Cowboy Who?

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The situation has led Canada to ban importation of Texas cattle.

In brief: While Gulf development continues to be unlikely, we will probably see unsettled, wet weather try to make another run at the Gulf Coast, Southeast, and Texas next week. The Pacific remains congested with a lot of lower-end activity, as El Niño continues ramping up. Plus, we address reader questions on recently announced ocean research cuts.

Gulf update

The good news is that the odds of any Gulf development continue to remain pleasantly low over the next 7 to 10 days. A little bit of “noise” continues to show up in modeling by this coming weekend and early next week. Even the slightly busier ensemble model from the European ensemble is showing a fair bit of shear in the Gulf next week as well, so the chance of anything significant growing out of any storminess is extremely low.

Still, we’ll watch. I think more interestingly will be the precipitation we see emerge in this pattern, with another soaking possible from Texas into the Southeast either beginning this weekend or next week. Through this past Saturday, many parts of the Gulf Coast and Texas had seen 150 to 300 percent of normal rainfall over the previous month.

Another surge of moisture may lead to additional flooding concerns in these areas, so we’ll see how that evolves.

Eastern Pacific

Meanwhile, the Eastern Pacific remains busy, with Amanda dissipating out at sea, and Tropical Storm Boris near the Mexican coast.

I have to be honest: With a name like Boris, I expected more. Anyway, the second Pacific storm of the season will move ashore tonight as a tropical storm. Behind that is another disturbance passing off the coast of Nicaragua that will continue up the coast and eventually probably move inland. There is a chance that this one also becomes a tropical storm.

There’s just a lot of congestion along the Central America coast on the Pacific side, again, usually a calling card of an El Niño event.

Miscellany

We’ve been asked by a number of readers about a story making the rounds that first appeared in the New York Times about the Trump administration cutting and removing a deep ocean observation system around the globe. This project began 10 years ago and included over $350 million in instruments measuring a number of variables and data in the oceans to help us better understand what is happening on our planet. There’s no real good reason for these instruments to be removed. Or at least no one has shared any. The quote from the National Science Foundation’s spokesperson in the article reads, “aligns with N.S.F.’s wider strategy to have a nimbler approach to prioritizing support for evolving scientific priorities and emerging technologies as well as a deliberate approach to smart life cycle management within its portfolio of research infrastructure.”

In other words, they’re removing it because they don’t want to maintain it, which is kind of part of how science research works. Presumably the upkeep of this project (O&M cost in corporate parlance) as a legacy project had been accounted for in budgets, which opens the door up to any other number of reasons for removing it (like, perhaps because it also informs climate change research) that one can think of. You don’t just invest $350 million dollars in something that works and dismantle it to save a few bucks on maintenance. Or at least most business minded folks would not find that to be particularly efficient.

Anyway, the point is that this reduction is quite unnecessary. Yes, there are climate change research implications here. But there are also broader oceanographic, marine science, and yes, meteorological implications. Some stations help measure currents and provide added value to our broader understanding of coastal flooding, which is increasing all over the country. This continues a pattern that began last year by this administration and continues which is essentially death by a thousand paper cuts to the weather and climate fields (and science in general), implications be damned. We’re not being partisan here, we’re just being truthful.

In brief: In today’s post we explain why June in Houston is about to turn sunnier and a bit hotter, and look ahead to conditions this weekend. Also, did you know there was a fairly large earthquake in the Gulf on Monday?

June so far

This month, to date, has seen somewhat cooler than normal weather, especially during the day. More than half of the days have not see high temperatures rise above the mid-80s in the city, and every June day so far has recorded at least a trace of rain in most parts of the area. This has kept conditions feeling slightly spring-like rather that more summer-like.

But beginning today, and probably well into the weekend, we are going to see more typical June-like weather with more daytime sunshine and somewhat hotter temperatures. Each day going forward, away from the coast, is likely to see highs ranging from 90 degrees to the lower 90s, with a smattering of afternoon showers driven by the sea breeze. In short, June weather is going to be doing what June weather does in Houston.

Tuesday

Although atmospheric moisture levels remain high, increasing high pressure will influence our weather in the days to come. It won’t entirely clamp down on rain chances, but it should diminish coverage to fairly isolated to scattered showers this afternoon along the sea breeze. Overall rain chances are likely about 20 percent. Highs will reach about 90 degrees this afternoon for most of Houston, with mostly sunny skies. Winds will be fairly light from the south before increasing a little this afternoon. Skies should be clear tonight, but lows likely will only briefly reach down into the upper 70s.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday

Not a whole lot changes for the rest of the work week. Highs may tick up a degree or two, but inland areas should still be in the vicinity of the low 90s, with plenty of humidity and sunshine. We will continue to see a low-end chance of rain, primarily during the afternoon hours, driven by the sea breeze. Nights will remain warm and muggy.

Saturday and Sunday

The weekend, at least to start, is likely to see a continuation of this warm pattern, with scattered to isolated showers during the afternoon. However most of our model guidance indicates that high pressure may back off somewhat by next Sunday or Monday. For now I expect mostly sunny conditions on Sunday with scattered rain showers, but that could change to slightly more rain coverage depending on the timing of high pressure easing away. Temperatures will continue to be warm and humid, regardless.

Next week

At this vantage point, at least, the first half of next week appears likely to bring better rain chances. Whether this is 40 percent each day or 70 percent is something that we’ll have to iron out as we get closer. It’s June so you can expect continued muggy weather regardless.

Eye on the Gulf

Hah, I bet you thought I was going to talk about the tropics here, didn’t you? Well, you would be wrong. Things look pretty quiet over the next 10 days in the Atlantic, with only the very slight possibility of some minor mischief in the Bay of Campeche. What I actually wanted to mention is that there was an earthquake in the Gulf on Monday. At M6.1 it was fairly strong, and by some measures it may be the strongest earthquake ever recorded in the Gulf. It occurred off the northwest tip of Cuba, and was felt as far away as in Florida. I don’t think it’s a harbinger of anything ominous, but the Earthquake Insights newsletter has some interesting speculation about its cause.

BALTIMORE—Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans’ daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship. “An air fryer can be a powerful and reliable tool, but it’s no replacement for genuine interactions with other human beings,” said psychiatrist Lisa McDougan, explaining that while the small appliances were useful for many things, such as reheating leftovers and cooking frozen foods, they were simply not built to provide those who use them with lasting and meaningful social bonds. “Fostering connections with the people around us can be challenging, especially for those who lead busy lives. It’s important, however, not to fall into the trap of relying on a countertop convection oven as your only form of emotional support. These are man-made devices that prey on our isolation and are designed to deliver an addictive hit of dopamine every time you bite into a perfectly crisp Brussels sprout or golden-brown chicken nugget. With more and more Americans turning to air fryers for comfort, it’s important to remember that any kinship you may perceive is a shallow imitation of the warmth and joy you’d feel if a real-life friend fried some potato wedges for you.” McDougan added that as air fryer technology continued to advance in the coming years, it would likely become even more difficult to distinguish between true human affection and extra-crunchy bacon.

The post Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship appeared first on The Onion.

TENAFLY, NJ—According to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home country of Greece, he was a demigod. “People are usually shocked when I tell them my mom was a maiden and my dad was a rain god who took the form of a bull,” the minor deity said Wednesday, leaning on his mop as he explained that despite coming from a privileged household on Aeolia, he never considered himself above janitorial work. “Sometimes when I’m mopping the cafeteria after lunch, I think about all the time I used to spend rubbing elbows with the Muses at Mount Olympus. Yeah, it would be nice if I got a slightly bigger paycheck so I could take the occasional trip back to Hyperborea. If I could do it over again, I probably wouldn’t have come here as part of those Twelve Labors. But whatever. Can’t live your life in the rearview, you know?” Danielopoulos then reportedly sighed and returned to scraping gum off the underside of a desk. 

The post Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country appeared first on The Onion.

The pair said “I do” Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer.

The post Sara Morse and Beth Lozano appeared first on The Onion.

Well, that one is, but the others are boring.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our company was acquired — what are the chances this turns out okay?

The small business I work for has the best culture. It’s been a truly incredible experience to work with people for whom I have so much respect and get along with so well. I am so fortunate I was looking for a job when they were hiring.

But as with all other good things, it couldn’t last — the owners sold their business so they could retire. While we are ecstatic for them for achieving this dream of theirs, the entire staff is absolutely devastated.

The company they sold to is five times larger so not massive but certainly a bigger player in our industry, and they are much more “corporate.” For reference, the industry we’re in is fun and creative, and I think our office really exemplifies that.

Here’s the red flag I can’t get past: when asked point-blank if we would still be allowed our work-from-home days (one per week) and semi-flexible schedules (be in before 9, leave eight hours later, 30-minute lunch somewhere in there, no need to make up time you’re out for appointments unless you have work that needs to be done), the CEO of the new company assured us he had no problem with our schedules and things would mostly remain the same schedule-wise once they took over.

Having great bosses has apparently made me too trusting of upper management, because I believed him. And once the ink on the contract had dried, guess what happened? We now have to work fully in-office 8-5 with a mandatory one-hour lunch five days a week and adhere to a strict dress code. Not to mention, the compensation package is marginally worse.

On one hand, I genuinely want — or at least, wanted — to give the new company a chance. Though I am generally pretty cynical, I do always try to see the best in people and I want to assume they’re acting with the best intent. Everyone in our industry we’ve talked to who knows them say they’re great people and feel like our cultures will mesh really well and I want to believe that’s true.

On the other hand, I can’t get past the lie. I don’t like that they lied to our faces. I don’t understand why they couldn’t have just been up-front with us from the beginning so we could make an informed decision whether or not to stay, especially since the job market is so bad.

What are the chances this actually turns out okay, and the new company isn’t going to crush everything good about the office I work in? Should I lean into my natural optimism and give them a chance or is starting off with a lie really the red — or at least deep pink — flag it feels like? Or am I just out of touch and this is normal experience and I just need to suck it up?

There are two possibilities: they deliberately lied because they didn’t want to lose anyone during the transition to keep things stable while they took over, or they meant it when they said it but something changed their minds afterward. If no one explained the reason for the change and/or if it happened the instant they were officially in charge, it’s probably the former.

It is very common for there to be significant changes, often for the worse, when a company is acquired. It’s also pretty common for the new company to make a lot of promises that don’t actually come to fruition. Absent any other info, I’d assume that’s going to be the case here.

On the other hand, if people in your industry with firsthand knowledge of the new company (and whose judgment you trust) are telling you that they’re great and their culture is great … maybe. Any chance you can talk to someone whose works somewhere that was also acquired by them? They’d have the best insight. Meanwhile, though, I’d take a “wait and see” stance while still starting a job search so that you’re not starting from scratch if things do continue to go downhill.

Related:
should I tell people at the company we just acquired what they’re in for?

2. Should I let new jobs know I might pass out during training?

I got caught in the nonprofit funding cuts of the current administration and, as as a result, am in my third role in five years. While this situation is far from ideal, it has given me a chance to notice a weird pattern that I’m not sure if I should alert potential employers to once I’m job hunting again.

I specialize in accounting admin and sometimes HR which often requires hours long trainings with finicky systems — the kind of thing where it’s a 30-step process to generate one invoice and if even one step is done in the wrong order, the system falls apart. I’m really good at picking up on new systems and like this kind of detail-oriented work. The problem is that at some point during the hours of training, I pass out. Not like, “Oh I need a nap.” No, more like, I am mid-conversation with my trainer and everything starts going black. Doesn’t matter if the training is virtual or in-person, I just start to slump and hear the sweet call of the abyss. What gets weirder is that it will happen once during training, and then never again.

I’ve tried various remedies: cold water, caffeine, food, and on one desperate occasion pinching. It happens, I fight to remain conscious, and then at some point it stops and I just carry on like nothing happens. It’s really embarrassing and I don’t want to draw attention to it or worse, give the impression that I’m not an attentive employee. But I’m not sure how to address this in the workplace, especially since it only happens once in each job.

My current job isn’t my ideal role, so I expect to be job hunting again in the next year or two. Should I tell future employers that I might pass out before it happens so they have a heads-up? Or should I just wait to see if it happens at all and address it then?

First and foremost, have you talked to your doctor about this?  It’s weird that it only happens once per job, but it’s concerning that it’s happening regardless. It would be different if it were a warm room and someone were droning on and on and sleepiness overcame you — but you said it’s happening while you’re mid-conversation and everything just goes black, so please talk to your doctor!

That will also help with what to say to future employers. It’s likely to come across oddly to say, “I’m going to pass out once but only once during this training and I can’t explain why,” whereas it’ll land a lot better if you can say, “I have a medical condition that very rarely will make me pass out abruptly in situations like this. My doctor knows about it and just in case it happens, it’s nothing to be alarmed by.”

This isn’t something you’d need to say during the interview process or even to your manager; it’s just something you’d say at the start of training to whoever is training you.

3. What name to apply with?

I have a 17-year-old daughter who is hoping to get a job in the next couple of months, but we’re unsure which name she should apply under. She is a transgender woman. So, she was born “John,” but is now “Jane.” She goes by Jane everywhere (family, school, public, etc.) except for on her legal documents. She is still John on her ID and for medical issues (we have military insurance).

We live in a blue area of a blue state. We’ve never overly worried about her safety in our local area, but we (her parents) don’t feel safe in this current political environment with trying to legally change her name at the moment. We don’t want the government to know she’s transgender at the moment.

What name should she use to apply for this job she really wants? She said if she has to work as John, she doesn’t want the job. So, should she apply as Jane and then disclose her legal name at the time of filling out employment paperwork? Or should she apply as John and then disclose her preferred name after hire? My husband and I have gone round and round about this and we aren’t sure of what the best answer is. What would you suggest?

She should apply as Jane — just like how if her legal name were Cordelia but she went by Lulu, it would be fine to apply as Lulu and then explain when doing hiring paperwork that her legal name is Cordelia.

When she gets hired, she should say, “For any hiring-related paperwork, I want to let you know my legal name is John Warbleworth, but I go by Jane.”

4. How do I network with an exec at another org who I admire?

I work at a mid-sized nonprofit organization as part of the leadership team. While the work itself is very mission-driven, I’ve found that the broader leadership culture can feel disconnected from the financial and social realities many people are navigating today. Because we’re based in an affluent suburb, it can be difficult for people to see outside of their own experiences.

As a result, I’ve been paying closer attention to other local organizations whose approaches feel more community-centered. At one of those organizations that I collaborate with regularly, there’s a member of the C-suite whom I admire tremendously. I’d love to put a bug in her ear that I’d be open to opportunities there should any ever arise, but I’m not sure how to approach that tactfully.

Part of me genuinely wants to learn from her — how she built her career and developed the skills she has — and part of it is networking. What do I actually ask for when requesting a meeting? And how do I naturally broach the topic of future opportunities without making it awkward?

You collaborate with her organization regularly, so you have an easy in to tell her that you admire her work (and why) and say you’d love to buy her coffee and hear more about the work she does. Then, over coffee, tell her more about what you admire about her career and ask the questions that are on your mind about how she built it. Toward the end of that conversation, it would be very natural to say, “If there’s ever an opening at Org to do XYZ, I’d be very interested.” That’s a very normal way to go about it; it won’t seem awkward!

5. Should I send a thank-you after a 15-minute phone screening?

For the first time in a while, I had a 15-minute phone screen instead of the more common 30- to 45-minute full-fledged interview (video or phone).

I know that if it’s explicitly 15 minutes, then it’s definitely more of a screening than a full interview. Do you recommend following up by email with a thank-you note? Or, because it’s just a 15-minute phone screen, does a thank-you note email come off as too desperate/perfunctory/overkill?

Nope, you should still send the follow-up note. It doesn’t come across as desperate. Some hiring managers/recruiters won’t care at all but others do take it as a plus — and since it’s so easy to do and helps in some cases and doesn’t hurt regardless, it makes sense to do it.

The post our company was acquired and things are changing, I might pass out during training, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

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NEW YORK—Growing increasingly indignant with each passing possession, President Donald Trump reportedly spent the first quarter of Monday’s Game 3 of the NBA Finals angrily demanding that Knicks guard Jalen Brunson put on a suit. “You’re telling me this guy is supposed to be the star, yet he goes out on the court wearing, what, his bathing suit?” said Trump, who reportedly leaned over the railing of his private suite and yelled that people had paid good money to attend the game and should not be “forced to look at a grown man’s knees—disgusting!” “No class. Absolutely zero class. If Scotty [Bessent] showed up to work like that, I’d slap him silly. He’d be out of a job. It’s a disgrace. A disgrace to the team, a disgrace to the fans. Someone get [deceased former NBA Commissioner David] Stern on the phone. He can’t just be letting guys dress like maniacs.” Sources confirmed Trump then instructed aides to go down to the court and order Brunson to put on “a collared shirt, a jacket, slacks, and Florsheims,” adding that in all his many years of attending Knicks games, he had never once seen a slob like that allowed onto the court.

The post Trump Angrily Demands Jalen Brunson Put On Suit appeared first on The Onion.

Two more cases of the New World screwworm have been confirmed hundreds of miles apart in Texas, demonstrating the difficulty of stopping the spread of a pest that could potentially devastate the nation's cattle industry.

A reader writes:

I manage a small office that is struggling with both morale and performance. I’m currently the only supervisor and I’m trying to turn things around, but the office is still in a rebuilding phase. Most employees have significant performance issues.

I generally don’t organize workplace celebrations, including birthdays, holidays, or personal milestones. In a prior position, I found that gestures like cupcakes and cards often felt like empty managerial labor. It also feels awkward to highlight personal milestones in a group where most employees are facing performance counseling and/or discipline. I do recognize professional achievements; for example, I recently sent a brief team-wide email congratulating someone who won a workplace-wide award.
Recently, employees have started bringing in more personal celebration items themselves. One departing temporary employee was well-liked personally, and everyone was openly sad about his departure. But from a supervisory standpoint, I had concerns that he may not have been keeping up with expectations; after he left, we discovered much of his work was unfinished. For his departure I held a meeting, said a few appropriate words of thanks, and presented him with the same standard tokens we provide to everyone who leaves. During that departure meeting, another employee unexpectedly produced balloons, flowers, and a card. Separately, an employee who described herself as a “big celebrations person” mentioned that she’s bringing in a cake because she and another coworker reached the same educational milestone.

I don’t want to discourage kindness, but I’m unsure what good management etiquette requires. Is it acceptable to stay largely uninvolved while employees handle optional celebrations themselves, or does my silence make me look ungenerous or not fully in control of office norms?

You shouldn’t feel awkward about celebrating personal milestones like birthdays because someone isn’t doing well in their job. Separate those into two completely different things in your thinking! If someone is part of your team, they’re not less worthy of celebration for a birthday/new baby/new degree/etc. just because they’re struggling in their job — and you will have a stronger, more cohesive team if people feel personally supported regardless of how well they’re performing.

That’s not to say that you, as a manager, need to be organizing celebrations for those things. Some managers do and some managers don’t, and either is reasonable. But “it feels awkward to do this for someone whose performance is bad” is the wrong way to look at it.

As for the celebrations themselves: there is value in having times when the team can come together and eat cake and celebrate something. Maybe it’s a work victory, maybe it’s someone’s promotion, maybe it’s the fact that it’s Thursday. There’s inherent value in doing it now and then.

But if those celebrations are going to be for birthdays and departures and other personal milestones, they need to be consistent. If some people get balloons and flowers when they leave and others don’t, people will notice that disparity and feel bad about it. It will harm morale, which will weaken your team overall.

You might figure there’s nothing you can do about that because you’re not the person organizing these things, but you absolutely can — and as the manager, you really need to since you’re charged with looking out for the morale and overall health of your team. So: talk to team members, point out that it doesn’t feel great when some people’s milestones are recognized and some people’s aren’t, and say the team needs to switch to a different system.

Given everything you’ve described about the situation, I’d recommend that that system be that anyone who wants to celebrate their own milestone is welcome to bring in a treat for the team. If someone wants to observe their birthday or their graduation or whatever it is, they can bring in a cake or bagels or an old-timey Jell-O mold or whatever they’d like, and that way people who want to celebrate with their colleagues will ensure it happens, people who don’t like celebrating that stuff at work can skip it, and no one has to feel bad that their coworkers celebrated Jane’s new baby but not theirs.

(Also, I know this isn’t what you wrote in to ask about, but what’s up with most employees having significant performance issues? If you just came on as the manager and are in the process of dealing with it at all, that’s one thing — but if that’s not the case, that’s a pretty untenable situation. Discovering employee who left hadn’t done a lot of his work is a sign that you probably need to be managing more closely so that you’re not learning something like that after the person is gone. With a team like this, you really need your hands pretty deeply in everything until the problems are resolved, including replacing people if training and coaching don’t work.)

The post I manage a struggling team — how should I handle workplace celebrations? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’m job hunting and have been stumped by interview questions about conflict with coworkers. I don’t want to come off like the guy who never makes mistakes, but I just really don’t have conflicts with coworkers. I have plenty of examples of dealing with difficult customers! But I’ve only worked jobs where collaboration was minimal so I’ve never had to argue over something like the direction of a project. I’m a patient and easy-going sort, sometimes to my detriment. I dislike conflict and prefer to avoid it. I’d rather let someone else have their way than argue, and I’m very good at being polite and pleasant even to people I find annoying.

The only thing I could think of was when I asked a coworker to stop opening his car door for me. It was a big deal for me to set even a small boundary like that! Even though I’m pretty sure he thought I was being silly, he did stop doing it. I’m worried that’s a weak example and/or risks making me come across like some kind of soapbox Sally who’s going to go on man-hating feminist rants at the drop of a hat. Is that a good example? And if not, what would be? Is there a way to say “I’m really skilled at avoiding conflict” that doesn’t make me sound like I’m lying or a pushover?

Yeah, that’s not a great example for an interview; it’s not really a conflict, it’s not quite work-related, and it risks raising the interviewer’s own biases, as you noted.

For what it’s worth, as an interviewer I’d find it highly relevant that you dislike conflict so much that you’ll always give in rather than advocate for a different way; that’s not necessarily a good thing, and in some jobs could be a real problem. But just because it’s something I’d want to know as an interviewer doesn’t mean it’s in your interests to share it, so I think you’ve got to search your history for some kind of example.

However, “conflict” doesn’t have to mean an argument! It can mean anything where you and other person were approaching a situation from two very different perspectives and how you navigated it. You mentioned you’ve dealt a lot with difficult customers, and that experience is probably rife with examples you could use (even if it’s just talking about times that you used empathy and put yourself in the customer’s shoes to see their perspective and find a solution that worked for them).

Or if you ever found someone difficult to work with, even if they would say you always got along, that might be an example you can use; you could talk about how you adjusted your approach to adapt for that.

I think you’re thinking of “conflict” as necessarily heated or adversarial, or as something where one person is “wrong.” But for the purpose of interviewing, your examples can just be times when you and another person had different agendas, different perspectives, or different styles.

The post I don’t have any examples of conflicts to talk about in interviews appeared first on Ask a Manager.

Why do you lash out like that?

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Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
I contend that SMBC remains the comic with the funniest jokes about commodity pricing.

Today's News:

WASHINGTON—Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved. “You have to understand, when I was coming up in the ’40s, these fires were talked about in an almost entirely negative context, and I was just a dumb cub echoing the conventional thinking of the time,”  said Smokey Bear, telling reporters that conversations with real estate owners and insurance carriers who had benefited from wildfires had convinced him to soften his stance. “I’ve always striven to live with integrity, and sometimes that means admitting that you were wrong. It’s clear to me now that the decimation of large sections of woodland by an out-of-control blaze is a far more nuanced issue than I had previously been led to believe. While I don’t think I’m ever going to be cheering on flaming infernos spreading throughout our nation’s parks, I now understand they have an important role to play in a healthy ecosystem.” Smokey Bear added that he would be joining fellow mascot McGruff The Crime Dog to petition Congress for more lenient penalties against arsonists.  

The post Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved  appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Calling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human. “This successful operation proves that pig penises are a viable, long-term solution for circumcised patients in desperate need of working foreskin,” lead surgeon Robert Langford said of the procedure performed late last year, expressing hope that the new development in cross-species phallus grafts could help address the nearly 130 million Americans on the national waiting list to receive a foreskin donation. “We took porcine tissue from a specially bred, well-endowed pig and genetically edited the sample in order to reduce the chance that it would be rejected by the host penis. For the first time in history, we’ve been able to confirm without a doubt that renewed sensitivity and enhanced sexual pleasure can be safely transferred from pig to man. Imagine a world in which doctors can promise terminally circumcised patients a second chance at stimulation.” At press time, Dr. Langford announced that after a record 93 days, the penis had died. 

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Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Nature’s face and dares her to do something about it.

Reference #815233

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PETALUMA, CA—Nervously drumming his fingers as he reviewed the information one more time, local 20-year-old Kane Parsons reportedly attached the file Backrooms.mov to his film school application Monday. “Alright, here goes nothing,” said Parsons, who told reporters that he had so far applied to six undergraduate film school programs, including Drexel University, Rochester Institute of Technology, and Ithaca College, but that he would probably apply to three to four more to maximize his chances of getting accepted anywhere. “Going to film school has always been my dream.  I don’t have many extracurriculars on my resume, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this Backrooms project is good enough to pull it off. We’ll see. CSUN’s probably a bit of a reach, but I have a good feeling about San Francisco State. At least I have James Wan down as a reference.” Parsons added that he was just hoping the director of Obsession wasn’t applying for the same scholarships.

The post Kane Parsons Attaches Backrooms.Mov To Film School Application appeared first on The Onion.

June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer. 

Use discretion when conversing with strangers on apps who list their job as “Secret Police.”

Make sure the destination you’re heading to isn’t somewhere that persecutes LGBTQ+ people, like Dubai or Boston.

Use the restroom that you feel most comfortable having dysentery in.

If a language barrier makes it difficult to tell if a local is also gay, listen for key universal phrases like “Laurie Metcalf.”

Travelers to Europe should pack a Type-C penis adapter.

Be absolutely certain your Pride flag doesn’t resemble the flag of any local insurgent groups before flying it.

It may be safer to tell hoteliers that your partner is your sibling, cousin, or a U.S. marshal escorting you to prison.

Denmark seems fine, if we had to guess.

Use hook-up apps with caution by only agreeing to sex in public places like cafes.

Remember that, unfortunately, many countries still persecute bisexual women in cishet relationships.

If questioned by locals, do not reveal that Ellen DeGeneres is also gay.

The post Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers appeared first on The Onion.

A meta-analysis of existing research found that cat owners had an increased risk of schizophrenia-related disorders, concluding that those exposed to cats had twice the likelihood of developing psychosis. What do you think?

The post Cat Ownership Linked To Schizophrenia appeared first on The Onion.

Today’s your lucky day, kid. I’m you from the future. I traveled back to 1955 to give you this sports almanac. It lists all the biggest sports events from now to the end of the century. All you have to do is bet on the winner, and you’ll never lose.

You’re the fifth “me” I’ve visited. I guess sports have changed between 1955 and the twenty-first century, because after the others read a few pages of the almanac, they threw it in my face and called me a “psycho.” One of them called the cops. Another got our dad, who pulled out his shotgun and called me a “dirty red.” So this time, I’m explaining a few things so you don’t freak out.

For starters, horse racing is no longer the biggest thing in America. Yes, “seriously.” I know right now it’s as big as baseball, but in the future most Americans just care about the Kentucky Derby, and only because it involves day drinking. The few people who regularly watch horse races anymore are white folks looking for an excuse to cosplay the Jim Crow–era South, millionaires who broker in horse semen, and degenerate gamblers.

Boxing’s also fallen out of the top five. It peaks in 1971 with a fight at the Garden watched by three hundred million people who pretended it was about the Vietnam War, which is a thing you should forget I mentioned. Don’t worry about it.

After that, boxing spends the next fifty years in a slow free fall until the only regular spectators left are subscribers to Cigar Aficionado, men who wear tuxedos to sports events, and degenerate gamblers.

The number one sport in the country is football—by a lot. I know, it’s barely on TV right now, but in my time, it’s pretty much the only television people still watch. It takes off when the NFL begins airing games on Sundays, only slowing down briefly after the Blues Brothers performed during halftime at the Super Bowl.

Take a breath for this next part: The most popular football team is no longer the Cleveland Browns. No, I haven’t smoked a “jazz cigarette.” On the other hand, the league’s biggest stars are still the quarterbacks. Yes, the players who don’t have to run, tackle, be tackled, or even pass all the time. It’s true. Well, technically, the most famous player was a running back, but he was better known for a double homicide. Don’t worry about it.

The game itself is basically the same. Sure, the goalposts have moved, there’s more passing, and science has shown that the sport causes brain damage, but at least there are still cheerleaders!

After football, the second biggest sport is basketball, which you probably don’t know much about since the NBA is only about six years old. I know you think basketball is boring in 1955. Trust me, it gets a lot more exciting after they add innovations like the shot clock and players other than white men from Amish Country.

Then basketball blows up in the ’80s, and in the ’90s an NBA player becomes so famous he acts in a movie with Bugs Bunny. Yes, literally.

No, cartoon characters don’t come to life in the future. The point is, basketball is now a cultural phenomenon. And not just the NBA. Women’s basketball gets really big. This is the point where our 1955 dad called me a “dirty red.”

You’ll be happy to learn that baseball is still popular, especially when everyone starts hitting more home runs after injecting a variety of super-drugs into their asses. Yes, that sounds weird and gross, but it was just the baseball players. And the professional wrestlers. And the entire Tour de France. And… um… Russia.

I don’t like how this next part keeps freaking younger me out, but in the future, Jews are allowed to play golf.

That about covers it. I don’t have time to get into the two-point conversion, Tonya Harding, the Munich Olympics, or the “Super Bowl Shuffle.” But you can’t bet on stuff like that anyway. At least not until the prediction markets that ultimately destroy the global economy. Don’t worry about it.

Good luck, kid. Not that you’ll need it. And if all these crazy changes are too much to keep track of, just remember one thing: When in doubt, always bet against the Mets.

In brief: In today’s post we discuss the amount of rainfall Houston received over the last two months, and show how it has completely wiped a drought off the map. Also, we look ahead to a sunnier weak with considerably less rain. Also, the World Cup starts here this weekend!

April and May showers brought an end to the drought

Over the course of the last two months, and culminating on Saturday, the greater Houston region has received beneficial rains. Although the precipitation put a damper on some outdoor activities, we managed to get a large amount of rainfall without too many serious flooding issues. That’s never easy in Houston. How much rain? Since the first week of April most of the region has received 150 to 200 percent of normal rainfall totals, which translates to 12 to 18 inches of rain for most.

Perhaps you don’t recall, but following a dry-ish winter and start to spring, the entire metro area (not to mention surrounding counties) had fallen into a drought. This ranged from a “moderate” drought in central Harris County to an ” extreme” drought for most of our surrounding counties. This boded ill as Houston faced the warmer months of late spring and summer. But then, of course, the last two months happened. You can use the slider below to compare our drought situation at the end of March to where we were at the beginning of June.

Now, I’m given to understand that not everyone likes rain. In fact, after our most recent outbreak of showers I’ve seen some people saying they’re sick and tired of the rain, and when is it going to get sunny already? Well, if that’s you, read on.

Monday

Clouds will linger today, along with a slight chance of showers, before high pressure settles in to assert control over our weather for much of the rest of the week. Accordingly high temperatures may only reach the upper 80s to 90 degrees later today. We are seeing a few light showers near thew coast this morning, and there’s the potential for some isolated thunderstorms this afternoon, especially for areas north of I-10. But overall rain chances are probably only about 20 percent. Winds will be from the south at about 10 mph, with gusts this afternoon from 15 to 20 mph. Lows tonight will only fall into the upper 70s.

Tuesday through Friday

This week will bring fairly similar conditions through the forecast period, with high temperatures generally in the low 90s, and overnight lows in the upper 70s to only around 80 degrees right along the coast. Skies will be partly to mostly sunny each day, with a warm southerly flow. Winds will be a bit gusty, from the south. As for rain chances, they’re not zero, but on a daily basis they’re not much higher than 10 or 20 percent. This week really will feel summer-like for Houston, so buckle up.

Saturday and Sunday

Houston’s weather will remain warm and humid this weekend, and we may see highs tip up a little bit further, generally topping out in the low- to mid-90s. It appears as though high pressure may back off a little bit, allowing for maybe a 20 percent chance of showers on Saturday, and perhaps a 30 or 40 percent likelihood on Sunday with a few more clouds. We shall see.

Speaking of this weekend, soccer (futbol) fans will well know that the first World Cup game in Houston comes on Sunday, June 14, when Germany faces Curaçao (a country of 155,000 people—imagine League City taking on Germany in soccer). Anyway, Matt has written a special weather post for World Cup visitors that we’re going to be publishing later this morning, so be sure and share that with anyone you know coming in from out of town. The games are indoors at Reliant Stadium, of course, but the weather for festivities before and after Sunday’s game looks fairly typical for mid-June.

Next week

At some point early next week, perhaps later on Sunday or Monday, we are likely to see somewhat better rain chances return to the region. But since this is a week or so out, I don’t have great confidence in the forecast.