IKEA Monkey
Shared posts
This Is a Bold and Ballsy Look From Michelle Monaghan at the CMAs
IKEA MonkeyWHAT is THIS
Watch country-music shit-starter Sturgill Simpson busk outside of the CMAs, call Trump a fascist
IKEA MonkeyI love him.

Sturgill Simpson is probably our best modern progenitor of outlaw country. Across three excellent records, Simpson’s proven himself a master of that much-celebrated but rarely duplicated brand of ruthlessly honest, intelligent, funny and tuneful traditional American music. Last year, he kicked up a firestorm by…
There's a buzz surrounding Constellation's legal marijuana deal
IKEA Monkeythis is fascinating
It’s a mind-expanding investment, man.
With the recent purchase of a minority stake in a Canadian marijuana company, Constellation Brands — whose major beer division is based in Chicago and is best known for selling Corona beer, wine and spirits — is lighting up one of the year’s most intriguing...
Jimmy Butler Fell Into A Lake
IKEA MonkeyLOL

Sam Alipour took Texas native Jimmy Butler to explore the beauty of his new home in Minnesota for an ESPN piece, and while Butler already looks comfortable on the basketball court further north, he’s a little more nervy about the unfamiliar environment.
Something is wrong on the internet
IKEA Monkeythis is a long and convoluted read, but its mind-boggling
Writer and artist James Bridle has noticed that something is wrong on the internet. Specifically, algorithmically chosen and produced content is taking over more and more of the internet, including what your young children are watching on YouTube.
Someone or something or some combination of people and things is using YouTube to systematically frighten, traumatise, and abuse children, automatically and at scale, and it forces me to question my own beliefs about the internet, at every level.
By his own admission, there doesn’t seem to be anything egregiously wrong or upsetting about many of the examples Bridle uses. I mean, have you read Grimm’s fairy tales? Some of them are really dark and/or weird, like Black Mirror for children. But the effect in the aggregate is huge, resulting in what he asserts is a system of abuse in which Google is complicit, a technology fueled by advertising and weaponized against its users:
Tags: Google James Bridle YouTubeThe architecture they have built to extract the maximum revenue from online video is being hacked by persons unknown to abuse children, perhaps not even deliberately, but at a massive scale. I believe they have an absolute responsibility to deal with this, just as they have a responsibility to deal with the radicalisation of (mostly) young (mostly) men via extremist videos — of any political persuasion. They have so far showed absolutely no inclination to do this, which is in itself despicable. However, a huge part of my troubled response to this issue is that I have no idea how they can respond without shutting down the service itself, and most systems which resemble it. We have built a world which operates at scale, where human oversight is simply impossible, and no manner of inhuman oversight will counter most of the examples I’ve used in this essay. The asides I’ve kept in parentheses throughout, if expanded upon, would allow one with minimal effort to rewrite everything I’ve said, with very little effort, to be not about child abuse, but about white nationalism, about violent religious ideologies, about fake news, about climate denialism, about 9/11 conspiracies.
Trump to Break Unofficial Reagan Tradition on Trip
IKEA MonkeyThe official line is that he didn't go bc of weather, but I bet you dollars to donuts they were just terrified he'd do something or say something at the N Koreans that would actually cause an international crisis, because our President has no sense of object permanent or impulse control.
North Korea warns of 'abyss of doom' if 'lunatic' Trump remains president
IKEA MonkeyThey ain't wrong
Uh oh, Trump's going to have to eat Korean food in Seoul
IKEA MonkeyI hope he gets the runs

Donald Trump is currently on a tour of Asia, where he’s discovering many amazing things. One thing he isn’t discovering, though, is the local cuisine, as it was widely reported yesterday that, while in Japan, Trump eschewed world-class sushi and elegant kaiseki dining in favor of his preferred diet of well-done…
Dead Women Are More Than Just Warning Signs
IKEA MonkeyThis is depressing

The man who killed at least 26 people and injured 20 more on Sunday at a small church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, had a history of domestic violence, as is the case for many men who enter public spaces and commit this kind of lethal violence.
2 longtime House Republicans announce their retirements
IKEA MonkeyYep
Fox News: If You’d Been Murdered Here, You’d Be Home By Now!
IKEA MonkeyI hate everyone

HOT TAKES PEOPLE! Were you wondering what the stupidest people in America have to say about our latest gun massacre? Don’t worry, it wasn’t about gun control. Because of course it’s #TOO SOON to politicize this tragedy by talking about why the hell domestic abusers can still buy automatic weapons. But it’s never too soon to start barfing out nonsense on your way to the Gunhumpers Supermart to buy another bump stock!
Take it away Fox News!
We’ve been reporting this shouldn’t happen in a church. But I was downstairs talking with some people that work here that we all talk about our faith and we share the same beliefs. We were saying there’s no other place we would want to go other than church. Because I’m there asking for forgiveness. I feel very close to Christ when I’m there. So, I’m trying to look at some positives here and know that those people are with the Lord now and experiencing eternity and no more suffering, no more sadness anymore.
Well, Ainsley Earhardt, many of us would like to die in bed at a ripe old age after a day spent playing with the grandbabies. But please, tell us the upside of this little girl getting shot in church because all her sins are forgiven now.

OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR BLEACH BLONDE HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!!! There are no “positives” here!
Moving on …
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton knows the solution to this problem is more guns in church.
There’s just something about children dying that devastates all of us. It breaks my heart. As far as what we can do in the future, the only thing I know is, because you can’t necessarily keep guns out of the hands of people who are going to violate the law. If somebody’s willing to kill someone, they’re also going to be willing to violate a gun law.
Got it. Dead kids are sad, but gun laws are sadder.
All I can say is, you know, in Texas at least we have the opportunity to have concealed-carry. And so if it’s a place where somebody has the ability to carry, there’s always the opportunity that gunman will be taken out before he has the opportunity to kill very many people. […]
I think, as we see, we’ve had shootings at churches, you know, forever. It’s going to happen again, and so we need people in churches, either professional security or at least arming some of the parishioners or the congregation so that they can respond when something like this happens again.
Because when Jesus said, “Return your sword to its place. For all those who take up the sword shall perish by the sword,” he meant that The Holy Spirit will protect all good Christians who honor Him by bringing a gun to church. Read your Bible, people!
And finally, no Lunatics Round Up is complete without a visit from the nation’s racist uncle.
Do we have a climate of death in this country? What is going on? We understand a lot of these shootings, the people involved have been taking antidepressant drugs, and that may well be the causative factor, but something is going on.
Why, yes, Pappy! We DO have a culture of death in the United States! No other country on earth would allow 13,000 of its citizens to die every year (that’s the 33,000 annual gun deaths minus the 20,000 gun suicides) and pretend that we are all somehow “safer” because of it. But, you were saying.
But I hope and pray they don’t politicize this thing and start talking about gun control and all that because it won’t be necessary. But I do think there’s got to be a thorough investigation into the effect of antidepressants on these [inaudible]. And they’ve been so many of these mass killings and almost every one, as I said before, has had some nexus to antidepressants. So, we need to see what we are giving people. But my goodness, our prayers are with those people from that small community in Texas.
FUN FACT: 13% of the country takes anti-depressants, and a minuscule percent of them shoot people. But obviously anti-depressants are a “causative factor.” Meanwhile, 100% of mass shooters use guns. But guns are NOT a causative factive because … well because Pat Robertson said so. And he and Jesus are like this. So don’t politicize this, you fucking heathens! Maybe if you prayed harder, God would cure your depression.
So, to recap. The victims were lucky to be shot in church near Jesus. And it’s a shame there weren’t more good guys with guns in the pews to take out this guy who was hopped up on antidepressants. And we should never pass gun control laws because bad guys will always find a way to get guns, just like they do in every other developed nation where this never happens.
JESUS. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH ZOLOFT IN THE WORLD FOR THIS HORROR SHOW.
[Rawstory / Think Progress / Media Matters]
Please contribute to the Wonkette fund for Sarafem, Lexapro, and Luvox. Also, servers and salaries.
Paul Ryan Insists That ‘Prayer Works’ With Mass Shootings, Neglects To Specify How
IKEA Monkeyholy shit
In an interview with Fox News’s Laura Ingraham on Monday, Paul Ryan lamented the tendencies of the “secular left” to dismiss calls for “thoughts and prayers” after mass shootings, in favor of discussing actual legislation that might do something to prevent them. Of course, anything we might actually do to prevent mass shootings would be something that would not go over very well with the Republican base, so Ryan is taking a different tack. He is saying that prayer works.
Via The Hill:
“It’s disappointing. It’s sad and this is what you’ll get from the far secular left. People who do not have faith, don’t understand faith, I guess I’d have to say,” Ryan told Fox News’ Laura Ingraham on “The Ingraham Angle” when asked about the criticism.
“And, it is the right thing to do, is to pray in moments like this because you know what? Prayer works.”
Now, as I am far from the first to point out, this shooting literally happened in a church. A church where, one would assume, people were praying. That did not appear to stop Devin Patrick Kelley from shooting them.
According to an even more appalling person writing for The Federalist, Lutheran pastor Hans Fiene, this shooter was actually God’s way of answering their prayers.
Because now they get to go to heaven EVEN SOONER!
So when a madman with a rifle sought to persecute the faithful at First Baptist Church on Sunday morning, he failed. Just like those who put Christ to death, and just like those who have brought violence to believers in every generation, this man only succeeded in being the means through which God delivered his children from this evil world into an eternity of righteousness and peace.
If this is true, we might as well just make murder legal right now and call it a day. Imagine all the people who could be in heaven right now if we didn’t send all those very helpful murderers to jail? Why are we letting Charles Manson go to waste in a jail cell when surely he could have encouraged several generations of disaffected youths to send people right to that eternity of righteousness and peace?
Though at this point that does seem more likely than getting any kind of gun control passed.
Even if I did believe in God, I would still believe that more than just prayer was necessary. In fact, many people who do believe in God think more than just prayer is necessary, just in general. I happen to know a lot of Catholics — who, unlike Paul Ryan, actually give a shit about poor people — and they don’t just sit around all day praying for poor people to have food or for homeless people to have a place to sleep at night. They feed them. They shelter them. And yes, they pray too, but they do things to make sure it happens.
Horrible things happen all the time. In nearly every other instance we are allowed to discuss and implement practical solutions. In 1982, someone went and put cyanide capsules in a bunch of Tylenol bottles in the Chicago area. Since then, we have tamper resistant packaging on pill bottles, and we have not had any further incidents of that kind. Does Paul Ryan think that perhaps we should have just prayed for that to never happen again? Would that have been just as effective? I’m gonna say no.
Ryan, of course, does not say how prayer is supposed to “work” in this situation. He is terribly vague about it. He only knows that the “secular left” not believing this is what is tearing this country apart.
“And I know you believe that and I believe that,” Ryan told Ingraham about the effectiveness of prayer.
“And when you hear the secular left doing this thing, no wonder you’ve got so much polarization and disunity in this country when people think like that.”
Is unity really the answer here? I mean, if we all collectively clapped our hands at the same time, while saying “I believe in a country where a mass shooting doesn’t happen every week,” we’d all be very unified. Unfortunately, that would do jack shit to prevent some asshole from getting hold of an AR-15 and shooting up a church.
No one is telling religious people they can’t say a novena for the survivors and the families of the victims. That’s not a thing. What we are saying is that prayer — while surely comforting for people — is not the solution to this particular problem. What we are saying is that we feel a certain kind of way when people like Paul Ryan want to offer us nothing but prayer while refusing to talk about solutions.
Paul Ryan and his ilk have had more than enough time to test out this “thoughts and prayers magic away mass shootings” theory. They’ve tried it over and over again, and even started demanding that people specifically not talk about things we can do to prevent them directly after a tragedy. Clearly, the results of this have not been good. Perhaps it is time to try a different tack.
[The Hill]
Wonkette is ad-free and funded solely by Readers Like You. Let us pray.
Teacher, 26, appeals her conviction for booze-fueled sex romp with teen boy
IKEA MonkeyIn addition to MS-13, Fox News almost exclusively covers "female teacher has sex with male student" stories. I almost never see it the other way around where its a male teacher/female student.
Watch an Oil Painting Instantly Lose 200 Years of Grimy Varnish
IKEA MonkeyThat's incredible
We Are All This Raccoon Who Ate So Much He Got Stuck in a Sewer
IKEA MonkeyMore info on our favorite raccoon
It looks like humans aren't the only species who are currently burying their feelings about the sorry state of the world under mass amounts of food. On Thursday, police in the Chicago suburb of Zion had to rescue a raccoon after the critter ate so much that he wound up getting stuck inside a sewer grate, NBC Chicago reports.
The little plumper was apparently hanging inside the sewer like a whiskered Pennywise, feasting on some discarded sewer foods. But when he tried to climb out, the sewer grate's mouth wasn't quite big enough for his newly filled belly.
Police found the raccoon stuck halfway out of the grate's opening, flailing to get free with bits of bread scattered around him. With the help of Zion Public Works and Animal Control, they managed to break the big guy loose.

In a video of the raccoon rescue, one worker secured the spooked animal as another pulled up the sewer grate. "Fatty!" one of them laughs.
"They were able to free him and our friend was no worse for wear," the police department wrote in a Facebook post. The raccoon scurried back down into the sewer and disappeared, likely off in search of another delicious subterranean snack.
Good luck out there, buddy. Hope your future is full of more tasty sewer morsels and pipes wide enough for your rotund form to fit through. If you need us, we'll be spending the rest of the year in various stages of food coma.
Trump's Asia trip could be an incredible success if he does this
IKEA MonkeyNarrator voice: He doesn't
Crocodile Monitor Lizard, Native to Tropical Rainforests, Turns Up in California Man's Backyard
IKEA MonkeyINTERIOR CROCODILE MONITOR LIZARD, I DRIVE A CHEVROLET RIGHT THROUGH A BLIZZARD
Are more guns helpful? In Wal-Mart shooting, armed shoppers hinder police investigation
IKEA MonkeyTHIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
Most shoppers crouched behind checkout counters or bolted toward the back exit. But as a gunman fired inside a Wal-Mart store in a Denver suburb, some patrons took a more defensive approach: They grabbed their own guns.
They were the proverbial "good guys with guns" that gun rights advocates say...
Oh, cool, the White House is feuding with both Presidents Bush now, too
IKEA MonkeyOn this, Trump is not wrong. Iraq was a complete disaster. let's not normalize either Bush just because Trump is arguably somehow even worse than they were.

The Trump White House extended its low-key running feud with its former occupants to pretty much every living ex-president except Jimmy Carter today, thanks to a New York Times piece in which George H.W. Bush declared Trump a “blowhard,” and his son, George W. Bush, expressed his worries that he’d be the last…
A Quick Jaunt Through the Many Sexual Misconduct Allegations Swarming State Legislatures
IKEA MonkeyIra Silverstein is our state senator, and also was the lawyer we were using for our wills/PoA paperwork. We were in his office on Sunday to sign the wills paperwork, and he asked us to sign his petition for re-election. We were like, sure, literally couldn't think of a reason not to. Dude's been in position for decades, and as far as we knew is a nice old family man who did a lot for our community. And then we got into the car and Corey googled him to look up an unrelated thing and boom, there he is.
We won't be using him anymore going forward, and we'll be researching his opponent and supporting him or her if they seem like a good challenger.

If you haven’t noticed, an extraordinary thing has been happening since the New York Times first reported allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Harvey Weinstein. This story has not just managed to stay alive amid our relentless political news cycle—it has actually grown, sweeping across Hollywood into…
Texas church shooter Devin Patrick Kelley served in Air Force, was court-martialed for assaulting wife, child
IKEA MonkeyAnd yet he still had a gun
This is not a gun laws situation, Trump says
IKEA MonkeyAnd yet 1 immigrant drives a truck into 8 people, and we need to scrap an ENTIRE IMMIGRATION PROGRAM that has benefited the lives of millions
At least 9 people in Trump's orbit had contact with Russians during campaign, transition
IKEA MonkeyAt some point, you can't say that EVERYONE in your campaign was "low level".
After questions emerged about whether campaign foreign policy adviser Carter Page had ties to Russia, President Donald Trump called him a "very low-level member" of a committee and said that "I don't think I've ever spoken to him."
When it was revealed that his son met with a Russian lawyer at...
Unhappy over investigative pieces, Disney blocks LA Times film coverage
IKEA MonkeyThe free press is dying

In a different, but equally alarming, example of corporate interests having a chilling effect on journalism, one day after billionaire Joe Ricketts shut down news sites DNAinfo and Gothamist amid efforts to unionize, the Los Angeles Times has revealed that Disney has blocked the paper from reviewing its films in…
Papa John's has now been forced to tell racists not to eat its pizza
IKEA MonkeyWhat a time to be alive

It’s never a good day in the life of an online brand when its PR spokesperson is forced to craft a statement ordering racists to stop eating or enjoying its pizza. And yet, thanks to a confluence of NFL protests, “alt-right” manipulation, and a bunch of boneheaded comments from its founder, low-rent pizza chain Papa…
Shooting Reportedly Leaves up to 27 Dead in Texas Church
IKEA MonkeyThis is categorically awful and disturbing.
I seriously doubt our President will come out as forcefully against this gun violence as he did for the attack in NYC the other day.
A shooting at a church in Texas has left up to 27 people dead, according to local reports. The official death toll has not been confirmed yet.
A man entered First Baptist Church in South Sutherland, a small town around 35 miles from San Antonio, and shot multiple people around 11:30 AM, according to police. The man is now dead, according to KSAT 12.
Wilson County commissioner Albert Gamez Jr. told CNN that an emergency medical technician told him 27 people were dead and 24 others were injured.
Read more on VICE News.
Trump Administration Releases Strangely Accurate Climate Report
IKEA MonkeyYo... what?

“It is extremely likely that human influence has been the dominant cause of the observed warming since the mid-20th century,” reads the Fourth National Climate Assessment, released on Friday by 13 federal agencies and approved by the White House. “For the warming over the last century, there is no convincing…
Former River West factory to reopen as huge Greco-Roman inspired spa
IKEA MonkeyI wanna go
Chicago will be the second North American location for Spanish-based ‘Aire Ancient Baths’
Aire Ancient Baths
This fall, a 19th century former factory building in Chicago’s River West will reopen as a sprawling complex of hot tubs, plunge pools, and spa treatment rooms. The 20,000-square foot space will be largest facility to date from Aire Ancient Baths—a Spanish group known for repurposing historic buildings into spas modeled on the public bathhouses from Greek and Roman antiquity.
Headed the southwest corner of Halsted Street and Chicago Avenue, the upcoming Chicago location is the culmination of a two-year renovation process. The effort revealed and preserved the old structure’s original exposed brick walls and timber beams, says Aire’s official Chicago website.
Chicago-based real estate investment firm R2 Cos. owns the property. It is situated just across the street for the Tribune’s massive multi-phase development proposal known as The River District. The 37-acre site is one of 10 locations submitted to Amazon in Chicago’s bid for the tech giant’s second North American HQ.
According to Alina Dizik of Crain’s, who described the upcoming space as “straight out of Game of Thrones,” the River West location is on track to open later this month. In addition to several cities across Europe, Aire also operates a New York location in a former 1883 Tribeca textile factory. Future expansions are planned for both Paris and London.
- Chicago is getting a spa straight out of 'Game of Thrones' [Crain’s]
- Aire Ancient Baths Chicago [Official Wesbite]
Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never...
IKEA MonkeyEvery day

Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back
WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back. “Our data show conclusively that every human who says they’re going to work is, in fact, gone forever the very moment they shut the door behind them,” said a West Highland terrier named Nugget, adding that the findings applied equally to trips to the grocery store or the movies, both of which represented a decision to leave and never return again. “In fact, any instance in which an owner scratches a dog or cat on its head and says, ‘Be back soon, buddy!’ before exiting the house is a certain indication that the animal has been left to fend for itself and will eventually die unloved beside its empty food dish.” At press time, an elated Nugget danced on his hind legs, reporting that 100 percent of owners who pull into the driveway at the end of the day came back for their pets after all.
Don't worry, your 401(k) plan is safe
IKEA MonkeyBut if you deduct student loan interest, you're fucked. Also if you're a DINK, own a home, or basically are between middle class and not the 1%











