Jim.bray

Sorry if you're old enough to catch an earworm, but I figure as I suffer, so should you. We interrupt your regularly scheduled morning reading for yet another celebrity absurdity.

The interwebs went bazonkers (over 37 thousand comments) yesterday after publicity queen, Kim Kardashian posted a selfie to her Instagram. Was she naked this time? Nope. Was it a beautiful booty shot? Wrong again. This time, the photo that almost broke the internet was a simple selfie, from which her adorable bidirectional baby was excised.

Taken at face value, this crop does indeed seem strange and so, as meddling minions often do, Kim's not-so-adoring fans were compelled to publicly shame her.

But KK had a pretty reasonable explanation for the edit, and she answered her "fans" with appropriate gravity:

Sometimes I *almost* feel sorry for her.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled Pajiba.

Cindy Davis, (Twitter)

Russell Brand received an award for saying unnecessarily stupid shit from the Plain English Campaign, a British organization which advocates the use of normal language over complex jargon which often means nothing and confuses the dumb. Each year the association designates a Foot In Mouth Award winner because they are spectacularly cheeky. Brand’s knack for brain damaged yet pretentious verse cast him as a clear favorite. They singled out a few of his rants as prime examples of his false sense of intelligence such as this one from his book Revolution:

“This attitude of churlish indifference seems like nerdish deference contrasted with the belligerent antipathy of the indigenous farm folk, who regard the hippie-dippie interlopers, the denizens of the shimmering tit temples, as one fey step away from transvestites.”

Big words aren’t the problem. They actually sound intriguing when uttered by most British people who haven’t riddled their brains with heroin.. The Brits are supposed to have a lofty vocabulary. That and ruddy women with naturally plump bosoms are all they have left. We have ice in America. And orthodontics. We can afford to speak plainly, as in, Russell Brand, take your memories of jack rabbiting Katy Perry and get the fuck out. 

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Editor’s Note: Not surprisingly, I have a lot of contacts in the adult film industry. Also not surprisingly, most of them have great stories. Here, a long-time FilmDrunk reader who now works in an adult film-related business tells us about the kind of mail he gets. And yes, “Rex Sycamore” is totally his real name (*wink*). 

Who doesn’t like to get an old-fashioned, hand-written or typewriter-typed letter in the mail? You know – the kind that arrives in an envelope instead of an inbox? It seems that this lost art is reserved only for the passionate; those with a message so special, so important that it can only be represented by the written word in hard copy, delivered directly to you, the one person who can appreciate the importance of their thoughts.

My coworkers and I are among the lucky few to receive these rare examples of artful communication on a regular basis. You see, we work in porn, and certain fans of our product regularly communicate their best ideas, deepest desires and well-documented complaints to us via the U.S. Mail.

“You call these big dicks?” one disappointed patron scribed with care. “I’m bigger than all those pencil dicks in this movie, and that’s not saying much. This was a waste of money.”

You can’t blame the guy for knowing what he likes. In fact, that’s the biggest common denominator across these pieces of correspondence. See if you can spot the recurring themes in this customer’s manifesto. Note, this is transcribed as received, our response is in italics.

Dear Sir or Miss:

Please try to make these movies.

1. White Grandmothers & Female Teens & A Black Man. You’re going to need to be more specific here, sir. As a concept, 1/10.
2. The mom tells the daughter to bring over a guy friend to study with. The guy shows up (he’s Black). The mom tells them to study upstairs in the bedroom. The mom goes up a few minutes later & sees her daughter giving him a blow job. The mom joins in making love with both of them. The mother has a nice dress on & stocking. OK – first, thank you for capitalizing the word Black – it shows respect. Second, I’m confused – is stocking used as a verb here, or is the mother an amputee? 4/10.
3. Black Lomo driver is taking 4 white teens to the prom & the girls are getting drunk & horney. He watches them & goes to the hood & picks up 2 black friends & they all jump in the back. I have some questions. What’s a Lomo? Is this two lesbian couples or four super independent girls who “chose” not to have anyone ask them to prom? Does the Lomo driver join in? If so, I’m assuming this is one of them super-stretch Lomos because that makes seven people in the back. Do they have sex in the Lomo, or just go to the prom and make a scene? 4/10.
4. 2 Middle aged white women check in at motel & have a Black bellhop come up, because the TV doesn’t work. A bellhop? At a motel? To fix a TV? Revise to have them ask the bellhop at a swanky Vegas hotel to carry up their unusually heavy, vibrating luggage. With that change, not bad. 5/10.
5. Two white ladies are bored so they call for a striper, all they had left was a female striper, they said OK. A white female walks in with a black male body guard, the striper puts on a show & then everyone joined in. All females had stockings on. Assuming we’re not talking about bass, and that by “joined in” you mean they have sex, this one’s passable. 6/10.
6. A couple of older ladies meet an old friend one day & the friend looked much younger, the other ladies asked why you look so young. She said I eat Black cum. At that time all the ladies go out to find Black cum. Starring Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte. 4/10.
7. A Black couple has a white baby sitter. They come home & the baby sitter is dress (with stocking & skirt on) for a date. The couple put the moves on the baby sitter. The females are both wearing stocking. This is the most unrealistic of the lot. The kid will surely wake up and ruin everything. Good call on the hosiery, though. 2/10.
8. White lady & her husband in a bar, the husband said what you want for your birthday; she looked around & said those 2 guys. He said but there Black. She said you said anything. He said OK but I’m going to be in the closet taping it. She brings the 2 Black guys back to her house. AAANNNND???? Do they do it? Does the husband get caught? Is “taping it” a euphemism for masturbating while crying?
9. A chubby white girl dresses up for a job in film, there are 2 white ladies interviewing her. She must do both girls to get the job. No stocking or Black dudes? WTF? Useless. 1/10
10. Computer dating service gets wires crossed & sends wrong people on dates. 1) White girl is waiting for Lee Roy & finds out 2 Black comes one is Lee the other is Roy. 2) White girl is waiting & Pat shows up, but it’s a girl. 3) a Black couple waits for Shemale & a white She Male shows up. I kind of dig the whole Lee and Roy shtick, but androgynous Pat is so ‘80s. We’ll use the shemale thing, though. Good save. 6/10.
11. Ugly White Girls Lick Black Asses – Female master gets a girl to put on lipstick (sex drug) & she does everything she wants for her & the black guys she calls up. 10/10.
12. White mother has her female friends over to make love to your step daughter for money. MY step daughter? What the f*ck, dude? 0/10.

PLEASE NOTE ALL WOMEN SHOULD HAVE DIFFERENT COLOR STOCKINGS or BODY STOCKINGS ON Jesus Christ, we get it.

Truthfully, letters like this reassure us that we are inspiring independent thinking, creativity, and faith that a note sent randomly to an address found in legal fine print on the back of a DVD will effectively earn you a role as porn writer. This, and your money, keep us energized and ready to face each new day with vigor. So, keep them coming… Um, keep the juices flowing… keep it up… Did I mention it’s impossible to have a normal conversation in this industry?

A few notes before we begin:

• There are lots of great pictures of Tom Cruise. I know because I’ve gotten lost in his Getty archive for hours at a time. He just … he fascinates me. Look at the picture at the top of this post, for example. That’s him zipping across the water in Cannes in a two-person speedboat and standing up — STANDING UP! IN A SUIT! — to wave to fans and photographers. He’s risking life and limb to be friendly to people he doesn’t even know. That’s Tom Cruise in a nutshell: recklessly friendly.
• His Getty archive is also loaded with pictures like this one, in which he’s standing in front of some foreign country’s historic architecture and waving to photographers. Presumably, this happens because he’s a huge movie star and the local press wants a shot of him enjoying the scenery, but if you look at enough of them he starts to look like a goofy American tourist who travels alone and forces pedestrians to take pictures of him at various monuments. This, to be clear, is hilarious.
• All of that said, the picture we are discussing here is the best picture of Tom Cruise. I will not be accepting counterarguments.

You know what? Let’s take this apart piece-by-piece, into its most important elements, just like we did with this picture of George Clooney. And away we go.

Siegfried and Roy are there

They sure are, as explained by the caption for the photo at Getty’s website:

Actress Penelope Cruz feeds Atlas, a five-month-old white Siberian tiger, as actor Tom Cruise and entertainers Siegfried Fischbacher and Roy Horn look on January 5, 2002 at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, NV. Cruise and Cruz stopped backstage after seeing the Siegfried and Roy show.

I’m gonna be honest with you. This is actually a little disappointing. I really wanted this to be a candid photo of Tom Cruise just hanging out with Siegfried and Roy, like they’re friends. Like maybe they went out to dinner every Friday and Tom — always curious, he — just peppered them with questions about tigers and other exotic animals until he ended up becoming the world’s foremost expert on jungle cats. You could see him getting very intense about this, couldn’t you? I could.

This was just Penelope Cruz’s life for a while

[Penelope Cruz runs into an old friend while visiting family]

OLD FRIEND: Hey, Penelope! Wow! I haven’t seen you in, what, eight years? Maybe 10? What the hell have you been up to?

PENELOPE CRUZ: Last week I fed a baby white tiger with a bottle while Tom Cruise and Siegfried & Roy held it in the air and cheered me on.

OLD FRIEND: Oh… oh. Wow.

Did … did that tiger pee on Tom Cruise?

Okay, one of two things happened here: Either (1) the bottle that Penelope Cruz is using to feed the tiger dribbled and a little milk ended up on the leg of Tom Cruise’s jeans, or (2) that tiger pissed on Tom Cruise.

The bottle thing is more likely, I suppose, both because the stains appear to line up vertically with the tiger’s mouth and because I imagine tigers piss like busted-open fire hydrants and there would be a much more substantial stain as a result. Still, I have chosen to believe it is the latter option because it makes me laugh to think about Tom Cruise being so happy about feeding a tiger with Siegfried and Roy that he doesn’t even care a little that the tiger pissed on his $800 jeans and he has to wear them to dinner after the show.

Speaking of…

Look how happy Tom Cruise is

Have you ever, in your entire life, seen anyone as happy as Tom Cruise is in this picture? I mean, look at him. Look at Tom Cruise. Look at his face. You could light up a stadium with that wattage.

It actually brings me to another point, which I think is very important: We, as a society, have really given Tom Cruise a bum deal lately. Say what you will about the Scientology thing, but on a personal level, he just seems like a super nice, super enthusiastic guy who we all decided was crazy one day. I actually developed a theory about it, which is that you, Mr. or Mrs. Internet Cynic, would change your tune about Tom Cruise if you actually met him. I think you would change your tune fast. And when I ran this theory by our own Cajun Boy, he informed me that when the movie Hell Baby was filming in his New Orleans home, pretty much the entire cast said Cruise is possibly the nicest, most genuine, loving person in show business. He’s just an excitable dude who likes running in movies and feeding exotic animals by hand. Is that really so wrong? Think about it for a while.

But anyway, yes, this is the best picture of Tom Cruise.

Filed under: Film Drunk, Movies, Web Culture Tagged: penelope cruise, siegfried and roy, TOM CRUISE

Not that any of us need additional motivation to re-watch Archer episodes, but the perceptive fans of r/ArcherFX have gradually been tracking all the funny/random/creative subtitles they come across while watching episodes with captions on and it’s become very clear the rest of us are missing out. For example, the subtitle gods don’t even know what Cheryl/Carol’s name is.

Here are a few other interesting things you’ll watching Archer with the subtitles on…

There are two distinctly different types of interoffice bitching.

Woodhouse a very particular snore.

The show teaches you how to speak with a Russian accent.

Kitchen bowl drops really are that gratuitous.

Inanimate objects even get their due.

Pam has a distinct form of cocaine intake.

If you need me I’ll be re-watching all the scenes with Krieger’s hologram girlfriend and tentacle porn with the subtitles on. For, um, research.

Filed under: TV, Web Culture Tagged: .lol, ARCHER, SUBTITLES

Urban Outfitters has stooped to a new low in their attempt to appeal to kitschy tongue in cheek hipsters and frat boys who let their shirts do their talking because they were born without personalities. They recently offered up a Kent State sweatshirt which looks like blood is spattered all over it. You don’t have to run a CSNY fan page on Facebook to get the reference. This keeps with Urban Outfitter’s tradition of offering up shitty puns and juxtapositions on their clothing. It’s one thing to sell a five dollar T shirt for thirty bucks because it says “Suck My Footlong” with a picture of a sandwich. It’s another to intertwine your bullshit company with one of America’s national tragedies. Kent State was not amused:

“This item is beyond poor taste and trivializes a loss of life that still hurts the Kent State community today.”

To be fair, Kent State could actually do something important so maybe people can get over the dead students from forty-five years ago. Maybe they can buy one of those God particle laboratories and accidentally blow up the universe or something. Urban Outfitters was quick to respond to the outrage, or not so quick if you consider they had a pre-prepared statement in the hip pocket and all they had to do was unfold it:

“Urban Outfitters sincerely apologizes for any offense our Vintage Kent State Sweatshirt may have caused. It was never our intention to allude to the tragic events that took place at Kent State in 1970 and we are extremely saddened that this item was perceived as such… There is no blood on this shirt nor has this item been altered in any way. The red stains are discoloration from the original shade of the shirt and the holes are from natural wear and fray.”

That’s not really even a decent attempt at a lie. I hope someone pipe bombs Urban Outfitters corporate headquarters, takes a photo of the debris and rubble, and laminates it on a shirt that says “Urban Outfitters Is The Bomb”. It would be nice if nobody died during the bombing so I can live with myself. Charge one-hundred bucks for the shirt and hipsters will instinctively start forming a line.

Photo Credit: Urban Outfitters 

We first noticed Billy Ray Cyrus’s similarity to a certain Paddy’s Pub owner at last year’s Teen Choice Awards, but the transformation actually began a few years prior. Billy Ray turned 53 yesterday, which means that it’s only fitting we take a look back at his monumental contributions to pop culture, both musically and by fathering Miley Cyrus. Only joking! Let’s look at his metamorphosis from mullet-sporting one hit wonder to current Fat Mac doppelgänger.

“Achy Breaky Heart” — 1992

The world was plagued with Billy Ray Cyrus over 20 years ago when his song “Achy Breaky Heart” pushed his debut record Some Gave All to international success. Not much Fat Mac similarity at the start of Billy Ray’s career, just an incredibly hideous — or glorious, depending on who you ask — mullet.

Radical Jack — 2000

Billy Ray’s earliest known similarities to Fat Mac date back to the year 2000, as evidenced by the cover of his straight-to-video action movie Radical Jack. (Available at finer truck stops everywhere.) IMDB describes the movie as the story of an outlaw who decides to go after the one person responsible for ruining his life. If only there was an outlaw who would go after Billy Ray Cyrus for ruining country music.

Wanna Be Your Joe — 2006

For Billy Ray’s 2006 album, he was looking less Fat Mac-ish and more like the owner of a Beverly Hills hair salon. This is also right around the time that daughter Miley was pulling in fat checks from the Disney Channel, providing Billy Ray the financial gains to fully embrace all of his gluttonous tool desires.

Vanity Fair photo shoot with Miley — 2011

This is where we really start to see Billy Ray’s inner Fat Mac shine through. It’s almost as if Billy Ray was somehow channeling Fat Mac, as if he knew that his true form would soon blossom.

Marriage problems — 2010-2013

In 2013 Billy Ray was suffering from a real-life achy breaky heart, as he and wife Tish were going through some marriage problems. My sources tell me that a team of country music psychologists have pinpointed this as the key event that fueled Billy Ray’s near-complete transformation into Fat Mac. It’s nearly impossible to tell where Billy Ray ends and Fat Mac begins.

Billy Ray and Fred Durst Attempt team up for maximum doucheness — 2013

Not much change in Billy Ray’s appearance here, just a simple reminder that one of the worst musical moments of the past decade can be blamed on Arseno Hall for allowing both Fred Durst and Billy Ray Cyrus on the same show. Moving on…

Teen Choice Awards — 2013

Last year’s Teen Choice Awards is when the world really stopped to say “hey, what’s Fat Mac doing with Miley Cyrus? Ohhhh…” Billy Ray was still lacking the full-on Fat Mac gut, but his metamorphosis seemed to reaching its final stages.

iHeart Radio Music Festival — 2014

As of May 2014, Billy Ray’s Fat Mac transformation seems to have taken a different direction and shifted to Mac’s “Viggo Mortensen” look. Only time and doughnuts will tell what new and douchey form Billy Ray will shape-shift into next, but we can be certain that it will hilariously awful.

Filed under: TV, Web Culture Tagged: BILLY RAY CYRUS, FAT MAC, IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA, ROB MCELHENNEY

Excerpts from an interesting article at the website of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine:

Discussion of George and Martha Washington’s infertility begins with an examination of Washington’s marriage to Martha Dandridge Custis Washington (1731–1802) in 1759. At the time of their marriage, Martha was a widow. She had married Daniel Custis at age 17 and had four children by him in 8 years...

These facts make it seem unlikely that George and Martha’s infertility was attributable to Martha: her considerable fecundity is evidenced by the birth of four children in 8 years of marriage to Daniel Custis. Furthermore, no evidence exists that her last pregnancy was complicated by postpartum infection or hemorrhage leading to uterine fibrosis or Asherman’s syndrome, which might have made additional pregnancies impossible...

From his writings, it is clear that Washington desired a child an heir. This, in combination with his intimate relationship with a fertile partner, makes it likely that Washington suffered from male infertility...

The differential diagnosis in the table above is discussed at the link; the article then goes on to discuss the implications of his infertility:

One wonders about the impact of Washington’s infertility on the course of history. Most tempting is to speculate as to whether his lack of an heir impacted on his willingness to return power to the relatively weak Congress at the end of the Revolutionary War. At the war’s conclusion he easily could have contemplated becoming a military dictator or even installing himself as king. Indeed, many on his own general staff urged him to do so (9, p. 403). To his credit, however, Washington resigned his commission and returned to his Virginia farm. This act, wherein the leader of a successful military revolution voluntarily returns power to a civil authority is almost unique in history and is one of the reasons Washington was so revered by his contemporaries and eventually unanimously selected to become the nation’s first president 5 years later in 1788.

A more likely effect of Washington’s infertility was that he tended to nurture promising young men to whom he was not related. Most prominent of these was his favorite, the Marquis de Lafayette...

 More at the link - an interesting read.

Yesterday a water main broke under Sunset Boulevard. It was bad. A geyser shot 30 feet into the air, flooding the UCLA campus, including parking structures and Pauley Pavilion. A handful of stranded motorists and people in underground parking structures had to be rescued. Nearly four hours (and 8-10 million gallons of lost water) after the pipe burst, it was finally shut off.

The cause of the break? It’s quite simple, if you ask the man who called into ABC7 News posing as a Los Angeles Department of Water and Power spokesman by the (fantastic) name of Louis Slungpue: “Someone took a really large dump.”

(Via Sherrie Norris)

Filed under: TV, Web Culture Tagged: los angeles, News, NEWS BLOOPERS, UCLA, viral video

It’s that time of year again, where the internet is flooded with photos and stories directly from the Gathering of the Juggalos. Only this year, it looks as if these updates from deep within the Dark Carnival are happening in real time. The Gathering of the Juggalos has moved from the desolate, cell-phone-serviceless wasteland of Cave-In-Rock, Illinois to the more hospitable and less isolated Legend Valley Campground in Thornville, Ohio. The Gathering has just begun and already people are posting their experiences, and complaining about how last year was way better.

Daniel Hill and Drew Ailes of the River Front Times have released a list of “Ten Changes to the 2014 Gathering of the Juggalos After Its Move from Illinois to Ohio” and for the most part, I feel pretty relieved to be not there this time around. But there are a few things that kind of make me miss wish I could perhaps teleport there for just a moment. One of those things is the fact that apparently Gary Busey’s nephew, Mike Busey, is operating a strip club from within the festival.

6. Outdoor Strip Club Operated by Gary Busey’s Nephew
Yep. This is a thing. We heard the city “Orlando” mentioned by the emcee, so you can probably piece together the rest. And before you ask, of course there are commemorative T-shirts to support whatever the f*ck this is actually for.

You might be asking yourself “who the hell is Mike Busey, aside from the nephew of Gary Busey?” After a quick look at his website, in particular the section titled “who is Mike Busey?”, the answer is simple: Mike Busey is a the biggest tool on the planet. He is the tool emperor. He is the 6 million dollar tool: created by science from spare parts of inferior tools. He is the alpha and the omega tool, eternal, without beginning or end. The Ouroboros tool. Here are just a few brief excerpts from his website:

My name is Mike Busey I work in the entertainment business. Host Of The Wildest Show N America The Mike Busey Live Stage Show & Owner Of The Wildest House N America

A writer / producer / actor / director / tour manager / promoter / casting director / radio show host / hype man / and personality……

I have been very lucky to have worked with some of the biggest names in the biz “Jackass, Three 6 Mafia, MTV, Girls Gone Wild, & Playboy to name a few….

“I got one foot in Hollywood the other foot in the dumpster!” Mike Busey

I am the proud owner & founder of the wildest home in America “The Sausage Castle” I have been evicted 5 times & counting…..

“If you got cancer call a doctor! If your looking for a good time call me!”
Mike Busey

My living room has seen over 50,000 people over the years…..
A place visited by all star athletes, actors, reality stars, rockstar musicians & the random dude who woks at the local gas station @ my house you really never know who will show up!

“Most college kids have these lame keg parties, meanwhile I’m having firework displays and tour buses pulling up in my driveway.” Mike Busey

“I throw the parties that you see in the movies!” Mike Busey

By the way, that string of self-quotes and adolescent braggadocio appear in that exact order on his website. I have changed nothing. He is real life. One thing is clear from watching his promo video, Mike Busey and the Gathering go together like peas and carrots. Like Shaggy and Jay. Like Faygo and type-2 diabetes. I only wonder if Mike Busey’s strip club is competing with the Wolfpac girls’ stage (which is basically a strip club, except with less nudity yet more sadness.) This man, this creature, this legend, is at the Gathering of the Juggalos right now – and I’m totally kicking myself for missing it. Oh well, there’s always next year.

Filed under: Film Drunk, Music Tagged: Gary Busy, GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS, GIRLS GONE WILD, JACKASS, Juggalos, Mike Busey, MTV, River Front Times, THREE 6 MAFIA, Wolfpack girls

I usually don’t like to play the whole cross-category “So-and-so was nominated for an Emmy but Other-so-and-so wasn’t” outrage game because, for the most part, that’s why categories exist in the first place. Comparing the stacked fields for Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Drama to the ones for, like, Best Hat In A Miniseries Or Whatever is bound to leave you with weird, potentially upsetting results. (“OH, SO MCCONAUGHEY AND HARRELSON GET NOMINATED BUT DETECTIVE SOLVERSON’S FUZZY POLICE HAT GETS SNUBBED? THIS IS BULLSH*T.”)

And besides, it’s kind of hilarious to watch self-serious television critics have a heart attack over Dog With a Blog receiving more nominations than shows and actors/actresses they’ve been championing all year long, as though the Disney Channel show about the talking computer-savvy canine and the intense period piece about Russian spies during the Cold War are peers in any way whatsoever. That’s been fun.

But, with all that said, I would like to bring one thing to your attention that might make your head explode a little bit.

That’s right. Guy Fieri, Captain Flavortown himself, was nominated for an Emmy this year. And you know what? I HOPE HE WINS, if only to watch the Internet tear itself to pieces the next day. Burn it down. Burn it all down.

[laughs maniacally, sprays Donkey Sauce everywhere]

Filed under: TV Tagged: 2014 Emmy Awards, guy fieri

It was about six years ago that a video of a ball girl at a Fresno Grizzlies baseball game making an impossible catch in the left field corner was “leaked” and started going viral at an insane rate. The video, as it was revealed in the months following the leak, was part of a canceled Gatorade ad campaign created by Element 79 and directed by Baker Smith, and it was actually filmed at Chukchansi Park, where the Grizzlies play. However, despite the hopes and dreams of the hundreds of thousands of people who watched that video in the first few months that it was on YouTube, the ball girl didn’t make that jump. Instead, she was a stunt girl attached to cables, and some very impressive digital work was used to make it look like she showed up Fresno’s left fielder, who was actually a minor league infielder named Jake Wald just playing his role in a spectacular illusion.

So why the sudden trip down Memory of a Video You’ve Seen 1,000 Times Lane? Because like the Gillette ad featuring Evan Longoria making “an insane catch” that suddenly found its way back into your Facebook feeds last month, the acrobatic parkour ball girl has returned, too. This seems to happen at least once a year, if not more, so I’ve never paid much attention to it, because what’s the harm in letting people enjoy a commercial that they never got to see on TV? But this weekend, as it found its way into my Facebook feed yet again, I finally realized that not only do people still think this thing is real, but there are irresponsible a-holes out there using it to spark Internet gender flame wars.

One of the more recent culprits spreading this video for attention and the “ZOMG! WOW! WATCH THIS U GUYS!” is some “technopreneur” I’ve never heard of, but he is responsible for 274,956 people sharing it since April, and there are still people who think it’s real commenting on it as you read this. Naturally, because I had nothing better to do over my holiday weekend, I fell into a deep rabbit hole of the comments on this video, and I just… I just can’t believe this is happening, you guys. If these are your friends, or you have friends that are still sharing this video or others like it, tap them on the shoulder, point somewhere in the distance and shout, “Look at that!” and then delete their Facebook accounts.

In his defense, when called out on just how hilariously wrong he was, Jim did what any good Internet commenter does and ignored it as long as he could until one person kept calling him out and he typed a timid non-apology. Keep fighting the good fight, Jim.

Yes, those Triple-A ballplayers are simply paid too much and have no incentive to try. Especially the infielders pretending to be outfielders for a commercial shoot.

It counted as a quadruple grand slam perfect game.

Never even touched a boob, those losers.

I hope the stunt girl added this comment to her portfolio.

And if she does…

Don’t even get Judi started on TWO girls with green eyes. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!

Holy moly. Speaking of this Snopes breakdown that is accurate and true…

It is correct footage if by correct you mean digitally-enhanced.

I have. I read every comment just like this one, so I’ve seen roughly 3,000 rocket scientists.

Except it’s fake. It’s fake and I know it.

Look, jumping into a volcano can be as pleasant as eating a Choco Taco, but I’ll never know because my common sense makes me think it would instead suck. Just like trying to jump up an outfield wall makes me think I’d break a bunch of bones and probably rupture a nut.

Internet commenters gonna comment with stupid, meaningless phrases. Hey, let’s check in with Joseph Campagnolo again.

Something tells me this guy has a lot of opinions that he’d like to share with everyone, all the time.

Yes, this whole thing is just because I’m threatened by wall-climbing ball girls taking over my favorite sport.

Quite easy. I do it twice, nay thrice daily for craps and laughs.

Ball girls are actually encouraged to do this. They just don’t do it that often, because if she had dropped the ball, she would have been fed to lions during the seventh inning stretch.

That one made me laugh a lot.

It wasn’t stagged. No way that was stragged. I refuse to believe that was straggled. It couldn’t have been stragglered.

I bet he’s the dad that all of the other parents love standing next to at games.

Even if they did have those cool cameras, the women wouldn’t have been able to use them, AM I RIGHT FELLAS?

I’d call this dude a liar, but it’s CNN so it probably took up a whole day of news coverage.

Okay, you’re either a liar or you were so drunk that you didn’t see the wires.

F*ck you, Internet.

Filed under: Sports, TV, Upcoming Tagged: COMMERCIALS, Facebook, facebook commenters, FAKE, fake fake fake, GATORADE, Minor League Baseball, REAL OR FAKE, Viral Videos

The second season of Comedy Central’s Nathan For You premieres next Tuesday, July 1. While there are many ways to promote the return of your critically acclaimed sketch series, it appears as though the show’s star, Nathan Fielder, may have found the best: opening up an Instagram account and posting a series of ordinary seeming pictures that all feature a tiny, semi-hidden image of an old man masturbating.

Oh, did you not realize that’s what you were looking at in the banner image? Look closer. And then look at the three other pictures on his Instagram dating back three full weeks. Yup, each one. A 100% sneaky dong rate. And there was actually a fourth picture up for a little while featuring the same image clear as day in the rearview mirror of his car, but it appears as though Instagram got wise to that one and pulled it down. The lesson here is that Nathan Fielder remains very good at Internet pranks.

Anyway, do you want to know what my favorite part of all this is? I’ll tell you. It’s that Nathan Fielder got the big fancy New York Times Magazine profile treatment about two weeks ago, and while he was being introduced to the high-minded, longread-inclined readership of the glossy version of this country’s paper of record, there was a picture on his Instagram that contained a hidden image in the reflection on his sunglasses of an old, Santa-looking man pleasuring himself. The man is a rascal. I hope he never changes.

NOTE: We’re putting a couple of the pictures from Nathan’s photo series on the next page, because the old man dong is a little less obscured. OBVIOUS WARNING: the photos might be NSFW.

Filed under: TV Tagged: COMEDY CENTRAL, dongs, nathan fielder, nathan for you

No one drinks wine half as well as Cersei on Game of Thrones, so when actress Lena Headey (“That’s Headey!”) dropped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, the host couldn’t resist an ol’ fashioned insult-off over a helping of the grape. Wearing a “I’m Not Sorry” shirt, Headey won her Thrones-style chat with Kimmel, with her icy hate flowing through jibes like, “That is a lovely tie, it’s a shame it’s around such a worthless neck.” Might wanna check your cup for Essence of Nightshade, Jimmy…

Filed under: Media, TV Tagged: game of thrones, jimmy kimmel live, LENA HEADEY, wine

Great news, nostalgia freaks, Paddington Bear is coming to the big screen in his very own live action adventure for Christmas 2014. I’m sure a lot of people have read that news and thought, “What the f*ck, Michael Bay?” but this beloved children’s book character seems to be getting the treatment that a 56-year cuddly bear in a raincoat actually deserves. Paddington stars Nicole Kidman and Jim Broadbent, as well as Colin Firth as the voice of the titular bear, despite the fact that I’m told by so-called experts that bears can’t actually speak. Science aside, the first trailer for Paddington hit YouTube last week, and you can see for yourself that it at least looks better than Yogi Bear.

Along with the trailer, the first image for Paddington (above) was also released last week, and as usual people on the Internet didn’t respond that well to something from their childhoods being given a new look. Specifically, a lot of people thought that Paddington looked pretty f*cking creepy, so quite a few Photoshop programs were fired up and the meme du jour was born with “Creepy Paddington.”

Filed under: Film Drunk, Media Tagged: CREEPY PADDINGTON, MEMES, NICOLE KIDMAN, PADDINGTON, PADDINGTON BEAR, Photoshops, TRAILERS

In a meta example of psych ward behavior, Nicolas Cage was photographed at a Guns ‘N Roses concert wearing a T-shirt of himself looking completely insane, while he himself looked completely insane. He added to his nut job appearance by donning half of the accessories available in Aisle 6 at the local Halloween costume shop. Cage’s recent eccentric behavior includes dramatic overspending on basic household items such as dinosaur bones, purchasing burial rites in a pyramid, electing to dine upon only animals that have engaged in sexual behavior, and hair implants so complex they had to be inserted by that robot that beat Kasparov in chess. Cage used to dress all preppy and button down masking the fog of insanity that lay beneath. In a way, it’s nice to know that crazy people will eventually lean toward crazy people wardrobe so we can readily identify the ones that will bite us if we don’t give them a dollar in the street.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Like everybody else who is rich or famous and disliked in 2014, young Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel is now having his old emails and messages parsed and publicized to make him look like a total privileged rich white sexist asshole. He almost certainly is, but that’s not really the point.  The media and his detractors have keyed in on Evan’s Animal House exultations to his Kappa Sigma brothers at Stanford while he served as their Social Chairman:

this has happened because we are all having a blast together, so, give yourself a pat on the back, or have some girl put your large kappa sigma dick down her throat because you fucking HANDLED this weekend. Can’t wait to see everyone on the blackout express soon — evan

I wonder if my TA has ever been peed on. She’s pretty hot for a TriDelt.

There’s a a ton more shit about raging and kegs and drugs and getting super fucked up and getting laid and how certain sorority girls are bitches and other stuff that is exactly what you would imagine a rich kid named Evan who wears a robe and is the social chairman of a frat would say in private emails to his beta male idiotic brothers. Though not technically idiotic since they invented Snapchat and are worth billions, but you get the point. When the messages went public, Evan was forced to respond with some empty apology crafted by his public relations team:

I’m obviously mortified and embarrassed that my idiotic emails during my fraternity days were made public. I have no excuse. I’m sorry I wrote them at the time and I was [a] jerk to have written them. They in no way reflect who I am today or my views towards women.

Obviously, who can be held accountable for what they wrote all of three to four years ago. I’m sure you no longer feel the TriDelt girls need a good piss in the face.  And who under the age of 60 has even been ‘mortified’. But isn’t the point really that you’re just a run of the mill asshole that we all could be made out to be if anybody parsed our history of private emails and text messages? Maybe not as a big of an asshole as you, but close. Everybody is vulnerable to this kind of digital record these days. If only there were an application that allowed stupid young people to share pictures of their genitals and find the after-school weed connect and make hateful social comments without any lingering record. Evan invented the cure for his own disease, he just didn’t do it soon enough.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The conventional wisdom is that Tube sites are killing the porn industry, and that might be partly true, but with upheaval cums opportunity. As president and interracial action connoisseur Thomas Jefferson once said, the back tattoo of liberty needs to be refreshed from time to time with the jizz of patriots. So it is that Lee Roy Myers’ WoodRocket (“the future of porn”) is fighting free content with free content, hoping that innovative content will bring the eyeballs and the money.

To go along with Game of Bones, The Knobbit, and Topless Girls Reading Books (all available for free), WoodRocket is now offering Googly Eye Porno. Proving once again that everything is funnier with googly eyes. We’ve got a couple SFW examples, but you can check out the full gallery on WoodRocket. There may come a day when I won’t giggle at googly eye parodies, but it has not yet arrived.

We just thought you should know.

Filed under: Film Drunk, Media Tagged: GOOGLY EYE PORNO, LEE ROY MYERS, PORNO, WOODROCKET

Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but the man has had one hell of a film career. One that is nearly impossible to summarize in 140 characters or less. And yet, Cruise managed to do just that on his Twitter bio, which an astute Redditor noticed was recently changed to include the perfect last line:

It’s great to see Cruise embrace the internet’s obsession with his propensity to run like a complete maniac in nearly EVERY film. There are Tumblrs, memes, mashups, and plenty of career-spanning videos dedicated to the diminutive dasher’s high-kneed, arms-a-pumping, all-out sprints. Here’s the latest “comprehensive” supercut, which will, of course, be outdated as soon as Edge of Tomorrow comes out next month.

Filed under: Film Drunk, Web Culture Tagged: Edge of Tomorrow, TOM CRUISE, Twitter

I feel like after that video of the super cat rescuing the kid from the dog earlier, it wouldn’t hurt to serve a reminder — in the form of this video which has been floating around for the past day or so — that while a small percentage of dogs are vicious and terrible, most of them are big, harmless dopes. Take Nana the Great Pyrenees, here, who literally could not bite a child’s leg if it were thrown directly into her mouth.

Poor Nana. You’ll get the hang of it one of these days, you big fluffy thing.

Filed under: TV, Web Culture Tagged: Dogs, Viral Videos

There is ambition and then there’s Ryan Beitz. Earlier this week, Vice ran an interview with this seemingly unusual and eccentric young man, whose sole mission in life is to obtain every VHS copy of the 1994 action thriller Speed, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. And when I say that he wants every copy, I mean his goal is to somehow find and own every VHS copy that exists in the world right now. It is an absolute shame that there are multiple Real Housewives and Kardashian reality shows and this guy is still telling his story to websites. But I digress.

Beitz has set up a website called “The World Speed Project,” as well as a Facebook page with 1,772 fans as of today, through which supporters can send their VHS copies to Beitz. He already claims to have more than 500 copies, with an additional 26 Laser Disc versions, which don’t count, because that would just be ridiculous. On top of the collection, Beitz has also launched a Kickstarter project to raise money for fixing up his 15-passenger van to make it look like the out-of-control bus from Speed. In case you haven’t made the connection yet, this dude REALLY LOVES SPEED.

Why don’t you tell me what got you started collecting the Speeds?

I lived in Seattle and was super broke, and I had to come up with Christmas presents for my family. Usually I would just, like, dumpster-dive books or something and give them to them, but when I was at the pawn shop they had six copies of Speed, and I thought it would be really funny to get everybody in my family the same gift, even me. I wanted to watch them open them one at a time and go, “Oh, Speed. Don’t we already have this?” Somebody else would go, “Oh, Speed. Really funny, Ryan.” Then by the time you went around, everybody would have gotten the same gift from me. Then I could tell them that I love them all equally, you know? Just some bullshit.

Then when I bought all six it was, like, way too good. I realized it was really fascinating to have that many, like, same copies of a thing. What really cemented it was when I went to another pawn shop, and they had, like, 30 copies. I said, “I’ll take them all.” They sold them to me for 11 cents a copy.

How many copies do you have right now?

I don’t know, like 550 or something. I haven’t counted in a while ’cause who really cares?

And you’re going to collect them all.

Yeah. People always go, “Dude how many of these things are you going to get?” And I’m like, “All of them, duh.” (Via Vice)

I know that people are looking at Beitz and wondering what the hell would drive someone to work toward such a bizarre goal, but I have to admit that I think this is pretty awesome, because if it makes the guy happy and he’s not hurting anyone, then more power to him. The one question that I’m upset that Georgia Perry failed to ask, though – and I strongly urge you to read the entire interview, because Beitz has some thoughts on capitalism and Freud as well – is why he’s just settling for Speed? Why not Speed 2: Cruise Control as well? Is that the goal for after he accomplishes the first plan? Will he purchase his own boat to make it look like the cruise ship from Speed 2 or, like most of us, does he not recognize the existence of the sequel, because it was stupid to replace Keanu Reeves?

There are so many questions yet to be asked. Especially, does he really bathe in his copies of Speed? Because that’s not really bathing.

Filed under: Film Drunk Tagged: collections, collectors, kickstarter, kickstarter projects, RYAN BEITZ, SPEED, VHS, VHS TAPES, VICE, WTF

Imagine if Stepbrothers and Casa De Mi Padre groped each other at the office Christmas party and you basically get Border Guards, a new film from Adam McKay starring Will Ferrell and my favorite actor in the world, John C. Reilly.

The studio has closed a deal with Oscar-nominated In The Loop writer Jesse Armstrong to pen Border Guards. It’s a comedy that McKay is eyeing to direct, with Ferrell and Reilly playing two hapless but earnest friends who decide to give purpose to their lives by protecting America’s borders from illegal immigrants. In the process they find themselves accidentally stranded in Mexico without identification and must sneak back into the U.S. [Deadline]

Stepbrothers was about as close as you can get to “a film about nothing,” a series of sketches loosely stitched together that mostly worked because Ferrell and Reilly are two of the greatest comedic improv actors in the world, especially when they’re together. In the Loop, by contrast, is mostly about understated acting and devastatingly vulgar one-liners. It’s kind of a weird marriage. It could prove Will Ferrell’s versatility, or it could be like trying to combine caviar and marshmallows. But if they could combine boats and hoes…

Does this mean we could be seeing… boots and hoes?

Filed under: Film Drunk Tagged: Adam McKay, BORDER GUARDS, JESSE ARMSTRONG, JOHN C. REILLY, SONY, WILL FERRELL

I miss Dexter. Or more specifically, I miss the idea of Dexter. No show in recent memory has gone from being as unanimously beloved to widely hated as Showtime’s serial killer drama, and I’ve honestly grown fond of the way it brought people together. No matter your beliefs, we all could agree on one thing: Dexter was terrible. And now you can see just how bad it became in visual form, thanks to Graph TV.

Graph TV attempts to graph tv show ratings by episode. Assigns a different color to each season and generates a simple linear regression from the ratings given to episodes each season. Each point on the graph displays the episode title, rating, and other data and is clickable to reach its IMDb. (Via)

Here are some notable shows with dramatic rises and tragic falls (so, Dexter).

Breaking Bad

The Office

The Simpsons

Lost

Scrubs

Dexter

Community

Via Graph TV

Pat Robertson is still kicking and hosting The 700 Club from time to time, despite his advanced age and numerous bullsh*t claims about natural disasters. He’s one of my favorite forms of entertainment and the last of a dying breed, making bold proclamations about demons and the end of the world while telling weak willed men to send their wives to Saudi Arabia so they’ll listen better. He’s a real peach.

The video above provides a perfect recent example of his demon fascination, as Robertson attempts to explain to a lowly viewer how the darkness is able to enter our lives through a viewing of x-rated features and the “macabre” parts of our media. I’m assuming that was the big meaning behind “darkness becomes you” on True Detective. From The Raw Story:

The TV preacher pointed out that he doubted demons had caused the car crash in this case, but it was possible.

“A few years ago I heard about a teenage girl who was demon possessed, and people began to deal with the demon and try to cast it out,” he recalled. “And you know what the demon said? ‘I had permission.’ And the permission was granted when this child had gone to some double-X-rated movie, or whatever it was, and had allowed this thing to come into her.”

“I know this sounds kind of otherworldly, but that’s the way it is,” the televangelist insisted. “So, could it have happened to you? Yes. I don’t think it did, but could have.”

If porno and horror movies are allowing demons into our lives, I’m f*cked. I’m shocked I haven’t wrecked my car, killed my dog, gone to prison and mixed my colors with my whites at this point. The fact that I’m not walking around with a bunch of pink underwear must mean that my demon is quite patient.

Or maybe it is not there yet, which is understandable. We did just find out the identity of that Duke Co-Ed porn star after all,  and with the things people search for daily on the internet, demons are probably working overtime.

In the end, my main curiosity with Robertson and his exclusive club is how he fools these folks into working for him. What is going through the mind of his co-host when he goes on a tangent about macaroni and cheese or Buddha? Are they like him or are they just trying to wait him out and ascend to his throne?

Better get comfortable. Pat Robertson is the Avon Barksdale of the religious pundit world and “the king stay the king” as they say.

(Via The Raw Story)

Researching the most-searched terms or phrases is always a terrifying journey into our civilization’s collective moronic id. It can feel alien and strangely revealing simultaneously, such as the porn-search live scroll, or the regional map of most-searched porn terms. Obviously the Oscars aren’t nearly as revealing as that, but when 44 million people all watch the same thing, it’s interesting to get a peek into the collective stream of consciousness.

The Hollywood Reporter has published some of the most-searched terms:

Top 5 Oscar-Related Questions During the Show

1. Who presented with Matthew McConaughey?

2. Who is Jennifer Lawrence Dating?

3. When is Kerry Washington due?

4. What is Dallas Buyers Club about?

5. How many times has Leonardo DiCaprio been nominated?

Top 5 Oscar-Related Searches and Questions at Show’s End

1. Jared Leto

2. How old is Sidney Poitier?

3. Lupita Nyong’o

4. Ellen Twitter selfie

5. Pink “Somwhere Over the Rainbow”

The answers to these questions are Kim Novak, Nicholas Hoult, Soon, a straight guy that gets diagnosed with AIDs and starts smuggling in not-yet-approved AIDs drugs for fellow patients (our review), Four (the first being What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, in 1994), Jared Leto, 87, Lupita Nyong’o, This, and “did you mean ‘Pink Somewhere Over the Rainbow’?”, respectively.

I’m actually shocked that nothing was mean or perverse and only one thing was misspelled. You mean to tell me that the vast majority of the public knows the correct spelling of “McConaughey?” I mean, I do, but I type it roughly 37 times a day. Anyway, my point is that this all seems strangely mature for a system that, as comedian Matt Lieb‘s world famous “how come” game shows us, nets “How come guys get boners” for “How come g…”

Clearly this needs to be movie. 

Hollywood, desperate for another excuse to line up two CGI armies and have them fight Lord of the Rings style, has announced they’re planning to tap Magic: The Gathering for their next major fantasy movie series. Hmmmm.

Listen, Magic: The Gathering is a fun game! I spent an inordinate amount of time and money on it during my teenage years, but it’s not like there’s any particularly well-defined lore behind it all. Okay, well, there sort of is, but I’ve never met anyone who cared about it. But then, that’s probably what Hollywood likes about the game — nobody’s going to complain about the story, because who keeps track of that stuff? Basically, to Hollywood Magic is just a thousand little pieces of concept art to inspire its CGI army.   

Anyways, it’s 20th Century Fox that’s snagged the Magic rights, and they’re hoping to turn it into a major Harry Potter or LoTR level phenomenon. Fox has already enlisted Simon Kinberg (writer/producer of the recent X-Men movies and uh, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) as writer/mastermind of the new series.

So, will you have to watch the movie 10-minutes at a time by buying booster packs? Also, will there be different versions of the movie based on the different colors of Magic cards? I’ll be damned if I’m watching a Magic: The Gathering movie starring Red or Green characters — Blue and Black fo’ life.

via The Hollywood Reporter

I think my two favorite things in the world are North Korean propaganda and Church-produced movie synopses. On the latter note, The Lock In, a new found-footage style horror film from Holy Moly pictures, follows a group of church teens as they inadvertently release an evil demon when they bring a filthy porno mag into the house of God during a church “lock in.” I’ve never been to a church lock in, but I for one am happy that for once someone isn’t being facetious when they describe the holiness of moly.

Thank you, Jesus, for this press release, may I drink of your blood and consume your wafer flesh forever and ever amen.

Holy Moly Pictures has announced the release date for The Lock In, a Christian found footage horror film about pornography to be released January 9th, 2014.

Imagine your life being torn apart and the very wiring of your brain being changed by a seemingly innocent prank. This is what happens when three teenage boys are terrorized by demon activity after a “dirty magazine” is snuck into an overnight church event called a lock in. During the lock in, members of the youth group are “locked in” the church to have fun, play games, and get to know one another. In spite of the youth pastor’s attempt to intervene, the boys must come to terms with the pornographic images themselves in order to be truly freed from the demon.

Movies have always been a good medium to highlight social issues. Pornography is a growing epidemic in the church community for men, women, and children with most of the underage victims being exposed in a place thought to be safe. The producers of the film hope that not only will it be entertaining, it will also be used as a tool for conversations about the dangers of pornography and the importance of being aware.

Want to see the trailer? Of course you do.

The demon is a metaphor for the true damage pornography can have in the lives of youth. There are never graphic or pornographic images shown in the movie. The producers of the film felt that it was important to tell a Christian story about real issues but to keep the images family friendly so anyone could be entertained without fear of exposure to questionable pictures. [MMDNewswire]

Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, padre, you’re telling me the demon is a “metaphor?” Look, bro, I didn’t start watching this church movie to live in a land nuance and subjectivity, NOW MAKE WITH THE FLAMING SWORDS AND BRIMSTONE!

They’re right about porn releasing the demons though. But wait, don’t people already know this? I thought that was the whole point of porno. OUT, FOUL SPIRITS! (*yelling at penis*) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! (*watches Faye Reagan video*) (*head spins 360 degrees, pukes on floor, ejaculates, cleans up with holy water*) Oh God, that was good, I need a cigarette.