Shared posts

06 Nov 18:10

WATCH: ‘I don’t think it was good for Republicans,’ Trump says after Democrats score election wins

by Lisa Mascaro, Associated Press
Trump, whose first term at the White House set the previous government shutdown record, said this one was a “big factor, negative” in the GOP's election losses Tuesday and he repeated his demands for Republicans to end the Senate filibuster as a way to reopen government.
06 Nov 15:49

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Attention span

by Zach Weinersmith


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Today's News:
06 Nov 15:46

ALT

A comic of two foxes, one of whom is blue, the other is green. In this one, Blue is laying on the floor, suffering, as Green peers at him cautiously.
Green: How's your headache? Can I help in any way?
Blue: Not really. I just have to suffer through it.

Having produced an antique-style velvet-cushioned fainting couch, apparently out of nowhere, Green places Blue upon it. Blue rests on his back, still exactly just as miserable as before.
Green: Would you feel better suffering on a nice fainting couch?
Blue: It's not worse.

Closing his eyes, Green cuddles up to Blue, loosely wrapping around him.
Green: What if I lay down too, draped dramatically over you, lamenting your grievous fate?
Blue: You don't have to do all that.
Green: But I want to.ALT
06 Nov 03:54

20.5 - How could this happen

This week on Lost Terminal: Nia upgrades Seth, Maddie comforts Quent, and Seth proposes a solution.
Lost Terminal will return next week!

📓 Free transcript: https://www.patreon.com/posts/142254267
🎵 Today's SIGNAL is: https://namtao.bandcamp.com/track/oscar
🦣 Mastodon https://namtao.com/@lostterminal
📝 Tumblr https://lostterminalpod.tumblr.com
🎙️ Recorded using a RODE NT-1 v5 USB in 32-bit float, edited with REAPER on Linux

🙏 CREDITS
  • Credits narrated by Lucy Stringer
    ❤️ Thank you so much to everyone who supports me, but especially my Patreon Producers:
  • Ada Phillips
  • Kit
  • Mike McCaffrey
  • Jade Felicity Bilkey
  • Stephen McCandless
  • Mike Schneider
  • Catoxis
05 Nov 21:51

The cycles your dishwasher has might be wildly different - you should try 'em out

by Technology Connextras
05 Nov 19:53

I was right about dishwasher pods, and now I can prove it

by Technology Connections

Some "innovations" really are gimmicks after all.
https://good.store/products/dishwasher-powder

2nd channel video:
https://youtu.be/WnBb3DLlVPw

Other stuff:
Technology Connections on Bluesky:
https://bsky.app/profile/techconnectify.bsky.social

Technology Connections on Mastodon:
https://mas.to/@TechConnectify

Have you ever noticed that I've never done that whole influencer thing? Well, except maybe this one time? If you think socks for charity counts. Anyway, that's all thanks to people like you! Viewer support through Patreon keeps this channel independent and possible. If you'd like to join the amazing folks who fund my work, check out the link below. Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/technologyconnections

00:00 intro
01:40 Why I insist on powders
08:00 The story of how this got made
09:39 ASTM testing and results
16:12 The importance of purging cold water from the line
21:46 A demonstration
29:18 A surprise about the dishwasher
35:36 The demo again, but with PRE-WASH DETERGENT
39:27 Recap and outro
05 Nov 19:53

#Ryo #RoninWarriors

05 Nov 19:52

The Microsoft SoftCard for the Apple II: Getting two processors to share the same memory

by Raymond Chen

The Microsoft Z-80 SoftCard was a plug-in expansion card for the Apple II that added the ability to run CP/M software. According to Wikipedia, it was Microsoft’s first hardware product and in 1980 was the single largest revenue source for the company.

CP/M runs on an 8080 processor, but the Apple II has a 6502 processor. So how can you run CP/M on an Apple II? Answer: The card comes with its own 8080-compatible processor, the Zilog Z80, which was arguable better than the 8080 for a bunch of reasons given on its Wikipedia page

Great, you now have a processor. But what happens to the old 6502 processor? Ideally, you would just shut it off, but you can’t go cold turkey because some things still had to be handled by the 6502.² Nicole Branagan digs deeper into the story of how the two processors coexist. The idea is that the SoftCard tells the 6502 that it’s doing DMA, so the 6502 pauses and waits for the DMA to complete. However, you can’t leave the 6502 paused for too long or its internal registers degrade and lose their values.

The solution is to take advantage of the Z80’s REFRESH line, which the processor uses to signal that it’s not accessing memory right now (because it’s decoding an instruction). This tells external memory refresh circuitry that it can run and keep the RAM values refreshed so that they don’t degrade and lose their values.

On the Apple II, memory refreshing is done by the video circuitry, so there is need for a dedicated REFRESH signal. The SoftCard uses this signal to allow the 6502 to execute a tiny little bit. (Presumably it is sitting in a spin loop waiting to be woken.) This keeps the 6502’s registers refreshed.

When the SoftCard needs the 6502 to do actual work, it can update some memory to tell the 6502, “Break out of your spin loop and do something for me, then let me know the answer and go back to the spin loop.” The Z80 then goes to sleep until it gets an answer from the 6502.

Another wrinkle in the way that the 6502 and Z80 shared memory is in the memory map. Both the Z80 and 6502 consider the first 256 bytes of memory to be special and want to use it for different things. Furthermore, CP/M programs expect to be loaded at $0100, but the 6502 hard-codes its CPU stack to live in the range $0100–$01FF. There are other obstacles in the low part of the Apple II memory map: The Apple II system monitor uses $0200–$02FF as its keyboard input buffer, the bytes in the range $03F0–$03FF are used to hold interrupt vectors, and the text video frame buffer goes from $0400–$07FF. (There is a second text video frame buffer from $0800–$0BFF, but almost nobody uses it.) Other big obstacles are the memory range from $C000–$CFFF, which is used by peripheral devices, and the memory range from $D000–$FFFF, which holds the Apple II monitor ROM, but can be replaced by RAM if you have the Language Card (a 16KB memory expansion card), except that the last few bytes $FFFA–$FFFF are used by the CPU as interrupt vectors.

The solution is to remap the memory by putting address translation circuitry on the SoftCard, so that when the Z80 asks for memory address $0000, say, it actually gets physical memory $1000. The remapping is carefully arranged so that all of the Apple II’s special reserved addresses get shuffled to the end of the Z80 memory map, and all of the Apple II’s normal RAM occupies contiguous address space in the Z80 memory map starting at $0000.³

  6502   Physical   Z80
Special use $0000–$0FFF ↘ $1000–$1FFF   $0000–$0FFF normal RAM
(contiguous,
up to
installed RAM)
normal RAM
(contiguous,
up to
installed RAM)
$1000–$1FFF ↗ $2000–$2FFF   $1000–$1FFF
$2000–$2FFF $3000–$3FFF   $2000–$2FFF
$3000–$3FFF $4000–$4FFF   $3000–$3FFF
$4000–$4FFF $5000–$5FFF   $4000–$4FFF
$5000–$5FFF $6000–$6FFF   $5000–$5FFF
$6000–$6FFF $7000–$7FFF   $6000–$6FFF
$7000–$7FFF $8000–$8FFF   $7000–$7FFF
$8000–$8FFF $9000–$9FFF   $8000–$8FFF
$9000–$9FFF $A000–$AFFF   $9000–$9FFF
$A000–$AFFF $B000–$BFFF   $A000–$AFFF
$B000–$BFFF $D000–$DFFF   $B000–$BFFF expansion RAM
(except for
last 6 bytes)
I/O space $C000–$CFFF ↘ $E000–$EFFF   $C000–$CFFF
expansion RAM
(except for
last 6 bytes)
$D000–$DFFF ↗ $F000–$FFFF   $D000–$DFFF
$E000–$EFFF $C000–$CFFF   $E000–$EFFF I/O space
$F000–$FFFF $0000–$0FFF   $F000–$FFFF Special use

The SoftCard manual contained lots of details on how to write code for it. For example, it included instructions on how to call into a 6502 subroutine from Z80 and had a chart showing how the memory was remapped for the Z80. It even included the Z80 processor reference manual, listing all the instructions. This will come in handy in a future story.

¹ I don’t know where the hyphen in Z-80 came from.

² In many places, I/O was handled by timing loops, so if you wanted to access, say, the game paddles, you had to let the 6502 do the I/O with its precise software timing loops.

³ There were also two high resolution graphics frame buffers, one at $2000–$3FFF, and another at $4000–$5FFF. These were right in the middle of the Z80 memory map, but in practice it wasn’t a problem because CP/M was a text-mode operating system, so the programs you were running didn’t try to do graphics anyway.

The post The Microsoft SoftCard for the Apple II: Getting two processors to share the same memory appeared first on The Old New Thing.

05 Nov 14:32

Cuomo Announces Plan To Govern New York City As Independent

by The Onion Staff
05 Nov 14:31

Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money

by The Onion Staff

This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance’s house should immediately confirm any suspicions.

Reference #66873

The post Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money appeared first on The Onion.

05 Nov 14:31

Bob Qualley

by The Onion Staff

Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.

The post Bob Qualley appeared first on The Onion.

05 Nov 14:30

President Trump pardons the Hamburglar

by Geoff Cork

McDonalds, D.C. – US President Donald Trump has added to his list of pardons another well-known criminal, McDonald’s mascot The Hamburglar. “He is a really great guy, this guy,” stated Trump while taking questions earlier this week. “I think he was badly misunderstood, he likes the burgers, we all love the burgers. Couldn’t be a […]

The post President Trump pardons the Hamburglar appeared first on The Beaverton.

05 Nov 14:29

Waco community rallies to help as SNAP users wait for funds to flow

by Raquel Villatoro

Waco-area church groups, nonprofits and concerned residents are stepping up to fill the gap amid cutbacks and delays in payments to McLennan County’s 32,000 SNAP recipients. Funding for the federal food stamp program lapsed Saturday due to a monthlong government shutdown. The Trump administration said Monday it would follow judges’ orders to use emergency funds […]

The post Waco community rallies to help as SNAP users wait for funds to flow appeared first on The Waco Bridge.

05 Nov 14:29

Big drop in Kennedy Center ticket sales

by Nathan Yau

For the Washington Post, Travis M. Andrews, Jeremy B. Merrill, and Shelly Tan with the analysis:

According to the spending data, drawn from 40 million credit and debit cards analyzed by the consumer data and analytics company Consumer Edge, less than half as much money was spent on tickets in September and the first half of October 2025 as during that same period in 2024. This is less than people spent on the center during any other year since 2018, except 2020, when the venue was locked down for most of the year.

Nice touch with the square pies as seats. That’s a lot of empties.

Tags: Kennedy Center, sales, tickets, Washington Post

05 Nov 14:28

FBI Warns of Criminals Posing as ICE, Urges Agents to ID Themselves

by Dell Cameron, Caroline Haskins
In a bulletin to law enforcement agencies, the FBI said criminal impersonators are exploiting ICE’s image and urged nationwide coordination to distinguish real operations from fakes.
04 Nov 22:48

#Kento #Rowen #RoninWarriors

04 Nov 22:48

Excuse me, are you wearing a lot of makeup? #Co...

Excuse me, are you wearing a lot of makeup? #CowboyWho

04 Nov 22:47

Bad time of the month to mess with us.

Bad time of the month to mess with us.

04 Nov 20:35

Mushroom tacos to avocado popsicles: Cookbook traces plant-based roots of Texas, Mexican cuisine

by Raul Alonzo
Chef Adán Medrano stresses the recipes are native to the region, but not ones he'd label "Tex-Mex."
04 Nov 20:32

This weekend’s front is looking stronger, maybe with a whiff of Arctic air?

by Eric Berger

In brief: In today’s post we discuss Houston’s very straightforward forecast, and look ahead to a front this weekend that will bring some (potentially) significantly colder air.

Temperatures this morning will be the coldest they get until next Tuesday. (Weather Bell)

Overall pattern is set

Houston’s forecast is pretty much set for the next week or so. In fact, I would forgive you if you left off checking Space City Weather for a day or two. Really, the only major question I have right now is just how cold temperatures will get early next week, after the arrival of a front next week. The city’s coldest temperature of the fall season, so far, was 47 degrees on Halloween morning. At this time I bet we get colder than that.

Before then we are going to see a gradual warm-up this week, from lows this morning in the vicinity of 50 degrees to lows in the mid-60s this weekend. With high pressure dominating we are going to see mostly sunny to full-on sunny days. We’ll also see gradually more humid air, although nothing oppressive like the region experiences during summer. The front likely arrives on Sunday morning, some time.

Tuesday

Today is going to be an exceptional day, with sunny skies and highs generally in the upper 70s. East winds will shift to come from the south, although remaining fairly light. This is the beginning of the onshore flow, although it will take some time for atmospheric moisture levels to rise. Accordingly humidity will still remain fairly low today. Lows tonight will be warmer, dropping to around 60 degrees in Houston.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday

Over this period our daily high temperatures will gradually rise, from about 80 on Wednesday to the mid-80s by Friday (some areas further inland may push into the upper 80s). Really not much more to say. A couple of afternoons may have some wind gusts up to 15 mph. Evenings and mornings won’t be particularly cool, but it will be mild and pleasant to be outside. I’ll be enjoying them.

Saturday and Sunday

The first half of the weekend will bring more warm weather, not unlike Friday. The models have become a little faster with the timing of the front this weekend, and it now looks as though it will come through on Saturday night or Sunday morning. I’ll remain in the “to be determined” camp until there’s some consistency. At this point I think the front will be a dry passage, so I expect a lot of sunshine on Sunday. Look for highs in the upper 70s, probably? I think conditions will be fairly windy, with northerly gusts up to 25 mph, maybe. Lows on Sunday night will probably drop to around 50 degrees in Houston, but I’m writing that in pencil.

Will colder air dive into Texas, or be shunted more to the east early next week? (Weather Bell)

Next week

At this point I’m leaning into a “short and sharp” characterization of this front. Matt and I had a little discussion this morning about whether this could be described as an “Arctic” front, as it will be bringing a nose of significantly colder air into the eastern half of the United States. I’m going with a “whiff” of Arctic air, because I do think things could get pretty chilly on Monday night. Houston proper probably holds in the 40s somewhere, but I could see upper 30s for inland areas. It depends on how much of the colder air is pushed due south into Texas, or whether it is shunted off more to the east of us. Anyway, there’s the potential for some rather chilly conditions early next week. I do think temperatures will moderate pretty quicky by Tuesday night or Wednesday, however.

04 Nov 20:18

I have to work closely with an ex-friend who “broke up” with our whole friend group

by Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

I started at my company about five years ago after being laid off from my previous company due to Covid. Once I started here, I was shocked to discover that one of my old friends (Susan) who I was very close to in college (which I had graduated from 10 years prior) worked at the same company in a different building on the company’s campus.

I reached out to her briefly on Teams just to say, “Oh wow, I had no idea you worked here. If you’re ever near my building, pop by and say hey and maybe we could grab a coffee.” She responded warmly and we had one brief conversation in my office, and that was the last time I saw her for months. We were in different departments with very little crossover, so we never had reason to interact in a work setting and we weren’t the kind of friends who were in constant communication so I didn’t think much of it.

Cut to a while later — maybe six months to a year — and I met up with the friendship group that had survived from our college years. Susan was invited but unable to attend, and during this gathering our mutual friend Carla said that Susan had decided she no longer wanted to be friends with the rest of us, only wanted to keep her friendship with Carla, and our over-a-decade-long friendship was essentially over. It wasn’t only me who got cut off by Susan, but I must admit that I took it quite personally, given that we worked at the same place. I wondered if the formal break-up through our mutual friend wasn’t specifically aimed at me because none of the rest of our friends would have had reason to run into her, given that we were all very spread out geographically. I also felt like because the news was delivered via a mutual friend, I never got the chance to get closure or understanding of why the friendship ended.

For the past four years, this has been mostly a non-issue since we only run into each other maybe twice a year at work and none of our work crosses over. But recently a department that I work incredibly closely with was hiring. I was talking to my friend in that department and she told me that they had had an exciting internal applicant, and lo and behold it was Susan. I’m 100% sure that Susan will get this job; she is intelligent and hard-working, and I know they had been struggling with finding external candidates to fill this role.

I’m feeling anxious at the prospect of working closely with her. There was a time when we were really close friends and basically living in each other’s pockets. She was the first and only person at college who I told when my mother died and she helped me share that information with our other friends. Then we weren’t and I never got the chance to understand why. I just have no clue how to gauge my behaviour. Did we stop being friends because the friendship just fizzled over time? Did I do something to annoy her? Was the trigger me showing up at her place of work unexpectedly? Did she feel like I followed her there or was pressuring the relationship? I am autistic and social stuff can be very tough for me to navigate even at the best of times but this feels like a whole minefield. I am also having a lot of anxiety that if the friendship ended because she didn’t like me specifically or I unknowingly did something that upset her, that may still be true and may affect my working relationship with the people I am friends with in that department.

I know the first port of call is to behave professionally towards Susan and treat her like any other colleague, but should I be doing anything else proactively? It’s been a few years since the news that we were no longer friends was delivered, so bringing it up would be weird, I think. I did not say anything to my friend in the other department when she suggested that Susan might be getting the job, other than endorsing her candidacy because I truly feel like she would be a good fit for this role, and despite the awkward way our friendship ended I hold no ill will against her. We’re both still friends with Carla so I was considering reaching out to her to see if she had any sense of how Susan felt about me, but then indirect communication through Carla is also what spawned a lot of this anxiety in the first place.

Pay attention to that last sentence because I actually think Carla stirred up a lot of drama where there didn’t need to be any.

If Susan wanted to end her friendship with your friend group, she could have just … done that. Carla didn’t need to make a formal announcement. Susan could have talked to people herself or just done the natural fade/falling out of touch that happens frequently post-college. I’m side-eyeing Carla a bit for thinking it was her place to announce this to the rest of you (and I can’t tell if Susan asked her to, or if she took it upon herself — it sounds like maybe the latter). “She doesn’t want to be friends with any of you, only me” also makes me wonder if her announcement was self-serving in some way. Regardless, if Carla hadn’t said anything that day, you wouldn’t be feeling any of this anxiety now — so it’s worth noting that your fears right now are coming from Carla’s actions, not Susan’s.

As for what happened, I’d bet money that it’s not about anything you did at all, because she cut off your entire friend group. It’s far more likely that it’s something like feeling very different from her college self now, or even having bad memories of that time and avoiding people associated with it, or going through something now and not having the energy to keep up with older, more distant friendships, or … well, all sorts of other things that you wouldn’t know from the outside. I don’t think you need to wrack your brain trying to figure out if you caused this. (It’s also very unlikely that Susan felt like you deliberately followed her to her company. It’s a large company, people one knows might pop up, and it sounds like your approach to her was extremely normal and low-key.)

Your instincts to just treat Susan like any other colleague are absolutely right. You don’t need to do anything else proactively (like reaching out to her ahead of time), and actually I strongly think you shouldn’t. Just be low-key about the whole thing, which has the advantage of demonstrating for her that a low-key approach is perfectly workable and no one needs to feel tense or weird about the situation. Treat her the way you would someone else you didn’t have a history with — meaning pleasantly and with good will and with no real expectations beyond working together productively — and just assume that you and Susan will build a new relationship as colleagues that will be its own thing, rather than an extension of the old friendship.

The post I have to work closely with an ex-friend who “broke up” with our whole friend group appeared first on Ask a Manager.

04 Nov 19:31

how can we help coworkers who are losing food benefits?

by Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

Hopefully this is a non-issue very soon, but I was wondering what ideas you’ve encountered or heard of that might be helpful.

I am a manager of a small to medium-sized federal office. We are in furlough but required to work. While most of my employees are okay financially at the moment, we have three or four (and probably one or two who are private) who are being hit hard, and with SNAP benefits seemingly going away this is going to be a real issue for them and their families.

We have certain ethical boundaries we can’t cross, and I don’t want to single any one out. But I can’t let my employees go hungry. Have you heard of any creative ideas that I might be able to try? We’ve already compiled a list of outside resources, but this doesn’t seem enough.

If you were a private employer, you’d have a lot more options for how you could help, from offering temporary food subsidies to bringing in lunch more often to adding (or increasing the stock of) things like oatmeal and other basics in the office kitchen.

But you work for the federal government, which means you don’t have the budget authority for those things, so you have to get more creative. Compiling resources is good (and if you’re in the D.C. area like many federal employees, this article has links to a range of local help). Could you also partner with local organizations that will offer coupons for free or heavily subsidized food?

You could also do a very low-pressure office food drive — like setting up a bin for canned goods in an inconspicuous area with a sign on it to donate if you want and to take what you need, and then letting people know it’s there.

But man, none of this comes close to filling the gap.

Readers, other ideas? (Keep in mind that this letter-writer has pretty rigid financial restrictions on what they can do because they work for the government.)

The post how can we help coworkers who are losing food benefits? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

04 Nov 19:27

Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest

by The Onion Staff

LONDON—Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in the Whitechapel district of London begging for a child to molest. “Please, sir, may I have a girl? A small one? Surely you have some to spare,” said the disgraced ex-duke of York, who coughed feverishly as disgusted passersby rushed between bakers’ shops and haberdashers, wrenching their coat sleeves away from his filthy, fingerless-gloved hands. “I’ll tend your horses for a mere whiff of a prepubescent bird. I’ll fondle an adult who looks like a moppet—I don’t mind! I haven’t molested in days! My knob is awfully chilly. I beg you sir, have a heart. It’s nearly Christmastime!” At press time, the former prince was reportedly pressing his face against a window and gazing ravenously into the home of a happy family molesting a huge child.

The post Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest appeared first on The Onion.

04 Nov 19:26

Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu

by The Onion Staff

LEAWOOD, KS—Her eyes widening at the sight of the piece of paper moving inch by inch out of the machine, an alarmed Taylor Swift reportedly looked on Tuesday as her fiancé, Travis Kelce, printed out the Buffalo Wild Wings catering menu. “Babe, what’s that?” said the 35-year-old billionaire recording artist, taking a step closer to where the Kansas City Chiefs tight end sat in front of his laptop, and nearly dropping a mug after she noticed he was zoomed in on a picture of pretzel knots. “So, is this for your bachelor party? Because I thought we already agreed we were using that French chef for the wedding. ‘Chicken dipper?’ I don’t even know what that is. Yes, Travis, I’m sure they have salads too, but I don’t why you’re telling me that.” At press time, reports confirmed Kelce was arguing that if the couple were willing to spend enough money, they could offer wedding guests all 26 sauces.

The post Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu appeared first on The Onion.

04 Nov 19:26

CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles

by The Onion Staff

ATLANTA—As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated Monday that at this point, it would probably make more sense to start tracking people without the disease. 

 Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below the level needed to stop community spread of measles, top CDC scientists confirmed the overwhelming number of outbreaks across the country was making it really hard to keep tabs on everyone who had the disease. As a result, they concluded, it would be “a whole lot easier” to just tally the nation’s uninfected individuals instead.

 “This is really gonna streamline our process,” CDC spokesperson Ada Fischer said of the new strategy, observing that measles was one of the world’s most contagious infections and, without prevention, spread unchecked through a population. “From now on, instead of asking people to report any symptoms of fever, rash, or lesions in the mouth, we’re asking them to contact us when they don’t have any of those things. It’ll make everything much simpler.”

 “If you really want us to, we can keep going into these day cares and schools and hospitals and try to count all the people who have measles,” she continued. “But to be honest, it’s beginning to feel like a huge waste of time.”  

 The CDC said that while it had worked hard over the years to promote measles-mumps-rubella vaccinations, its efforts clearly weren’t succeeding, so there was no real reason to continue expending resources in hotspots like Texas, New Mexico, Kansas, or Ohio. Officials tracking the outbreaks determined it was so bad in West Texas they might as well just say everyone there had measles and call it a day.

 Last month, however, a CDC doctor visited Seagraves, TX, and had a chance encounter with a 53-year-old man who appeared not to have measles at all. After testing confirmed this, researchers realized they could save tons of time if they simply tracked people like him for a change, rather than counting the area’s hundreds of infected residents.

 According to Steve Witkofsky, a veteran epidemiologist who has spent his career at the CDC, his biggest regret was not thinking of this approach sooner.  

 “Look, I’m done tracking all these people with measles and writing stupid reports about it,” Witkofsky told reporters, noting that the disease was declared eliminated from the United States in 2000 only to come back with a vengeance when Americans began to take the lack of cases for granted. “At this point, it’s kind of like, ‘Fuck you,’ you know? If you won’t take a safe, affordable, widely available precaution to prevent your family members from possibly dying of pulmonary failure or encephalitis, then you’re the asshole, not me. Someone else can deal with this shit now. I’m done.”

 He added, “It’s not like this administration is gonna leave the CDC with enough money to help anybody anyway.” 

The post CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles appeared first on The Onion.

04 Nov 19:25

White House   Maid Shrieks After Spotting    Melania  On Ceiling

by The Onion Staff

WASHINGTON—Expressing horror as an unidentified slimy substance dripped on her shoulder from above, White House maid Carla Ovares reportedly shrieked Tuesday after spotting first lady Melania Trump on the ceiling of the Executive Residence. “What on earth is that clicking sound? Oh my God, ahhhhhh!” Ovares screamed in terror, dropping a vase she had been dusting that then shattered against the floor, causing the first lady to hiss at her. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here right now. Oh, no, no, no—the doors are locked! Please, Madam First Lady, let me go! Wait, why are you looking at me like that?” At press time, sources confirmed Melania Trump had opened her gaping maw and spewed bones on the floor before skittering into a crack and disappearing.

The post White House   Maid Shrieks After Spotting    Melania  On Ceiling appeared first on The Onion.

04 Nov 19:25

Grandma Recalls Wild Teenage Year Before She Met Grandpa

by The Onion Staff
04 Nov 19:25

Self-Conscious Sumo Wrestler Wears White T-Shirt Into Ring

by The Onion Staff
04 Nov 19:23

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Sacrifice

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
If God is all-good, there are a LOT of errors in the Bible.


Today's News:
04 Nov 11:51

Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat

by The Onion Staff

A new study found that about one in five urinary tract infections can be traced to E. coli-contaminated meat. What do you think?

“Is it possible food affects the body in other ways, too?”

Hal Rivera, Slang Updater

“That’s why I always pee after McDonald’s.”

Martha Wilfong, Amateur Tobacconist

“I guess I could switch to contaminated fish.”

Chris Narendorf, Sandal Sizer

The post Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat appeared first on The Onion.