This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Life Undercover: Coming of Age in the CIA, by Amaryllis Fox. This is a memoir about her time undercover for the CIA, and OMG it is fascinating, especially the details around how she was trained, how her cover was created (and costumed), and how she did her job.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

weekend free-for-all – October 26-27, 2019 was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

I did a quick pan with my camera over the mound of smashed potatoes that I made for my family a few months ago and am still getting requests for my recipe.

It’s perhaps the most simple recipe on the planet, but there is a certain process you need to follow to yield the best result!

First, choose your potatoes wisely. I chose Yukon Gold for this batch, but I’ve also used new potatoes and have really enjoyed those too. Basically, stay away from russet potatoes for this recipe, and make sure whatever you choose isn’t much bigger than a golf ball in size.

Smashed Potatoes

yields: however many potatoes you have, I generally have about 8-10 in my recipe

Ingredients:

new potatoes or Yukon Gold

butter

cooking spray

salt

optional toppings: fresh rosemary, grated parmesan, fresh parsley, cheddar, garlic

1. Boil potatoes until fork-tender.
2. Place potatoes on a baking sheet sprayed with cooking spray
3. With a fork, press against the top of each potato, smashing it about 3/4 of the way down.
4. Brush with melted butter, sprinkle a generous amount of salt on top, and top with your choice of additional toppings. These are also fantastic just with butter and salt so if you don’t have any of the additional toppings on hand, don’t worry. I also save the herbs for sprinkling after I broil/bake the potatoes for the last step.
5. Place in oven under broiler until browned on top and crispy. Alternatively, you can roast in a 450-degree oven for about 10 minutes, watching closely to make sure they don’t burn.

Enjoy!

 

 

Skincare can be intimidating, especially if it’s something you’re new to. If you’re someone who wants to incorporate a good regimen, but not entirely sure where to start, this post is for you! Let’s call it a ‘Beginner’s Guide to a Great Skincare Routine…’

Okay, maybe it’s not as straight forward as that, but I’m here to break it down, step-by-step, as far as what I think makes for a really thorough morning and night routine. However, for the sake of not completely overwhelming, I did not include any masks or at-home treatments. I’ll save that for another day.

MORNING ROUTINE:

Light Cleanse:

I’ve heard some experts say that cleansing your face in the morning is not necessary but personally, I feel sort of icky if I don’t. I do an extremely light cleanse with whatever gel or milky cleanser I’m using at the moment. Currently, I am rotating between this one from Elemis and this one from Indie Lee. You may have heard me talk a lot about balm or oil cleansers, but those I only use at night as part of my first cleanse (more on that in my night routine.)

Tone: 

After cleansing, I’ll tone my face. This not only helps balance out your skin, but it’s also a nice way to prep it for the products you’re going to follow up with.  I recently started using this one from Indie Lee and I really like how nice and gentle it is for a morning routine.

Vitamin C:

Vitamin C is a powerful antioxidant that helps shield your skin from free radicals. In English: it helps protect your skin from pollution, UVA & UVB Rays and aids as a barrier against the powerful sun, especially when paired with SPF. I know that some people will use Vitamin C at night, but I’ve always been taught that it’s a product best suited for a morning routine. Ask any expert and they will all agree: if you were to incorporate two anti-aging ingredients into your routine, it should be Vitamin C and retinol (more on retinol in my night routine.) After I tone, I apply my Vitamin C, wait a few minutes while I do other things (so it really soaks in) and then proceed with the below steps.

My favorite is this one from Skinceuticals but for one that is easier on the wallet, I really like this one from Ole Henriksen and this one from TATCHA. I also heard incredible things about this one from Obagi, so that’s next on my list to try since.

Eye Cream: 

Next, I apply an eye cream. For my morning routine, I look for one that feels moisturizing, absorbs nicely and gives me a smooth surface, without feeling too thick. On most days, even if I don’t wear foundation, I will wear under eye concealer, so having a hydrated (but not too oily) surface is key.

I’ve been really liking this one from Ole Henriksen and this one from Elemis.

Hyaluronic Acid: 

I was debating on whether I should add this step because it’s not completely necessary. I didn’t want to overwhelm you all, being that it is supposed to be a simplified routine. On the other hand, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t LOVE adding a HA product into my routine and that I didn’t feel a noticeable difference when using one. The simplest way to put it is that HA is like a drink of water for your skin. It hydrates & plumps while making my complexion look bouncier. I feel a difference when I don’t use one in the morning so for me, it’s a must; especially as we approach the colder months. I apply it after Vitamin C and wait 2-3 minutes before continuing on with my routine.

My favorites: this one from Skinceuticals, this one from PCA and one that’s way easier on the wallet, this one from Jordan Samuel Skin.

Moisturizer:

Now I will say that on many occasions I go straight to my tinted SPF without applying a underneath moisturizer. In the warmer months (or if your skin is particularly oily) I find that, with the addition of Hyaluronic Acid, the SPF is moisturizing enough. On the other hand, if your skin is dry, if it’s the dead of winter or if you’re wearing heavier face makeup after, you can certainly apply something before your SPF. It’s really about listening to your skin and figuring out what it needs. I can assure you can get to a point where you’ll be able to tell!

On days I use a moisturizer underneath, my favorites are rather simple: Ultra Repair Cream and  Drunk Elephant Lala Retro Whipped.

SPF:

Unless I know I’m 100% not leaving the house, I wear my facial SPF daily – even on cloudy days. I prefer a tinted one, as I find that it replaces a tinted moisturizer and makes my skin look a little peppier. I don’t wear foundation on most days so this works perfectly for me, but you can certainly layer whatever makeup you use on top. As I mentioned above, if you’re wearing foundation with a bit of coverage, you may need a bit of moisturizer underneath your SPF. Listen to your skin! If the foundation looks like it’s settling, rather than gliding, into your skin, the SPF alone is probably not moisturizing enough.

Friendly reminder: If your chest is exposed, don’t forget your chest and your hands!

My favorites facial SPFS are: PCA Sheer Tint & Elta MD Tinted 

---

NIGHT ROUTINE: 

Cleansing:

My night routine always starts out with a double cleanse. Yes, even if I’m not wearing makeup and yes, even if I don’t leave my house. Your first cleanse should always be with a balm or oil cleanser applied to dry skin. This is your opportunity to take a minute or two to really melt away your makeup, SPF or to just get the blood flowing. Afterward, I take a muslin (facial) cloth that I ran under warm water and wipe everything away. If you’re wearing makeup, then it is extremely gratifying seeing the cloth wipe everything away. Think about it: there’s no way a simple swipe of water and cleanser will properly remove what the cloth is removing. This is why this step is so important and why many people who experience bad breakouts will see a noticeable difference once this step is incorporated.

A question I get asked often pertains to the cloths. Yes, I use a clean cloth every single time I do the first step. I then throw in a little hamper that I keep in my bathroom and wash those with my towels, once or twice or a week. I have a ton of cloths! My favorite ones are on the thicker side, but the ones I’ve shared before are also a good option. They’re a lot thinner, but work well enough if you don’t have a lot of makeup on.

My favorite balm and oil cleansers are: Elemis Pro-Collagen Cleansing Balm, Bobbi Brown Soothing Cleansing Oil and the Plantastic Cleansing Balm from Beauty Pie.

After the first cleanse, I do a light second cleanse. I don’t use a cloth and I’m less thoughtful about it unless I have a ton of makeup on. If I’m coming home from an event or a wedding and the makeup is heavy, I may even use a 2nd cloth with this cleanse; but typically, it is a quick one. I usually use a gel cleanser and will apply to my skin for 15 seconds and wash away with water. I then pat dry with a towel and I’m ready for my next step. The gel cleanser that I use for my second cleanse is typically the same one I will use as my morning cleanse. At the moment, I rotate between this one and this one, as mentioned above.

Toning: 

After I cleanse, I always use a toner. Toning will get off any bits your cleansers may have missed and will properly prep your skin for the next steps.

A couple of days a week, I will use Biologique P50, which I’ve spoken about so many times. It’s a holy grail product for me. On other days, I like to alternate with Pixi Glow. The toners I use at night are typically a bit stronger than the one I use in the morning. You certainly do not need all of the ones I’m mentioning so if you’re new to using a toner, Pixi Glow is a great place to start. I always have a bottle on hand and if you just own this one, that’s totally fine. P50 is an investment product, but it’s holy grail status for me. You can read more about it here if you’re up for it. If this is too much information already, skip it and save it for another time.

On days I use P50, I typically will follow with a good moisturizing combination (more on that below.) On days I don’t use it, I usually follow with a treatment like a retinol (3x a week.)

Eye Cream:

Unlike my day eye cream, I prefer one that’s rich and decadent at night. My favorite is probably Shiseido Benefiance. I also really like Kiehl’s Avocado Eye Cream and I’ve had it in my rotation for years. I don’t think it performs miracles (then again, I don’t think any eye cream really does) but it’s incredibly rich, hydrating and just makes my eye area feel great. Also, when I asked on IG what everyones favorite nighttime eye cream was, many recommend this one from Neocutis, saying it’s one of the best in the market. I have yet to try, but you better believe, I ordered it! I’ll post an update after a few weeks of using.

Treatment-like Retinol: 

About 2-3x a week, I use a retinol (when I am not pregnant or nursing) after using a milder toner like Pixi Glow. Sunday Riley A+ makes a great one as does Jordan Samuel Skin (milder and at such a great price point.) Also, if you’re a member (or considering) of Beauty Pie, they make some great retinols.  You could also get a prescription from your derm; those will typically be stronger, so keep that in mind. If you go that route, talk to your derm on how to properly use and how often. Retinols do not work overnight but overtime, they are proven to be the #1 way to slow down the signs of aging. The studies have been endless. On the days I’m using a retinol, I like to wait a few minutes and then follow up with moisture, which I share below.

Something to note: if you’re using another type of treatment, it’s either that or the retinol. Do not use both. During my pregnancy, I’ve avoided retinol but I’ve been using Sunday Riley Good Genes which is a gentle, lactic acid treatment.

Treatment Serums:

On non-retinol days, after toning I typically use a serum. Serums are nutrient-dense and loaded with all types of goodness, so it’s best to keep them as close to the skin as possible. They are left on overnight so they can really work their magic.

The main difference between a serum and a face oil is that serums are meant to target specific concerns, whereas oils are intended to moisturize. Serums are typically intended to be layered under a moisturizer. Oils are typically intended to seal everything in.

Vintner’s Daughter is my favorite (went into detail about it here) but it has a very hefty price-tag. If I use VD, I like to apply it in the beginning of the night and let it soak in before I apply anything else. Another option is Midnight Recovery from Kiehl’s. I also really love Farmacy Honeymoon Glow. It’s on the stronger side, so don’t use it more than 1-2x a week. Again, you do not need all three, but I wanted to give you guys options.

Moisturizer:  

Much like my eye cream, I prefer a thicker moisturizer at night. Between that and a face oil, I like to look like you could fry an egg on my face (and eventually, my skin will soak it up.) This one from First Aid Beauty is super simple & right to the point, but a great product. I also really the Protini Cream from Drunk Elephant.

*Something to note: For the sake of not confusing anyone, the above breakdown does not account for Augustinus Bader Rich Cream. If this is already too much information, skip this note. However, if you’re interested in how I use Bader: On my Bader nights, I will double cleanse, tone, use eye cream and then apply the cream. I don’t use anything else before or after as it’s meant to be applied on bare skin. Some will even say to skip the toner, but I don’t. I usually use it with P50 and it’s what works best for me. I love it so much and out of all the products out on the market, my skin looks significantly happier when it is part of my routine. Again, hefty price tag but in my opinion, very worth it. Especially if you’re in your mid-thirties or older. 

Face Oils:

After my moisturizer (not including Augustinus Bader), I like to seal it in with a face oil. Again, this step isn’t exactly necessary, but it’s luxurious and I really find that it helps with keeping my face looking and feeling hydrated. There are also several great face oils out there that do not have to break the bank. Recently, I’ve found out about this one from Face Hero and I’ve really been loving it. Other favorites include this one from Jordan Samuel and this one from Indie Lee – both at such great price points.

And there you have it! Please let me know if you have any questions in the comment section and I’ll try to answer them all. Again, this routine does this account for masks or treatment products. Hopefully you found this helpful!

Hahaha, I bet you weren’t expecting this costume from me this year, but look how fun it is!! I literally couldn’t stop laughing the entire time we had them on … the whole thing is just too funny. It basically all started last year when I realized Lola’s oatmeal hair looked just like Harry Dunne’s mane and the idea has been rolling around in my head ever since! Originally, we were going to do a full family costume with Todd as Lloyd and me as Mary, but when I saw how fun it looked to be in the tuxedos I told Todd I wanted to share the Lloyd costume instead because I had major FOMO about it—ha! He gets to be Lloyd on actual Halloween though, so he’ll get his turn …

It’s always a gamble with babies or toddlers and costumes as you have NO IDEA if they will wear any part of their outfit. But this year Lola was immediately into the tuxedo and the cane and hat made her even more excited to wear her look. Although I guess most kids will be happy if you give them a stick they can run around and hit things with! The toddler Harry costume came with the shirt (it’s a dickey that just covers the front, so you’ll want a shirt underneath that if trick-or-treating in the cold), jacket, pants, and hat, and then I got shoes in the same color and made canes for us from dowel rods, paint, and white tape. I also took a piece of blue felt and sewed an elastic waistband on it to make a 2-minute cummerbund, but this would also be a great option!

My Lloyd costume was a “one-size-fits-all,” so I had to take it in quite a bit to fit me and I got this hat instead as it was a much better option than the soft foldable one that comes with the costume set. I couldn’t find a Lloyd wig that had good reviews, so I ended up getting this one and giving it a little bit of a haircut to make it look more like his—not too bad! Also, you can’t be Lloyd without the chip in your tooth (which is actually Jim Carry’s real tooth in the movie with his tooth cap removed) so I used this tooth blackener and it worked really well! It seems like a small detail but that chipped tooth really makes the whole look and is 90% of why I couldn’t stop laughing when I looked in a mirror.

If you want to swap roles, here’s a kid’s Lloyd costume and the adult Harry costume if that fits your style better! I figured this was probably the last year of us picking Lola’s costume for her and she can decide on her own next year what she wants to be, so I thought we would make it a fun one (and I think we hit the mark)! The real question is if she’ll want to do more family costumes in the future and I think she may. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” xo. Laura

Credits//Author: Laura Gummerman. Photography: Amber Ulmer. Photos edited with A Color Story Desktop.

This is beautiful.

Office lunch thefts plague offices everywhere, and  no one has found a good solution yet.

One survey found that 18% of workers admitted to eating someone else’s lunch from the office fridge – that’s nearly one in five of the people sitting in your next meeting who might be plotting to waylay your Lean Cuisine.

Lunch thieves are among us. At Slate today, I wrote about this terrible scourge, including many firsthand accounts from victims (including one man who was reduced to running through the halls, shouting “Who stole my meat?”). You can read it here.

your lunch might be stolen from your office fridge today was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

Homelessness in America is generally on the rise and a number of cities are dealing with large populations of chronically un-housed people. This has resulted in a number of state and local problems, including disease outbreaks, local governments spending huge amounts of money with little result, and even violent attacks.

This attack is monstrous, but it was not random. It targeted the most vulnerable among us.

It is our failure to treat people experiencing homelessness with dignity that left these individuals vulnerable to such hateful violence. https://t.co/0gLAdHVIwd

— Julián Castro (@JulianCastro) October 5, 2019

But homelessness in America has also developed a number of myths and misconceptions that make it difficult to separate fact from fiction. As with any large-scale problem, much of what is believed and passed around about the homeless is either untrue or no longer accurate. And it drives policy decisions and baseless fear in wealthier communities.

Here are some of the most prevalent myths about homelessness in the U.S.

Homelessness myths, debunked

Has homelessness increased in the United States?

According to data from the National Alliance to End Homelessness, “between 2017 and 2018, homelessness increased slightly by 0.3 percent or 1,834 people.” But since 2007, when the Department of Housing and Urban Development began keeping track, homelessness has actually dropped about 15 percent overall, with larger drops among veterans and families.

Do most homeless people sleep on Skid Row?

It’s a popular perception that most major cities have some kind of run-down tent city where the homeless are more likely to congregate. But this has largely changed other than in Los Angeles, where the original infamous Skid Row originated. 

Even in L.A. County, the homeless population is about 59,000—with only about 4,800 on the city’s Downtown Skid Row. Many other large cities have bulldozed or gentrified what was once their Skid Row, including New York and Chicago. A large portion of people without proper shelter either live in suburbs, rural areas, or in their cars—not in a centrally located part of town. 

Common myths about the homeless in LA:

1. They're not from here (almost 70% of all the homeless have lived in LA County for 10 years)
2. They're mostly on drugs and mentally ill (70% are not)
3. They create most of the trash (illegal dumping is the biggest cause of trash)

— Lexis-Olivier Ray (@ShotOn35mm) June 4, 2019

Are most homeless individuals mentally ill?

In 1963, the U.S. embarked on a large-scale closing of long-term psychiatric institutions, resulting in many of these individuals becoming homeless—and leaving nowhere for these people to go since then. Subsequent studies have found that while homeless people are more likely to suffer from severe mental illness, mental illness is not one of the overall leading causes of losing one’s housing. Between one-quarter and one-third of the homeless population likely has some form of mental illness, but U.S. mayors generally believe that long-term joblessness, poverty, and lack of affordable housing are the top initial causes of homelessness.

Do homeless people typically move to warmer climates to live on the streets?

Not generally.

For 2018 in San Francisco, about 70% of people identified as homeless were also longtime residents of the area. The numbers are similar for L.A. County, where about 65% of homeless people have resided there for more than 20 years. New York City has the highest individual homeless population of any city, and even states with the most extreme cold weather have some population of people without adequate shelter.

The higher proportion of homeless in California is almost certainly due to housing prices, rather than an influx of people from out of state.

Are most homeless people addicted to drugs or alcohol?

Homelessness and substance abuse are often intertwined, with one leading to or worsening the other. But overall, only about 26% of homeless have a serious drug problem, with a slightly higher percentage having a similar problem with alcohol. For the general population, studies show about 8-9% of adults dealing with substance abuse. So the number in the homeless population is higher, but not a majority. 

Do most homeless people choose to be homeless?

The idea that homelessness is a popular choice among people who refuse to work is a powerful one. In response to the sharp uptick in American homelessness in the 1980s, President Reagan claimed in 1984 that “the people who are sleeping on the grates … the homeless … are homeless, you might say, by choice,” and added in 1988 that the people sleeping on benches just a few hundred yards from the White House “make it their own choice for staying out there.″ 

But when offered the opportunity to obtain permanent housing, the majority of homeless people readily take it. Other studies have found that homelessness increases every time a city sees major rent increases—showing that losing one’s home is far more often a consequence of high rents, rather than a choice.

Are most homeless people on the street because they refuse to work?

The myth that a homeless person will be shamed into getting their life together by yelling “get a job” at them is undercut by statistics.

In one 2018 survey, 13 percent of homeless people in San Francisco report having a part or full-time job. Other studies have found that about 44% of the homeless did some kind of paid labor during a 30-day period, and about 55% worked during the year while they were homeless. Many chronically under-housed people, living on someone’s couch or in a shelter, work two or three jobs—with none paying enough to remedy their situation. In many cities, it would take over 100 hours of minimum wage work per week to make median rent.

Homeless Mom Works Three Part-time Jobs While Living in a Skid Row Homeless Shelter https://t.co/umMacKAMjs

— Invisible People (@invisiblepeople) August 17, 2019

Is homelessness permanent?

According to a 2014 HUD survey, about one-in-six homeless people have been on the streets for over a year. The typical duration of homelessness is usually a few days.

Do homeless shelters or low-income housing depress the value of nearby properties?

Housing prices in areas with large-scale services for the homeless generally remain high. While areas directly near these housing units do sometimes see upticks in minor crimes like loitering, overall, they don’t see plummeting home values—and many have active gentrification going on.

There’s no data that shows the building of homeless shelters or affordable housing in a highly-populated area has any overall negative impact on the residents there.

READ MORE:

• GoFundMe for homeless opera singer raises more than $20K (updated)
• Florida city is pushing homeless people out by playing ‘Baby Shark’ on a loop 
• HUD proposal would allow homeless shelters to refuse trans people

The post What are the biggest misconceptions about homelessness? appeared first on The Daily Dot.

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Gradual Gradient

A post shared by Cj Hendry (@cj_hendry) on Oct 6, 2019 at 4:23pm PDT

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Is it okay for me to write my partner’s cover letters and apply to jobs on his behalf?

My partner and I both have MAs in English Literature, but decided not to pursue doctorates/specialization because 1) not a lot of jobs 2) we wanted to do more community service work than ivory tower.

Unfortunately, it feels like we’re starting over completely and like every application is a Hail Mary. This has weighed really heavily on us both, but my partner struggles with it a bit more. He’s so so so unhappy at his temporary factory job, but a year of applying and getting rejected has taken its toll. Applying gives him so much stress and anxiety that sometimes he can’t even finish the application before it closes. It took him two weeks to finish a cover letter once. This is very much not like him. Is it okay for me to do the application for him, cover letter and form filling, etc., as long as he reviews it and is the one to hit submit?

Some people might say yes, but I’d say no — at least where the cover letter is concerned. The cover letter is supposed to be written by him. It’s supposed to be a sample of his written communication skills. That’s true about 10 times over if the jobs he’s applying for have writing as part of their focus, but it’s true even if they don’t.

The rest of it — filling out application forms, etc. — isn’t nearly as much of a problem in and of itself. But it speaks to a bigger problem: that your partner is in a state where he can’t job search on his own. By stepping in and doing it for him, you might be papering over the deeper problem (or not — he might be tackling that head-on and it’s just not mentioned here).

Most importantly for you, I worry about what this means for your own job search. Handling two job searches at one time will burn you out (and then who will help you, if your partner already can’t?) or take away from the bandwidth you have for your own applications.

2. I don’t want to sign a petition about bathrooms at work

My company rents space from another company which has the whole floor of a building. That company uses about a third of the floor and rents out the other space, mostly to small firms and independent workers. The floor has two sets of bathrooms. Of the 60 or so people who work on the floor, maybe 12-15 are women, with eight of those working for my company. The owner of the space and the other renters are in industries that are typically male dominated. Because of the gender break-down of the occupants, there are three men’s bathrooms and one women’s bathroom. Our space is on the opposite side of the building from the women’s bathroom, about a three-minute walk away.

My boss is circulating a petition among the other tenants to make one of the men’s bathrooms into a women’s bathroom. I’m sensitive to the long walk and the need for some women to need the trip to the bathroom to be shorter. However, as a person who suffers from GI issues that mean I can need an unoccupied toilet quickly, I don’t know how to broach my concerns that I’m really not on board with this idea.

So the petition is asking to have one women’s room and one men’s room at each end of the building, not taking away the men’s room that’s currently near you, right? Assuming so … that seems pretty damn reasonable, and more in line with what an office building would normally have. I hear you on the GI issues, but what about women on your end of the building who might have their own GI issues and currently have to walk three minutes to the nearest bathroom?

Ethically, I think you have to support the petition. I suppose you could suggest a compromise of turning one of the mens’ bathrooms near you into a gender-neutral bathroom. But I don’t think you can ethically support keeping things are they are now, with the women stuck with a three-minute walk.

3. A bad connection ruined my video interview

I recently applied for a job that is at a regional office in my city, but the company is headquartered on the opposite coast. About a week ago, I had a 45-minute phone interview with the recruiter. We had amazing rapport and a there was a clear connection between what they are looking for in a candidate and what I’m looking for in a company. They then asked me to do a 30-minute interview via a video service with the woman at headquarters who would be my manager.

The second interview was a disaster. There was a major sound lag between us — 10-20 seconds delay, even after we turned off video. The call even dropped once completely. I had to ask her to repeat herself many times and she had to do the same for me. I did my best to stay upbeat and look for solutions to the tech challenges, but I was genuinely flustered. I know my answers to her questions came across rambling and off-topic. They WERE rambling and off-topic — I was hearing her response to what I was saying 10 seconds after I said it, while I was in the middle answering her previous question from 10 seconds before that. It was a nightmare.

We did our best to end on a positive note, but I could tell she was frustrated and unenthusiastic about my responses. Justifiably — the whole conversation was a jumbled mess! A couple hours later, I emailed the recruiter this: “Would you be so kind as to pass along my thanks to [manager] for her time? Also, please let her know I’d be happy to speak again if she would like to follow up — we had an unfortunately choppy hangout connection that made conversation a challenge this morning.”

Was this an appropriate message to send? Is/was there anything else I could do to salvage this situation? I’m kicking myself for not suggesting we switch to a standard phone call as soon as it became clear video messaging wasn’t going to work for us.

Ugh, that sucks! I’m sorry. Your message was perfectly appropriate. In fact, you could have been even more blunt if you wanted to — as in, “We had a very bad connection on the video that made conversation pretty challenging, and I’m worried that it made it hard for Jane to get a good sense of my fit for the role. I know these things happen, but I’d be happy to talk with her again if either of you think that would be helpful — maybe this time by phone!”

You could even send a version of that now. You could email the recruiter with something like, “Thinking back on my conversation with Jane, I’m worried our technical issues were so severe (and affected my ability to hear what she was asking and target my responses) that it might have left her with a different sense of my fit for the role than she would have otherwise had! I’m not sure if you’ve had feedback from her yet, but I’d love the chance to speak with her again without the technical challenges if she’d be open to a second try.” It’s possible that could prompt the recruiter to pitch Jane on the value of doing that. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this if the first interview hadn’t gone so well, but since it did, the recruiter might push for a re-do. Or they might decline — especially if the hiring manager is busy and she’s got other strong candidates — but there’s nothing wrong with being a little more direct about it.

4. Can my manager share my health info with HR without violating medical privacy laws?

My husband and I work in different divisions of the same organization (a university). I am currently expecting our first child and we are thinking through when/how to tell our employer. We’re under the assumption that as soon as I tell my manager, he’ll inform our HR partner who will likely inform my husband’s HR partner who will inform my husband’s manager.

Here’s where we disagree: my husband thinks that spread of information would be a violation of HIPAA. I don’t think HIPAA applies here because our managers and HR are not medical professionals. I think there’s nothing preventing our family medical situation from being discussed at the management/HR level (or even at the staff level), and we have to assume word will travel. Who is right?

You are. HIPAA only applies to medical providers and and health plans, and in most cases not employers. (The exception to that is your employer’s health insurance is a self-insured plan, where the company pays individual claims itself.) Your manager could indeed share information about your pregnancy with HR, who could in turn share it with others. (Whether or not the second part of that will happen isn’t certain, but the first part — your manager talking to HR — is reasonably likely.)

5. Contacting old mentors but preserving boundaries

I just came across your advice about staying in touch with old mentors, and I love this idea and would like to practice it. However, I have a couple of concerns represented by two separate past mentors. One friend-requested me on Facebook a couple years after I graduated with a sweet message about remembering it was my birthday that day. I didn’t want to accept the friend request — we had a warm relationship but not *that* personal — so I didn’t respond to the message. How could I reach out to her without inviting any closer social connections? The other mentor was my boss from two years ago, but she works for a nonprofit that still includes me on emails asking to volunteer for events. I don’t want to volunteer anymore or be (even subtly!) guilted into doing so, but I would love to see this mentor. What would you suggest?

Contact both of them! Contact the first one over email with an update on what’s been going on with you and inquiring about her. Tell her you appreciated the help she gave you in the past and wanted to check in. (Bonus points if you can tell her something concrete about how her advice has helped you — “I’m so glad you were such a stickler about X because it’s served me so well now that I’m doing Y” or “I always think about your advice on X when I’m doing Y” or so forth.) If you feel weird not having ever acknowledged the Facebook message, you don’t need to — people miss connection requests all the time, or aren’t on Facebook that much, etc. (In the future if that happens, a good response is to send a connection request on LinkedIn with a note that says something like, “I really just use Facebook for family/for cat photos/am hardly ever on Facebook/, but I’d love to connect with you here and stay in touch!”)

With the second person, reach out in the same way. If she asks you about volunteering, say, “It’s not something I can commit to right now but I’m so glad things are going well.” Also, unsubscribe from that list if you want!

is it okay to write my partner’s cover letters, I don’t want to sign a petition about bathrooms, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

ICYM It: I have a new podcast with the amazing Nicole Parker where we take actual posts from the Nextdoor website and use them for character improv! 

“Join Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) and Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) as they explore their hometown of Dignity Falls via posts from a certain neighborhood social networking app and and interview the town’s most intriguing residents!”

The show debuted last week and our first guest was the hilarious Maria Blasucci. New episodes come out on Tuesdays!

To listen, Go to http://bit.ly/STITCHERTNL and use code NEIGHBOR for a free month trial!

This candle made me laugh out loud.

(via)

Hi Captain Awkward –

TL;DR: one of my partner’s friends became my Cool New Friend, right up until he abruptly pulled back and implied I had romantic feelings for him. I do not. He seems to want to keep hanging out (??!) and I don’t want to make it awkward but this really upset me and I have no idea how to feel or behave.

I (32, she/her) am in a very happy relationship with wonderful Partner (31M). Earlier this year I hit it off with Partner’s friend “Bob” (30??M). Bob is funny and interesting and well-read, and Partner suggested Bob and I could see movies together (Partner has a low tolerance for silent films). Over 6 months, Bob and I ended up hanging out every 2-3 weeks. Periodically one of us (usually Bob) would suggest we meet for a movie or a meal. We’d hang out for couple of hours and talk a lot. Bob seemed surprisingly comfortable being open early on (family, health, a recent breakup), and taking my cue from him, I found myself talking unreservedly to him like a close friend. (I cringe now to think of this.) Partly I think Bob needed to process the denouement of his romantic relationship, but we canvassed lots of other things, so I wasn’t just the Designated Woman Listener. And, well, I am in a conspicuously happy relationship with Partner, while Bob is dealing with feelings for someone else. No When Harry Met Sally problems here!

Then Bob abruptly cancelled a dinner he had suggested, before a movie he had suggested, via text message, because he was “uncomfortable” and felt like we had been “going on dates.” After some prodding, Bob divulged that he thought I had romantic feelings for him. Bob is a great guy and I would have no hesitation setting him up with a friend, but I do not have feelings for Bob. At all. (Bob did not help matters by subsequently demanding text confirmation of this for “reassurance”. What?)

Unfortunately, Bob stepped right into a bear trap of my anxieties. Making friends has always been hard for me. It makes me feel so pathetic in retrospect, but I’d been really excited about my awesome new friend. I also have a history of damaging friendships through thoughtlessness or terrible boundaries – behaviours I *thought* I’d grown out of. I was embarrassed, upset, and increasingly, angry. Bob basically cast aspersions on my commitment to Partner – who literally laughed out loud at the idea when I told him.

Captain, we’ve hung out twice since, and it was awful. I’m stilted and uncomfortable; Bob seems to want to pretend nothing happened. But I’m not comfortable behaving like before, because clearly that gave Bob the wrong idea! Being so wildly misread really sucks, and I’m torn between wanting to know how Bob got this idea, and never wanting to hear it because oh nooooo what did I doooooo.

Bob is still doggedly suggesting movies. I really don’t want to screw up Partner’s social circle and part of me wonders if any friendship is salvageable. But I don’t know how much of this is my fault and I don’t know how to behave around Bob anymore. Also, now I’m back down to zero people to watch weird old movies with. I have no idea how to address this situation. Help??

Hello!

Other people don’t get to tell you what your feelings are, full stop.

Additionally, I consulted Occam’s Razor (I keep it next to Occam’s hand lotion, Occam’s minty morning mouthwash, and Occam’s Big Paisley Tie) and it indicated that Bob possibly became weird because HE was developing a big old crush on YOU. Your hangouts felt like dates…to him. And instead of either ruefully admitting it or dealing with it quietly (“I’ll just keep being her friend, it will pass“), he projected it all onto you.

A second possibility that still has nothing to do with anything you did wrong: The person Bob is actually pursuing romantically looks askance at the friendship between you, either because they are jealous of you, specifically, or because they are one of those people who are convinced that men and women can’t ever be friends (au contraire, mon frère) and unfortunately Bob is also sort of one of those people but was making an exception for his Silent Film Buddy. Maybe your hangouts looked like dates to that person, so that person made it weird for Bob, who in turn made it weird for you. The demand for text confirmation makes me imagine Bob saying to this person, “See? I asked her and she doesn’t feel that way. We just go to the movies sometimes.” 

Third possibility: This is like one of those things where you get really upset at someone in a dream and you wake up and you’re angry at them in real life but only for stuff they did in the dream. Maybe Dream-You got horny for Dream-Bob one night, which, fine, except, Not Fine, because Awake-Bob crossed the dream streams and broke up your film club dream team.

Fourth possibility: Say you accidentally did or said something that made Bob feel uncomfortable, like a line was being crossed. You didn’t hit on him, but the intimacy of your conversations, for whatever reason, felt like Too Much for the level of movie buddies he wants to be. Or he felt like he was sharing too much private information with you and wanted to pull back from those kinds of conversations. In that scenario a friend might reasonably want to regroup a bit, like, “Note to self, these friend-dates are starting to feel like date-dates…to me…maybe I should change something up here” but that can be done without blaming you or asking for a notarized statement of your lack of pantsfeelings. Crushes happen, misunderstandings happen, but we don’t tell our friends they have feelings and then, like, punish them for their feelings that we made up in our heads and told them they had.

So what to do now? To truly clear the air, Bob would need to admit what he did and apologize to you. “I’m so sorry I insisted that you had feelings for me. What actually happened was I was feeling ________ about ________ and I projected all that on to you.” 

You could attempt to clear the air. The next time he suggests a film, you could say, “Dude, I want to go to the movies but not until we talk about the very weird thing you did. I never had romantic feelings for you, and you made me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable when you insisted I did. If I did or said something specific that made you uncomfortable, please tell me what it was so I can apologize and not ever do it again. We can go back to acting like it never happened once you tell me, honestly, what the hell was that about?”

I realize asking him directly is nerve-wracking for you, both because of your history because you can’t necessarily trust him to be honest or self-aware enough to not double down and try even more projection. But please know, you’d be entirely within your rights to do it.

You could let Partner intervene on your behalf. I generally advise letting our partners handle their own friendships and not getting in the middle, which seems to be your strategy as well, but maybe next time the two men hang out solo your Partner can throw up a “Dude, [LW] doesn’t have feelings for you and you made her incredibly uncomfortable about that whole thing. What was UP with that?” and a “Well, you probably need to apologize before you try to plan any more movie nights.” 

You could also take a break and hang with Bob only at bigger Partner-social-circle events. You’re not “screwing up” anybody’s social circle, you just don’t have time right now to go to the movies with your Partner’s friend who you thought was a cool friend but who is actually a super-presumptive and demanding friend who you didn’t enjoy seeing movies with the last two times you did that. Make a rule going forward: “For every 10 minutes I spending navigating The Bobness, I will spend 10 minutes finding (or founding!) a women-watching-old movies-together meet where I live.” Go to screenings alone sometimes. Wear an incredibly fancy and fetching hat. Say hello to the other regulars in the crowd (there are almost certainly regulars in the crowd). If your town has silent film screenings, plural, you and Bob are not the only people in that scene. Meet the other beautiful nerds.

You can also join Bob for an occasional film/joint exercise in pretending it didn’t happen, and see if it gets better with some time. Bob’s persistence in making plans is an indicator that he does like you and want to go to the movies still. But look, I’m bilingual in both English and acting like the elephant is not in the room, so I want to be clear: Bygones are a gift. If you never bring this up again, if you try to hang out with Bob like it never happened and give the friendship some time to recover, that is a favor you are doing for him. You are letting him save face after the weird thing he did, with a silent message of: “Friend, I’m trusting that was a one-time thing and you had your reasons, reasons which you will sheepishly acknowledge someday, maybe to me, maybe to your therapist, and I like you enough to give it another try. Don’t fuck it up.” 

The most important thing, to me, is that you stop blaming yourself and get off the back foot. Climb out of your shame-hole. You’re in a weird situation not because something’s inherently wrong with you but because your friend Bob put you in the impossible position of denying a negative. Bob’s gonna Bob. It doesn’t mean you’ll never again pass a pleasant afternoon together watching a restored print of Nosferatu while a live orchestra plays the score, but it does mean that the closer friendship you thought was happening is not entirely possible within Bob’s limitations.

BREAKING NEWS from the Hollywood Reporter: Andrew Scott — our dearly beloved “hot priest” — will be starring in a Talented Mr. Ripley series on Showtime.… Read more

The post Four Fun Things appeared first on A Cup of Jo.

And it’s all online for you to watch!!

If you haven’t started watching NBC’s The Good Place yet you seriously need to. But be warned, there is good news and bad news. The good news is this show is so, SO much fun, and you can catch up on the previous three seasons on Netflix before the fourth hits TV at the end of the month. The bad news is, season four is going to be the last season, which almost seems like a cruel, Bad Place-esque kind of punishment.

However!

There is still some more good news.

NBC and the writers of The Good Place are giving all of us a little gift in order to help ease the pain of its impending conclusion, in the form of a miniseries.

If you haven’t finished season three yet I suggest you STOP READING NOW, for here be spoilers. Ye have been warned.

---

Season three ends with The Judge agreeing to let Michael build a new neighborhood where humans have a chance to change and redeem themselves, a sort of experimental middle ground between The Good Place and The Bad Place. The thing is, though, that Shawn and the demons get to decide which humans will get to go to The Middle Place to take part in this cosmic experiment.

The miniseries, called The Selection, follows Shawn and said demons as they hammer out those details. It’s essentially a workplace comedy, but, you know, in Hell.

And every episode is available to watch on the NBC app right now.

Here’s the trailer to give you a glimpse.

This plant flow chart by Michelle Rial made me laugh. I feel seen.

A reader writes:

I recently saw an ad for a job that sounded great: reviewing creative writing manuscripts and giving the authors feedback. This is my field, I have the required degree and publications the posting asked for, and I’ve done work like this before. The money being offered was good, but not unbelievably, out-of-line-with-the-market good. I checked out the organization’s website, where I found out they also offer a series of writing retreats in a popular (but distant) vacation destination; the job ad said preference would be given to applicants who were willing to attend and teach at some of these retreats, in addition to doing the (remote) manuscript reviews. I sent off a resume and cover letter, and waited to hear back.

A few days later I received an email (which did not address me by name) telling me they had received over a thousand applications and had many highly-qualified applicants. This wasn’t hard to believe, given that the writing field is difficult to break into and they were offering good money for a work-from-home position. However, the email went on to say that because of this, they would proceed by holding in-person interviews at their next retreat, a few months from now. I was receiving the email because I was being offered an interview. All I had to do was reserve a room using one of the links provided (a mere $300), and come for the entire week-long retreat. Prior to this there would be no phone or email interviews, though the person writing did provide a personal phone number I could call with any questions. They clarified that anyone who got the job and attended future residencies as an instructor would have all travel/lodging expenses paid, but that seemed to just be a roundabout way of confirming that no travel expenses would be covered for the interviews.

Am I right in thinking this is a scam, or at least a completely unethical hiring practice? I know you’ve answered questions in the past about paying your way for out-of-town interviews, and have said that sometimes if you’re really interested in the job, you have to do that. But that would only be after some preliminary phone conversations, right? And wouldn’t apply in a situation where everyone is an out-of-town candidate? And for an entire week? Also, I realize there might be few lodging options in this specific area, but the fact that they’re directing candidates to book specific rooms makes it feel like they’re just trying to fill spaces in a retreat package that isn’t selling well. To be honest, when I first received the email, I wondered whether the entire organization was fake and they were just using a nicely-designed website to lure people in, but after checking into it more I see that the people running it do in fact have a history of working in similar positions elsewhere. And I have worked in academia most of my life, where the norms are very different, so maybe I’m just out of touch.

I immediately declined the offer for an interview so I have no personal stake in it at this point, but I’m curious what you think.

Here’s my reaction when I first read your letter:

100% a scam.

I actually thought it might be a scam from the first paragraph; it already sounded a little too good to be true.

But yeah, there’s exactly zero reason they’d need you to attend a week-long retreat in order to interview. Oh and look, you have to pay $300. Neither of these things are something any reputable, non-scammy employer would do.

And you’ve got to make that commitment without so much as a phone interview first.

There’s also no reason that they’d need to hold interviews at their next retreat at all, or wait a few months to interview people there.

It’s a scam.

* * * * *

And then you sent me more info (their website), and I’m now I’m second-guessing myself.

Because these do seem like real people with track records in this industry, and they don’t seem terribly scammy. They seem to be running real retreats, too.

So I think what’s going on here is that they have no idea how to hire, and what is and isn’t reasonable to ask of applicants, and how gross and elitist is it to expect candidates to take a week off work and spend $300 for an interview. They’re coming across like scam artists because they’re running this exactly like scam artists would.

I’m interested to know what would happen if you wrote to them and pointed out how unreasonable and out of touch with hiring norms this is and how it will screen out people without a bunch of economic advantages (like a job they can off take a week from, $300 plus a plane ticket for a place that’s not cheap to get to, and for some people overnight child care for a full week). If they’re a decent place to work, they’ll listen. If they’re not … there’s your answer.

In fact, I would happily send them this post myself if you’d like, so that it’s not tied to your name.

to get an interview, I have to spend a week at a writing retreat at my own expense was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

Marie Taylor is obsessed with her two Dobermans, Reuben and Malcolm. They’re both big, goofy and full of love to give, but all those wonderful traits aren’t why their mom loves them most. Her absolute favorite part about her dogs is their noses. 

Taylor has always found her dogs’ noses to be ridiculously cute, so three months before her birthday this year, she took to Facebook to make a strange request.

Credit: Marie Taylor

On a photo she posted of Reuben staring up at her and smiling, Taylor pledged her love to his nose and declared to the world that what she wanted, more than anything else, was a cupcake that looked exactly like it. 

“I’ve told [my boyfriend] Jack I want it replicated EXACTLY out of icing and put onto cupcakes for my birthday,” Taylor wrote on Facebook. “It’s in 3 months’ time. He has plenty of time to organize it. I’m making this public so it happens.” 

Credit: Marie Taylor

Not long after Taylor made the post, Malcolm was rescued and adopted into the family as well, and suddenly Taylor had two adorable snoots to idolize. With two dogs to focus on, she quickly forgot about her silly birthday request — but her boyfriend did not. 

“My boyfriend must've taken notice because he contacted a friend, Whitley Griffith who works at Sweet & Smooth in Oldham [in the UK], and she made them,” Taylor told The Dodo. 

Credit: Marie Taylor

On Taylor’s birthday, her boyfriend presented her with a box of cupcakes — and when she saw them, she couldn’t believe her eyes. There, on each cupcake, were her favorite noses in the whole world, perfectly recreated out of icing, just as she had wanted. 

“I was over the moon,” Taylor said. “They were even better than I expected!”

Credit: Marie Taylor

Taylor had each dog pose with one of their respective cupcakes … 

Credit: Marie Taylor

… and they hammed it up for the camera, showcasing their glorious noses … 

Credit: Marie Taylor

… and occasionally trying to steal a bite. 

Credit: Marie Taylor

The cupcakes looked delicious, of course, but Taylor was more focused on how beautiful they were, and how perfectly they captured her favorite snoots in the whole world. 

Credit: Marie Taylor

When Taylor first made her silly Facebook request, she had no idea how seriously her boyfriend would take it, and what a wonderful tribute it would end up being to her two furry best friends. 

“The only way to consciously deactivate a thought is to activate another. In other words, the only way to deliberately withdraw your attention from one thought is to give your attention to another.”
― Esther Hicks

Sometimes my job is really cool and I get to interview people who are incredible and inspiring… like Arielle Vey! I’ve been a long-time fan of her photography and Instagram for so long. Her blend of juicy, saturated color with warm neutrals is so dreamy! Plus, she’s a PNW girl. Instant bonus points for that. Arielle is also a small space dweller and works out of her home. When she was interested in being part of the Small Space Squad, I jumped at the chance to share her home! Let’s take a peek into Arielle’s tiny home, shall we?

Home Tour: Inside the Colorful and Cozy Apartment of Arielle Vey

Who: Arielle Vey

Where: Oceanside, CA

Number of years spent living small: 7 years

To start, tell me your story about how you ultimately ended up choosing a small space?

My boyfriend (now husband) and I got our first apartment in Oceanside, CA straight out of college when we were 22. It was a 1940’s 7-unit apartment building across the street from the beach. We got a call one day saying that we had to be out in 30 days so that the owners could convert the building into vacation rentals. To our surprise, we were offered a one bedroom apartment in the same neighborhood and that’s where we’ve been ever since!

What is your biggest challenge in your small space?

I started working from home full time in 2013 and have never had a separate office. I’ve always managed to make it work and feel incredibly grateful to able to do what I love from my apartment. My husband started working with me full time and since our “office” is in the main living area, we’ve had to come up with some creative ways to have our own space and get work done. 

What is your favorite part about living small?

I love that I can see everything at a glance and it feels so cozy (especially around the holidays!). It definitely lends to not keep as much stuff which has become so important to me. I love this space in particular because it’s so open as soon as you walk in and the bedroom is super private. 

What is your number one hack for living small?

Keep it open and airy. Bright whites help so much in a small space which is one of the main reasons we painted our kitchen and took off two huge cabinet doors. 

Do you ever feel pressure to be “minimalistic” or feel guilty about buying things you don’t “need” for your home?’

We’re actually in the process of getting rid of a lot of stuff that we no longer need. Since we’ve been in this apartment for a while I love being able to switch it up and keep it fresh. Now, everything I bring in is thought out and I have a plan for it. I love removing something in exchange for a new thing that will get great use… so satisfying! 

What have you learned about yourself by living small?

That I don’t need to have a ton of space to be happy and live my best life. We have a goal of buying a house one day and while I don’t know what that will look like in size, I will be thrilled with just about anything. 

What’s your number one storage hack?

I have a few space saver bags for things like large comforters (for guests) and we use shallow storage bins under our bed for miscellaneous things we don’t use on a regular basis.

Who is your biggest small space inspiration?

100% @whitneyleighmorris. She always has great tips and her styling in conjunction with functionality is genius. I love her IG and blog!

What do your friends and family say about your choice to live small?

We’ve really made this space a home and everyone loves it! Our neighborhood is wonderful and this type of apartment is so common in this area. We love it here and it will be bittersweet when we leave! 

Thank you so much to Arielle Vey, for giving us a peek into your life! Be sure to look Arielle’s Instagram feed for more of her gorgeous photography and home inspiration.

You can find even more Small Space Squad Home Tours here:

• Bela Fishbeyn
• Anne Sage
• Jess Ann Kirby
• Sara Toufali
• Katrina Blair
• Crystal Ann Interiors
• Joyfully Growing

Photography by Arielle Vey, used with permission.

A new report from The Verge says that smart ovens are turning on in the middle of the night. “At least three June smart ovens have turned on in the middle of the night and heated up to 400 degrees or higher,” the article reports.

While user error is likely the culprit, it’s a worrying situation for users. One owner says he woke up at 2:30 a.m. one morning to find his oven had been set at 400 degrees for four hours. Two other June Oven owners have posted about similar issues in a private Facebook group.

June CEO Matt Van Horn explained to The Verge how the ovens could be switching on. “We’ve seen a few cases where customers have accidentally activated their oven preheat via a device … So imagine if I were to be in the June app clicking recipes and I accidentally tapped something that preheated my oven, we’ve seen a few cases of that,” he said.

Specifically, one incident was likely the fault of Amazon’s Alexa and another was probably the result of a June owner accidentally tapping a button in the app when attempting to close it. The Daily Dot reached out to Amazon for comment.

Despite the likelihood that user error is to blame, Van Horn and June are taking steps to avoid similar issues in the future. A September update will allow users to totally disable remote preheats. Another forthcoming update will allow the oven to recognize when there is no food inside of it.

READ MORE:

• Your childhood won’t be the same after you see Chrissy Teigen’s Easy-Bake Oven portrait
• This smartphone-controlled pizza oven costs $10,000 and can cook a pie in 2 minutes flat
• More smart home devices vulnerable, McAfee researchers find

H/T The Verge

The post June smart ovens are turning on and heating themselves to 400 degrees appeared first on The Daily Dot.

Juleyka Lantigua-Williams, the creator and executive producer of 70 Million, a reported open-source podcast about criminal justice reform, offers insight from a career telling the stories of people on the outside.

Here’s what we know about inclusion and diversity in traditional media:

1. It usually ends up with an empty and tokenistic gesture.
2. It always requires group-think and committee work, for some odd reason.
3. It cannot be assigned to people in power because it’s generally a conflict of interest for them.
4. Assigning people on the margins to fix a problem they did not create is almost always a bad idea.

Lucky for us podcasters, we’re the new kids on the media block and can do things differently. But that doesn’t mean we will automatically do things better. Being inclusive requires intent and measurable goals.

Pulling from a career centering people in the margins, and from what the 70 Million team has practiced in our reporting, I’ve gathered an informal toolkit which I have tried to summarize here. I’m thinking of independent creators who do not have any or much formal journalism training or who do not work in media institutions. I’m especially interested in reaching podcasters working on non-fiction and interview shows whose work is proving pivotal in centering the marginalized. (See Undisclosed and Believed).

I’ve organized my suggestions into segments and used bullet points (because you’re probably reading this on your phone).

Part 1: Identifying the Best Subject/Source

If you’ve decided to write about or report on a group of people generally understood to be marginalized in a society — even if you belong to that group — keep a few things in mind as you narrow down who to interview:

Identify 2–5 writers/producers who belong to that marginalized group and become familiar with their work over the last year (i.e., read, watch, and listen to everything). Take note of controversies, dissenting opinions on popular takes, and metanarratives not surfaced in broad channels. Analyze how facile arguments/perceptions/beliefs about the group are discussed and parsed by these writers/producers.

— Look for someone whose personal story or experience exemplifies the themes and threads you’d like to focus on for your story. Unless you’re covering breaking news, your story will have a longer life and appeal to a wider readership if there’s a personal/individual story that anchors it. As the saying goes, the personal is universal. It will take many calls and many emails to find this person, but it will be very much worth it.

— Avoid anyone who comes across as a “Professional X.” That is, avoid featuring people who make a living by selling themselves as professionals in the marginalized identity they claim. These people are always self-serving and highly suspicious within the groups they claim. (Social media bios usually help in quickly identifying these folks.)

— Make a list of primary and secondary sources. Primary sources are the people whose personal or professional experiences will create the narrative for the story. Secondary sources are people who can offer context and analysis for what an individual’s story represents in contemporary society. (e.g., Primary: a former incarcerated person. Secondary: pro bono lawyer who won her case.)

Part 2: When You First Reach Out

Let’s be honest: traditional media has made a real mess of seeking out, representing, and engaging with the perspectives of people who are not cisgender, white, and middle or upper class. That has left a massive trust gap between anyone not in that category and anyone on the other side of a microphone, camera, or digital recorder. So those of us who are now trying to include and amplify perspectives from all sides are already coming into situations with some serious stigmas to overcome. That requires that we humble ourselves before the task ahead of us right from the start. I suggest you:

— Explain who you are/the work you do

— Include work samples/links to websites, episodes, LinkedIn

— Explain how you found them

— Detail what you’re working on

— Explain why you want to speak to them specifically

— Provide full contact info: email, phone number

Part 3: Before Your First Meeting/Call

As the person who set up the interview, you automatically have the power. So you have to make real overtures to allow the person being interviewed to share in that control. Doing this will put them more at ease, establish some trust between you two, and give them confidence to speak openly during the interview. Before you meet in person or speak over the phone:

— Provide a brief list of some of the topics you’d like to cover, not exact questions (unless you know the person may have relevant documentation to answer some questions)

— Invite them to bring someone along, if that would make them more comfortable

— Let them decide where/when to meet you

— Arrive early to have yourself and your equipment set up

— Find out if your state requires verbal consent to record someone on the phone or in person (here’s a primer from Rev.com)

— I recommend getting consent before you start recording and then asking them again to get it on tape

Part 4: During the Meeting/Call

In telling these stories, you’ll likely often deal with people who have never been interviewed, so you’ll want to set parameters very clearly. Remember to:

— Explain how your equipment works

— Inform them of the law in your state regarding verbal consent (here’s a state-by-state list)

— Request their permission to record the interview (these 5 tips are good ones)

Inform them of their rights to:

— Not answer a question

— Retake an answer during the interview or at the end

— Go back any time to clarify/restate anything

— Say “I don’t know” or “I’d rather not talk about it”

— Refer you to someone else who would have more info/knowledge

— Tell you if you’re making them uncomfortable in any way, and make the necessary adjustments then and there

Part 5: After the Meeting/Call but Before Publication

Again, given that your subject may have little to no media experience, and part of your job is to build trust, you’ll want to:

— Thank them for their time

— Tell them what the next steps are in your process

— Offer a soft timeline for when they might hear from you for fact checking or follow-ups

— Provide an estimated publication date

— Invite them to call or email you if there’s anything else they think of for the story

— Ask them if there’s anyone they think you should also speak to, and get their contact info then and there

— Call or email them to confirm spellings, dates, locations, timelines

— Give them a chance to respond to/refute anything someone else said that contradicts/questions something they may have said (especially if you have a documentation to the effect that you intend to use in the story)

There are lots of steps in between these, depending on what medium you work in (for example, in radio this could mean logging tape, running transcripts, time stamping selects….) but always remember that the central idea is to move beyond the obvious to the specific when centering people from the margins.

Some good resources:

Journalism 2030

NPR Ethics Handbook

ASME Guidelines for Editors and Publishers

The Center for Ethics in Journalism

RTDNA Code of Ethics

NYT Standards and Ethics

Juleyka Lantigua-Williams is the CEO of Lantigua-Williams & Co., a digital media studio whose original shows include the award-winning open-source 70 Million podcast about criminal justice reform, Latina to Latina, which features trailblazing women, and Feeling My Flo, a reported podcast where menstruation as an event that happens to all types of bodies.

The Bello Collective is a publication + newsletter about podcasts and the audio industry. Our goal is to bring together writers, journalists, and other voices who share a passion for the world of audio storytelling.

Subscribe to the Bello Collective fortnightly newsletter for more stories, podcast recommendations, audio industry news, and more. Support our work and join our community by becoming a member.

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An Informal Guide to Centering Marginalized People in Your Podcast was originally published in Bello Collective on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

By Jessica Olien.

P.S. An infertility comic, and embarrassing routines.… Read more

The post A Dating Chaperone appeared first on A Cup of Jo.

Best-selling novel “Where the Crawdads Sing” by Delia Owens has been revealed to be similar to a real murder the author is connected to.

Pan con tomate. Pa amb tomàquet. Or, simply put, tomato toast. Crusty bread, juicy tomato, maybe a hint of garlic, a drizzle of olive oil and a pinch of salt. That’s all there is to it. Summer in a few bites. When the tomatoes are bursting to the point of juicy ridiculousness and its too damn hot to think about doing much, this is what you make. When done properly, you’ll wonder why you eat anything else.

I first had this years ago, well into a trip to Spain. I’d seen it all over the Catalan region and beyond but never ordered it myself because … bread with tomato? Really? With so many other exciting options on endless tapas menus it was pushed off in favor of other things. Then I just saw too much of it at one particular restaurant and curiosity got the best of me. I could of kicked myself. The crusty bread soaked up the tomato juices, the oil added a richness, there was the slightest hint of garlic, and the salt brought it all together. Good lord it was good. I had wasted so much time. The Spaniards really know what they’re doing.

I happened to be in Spain during peak tomato season and though I was slow to start, I ate my fair share of pan con tomate to make up for lost time. I continued to make in once back home but only for those few weeks when the tomatoes are at their best. That is just starting to happen in my neck of the woods and with this ungodly heat, I am thankful for this gift. The key is, as always, ingredients. A deceptively simple recipe relies heavily on things that are very good on their own. Tomatoes. Bread. Olive oil. Salt. A simple process, not really a recipe at all, rather a few brief steps but made with the best ingredients.

First, some good bread is a necessity – really good, crusty bread from a real baker. I like sourdough though a good country loaf of some sort works well too; this is not the time for some sad grocery store specimen. Then, in the one cooking step of this simple recipe, you have to get it grilled/toasted. The rough craggy toasty surface bits are imperative to pulling this off. The best option is to grill the bread, a few minutes on each side, until lightly colored. A few charred bits are fine, great even, but don’t burn it. The next best option is to use a grill pan on the stove, a few minutes per side. You can broil, but watch it carefully. As a final option, you can use a toaster but it doesn’t always brown quite right or evenly. As a last resort, it’ll do. You want some texture; those nubby, coarse bits are necessary for the next part. And no, you cannot skip this step.

Now, this bit is optional but I recommend it: take a peeled clove of raw garlic and rub it on one side of that toasted bread. The crusty nubby toast bits act a bit like a grater, rubbing off just enough garlicky flavor. Careful – just a few swipes will do.

Next up: the tomatoes. It’s the star of the dish so get big, fat, meaty, juicy ripe ones. Traditionally, the Catalans use red tomatoes but really the only requirement is that they’re delicious so if you have a ton of yellow or multi-colored tomatoes, who am I to say that’s wrong? Cut the tomato in half through the middle – across the equator as they say – and rub that cut side on the bread. Again, the rough edges of the bread sort of grate the tomato down, leaving you with a handful of tomato skin and a light, juicy, pulpy film on the bread. Sometimes, depending on your tomato, you’ll get a pulpy film and sometimes, like the one photographed here, you’ll have a tomato so liquidy that it just sort of collapses into the bread, leaving more juice soaked bread than anything else. Let me tell you, both are good.

Finish with a drizzle of good olive oil, a pinch of flaky salt and dig in. That’s all there is to it. Sometimes you might see a slice or two of Serrano ham on top but that’s it – keep it very simple. Don’t pile on the toppings. It’s not a sandwich.

STRESS THERAPY BAKING FACTOR: PERFECTION. I’ve been a little silent around here, too busy cooking for work projects and too tired, uninspired – and hot! – to do much at home. This simple thing, this tomato toast, has kicked me out of my funk. It’s delicious, it’s easy and it makes me happy. It will probably do the same for you.

ten years ago: Tart Tips & Tart Dough, Sour Cherry Sorbet, Wild Blackberry Jam
nine years ago: Rhubarb Custard Pie, Cobbler & Cabining Annoyances, Strawberry Buttermilk Ice Cream, Big American Flag Cake, Sour Cherry Cobbler,
eight years ago: Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Cookies, Banana Tarte Tatin, Strawberry Rhubarb Crumble Pie with Lard Crust, Strawberry Shortcake, Life in Southwest France
seven years ago: Pear Frangipane Tarts, Ricotta Cheesecake, Farro Tabbouleh, Strawberry Hibiscus Popsicles, Spanish Sunday Lunch & Patatas Aioli, Bastille Day Bomb Pops, Sour Cherry Slab Pie
six years ago: Chocolate Bourbon Lard Cake, Frybread for Navajo Tacos, Buttermilk Panna Cotta with Vanilla Cardamom Roasted Rhubarb, Mexican Chocolate Pudding Pops, Lime Angelfood Cake, Roasted Strawberry Sorbet, BBQ Baked Beans, Hush Puppies, Tin Roof Sundae, Watermelon Aqua Fresca, Spicy Pineapple Paletas
five years ago: Guinness Crème Anglaise
four years ago: Mango Lassi Freezer Pops, Eton Mess (Strawberries & Cream & Meringue), Onion Rye Berry Bread, Radish Butter, Slow Roasted Spiced Pineapple, Blender Gazpacho
three years ago: Smoky Baba Ghanoush, Pete’s Special – Teriyaki Chicken & Vegetable Rice Bowl, Summer Fruit Ice Pops, Apricot Date Bars, Vietnamese Flank Steak with Peanut Soba Noodles, Date Shake Popsicles, Radish Top Pesto with Sautéed Radishes, Julia’s Braised Cucumbers, Pina Colada Sherbet, Orange Julius (with Strawberry and Pineapple variations), Roasted Cherry Vanilla Frozen Yogurt, Blueberries & Cream Popsicles, Beef Bulgogi & Rice Cake Skewers, Thai Grilled Coconut Rice & Banana
two years ago: Cold Cucumber Buttermilk Soup, Cold Sesame Noodles, Cream Soda Sherbet, Michelada Style Clams, Grand Aioli, Salmon Rilettes
last year: Lemon Elderflower Quatre Quarts (French Pound Cake), The Perfect Light Crispy Waffle, Peruvian Roast Chicken with Spicy Green Sauce, Chicken Wing Friday … Sticky Northern Exposure Wings, Lemon Sour Cream Pie, Greek Salad Piadini Sandwiches

CATALAN TOMATO TOAST (PAN CON TOMATE )
Serve 4, or so
I cannot state this more emphatically; with so few ingredients get the best, most flavorful you can find. Make this when tomatoes are at their peak season and no other time

8 large slices country-style or sour dough bread, about ½” thick
4 garlic cloves, peeled (optional)
2 very ripe tomatoes, halved crosswise
extra-virgin olive oil
flaky sea salt

1. Grill/toast the bread to get some color and a craggy surface. There are a few options.
   • Grill: on a medium-hot grill, 2 minutes per side for a little color
   • Grill pan: get it screaming hot, about 2 minutes per side.
   • Broiler: 1-2 minutes per side.
   • Toaster: until lightly colored.
2. If desired, rub one side of each slice of bread lightly with the garlic.
3. Rub the same side of bread with the cut side of the tomato to coat with a light film of juice/pulp.
4. Drizzle with olive oil and top with a pinch of flaky salt. Serve immediately.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employee wants to know where I am at all times

I started a new management role three months ago and am managing a small team. One of my staff was under-performing when I started, and one of my directives was to get them on a coaching plan, which I have. As a result, they have made complaints that I’m out to get them. Luckily I’ve been documenting everything, and my boss has my back.

My boss had a skip-level meeting with them to allow them to air their grievances. During this, they mentioned that my boss and I should always let them know when we have meetings, for how long, and what they’re for. I do let my team know when I’m away for extended periods, but occasionally will be pulled into a last-minute meeting. The nature of our role doesn’t require to be at my desk at all times, but I would say I’m here for 70-80% of the day.

They have now taken to asking my boss “when can we expect you back?” and “who are you off to visit?” every time he leaves the office (which is a big part of his role). My boss is easily reached by mobile/email, and doesn’t have a lot of day-to-day interaction with the team.

I’m of two minds here. On one hand, I’m trying to build a good working relationship with them in order to coach effectively, and I don’t want to seem inflexible. On the other, they don’t need to know where my boss and I are every second of the day, and this seems like a bit of a power play. Any advice on how my boss/I should address this?

I don’t know if it’s a power play exactly, but it’s something weird. You can and should tell your employee that it’s not a practical expectation.

Say this: “You’ve asked that Jane and I both let you know whenever we have meetings, how long it’ll be, and what for. You can always look at our calendars to see our schedules, but sometimes we’re pulled into last-minute meetings or have reasons for not sharing details about them, and that’s something you’ll need to just roll with. As part of that, please stop asking Jane to fill you in on where she’s going and who she’s seeing — that’s not info she needs to share with our team.”

It’s good that you want to build a good relationship with this person, but there are higher priorities in this situation right now. You need to speak up when they’re out of line (as they are). Also, based on everything here (especially the complaints that you’re out to get them), it’s pretty likely this isn’t ultimately going to work out … so keep that in your head as you deal with them and think about your timeline for bringing this to a resolution one way or the other.

2. My city’s public transit is in crisis and it’s making me late for work

I live in a major U.S. city that has been having widely publicized issues with its public transportation system that have been causing significant delays. I recently had to email my team/boss to alert them I’d be late because a train I was on was evacuated midtrack for a fire, for example.

While it’s been impacting a lot of people at my company, I’ve been hit especially hard because I have to take multiple train lines to get to my office, despite only living a few miles away. I live on the opposite side of the harbor, so unless I go a wildly roundabout way in the opposite direction for several miles, my options are limited because I require the tunnel to get across the water. When the trains all run smoothly, I have a 20-minute commute. But all it takes is for one to shut down or delay and suddenly it can take me an hour or more.

Traffic in our area is also abysmal, so when the trains stop working, buses, ride shares, driving myself, etc., is wildly unpredictable and time consuming as well (not to mention that it would cost me ~$40 to park near my office each day if I drove). The last time my neighborhood train shut down, they replaced it with shuttles that took over an hour to get through the traffic across the tunnel, vs the two minutes it takes the train.

My boss has been very patient and understanding, but I’m so sick of having to message nearly once a week that I’ll be significantly late because a train shut down. It almost always makes the news so it’s verifiable that I’m not making it up, but it’s mortifying all the same. I’ve tried leaving earlier just in case, but then I’m at the office long before anyone else, and sometimes I’m still late because of subway problems!

I work late when it happens, and I haven’t missed anything important. But I can’t help but feel flaky or that one of these days my boss is going to get fed up with transit-related tardiness. I’m not sure what to do or how to address it, and I’m sure there are many people with less understanding jobs than my own who are really feeling pressure because of this.

Talk to your boss. She’s no doubt aware of the issues since they’ve been widely publicized, but I think it’ll give you peace of mind to say something like, “I’ve been hit especially hard by the public transit situation since I have to take multiple train lines to get to work. So far I’ve been alerting you when it’s making me late and staying later if I need to to make sure my work isn’t affected. I’ve also tried coming in earlier but that doesn’t seem to fix it. Since it’s unclear how long this is going to go on, do you want me handling this any differently than I have been?”

Since she hasn’t made it an issue so far, there’s a good chance that she’s going to tell you it’s fine, she understands the situation, and just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Of course,, this does open the door to her saying something different — but if she’s bothered by it, you’re better off knowing and figuring out what you want to do from there.

3. My manager won’t let me book vacation time more than a month in advance

I asked for a day off in October for a wedding I am a groomsman in and my manager said, by company rules, it is too early to ask off. She told me I can only ask off at most 30 days in advance. I was always told that you should ask at least two weeks in advance at the very least. Is there such a thing as asking too far in advance for a day off?

If those are really your company rules, they are ridiculous. Many people need to make travel plans and book airline tickets more than 30 days out.

I would first check if that’s really a company-wide rule (check your handbook and if it’s not there, check with HR). If it’s really a company rule, you might ask HR if it’s possible to make exceptions to it in cases where people need to solidify their plans earlier (such as when they’re in a wedding!) — and if they say yes, go back to your manager with that info.

If it’s not a company rule, say this to your manager: “I checked and couldn’t find anything in the handbook or with HR making that a company-wide rule. In cases where we need to buy plane tickets ahead of time or tell someone whether or not we’ll be standing up with them at their wedding, I’d like to be able to plan in advance. Given the context here, can I ask you to approve this now so I’m not leaving my brother uncertain of whether I’ll be in his wedding party?” (And frankly, beyond the immediate situation, this one is worth pushing back on as a group.)

4. I’m bilingual but my coworker translates for me anyway

I’m working abroad, and most of my work related materials are in my second language. Reading it isn’t a problem for me, but a coworker, whom I work with closely, will often start to translate and explain things to me that I’m perfectly capable of understanding on my own. I know she teaches this language, so I understand where the impulse is coming from, but I’d really prefer to just discuss the material as needed, without it being over-explained to me.

Any advice on how to get her to stop would be very helpful. I want to acknowledge that it comes from a desire to be helpful, but it’s really not needed.

The next time she starts translating for you, say this: “I actually don’t need you to translate — I’ve got it. But thanks!”

5. My boss offered to help pay for school but hasn’t followed up

I work at a small law firm (only seven people) as a legal assistant, and I have been working here for about six months About two months ago, I told my boss I would be going back to school to get a paralegal certificate. My boss told me the firm would help me pay for it and that they would get me a contract. About a month ago, my boss mentioned it again and said they needed to get working on the contract. I start school in seven days and I still have not gotten a contract or any money from the firm. How do I broach this with my boss?

“I start school next week, so I wanted to check back with you about the financial assistance you mentioned. Is that still something the firm is able to do?” Assuming she says yes, then say, “Since I’m about to start, do you think we could get the agreement done in the next week?”

It sounds like you were already planning on paying for school yourself so it’s not as urgent as it would be if your enrollment was riding on their following through, but it’s still reasonable to try to push this along. (Do be aware that companies that reimburse for education will usually include a clause that you’ll pay them back if you leave within X months/years. If they do that, make sure that it only applies if you leave voluntarily.)

my employee wants to know where I am at all times, public transit crisis is making me late for work, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

Janelle Monáe will join Stephan James in the Amazon Prime Original Homecoming, taking the lead from season one’s Julia Roberts.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) has called on the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and Federal Trade Commission (FTC) to investigate FaceApp, the photo-editing app that has become popular again recently.

Privacy concerns recently popped up surrounding FaceApp, which recently went viral with the “FaceApp Challenge,” after it was discovered the company behind it is based in Russia.

CNN reports that that Democratic National Committee sent a warning out to the 2020 presidential campaigns about FaceApp on Wednesday.

“It’s not clear at this point what the privacy risks are, but what is clear is that the benefits of avoiding the app outweigh the risks,” Bob Lord, the DNC’s chief security officer, wrote in the letter, according to the news outlet.

The company told TechCrunch on Wednesday that while “the core R&D team is located in Russia, the user data is not transferred to Russia.”

Schumer on Wednesday wrote a letter to FBI Director Christoper Wray and FTC Chairman Joseph Simons about his concerns with the app.

“In particular, FaceApp’s location in Russia raises questions regarding how and when the company provides access to the data of U.S. citizens to third parties, including potentially foreign governments,” he wrote in the letter, adding: “It would be deeply troubling if the sensitive personal information of U.S. citizens was provided to a hostile foreign power actively engaged in cyber hostilities against the United States.”

BIG: Share if you used #FaceApp:

The @FBI & @FTC must look into the national security & privacy risks now

Because millions of Americans have used it

It’s owned by a Russia-based company

And users are required to provide full, irrevocable access to their personal photos & data pic.twitter.com/cejLLwBQcr

— Chuck Schumer (@SenSchumer) July 18, 2019

Schumer asked the FBI to look into whether the information uploaded onto FaceApp “may be finding its way into the hands of the Russian government, or entities with ties to the Russian government.” He also asked the FTC to see if there were “adequate safeguards” to prevent the information from “being compromised.”

Some concerns about the massive collection of photos from users of the app have been addressed by the company and security researchers, who believe those claims to be unfounded.

READ MORE: 

• Should you be concerned about your privacy on FaceApp?
• FTC approves record $5 billion settlement with Facebook
• Fallout over Superhuman’s email privacy scandal continues

Got five minutes? We’d love to hear from you. Help shape our journalism and be entered to win an Amazon gift card by filling out our 2019 reader survey.

The post Schumer calls on FBI, FTC to investigate FaceApp appeared first on The Daily Dot.

IT’S THREEDOM THRURSDAY!

Threepisode 41: “Cozy Done Right”

It’s Scott’s birthday! We discuss memorable birthday parties and adorable things our spouses do. For the feature, we play The Laughing Game and Would You Rather. 

Go to stitcherpremium.com/Threedom and use code THREEDOM for a free month!

The post Friday Reading & Eating appeared first on Dinner: A Love Story.

slushyseals:

video credit: Rob Harcourt

Not only can you see the MOMENT this Weddell seal decided to prank the Crabeater seal, BUT HE LAUGHS AT HIM AFTER HE DOES IT! Ah Weddells <3