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Sometimes crushing a vile beast will require many words. The best words. So pop an Adderall, dear reader, and let’s go.

Now, law school was easy for me, sure, but my wife positively crushed it. She was dead-set on public service — had been since the age of six — but the on-campus recruiters from the big firms hounded her. One was doggedly insistent that she apply for an internship. A recruiter from Jones Day. He said it was something you don’t say no to. Jones Day bills itself as the nation’s largest law firm. It employs 2500 lawyers on five continents. It has a revenue of $1.94 billion.

So my amazing wife (and you’re about to see why she’s my wife) submitted this cover letter to the esteemed legal institution.

Regrettably, she did not get the internship. Don’t worry though. Today she is gainfully employed. A big loss for Jones Day, a law firm which began in the late 1800s in Cleveland happily assisting railroads, private utilities, and oil moguls.

As my wife mentioned, their founding partner — the enigmatic William Lowe Rice — was murdered in 1910 under shadowy circumstances.

Rice, who is unfailingly described as “debonair,” was a well-known pillager of troubled companies. He was stabbed and shot outside his home.

Accounts of the aftermath describe an unsurprisingly racist investigation, fueled by the supposition that white men do not use knives:

By the way, I cannot over emphasize how much White America was freaked out by Italians at this time. They were viewed as an existential threat.

Imagine how the Right currently feels about Muslims, Mexicans, Antifa, & BLM. Now combine them, and dial it up to 11. That’s Italians in 1910. Check out this newspaper column about the murder, with its panicked headline “FOREIGNERS NEAR BY”……

But Rice was murdered right outside his home, and his attacker ignored his cash and the obscenely valuable items on his person. Most historians believe it was a professional hit ordered by one of Rice’s many enemies. But nobody is exactly sure which one. And that should tell you pretty much all you need to know about Rice, a man whose spirit lives on in the brutal colossus he helped build.

Today, Jones Day is big and bloated and does many terrible things, like that Dana Corporation bankruptcy deal my wife mentioned in her letter. Jones Day says they are specialists at helping large entities solve financial catastrophes with strategies to “alter their debt obligations.”

Take a wild guess who always gets screwed in those types of deals.

Like the time when Jones Day found a way to get paid millions to help banks feast on the corpse of the once great City of Detroit.

Jones Day represented most of the banks which lay claim to Detroit’s debt of $13 billion, including Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, & Merrill Lynch. So it seemed weird when the state hired Kevyn Orr, Jones Day partner, to become unelected czar of Detroit, managing all its fiscal affairs.

But don’t worry, he resigned from the firm before assuming control…And then hired Jones Day to oversee the city’s bankruptcy deal. And when they were done, Mr. Orr rejoined the firm as partner again. Because of course he did.

And surprise surprise, the Detroit deal was widely seen as benefiting the banks and creditors while screwing over pension holders. Police & Fire workers got a 40% cut in cost of living adjustment. The remaining city workers lost the adjustment entirely. And lost a piece off the top.

Sorting out what went down in Detroit is too big a tangent on which to go off, but I assure you it was a hyena rodeo from start to finish.

Hundreds of Detroit residents and pensioners traveled to Jones Day’s Cleveland headquarters to protest the firm’s handling of the bankruptcy.

These Jones Day attorneys, who couldn’t look more ghoulish if they tried, came outside to watch.

Because as Richard K. Morgan wrote: “Rip open the diseased heart of a corporation, and what spills out? People.”

People like Jones Day partner Don McGahn, the new White House Counsel who has been doing a whiz bang of a job.

Our beleaguered soft-brained president loves Jones Day. And Jones Day loves that Trump loves Jones Day. Twelve attorneys at Jones Day were appointed to high-level positions in the new White House.

The amount of influence now held by Jones Day insiders is unparalleled.

And these lawyers were given a blanket waiver from compliance with anti-revolving door ethics rules, so that’s fun:

Then, Jones Day began advertising its access and influence in the White House, because of course they would openly sell that. They are shameless.

And let me say that it is unfair to completely single out Jones Day like this. All big law is basically trash. And some “Big Firm, LLP” attorney might tell me about the pro bono work they do or the Guatemalan t-ball team they sponsor or whatever. Or how their firm is bad, but they are a part of a practice subgroup that protects IP for fair-trade biodiesel fidget spinners.

But make no mistake: Those institutions are built on a pile of broken dreams and paralyzed children. They are towers of stolen money and lives. And the bulk of their activities which are not downright sinister are simply parasitic. They’re vampire squids wrapped around the face of humanity.

Nothing good happens in rooms like this.

Try and tell me that perfectly straight line of five apples doesn’t send shivers down your spine. That place has bad mojo.

But I guess the biggest reason to pick on Jones Day is because they are UNUSUALLY unamused by this type of stuff. A couple years ago, a small parody blog ridiculed Jones Day over its Detroit regime. They included this image, among others:

Jones Day responded aggressively, sending the blog a letter threatening a trademark suit. It really got them worked up. The letter from Jones Day states, ominously: “Your conduct will be closely monitored.” The Electronic Frontier Foundation wrote Jones Day a letter shutting that nonsense down while teaching a few lessons about parody of a corporation. As a letter, it’s less strange and caustic than I usually advocate, but still good. Here is a copy. (Sidenote: You notice there is a trend in my stories of the powerful trying to silence people when they are being mocked? Yeah, that’s intentional.

Anyway, because Jones Day got so incredibly rekt by EFF, I feel safe posting my suggestions for Jones Day advertising campaigns:

Whether you’re a struggling CEO who thought they had a way out:

Or if you’re a multinational oil giant who didn’t call 911:

Or a slow-witted fail-son who should not have taken a certain meeting:

Or a battered municipality with creditors ready to liquidate your community:

So spread the word everyone, I’m sure the @JonesDay social media manager would have a terrific day if my new ad campaign really takes off. Anyway, I gotta run. I’ve got a potential new client in a lawsuit against Chuck E. Cheese Pizza:

Now it is your OPEN THREAD.

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Sheryl Oh of Film School Rejects called the trailer for The Killing of a Sacred Deer “the most suspenseful thing you’ll see today, even if it’s only a minute and 9 seconds long” and I cannot improve upon that description. The film, directed by Yorgos Lanthimos (who directed and co-wrote the supremely weird The Lobster), will be out in late October.

Tags: movies   Sheryl Oh   The Killing of a Sacred Deer   trailers   video   Yorgos Lanthimos

Scuba Diving magazine has announced the winners of the their 2017 Underwater Photo Contest. Photos by Eduardo Acevedo, Marc Henauer, and Kevin Richter, respectively. Worth noting that the top and bottom photos were taken in the Lembeh Strait, The Sea’s Strangest Square Mile.

See also the winners of the 2017 Underwater Photographer of the Year awards.

Tags: best of   best of 2017   photography

Our sports highlight of the day comes to us from a rowdy duo who no doubt wasted a lot of good apples in the pursuit of making this highly enjoyable video:

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When running the wildcat, where a tailback takes the direct snap and the quarterback lines up out wide, the QB’s one job is to look like a threat. Sure, he’s probably not going to be thrown the ball. But he should at least make it appear to be enough of a possibility to draw a defender. With that said, here’s Jay…

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Last night the Detroit Tigers did something cool: Manager Brad Ausmus moved utility man Andrew Romine around all nine defensive spots, including pitcher and catcher, making Romine just the fifth player in major league history to pull it off:

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Fight Club has a tortured legacy, managing to be at once a prime example of David Fincher’s meticulous craftsmanship, a subversive commentary on late-capitalist machismo, a totem embraced by the very knuckleheads it ostensibly criticizes, and an over-exposed subject of “my first thinkpiece”-style pop-culture takes.…

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While Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery, most of its details gleaned from a few prerelease short films and some dense, apocalyptic trailers, one chestnut from the set has become a sort of legend of its production, which is that of Harrison Ford punching Ryan Gosling in the face. There’s something…

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The Worst Things For Sale is Drew's blog. It updates every day. Subscribe to the Worst Things For Sale RSS!

It was a Wednesday.  In Elk Grove Village, a 12-year-old schoolgirl awoke with a sore throat.  She went to the medicine cabinet and took the appropriate pills.  A few minutes later, she collapsed. The paramedics were called.  They came quickly, but could not save her.  The cause of death seemed to be a heart attack […]

It feels like it’s been a long time since an SNL character made enough of an impact to warrant a spin-off of some kind, but it’s also been a long time since SNL had a character like David S. Pumpkins. Played by Tom Hanks and first introduced in a Halloween sketch last year, David S. Pumpkins was some kind of man in a…

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Retro Ramblings remembers when, in the 80s, eating at Pizza Hut was an experience and not just a matter of grabbing a bite at a fast food joint.

From the moment you walked in the place, you knew it was something special. You knew this was going to be something you’d remember, and it all started with the decor. The interior didn’t look like a fast food joint with it’s huge, sprawling windows, and cheap looking walls, or tiled floors. When you walked in, you were greeted by brick walls, with smaller windows, that had thick red fabric curtains pulled back, and a carpeted floor. It just felt higher-class than walking into McDonalds or Burger King.

The booths were high-backed, with thick padded vinyl seats and back rests. The high backs was also different from your usual eating out experience. These high backs gave you a sense of privacy, which was great for a date night. Also great for a date night were the candles on the tables. Those little red glass candles that were on every table, and were lit when you got to your seat. It was a little thing, but when added to everything else, it was quite the contribution. Your silverware was wrapped in a thick, cloth napkin that beat the heck out of the paper napkins everyone else was using at the time. And you could always count on the table being covered by a nice, red and white, checkered table cloth.

Pizza Hut was the #1 eating-out destination for me as a kid. My family never ate out much, so even McDonald’s, Arby’s, or Hardee’s was a treat. But Pizza Hut was a whole different deal. Did I enjoy eating salad at home? No way. But I had to have the salad bar at Pizza Hut. Did I normally eat green peppers, onions, and black olives? Nope…but I would happily chow down on a supreme pizza at Pizza Hut. And the deep dish pan pizza…you couldn’t get anything like that in rural Wisconsin, nor could you easily make it at home. Plus it was just so much food…you could eat as much as you wanted and there were still leftovers to take home. Plus, with those high-backed booths, you could play paper football without having the extra points go sailing into the next booth.

Tags: food   pizza   Pizza Hut

Contemporary rap music has come to be dominated by a style called the “Migos flow” (after the group Migos, who made the style famous in a song called Versace). This video looks at where the style originated and why it’s become so popular.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m loving these music-deconstruction videos by Estelle Caswell (the most recent ones are part of a Vox series called Earworm), especially the ones about rap & hip-hop because a) I am listening to more and more of it and know relatively little about it, and b) the more I learn, the more I feel that the people making this music are/were goddamn geniuses.

P.S. Caswell made a playlist of songs that use the triplet flow.

P.P.S. Here’s Migos rapping the children’s book Llama Llama Red Pajama over the beat of Bad and Boujee:

Tags: Estelle Caswell   Migos   music   video

The Yankess bopped three dongs against the Rays last night, and after each one an endearing scene played out in the dugout.

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This stings. But the owner of the beloved Mexican sandwich shop is looking for a permanent location in Logan or Humboldt Park. [ more › ]

The Chicago cop who garnered attention after posting a controversial Facebook photo earlier this week with an "I stand for the anthem" sign has been suspended by the police department several times for various violations and misconduct. [ more › ]

Pretty much every pro athlete in America is getting asked about Donald Trump these days, and though many have had interesting things to say, few have cut to the chase quite like Ben Simmons:

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Signs.com asked dozens of Americans to draw the logos of well-known companies from memory, including Domino’s, Apple, Adidas, and Starbucks. As you can see, there was a wide range in aptitude and some logos fared better than others; overall the Starbucks and Foot Locker logos were the worst drawn while Ikea and Target were the best represented.

There is also this (a true story):

Adidas, the second largest sportswear company in the world, acquired its three-stripes logo in 1952 from footwear brand Karhu Sports for two bottles of whiskey and the equivalent of $2,000.

See also drawing all 50 states from memory, can you draw a working bicycle from memory?, and maps drawn from memory.

Tags: Adidas   Burger King   design   logos   Starbucks

In 1933 Chicago staged a World’s Fair in Burnham Park. July 15 marked one of the Fair’s highlights. Shortly after 6 p.m., the Balbo Air Squadron arrived in the waters of Lake Michigan. Aviation was still exciting and dangerous in 1933—only six years had passed since Lindbergh’s trans-Atlantic flight. Now General Italo Balbo, head of […]

The Worst Things For Sale is Drew's blog. It updates every day. Subscribe to the Worst Things For Sale RSS!

Your weekend brunch options have just mightily improved. [ more › ]

Chase Headley was, incredibly, relatively fine after being hit with a pitch in the dick. May we all be able to walk things off so quickly.

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A post shared by Pickle The Pig (@pickle.the.pig) on Aug 29, 2015 at 8:34am PDT

tastefullyoffensive:

“Pickle, you want a belly rub?” (sound on)

The long-in-the-works Low-Line project would connect three distinct plazas underneath the Brown Line tracks. [ more › ]

The unquestioned best highlight from this weekend’s Argentine Primera División action was this little dog. He really wanted to take a corner kick, but nobody would let him, despite the great ball control he displayed.

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It was hella dope news and bummer news for Rob Gronkowski today. First, the big lunk of a New England Patriot hit a very personal milestone by catching his 69th career receiving touchdown on a play that the Saints’ defense scarcely could have made any easier.

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Here’s what the president was thinking about this morning:

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Boxers will usually preen and maybe even scuffle with each other at weigh-ins to scare up interest for their match, but when has a fighter’s small child ever punched his rival in the penis?

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The Worst Things For Sale is Drew's blog. It updates every day. Subscribe to the Worst Things For Sale RSS!