IKEA Monkey

BOOOOOOTAY!

The Jets rolled against the Bills on Thursday Night Football, and there wasn’t a ton to get excited about during the game. That is, until the fourth quarter.

With under 10 minutes to go in the game, Josh McCown can be heard yelling what sounds like “BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY!” as an audible.

And it worked! The Jets got a first down on a 15-yard pickup by Elijah McGuire.

The first down helped the Jets eventually get another field goal and extend their lead to 34-7.

The Jets should make the “booty” call more often.

If you smelled charred pizza, that may have been Papa John’s ― because the company got badly burned in a Twitter war.

After a slew of women came forward to accuse producer Harvey Weinstein and other notable figures in media of sexual harassment, CNN's Anthony Bourdain expressed regret for his participation in and validation of a culture he sees as similarly sexist: the restaurant industry.

Meghan McCain has a lot on her plate these days, but her life is about to get even busier.

Joe Ricketts, TD Ameritrade founder, billionaire, and father of Chicago Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts, shut down the local news network of DNAinfo and Gothamist sites today, a week after the writers voted to unionize. Anyone attempting to reach one of the sites was redirected to this letter:

Read more...

He’s not lovin’ it.

WASHINGTON ― The federal judge who will oversee the prosecution of President Donald Trump’s former campaign manager said Thursday that she has “concerns” that Paul Manafort poses a flight risk, questioning whether an unsecured bond was enough to make sure he’d show up in court.

Former Trump foreign policy adviser Carter Page privately testified Thursday that he mentioned to Jeff Sessions he was traveling to Russia during the 2016 presidential campaign — as new questions emerge about the attorney general's comments to Congress about Russia and the Trump campaign.

Suggesting that the Great Pyramid has spent some of the intervening millennia listlessly scrolling through Twitter, scientists say they have identified a previously unknown “big void” inside the pyramid of Khufu, or Cheops. The largest pyramid in Giza, Egypt (not that anyone is impressed) has been under intense study…

Read more...

In a Winnie the Pooh-type situation, a raccoon stuck in a storm sewer grate — apparently due to the animal's girth — was rescued and set free by Zion police and public works officials Thursday morning.

Zion Police Deputy Chief Kirk Henderson said a resident called at about 10:15 Thursday morning...

Michelle Obama understands the importance of having a good group of girlfriends.

The debate over the effect of NFL players protesting the national anthem has gone from sublime to utterly ridiculous. When pizza chains are legitimately arguing over whether or not protests are hurting sales, it clearly falls into the latter.

Papa John’s CEO John Schnatter made headlines when he blamed the company’s lack of revenue on NFL players protesting the national anthem. Schnatter believed that the entire saga of anthem protests should’ve been “nipped in the bud” when Colin Kaepernick began kneeling for the anthem over a year ago. Whether or not Big Papa Schnatter’s claims hold water or not, remains a mystery.

However, not every brand of pizza is feeling the pain that Papa John’s is. CEO of Yum Brands, Greg Creed claims that the anthem protests aren’t hurting Pizza Hut’s business at all. It stands to note that Pizza Hut, while being a popular pizza chain, isn’t the official pizza chain of the NFL. That would be Papa John’s, so whether or not protests and a connection to the NFL would hurt them isn’t quite the same, but it’s still fun to see a pizza brand war.

(via Business Insider)

We’re not seeing impact on any of that on our business,” Greg Creed, CEO of Pizza Hut’s parent company Yum Brands, said in a call with investors on Thursday.

Creed said that Pizza Hut does benefit from live sporting events, including baseball, college football, and the NFL. Pizza Hut is the official sponsor of the NCAA, making college sports especially important to the chain.

Papa John’s isn’t only taking digs from Pizza Hut, though, as popular frozen pizza brand DiGiorno’s has been sending shots via Twitter at Big Papa. Digiorno’s claimed that Papa John’s brand had copied their rising crust recipe back in 2016, and they brought back the receipts in the wake of Papa John’s recent struggles.

Clearly the war over who runs the streets when it comes to pizza is a very serious business. Petty wars aren’t just for athletes on social media, as it apparently spills over into pizza companies as well.

Contestants in the Miss Peru pageant broke with tradition by citing statistics on gender violence rather than listing their own body measurements.

As we all know, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort and his trusty sidekick Rick Gates have been grounded by special counsel Robert Mueller and are not allowed to leave their houses, and if they try to make a run past the electric fence in the front yard, their collars will shock them like “BZZZZZ!” (OK, we do not really think they have shock collars.) But new Mueller filings unsealed late Tuesday tell us a lot more about what a flight risk these guys really are, especially Manafort, because they have SO MUCH MONEY in foreign bank accounts and they have SO MANY RUSSIAN OLIGARCH FRIENDS to pick them up at the airport in Moscow if they flee. Also, Manafort seems to have approximately one million passports and five gabillion fake names, all of which are various spellings of “Igor Poopsky.” (OK we are exaggerating wildly there, the way Donald Trump does about his wealth, allegedly.)

Also, Mueller’s filing says their crimes are serious enough to land them in the hoosegow for so many years (as many as 15 or 16 for Manafort!) that it’s not a stretch to think they might want to run away to Russia and never come back to America again. Mueller furthermore notes that Manafort is old, and might run because he really doesn’t want to die in prison. Poor guy. Guess he shouldn’t have done one million crimes allegedly?

Here are some other things the strong arm of Robert Mueller lists in these filings:

• Manafort and Gates have a tangled web of foreign accounts in places like “Cyprus, Grenadines, Seychelles and England,” and they are co-signatories on these accounts with … a Russian national who works for Manafort? (So much for these indictments having nothing to do with Russia!) Rachel Maddow speculated Tuesday night that this “Russian national” is probably Konstantin Kilimnik, whom Politico has referred to as “Manafort’s man in Kiev.” Don’t worry, he’s just a former Russian spy. (“Former.”)
• NEW PHONE WHO DIS? That is something Paul Manafort probably says a lot, since he got a new Obamaphone and email this year under a fake name, and he’s already used them for travel purposes, including a trip to China. Is the fake name “Igor Poopsky”? It would be irresponsible not to name him that!
• Manafort has applied for 10 passports over the last 10 years or so, and currently holds three, all with different passport numbers. Now, worldwide travelers will note that having more than one passport in and of itself is not that weird, but considering ALL THIS OTHER SHIT, we’ll at least call it “odd.”
• Manafort has a shitload of money, but it’s really hard to tell how much, especially if you rely on Manafort to give you a straight answer. Check out this business:
  

  For example, in November 2016 and January 2017, he noted his assets to be worth approximately $25,000,000. In August 2016, he listed $63,000,000 as the value of his assets, and in a different application also in August 2016, he listed $28,000,000. Previously, in May 2016, Manafort listed the value of his assets at $136,000,000; in March 2016, Manafort represented his assets to be approximately $42,000,000; the prior month, in February 2016, Manafort represented his assets to be worth $48,000,000. In April 2015, Manafort noted the value of his assets to be approximately $35,000,000. In July 2014, he valued his assets at “$30,000,000 plus”; and in April 2012, he stated his assets were $19,000,000.

  Meanwhile, is Rick Gates worth 30 million moneys, or is he worth 2.6 million moneys? Rick Gates does not know!

• Manafort’s old company Davis Manafort Inc., where Rick Gates also worked, had offices and employees in Kiev and Moscow (so much for this having nothing to do with Russia again!), who presumably would be able to help these wayward boys if they showed up in Moscow like “PLZ HELP AMERICA IS TRIGGERING US.”
• Both guys travel abroad a whole lot, and Manafort has been to Shanghai and Grand Cayman and Madrid and a passel of other places JUST THIS YEAR. Also, both men like to visit Cyprus, where bunches of their (allegedly!) dirty money is.
• “And both Manafort and Gates have connections to Ukrainian and Russian oligarchs, who have provided millions of dollars to Manafort and Gates.” So much for this having nothing to do with … oh fuck it.

For all these reasons Paul Manafort and Rick Gates are hereby ordered to stay home and watch “Judge Judy” until it’s time to go spend a million years in prison. Unless they want to flip on Donald Trump or something, in which case we bet Mueller’s ready to deal, boys!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries, servers, and all of the things are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click here to fund us!

[Mueller filing]

The Dragon’s Lair prowess of the Stranger Things gang isn’t the only unbelievable sight inside the series’ era-appropriate arcade. The Palace is filled with recognizable cabinets—Dig Dug, Asteroids, Galaga—but buried in its backroom is a curious machine that even the most ardent retro game fans wouldn’t recognize: …

Read more...

Sometimes dead is better, but the chances of Paramount’s upcoming Pet Sematary remake (an inevitability, after the massive success of It for Warner Bros.) actually being something worth watching have increased. That’s thanks to the participation of directors Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmyer, whose 2014 film Starry Eyes…

Read more...

It’s Halloween! Sure, it’s a great time for adults to don costumes in a show of whimsy, but it is a much, much better time for children to wear costumes as a display of their carefree, imaginative nature. And you know what’s even better than kids in costumes? Animals, who do not give a shit and often do not even…

Read more...

An aviation pioneer named Roy Knabenshue brought his dirigible to Chicago in 1914, offered 25-minute balloon rides and settled on a great idea:

Why not hire a cameraman to film Chicago from the air?

That brainstorm led to one of the first aerial movies of the city, a rarely seen, eight-minute film...

He's performed plenty on "Saturday Night Live," but this will be his first time ever hosting. [ more › ]

In western society "the witch" is an identity to which people have turned when times are tough.

A California clothing company has been hit with lawsuits claiming it recruited women to sell its goods from home and left thousands of them with unreturnable merchandise.

The Riverside Press-Enterprise says a federal class-action suit filed Monday seeks at least $1 billion in damages from LuLaRoe,...

It’s become kind of a running joke that John Cena can literally do anything. Become a legitimate Hollywood star? Check. Host morning shows on network TV? You betcha. Hang with Shaq in Carpool Karaoke? Yup! Eradicate polio? Dude is on it. But advance warning: This video might legitimately break your brain.

To celebrate the Bella Twins’ YouTube channel reaching a whopping 900,000 subscribers, they uploaded a high-art, black-and-white video of Mr. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect in a fancy tuxedo playing none other than “Where Is My Mind?” by legendary Boston alt-rockers the Pixies, a song probably best known for its inclusion at the end of Fight Club.

Cena’s version is surprisingly delicate and even features a bit of double-time improv where the guitar solo should be. I legitimately cannot believe this is real, but here we are.

The Bellas promise even more surprises when their channel hits one million subscribers, so let’s mash that subscribe button, fam. Hopefully, it’s Cena covering “Velouria” on accordion or “Broken Face” on kazoo or maybe “Gigantic” on glockenspiel. In fact, John, I know you’re reading this, and I officially challenge you to put out a Pixies cover record. We’re long overdue for a sequel to You Can’t See Me, don’t you think?

Serial killer Ed Kemper is one of the great hooks of David Fincher’s excellent Mindhunter, a hulking but folksy monster played by Cameron Britton. A series of long dialogs with him kickstart the show, providing momentum as the protagonists try to create a taxonomy for understanding some of the most grisly murderers in…

Read more...

After coming in first place in a state divisional golf tournament, 16-year-old Emily Nash has been barred from receiving her trophy or advancing to the state tournament because she is a girl.

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Lavishing praise on Nintendo for its fresh and inspired design, a reviewer declared Thursday that a new game in which Mario sometimes dresses as a chef is “simply bursting with creative wonder.” “Every moment of this delightful adventure is overflowing with wildly innovative ideas that take the franchise in a bold new direction,” said video game critic Derek Tillman of the newly released platformer where Mario periodically dons a chef’s hat, jacket, and apron, and can wield a whisk as a weapon. “Nintendo has drawn from a seemingly unending spring of imagination to craft a visionary world that represents nothing short of a groundbreaking milestone in the history of gaming. The chef’s uniform sets a new bar that I don’t see anyone, maybe not even Nintendo itself, clearing anytime soon.” Tillman went on to say he wouldn’t be surprised at all if Nintendo one day dressed Mario in a swimsuit.

The era of shitty Thursday night games has returned to our world. Except for this part. This was good.

Read more...

Jessie Graff is a real-life super hero.

American Ninja Warrior contestant Jessie Graff is one of the hardest working athletes you’ll see, and if you don’t believe that statement then you just need to see this absolutely hellish exercise with the innocent name “WasherPegs.”

The first time you see this you might be a little confused by what’s happening, other than the fact it looks uncomfortable. Then you realize what Graff is doing and your brain explodes. She’s using the metal rod to support her body weight through the washers, but the only thing keeping the rod from sliding out is friction by keeping it on an angle, and her thumbs.

You can see as she locks in the rod that almost all the pressure is put on her thumb, the only thing keeping her stable.

It’s not only watching a human do this that’s mind-boggling, it’s seeing Graff do it with so little strain. Her body is as calm as can be, with no sign of shaking or quitting. She makes it to the top of the apparatus before climbing back down like it’s nothing.

When you see American Ninja Warrior you might look at a single obstacle and say “I could do that,” but this one is so safely in the “NOPE”! category that I can’t imagine anybody doing it. Jessie Graff is just that awesome.

Good dog.

A good Bolivian police dog decided it was tired of watching a soccer game from the sidelines and became a SPORTS DOG in one valiant moment:

The match between Blooming and Nacional Potosí got interrupted in the 37th minute when the dog, tired of working, sprinted onto the pitch holding a second ball:

The dog, which appears to be a very good German Shepherd, chased the ball around for a while and even showed off some impressive skills, juking players and running the length of the pitch with a look of pure joy:

Finally police broke up the dog’s fun, leashing it and removing it from the field. Break time was over for this glorious pupper:

The dog had to return to its job of being a police dog, but for a few glorious moments it was able to chase its dream — and other players.

h/t The Dodo

I don’t know much about Indonesian soccer, not even enough to be properly impressed when Wikipedia describes 21-year-old Borneo FC forward Terens Puhiri as “The Next Boaz Solossa,” but what I do know is what fast looks like. And this guy sure is fast:

Read more...