trust the people you work around, but in reality office thefts are surprisingly common.

From the coworker who stole someone’s spicy food and got sick (and the epic update), to the manager who stole someone’s family heirloom, to the boss who stole an employee’s iPad, to the boss who kept stealing lunches, office thieving happens more than you’d expect.

And some of the thefts are shockingly petty:

• “I have a Bath and Body eucalyptus (mini) hand sanitizer next to my computer. Turns out someone has used it up, then refilled it with water so it wouldn’t look like it was used. It costs a buck.”

• “I had someone steal my pyrex dish once. They dumped my lunch out into a little baggy, put that back in the fridge, and stole my dang dish. WHO DOES THAT!?”

• “Someone in the office even stole a coworker’s mug! He had left it on the counter while he went to the bathroom before he got his coffee and it was gone when he came back. TWO YEARS LATER he found it soaking in the sink after the thief had used it and promptly ‘stole’ it back. He was very excited.”

And then of course, there’s food theft, which could be a whole category of its own:

• “My partner put a note on his milk in the fridge that said ‘I drink from the container’ thinking it would stop people from stealing it. He came in the next day to discover half of it was gone and a note taped under his with ‘I do, too!’ and a happy face.”

So let’s talk office thefts — petty and not-so-petty. What have you found stolen at work? Even better, if you’ve been the perpetrator, now is the time to confess anonymously. Please share in the comments!

The post stolen mugs, pilfered lunches, and missing iPads: let’s discuss office thefts appeared first on Ask a Manager.

It’s mid-year updates season!

If you’ve had your question answered here in the past, please email me an update and let us know how your situation turned out. Did you take the advice? Did you not take the advice? What happened? How’s your situation now?  (Don’t post your updates here though; email them to me.)

Your update doesn’t have to be positive or big to be worth submitting. We want to hear them all, even if you don’t think yours is that interesting.

And if there’s anyone you especially want to hear an update from, mention it here and I’ll reach out to those people directly.

The post where are you now? (a call for updates) appeared first on Ask a Manager.

Since 1988, we at Dippin’ Dots have proudly sold the official ice cream of the future. And ever since, we’ve been waiting for the future to arrive at Little League concession stands and any place that smells like popcorn and feet. But now that the future is here, we regret to announce that we are extremely disappointed.

First and foremost, we are dismayed that fashion hasn’t veered into the cyber-futuristic trends we’d hoped for. Where are the metallic jackets and structured, space-appropriate body suits? Are ’90s JNCO jeans supposed to bring back the ’90s economy? Because here at Dippin’ Dots, we think you look ridiculous.

Candidly, we expected baby names of the future to include a lot more X’s and Z’s. Zephyra or Xera are great names for kids who eat Dippin’ Dots. Instead, your most popular baby name is Noah. What does that say about where society is headed?

This one seems obvious, but computer intelligence was meant to help make your food, not take your jobs. Didn’t you watch Star Trek? AI should make a mean Earl Grey, not bring about the collapse of civilization.

And your robots? They leave much to be desired. We’ve seen the little ones that deliver food, and this does not look to be an improvement over the sixteen-year-olds who did it in the days of yore. Furthermore, robot dogs should be built for cuddles, not to murder on behalf of the police industrial complex.

You see, at Dippin’ Dots, we understand that the infrastructure shift required to actually put our highways in the sky was a bit much to hope for. So, even though Scholastic Junior Magazine promised we would be flying to work by now, this is a freeze-dried pill we’re willing to swallow. However, investing in more efficient modes of transit is a key tenet of the future we envision. So we have to ask, how the hell do you still not have high-speed trains? Oh, you’ve got Waymos? Even George Jetson piloted his own flying car. How exactly do you expect Rosey the Robot to get to work when you’ve defunded the space bus?

This is all such a giant bummer, guys. After all, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. Dippin’ Dots was supposed to be the idealistic model for building a colorful and functional society. And yes, our ice cream is crunchy for some reason and has that weird freezer-burn taste, but at least we stood for something. We stood for a society that uses technology to create joy and celebrates the wonderfully strange machinations of the human mind. You’ve ruined the good name of the future and the good name of Dippin’ Dots alongside it. We can’t even go to Epcot anymore without feeling like humankind will never reach its true potential.

Needless to say, this future does not represent our ice cream, and we will be undergoing a massive rebrand to distance ourselves from the colossal turd sandwich of a time period you’ve created. So keep an eye out for new and improved Dippin’ Dots, the official ice cream of whenever Aristotle said all the cool shit. Find us at a 7-Eleven or monkey enclosure near you.

“It’s not us, it’s the voters that are wrong.” Luke and the Panel (Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) talk about the Conservatives’ attempts to shore up support for Poilievre as leader, speculate on what the “concrete steps” Canada will take if Israel does not listen to its letter, and break down the media’s attempt to […]

The post Conservative election post-mortem determines party did everything perfectly, Poilievre super handsome appeared first on The Beaverton.

Rachel Accurso, better known as Ms. Rachel, is a popular YouTuber who creates videos for toddlers. The Onion sat down with Ms. Rachel to discuss education, social media, and the backlash to her public support for the children of Gaza. 

The Onion: Why did you create your show Songs For Littles?

Ms. Rachel: I figured if that dipshit Blippi could make it big, anyone could.

The Onion: What song do children love most?

Ms. Rachel: “Toxicity” by System of a Down.

The Onion: What inspired you to speak out about Gaza?

Ms. Rachel: While I’ve enjoyed a great deal of success, my real dream has always been getting called an “antisemitic cunt” online.

The Onion: What’s the biggest advantage of creating content for babies?

Ms. Rachel: They can’t leave death threats in the comments. 

The Onion: Any fun stories from the set?

Ms. Rachel: One day, no matter how many times I tried, I just couldn’t count to four correctly. Turns out, I was having a stroke.

The Onion: What do you say to children who recognize you in public?

Ms. Rachel: Don’t touch the overalls.

The Onion: What do you say to your critics?

Ms. Rachel: Good luck potty training your child without me.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ms. Rachel appeared first on The Onion.

AUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that he had “done enough,” billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a step back from fatherhood. “I’ve accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father—spreading my seed, preserving my bloodline—and now I can spend more time focusing on other things,” said Musk, who told reporters that after pouring millions of dollars and sperm cells into the project, he was ready to scale that number back to zero. “I need to get my priorities in line. Fatherhood distracted me from what really matters, which is running Tesla. If I see a reason to do it in the future, I’ll do it, but currently, I don’t see a reason.” At press time, sources revealed that Musk’s decision may have been motivated by falling popularity among his children.

The post Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood appeared first on The Onion.

Bobo! I didn’t know he was in this movie.

Hill Billy Billy? #CowboyWho

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Junior staff ask me for recommendations I can’t give without reservations

I work with a number of support positions filled mostly by recent grads. Although they support my role, they are part of a different company and I have no supervisory role over them. A high percentage of them eventually want to go back to school to do my job and I get asked to fill out recommendation forms a few times a year. Sometimes this is an amazing part of my job — I get to pay forward all the help that I received. But I’m struggling with what to do when my opinion of someone’s work isn’t so glowing.

To not mince words, the support staff supervisor is truly terrible at his job. Between this, a toxic culture at their company, and being new to the workforce, many of the support staff have picked up habits that make it hard for me to recommend them without reservation. To give a couple examples, I’ve learned to not worry about some of them until they are a full 30 minutes late (meaning I’ve been doing their job and mine for the first 30 minutes of the day; I’m all for flexible time when coverage isn’t part of the job, but that is definitely not the case here). Anything their supervisor says is viewed as stupid and something that can be ignored and mocked, from the actually asinine to normal work requests. The recommendation forms will ask me to rank something like their punctuality or respect for management, items obviously a little hard to give glowing scores on.

I feel conflicted. None of this is happening in a vacuum; they have often never had a job with a good culture and good management, and a lot of these behaviors have become normalized within their group. On the other hand, my field is small and I don’t want to vouch for someone who ends up not outgrowing the toxicity.

I know from religiously reading your column that one (good!) piece of advice would be to offer to mentor them. The internal politics make that difficult — their company would view me as overstepping, my company would view me as spending time and resources that their company should be handling, and, honestly, I already do so much of their supervisor’s job that the idea of doing even more grates a bit. I would still be willing to try to help, though, if there is a way that is appropriate to my role.

I don’t want to give up writing recommendations completely — some people are truly exceptional. Am I being too harsh, and, if not, is there a good script for turning down recommendation requests from peers?

You aren’t being too harsh. In a small field, your reputation is on the line if you recommend someone who turns out to carry these same bad habits to their next job.

But I do think there’s room to do something here! The key is to do it before you’re at the point where they’re asking you for recommendations.

It doesn’t need to be full-on mentoring, for all the reasons you mentioned. But you could pull these staff members aside individually when you start noticing problems and say something like, “This isn’t something I plan to bring up again, but I want to give you a heads-up: a lot of people in your role end up asking me for recommendations to go back to school for X, and when I write recommendations I’m asked about things like punctuality and respect for management. I see the tough management situation you’re dealing with; I’m not blind to that. But I want to be up-front that if you ever do need a recommendation from me, I’m going to get asked about that stuff and have to be honest, and in some cases haven’t felt like I could write the recommendation at all. I never want to be explaining this to someone for the first time when they’re asking for a recommendation, and I think it’s fairer to say it early on while you can still do something with that information. It’s completely up to you what you do with it! I just want it out there so no one is surprised by it later.”

2. How do I get a security tag removed from a purchase years ago?

What’s the most professional way to approach a retail employee about something that would likely make you look suspicious?

What happened was that almost four years ago, I brought this great bra from Target. I went through the self-checkout line and was distracted by pleasant small talk with an employee. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized that I never got the big red anti-shoplifting thing-a-ma-bob removed, and it somehow didn’t trigger the door alarm at the front. I would’ve driven back to the store to have it removed, but it was late at night at the time.

Through a combination of social anxiety and then-untreated ADHD, I never went back to the store with the bra. I’ve moved to a different state since this had happened, and it’s only compounded my problem.

I re-discovered the bra with the old receipt in storage box this week. The receipt was from November 22, 2021. I would love to just walk into my nearest Target and have the tag removed, but I can’t think of any way to verify to customer service that I bought the bra honestly. (I’m the type of person who gets nervous when I leave a store without buying anything because employees probably assume that I stole something.)

How do I approach an employee about this? What should I do if they bring in security if they’re suspicious? Should the old receipt from a different state be enough verification, or should I do something else?

I’d love to hear from people with recent retail experience on this, but I think you can just bring it in with the receipt and say, “I know it’s ridiculous that it’s been several years, but I bought this bra at a Target in Rhode Island, here’s my receipt, and it still has the security tag on it. I put it aside to bring it back to have the tag removed and then completely forgot about it until recently. Is there any way to get it removed now, since I do have the receipt?” In other words, just lay it out for them!

You say you don’t know how to verify that you bought it honestly, but your receipt does that — or at least it does that as much as any receipt ever does. (It’s also possible that they don’t even sell that bra anymore, which would further lend your account credence, although I don’t even think that will matter.)

So just own it — “I did this weird thing, can you help?” (I feel like a full quarter of my customer service interactions involve me saying some version of “I did this weird thing, can you help?”)

I think they’ll just remove the tag for you. Even if they can’t because it was years earlier, they’re not likely to accuse you of shoplifting when you have a receipt in hand. But if they do, you’ll explain it, and that will probably take care of it! Worst case scenario, they’ll say “this is extremely irregular and we are confiscating this bra,” and you will be no worse off than you are now, except that you will hopefully be able to laugh at this snafu the whole way home.

3. Work transitions when someone is told to leave immediately

A manager on my team (not my supervisor) left the company unexpectedly about a month ago. It’s my understanding he was asked to leave immediately once the company learned he had taken a job with a direct competitor. This is pretty standard in my field and not the first time I’ve seen it happen, although it is the first time I’ve been so directly affected.

Because he was asked to leave so abruptly, there was no time to properly transition his ongoing work. He was in a lead role on two key projects, and the rest of us have been scrambling to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. It’s a bit embarrassing to have to ask clients for information a second or third time if it was something they had already discussed with him. We have access to his work files and emails, which is helpful, but not everything was documented in an easy-to-find way. We are prohibited from reaching out to him with questions, and even if someone did, he is under no obligation to answer.

Is there a better way for companies to handle sudden departures? I realize this can happen in any number of circumstances, like if someone has an unexpected health or family crisis. But, do you think companies should forcefully escort out employees who take jobs with competitors? Do you have any suggestions for the people left in the wake?

It’s not unusual in some industries to have people leave immediately if they’re going to work for a competitor, although of course if someone wants to take trade secrets, contact lists, etc., they can just do that before they give notice. Part of the thinking is that once the move is official, the person will have divided loyalties (and perhaps the preponderance of that loyalty will lay with the new employer) and it’s better to get the person out of the information flow as soon as possible — no point in them continuing to hear details about strategy, etc. — but it’s a bit much.

As for picking up the pieces after the person is gone, all you can really do is what you and your coworkers have been doing: going back over some of his tracks, asking for information again, and so forth. It doesn’t look great to clients, but there’s no other real way to handle it once the person is gone.

4. Firing someone right before her honeymoon

I am firing one of my team members due to a reorg in my team and low performance. She is getting married in three weeks and just came back from a long-term sick leave of four months. Is it better to get it done ASAP or to wait for her to be back from her honeymoon?

I’d do it ASAP because knowing she’s out of a job might change the spending decisions she makes on/leading up to her honeymoon. It’s not going to feel great to either of you, but I think it’s fairer to her to have all the information as soon as she can have it. (I do think reasonable people could disagree on this one, though.)

However, the fact that she just returned from a long-term sick leave introduces some legal complications (like whether it will look like she’s being let go because of the sick leave), so you should consult with a lawyer or at least your HR department before doing anything. The law doesn’t stop you from firing or laying someone off who’s been on sick leave, but you want to make sure you can document that the reasons for the decision had nothing to do with the leave.

5. Is this bad LinkedIn advice?

I have a family member who’s been laid off (not government or nonprofit but an industry affected by DOGE cuts). Their work paid for a job placement company.

They told me that the placement company told them to create a LinkedIn profile listing as a current role that’s “seeking role in…” The placement company claims recruiters search for who’s currently working and that’s how to still come up in searches.

It sounds to me like bad advice given by people who aren’t actually hiring managers. I’m concerned if the family member follows this advice it would work against them, but is it not a big deal?

It’s going to look a bit cheesy/salesy and I wouldn’t recommend doing it, but it’s not likely to be held against them, especially if they’re otherwise a good candidate.

The post when you can’t give a good recommendation, firing someone right before her honeymoon, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

BANGKOK—Taking a moment to reflect on the ways in which his time abroad had expanded his horizons, Cleveland native Dan Steifel told reporters Thursday his trip to Asia had given him an entirely new understanding of how soup could be breakfast. “Wow, I finally see how ignorant I’ve been my whole life,” said Steifel, adding that he had not previously been aware of how his own closed-minded, shamefully pancake-centric ideas had shaped his thinking about breakfast until he tried a traditional Thai morning meal of jok moo sap, a pork, rice, and garlic soup. “I can’t believe I was ever so stupid. I never would’ve considered that there are people just like me, half a world away, eating soup in the morning instead of cereal or a bagel. I definitely thought soup could be for brunch, or even an early lunch, but breakfast? It just goes to show how we all live in our own little cultural bubbles, especially when it comes to soup. But then again, that’s why you travel. To learn new things about yourself, about the world, and about what meals soup can be for.” At press time, Steifel was said to have quietly resolved to eat at his hotel’s complimentary continental breakfast the next morning.

The post Trip To Asia Gives Man New Understanding Of How Soup Can Be Breakfast appeared first on The Onion.

ATHENS, OH—Making a comprehensive determination about her patient almost instantaneously, no-nonsense nurse Mary-Jo McMann was reportedly able to complete a patient’s entire medical chart Thursday after pinching her arm flab once. “I had barely gotten into the examination room when she grabs a chunk of my arm between her thumb and forefinger and is immediately able to write down crucial details about my family background and medical history,” said patient Alison Firestone, telling reporters that the direct and forthright medical caregiver had barely jiggled the fat around her elbow before checking off dozens of boxes on a series of forms. “She didn’t so much as ask me to step on a scale or anything, and yet somehow she knew right away my blood pressure was 120 over 80.” Firestone later confirmed she was billed $3,000 for the arm pinch.

The post No-Nonsense Nurse Completes Entire Medical Chart After Pinching Arm Flab Once appeared first on The Onion.

If these newlyweds seriously think they can brush over the fact that they met during Patrick’s first marriage with a vague reference to “ups and downs,” they’ve got another thing coming.

The post Patrick Wood and Helen Shaw appeared first on The Onion.

The legislation would give ERCOT the ability to turn off power to major consumers in an emergency.

The Trump administration says it is deporting eight criminal "monsters", as immigration attorneys challenge the move.

Kelsey Grammer and Ted Danson pay their respects to their "beloved" co-star from the hit US sitcom.

Two pardoned Jan. 6 rioters posted photos and videos of themselves visiting the White House. One of them was convicted of assaulting police and texted after the riot, "I have murder in my heart."

Cyril Ramaphosa rebuts discredited claims of a "white genocide" in South Africa, as US president confronts him in Oval Office.