Jim.bray

I couldn't stand it. I was sitting through the lightning delay during Sunday Night Football and so many people were tweeting and salivating over Breaking Bad that I began to feel sick to my stomach over never having watched it. Jesus could have appeared in the flesh and it wouldn't have generated such an enthusiastic response from the masses. Sure, He's the son of God, BUT HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE WHAT WALT DID THIS TIME I'LL NEVER GET OVER IT! The fervor is so strong that TV critic Alan Sepinwall had his appendix removed on Sunday and still felt obligated to watch the show AND write a recap that night. People want desperately to believe they are watching something momentous—that they didn't waste their time on anything less than the greatest show ever devised. And so they're willing to go to extreme measures to be part of that phenomenon.

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Joss Whedon fans have a tendency to be so obnoxious that they can overshadow Whedon himself, who, as he proves in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, often has some interesting things to say. For instance, you know those cutesy, winky fan handjob scenes that say little more than “remember that?!?” that populate so many films these days? Especially sequels and reboots and properties with a built-in fanbase? Well, Joss Whedon doesn’t like them either. He mentions a scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom as the seminal example.

“A movie has to be complete within itself; it can’t just build off the first one or play variations. You know that thing in Temple of Doom where they revisit the shooting trick? … That’s what you don’t want. And I feel that’s what all of culture is becoming — it’s becoming that moment.” [HuffPo]

He’s speaking, of course, of the scene where Indy is confronted by sword-wielding bad guys, and reaches for his gun to shoot them like he did in Raiders of the Lost Ark, only this time the gun isn’t there and he smiles. Mike Ryan at Huffington Post has a thorough breakdown of why the scene doesn’t work, but the gist is that it only makes sense as a wink to the audience and does nothing to advance the actual scene (for one thing, Temple of Doom was supposed to be a prequel, so what was Indy smiling about? the memory of something that hasn’t happened yet?).

Whedon, whose Avengers sequel, Age of Ulton, is scheduled for 2015, also fielded questions about Twilight. Sure, why not.

“A small part of you is like: ‘Well, you know, I did that first. I liked that band before they were popular,’” he says. “The thing about Buffy for me is–on a show-by-show basis–are there female characters who are being empowered, who are driving the narrative? The Twilight thing and a lot of these franchise attempts coming out, everything rests on what this girl will do, but she’s completely passive, or not really knowing what the hell is going on. And that’s incredibly frustrating to me because a lot of what’s taking on the oeuvre of Buffy, is actually a reaction against it. Everything is there — except for the Buffy. A lot of things aimed at the younger kids is just Choosing Boyfriends: The Movie.” [EW]

I never watched Buffy, because, you know… why… and I agree with him about Twilight, but is it just me, or is it kind of ballsy to point out the lack of strong female characters in a property that, unlike yours, was actually written by a woman? It’d be a little like Tarantino saying he sets a more positive example for the black community than Tyler Perry.

Anyway, Whedon is an interesting interview, which is more than you can say for most people. You always wonder what’s going on in that planetarium-sized skull of his. He’s a hero to everyone who’s ever been affected by Mr. Burns’ nerve tonic.

Maybe my favorite podcast after This American Life (which is regularly as good or better as almost anything on television) is the How Did This Get Made? podcast, something I actually didn’t come into until a couple of months ago because of my love for The League, although I’ve spent a lot of time since then going back through the last two years of archives. It features Paul Scheer (The League, NTSF:SD:SUV:), his wife June Diane Raphael (who, in addition to starring in NTSF:SD:SUV:, is the writing partner of Happy Endings’s Casey Wilson) and Jason Mantzoukas, who plays Rafi from The League. Each week, they usually bring in a special guest, and they basically spend an hour crapping on the worst movies of all time, from From Justin to Kelly to Over the Top to Gymkata. It is goddamn hilarious, and at times, fascinating, too (a few weeks ago, they brought in ESPN’s fantasy football analyst Matthew Berry to discuss Crocodile Dundee 3, for which Berry wrote the screenplay, and who called its star, Paul Hogan, “a terrible person”).

How Did This Get Made? is brilliant on a couple of levels: It’s the podcast equivalent of Mystery Science Theater, except you can listen to it on your commute. However, you also weirdly end up learning a lot fun facts about the movies, about the technical aspects of the films, the industry as a whole, and you get to hear Jason Mantzoukas riff for an hour. He’s basically just like Rafi minus the psychosis, which is to say: F**king hysterical. What really makes the podcast gel, however, is Raphael, who, more often than not, has a guilty affection for the horrible, terrible movies they cover.

I can’t encourage you enough to check it out. You can start with the most recent episode, in which The League’s Jon Lajole (Taco) joins them to discuss The Glimmer Man, and them make your way through the archives (the recent episode on Gymkata is classic).

In the meantime, if you want a small taste for what you can expect from the podcast, I’ve taken the liberty of blurbing a few choice quotes from several of the podcasts onto movie posters, the way it should be. I think all of the quotes, actually, are from Mantzoukas, so they’re even better if you can imagine him saying them.

I am so awkwardly fascinated by this video. I must break it down. I must understand. For it is as though an alien landed upon this planet and threw a party made of fancy as learned from books and public television and fashion show audience pictures and said "now everyone look like you're having fun!"

Gwyneth dancing.

Cameron Diaz is completely losing her shit she is so excited to be there.

Gwnyeth Paltrow is completely losing her shit that this kid (Apple?) in a lion mask did a somersault and so is the whole party and for that alone this child will never be able to experience failure normally.

"I'm better than the poor!"

The children are childrening to Gwyneth's exact specifications.

Croquet and other "lawn games."

Thin people.

Purses.

Bored fedora children.

The rarest site this side of Bigfoot: Chris Martin actually attending something related to his wife.

Paul McCartney doing a jaunty kick.

And it all ends with an incredibly long tepid kiss betwixt Gwyneth and Stella McCartney. This video is what will play in my brain's screensaver.

(YouTube)

North Korea has hilarious propaganda, but it’s important to remember that all of it rests on fear of a regime that’s legitimately terrifying. Case in point: according to recent reports, Hyon Song-wol (pictured), a North Korean singer rumored to be an ex-lover of Kim Jong-un, was executed by firing squad after being arrested on pornography charges August 17th. I’m told that, trying to copy Western pornography, the filmmakers simply misinterpreted the directive to “line up a bunch of guys and have them shoot on her.” (Worst sentence I’ve ever written? Possibly.)

From The Telegraph:

The reports in South Korea’s Chosun Ilbo newspaper indicate that Hyon, a singer with the Unhasu Orchestra, was among those arrested on August 17 for violating domestic laws on pornography.

All 12 were machine-gunned three days later, with other members of North Korea’s most famous pop groups and their immediate families forced to watch. The onlookers were then sent to prison camps, victims of the regime’s assumption of guilt by association, the reports stated.

Jesus, I’m surprised they didn’t shoot the people who dug the graves.

Hyon’s band was responsible for a string of patriotic hits in North Korea, including “Footsteps of Soldiers,” “I Love Pyongyang,” “She is a Discharged Soldier” and “We are Troops of the Party.” Her popularity reportedly peaked in 2005 with the song “Excellent Horse-Like Lady.”

Damn you, North Korea. Even in a story about mass executions, I can’t help but laugh at “Excellent Horse-Like Lady.” North Korea leads the world in tragicomedy.

The 12 who were executed were singers, musicians or dancers with the Hyon’s band,, the Unhasu Orchestra or the Wanghaesan Light Music Band and were accused of making videos of themselves performing sex acts and then selling the recordings. [A story few North Korean experts believe, saying the executions were more than likely political.]

Kim Jong-un, who became leader of North Korea after the sudden death of his father in December 2011, is believed to have met Hyon about 10 years ago and struck up a relationship.

His father, Kim Jong-il, did not approve of the relationship and ordered him to break it off. Hyon subsequently married an officer in the North Korean military and reportedly had a baby, although there are suggestions that Hyon continued to see Kim after her marriage.

Kim’s wife, Ri Sol-ju, was also a member of the Unhasu Orchestra before marriage and one theory is that Ri objected to the continuing high profile of her husband’s former girlfriend.

The theory was slightly undermined, however, when the guy who floated it was drowned in a cement cube and dropped into a volcano.

Kim Chol, vice minister of the army, was executed with a mortar round in October 2012.

Kim Chol was reportedly executed for drinking and carousing during the official mourning period after Kim Jong-il’s death.

On the explicit orders of Kim Jong-un to leave “no trace of him behind, down to his hair,” according to South Korean media, Kim Chol was forced to stand on a spot that had been zeroed in for a mortar round and “obliterated.”

So, who wants to argue some more about Miley Cyrus?

[Related Viewing: Check out The Red Chapel, from the guy who did The Ambassador. It's very creepy and depressing.]

After the Boston Bruins lost the NHL championship to the Chicago Blackhawks Monday night, fans consoled themselves with porn, according to stats from PornHub. You might not have a Stanley Cup win, but you always have amateur adult films!

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Incredibly, Warner/Chappel music continues to collect royalties on the use of “Happy Birthday,” despite many people pointing out that it should be considered public domain (not to mention common sense screaming the same thing). Even the copyright itself says it’s more than 100 years old. Finally, a new lawsuit is challenging Happy Birthday’s protected status, saying it should’ve been public domain long ago. And the people filing the suit should know, they’re working on a documentary about it.

The proposed class action is brought by a film company that is working on a documentary about the “Happy Birthday” song. During the making, the producers were informed that they would need to pay a $1,500 synchronization license fee to use the song in the documentary. The producers paid for fear of being liable for up to $150,000 in penalties for copyright infringement.

But now, Good Morning to You Productions Corp. has filed a lawsuit on behalf of all those in film, television and elsewhere who are paying for rights to “Happy Birthday.” The plaintiff aims to force Warner/Chappell Music to return millions of dollars collected over the years for what the lawsuit calls “the world’s most popular song.”

When the Hill sisters first composed the song in 1893, it was called “Good Morning to All.” Somewhere along the line the tune evolved into the version that is currently popular. The song has traditionally been regarded as copyrighted because the lyrics appeared in a songbook in 1924 and a piano arrangement was published in 1935. As such, it would neatly fit into changes in copyright law that conferred a lengthy 95 years of protection for works created after 1923. Had the songbook been published any earlier, there wouldn’t be any question  as to whether a license fee was needed when, for example, Marilyn Monroe sang it to John F. Kennedy in 1962.

Now, the documentary film company says it has “irrefutable documentary evidence, some dating back to 1893, [which] shows that the copyright to ‘Happy Birthday,’ if there ever was a valid copyright to any part of the song, expired no later than 1921 and that if defendant Warner/Chappell owns any rights to ‘Happy Birthday,’ those rights are limited to the extremely narrow right to reproduce and distribute specific piano arrangements for the song published in 1935.”

As evidence, the lawsuit cites a January 1901 edition of an Indiana school journal that described children singing the words “happy birthday to you.” And then, in what the plaintiffs might hope will become a smoking gun, there’s citation to a copy of a 1911 work published by the Board of Sunday Schools of the Methodist Episcopal Church. [THR]

It’s truly amazing that people have been able to collect licensing fees for “Happy Birthday” all these years. Anyone trying to argue that it isn’t public domain should get laughed out of court. Actually, after they’re done paying off all the people they squeezed money from, they should have to learn the words to every chain restaurant’s crappy happy birthday knock-off song that they had to invent to avoid paying royalties, and sing them all to the plaintiffs every year on their birthdays.

Whenever two comedians get into a fight on Twitter, my “FAKE FAKE PUBLICITY STUNT FAKE FAKE” alarm goes off, especially when said comedians recently released books, as Marc Maron and Michael Ian Black did. Then again, Maron and Ian Black aren’t big fans of one another — check out their recent chat on Gothamist as proof. But even if their online squabblings — which began a short time ago when Maron tweteed, “I guess if everything is garbage principles are stupid” and Ian Black responded, “So you watched your show, huh?” — isn’t real, it’s still pretty amusing.

Not recommended for people with daddy “hates himself as much as he loves suits” issues. Might be too real.

The winner: Louis C.K.

(Via Storify)

The post ‘How Do Your Wife And Kids Handle You?’: Marc Maron And Michael Ian Black Got Into A Fight On Twitter appeared first on UPROXX.

Have you ever been watching Game of Thrones and wondering, “What would it sound like if the scenes with Jon Snow training for the Night’s Watch had been set to classic 80s movie training music?” Well, wonder no more, fellow fans of George R.R. Martin’s beloved fantasy series turned TV hit, because thanks to the wonders of YouTube, we finally have it.

YouTube user “Magooch86” set some of Jon Snow’s fanciest fighting moves to one of the songs from the Rad soundtrack and the result is pretty spectacular.

A lot of people might complain that this wasn’t set to the Karate Kid song “You’re the Best”, written and performed by the legendary Joe Esposito, but I think the Rad selection is, well, rad.

Also, be sure to check out Magooch86’s edit of Ross Geller becoming the forefather of dubsteb. It’s awesome because Ross is the worst TV character ever.

If there’s one constant in the world, it’s that militaristic strongmen love crappy action movies. So it is that Steven Seagal is good buddies with both Vladimir Putin and Ramzan Kadyrov, the strongman ruler of the Chechen province charged with putting down the strong Islamic and separatist insurgency there. A delegation of US congressmen recently visited the region to see if they could learn anything about the radical Islamism that may have helped spawn the Boston Marathon bombings. Amazingly, when they got there, they had some of their meetings with the Russian security apparatus set up by Steven Seagal, the old poonani lover himself. As it turns out, the leaders accused of human rights abuses are actually totally righteous dudes, according to some congressmen who spent a few days partying with them and Steven Seagal.

The congressman (Dana Rohrbacher, a California Republican, pictured) repeatedly thanked Seagal, who took credit for arranging the congressmen’s meeting at the FSB, and said it helped avoid the experience of past foreign trips when all of the meetings had been arranged by the U.S. Embassy.

“You know what we got? We got the State Department controlling all the information that we heard,” Rohrabacher said. “You think that’s good for democracy? No way!”

“We don’t need the State Department controlling the information we see, that’s bad for democracy!  We need the information controlled by the counter-intelligence wing of the repressive Russian government!”

The action movie star escorted the congressmen on a trip Saturday to the site of a terrorist attack in the Caucasus town of Beslan, where militants seized a school in 2004 and took more than 1,000 people hostage, most of them children. More than 330 hostages died, most of them when federal troops stormed the school.

Seagal had invited the delegation to visit Chechnya, but the trip was called off in part because U.S. House rules would have prevented the congressmen from flying on his private plane, Rohrabacher said.

The Kremlin has given Kadyrov lavish funding and political carte blanche to fight terrorism since he came to power in 2005. Activists accuse him and his feared security forces of staggering abuses, including torture, kidnappings and murder.

“All these accusations are thrown around,” said Seagal, who was given a lavish welcome in Kadyrov’s palace. “Is there any evidence? Has he been indicted?”

“Seriously, I’m genuinely curious. I don’t even know where I am right now, or when.”

Steve Cohen, a Tennessee Democrat said he had refused to go to Chechnya for these reasons. But Rohrabacher, who chairs the U.S. Foreign Affairs’ Subcommittee on Europe, Eurasia and Emerging Threats, said the United States should be more understanding of the threats facing Kadyrov and Putin.

“If you are in the middle of an insurrection with Chechnya, and hundreds of people are being killed and there are terrorist actions taking place and kids are being blown up in schools, yeah, guess what, there are people who overstep the bounds of legality,” he said.

While the rule of law is important, Rohrabacher added, “We shouldn’t be describing people who are under this type of threat, we shouldn’t be describing them as if they are Adolf Hitler or they’re back to the old Communism days.”

Rohrabacher and Rep. Steve King were full of praise for Russian Orthodox Christian traditions after attending a service at Moscow’s main cathedral on Sunday morning. The cathedral became a rallying point for Putin supporters and the opposition alike last year when punk group Pussy Riot staged an impromptu protest against Putin’s merging of church and state, earning them worldwide notoriety and a two-year prison sentence for “hooliganism.”

“It’s hard to find sympathy for people who would do that to people’s faith,” King said.

So, freedom of speech = bad, Russian government repression = justified. Weren’t these the same guys who had a big boner for Red Dawn not so long ago? The amazing thing is that when the congressmen were talking, you could barely see Putin’s lips move, or his hand up their asses. Anyhoo, what else did you guys find out about the radicalism of the Boston bombers, since that was the point of your big trip…

The head of a U.S. congressional delegation [Rohrbacher] said Sunday that its meetings in Russia showed there was “nothing specific” that could have helped prevent the Boston Marathon bombings.

Rep. Steve King said Russian security officials told the delegation they believed that Tsarnaev and his mother had been radicalized before moving to the United States in 2003. “I suspect he was raised to do what he did,” said King, a Republican from Iowa.

His account of the meeting at the FSB, the successor to the Soviet-era KGB, was disputed by Rep. Steven Cohen, a Tennessee Democrat, who said he understood that the radicalization took place much later, when the family was living in Boston. [AP]

So, “nothing specific” and two guys who disagree on the facts of the case. Neat. It’s pretty bad when I get handed a story about Steven Seagal in Russia, and the congressmen say such dumb things that I don’t even have time to make fun of Steven Seagal and his ridiculous facial hair. At this point, I really do think we’d be better off replacing congress with golden retrievers.

In conclusion, here’s Steven Seagal doing a traditional Chechen dance.

Ahhh, I needed that.

[pictures via Philly.com, TPM]

M. Night Shyamalan’s Smith family picture After Earth hits theaters today, and because it’s an M. Night Shyamalan movie, or, I suspect, because it’s not very good, the reviews have been quite negative. Actually, for every 10 reviews, there’s about seven negative, and three devil’s advocate, here’s-why-it’s-not-as-bad-as-everyone-else-says reviews. I tend to believe our friend Laremy’s succinct statement on the matter, because out of all the critics, he’s the cutest (sorry, Kyle Smith):

“After Earth is f*cking terrible, Jaden Smith is not an actor, Will Smith is not a father, and the whole thing is this extended chase scene in which you want the kid to die horribly because all he does is cry like a little bitch about everything. At one point the person next to me said, “C’mon kid, just sack up”. Now if they’d called the film that, I’d have been in.”

It’d be easy to just compile some mean quotes about Jaden’s acting, but it’s too easy. It’s no fun piling on. Instead, I thought we’d use the negative reviews to do what we’ve done a few times before: cobble together the plot and let you decide for yourself. So here it is, everything I learned about After Earth, using nothing but review quotes.

A thousand years ago, we learn, humans fled the Earth after rendering what was once a paradise uninhabitable. They now reside on “Nova Prime…” (Vulture)

…where they wear a lot of white and decorate their homes with flowing sailcloths. (NY Times)

…where all garments and surfaces are dominated by a curious honeycomb pattern, and where we eat our meals with implements that resemble three Lucite chopsticks joined at one end. (Slate)

“After Earth” opens with a teenager, Kitai Raige (Jaden Smith), washing out from some kind of ranger academy. It’s a bummer because all he wants to do is please his father, Cypher (Will Smith). (NY Times)

(Nova Prime) wasn’t a hospitable place at first, as they were hunted by ferocious predators, blind but able to smell fear. Only a great soldier who’d learned to control that emotion was able to help vanquish them. -NJ.com

Daddy Dearest has risen having honed tremendous self-control and a useful protective technique, “ghosting,” which renders him invisible to the monsters plaguing human civilization: the nonbearlike Ursa. -NY Times

Cypher and Kitai are having trouble connecting, because dad is always out stomping around, secreting nothing but machismo and Old Spice. To alleviate the growing distance between them, Cypher brings Kitai along on a training mission, that, you guessed it, goes horribly wrong. (Film.com)

A debris storm downs Kitai and Cypher’s spaceship and they fall to Earth… (NY Times)

…in a smashup that looks like someone decorated the set with wet toilet paper and plastic wrap. (NY Times)

…severely injuring (Cypher) and freeing one of those captive monsters.  (NJ.com)

What they need now is a signal beacon to summon help. Unfortunately, this key piece of equipment has been hurled about a hundred kilometers away. Kitai must go fetch it, and it won’t be easy. As Cypher tells his son, “Everything on this planet has evolved to kill humans.” (Reason.com)

They trade bitter words, clench their jaws and hold back the tears amid long pauses and inert action scenes. (NY Times)

The bad news is: Dad was seriously injured in the crash, and Kitai is a young, impulsive and untested kid. The good news? Kitai’s form-fitting space suit — which looks like steampunk long johns outfitted with a bicycle-seat-shaped backpack — is made with high-tech “smart fabric.” (WaPo)

…that alerts him to danger by turning black, or to toxins by turning white. (Film.com)

Equipped with sensors, video camera and microphone, Kitai sets out, his every move monitored and dictated by the general, an emotionally remote but controlling father if ever there was one. (WashingtonPost)

Kitai spends much of the movie running around in a panic, waving his little arms at predators and shouting, “Leave me alone!” (WaPo)

“I can do it myself, Dad! I don’t need your help!” (Film.com)

Jaden’s approach to his role is the exact opposite of his father’s — and just as wrong. He overacts. He makes faces. He yells a lot. And, unfortunately, unlike Dad, he speaks in a slurry mumble — “aw-duh” for “order,” “cow-ud” for “coward” — that makes him sound like Elmer Fudd. (NJ.com)

Once Cypher and Kitai’s communications go dead, the elder Smith has precious little to do in the film, other than attempt some self-surgery on one of his injured legs. While he waits, Kitai forges on, fending off attacks from a venomous snake, a pack of angry monkeys… (WaPo)

…a beastie that resembles a living booger… (TimeOutNY)

a very large tarantula, a herd of gibbering baboons, a really big bird (reason.com)

…a pack of slavering leopard-like hyenas (Slate)

…poisonous slugs, tigers, simians, and ultimately, ugh, himself. (Film.com)

All of them look obviously fake. (WaPo)

The real threat, however, comes from a nasty alien critter… (WaPo)

…a non-native Ursa that happened to be onboard their spaceship and seems destined (i.e., studio-programmed) to meet up with Kitai on top of a fiery mountain at the precise instant when the potential for salvation is upon him. (Vulture)

Kitai’s cool-as-a-cucumber father is famous for his fearlessness — enabling him to effectively become invisible to the monsters. But Kitai has yet to learn this skill, called “ghosting.” (WaPo)

Cypher knows how to boss Kitai around, but he just doesn’t know how to say, “I love you.” (WaPo)

In the last half-hour, after Kitai slips the bounds of his father’s tech-assisted overparenting, the movie gives full voice to its animating philosophy, which resides somewhere at the convergence point of Life of Pi, Dianetics, and Stuart Smalley’s daily affirmations. Fear is not real; be in the now; you had the power in you all along. In the climactic scene, cut off from communication with Cypher, Kitai performs a kind of channeling act in which his father’s voice, now internalized as his own common sense, talks him toward a solution which I won’t detail except to say that it involves some of the most triumphantly phallic use of technology since Luke Skywalker first brandished a lightsaber. (Slate)

As always, finding a conclusion to a post like this is tough, because by nature, reviews tend not to detail the movie’s ending. But approximately 85 percent of the reviews I read concluded with a statement about how Jaden Smith is no action star.

I think this one was my favorite:

Even with his charismatic dad in his earpiece calling the shots, Jaden can’t turn himself into a movie star by sheer force of Will. (Slate)

Oh, I see what you did there. And I like it.

[NY Times, NJ.com, Vulture, Slate, Timeout, WashingtonPost, Film.com]

For New York’s Television Issue, I wrote a feature about The Persistent Cult of Arrested Development. I could write about “Arrested Development" every hour, every day, for months.

(I also wrote a piece on George Bluth for Bloomberg Businessweek.) We’re less than two weeks away from new episodes. I think I just blue myself.

All this time, I thought Will Smith was more of a milquetoast dildo, but as his recent interview with Vulture illustrates, he also has elements of the Existential Buffoon as well. Will Smith contains multitudes.

I’ve read that you believe life can be understood through patterns.
Will: I’m a student of patterns. At heart, I’m a physicist. I look at everything in my life as trying to find the single equation, the theory of everything.

Do you see patterns too, Jaden?
Jaden: I think that there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation.
Will: I agree with that.
Jaden: It’s beyond mathematical. It’s, like, multidimensional mathematical, if you can sort of understand what I’m saying.

I don’t think these two are as dumb as say, Tyrese, or Stallone (your prototypical existential buffoons), but it takes a special kind of person that will jump right into their theories of “multidimensional mathematics” while out promoting a movie about an Earth “where humans haven’t set foot in a thousand years, where everything has evolved to kill humans.”

Pardon me if I don’t take notes on your amateur string theory, guy-who-chose-an-M-Night-Shyamalan-movie-over-Tarantino.

You and Jaden have acted in two movies together, including After Earth. Are you planning on a third?
Will: If you were a student of the pattern, you’d have to say we’re going to do another one.
Jaden: I definitely would do another one, absolutely. You know, how Johnny Depp and Tim Burton always do movies together, Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio? We’ll have a relationship like that.

Wait, is Leonardo DiCaprio one of Martin Scorsese’s dumb wiener kids? More people should hear about this, that sounds like big news.

It’s been reported that you might be dating Kylie Jenner. The Kardashians have treated their fame as the family business. Do you guys see yourselves as similar or different?
[Will, laughing, holds up his hand for Jaden not to speak.]

Jaden: I’m trying to understand.
Will: Don’t. You know, he’s never had to, to deal with those kinds of questions.

Well, forget the Kardashians … maybe you could just …

Will: [Mimicking] “So how do you think your life is similar or un-similar to people’s names in Calabasas?” For our family, the entire structure of our life, our home, our business relationships—the entire purpose is for everyone to be able to create in a way that makes them happy. Fame is almost an inconsequential by-product of what we’re really trying to accomplish. We are trying to put great things into the world, we’re trying to have fun, and we’re trying to become the greatest versions of ourselves in the process of doing things we love. So the idea of fame or exploitation or orchestrating the media is sometimes even less than desirable for us.

“I can’t imagine orchestrating the media,” he said while deftly deflecting an undesirable question, presenting a unified front, and providing a rehearsed statement outlining the family talking points. “I’m just me. If you don’t believe me, you can ask my lead North American magazine publicist, Joe, who has prepared a statement of normality.”

Will: You know, the forum of media that we’re in can’t really handle the complexity of things that we say all the time.

Indeed. Perhaps we just lack a “European sensibility.” (*inhales farts, releases line of sneakers*)

Picture Credit: Kaliva / Shutterstock.com

There’s no way in the world I’ll ever be able to top WPRI’s headline of “Pony poops in liquor store, owner upset,” so let’s just hit the facts: This Monday, on Memorial Day, a Rhode Island man brought a pony into a liquor store and the pony pooped on the floor.

“The horse walks in and all of a sudden he starts doing his thing all over the floor. He seemed a little disengaged with what was going on around him, because he didn’t have a clue his horse even did that. I was very puzzled,” said the store’s owner Rick Lima.

Shock and surprise by workers and customers quickly turned into a minor dispute with the animal’s owner. Police arrived to the store a short time later and located the man outside.

The animal’s owner returned to the store to clean up the mess. [WPRI]

[presses play on boombox]

I’m just a bachelor
I’m looking for some liquor
Something for us to sip on
Maybe even some mixers

But it’s a long ass walk
Takes me to my limits
Girl Imma bring my horse
I promise that you won’t want to get off

If your thirsty, let’s do it
Ride it, my pony
That floor looks … empty
He gon’ … poop on it

If your thirsty, let’s do it
Ride it, my pony
That floor looks … empty
He gon’ … poop on it

Pony poops in liquor store, owner upset

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e-mu e6400 – $250
/w extra midi io card and keyboard input. 128mb ram.

If that’s not the coolest fucking keyboard in the world then I don’t know what is. You know how they say some people are visual learners and others are tactile and verbal and all that? Well I’ve always been visual. I need to see something to understand it. You can tell me stuff until your blue in the face but it doesn’t matter. “Nord lead with 12 voices” sounds cool. So does the “k2vx with 128mb ram and a scsi zip drive with a few blank disks.” Sounds fucking really sweet. But how can I really know that this is the kinda keyboard that will make me look Badass? Pic like that, that’s how. Sold.

PS – never before have I seen a bedframe that says “chicks have willingly and/or unwillingly been handcuffed here” quite like that one does.

Pic via PacificCoastNews.com

Despite looking like a wiry speed freak who drinks hair gel and snorts embalming fluid, Brian Grazer is one of the biggest-name producers in town, and normally the type of guy who lets his movies do the talking. But today it’s starting to make a lot more sense that he hangs around with Brett Ratner.

Sidenote: Is this the best TMZ headline of all time?

‘Apollo 13′ Producer Brian Grazer — Fatass Man-Nanny Made My Kids Racist
Legendary producer Brian Grazer wants to strip his ex-wife of nanny-hiring powers — claiming the last “manny” she hired was a fat slob who turned their kids into little racists.
Grazer — who divorced his wife Gigi back in 2009 — filed the declaration in new legal docs, claiming the 20-something-year-old man she hired to look after their sons (aged 9 and 13) was the worst possible influence imaginable.
According to the docs, the manny in question was terribly educated, disrespectful toward Grazer and others, used extremely foul language and was also a racist.
Grazer says the manny resigned a few weeks ago, but Grazer still believes the bad habits have rubbed off on his kids.  The legal docs do not give specifics about the offensive things the manny and the kids said.
Grazer — who pays Gigi $40,000 a month in child support — also wants more visitation.

I was going to make fun of him for expecting his nanny to be educated, but for $40K a month you could hire a Harvard Professor. What do they play with in the tub, yachts?

Brian Grazer looks like exactly the kind of guy who would marry someone named “Gigi.”

The post Best Headline? “Brian Grazer: Fatass Man-Nanny Made My Kids Racist.” appeared first on FilmDrunk.

FYI, UPROXX family member Drew Magary isn’t the only one with a new book out today. No, porcupine-domed culinary terrorist Guy Fieri has a random collection of words out today, and it appears to be every bit as terrible as walking in on your girlfriend as she’s being drilled balls deep by Glenn Beck.

Thankfully, we didn’t have to read it to figure this out, but some poor schmuck at Flavorwire did. Here’s a sampling of the crap-flower prose you can find in Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives: The Funky Finds in Flavortown…

“Sometimes you pull up to a place and you just know it’s going to be good. Well, as I pulled up to Martin’s my phone rang, and it was Kid Rock’s manager telling me that Kid Rock wanted to talk about Triple D. (We rapped for about a half an hour and subsequently did the Kid Rock Triple D special.) Then I walked into the barbecue joint and met a sunburned fan who had been waiting for me all day. Next we got to chop some wood — I believe they had a Jack Daniel’s-handled splitting maul — light a big smoker, and barbecue a whole hog. If they’d thrown in a little ice cold beer and some Hank Williams Junior, I might not have left — ever.”

Don’t ever use lighter fluid — it’s un-American. Amateurs, losers, and idiots use lighter fluid. If you’ve bought this book, you are inherently none of those three things, so let’s make sure to teach others the correct way that real pitmasters start a fire.

“[On] the final leg of the Kid Rock culinary cruise, we ended up at the brewery where Kid Rock made Badass Beer. Now if you’re going to call it Badass beer it better be badass, and all I can tell you is the name fits the bill. Just like his music, the dude delivers. Not one to stray far from his roots or waver on his stance to do good for the city of Detroit, when Kid Rock’s Badass producer unexpectedly closed shop in 2012, Rock knew what to do: build a world-class brewery in the heart of the city staffed by Detroiters and supporting Detroit. Opening Summer 2013. Badass Beer: Trouble Has Been Brewed.”

“It was a lightning bolt of an idea in Flavortown that pranked the un-prankable mayor, Guy Fieri.”

“I lay claim to the knuckle sandwich… it’s my brand, my logo, hell, even my tattoo, so when I find out that two dudes in Austin have opened up a sandwich joint and one of their menu items is the knuckle sandwich, I tell you what, they’d better deliver the real deal. (jk.)”

Believe it or not, there are many more little literary abortions where that came from.

The post Guy Fieri’s New Book Appears To Be Every Bit The Literary Abortion You Thought It Would Be appeared first on UPROXX.

So a Thundershirt is this vest thing you put on your cat or dog that’s supposed to comfort it so it doesn’t get freaked out during thunderstorms. Only… it didn’t exactly work out that way for this cat. Probably the most passive-aggressive pet response ever. [via Reddit]

NOMINATE for Comments of the Week (don’t forget, prize is a signed copy of Jack Reacher this week). FOLLOW Vince on Twitter. FAN US at Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast. FUND OUR KICKSTARTER.

Morning Links
15 Reasons Why The World Is Ready For Rick Moranis To Make A Comeback |UPROXX|

Someone Made A Great Parody Of Those Incredibly Vague ‘Previously On Mad Men’ Clips |Warming Glow| 

‘Anchorman 2′ Added Yet Another Superstar Celebrity To Its List Of Cameos |Film Drunk|

Video: A Girl Chugged Beer Through Her Ear |With Leather|

Marvel’s ‘Group Hug’: See Posters For Famous Films If They Had Kept Their Working Titles |Gamma Squad|

Maxim Just Trolled The Sh*t Out Of Manti Te’o By Adding His Fake Girlfriend To Their “Hot 100″ List |Smoking Section|

Von Miller Leads The League In Chicken Tattoos |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Internet Unearths Late-’80s Footage of Martin and Charlie Sheen Beating Michael Jordan in Basketball, Again Justifies Its Existence |Grantland|

10 Badass Moms Who Deserve Their Own Holidays |Mental Floss|

Vague ‘Mad Men’ Spoilers Get Spot-On Parody |HuffPost Comedy|

The 11 People You See at the Beach |College Humor|

A preview of the summer’s non-blockbuster movies |AV Club|

Vogue Cropped Kim Kardashian Out of MET Gala Photos, Still Kept Kanye
|The Superficial|

Why “The Mindy Project” Is Everything You Wanted “Girls” To Be |Pajiba|

Judge Judy Appointed to Supreme Court |Clip Nation|

Junior High Janitor Goes Good Will Hunting with Video Game Art |Unreality|

A Comprehensive Guide to Predicting Life After High School |Brobible|

Proof Lana Del Ray Can Sing |Pop Hangover|

Mother’s Day Movie MILFs |Next Movie|

27 Signs You’ve Been an MMA Fan Too Long |Cage Potato|

The post VIDEO: This is what happens when you put a thunder shirt on a cat appeared first on FilmDrunk.

Before there was a Veronica Mars movie and Zach Braff, Kickstarter had Detroit’s Robocop statue. People on the internet decided they’d buy that for a dollar, and eventually the project raised $67,000, $17,000 more than their $50,000 goal. Some in Detroit didn’t like the idea, but I’m assuming those people have all since been murdered or frozen to death in abandoned houses. I can only imagine that the reason a Robocop statue didn’t make as much as Zach Braff is because they asked for less. Also, to be fair, $67,000 is about $6 million in Detroit money.

In any case, the full-sized model has been complete by Fred “the Robot Man” Barton, and now it’s ready to be cast in bronze. So, just as soon as the team of vagrants steal enough copper wire and tin for the bronze, it should be ready to go. I kid, Detroit, I kid.

If you wonder why Robocop doesn’t have a gun, that was addressed earlier by the planners:

Gun or no gun?

Again, going back to the reasoning along the same lines as the Superman statue. Superman has deadly heat vision, and he uses it when necessary, but the concepts and ideals that he stands for are not irrevocably tied to the use of deadly force.

Uh huh, sure. Why would a campy, cyborg icon of crypto-fascism need a weapon? I must’ve missed that scene where he had a secret compartment in his chest that doubled as a no-kill puppy shelter. Hey, why not give him a Hawaiian shirt and a drink with a little umbrella in it? Robocop carries a gun, but really he’s all about cool tunes and chill vibes, man. On the plus side, the current pose sort of looks like he’s pressing a head to his Robocrotch.

Personally, I still wish they’d incorporate FilmDrunkard Asher’s idea:

Asher says: They could also wire the statue to give off heat. Bums could sleep around the base to keep warm, and it’d look like Robocop just slaughtered a pile of hobos.

[Kickstarter, Facebook, CHUD]

The post Detroit’s Robocop Statue is Coming Together appeared first on FilmDrunk.

The trouble began the way most trouble with groundhogs tends to begin: with a group of gawking children hoping to get a closer look.

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It's been awhile since we checked in on our favorite baseball "sideline" reporter Jim Knox, but he's once again finding the weird and wondrous at Texas Rangers baseball games. Tonight? A dog that rides a scooter.

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It's a middle finger! It's a handwank! It's fun for the whole family.

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Parks & Rec and Game of Thrones are terrific television shows for very, very different reasons. While one is a light, fun comedy that almost always leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy, the other is dark and murder-y and full of dragons and scheming and human suffering. But what would happen if the people who create those worlds swapped places? Well now we know, thanks to Entertainment Weekly, who had the executive producers of Game of Thrones write up their version of a Parks & Rec episode and vice versa. You should go read the whole things, because they are essentially hilarious, professionally made fan-fic, but I’ve pulled out a few highlights for you below. Would watch. Would watch so hard.

First, a paragraph from the Parks & Rec episode Game of Thrones executive producers David Benioff and D.B. Weiss would write:

The Pawnee Avian Society, led by Councilman Jamm, strong-arms Leslie into building a park for Pawnee’s official bird, the Grizzled-Neck Pigeon. April, the Pale Woman, presides over the dedication, complete with burning garbage pyres. Ron sees a ghost (or a Tammy?) just as his handcrafted birdcage SPLINTERS, slicing Jean-Ralphio in half, breaking Tom’s legs, and rendering Jerry mute, save for his own name… “Jerry… Jerry…” Meanwhile, in Eagleton, Ann amasses a fleet of her own Grizzled-Necks, the Pigeon from the ceremony perched on her shoulder.

And now, two sentences from the Game of Thrones episode by Parks & Rec executive producers Michael Schur and Dan Goor:

As Tyrion and Varys explain the bureaucratic permit process, the prostitutes start having sex with each other.

Daenerys loses the vote 300–1. Things look bleak. Then her dragons fly around the room and set everyone on fire. She takes another vote and wins, 1–0.

This all sounds great except for one thing: LIL SEBASTIAN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

The post What Would Happen If ‘Game Of Thrones’ And ‘Parks & Rec’ Swapped Showrunners? Now We Know. appeared first on UPROXX.

Last night Charlotte-based product designer Adam Howell went to dinner at the Olive Garden, because that’s what one does for dinner on Sunday nights in Charlotte, I guess. While there, he witnessed a couple at a table near him making the case for never entering into a relationship ever, with the guy half of the couple at one point constructing a menu fort so his eyes wouldn’t have to be poisoned by the sight of the woman sitting across the table from him. We’ve all been there, no?

Howell tweeted, “A grown ass man is mad at his girlfriend at Olive Garden & has made a menu fort.” He then provided some additional play-by-play.

Fortunately for the hopeless romantics out there, there was a bit of a happy ending…

Also, I’m pretty sure that was Vinny from Jersey Shore hiding behind those menus.

The post This Is What A Terrible Date At The Olive Garden Looks Like appeared first on UPROXX.

Two takeaways: Yu Darvish is really good (notice that his release point is the same on every pitch), and hitting a baseball is really hard.

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I always like to picture sororities as places where college girls stage elaborately decorated mixers and then spend the rest of the week gouging out each other's eyes. And thankfully, the remarkable email you're about to read proves all of my theories correct. From reader Erik: "This is from the University of Maryland. Apparently, this is from the chair of a 'lower tier, very awkward sorority' that's been matched up with a 'pretty good frat' for Greek Week."

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted], I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But [first name redacted]!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

-[Last name redacted]

She had me at "cunt punt."

See also: Crappy Tweets From the Deranged Sorority Girl's Deleted Twitter Account [Jezebel]

More life lessons from the Deadspin archive: The blunt business school prof | The pissed-off college student | The foul-mouthed Padres job applicant | The bitchy kickball team captain | Many, many more

Part of this story is a bit old, as it happened at the Independent Spirit Awards, which are held the night before the Oscars every year, presumably so that the Spirits can be easily overshadowed and get as little press coverage as possible. I missed this at the time, but Matthew McConaughey was on Fresh Air with Terry Gross this week, to promote Mud, which opens this weekend. Gross played a clip of McConaughey’s turn as a presenter at the Spirit awards, where he introduced best picture nominee Bernie, in which he had a supporting role, as did his mother, Kay. When he was onstage talking about Bernie, he told this story:

Since Bernie, and her time onscreen, she corners every producer that she can find on any set that I’m on or otherwise, and pitches her great idea. Of remaking The Graduate. With HER playing Anne Bancroft role. And guess who’s gonna be the Dustin Hoffman role? Me. No shit! This is my mother. Dead serious. And she might have good money-making idea, but it is kinda weird. Incestuous and everything. And if you ask her, and I’ve even said it, I go “Mom, you don’t get how that’s odd?” And her answer’s the same every time, “Oh get over it, I’ve seen it, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Count me in. It’d be the first film we could crowdfund on both Kickstarter AND F*ckstarter. Again, that part of the story isn’t new, but the awesome weirdness of the McConaughey family is as compelling as the zen bongo master himself. You may remember that Kay McConaughey, now 81, is the same woman who self-published an autobiography in 2008, in which she claimed that her late husband died while they were having sex, and that she insisted that his body be removed from the house naked.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift.”

Corpse boners, dude. For real. But that’s not the last McConaughey Family story from the show:

Later in the show, McConaughey tells a story about how when he was in high school, his mom was working for a cosmetics company. One of her products was mink oil, which was supposed to “remove impurities.” As a pimple-faced teenager, a 15-year-old McConaughey, under advice from his mom, thought it’d be a good idea to put mink oil on his face to treat his acne (which, as we all know, is caused by “impurities”).

So I start doing the mink oil masks at night, and my face is starting to swell up, and I’m developing really bad acne. I talked to my dad’s secretary, who turned my mom onto it (the mink oil), I’m really concerned. And the lady’s like, “wow, you just sure have a lot of impurities, Matthew. Keep it up! And we’ll just pull all of the impurities out, and you’ll never have a blemish again.”

So after two months of it getting worse and worse “until I don’t even look like myself,” McConaughey says, he finally sees a dermatologist who tells him to stop putting oil on his already-oily face. He eventually gets better, and his family decides to file a lawsuit against the mink oil company for inflicting “emotional distress.” Only the lawsuit takes years, as lawsuits do, and by the time he’s being deposed by the company’s attorneys, they pull out McConaughey’s senior class year book, turned to the page where he’s been voted “Most Handsome.”

My dad jacked with me, and my brothers, for years they’d say to me, “Man, we almost won a $30,000 lawsuit! And you gotta go win “most handsome.” You son of a bitch.

The more I hear about Matthew McConaughey’s family, the more I feel like his character hanging out with the weird incestuous Texas family trying to kill their mother for the insurance money in Killer Joe actually wasn’t that much of a stretch. People wear those shirts that say “Don’t Mess with Texas,” and I know this probably isn’t how they mean it, but stories like this are the main reason I don’t mess with Texas. Shit gets really weird out there.

[FreshAir. Picture via SocialiteLife]

The post Matthew McConaughey’s family sounds fun appeared first on FilmDrunk.