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Here is a dog that fancies itself an athlete. It has impressive distance and terrible coordination. Everything about this video is perfect, and deserves your full attention for its entire (brief) running time. Dumb, adorable dog.

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This happened at last week's Nebraska state speech championships, and we are so glad that it did. We don't know the identity of the kid fire-hosing the remnants of his turkey sandwich all over his hands and feet, but we do know that he is a hero. Because of him, we may now enjoy the world's first perfect photo.

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Measure would restrict licenses to state's smallest breweries

Visitors to farmers' markets would be able to sample and purchase beer made by small Maryland brew pubs under a bill that received final General Assembly approval Thursday.

The opening credits would probably look something like this. We're so excited about the return of Game of Thrones on Sunday, we asked our friend Garrison Dean to imagine what the show would look like if it was a classic 1970s-1980s sitcom. But what he came up with was way more insane than we ever expected.

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If we beer nerds lived in a perfect world, we'd all have entire climate-controlled rooms—or at least refrigerators—dedicated to beer storage. Sigh. But we live in the real world where refrigerators are stuffed with condiments galore and a constant in-and-out stream of leftovers, and where fitting even a small laundry room into our homes is a stretch. This doesn't mean, however, that each and every one of us brew lovers can't have our own beer cellar.

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In this, the latest installment in his outstanding "True Facts about _________" nature series, Ze Frank takes a hilariously perceptive look at one of our favorite animal subjects: the octopus .

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…and in any language, no less:

That’s from last night’s Angels-Mariners game, and in case your high school Spanish is rusty, this oblivious ass of a Yankee fan is criticizing Cano for leaving the Yankees because — I shit you not – “all you care about is money.”

I bet that guy looks in the mirror every morning and is shocked, yet again, by how much he thinks he resembles a young George Clooney. Such is his capacity for reflection, much less that of the “self” variety.

Norway's wildly popular Piip-Show will give you 24-hour tits. Also, finches, nuthatches, magpies — and even the occasional fluffy-eared squirrel. It's the creation of a photographer and model-maker who built a miniature cafe in the woods, stocked it with seeds, and turned on the cameras.

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I agree with every single word of this article and could add about 10,000 more.

The only moderately good thing to have spawned from this whole fucking decades long Phish nightmare was the emergence of Oysterhead, and that was only good because Les Claypool probably threatened to beat Trey Anastasio to death with an upright bass while choking him out with a whammy bar (in reality, they are friends, but a lot of my life is self created fiction these days).

I feel very strongly about this. Phish is a musical abomination, and when people come to my house and ask me if I have any Phish or want to listen to Phish, I look at them like they had just asked me to have a conjugal relationship with one of my pets and all I can think is “Get out of my house and do no come back.”

And don’t even start in on the Dead, haters. We had Jerry and Pigpen and the Godchaux’s and Bobby Weir and Robert Hunter writing songs and well, just don’t even fucking start. If you say there is no difference between the Dead and Phish, you might as well tell me there is no difference between Bush and Gore. And you are an idiot.

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Catcher Switch-hitter Matt Wieters (.235 AVG, 22 HR, 79 RBI) has always struggled against righties, but last year’s numbers were especially low. A bounce back in this area could give more depth to a deep batting order. First Base What needs to happ

It's a rare occurrence for two fantastic things to happen in such a short period of time during a postgame interview. While Rachel Nichols was interviewing Mercer head coach Bob Hoffman following his team's stunning upset of Duke, Anthony White Jr. videobombed his coach with a perfect Chapelle-style robot dance.

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We regularly check in on Duke losing to see how they're doing. As usual, they are sad while other people celebrate .

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Republican voters in North Carolina get to pick between the guy who claimed he went to the University of Maryland but actually went to an online-only night school or the guy who says Obamacare is part of a liberal Agenda 21 conspiracy to control everyone's life. Good luck with that.

The Cleveland Browns released Brandon Weeden yesterday, only two seasons after they shouldn't have drafted him. Someone put together the best of his stint with the Browns, and it's as poignant as a dead raccoon on the side of the highway.

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Dictyostelium discoideum is an amoeba known for its ability to navigate mazes. HL60 is a cancerous human cell line, derived from a 36-year-old woman with leukemia, that is known for the speed with which its cells can move. On May 16, researchers from around the world will go head-to-head, racing improved versions of both cells, to see who can make a Dicty or HL60 that is both smart and fast.

Anyone can enter, but the deadline to sign up is tomorrow. So read the rules and get to training your cells and single-celled organisms today!

Video Link

A great one-shot site: punch your name in and watch it explode into a mass of wiggling cellular automata.

Is what a particular GIF means to me the same as what it means to you? GIFGIF, an astonishingly-addictive GIF sorting game from MIT's Media Lab, aims at finding out.

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This iguana was hungry for a golf ball at the Puerto Rico Open when something—the ball rolling away, taunting him? all the people watching him fail at eating?—spooked him and he had to hastily abort mission.

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via http://1990-1999.tumblr.com/

When you're ballsy and stupid enough to accuse a prominent African-American lawyer with a history of Civil Rights activism (Eric Holder) of "standing in the school house door" like George Wallace (perhaps the most iconic defense of racial segregation in American history), you always run the risk that that guy's sister-in-law might actually have been the young woman Wallace was blocking on that famous day in 1963.

Yep, Catch the Throne is pretty good. But it turns out I'm a sucker for songs with "Fuck the Lannisters" in the lyrics.

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Oh, dear. This probably doesn't mean what you think it means.

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It would be the best thing ever. Replace all the dinosaurs with cats!

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Here's some fun spring training shenanigans courtesy of the San Francisco Giants, who understand that people wearing comically ill-fitting clothes is always funny. Tim Lincecum, who is just 5-foot-11, traded uniforms with Kameron Loe, who is 6-foot-8. Much fun was had.

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Online "character quizzes," suddenly ultra-viral thanks to adroit Facebook-centric designs at sites like Zimbio, are all the rage. Are they fueled by narcissism? No, says Devon Maloney: it's fear: "We crave the peace of mind that comes from believing the human condition is quantifiable." Which is to say, of course, our own conditions. It's the Myers-Briggs sorting hat for a new generation, telling you what you just told it.

Click the icons at the top, or scroll right [via Kottke]

"Get a life," warns the Economist. "Or face the consequences."

Sure, it's not a real movie, and is technically just a Star Trek: The Next Generation-filled parody of The Wolf of Wall Street trailer, but my god it is awesome. After all, revenge is a dish best served with 10-15 quaaludes a day.

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