Crooooow

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the president had been warned about naming a justice during an election year, a defiant Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly held up the severed head of Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland this afternoon while standing in front of the Capitol building. “We vowed that no nominees would be considered,” said McConnell, his suit reportedly splattered with blood as he flung the centrist appeals court judge’s bespectacled head aside and kicked it down the Capitol steps. “There shall be no hearing. Do not attempt to silence the voice of the American people.” Sources also confirmed that McConnell later wrapped Garland’s severed right hand in his judicial robes and mailed the package to potential nominee Sri Srinivasan.

You and I have been together for some time now and for this I am grateful. Your face, your body, and your professionally styled hair have brought joy to my life once again. You make me smile, girl.

Take my hand as we take things to the next level. Now we begin Operation: All Night Long.

You may have many questions, and possibly concerns, about what this might mean. As I am not physically with you at this moment, please imagine Smoove putting a finger on your lips to stop your questions and calm your mind. This is done gently and with class.

Imagine, also, that I am wearing the immaculate white silk suit that was ruined by the dry cleaners last month. Damn, Smoove loved that suit.

We will bump on the ocean floor. We will grind as we backflip out of the water and into the air. All ...

A top NFL official acknowledged for the first time a link between playing football and suffering from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), responding, “the answer to that question is certainly yes” when asked if there is a link. It’s akin to tobacco companies finally admitting that nicotine is addictive and smoking leads to cancer, and comes years after virtually every independent observer concluded that playing football and suffering from CTE are related.

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It is the assertion of The Walk of Life Project that the Dire Straits song Walk of Life is the perfect thing to play at the end of movies. I have watched more than a dozen of these and they are all great, but I picked Lost in Translation, There Will Be Blood, and Terminator 2 to embed here.

Tags: Dire Straits   Lost in Translation   movies   music   remix   Terminator   There Will Be Blood   video

This is really NSFW but also really ROFL: Comedy Central's Not Safe with Nikki Glaser took Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and mixed it with Clayton Cubitt's Hysterical Literature project to create the magical Comedians Sitting on Vibrators Getting Coffee. I laughed at this until I was red in the face.

Tags: Clayton Cubitt   Jerry Seinfeld   Nikki Glaser   NSFW   video

WASHINGTON—Smiling as they imagined dozens of flustered, shouting GOP operatives frantically strategizing ways to get a hold on their political party, citizens nationwide took a brief moment Wednesday to stop and really savor the thought of what the Republican National Committee headquarters must look like right now, sources confirmed. “Oh, man, just think of all the panicked meetings that are happening as we speak, and all the party officials who are probably clutching at their aching heads as they field irate phone calls from major donors—it’s so great,” said Tucson, AZ resident Melanie Berkley, just one of hundreds of millions of beaming citizens who reported feeling an intense sense of delight when picturing a conference room full of sleep-deprived campaign consultants yelling over one another about which candidate needs to drop out and when in order for the 162-year-old political party to remain intact. “You know there ...

The craziest basketball game of the year just finished in Saint Peter, Minnesota. Waseca High School and Marshall High School faced-off this evening for the Minnesota Section 2AAA boys basketball championship, with the winner advancing to the state tournament.

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MIAMI—Striding briskly onto the stage and walking directly toward the podium without stopping to wave or smile at the cheering crowd in attendance, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly issued a single-word victory speech after significantly widening her delegate lead on Super Tuesday. “Satisfactory,” the former first lady said in a flat, firm tone of voice while standing expressionless at the lectern, her unwavering gaze fixed straight forward. According to reports, the candidate then remained stationary at the podium for roughly a minute while the applause and chants around her steadily died down, blinking exactly three times before turning around and walking off the stage without saying another word. Following the rally, sources confirmed that Clinton sent a celebratory email to her supporters nationwide that stated only “Not yet sufficient.”

HOUSTON—Bouncing back from a disappointing third-place finish in the Nevada caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly surged in the polls this week after having his head permanently sealed inside a 2-inch-thick iron mask. “Cruz has found new life with voters and is currently riding a wave of popularity into Super Tuesday’s primaries after his team made the shrewd strategic move to enclose the candidate’s head inside a 60-pound cylinder of wrought iron,” said political commentator Leslie Morrison, noting that voters have responded extremely favorably to the Texas senator’s face being completely concealed from view and every one of his talking points rendered inaudible by the thick iron casing surrounding his face. “Whether it’s the fear visible in his eyes through the thin slit in his mask, his muffled screams for help, or his repeated and entirely futile attempts to pry the riveted-shut metal covering ...

He reviewed Dixie Kitchen and Bait Shop in Hyde Park, and spoke (in a way that is still relevant now) about how many neighborhoods are starved for great restaurants and retail. [ more › ]

The 88th Academy Awards air Sunday, Feb. 28. Here are some tips for hosting an unforgettable Oscars watch party:

• Compile a list of friends who are knowledgeable about film and make sure not to invite any of them.
  
• Pass out ballots for everyone to fill out. Whoever has the most correct guesses at the end of the night gets installed as a board member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
  
• Remember, it’s always safer to stick to prewritten material than risk any off-the-cuff banter with your guests.
  
• As host, your job is to graciously defuse any violent tantrums when Oliver Tarney upsets Lon Bender for the Best Sound Editing award.
  
• Make sure to say a few things about how shameful the Academy’s lack of diversity is so everyone knows you know about that.
  
• Hide a camera in the bathroom just like real paparazzi.
  
• Be sure ...

A new study found married couples have immune systems 50 percent more similar to one another than to other people, likely because their antibodies adjust to a shared lifestyle. What do you think?

NEW YORK—Clutching the tinfoil-wrapped bundle tightly to her chest as she emerged from a local taqueria, area woman Caroline Parrish tenderly shielded her takeout burrito from the cold as though it were a week-old newborn, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ll get you home soon, my love—just a few more minutes,” whispered Parrish, nestling the rolled mass of spicy steak and beans within the folds of her jacket to ensure it could not be chilled by the wind as she carefully sidestepped patches of ice and affectionately cradled her cherished lunch item to ensure its fragile form was fully supported. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” At press time, Parrish was terrified to realize her burrito had been switched with someone else’s.

SPLENDORA, TX—As they carefully guided her through the menu at local eatery Republic Bistro Friday, the family of grandmother Barbara LeBlanc, 81, reportedly made a point of reminding her what foods she likes. “Oh, look, a Mediterranean chicken panini! You could have that. It’s basically just a chicken sandwich, and you like chicken,” said LeBlanc’s daughter Rachel Hallowell, explaining how the melted cheese and tomato slices made the sandwich similar to others she has liked in the past. “Or how about the Greek salad? You had one of those when we went out to dinner for Timmy’s graduation, and you said it was very good.” After LeBlanc reportedly pointed to the penne all’arrabbiata and suggested she might enjoy that, her relatives were quick to remind her that she hates spicy peppers.

no one thought this out. the challenge was to make grilled cheese. one chef plated his car keys. another one just yelled a lot

“it’s a luxury phone”

we watched the super bowl commercials (and related football game) yesterday, and i couldn’t believe the number of ads ruined by a dumb, overwrought hashtag that was tacked onto the end

The ad appeared in the Tribune.  James Hollingworth was prepared to move or raise your building.  In 1857 Chicago, that was a booming business. The city had been built on marshy ground near the lake.  As the population grew, this became a public health problem.  Cholera outbreaks were frequent.  In 1854 alone, the disease wiped out 1 […]

WASHINGTON—Teleporting via wormhole from points across all of space and time, thousands of parallel world leaders have arrived in Washington, D.C. for this year’s interdimensional summit, sources reported Wednesday.

Organizers confirmed President Obama has greeted heads of state from more than 2,000 alternative realities, a gathering of leaders that includes 139 different versions of himself, a parallel U.S. president Mitt Romney, a pulsing being of pure electrostatic energy, Earth-7491’s King Lyndon B. Johnson IV, and a hooded group of unspeaking figures known only as “the Council.”

The annual talks are expected to focus once again on brokering trade agreements among the parallel worlds, as well as officially admitting the governments of Neo-Pangea and the Corporate States of America, LLC into the group, and confronting the Roman Empire’s continued tyranny across much of the infinite set of possible world histories.

The Washington summit marks ...

DES MOINES, IA—Sitting by himself behind a computer desk in an otherwise empty rented office space, former Virginia governor and current Republican presidential candidate Jim Gilmore reportedly answered a phone call Sunday by raising his voice to a high-pitched vocal register and asking the caller to hold while he transferred them to Mr. Gilmore. “Just one minute, please,” said Gilmore in a feminine falsetto before approximating the sound of an electronic beep with his voice and then holding still for several moments. “I apologize for the wait; Mr. Gilmore is a very busy man. We’ve been completely backed up all morning. If I can’t get in touch with him, would it be okay to have him return—oh, wait, you’re in luck, here he is. One second…. Hello, this is Jim.” At press time, Gilmore was explaining to the person on the other end of the ...

Due to the drop in teen pregnancy rates and many women’s decision to start their families later in life, the average age of first-time moms in the U.S. has reached an all-time high of 26 years and four months. What do you think?

Come on! Are you serious? You can’t be serious. Really? Really?

Aw, fer crying out loud!

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Just hold up—hold up a sec. I cannot believe this. I absolutely cannot believe any of this. If you’re telling me what I think you’re telling me, then it’s…. Honestly, I don’t even know what to make of it. You gotta be kidding me. Are you kidding me here?

Seriously, is this some sort of big joke? If so, then ha, ha, ha, very funny. If not, then—ay yi yi. I mean, for God’s sake! This is not, this is, this—

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No way. Uh-uh.

Listen to me. Listen to me! Will you cut it out already? Jesus Christ.

Again with this stuff. Again! It’s outrageous—that’s what it ...

A desperation three-pointer by Sioux Falls’s Taylor Varsho gave the Cougars a 59-58 win over Division II rival Winona State—a team that had previously beaten them by 39 points—until officials assessed Sioux Falls a technical foul for celebrating the buzzer-beater that, replay showed, left less than half a second on the clock.

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Even random members of New Kids On The Block have opinions about Making A Murderer. For whatever reason, Donnie Wahlberg—who stars in the CBS police drama Blue Bloods and has played a cop in a number of other productions—penned an op-ed in today’s Chicago Sun-Times expressing his opinions about the show and attempting to debunk the fact that there are bad cops out there. In his essay, “Making A Murderer, or Making A Martyr?,” Wahlberg stumbles toward his point, comparing Steven Avery’s case to that of O.J. Simpson (a fact he incorrectly calls “ironic”) and using a hell of a lot of quotation marks to accent words like “evil,” “key,” and “found.” Wahlberg, who’s apparently investigated or at least read about all the damning evidence left out of the Netflix show, believes there are a number of parallels between Avery and Simpson, all of ...

In 1980, civil rights hero Rosa Parks appeared on To Tell the Truth, a long-running game show. Parks appeared alongside two other women claiming to be Parks and a celebrity panel tried to guess the identity of the true Parks. See also the appearance of a Lincoln assassination witness on a 50s game show. (via @ptak)

Tags: Rosa Parks   TV   video

CHICAGO—In response to calls for increased transparency and accountability, the Chicago Police Department announced Friday that it will begin monitoring all interactions with the public by using new bullet cams. “To ensure that all contact between law enforcement officers and residents is properly documented, five megapixel, high-definition cameras will be affixed to our standard-grade 9mm Luger caliber ammunition,” said Chicago Police Department Interim Superintendent John Escalante, adding that the bullet cams will capture the majority of public interactions and store them in a database. “We’ve invested heavily to modernize our police force and hope that the initiative will eliminate any misunderstandings between citizens and law enforcement.” When asked whether the public would have access to the footage, a Chicago police spokesperson had no comment.

The Chicago Housing Authority takes in millions per year for an estimated 775 dilapidated, vacant units in the North side's Lathrop Homes complex. [ more › ]