Lagardner

Sometimes people are sad. There can be all sorts of reasons why a person might be sad, ranging from intense personal loss to an imbalance in one’s brain chemicals and all sorts of other things. I don’t mean this to be targeted to any specific type of sadness, but more just sadness in general.

I’ve been running into an increasing number of people wondering about how to talk to or interact with loved ones who are sad, and I’ve also had a lot of experiences with times I have been sad, and people who care about me not knowing how to react or what to say. I know, the internet already has guides for talking to depressed people and whatnot out there, but I figured I might as well throw another one into the mix.

Now, I am not an authority on sadness, or on talking to sad people. The most I can claim is a whole lot of experience being sad, and experience with people saying helpful things and unhelpful things. However, people are individuals and no one answer will work for everyone. The best I can offer is general guidelines and directions to go when talking to someone you love who is sad. Ultimately, though, your best bet is to ask them what they need, and then believe them.

All that said, the first thing I want to address is a really big no-no; a mistake I see far too often. Never ever try to fix it. I think, when faced with someone who is extremely sad, people get uncomfortable. You may want to help but not know how, so you go into “fix it” mode. This is a Very Bad Idea.

With most of the types of sadness that I know about, there really is no fix. And even if there is a possible path to fixing it, the path is almost certainly long and stressful and fraught with difficulty, and the sad person will have to do most or all of the work themselves. If they are sad due to loss or mean brain chemicals or something, there really is no fixing it. There is only going through it. Trying to fix, while you may be trying to be helpful, can actually just come across as belittling. Don’t do it.

So what can you do instead?

Well, it may seem like a useless, not-helping thing to do, but you can offer comfort, acknowledge their pain and sadness, and be willing to sit with them and love them anyway.

YES. DO THIS. image by the fabulous robot-hugs

I know that when I am sad, these are the things that people can offer that help me the most. These are the things I crave. These are the things that are surprisingly hard to come by because people are too busy either not knowing what to say, or trying to fix that which they cannot fix.

It’s like that Hyperbole and a Half metaphor with the dead fish. People kept (metaphorically) trying to help her find her fish or reassure her that her fish weren’t dead or otherwise try to fix the problem but these were ultimately completely useless things. Just acknowledging the very dead state of the fish, and telling her that you like her anyway was all she wanted, but people were too busy trying to look on the bright side or be cheerful or fix things to do that.

Sometimes a person will be sad because they are dealing with something in their life that is very stressful. I’ve seen people feel guilty for spending time with a friend who is dealing with Stressful Thing, or wish they could help but felt helpless to do so. So I just want to say – if a friend of yours is dealing with a Stressful Thing, time with you can be time off from The Thing. Maybe they’ll want to talk about being sad, or maybe they’ll want distraction and someone cheerful to be around, or maybe something else entirely. I don’t know. The point is, you can be very helpful just by being a friend, even if you aren’t doing anything extraordinary. So if you want to help a sad friend, be willing to do that.

Feeling helpless or useless or uncomfortable when someone you love is sad is fairly normal. It can be hard to deal with. Also normal but BAD – don’t do this – is dumping all those feels onto the sad person that you want to help. Never, ever put the person you should be comforting into a position where they feel the need to comfort you. If you need to talk about your feels in this context, go to your own support network. Or as Susan Silk and Barry Goldman say, comfort in, dump out.

You may have seen this. I love this diagram. Wherever you are in those circles, send comfort IN, do your dumping OUT.

Finally, always take care of yourself. It’s really awesome if you want to be supportive to someone you love, even if they are very sad, and I congratulate your for it most heartily. The world needs more people like you. An important step in this process is making sure you are stable and ok; if you sometimes need to take a step back to breathe and recover, then do so.

If I was going to try to sum this up, I’d say let go of trying to do big gestures, and remember that the small gestures are a lot bigger than you might think.

Parallel play! Picture by the fabulous Kimchi Cuddles

So there’s this thing called parallel play. It’s one of four general stages of play that people are generally expected to progress through as they mature. So first of all, how about a quick run-down of those stages:

Solitary play: Basically, this is when you’re doing your own thing in your own way.

Parallel play: When you’re in the proximity of someone, and you’re each doing more or less the same thing, but you are not otherwise interacting. The above picture would be an example of this.

Associative play: When you’re with another person (or a group of people), doing the same thing, and interacting to share materials and whatnot. So everyone drawing pictures but sharing/passing around the paper, markers, etc would be a form of this.

Cooperative play: A more organized form of social play, such as playing a board game together.

These types of play are usually described in terms of age groups, with the idea that as a person gets older, they progress to increasingly social forms of play. What tends to not be explicitly stated but I kind of feel an undertone of is that the more social forms of play are somehow better. This article while ultimately paying some lip-service to the idea that parallel play is healthy among adults, still gave me an overall sense that parallel activities were bad. Or at least, less good than social activities.

Thing is, the more social of an activity I’m doing, the more draining I find it to be. Only I do actually like having friends and while I may ultimately want to spend the vast majority of my time alone, I do want to socialize now and again. Which basically is to say – I LOVE parallel play. Sitting on a couch with a friend while we both read but don’t talk to each other is, to me, a lovely way to spend an evening. When I socialize around crafting it is much the same way. Sometimes we will talk and interact, and sometimes we will simply each quietly do our own thing, in proximity to each other but not interacting.

This is a relaxing, pleasurable way for me to socialize. Because to me it IS socializing. I am (hopefully) enjoying the proximity and shared activity, and I find that meaningful. We don’t actually need to interact all the time.

I think parallel play does not get enough respect. This article actually listed it as a “warning sign” for autism in a toddler, even though it is a totally normal and developmentally appropriate way for a toddler to play.* Personally, I think parallel play is an awesome thing for adults to do as well. Actually, I suspect parallel play is fairly common amongst adults (though I cannot actually verify this), though it may not be the primary way adults interact. I also think that’s AWESOME! The picture I chose for this also illustrated the pressure I sometimes feel that I’m not “supposed” to be engaging in parallel play. If I’m with someone, I should be interacting with them, right? Well… maybe not always, really. Maybe we should consciously make room for this as a totally valid social activity. I could see someone claiming it as a problem if it were the only way I ever interacted (I’m not entirely sure I’d agree, but I at least think a solid argument could be made); but as a low-cost way to enjoy another person I think it’s great.

What do you think of parallel play? Is it something you like to do?

*Though that article also referred to autism as a “childhood epidemic,” so I’m not sure how seriously we should really take it.

A new living sculpture just went up in the Bristol Central Library called Book Hive that will ultimately consist of 400 "moving" books, one for each year of the library's history. To celebrate the library's 400th anniversary, Bristol's creative robotics collective Rusty Squid, with an award of £90,000 from Arts Council England, designed this interactive installation that blends old books with new technology. The swarm of animated books responds to the movements of the library's visitors, opening and closing in breathtaking patterns. The books are displayed in hexagonal cells, hence the name, Book Hive.

Arts Council England south west director Phil Gibby said: “This is an imaginative and inventive installation that brings together past, present and future in a way that is both thought-provoking and marvelous fun.

“We believe that everyone, particularly children and young people, should have the opportunity to experience the richness of the arts, museums and libraries, and by supporting excellent projects like Book Hive, we can bring together the right partners to commission and create something amazing.”

Book Hive will be displayed at Bristol's Central Library until March 7, 2014. Love art installations that creatively incorporate books like this.

Arts Council website
Photos via [Bristol Culture, Bristol City Council]

Madrid-based Spanish street artist Sam3 recently created an intriguing mural titled Park on the side of a building in Barcelona. The large-scale work presents silhouettes of four trees whose entangled branches transform their image into that of two people's heads facing each other. The incredible piece of street art has a duality about it that merges the image of nature and man.

Upon closer inspection, one takes note of the countless birds perched atop the viny, maze-like branches, filling in the expressive profile of each illusive face. There are also a few birds in flight between the lips of the pair of heads, visually representing the act of speaking. In his blog, the clever street artist even accompanies the piece with a single line that reads: "The small birds are tree's words."

If you're on Tumblr, you may already know the name Liz Climo. She's the artist whose funny comics get thousands (and even tens of thousands) of notes a day, as people share her witty works with the world. By day, she's an animator for the hit show The Simpsons and at night she turns into one of the most popular artists on Tumblr.

When asked how her day job influences her nighttime comic making she says, "I actually get a lot of ideas for my comics from my job at The Simpsons, but not not in the way might think. I work with a lot of funny, interesting people, and my interactions with them on a daily basis give me a lot of ideas. Also, I grew up watching the show, so the humor, especially in the early season, really helped shape my sense of what I find funny."

Her animal illustrations feature talking dinosaurs, birds, bunnies and bears who all have a wry sense of humor. In an interview with Her Campus Media she talks about what inspires her. "I am most inspired by mundane stuff that happens to me throughout the day that I find funny. It's usually stuff I just see all around me and the way people respond to things. I almost always get my ideas for comics in social situations."

Now, here are some of our favorites.

When asked what advice she'd give to aspiring artists, Liz told us this, "Don't be afraid of your own style! For so long I was embarrassed to show my work because I felt like it was so juvenile compared to all the amazing artists out there. But I got over it, and I'm so glad I did!"

Liz Climo on Tumblr and Facebook
via [Her Campus Media, Dooce]

Idaho-based architect Macy Miller longed for a place of her own, but didn't want the burdensome cost of mortgage payments and decided to construct her own compact home. After having a dream back in 2011, Miller mustered up the initiative to design her small yet efficient home known as Tiny House. Interested in the ever-expanding DIY movement as both a way to save on costs and gain some experience with construction, Miller worked on the 196-square-foot home for two years in the hopes of making her dream come true.

The house, which was built on top of a flatbed trailer with the use of sustainable materials, just recently finished construction. The clever design includes recycled shipping pallets for the siding of the home and practically brand new windows that were entirely donated. Inside the cozy space, every modern amenity needed is available including lighting, a kitchen area, and even a working bathroom.

With so much accomplished on a tight budget, Miller's project is not quite complete as she is currently searching for a place to park her quaint dwelling. The architect hopes to one day run the entire structure completely off-the-grid, making it both eco-friendly and space-saving. You can follow her continued progress on her personal blog.

Macy Miller's blog
via [Inhabitat]

Back in August we brought you the incredible LEGO recreation of the Lord of the Ring's Helm's Deep Battle that took Rich-K and Big J, 150,000 LEGO bricks to build. Now, it's time to show you another recreation inspire by J.R.R. Tolkien's epic saga. Master LEGO builders Alice Finch and David Frank have teamed up to make the Elven outpost in Middle-earth, Rivendell, using an astonishing 200,000 LEGO bricks. Notice the gorgeous colors, the detail in the architecture and all the miniature scenes within a scene.

The Brothers Brick has a great interview with the two about building the sprawling set. In it, they talk about all the research they had to do before they even laid one brick and how they had to approach the project from a design standpoint. When The Brothers Brick asked, "What did you struggle with the most?," we learn an interesting fact.

"Because the landscape and vegetation are so important to the model, I came up with the idea of having it transition through the seasons," Alice states. "We now have so many different leaf colors to choose from that I thought it would be great to be able to use them all, and having it flow gradually from spring on the left to autumn on the right would be an interesting way to highlight the variety of foliage colors."

via [The Brothers Brick]

Racial Microaggressions is a photo project by Fordham University student Kiyun Kim that addresses the racial comments that she and her peers succumb to on a daily basis. They may not be attacks from organized groups, shunning them for their cultural, ethnic, or religious backgrounds, but the words are tiny jabs that these youths are regularly subjected to because of stereotypical comparisons of behavior and physical attributes associated with their race.

The 19-year-old photographer's series presents her fellow classmates holding up signs that either reflect their own thoughts on the subject of being discriminated against for their race or they display cringe-worthy, ignorant quotes that have been said to them. The signs with quotes are especially poignant, making one realize they've heard these exact words or something similar being said before, often without realizing the offensive power they inflict on others.

Art and photography are always great sources of inspiration but Brandon Stanton's Humans of New York series, in particular, seems to have struck a chord with people all across the world. Following in the footsteps of the photographer's ongoing portrait series, several Humans of… projects have popped up. It turns out, there are interesting people all across the globe, not just in New York!

With over seven billion people roaming this earth, it should come as no surprise that you're bound to run into someone with a story. Personalities walk the earth, from Belfast and Berlin to Tehran and India. Through Facebook, many pages dedicated to regions of the world have emerged in an effort to provide a candid perspective of these real people.

While it's interesting to hear quick quips and funny little stories, the portraits also provide insight into the lives of people from all walks of life. By actively adding these portraits to their respective pages, Facebook users are sharing stories of people from various upbringings, cultures, and religions that they encounter and manage to have a quick conversation with. It's an added layer of connectedness through a social networking medium.

Take a look at some of the people we've discovered through several of the most popular "Humans of" projects out there, but be sure to check out more interesting individuals on their respective Facebook pages.

"Good Morning! Can I take a photo of you?"
"Sure! Just don't show it to your grandma. She might fall in love with me."

"They all think I come from [faking a British accent] THE UNITED KINGDOM, because I look like an English man. Oh, and also, because I sing! [starts singing God Save the Queen]"

"I used to be a photographer for a magazine in the GDR. On a trip around Yakutia in Russia the chief pilot of the Yakutia helicopter fleet took our group for a ride. He was a show-off and did all sorts of tricks with the helicopter: Up he went and down again, round and round. Suddenly he made the helicopter fall down and, well, he didn't see the high-voltage cable underneath. So we crashed. Nobody got hurt, but one guy wet his pants - and it wasn't me!"

Meet Haya. I saw her coming out from the hair dresser with a crown over her head and asked if there is any special occasion for this hairdo. She answered: "For me, every day that the sun is shining is a special occasion."

"So are you Facebook users?"
"Facebook is how we reconnected after 30 long years..."
"She is such a wonderful person, incredibly understanding and loyal"
"He is gentle and caring with the most incredible mind....."

"Ive been thinking a lot about distances these days."
"What about them?"
"Well, my brother lives abroad in one place, my sister lives somewhere else -
my parents are soon migrating and my grand parents are also moving away to another country. Eventually, I'll get married and be God knows where. I guess these days I'm just thinking about how all of us were once just a street apart or not even and how for various reasons; life, pursuit of success etc. we are separated. You grow up and you grow apart and I'm just trying to wrap my head around that these days."

“Have a quote?”
“Carpe diem.”
“Why that one?”
“I don’t know. I can’t tell you. I’m not allowed to. It’s forbidden.”

"At the age of 10 I was fluent in Irish and a published author, then when I was 18 I went to prison."
"Why? What you do?"
"..Cause I'm a bollox, and was never caught. Everyone in this world is perfect... even i'm perfect... and i'm an awful bollox for saying that."

"My name’s Wee Tommy, nice to meet you. I’ve been working this job for 12 years and I’ve met more people over the years than I can remember. I knew one kid from when he was in primary school and now he’s a fully-qualified doctor. Asked him if he could do anything to cure my hair loss, sadly not! "

"We've been together for over 30 years."
"No it's been almost 40!"
"No it's been 30!!...."

"I am from Qinghai province and I am waiting for the sun to come out from behind those clouds ... that will keep me smiling also the whole next day !"

"Once my teacher asked me what my favorite color is, and I said 'Water,' because water can turn into all the colors like how a blue sky makes it blue and grey clouds make it grey. She said water isn't a color. I still think it is."

English artist Simon Beck never ceases to amaze us with his large-scale murals of geometric patterns in snow. Each visually breathtaking piece, which Beck manually creates by walking through the snow and leaving behind his track prints, adds a surreal element to its natural landscape. Walking countless miles on end, the dedicated artist manages to produce startlingly symmetrical and elaborate designs on the soft, white bed of snow that covers acres upon acres of land.

Beck's ability to not only trek through the slippery surface and icy temperatures but to also keep track of his steps is absolutely remarkable. The beautifully plotted details of the artist's work complement the untouched expanse of snow and ice capped mountains that surround them each year. With the next winter season just around the corner, we're excited to see Beck's next series of artistic snow exhibitions. In the meantime, check out some of his work from earlier this year, just before the snow melted away.

Simon Beck on Facebook
via [It's Complicated]

Readers outside the USA! You know the new Bad Machinery book, The Case Of The Team Spirit, is on Amazon, right? You can get it on amazon.co.uk HERE - or check your local version.

This huge wooden sculpture is an impressive display of the famous Chinese wood carver Zheng Chunhui's incredible hand-carving skills. Standing more than 40 feet long, almost 8 feet wide, and, at one point, 10 feet tall, the massive work of art was formed out of just one single log and was recently declared the world's longest wood sculpture by the Guinness Book of World Records.

It took artist Zheng Chunhui four years to complete the piece, which is based off of the 900 year old Chinese painting Along the River During the Qingming Festival. The scenes feature beautifully intricate details of both the rich and poor's life in a small town. When replicating such a famous painting, many artists tend to add a touch of modern day into the very ancient scenes. However, Chunhui stuck strictly to the culture from almost a millennium ago, focusing on the small houses, boats, and even 550 tiny human sculptures as they went about their daily lives.

Zheng Chunhui on English China News Service
via [Colossal], [Mail Online]

French artist Edouard Martinet has an incredible talent for seeing bits and pieces of junk as more than just piles of trash. With great detail and precision, the artist assembles everything from bike chains and clock springs to old spoons and cake tins to form a variety of amazing bug sculptures.

Martinet's sculpting process is unique. Rather than soldering or welding the parts together, he meticulously screws the parts together by hand. It can take him anywhere from one month to many years to complete his little creatures, some of which stand more than 2 feet long. He accompanies each playful little insect with an extensive parts list so that viewers can identify the variety of objects that come together in perfect combinations.

According to one review, Martinet's work involves "A graceful wit, a re-imagining of the obvious in which a beautifully finished object glows not with perfection, but with character, with new life."

What an awe-inspiring sight! A few days ago, on Friday, November 29, The Grand Canyon was taken over by a rare weather phenomenon that filled the entire canyon with a thick layer of fog. The occurrence, called a temperature inversion, caused everyone, including rangers, to flock to the rim to take photos of it. As the Grand Canyon National Park Facebook page stated, "Rangers wait for years to see it. Word spread like wildfire and most ran to the rim to photograph it. What a fantastic treat for all!"

If you stayed just a few more days, you could see it again as it happened twice in three days! Visitors to the canyon both on Friday and Sunday were able to witness the stunning, once-in-a-decade event.

An inversion happens when cold air is trapped near the surface of the earth by warmer air above. Humidity in the cooler air creates the fog. While most only fill up parts of the canyon, it's rare to see the entire canyon enveloped in a sea of clouds. Here are some of the best photos taken by park rangers and visitors who were in the right place at the right time.

First photo: NPS Photo by Erin Whittaker

via Grand Canyon National Park Facebook

Photo: Debra Henley

Photo: Dan Ng, Albright Training Center, NPS

via Grand Canyon National Park Facebook

via Grand Canyon National Park Facebook

Photo: nameless_cat

Photo: lizzy_tobin

Photo: Mateis Maehler

Photo: pachamamitas

Photo: Stephanie Cook

Photo: Nicole Buchler

via [BusinessInsider, DailyMail]

Inside the old Salina Turda Salt Mines located in Transylvania, Romania, stands the world's largest salt mine museum. Originally established in the 17th century, the massive mines were formed completely by hand and machine rather than by using explosives. Visitors are invited to descend as far down as almost 400 feet into the Earth in order to witness the history of the trade.

Throughout the cool interior, which averages about 50-55˚F with 80% humidity, there are a variety of mines, rooms, and spaces to be explored. At almost 140 feet down, Rudolph Mine offers a 180-seat amphitheater, a carousel, ping-pong tables, basketball hoops, mini-golf, and bowling. Old machinery still stands within the underground expanse and some of it is used to lead people on tours.

Theresa Mine, at 370 feet deep, provides access to a small lake where boats can be rented and a rotating wheel allows visitors to see the stalagmites throughout the cave. Finally, the Gisela Mine (the stationary room) functions as an area for health treatments that draws upon and takes advantage of the mine's optimal climate.

Turda Salt Mines website
via [Designboom], [Atlas Obscura]

As far as pet photography goes, it doesn't get much cuter than this. Flint is a happy-go-lucky Pomeranian that's just as sweet and good-natured as he first appears. As his owner Robin Yu tells us, "I don't think I've ever seen him grumpy. You can wake him up from sleeping and he's still his pleasant self. He's also quite the law abiding citizen. He follows rules and even makes up some self-imposed ones because he just wants to be a good boy."

Flint went to live with Robin in Portland, Oregon when he was just 9-months-old, and ever since that day, Robin has been taking photos of him. He's now six-years-old. "I was actually looking for an older dog, but when I met Flint, we just really connected," she says. "He brings all sorts of joy to my life. He does things with all his doggie seriousness, and I just find it so cute and funny. He's definitely a bright spot in my life and I'm so lucky to have him."

Look through these photos and you'll notice just how talented Robin has become in capturing the many different sides of this personality-filled Pomeranian. Like Jessica Trinh's photos of her Golden Retriever Chuppy, there's a feeling of joyfulness you get from just looking at these photos. Who couldn't use a little Flint in their lives?

In the summer of 2014, look out for an upcoming calendar and book featuring the furry dog! The title will be called "Adventures with Flint the Fabulous Pomeranian" and they will be published by Willow Creek Press.

Flint the Pomeranian website, Facebook and Flickr

I guess I should’ve made everyone click through and pay something before divulging the secret huh? Oh well. Cat’s out of the bag.

Getting inside an American National Park Kiosk may seem to put you to a relaxing feel away from the hustles and bustles of the city. It can be because of the calming view of trees and blue waters. Or it may be because of the brightly colored flora and fauna. Brace yourself and discover the top 10 US National Parks calling for your attention.

Yosemite National Park

The majestic Yosemite Valley houses massive granite formations crowning the stunning Merced River are what will greet you first in Yosemite National Park. Adding to its beauty is the spectacular waterfall finding its root from the cliff tops forming creeks lovingly made by nature’s hands.

Glacier National Park

At its peak leveling up to 6 646 feet, get a taste of the top of the world feel while you are driving your way to explore the going-to-the-sun road for the drive you will never forget. Surely you will feel closer to the sun as the view would tell that you are at the top of the world’s roof.

Grand Canyon National Park

The Lipan point at this world known park is probably the best spot to watch the sunset. Be inspired as the setting rays come touching your very skin atop this majestic mountain top. If you would prefer to watch it in style, you can do so by lounging in the patio of the famous El Tovar Lodge in the same park.

Grand Teton National Park

If the trip to the wildlife is what fancies you, take a walk over this wildlife watching destination. Feel the rush akin to leaving yourself in the wild as vicious mammals go freely roaming around the place. Wolves and grizzlies add up to the rush while taking the adventure of your lifetime. Plus, get to see the dramatic scenery of the blue waters of Snake River while enjoying the sight of the mountains too.

Rocky Mountain National Park

Mind boggling views are brought right before your eyes when you have been set at the top of the highest mountain peak of the park at 14 259 feet. Get to see the different faces of the wild and the elegant glow of nature’s beautiful scenes.

Zion National Park

Take adventure to the next level while you go on a stroll in this national park. Get to see the world on a different view as this park lets you see a new environment that you may connect to out of the world sites.

Acadia National Park

Get to enjoy the sunset in this park by making your way at its highest point situated in the Cadillac Mountain that is said to be the highest peak too in Maine’s Mt. Desert Island.

Bryce Canyon National Park

Take a glimpse over the ancient world as you finally get to look down at the rock spires situated within the park. This is also a great place to spend time watching the sunset with.

Olympic National Park

Hoh rainforest covered by this park is said to be the wettest land in North America. As it comes to have this characteristic, expect the place shrouded with lichens, mosses and ferns that create just a majestic setting with only a small amount of sunlight peeping in.

Everglades National Park

Ranked 3^rd of the largest national parks, this is a vague place accommodating the wildlife. With activities such as kayaking and canoeing, get closer to the wild by taking your sight over crocodiles and alligators freely moving around the park. But before you go for an adventure make sure to pack up your tools and guts as well.

You remember this animal?




Hey there, cat lovers.

You may recall that in 2007 we adopted a kitten who quickly ballooned into an impressive cat-shaped balloon. At her pinnacle, she weighed 20 pounds. That’s more than our dog weighs. In addition to being huge, she was gross. Her fur was oily and dandruff-speckled, she couldn’t clean her butt, and when she laid on her back, which is her favorite position, her breathing was labored and wheezy. It was sad.

We put her on a diet. Many months later, she weighed exactly the same amount. Her butt was still a crime scene; her fur, un-pettable. Eventually we figured out that she was sneak-eating the dog’s food. Charlie isn’t enthusiastic about his food, but Izzy is very much a fan. (Charlie, conversely, would scrabble up the cat’s food in his chops the second we turned our back, if we put it anywhere within his reach. And then he’d hork it right back out. Up? Up and out.)

So: we continued with the diet, and we remembered to place the dog’s bowl out of reach whenever he wasn’t using it and/or we weren't around. And now, two years later…

 Where's my goddamn medal.

 
Izzy now weighs 14 pounds. Fourteen. She lost six pounds, also known as a small cat. Are you impressed with her? Be impressed!

Yawn.

For not only is she no longer a bowling ball—she can play! She runs and jumps after laser pointers and whatever you care to dangle within her reach. Her fur is not even mildly disgusting. You can pet her all the way down to the tail and you never want to shudder. She can clean herself. All the parts of herself. And she does, all the time. She's a big show-off about it, if you want to know the truth.

She’s not exactly what you might call petite, but she’s at a healthy weight, so we’re happy. Of course she still demands food constantly, and plots our deaths day and night so she may one day eat our flesh. But until the moment she exacts her revenge, we will pet her silky fur and feel satisfied that we did right by our insane, possibly homicidal cat.

I’m not going to eat you. I just want to gnaw on you for a bit.

If this blog and I were long-term sexual partners, right now we would be having timing issues. I get all revved up to Do It when It is impossible to Do (middle of the workday, barely conscious after anesthesia) (more on this later), and don’t feel at all like taking action during the times when we (the blog and I) (oh dear this analogy becomes increasingly ill-advised) have time and opportunity. I suppose I do not need to explain myself as I do not blog professionally, but that is what’s been happening.

I also was gone for a bit, on a short jaunt to beachside Michigan: there was a family reunion that turned out pretty well, plus several days when Nora spent more time in pools and lakes than actually on land (MORE FISH THAN GIRL!), ripping the goggles off her head just long enough for a sandwich and swig of lemonade, and the whole thing was so classic little-kid-summer I could hardly stand it. Right down to the visible tan lines and the insistence that she is not tired! And will never ever ever be able to sleep in this weird hotel room! Cue snoring as soon as chlorine-soaked head lands on pillow.

We left on a Friday afternoon, came back on Sunday, and figured the cats should be fine with some extra food. All the extra food was gone when we got home, and the cats must have disagreed about being fine. The bag of treats, formerly on a fairly high shelf in the basement, was found upstairs in the living room with several puncture holes and claw marks. Such drama! So little faith in us!

Speaking of food, on vacation I ate a palm-size piece of plain grilled chicken, and a week later I ate another small piece of chicken, and this is in addition to the “exception to the mostly-vegetarian rule” chicken that I eat every Chinese New Year at our favorite restaurant. Do I just…eat chicken now? Do I revise my “nothing with lungs” stance to a “no mammals” stance? Or is chicken a gateway meat, and I soon will be ripping the flesh of every cooked animal in sight?

A few days after vacation, I was no longer eating chicken, as it can not feasibly be made into a “clear liquid.” Hey does that sound familiar? OH YES! THAT MANNER OF FUCKERY SOUNDS ALL TOO FAMILIAR! I had to do another “prep” for the double-balloon enteroscopy, with the usual “no real food for a hell of a long time” protocol, and the attendant bad mood, which was not helped by LT thinking he is some kind of comedy genius:

LT [making lewd hip motions]: I’ll give you a clear liquid, baby.

Me: Sorry, not on the list of things I can swallow today.

LT: Call the doctor and ask!

Me: It’s not really “clear,” anyway.

LT: I’ll work on it! I’ll stay really hydrated today!

Me: Go away.

One bright spot: since I have been down this particular leads-right-to-the-bathroom road before, I have opinions on prep protocols. This one was entirely homegrown and over-the-counter: drugstore laxative pills, and then two bottles of Gatorade mixed with an entire bottle of powder laxative. It worked efficiently (hoo boy, yes), it tasted like nothing but Gatorade (as opposed to that flavored Saltwater From Hell that you get from the pharmacist), and my only worry during the whole ordeal was that the electrician working on my kitchen renovation might get hot and thirsty and decide to help himself to the doctored Gatorade in the refrigerator. Fellow bowel martyrs, this prep is the best of a bunch of bad options. Ask for it by name! (Except I don’t really think it has a name.)

(I love the phrase “ask for it by name” and I want to shake the hand of the copywriter who came up with it. When advertising gets taxonomical. Somebody’s read their Kripke!)

The procedure itself was fine, a trek down to U of C, needles and questions and pokes, and then a long disorienting nap. I had a very annoying anesthesiologist, awkward and jokey and condescending. I kept expecting to see a puppet on his hand and I could barely look at him or answer his questions with more than one word at a time because his utter dorkiness was so cringe-inducing. Maybe he originally was interested in a different medical specialty but his personality was such that some advisor said, “No, you had better mostly deal with asleep people.”  I had an oddly stuffy nose when I woke up (did they pack my nostrils full of ragweed while I was out?), and of course was gurgly and farty and awful for the rest of the day, although I was mostly napping and reading Paleofantasy (recommended for evolution nerds!) so who cares.

Good news: probably not Crohn’s! Seems that the damage (which is extensive, and troubling) is too localized for that. Good and bad news: while they could not completely use the scope due to the extent of my stenosis (a nice, unbastardized Greek word), the results were very much an obvious “well, there’s your problem” as to why I get these obstructions. Why I have the narrowing in the first place is a bit of a mystery, but one theory is damage from ibuprofen and other NSAID use. I would never have called myself a particularly heavy user! The occasional lady-cramp, the occasional hangover headache! But perhaps my guts are very sensitive. (It is sort of darkly fun to say that I have damaged my body with drugs and have it be 100% true. ROCK AND ROLL.)

The medical-industrial complex is recommending that the Bad Motherfucker Section of my intestine be snipped out, so I am working on following up with that right now. This news has made my adorable gastroenterologist somewhat less interested in me (*throws up his adorable hands* “Surgery? I’m out!”) but he did give me the names of some surgeons, so I will deal with all the insurance crud and see where we get with that. DO NOT FEAR, INTERNET, FOR THIS IS ME:

This is over my limit word-wise, but I have a whole page of notes for you! I shall start on another blah blah blah forthwith. I missed this.

—mimi smartypants, ulcerated but still plenty nice.

How to Remove the Sticker from a New Book

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Seriously, I hate those things. You have this beautiful object, like a book or a CD (haha, okay, no one buys CDs), and some poor artist has put painstaking care into the over design. What does the retailer do? Slap a sheet of shitty glue on it.

Why, WHY, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?

Maybe this is why bookstores are going out of business?

Image: Frantisek Kupka, "Head of Slut"

Every couple of weeks or so, I get an email from a woman who has just that day discovered Bookslut.com, and she wants to try to convince me to change the name of the site. I got that email last night, after a bunch of horseradish vodka, and so I maybe sent a slightly rude response back. ("Go away, no one cares," I believe it read.) So she went a step further. I am contributing to rape culture. When women are raped, it is partially my fault.

I am used to this kind of thing by now. There was this whole article written a few years back about how because I was running a site named Bookslut and interviewing male authors, I was a tool of the patriarchy. That's fine. These types of things don't really bother me. Mostly because I feel like if you are the type of person to write emails using words like "tool of the patriarchy" and "rape culture," your goal is not to open a dialogue, it's to shame me into correcting my behavior. It's not likely to happen, unfortunately.

I should state up front that I hate the phrase "rape culture." It's not because I don't think we have a culture where rape is normalized, where women are in danger, with television programs with pretty violated dead girls lovingly filmed for our viewing pleasure, whatever. I'm not stupid, I know how this works. But I also think that throwing around the word "rape culture" is a silencing tactic, that shuts down dialogue, that creates an atmosphere of animosity. I think it is stories, not slogans, that change things, that bring people around. And hearing out a person's viewpoint, rather than scolding or telling them they are wrong, is the only way to find middle ground.

One day when I was living in Chicago, I was walking to the market to get some milk. I took a new route, because of some construction. Suddenly, a woman comes up to me to show me a picture of an aborted fetus. I unleashed a serious amount of fury. Then another man approached, telling me I would live with this regret for the rest of my life... and I realized I was walking towards an abortion clinic, and they thought I was about to go abort my unborn child. I became even more unhinged, until the woman just fled and the male protestor actually backed away slowly, his hands raised like I was some sort of feral creature about to leap at his face. It was pretty funny. I felt really good after that. It did absolutely no good, it brought nothing helpful into the world, but I felt invincible.

It must have been about three months after that when I went on a third date with an attorney, and I realized that he was pro-life. I can't remember how it came about, probably I had mentioned that I used to work at Planned Parenthood. We were fond of each other, although I think we both had realized at this point there was no potential. (I had slept over one night -- he took the guest bedroom -- when the ceiling in my apartment collapsed. I woke up to find a picture of the Pope on his nightstand. The nice, communism-fighting one, not the Nazi Youth one, but still. He had mentioned he was Catholic, but come on.)

So there we were, having a nice dinner and a bottle of wine, and suddenly, intractability. I remember asking his reasoning, and his reasons were religious. And also he just kind of believed in fate, that children, even in difficult circumstances, were gifts from above. He had like seven siblings, he probably believed that. I remember that I had taken off my heels under the table and my feet were on top of his feet, and his hand was on my arm, and I went ahead and told him that I had had an abortion when I was 21. And I went through it, very honestly, had said it was a messed up situation I should not have been in. I didn't try to make excuses, it was a bad time in my life. And it's possible that it could have worked out, that I would have been able to work things out. It would have been difficult, but maybe I could have kept the pregnancy and still had this kind of ridiculous life that I like so much. But I chose not to, because I was unemployed and broke and the guy was not a good guy and it felt wrong. I remember he sat there, recalculating. It didn't really fit in with what he thought about women who had had abortions. And he did not at that moment become pro-choice, but it dented this blockade about the issue he had formed. And certainly he upended my view that pro-life men were a bunch of controlling women-haters. He was one of the kindest people I had ever met. After that conversation he walked me home, we kissed, and we continued dating for a while. That night is really strong in my memory.

So yeah. It annoys me when someone sends an email telling me that my language needs policing. It annoys me when someone writes to say, "I just today discovered your site and you are doing it wrong and hurting women in the process." You are acting as a tyrant, not as a human being when you do that. I have that impulse, too, god knows. But if you're getting hung up on words, these forbidden words that you yourself are changing into weapons, like slut or bitch or hysterical or whatever else I've been called out for using, you're missing the story. And you're missing the human being using the words. And I don't answer email sent by tyrants.

Recently the Boston Restaurant Authority has indicated a desire to reduce their minimum soda requirements in new restaurants.

These requirements have been in place since the founding of the BRA in the 1950s, in order to assure that every patron has access to at least one free soda with every meal. In some cases, the BRA had been requiring two sodas per customer.

This measure had been intended to reduce demand for the depleting supplies of on-street soda machines.

Over the years, minimum soda requirements have been blamed for causing over-consumption of sugary drinks. The obesity epidemic, some say, is directly related to the excessive number of soda drinks being forced upon restaurant patrons, whether they order it or not.

"We don't need to push a soda with every meal," Peter Mead, head of the Boston Restaurant Authority, said in a recent interview. He cited US census data showing that one in three Boston residents is between 20 and 35, and most drink water, juice, or beer primarily.

Critics of the new policy claim that elimination of minimum soda requirements will cause a terrible soda shortage, as restaurants may choose to devote resources to other products, such as food. They say this will put a strain on already-short supplies in on-street soda machines.

A local woman complained, "If the BRA gets their way then families will leave Boston and move to the suburbs where they can get soda for free."

Another explained, "While I appreciate the idea of promoting public health, the city's public water transporter, MWRA, is not good enough to replace soda for everyday needs."

The Book

This fall, a classic of science fiction will be coming to the big screen: Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card, which was first published in 1985. This is what it’s about:

Ender’s Game (1985) is a military science fiction novel by American author Orson Scott Card. Set in Earth’s future, the novel presents an imperilled mankind that has barely survived two conflicts with the “Buggers”, an insectoid alien species. In preparation for an anticipated third invasion, an international fleet maintains a school to find and train future fleet commanders. The world’s most talented children, including the novel’s protagonist, Ender Wiggin, are taken at a very young age to a training center known as the Battle School. There, teachers train them in the arts of war through increasingly difficult games including ones undertaken in zero gravity in the Battle Room, where Ender’s tactical genius is revealed. (Wikipedia)

I read Ender’s Game when I was a teen, and I liked it enough to read the sequel, Speaker for the Dead. I don’t remember much about them now except that they were really good page-turners. But I remembered the author, and when I began to think seriously about writing professionally, I looked him up. This was back in the 1990s, I think, at the dawn of the Internet, and Orson Scott Card had a great website with lots of information for writers. It was really useful. I liked it.

Much more recently — in the 2000s — I learned that Orson Scott Card is anti-gay marriage. He is really anti-gay marriage; enough to be on the board of the National Organization for Marriage, which is an extremely homophobic organization that spreads hate about LGBT people.¹ When I learned about Card’s anti-gay beliefs and actions, I was disappointed. It’s always disappointing to find out that authors you’ve admired turn out to hold hateful beliefs, but it’s even worse when those beliefs target people like yourself.

Over the past few years, I’ve basically decided to not read Card’s books anymore. Admittedly this wasn’t a big deal because I haven’t read him since I was a teen. But then I learned that a movie of Ender’s Game was coming out, and that’s something I bet I’d like to see. But.

The Movie

Recently, the group Geeks OUT launched a campaign called Skip Ender’s Game, with this goal:

By pledging to Skip Ender’s Game, we can send a clear and serious message to Card and those that do business with his brand of anti-gay activism — whatever he’s selling, we’re not buying. The queer geek community will not subsidize his fear-mongering and religious bullying. We will not pay him to demean, insult, and oppress us.

Card responded to Skip Ender’s Game with an interview in Entertainment Weekly, stating:

“With the recent Supreme Court ruling, the gay marriage issue becomes moot. … Now it will be interesting to see whether the victorious proponents of gay marriage will show tolerance toward those who disagreed with them when the issue was still in dispute.”

That was such a tone-deaf reply I’m still shaking my head over it. Geeks OUT had this response (spoiler: they’re still skipping Ender’s Game).

The choice of whether to see Ender’s Game (or any movie) is a personal one, and I think there are valid reasons to see it. I don’t believe an author should be 100% tied to his work, and I do think it’s possible to enjoy creative works that come from the minds of people who held beliefs I don’t agree with. But for me, my gut says: No, no, no. So I’m not going to watch it, even though I think I might enjoy it. I don’t know if it’s going to make a difference, but I can’t give my money to people who believe that I don’t deserve equal rights.

For anyone who is considering whether or not they want to see Ender’s Game, I suggest you read Alyssa Rosenberg’s “An Ethical Guide To Consuming Content Created By Awful People Like Orson Scott Card” (ThinkProgress), which provides some really useful ways to think about this.

And if you’re curious about the book, which, you know, is a sci-fi classic, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with checking it out from your local library. I think books are usually better than their movie versions anyway.

Meanwhile, I’m getting legally married in my home state. Thank you, SCOTUS!

1. See this Southern Poverty Law Center analysis of NOM.

I BE FIXING UP MY DWELLING-PLACE

You know what’s not so great for someone with ordering-focused OCD and general anxiety issues? Home renovation. Where the fuck is everything?

When you get all the things out of your room-to-be-renovated, it’s not like you pack it up all nice and organized like for a move. Well, at least we don’t. All of our kitchen items ended up piled in waist-high boxes in the guest room, with narrow goat tracks between them. Like an episode of Hoarders (but with lots less cat shit and dead animals). The microwave is in the basement for us to heat up our pitiful breakfasts and lunches. There is a stack of plastic picnic plates outside next to the grill for dinners. The Grubhub app is getting quite a workout. I heat up tea water in the bathroom (yay electric kettle) like a hobo. (Is that actually a hobo thing? Probably not.)

Also, the contractors put a bunch of plastic sheets everywhere, like Dexter is about to do something awful in my not-kitchen, and every time I get something out of the fridge I need to use two hands to lift the plastic sheet like a veil from an old-fashioned bride. Why do I have to marry my fridge just to get a string cheese. Why.

So much complaining! So many first-world problems! I am lame. Progress is being made, however. There is a floor. And a sink (although nowhere to put it or use it). We also bought a stove (not delivered yet), and I learned that I am a snob. Details below!

Our refrigerator and dishwasher are made by Samsung, and in the interest of matchy-matchy we assumed we’d get a Samsung stove, too. However, it turns out that every one of the stainless-steel Samsung stoves has a button on the electronic keypad that says CHICKEN NUGGETS. I assume it is one of those stupid pre-set cooking-time things, like the BEVERAGE button on my microwave.

The more I looked at that CHICKEN NUGGETS button, the more I didn’t think I could deal with looking at it every day. Why is the stove saying CHICKEN NUGGETS to me and everyone else in my kitchen? I don’t think I have ever even cooked CHICKEN NUGGETS, those are strictly a restaurant-kids’-menu desperation move, when I’ve already given up on nutrition for the day. Not necessarily dissing CHICKEN NUGGETS, it’s just not my at-home cooking thing. And even if it were my cooking thing, why put CHICKEN NUGGETS on the stove for all to see? Can the CHICKEN NUGGETS folks not read the damn box and set the oven on a temperature? Is this for hard-core alcoholic parents who regularly pass out in a puddle of gin and expect the kids to heat up their own food?

The matchy-matchy appliance dream was hard for LT to let go, but we ended up with the LG stove. Good reviews, still stainless, similar handle, still Korean, and no damn CHICKEN NUGGETS button. Come on, Samsung. Let’s not assume chicken nuggets, please.

THE WORLD CRASHES IN, INTO MY LIVING ROOM

I have been recording and watching The Killing. It is one of those shows that has about 99 problems but a lack of atmosphere ain’t one, and if I can shut up my logical brain for a while I really enjoy all the frowning and rain and aerial shots of pine trees. At least until the Peter Sarsgaard parts because am I really supposed to believe a death row inmate is in an old-style open cell like the drunk tank in a comic strip? With other inmates right across the way available for chatting? And the ability to say, “I want so -and-so to visit me” and it happens that same day? Did anybody do any prison research at all?

During Nora’s designated television time she continues to ask for the boring-as-fuck How It’s Made. I don’t care how it’s made, but Nora does. I cannot understand watching this show on purpose unless you are coming down from rave drugs or are keeping your kid company, but Nora has been steadily working her way through the Netflix’d How It’s Made. I almost had to leave the room during the fish-farming segment, though. A Canadian fish farmer grabbed a female fish (how can he tell?) (don’t ask) with his bare hand and squeezed all the eggs out of her and into a bucket. Then he grabbed a male fish and squeezed a whole bunch (seriously, quite a lot) of fish sperm into the same bucket. Next, STILL NOT WEARING GLOVES OF ANY SORT, he put his hand in the bucket and swirled things around to make fish babies. Then he did a lot of other things with his spermy fish hands help help ahhhhh BRB I’m going to take a bath in hand sanitizer.

—mimi smartypants knows full well it’s called milt.